Black Mirror (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Liam Foxwell, welcome.
Thank you.
OK, little speech time.
I've mentioned this to everyone about their appraisals, and I just want you to know that this isn't a witch-hunt for the deadwood.
It is much more of a treasure hunt for the gold? Shit sinks.
But also, cream floats.
Yes, yes, I see that.
A new the area we're getting lots of play in and your office could be at the centre for is litigation in retrospective parenting cases.
Retrospective Bobby sues Mum and Dad for insufficient attention leading to lack of confidence, leading to damages against earnings.
Right, and we're OK, the firm's OK with that, ethically? And morally? Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah, right.
Are you? Totally, yeah.
Yes.
OK, Liam, look, so if we invite you to stay with the firm in the new environment, what we'd have you do is pull an exhaustive redo with personnel, maybe next week.
Oh, well, I was ready to do a big redo right now, but No, it's fine, next week's fine.
But I have to ask you this they're not going to hit anything to freak us out, are they? There's no major deletions this quarter? No, no, everything's well within parameters.
Great, OK, Liam, this has been really great.
Um Look, really hope to look forward to seeing you again.
OK, thank you.
Airport, please.
RECORDED VOICE: 'Live 'Full-spectrum memory.
'You can get a willow grain upgrade for less than the price 'of a daily cup of coffee, and three decades of backup for free.
'In-store ingrain procedure with local anaesthetic 'and you're good to go.
'Because memory is for living.
' VOICES AT HIGH SPEED OK, great, this has been really great, Liam, we really hope to look forward to seeing you again.
REWOUND VOICES we really hope to look forward to seeing you again.
Sorry! BLEEP Mr Foxwell.
Could you just rewind me your last 24 hours for me, please? Great, and back that up for me times 64 for the week.
That's great.
Enjoy your flight, Mr Foxwell.
I'm not being funny, right, but look at that.
Look at what? That! Frayed carpet, there, you see? Seriously? Yes, seriously! This is a five-star suite.
I pay good money to have perfect details.
Now I've got that shitty carpet for the rest of my life.
Only if you keep looking at it, mate.
Oh, thanks, Jonas! Fuck off.
All right, now, you thought the carpet was bad, have a look at this.
You've met Lucy, my wife, at the Dublin wedding? Oh, that's right, yes, hi, Liam.
Hi Hi again.
(Lucy, Dublin.
) Hello.
Lucy Liam, we met at the Dublin wedding.
Liam! Oh, great.
Liam, yes.
Come in.
Thank you.
- Great to see you again.
- Yeah, you too.
Where's Fi been hiding you? Oh, you know, in our house.
(LAUGHS) We didn't know well, she didn't know if you would make it.
It was over quicker than I thought.
Oh, sorry, hello.
Let's get you a drink.
Um, beer OK? Lovely, thank you.
Everyone's through there, so I'll be in in a minute, OK? OK, thank you.
Hi.
You're back early, then, I didn't think you'd make it.
Yeah, I didn't stay over and I caught an early flight back, so - Hi.
- Hello.
So, how was the appraisal? Well, they said they'd let me do a redo sometime next week, so Oh.
But good? Well - Later? - Later.
OK.
- How's Jody? - At home, Gina's babysitting.
Hey.
Jonas, this is - Liam - Jonas.
Dude, it's really nice to meet you.
- You all right? - Good, thank you.
- And you know Jeff? - Yes.
Yeah, you remember meeting Jeff, because he'd have shown you, I don't know, a redo of the side of his fridge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, piss off, Jonas.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Your wife's being very mean to me tonight.
Oh, well she's like that.
Yeah, tell me about it.
- You all right for a drink? - I'm fine, thank you, Jonas.
Lynn, come and meet Liam, he's, um A soon-to-be unemployed/unemployable lawyer.
(LAUGHS) And Jeff.
Jeff and Fi used to run the parties down the Fraser Road with Paul and me.
Mad old days.
Before we started up the Kings.
So, yeah So, Liam, what was it you had, an assessment? Appraisal.
How'd it go? Good.
Well, it was a disaster, but you know, I don't know.
- Hard to gauge? - Yeah Let's have a look.
Redo, we can appraise the appraisal.
Yeah, great.
Throw it up there and we can grade you.
- Come on.
- Um It could be fun, we could, um vote! - Paul? - Yeah? I work in recruitment, so it might be quite useful for you.
Right, OK.
Liam's redoing his appraisal so we can give him marks.
- Notes.
- Pointers, you know.
- I think Liam would probably - Yes, do you know what Guys, no, come on, seriously, that's not cool, I mean Liam's obviously uncomfortable, so let's just drop it, yeah? Have a cool time.
Time to eat! Oh, it's ready.
Thank you so much for inviting us this evening.
It's been too long, too long.
Fi.
I haven't met him before, have I? Jonas, is it? He's one of the old crowd.
I think I said.
- You OK? - Yeah, yeah.
- You know, if you're not in the mood, we can go.
- No, no, I'm fine.
Sure? QUIETLY TALKING AND LAUGHING Hey! Yeah! I brought enough for others to share.
Thank you.
I've, er, been cooking a lot since the break-up.
Jonas has had a tough one.
DOORBELL RINGS Was it bad? Er, yeah.
Yeah, erm, we were in the middle of planning is all and I suddenly realised that the less the relationship means the more you spend on the wedding, you know! (LAUGHS) You actually start obsessing over the tiniest little details, like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper because, I mean, God knows you need something to fucking talk about! So, everybody, this is Helen.
