Black-ish (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
The Nod
Dre: Funny thing about evolution Some species flourish in any environment.
Zoey, how the hell does everybody here know you but nobody knows your brother? [Chuckling.]
Bye, Dad.
And bye, kid who rides to school with me and who some may think resembles me but is in no way related to me.
- Hi.
- But some species struggle.
Oh, no! My hobbit shire! Son, why are we the only ones carrying an extra-credit project? Well, it's not extra credit, per se - More so extra acknowledgment.
- Ah.
You had me drive all the way to Azusa to get virgin wheat grass for an acknowledgment project? Your ass lucky we in public.
But the thing that always helps you through your struggle is having a sense of community.
Instead of treated, we get tricked Hey.
Why didn't you give that kid the nod? - The nod? - Yes, the nod To acknowledge that you've seen him.
- But I don't know him.
- What does that matter? You two have something in common.
Oh, my God.
You don't even know what you have in common, do you? No! My hobbit shire! SO1EO3 The Nod Pops, you should have seen it.
The boy just stared at him No nod, like his neck was broken.
Well, maybe something is wrong with his neck.
Did you ask him? - Something wrong with your neck, boy? - What? No.
I mean I don't think so.
Rainbow: So he didn't nod at somebody.
- I don't get what the big deal is.
- Of course you don't.
Look, babe, the nod is important.
It's the internationally accepted, yet unspoken, sign of acknowledgment of black folks around the world.
Thank you very much.
[Applause, camera shutters clicking.]
So, no matter who you are or where you're at, it's your duty to give the nod.
Even in the most extrem of circumstances, we always found a way to let each other know, "I see you, bruh.
" Dre, please do not turn this into yet another thing.
The truth is that Junior's generation has a different perspective on the struggle than you and pops.
Can't you just let that be a good thing? - No! - Okay.
Bow, the nod is on the same primal level as a baby waving "hi.
" - That's right.
- Uh-huh.
A as a man scrunching up his face when a woman with a big butt walks by.
- Ahh! - Whew! Oh, my God.
You don't do that, either? I have failed! - Pops - I'm sorry, Junior.
Much as I hate to admit it, my idiot son is right this time.
- This is basic stuff.
- Even the butt thing? Especially the butt thing basic black.
What Wow.
- Thank you, pops.
- Oh, you're welcome, son.
- You did hear me call you an idiot, yes? - Yes.
Noted.
Well, I've got a 7:30 online call for "ghost recon," so Hey, pops, we fought too hard for these kids.
- They have nothing left to struggle for.
- Can't that be a good thing? - No.
- No! Hey, Zoey, I was - Okay.
- I know, right? Like, she just comes up to me and starts talking.
That's what I have to deal with.
[Sighs.]
Hey, guys.
What you doin'? - Making posters for career day.
- Career day.
Ooh, career day.
Oh, my God.
I love that so awesome.
Jack, what are you drawing? It's me performing at the Rose Bowl in eight years.
I want to be a teen sensation.
- Is that a job? - You tell me.
Let me see.
- [Rae Sremmurd's "No Flex Zone" plays.]
- Whoo! Yeah! [Laughs.]
Boom! Can't argue with that.
No money? Is this a joke to you? No what? No flex zone [Sighs.]
Oh! Test tubes! Like mother, like daughter.
Those aren't test tubes.
- Oh.
- They're energy drinks for an ad campaign aimed at kids who are too young to drink energy drinks.
Hmm.
I want to work in advertising like dad.
Wait.
What do you mean? Wait, sweetheart, I thought you wanted to be a doctor like like mommy.
And wear the same thing to work every day.
Well hmm.
How long do you have to go to school to be a doctor? Well, there's four years of college and then there's four years of med school - and then three years of Okay.
- I'm gonna stop you right there.
Daddy just went to college, and he's got all three pair of yeezys.
Okay, I'm gonna level with you.
You are my only hope.
Zoey is obviously gonna marry well.
- Probably several times.
- Junior I mean, we're lucky if we get him out of the house before he's 30.
- [Singsong voice.]
Optimistic.
- And then there's Jack.
Hey no flex zone no flex zone - I know.
- Sweetheart I need you on this one.
Do you understand? Mnh-mnh.
So, I started to think that maybe I was making too big a deal of this whole nod thing and then it happened.
- What up, man? - Dre.
Dre Johnson, the big SVP.
I know who you are.
[Chuckles.]
Charlie Telphy.
They just brought me on as the new account manager.
- Oh.
Well, welcome, man.
- Yeah.
Hey, where'd they bring you from? Starbucks headquarter up in Seattle.
- It's rainy up there.
- Mm-hmm.
Wet and sad.
This move saved my life.
- Glad that happened for you, brother.
- Yeah, yeah.
Lot of bad stuff happened up there in Seattle.
Okay.
Well, look, I'll catch you later, brother.
Yeah, yeah, you will.
