Black Comedy (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

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Theme music Ear Slut! What slut? I heard you been going around town telling lies about me.
Not even! I been ringing up people telling lies about you.
Slut! You're only jealous 'cause Ethan wants me.
Who'd be jealous of your big out-of-shape washed up wrinkly hole? Anyway, you can't even clean! (Gasps) Can't even eat! Well, what's this then, slut? What's this then, slut? Well, what's this then, slut? What's this then, slut? What's this then, slut? What's this then, slut? Well, what's this then, slut? (Both speak indistinctly) Can't even spew! (Vomits) What's this then, slut? So the black bitch was in Sampson & Delilah.
WOMAN: Sapphires.
Sapphires? Hey bro, how's the new woman going, eh? Ah, she deadly.
I think she's a real keeper, eh.
Yeah, I tried to be with a white woman once.
They just don't get our mob, you know.
'Why do you blackfellas got to do this?' 'Why do you blackfellas got to do that?' Nah, Tiff, she deadly.
Real keen about our mob.
She loves our culture and our ways, she just loves it.
Yeah? True? True.
Here, look.
Tiff! Tiff! Where are you, bub? Hey.
Yeah, this is Charlie here.
Hey.
(Bad Aboriginal accent) Hey, how are you, fella? What you been singing out to me like that for, huh? I been trying to cook a bully beef stew for you for you fella for after.
It not gonna cook himself, you know.
(Laughs) Well, I'm sorry, babe.
Well, you go back there and cook then, 'cause you know how much I love your bully beef stew.
Yeah, you wanna love it, otherwise you be getting hurt.
(Laughs) See? Told you.
Yeah, yeah.
She deadly.
I think they're gorgeous.
Excuse me.
Hello, how are you? I was just wondering if you have any of that Aviante Shampoo and Conditioner? Oh, I'm sorry.
We actually ran out of that yesterday.
Excuse me? We don't have any left.
It's because I'm black, isn't it? Sorry? Don't make out you never heard me.
You're just shame because I'm pulling you up on it.
I don't know what you're talking about! Yeah, you racist dog! I've been putting up with this my entire life.
You think I can't tell when someone is judging me because I'm black.
If I was WHITE you'd have the biggest mob of shampoo and conditioner for me, but because I'm black you think that my hair isn't good enough for your poxy Aviante Shampoo and Conditioner.
Well, guess what? You can shove it up your racist hole! And remember you're on Aboriginal land.
Ho! Ha! Ya! Hu! (Makes bird noise) Ho! Ha! Ho! Oh, my God! I can't believe it's actually happening! I know! You should've seen the way he proposed.
It was so romantic! Did he go down on one knee? He did.
His speech was so beautiful.
Everybody in the restaurant was looking.
They all clapped and cheered when I said yes! (Laughs) So what kind of wedding are you going to go for? I haven't really thought about that, but John's a fairly traditional man.
Isn't that right, honey? MAN: What's that, babe? That we'll probably have a traditional wedding.
Damn straight! I heard you and your boy ain't talking at the moment.
Hmm, don't get me started.
It's all because of that little Evans bitch he's with.
So it's true? She won the lotto? Yeah! Not that I'm going to see one red cent of it, thanks to that little tight-arsed bitch.
(Gasps) Ooh, ah.
I expected half them winnings, but nah, she's going to give it to her old wrinkled-up, can't see, can't walk, got-no-teeth mother of hers.
I said to her, 'Hey-ya, what's she gonna do with it? She can't enjoy it.
' And what'd she say to that? Oh, tried to make out it was for her mother's health.
Said for some treatment to make herself better.
I reckon, ooh-ah, what for? She's not going to be around for five years.
How's she going to spend all that money in that time? True, eh.
I know! And then she had the cheek to tell me that I could have any money left over when her mother passes away.
In her hole! Make me wait five years! I could been on a cruise around the world five times looking for a man.
I said to her, 'Why do I have to hold on to five years of my life when that miserable bitch is clinging on to hers?' Oh, that's terrible! What happened? I said, if I didn't PUSH OUT MY SON, she would never have met him, she would never have moved here, she would never have gone to that newsagency and got that poxy lotto ticket.
So if she didn't give me half her winnings, she could stick it up her tight little clacker.
Oh, good on you, Ginny.
See, the world needs more people like you.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
(Bad Aboriginal accent) Hey, which way? Who you? How you know John now? I'm his cousin.
Ah, shut up! True? I'm his woman, Tiffany.
That makes you my cousin, brother boy.
Solid! Ah, come here, brother boy.
Eh, Tidda? Tidda, how you know John now? He's my uncle.
Look out! Who you belong to? I'm Jenny's daughter.
Ah! Can't be! Ha! You been growing up proper big since I've seen you last! I saw you last week.
But you know how long a week in black fella time is - proper long.
How is a week in black fella time different to a week in white fella time? Oh, you know, Murri time.
You're not Murri.
Hey Bubba, you don't wanna talk to me like that when I belongs to you.
That's proper hurtful, you know.