- U unless you heard something I don't know.
- L like what? Like they're gonna fire a brother right after hire.
- Uh no.
- They wouldn't do that, right? - You're cool, man.
Everything's all right.
- [Chuckles.]
'Cause I do my work.
- Uh, uh, okay.
Good.
- All right? - I'm-a see you around.
- Oh, okay.
All right.
- Yes, sir.
All right.
- Okay, cool.
- You good? - Yeah, I'm good.
You? - All right? [Chuckles.]
- Oh, again! [Chuckles.]
- All right, now.
- Yeah.
Nice guy.
I mean, he was a bit of a hugger and a double dapper, but who cares? We connected, and that's what I wanted for Junior.
I need to get my boy some of this.
Dre: White guy.
White guy.
White guy.
Wow.
There really are no black guys your age at your school.
- Hey.
What about him? - He's Filipino.
[Chuckles.]
I'm sure that's what his mother tells him.
- Hey, what about that dude? - Sri Lankan.
Not even a real place.
- [Gasps.]
What about him? - He's from Malawi.
Where's that? Africa.
Pass.
Why doesn't Zoey have to do this? I have black friends.
You know, I'm cool, plus I'm black, which is cool, so I win twice.
Wow.
The black pool at your school is very shallow.
- It is? I haven't noticed.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course he hadn't.
It wasn't Junior's fault.
This one was on me.
I'm the one who put him in that private school.
I had made him the fly in buttermilk, so it was up to me to make it right.
I was determined to find Junior some black friends.
Hey, boys.
You like chips and soda? Huh? W what are you 12? 13? No, no, no, no! No, no.
Nothing weird.
No, nothing weird.
Just looking for some young black boys to bring back to my house.
[Cellphone dials 911.]
Uh ma'am? Uh, after hearing that back in my head, you are doing the right thing.
I'm gonna roll off now.
- [Tires squeal.]
- All right.
Stupid child molesters.
Can't even invite kids back to your house for delicious snacks anymore.
Cheetos, chips, cheesy chips, and snickerdoodles.
What a waste.
I can't believe I bought all this stuff for nothing.
So, you were trolling for boys? I was not trolling.
I saw the best candidates, and I made my pitch Which, by the way, had that lady not been sitting there, would have resulted in us having three beautiful black boys in our home.
Problem solved.
- Uh - Hmm.
You're wearing the same thing again.
Oh.
Uh Shocking.
[Chuckles.]
Dre, we need a sensible method to find Junior some black friends that's not gonna result in your prosecution or imprisonment, okay? - [Gasps.]
- Oh! Oh! I've got it! - What? - Oh.
- Boom.
- The Leimert Social Club? - Yeah.
- [Scoffs.]
Sounds like a Bougie Club for rich black kids.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No, thank you.
No, no, no! They have get-togethers Uh, community outreach, cultural enrichment.
Sounds culty.
It's not culty, Dre.
Look! Look at this.
Black people gardening.
When was the last time you saw that? You mean besides our nation's 400 years of nonconsensual gardening? Okay, fine, so it may be not your thing, but it might be Junior's thing, so you just need to try it.
- All right.
- Anyway, I need to go to my very cool job where I save lives and get to wear Oh, whoa, whoa clogs and toe socks.
[Chuckling.]
What? Okay.
I'm not one to keep an open mind or listen to people, but I was desperate, so I decided to check out the Leimert Social Club.
So, we at Leimert Social Club have certain core values of service, leadership, and collegiality.
Tell us what you're looking to get out of your membership.
More black friends for my son.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
I'm sure he'll make plenty of friends, but, specifically, what ways would you like to see him enriched? Mm.
Like, an overall blackening.
Think of the boy as a piece of salmon and your club as the Skillet.
Hmm.
I'm not sure you understand what we do.
Oh, no, no, no.
We know what you do.
Cotillions, special events, fundraisers, blah, blah, blah.
- Yeah, it's all right there.
- See, what we're interested in is the horde of black children you have.
Mm-hmm.
Well, we don't refer to our children as a horde.
- Oh, fair enough.
Fair enough.
- Oh.
But, for example, what concentration of black are we talking about? Yes.
Are we talking raw, uncut biggie black or Low-Cal Drake black? - Excellent question, son.
- Thank you, father.
So, as we came to the mutual agreement that the Leimert Social Club probably wasn't for us, Bow was attempting a little social engineering of her own.
I thought you said we were taking the day off of school to do fun stuff like get frozen yogurt.
We are doing fun stuff.
After I show you all the very cool stuff that I do here, we're gonna go downstairs to the cafeteria, and, because I'm a doctor, you're gonna get some free frozen yogurt.
Free or not, hospital yogurt is not how I saw my day going.
Huh.
So, look at this, Dee.
This is my workstation.
See, I put an I.
V.
into the patient's arm, and then I monitor their vitals During the procedure to make sure that they don't die.
- Mom.