I'm your Aunty Tiffany.
You don't wanna talk to me like that.
Make me proper sad, true.
Mum Glor! Your granddaughter here, she been saying proper hurtful things, you know.
She trying to say I'm not Murri.
Mum Glor! Mama Glor! Hey, Mama Glor! Argh! Who you? Hey, brother.
What you doing? Shh! Hiding from Tiffany there.
She make me proper shame.
Because I thought that you said that she was real deadly and keen to learn about our ways.
She going proper overboard now.
Hey-ya, brother.
Give me 20 dollar there, la, so I can go buy a charge.
Here Tidda, give me one sookum there.
True, I'm proper stressed, eh.
My niece there, she been trying tell me I'm white.
Oh, damn! So, the black bitch is taking a photo.
Selfie.
Selfie? Oh, my back! (Sighs) See how they go.
I'm sick of this phone ringing too.
Anyone think we running a brothel here! That manager wanna put on a receptionist, 'cause I ain't answering no phone in my break! It ain't in my job description.
They can all go and scratch! And the manager don't answer it neither, unless Aunty from across the road there coming over here gammin looking for change for that parking meter.
Go up the shop if ya gotta get change! But how she go? Always in that same ugly-looking fluffy fluoro jumper she wear! You notice that? And it rides right up her hmm.
Shame job! But you know she's only over here looking for that manager, eh.
'Cause otherwise why else she be over her parading for? Clicking around here in your high heels.
And they're that loud! I don't know what she trying to prove.
No-one wants her! What she over here for? Go on, she'll know it when these girls catch on - they'll run her.
Wild gins, they are! WOMAN: Hey, Mavis.
Hey, how you going? Eh, geez you look neat in that fluoro fluffy jumper.
Where'd ya get that from? Fits you well.
Oh, thanks.
You big gee-whiz.
Hello? (Gasps) Mum! The magician's here.
Can I help you? Hello, I'm Magic Murri.
I'm the magician hired for the party today.
Oh! I think there must be some misunderstanding.
Oh, have I come at the wrong time? No! No, in fact, you're early.
It's just, um.
.
I didn't order a black magician.
I'm sorry? Well, you're a black magician, so obviously you do black magic.
No, I just do stuff like pull rabbits out of hats.
Oh, right, and what do you do after that? Sacrifice them? Oh, my God! (Gasps) My God! You're a witch doctor! Are you a featherfoot? Are you a kurdaitcha man? Oh, I have seen them on the Discovery Channel.
Oh, my God! Here, let me show you.
No, no, no, no! Please, I will pay you for your time, but just please, please, leave me and my kids alone.
Please, just calm down! Why Why are you doing this? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
It's because of that woman.
That crazy woman who accused me of sleeping with her Aboriginal man! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
She cursed me! She cursed me! I have never, EVER slept with an Aboriginal man.
Here, look! Oh, no, no, no.
Please! Please.
Kids! Come.
Just go away! Kids, quick, run! Pillia Mittigar, children.
Today I'm going to tell you the story of Why The Emu Can't Fly.
In the Dreamtime, there was a beautiful emu.
The most beautiful emu in all the land.
She was funny and smart and talented, and she flew the highest of all the birds.
One night, Emu was at a corroboree with all the other bush animals.
She was dancing when a handsome Black Snake slithered over to her and asked her to dance with him.
They danced and laughed for hours, and at the end of the night they exchanged phone numbers.
Everyone told Emu that the Black Snake was trouble, but she didn't listen and they fell in love anyways.
Soon after, they moved in together and even opened a joint savings account to put money in towards a holiday in Bali.
Emu really wanted to go to Italy, but due to Black Snake's criminal record, they could only go to Bali.
Not long after, things changed.
Black Snake started coming home late, making up all kinds of stories about where he was and who he was with, not answering his phone.
Emu knew something was wrong, so one day she borrowed her sister's Hyundai and followed Black Snake home from work.
But Black Snake didn't come home.
He went to a Formula One Motel! Emu started getting real wild.
She burst into the room and lo and behold! There's Black Snake and Cassandra King, the dirty bush pig mole, playing hide the snake in the big, smelly bush! So Emu says, 'Jeremy! I told you if I caught you cheating on me again, I'd cut your fucking dick off!' But Jeremy, the stupid Black Snake, he just laughed.
So I grabbed that bottle of Prosecco and I smashed it and I sure showed him! Now Emu can't go anywhere because of her 'bail conditions' as she awaits trial for 'grievous bodily harm'.
She can't leave the house, except for work, or go within 500m of that dickless Black Snake Jeremy, as if she'd want to anyways.
And that, children, is the Dreamtime story of why the emu can't fly.
Welcome, Steven.
Hello.
I believe you're auditioning for the role of King Lear.
Ah, that's correct.
I'll be doing the soliloquy from Act 3, Scene 2.
Well, when you're ready, you may start.
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! You cataracts and hurricanes spout, till you have drench'd the steeples, and drowned (Gasps) .