- Huh? Do you know what's better than all this? - What? - Last week, at dad's job, Justin Bieber wrestled Kevin durant's dog for the rehearsal of a Nike commercial.
- The Rehearsal.
- Got it.
I make sure people don't die.
But at dad's job, they actually wrestle people.
- Mommy saves people.
Just saying.
- Can we go now? Meanwhile, I still needed to figure out how to help Junior, so I retreated to my favorite thinking spot.
Charlie: 'Sup, Dre? Executive washroom.
Nice! Good thing they never lock it.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Let's stop right here.
Does this guy not know urinal protocol? You start on the ends, always leaving a buffer.
See these two right here? These are your spacers.
They're just for show.
[Buzzer.]
They are never to be used under any circumstances.
And above all else, never make direct eye contact.
And you never I see you representin'.
Holding it Di-down over there.
[Chuckles.]
What are you Charlie What's up, Charlie? Oh, nothing, man.
You know, just trying to stay two steps ahead of the man.
- You dig? - Yeah.
What's wrong, Dre? You're looking pensive.
Oh.
Uh, maybe this is just my pee face.
No.
I know your pee face.
There's something else going on.
I don't know if it was because he knew my pee face or because I was desperate to change the subject, but I downloaded him on what was going on with me and Junior, and, believe it or not, Charlie had a pretty interesting take.
Look, all your son needs to do is understand the struggle.
- You get me? - Mm.
Take him back to the hood.
Charlie may not have known all the urinal decorum, - but he was a'ight.
- Whew! Whew.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
So, wasn't lunch awesome? Yeah.
I love "warm" chicken-noodle soup.
Look.
This is our locked drug cabinet.
It is filled with very dangerous and very powerful narcotics, and there is only one key, and I have it.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! How long has this been like this? They're gonna take my key from me.
Woman on P.
A.
: Dr.
R.
Johnson to the E.
R.
Okay, that's me.
Listen, uh, nurse Larry? Uh, this is my child.
I'll be right back.
You stay with him, okay? - Hi.
- Hey.
[Sighs.]
I like your glasses.
Thank you.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Dre: Ahhhhh.
This is it, son.
Look at that.
Look at that.
This is the place that made me.
Being here will teach you everything you need to know about the struggle.
A kid in the bathroom asked me if I wanted to buy a police car.
Ahh.
The lessons have already begun.
And some of the best lessons you'll ever learn will be right here on this court.
Look at this pickup game.
Definition of instant camaraderie Five strangers coming together to form one team.
We got to get you out on the court, son.
Come on.
Yo! We got next! Yeah, stretch it out, son.
What the hell are you doing? Pilates.
Think I got it.
Just bear with me one second.
Here we go.
Look.
Rubber Turkey.
[Gobbles.]
[Chuckles.]
I love it, man who has a woman's job.
Ooh.
[Gobbles.]
[Chuckles.]
I have to go to the bathroom.
- Do you know where the Ba - Yeah.
[Wheels rattling.]
Patient's lost consciousness.
Get him into surgery.
[Indistinct talking.]
[Pink's "Get The Party Started" plays.]
I-I-I-I-I'm comin' up so you better get this party started get this party started on a Saturday night everybody's waitin' for me to arrive Boulevard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast I'll be burnin' rubber, you'll be kissin' my ass I-I-I-I-I'm comin' up so you better get this party started get this party starte-e-e-e-d, ohh, ohh get this party started right now [Flatline.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Baby! How much did you see? All of it.
You're yelling at me for Junior getting tomahawked on.
- You took Diane to the hospital.
- She saw a tomahawk in somebody's skull! I know! I know! Oh, my God! I traumatized our daughter.
Diane's broken, and Junior telegraphs his passes.
Mm.
Here it comes! - We're horrible parents.
- Horrible.
[Microwave beeps.]
Dre: Oh.
Hey, Rachel.
What's up, Charlie? Dre! What's up, baby? Oh, my God.
Heaven on a spoon.
Mm.
You got to try this.
[Chuckles.]
You know, I'm not a big soup sharer, brother.
I'm good.
No, you're not, and I ain't about to have you being mad at me for not making you try this.
- Now open up.
Get some.
- Hey, hey, Charlie Hard pass, man.
All right, you need to pump your brakes.
All right, player.
I'm I'm pumping.
You know, you've been riding my bumper pretty tough.
Hey.
Relax.
My bad, dawg.
I'm just, you know, just trying to fit in a little bit.
You know, me and my son, we're new out here, don't know nobody, you know Especially no black people.
No worries.
Sorry, man.
Hey.
You say you got a son? Yeah, around the same age as yours.
We should get them together, man.
What's he doing tonight? He wide open.
I could drop him off.
And wait outside - And listen to my T.
D.
Jakes tapes by myself - Hey, hey.
Hey.
Charlie.
Charlie, how about you both come by for dinner? - That would be great! [Chuckles.]
- All right.