.
the cocks! You sulpherous thought-executing fires, vaunt couriers, oak-cleaving thunderbolts, singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder, strike flat the thick rotundity of the world, break Nature's moulds, all germains spill at once, that makes ungrateful man! (Breaths heavily) Whoa! Oh, I like it.
Mr Oliver, you do realise that this production of King Lear will be touring primary schools? Ah, yes.
That's why I toned it down.
Right.
Well, we've got your number and we'll be in contact.
OK.
Thank you.
OK.
Elizabeth, something weighs very heavy on my heart.
Pray tell what, sister? I am with child.
Glorious news.
The child is not Joseph's.
Oh, not so glorious.
Whose is it? The Lord's.
Of course, the Lord's child.
Yep, I get it.
Whose is it really? Elizabeth, I have been made pregnant by the Holy Spirit! How does the Holy Spirit You know, how does it? Was it Ray Ray from Jerusalem? Or Joe Boy from Galilee.
No, it wasn't.
Because have you seen Ray Ray without his robes on, he is cut up.
Joe Boy is H-O-T, with a capital H-O-T.
It's an immaculate conception! The conception was completely immaculate, completely immaculate.
So that's what you're calling it? Yes, that's what I was thinking of calling it.
What do you think? It's a good title.
It's better than like pure pregnancy.
It's catchy.
Yeah, go with it.
Until you can think of something better anyways.
Look, Sis, there's my ride.
I'm going over to Jerusalem, only for the day, OK? But I'll come and see you tonight.
Alright? Yaweh.
Yep? So the black bitch is sleeping? Napping.
Napping? Oh, my God.
It's my ex, Tiffany.
Oh, shit.
I think she's seen us.
(Bad Aboriginal accent) Hello, John.
Hi, Tiffany.
It's now pronounced Tee-Farnay, though I don't know why I should expect you to know that.
You never been pay attention to me in our gammin relationship, so why should you know anything about me.
You done proper break my heart, you know.
I been try proper hard to save our relationship, but you fella just didn't care.
Can you stop talking like that? Like what? Like you're black.
Don't you be discriminating against me because of how I talk! You fella proper racist.
Excuse me? If anybody's racist, it's you.
Don't be dragging me into your identity crisis.
Ooh, well, la-de-da! Don't be using your big words and phrases on me.
Not all of us had a privileged education.
But you went to an all-girls private school.
So? In Switzerland.
Don't judge me because of my edu-ma-cation.
But you're the one that What is wrong with you mob? I never been do anything to you.
The only thing I been guilty of is loving you, John! I been give you my all but I never been getting nothing in return, and now you're gonna sit here with you're uptown woman and pass judgment on me.
On the way I talk, on my education.
Not all of us can have the life you fella can have, you know.
You fella so privileged that you don't know what it's like to be judged and discriminated against.
I've been fighting all my life, and I'm struggling.
It's proper hard, you know.
I feel like I'm drowning, and I gotta be like the dugong - I gotta come up for air, but if I do then them blackfellas gonna see me and they gonna spear me and eat me 'cause I taste proper lovely.
So just stop.
Stop your judging and discriminating because unless you fella walk a mile in my shoes then you don't know how hard my life has been.
She IS nuts! Yep.
Oh, my God.
Did you just rub up against my leg? Sorry? My leg? Did you just rub your budhoo up against my leg? I'm not sure what you're referring to? You dirty bastard! Don't act dumb with me.
You know exactly what I meant.
You just want me to say that word - that P word.
Really, I don't what Pee-pee! There.
Are you happy? I said it! Pee-pee! Are you turned on now? Are you? Huh? Huh? Does it make you want me even more? Oh, my God! I can't sit next to a man like you! (Screams) Oh, my God, what are you doing? Let me past you vile, dirty man! Oh my goodness, stop trying to have your way with me! You're evil, I tell you! Evil! (Moans) (Screams) You dirty bastard! People like you make me sick! Don't let me catch you on this bus again or I'll cut your pee-pee off and wear it for a necklace! (Gasps) Oh, my God! Did you just touch me on the arse? MAN, VOICE-OVER: In a world of racism and oppression stands one man caught between two worlds.
Are you ready for some Aboriginal justice? A man who fights for the survival of his people.
A man who does things as they've been done for thousands of years.
A man who don't take no shit from nobody.
That's what I call branching out.
Damn it, Blackest! I told you before, you can't go around spearing people in the leg.
That's your problem right there, Sarge.
You're too busy slapping people on the wrist when you should be slapping them on the arse! This summer, you think you know black? Well, you don't know shit.
OK, ladies.
Who wants Blackest babies? Not until you've seen Blackest of the Black.
I hear you've been telling jokes about Aboriginals.
Let's see how well you tell them with no lips.
That's what you get for being lippy with Blackest, sucker.
Or should I say 'suckless'? FUNKY MUSIC Pale justice! My boomerang always comes back.
(Sobs) (Sings indistinctly) (Wails) What? You never seen a black woman drink before? Yeah, you wanna keep walking, dog, before I smash you.
(Wails) Why you left me!