- What time? - 7:00.
Cool.
We'll be there before 8:00.
Okay, that's cool, brother.
No later than 8:30.
- Hey, Charlie? - 9:00? - Pump your brakes.
- I'm pumping.
I'm pumping, brother.
[Chuckles.]
No later than 10:00.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
You know, I've been meaning to talk to you.
I was so excited to bring you to the hospital, but I'm really sorry that you You saw all those terrible, terrible things.
I saw a man with a hatchet - I know.
- In his head.
It was Awesome! E-excuse me? And that guy with coyote bites sweet! Oh and you said sometimes people die, and it could be the Doctor's fault, but no one can actually say so for sure.
- Right? - W - Right? - Right.
Technically, that is true.
Hmm.
I definitely want to be a doctor.
Definitely.
I'm gonna go tell Jack.
He'll be so jealous! Yes! Ohhhhhh! [Doorbell rings.]
Dad, do we really have to do this? I was kind of hoping that my first blind date would be with a girl.
Yeah, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't need a blind date.
[Chuckles.]
It's okay, sweetie.
Hey, hey! What's happening, Dre? - How you doing, man? [Chuckles.]
- All right.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
- You must be Rainbow.
- I am.
- I brought you some flowers.
- Oh! How nice! - It's so lovely.
- Oh.
- It's a wrist corsage.
- Nice.
[Chuckles.]
This is my son, Eustace.
Uh, we call him "Useless.
" [Laughter.]
You're the only one who calls me that.
[Chuckles.]
That's 'cause I love you! [Laughter.]
And you don't do a whole lot.
Okay.
Have you have you eaten already? What? The, uh Oh.
It's just burgers.
- Nothing much.
Just burgers.
- O-okay.
Hey, son, why don't you go kick it with your new black friend, all right? - Take him upstairs.
- [Chuckles.]
Uh, so, is there a Mrs.
Telphy, or? Oh.
Actually, we, uh We're going through a pretty nasty divorce right now.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
Eustace: You are? Uh Just go upstairs and play! - [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, well, let's let's go into - All right.
Yeah, let's go get comfortable.
- Sure.
Can I take that burger? - No.
No.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Oh.
You know, when your wife cheats on you Mm.
Then shoots you You'd think you'd feel angry.
And I did.
But I also felt inadequate.
Everything shut down.
All this stuff down here stopped working a long time ago.
Oh.
All right.
- Yeah.
Now I know why they call it "junk.
" - [Chortles.]
Rainbow: Okay.
Mm.
Hmm.
Well I think that, uh, meatloaf is chasing that burger to the exit, if you know what I'm talking about.
- You know what I'm saying.
- I do now.
Um, which bathroom is no one using for the rest of the night? Whichever one you use.
All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Top of the stairs, to the left.
Top of the steps? I'll find it.
If I don't, y'all got a problem, right? [Laughter.]
So, your friend seems nice.
Okay, babe, Charlie isn't for everybody.
Charlie isn't for anybody.
Not only were we verbally accosted, he has no boundaries.
He showed us jpegs of his rectal polyps.
Which were benign.
Babe Showing empathy towards Charlie is a part of the struggle.
I'm tired of the struggle.
Look, babe, Charlie may have some idiosyncrasies, but if this is what it takes to get Junior a new black friend, so be it.
Okay, fine.
Dre! Dre! - Hmm? - Look what I found in your closet.
O.
G.
Air 1s! Huh?! Oh no.
Please take my shoes off.
And they feel like you ain't never wore these before.
- [Chuckles.]
- Please take my shoes off.
- And guess what.
- Please take my shoes off.
Just guess! And you're not wearing socks? And we wear the same size! Huh? Hey.
Eustace.
It's time to go.
Your dad is ready to go right now.
Come on.
[Snaps fingers.]
Immediately! Hang on, Dad.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough.
Ain't nobody got time for that! You ain't got no more black friends at my house! Let's go, Eustace! What were you gonna say? Just, we should coat the bridge with moss to slick it up.
That way, the orcs can't cross into Rivendell.
Junior: How did I not think of that? Give me some! Both: Yass, gaga, yass! [Both chuckle.]
Dre: And it was at that moment I realized that struggle comes in a lot of different forms.
Junior's was just different than mine.
But no matter what your fight, you still need your community.
It's the hard knock life for us And you need to let them know, "I see you, bruh.
" And for Junior, nerd is the new black.
Sorry, Orange.
There you go.
Scrunch, son.
Ooh.
Scrunch it.
All right hey, no, no, no, no, no.
Just do what comes natural.
Just lighten up a little bit.
You're not scared.
You're not scared.
Oh.
Here comes another one.
Lock and load, son.
Lock - Okay.
Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
Good form.
Good form, Junior.
Yeah! He's a natural! [Chuckles.]
Is it okay if I cuss? Sure.
Damn.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
That's exactly what I said when I met your mama.
Yeah, come to think of it, me too.
[Laughter.]
Zoey, how the hell does everybody here know you but nobody knows your brother? [Chuckling.]
Bye, Dad.
And bye, kid who rides to school with me and who some may think resembles me but is in no way related to me.
- Hi.
- But some species struggle.
Oh, no! My hobbit shire! Son, why are we the only ones carrying an extra-credit project? Well, it's not extra credit, per se - More so extra acknowledgment.
- Ah.
You had me drive all the way to Azusa to get virgin wheat grass for an acknowledgment project? Your ass lucky we in public.
But the thing that always helps you through your struggle is having a sense of community.
Instead of treated, we get tricked Hey.
Why didn't you give that kid the nod? - The nod? - Yes, the nod To acknowledge that you've seen him.
- But I don't know him.
- What does that matter? You two have something in common.
Oh, my God.
You don't even know what you have in common, do you? No! My hobbit shire! SO1EO3 The Nod Pops, you should have seen it.
The boy just stared at him No nod, like his neck was broken.
Well, maybe something is wrong with his neck.
Did you ask him? - Something wrong with your neck, boy? - What? No.
I mean I don't think so.
Rainbow: So he didn't nod at somebody.
- I don't get what the big deal is.
- Of course you don't.
Look, babe, the nod is important.
It's the internationally accepted, yet unspoken, sign of acknowledgment of black folks around the world.
Thank you very much.
[Applause, camera shutters clicking.]
So, no matter who you are or where you're at, it's your duty to give the nod.
Even in the most extrem of circumstances, we always found a way to let each other know, "I see you, bruh.
" Dre, please do not turn this into yet another thing.
The truth is that Junior's generation has a different perspective on the struggle than you and pops.
Can't you just let that be a good thing? - No! - Okay.
Bow, the nod is on the same primal level as a baby waving "hi.
" - That's right.
- Uh-huh.
A as a man scrunching up his face when a woman with a big butt walks by.
- Ahh! - Whew! Oh, my God.
You don't do that, either? I have failed! - Pops - I'm sorry, Junior.
Much as I hate to admit it, my idiot son is right this time.
- This is basic stuff.
- Even the butt thing? Especially the butt thing basic black.
What Wow.
- Thank you, pops.
- Oh, you're welcome, son.
- You did hear me call you an idiot, yes? - Yes.
Noted.
Well, I've got a 7:30 online call for "ghost recon," so Hey, pops, we fought too hard for these kids.
- They have nothing left to struggle for.
- Can't that be a good thing? - No.
- No! Hey, Zoey, I was - Okay.
- I know, right? Like, she just comes up to me and starts talking.
That's what I have to deal with.
[Sighs.]
Hey, guys.
What you doin'? - Making posters for career day.
- Career day.
Ooh, career day.
Oh, my God.
I love that so awesome.
Jack, what are you drawing? It's me performing at the Rose Bowl in eight years.
I want to be a teen sensation.
- Is that a job? - You tell me.
Let me see.
- [Rae Sremmurd's "No Flex Zone" plays.]
- Whoo! Yeah! [Laughs.]
Boom! Can't argue with that.
No money? Is this a joke to you? No what? No flex zone [Sighs.]
Oh! Test tubes! Like mother, like daughter.
Those aren't test tubes.
- Oh.
- They're energy drinks for an ad campaign aimed at kids who are too young to drink energy drinks.
Hmm.
I want to work in advertising like dad.
Wait.
What do you mean? Wait, sweetheart, I thought you wanted to be a doctor like like mommy.
And wear the same thing to work every day.
Well hmm.
How long do you have to go to school to be a doctor? Well, there's four years of college and then there's four years of med school - and then three years of Okay.
- I'm gonna stop you right there.
Daddy just went to college, and he's got all three pair of yeezys.
Okay, I'm gonna level with you.
You are my only hope.
Zoey is obviously gonna marry well.
- Probably several times.
- Junior I mean, we're lucky if we get him out of the house before he's 30.
- [Singsong voice.]
Optimistic.
- And then there's Jack.
Hey no flex zone no flex zone - I know.
- Sweetheart I need you on this one.
Do you understand? Mnh-mnh.
So, I started to think that maybe I was making too big a deal of this whole nod thing and then it happened.
- What up, man? - Dre.
Dre Johnson, the big SVP.
I know who you are.
[Chuckles.]
Charlie Telphy.
They just brought me on as the new account manager.
- Oh.
Well, welcome, man.
- Yeah.
Hey, where'd they bring you from? Starbucks headquarter up in Seattle.
- It's rainy up there.
- Mm-hmm.
Wet and sad.
This move saved my life.
- Glad that happened for you, brother.
- Yeah, yeah.
Lot of bad stuff happened up there in Seattle.
Okay.
Well, look, I'll catch you later, brother.
Yeah, yeah, you will.
- U unless you heard something I don't know.
- L like what? Like they're gonna fire a brother right after hire.
- Uh no.
- They wouldn't do that, right? - You're cool, man.
Everything's all right.
- [Chuckles.]
'Cause I do my work.
- Uh, uh, okay.
Good.
- All right? - I'm-a see you around.
- Oh, okay.
All right.
- Yes, sir.
All right.
- Okay, cool.
- You good? - Yeah, I'm good.
You? - All right? [Chuckles.]
- Oh, again! [Chuckles.]
- All right, now.
- Yeah.
Nice guy.
I mean, he was a bit of a hugger and a double dapper, but who cares? We connected, and that's what I wanted for Junior.
I need to get my boy some of this.
Dre: White guy.
White guy.
White guy.
Wow.
There really are no black guys your age at your school.
- Hey.
What about him? - He's Filipino.
[Chuckles.]
I'm sure that's what his mother tells him.
- Hey, what about that dude? - Sri Lankan.
Not even a real place.
- [Gasps.]
What about him? - He's from Malawi.
Where's that? Africa.
Pass.
Why doesn't Zoey have to do this? I have black friends.
You know, I'm cool, plus I'm black, which is cool, so I win twice.
Wow.
The black pool at your school is very shallow.
- It is? I haven't noticed.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course he hadn't.
It wasn't Junior's fault.
This one was on me.
I'm the one who put him in that private school.
I had made him the fly in buttermilk, so it was up to me to make it right.
I was determined to find Junior some black friends.
Hey, boys.
You like chips and soda? Huh? W what are you 12? 13? No, no, no, no! No, no.
Nothing weird.
No, nothing weird.
Just looking for some young black boys to bring back to my house.
[Cellphone dials 911.]
Uh ma'am? Uh, after hearing that back in my head, you are doing the right thing.
I'm gonna roll off now.
- [Tires squeal.]
- All right.
Stupid child molesters.
Can't even invite kids back to your house for delicious snacks anymore.
Cheetos, chips, cheesy chips, and snickerdoodles.
What a waste.
I can't believe I bought all this stuff for nothing.
So, you were trolling for boys? I was not trolling.
I saw the best candidates, and I made my pitch Which, by the way, had that lady not been sitting there, would have resulted in us having three beautiful black boys in our home.
Problem solved.
- Uh - Hmm.
You're wearing the same thing again.
Oh.
Uh Shocking.
[Chuckles.]
Dre, we need a sensible method to find Junior some black friends that's not gonna result in your prosecution or imprisonment, okay? - [Gasps.]
- Oh! Oh! I've got it! - What? - Oh.
- Boom.
- The Leimert Social Club? - Yeah.
- [Scoffs.]
Sounds like a Bougie Club for rich black kids.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No, thank you.
No, no, no! They have get-togethers Uh, community outreach, cultural enrichment.
Sounds culty.
It's not culty, Dre.
Look! Look at this.
Black people gardening.
When was the last time you saw that? You mean besides our nation's 400 years of nonconsensual gardening? Okay, fine, so it may be not your thing, but it might be Junior's thing, so you just need to try it.
- All right.
- Anyway, I need to go to my very cool job where I save lives and get to wear Oh, whoa, whoa clogs and toe socks.
[Chuckling.]
What? Okay.
I'm not one to keep an open mind or listen to people, but I was desperate, so I decided to check out the Leimert Social Club.
So, we at Leimert Social Club have certain core values of service, leadership, and collegiality.
Tell us what you're looking to get out of your membership.
More black friends for my son.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
I'm sure he'll make plenty of friends, but, specifically, what ways would you like to see him enriched? Mm.
Like, an overall blackening.
Think of the boy as a piece of salmon and your club as the Skillet.
Hmm.
I'm not sure you understand what we do.
Oh, no, no, no.
We know what you do.
Cotillions, special events, fundraisers, blah, blah, blah.
- Yeah, it's all right there.
- See, what we're interested in is the horde of black children you have.
Mm-hmm.
Well, we don't refer to our children as a horde.
- Oh, fair enough.
Fair enough.
- Oh.
But, for example, what concentration of black are we talking about? Yes.
Are we talking raw, uncut biggie black or Low-Cal Drake black? - Excellent question, son.
- Thank you, father.
So, as we came to the mutual agreement that the Leimert Social Club probably wasn't for us, Bow was attempting a little social engineering of her own.
I thought you said we were taking the day off of school to do fun stuff like get frozen yogurt.
We are doing fun stuff.
After I show you all the very cool stuff that I do here, we're gonna go downstairs to the cafeteria, and, because I'm a doctor, you're gonna get some free frozen yogurt.
Free or not, hospital yogurt is not how I saw my day going.
Huh.
So, look at this, Dee.
This is my workstation.
See, I put an I.
V.
into the patient's arm, and then I monitor their vitals During the procedure to make sure that they don't die.
- Mom.
- Huh? Do you know what's better than all this? - What? - Last week, at dad's job, Justin Bieber wrestled Kevin durant's dog for the rehearsal of a Nike commercial.
- The Rehearsal.
- Got it.
I make sure people don't die.
But at dad's job, they actually wrestle people.
- Mommy saves people.
Just saying.
- Can we go now? Meanwhile, I still needed to figure out how to help Junior, so I retreated to my favorite thinking spot.
Charlie: 'Sup, Dre? Executive washroom.
Nice! Good thing they never lock it.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Let's stop right here.
Does this guy not know urinal protocol? You start on the ends, always leaving a buffer.
See these two right here? These are your spacers.
They're just for show.
[Buzzer.]
They are never to be used under any circumstances.
And above all else, never make direct eye contact.
And you never I see you representin'.
Holding it Di-down over there.
[Chuckles.]
What are you Charlie What's up, Charlie? Oh, nothing, man.
You know, just trying to stay two steps ahead of the man.
- You dig? - Yeah.
What's wrong, Dre? You're looking pensive.
Oh.
Uh, maybe this is just my pee face.
No.
I know your pee face.
There's something else going on.
I don't know if it was because he knew my pee face or because I was desperate to change the subject, but I downloaded him on what was going on with me and Junior, and, believe it or not, Charlie had a pretty interesting take.
Look, all your son needs to do is understand the struggle.
- You get me? - Mm.
Take him back to the hood.
Charlie may not have known all the urinal decorum, - but he was a'ight.
- Whew! Whew.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
So, wasn't lunch awesome? Yeah.
I love "warm" chicken-noodle soup.
Look.
This is our locked drug cabinet.
It is filled with very dangerous and very powerful narcotics, and there is only one key, and I have it.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! How long has this been like this? They're gonna take my key from me.
Woman on P.
A.
: Dr.
R.
Johnson to the E.
R.
Okay, that's me.
Listen, uh, nurse Larry? Uh, this is my child.
I'll be right back.
You stay with him, okay? - Hi.
- Hey.
[Sighs.]
I like your glasses.
Thank you.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Dre: Ahhhhh.
This is it, son.
Look at that.
Look at that.
This is the place that made me.
Being here will teach you everything you need to know about the struggle.
A kid in the bathroom asked me if I wanted to buy a police car.
Ahh.
The lessons have already begun.
And some of the best lessons you'll ever learn will be right here on this court.
Look at this pickup game.
Definition of instant camaraderie Five strangers coming together to form one team.
We got to get you out on the court, son.
Come on.
Yo! We got next! Yeah, stretch it out, son.
What the hell are you doing? Pilates.
Think I got it.
Just bear with me one second.
Here we go.
Look.
Rubber Turkey.
[Gobbles.]
[Chuckles.]
I love it, man who has a woman's job.
Ooh.
[Gobbles.]
[Chuckles.]
I have to go to the bathroom.
- Do you know where the Ba - Yeah.
[Wheels rattling.]
Patient's lost consciousness.
Get him into surgery.
[Indistinct talking.]
[Pink's "Get The Party Started" plays.]
I-I-I-I-I'm comin' up so you better get this party started get this party started on a Saturday night everybody's waitin' for me to arrive Boulevard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast I'll be burnin' rubber, you'll be kissin' my ass I-I-I-I-I'm comin' up so you better get this party started get this party starte-e-e-e-d, ohh, ohh get this party started right now [Flatline.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Baby! How much did you see? All of it.
You're yelling at me for Junior getting tomahawked on.
- You took Diane to the hospital.
- She saw a tomahawk in somebody's skull! I know! I know! Oh, my God! I traumatized our daughter.
Diane's broken, and Junior telegraphs his passes.
Mm.
Here it comes! - We're horrible parents.
- Horrible.
[Microwave beeps.]
Dre: Oh.
Hey, Rachel.
What's up, Charlie? Dre! What's up, baby? Oh, my God.
Heaven on a spoon.
Mm.
You got to try this.
[Chuckles.]
You know, I'm not a big soup sharer, brother.
I'm good.
No, you're not, and I ain't about to have you being mad at me for not making you try this.
- Now open up.
Get some.
- Hey, hey, Charlie Hard pass, man.
All right, you need to pump your brakes.
All right, player.
I'm I'm pumping.
You know, you've been riding my bumper pretty tough.
Hey.
Relax.
My bad, dawg.
I'm just, you know, just trying to fit in a little bit.
You know, me and my son, we're new out here, don't know nobody, you know Especially no black people.
No worries.
Sorry, man.
Hey.
You say you got a son? Yeah, around the same age as yours.
We should get them together, man.
What's he doing tonight? He wide open.
I could drop him off.
And wait outside - And listen to my T.
D.
Jakes tapes by myself - Hey, hey.
Hey.
Charlie.
Charlie, how about you both come by for dinner? - That would be great! [Chuckles.]
- All right.
- What time? - 7:00.
Cool.
We'll be there before 8:00.
Okay, that's cool, brother.
No later than 8:30.
- Hey, Charlie? - 9:00? - Pump your brakes.
- I'm pumping.
I'm pumping, brother.
[Chuckles.]
No later than 10:00.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
You know, I've been meaning to talk to you.
I was so excited to bring you to the hospital, but I'm really sorry that you You saw all those terrible, terrible things.
I saw a man with a hatchet - I know.
- In his head.
It was Awesome! E-excuse me? And that guy with coyote bites sweet! Oh and you said sometimes people die, and it could be the Doctor's fault, but no one can actually say so for sure.
- Right? - W - Right? - Right.
Technically, that is true.
Hmm.
I definitely want to be a doctor.
Definitely.
I'm gonna go tell Jack.
He'll be so jealous! Yes! Ohhhhhh! [Doorbell rings.]
Dad, do we really have to do this? I was kind of hoping that my first blind date would be with a girl.
Yeah, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't need a blind date.
[Chuckles.]
It's okay, sweetie.
Hey, hey! What's happening, Dre? - How you doing, man? [Chuckles.]
- All right.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
- You must be Rainbow.
- I am.
- I brought you some flowers.
- Oh! How nice! - It's so lovely.
- Oh.
- It's a wrist corsage.
- Nice.
[Chuckles.]
This is my son, Eustace.
Uh, we call him "Useless.
" [Laughter.]
You're the only one who calls me that.
[Chuckles.]
That's 'cause I love you! [Laughter.]
And you don't do a whole lot.
Okay.
Have you have you eaten already? What? The, uh Oh.
It's just burgers.
- Nothing much.
Just burgers.
- O-okay.
Hey, son, why don't you go kick it with your new black friend, all right? - Take him upstairs.
- [Chuckles.]
Uh, so, is there a Mrs.
Telphy, or? Oh.
Actually, we, uh We're going through a pretty nasty divorce right now.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
Eustace: You are? Uh Just go upstairs and play! - [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, well, let's let's go into - All right.
Yeah, let's go get comfortable.
- Sure.
Can I take that burger? - No.
No.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Oh.
You know, when your wife cheats on you Mm.
Then shoots you You'd think you'd feel angry.
And I did.
But I also felt inadequate.
Everything shut down.
All this stuff down here stopped working a long time ago.
Oh.
All right.
- Yeah.
Now I know why they call it "junk.
" - [Chortles.]
Rainbow: Okay.
Mm.
Hmm.
Well I think that, uh, meatloaf is chasing that burger to the exit, if you know what I'm talking about.
- You know what I'm saying.
- I do now.
Um, which bathroom is no one using for the rest of the night? Whichever one you use.
All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Top of the stairs, to the left.
Top of the steps? I'll find it.
If I don't, y'all got a problem, right? [Laughter.]
So, your friend seems nice.
Okay, babe, Charlie isn't for everybody.
Charlie isn't for anybody.
Not only were we verbally accosted, he has no boundaries.
He showed us jpegs of his rectal polyps.
Which were benign.
Babe Showing empathy towards Charlie is a part of the struggle.
I'm tired of the struggle.
Look, babe, Charlie may have some idiosyncrasies, but if this is what it takes to get Junior a new black friend, so be it.
Okay, fine.
Dre! Dre! - Hmm? - Look what I found in your closet.
O.
G.
Air 1s! Huh?! Oh no.
Please take my shoes off.
And they feel like you ain't never wore these before.
- [Chuckles.]
- Please take my shoes off.
- And guess what.
- Please take my shoes off.
Just guess! And you're not wearing socks? And we wear the same size! Huh? Hey.
Eustace.
It's time to go.
Your dad is ready to go right now.
Come on.
[Snaps fingers.]
Immediately! Hang on, Dad.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough.
Ain't nobody got time for that! You ain't got no more black friends at my house! Let's go, Eustace! What were you gonna say? Just, we should coat the bridge with moss to slick it up.
That way, the orcs can't cross into Rivendell.
Junior: How did I not think of that? Give me some! Both: Yass, gaga, yass! [Both chuckle.]
Dre: And it was at that moment I realized that struggle comes in a lot of different forms.
Junior's was just different than mine.
But no matter what your fight, you still need your community.
It's the hard knock life for us And you need to let them know, "I see you, bruh.
" And for Junior, nerd is the new black.
Sorry, Orange.
There you go.
Scrunch, son.
Ooh.
Scrunch it.
All right hey, no, no, no, no, no.
Just do what comes natural.
Just lighten up a little bit.
You're not scared.
You're not scared.
Oh.
Here comes another one.
Lock and load, son.
Lock - Okay.
Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
Good form.
Good form, Junior.
Yeah! He's a natural! [Chuckles.]
Is it okay if I cuss? Sure.
Damn.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
That's exactly what I said when I met your mama.
Yeah, come to think of it, me too.
[Laughter.]