Helen, Jonas.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And everyone! (ALL) - Hi! - Help yourself.
Jonas was just explaining why relationships are a sham.
Are they? Shit! They're like going to the theatre, OK? You pay loads to go and ultimately you are wasting your entire night, so, when someone asks you, "Did you have a good time?", you both say, "Yeah! Yeah, it was great.
" The problem is the more that you pay and the longer it goes on, the more you're, "Oh, yeah, we loved it!", you know, "We love being together and never fucking anyone else" "and only just having one other person" "to share our real thoughts with for our entire lives, yeah, it's great!" Would you say you loved her, though? I just think we just really fancied each other and that was what it was.
You know what it's like early on.
You know, we were just, I don't know, we were just two tools in the tool shed that just fit together really fucking well.
I mean, still, by the end, I'd be like, "Go on, honey, you go up," "I'm just going to watch a little bit more of the news" and I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of, like, hot times in earlier relationships! Easy! I'm just saying, there's a beautiful woman upstairs, you know, waiting to have sex with me.
What, right now? (THEY LAUGH) She's upstairs, you know, waiting to have sex with me and I'm sat downstairs watching redos of, like, some hot times with some hot girl that I just picked up in some place and I'm fucking pulling myself off.
I mean, seriously? Oh, come on Come on, guys.
I mean, we all scroll through the Grain rifling through our greatest hits for a little bit of filth now and then, surely? Not me.
Helen doesn't have a Grain! - Oh, wow! - Wow! No shit! Was that a political thing? No, no, I was gouged about 12 months ago.
Jesus, was that painful? Total agony.
But on the plus of that, I don't remember it that clearly.
There's a scar on here.
Yeah, can I, er? Yeah, that feels quite nice.
Yeah, that feels quite nice.
(THEY CHUCKLE) Yeah, no brain damage, clearly! Well, my sight held on fine, so So, who took it then? Stolen to order, as far as they could tell, probably to some millionaire Chinese perve.
Really?! Yeah.
Is that for real? Yeah, and none of it was encrypted, so So, they saw the lot! The thing is, after I was gouged I didn't have one for a few days and then just kind of, liked it.
It's cool.
That's cool.
I mean, because more people are I mean, now, right? Like, going Grainless? I believe it's huge with hookers.
I mean, no offence! (THEY LAUGH) No, no, it's OK.
Sure, I Well, I'm pretty boring.
One man is a time.
Boo! Serial monogamist.
I'm a serial monogamist.
I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now! (LAUGHS) Well, I think it's an interesting choice, going Grainless.
It's a brave choice.
I'm sorry, but I I couldn't do it.
Uh-huh.
OK, I was going to play some redos from the Fraser O days.
(ALL) Yay! Stuff from last night, depressing and fun.
You know half the organic memories you have a junk, just not trustworthy.
Colleen works in Grain development.
With half the population you can implant false memories, just by asking leading questions in therapy.
You can make people remember getting lost in shopping malls they never visited, getting bothered by paedophile babysitters they never had.
I'm just happier now.
TAPE REWINDING 'OK, great, Liam, this has been, this has been really great, erm 'we really hope to look forward to seeing you again.
' He looks forward to seeing you again, that's good.
"Hopes" to look forward.
TAPE REWINDING 'We really hope to look forward to seeing you again.
' It's phoney.
Hang on.
Pause it.
Now backup.
Zoom in there.
Come on, that's a tick.
That could be a V or an L.
- It's a tick! - Or the start of the swastika.
It's probably the start of the swastika, they were such pricks! - Did you have fun with the old gang? - Yeah.
D'you speak to that Jonas much? No, no, not really.
He's a bit of a knob, ain't he? Bit of a dick? Jonas.
Pulling himself off to his own relationship theories.
Oh, it must be such a drag, Jonas, putting it about! And when he protected me from those arseholes, "Hey, come on, guys," "it's really not cool to redo another man's appraisals, dudes.
" Then why invite him over? I like him.
You wanted me to invite him.
I didn't say anything.
You were laughing at everything he said.
You invited him! It was obvious I didn't want him to come.
'Wow, it's only, it's early to call it a night.
' 'Do fancy a quick one down the pub?' 'Oh, we've got to get back, 'rescue Jodie from the paedophile babysitter! '(LAUGHS)' 'Yeah.
' 'But why don't you come back to ours, for a nightcap if you want?' See? It was obvious I didn't want him to come, I was being polite to a moron.
If you really don't want to come, you can get rid of him.
Hey, hey! Hey.
Well, actually, what time is it? It's midnight.
Shit, it's quite late, time's gone on.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, time does that.
15 minutes.
Yeah.
But we've got the babysitter inside, so So, is that new info? No, it's just that we, I mean, we thought, right, Fi? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, no, I get it.
No, it's just that, actually, it turns out we're tired and I guess we forgot, but now we've remembered, so Sorry.
No, it's fine, really.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's cool, no worries.
I've got a back-up plan, so Oh, cool, well, we vote the back-up.
Yeah, I will do.
Er, see you later, Fi.
It was good to meet you, man.
Yeah.
Nice one.
Brilliant.
Brilliant.
OK, cool.
Good to meet you, man.
Yeah.
Listen, Gina, it's a 40-minute wait for a cab, but if you want, I have the bed made up in my office.
Er OK, thanks, Fi.
Hey, there's just, you know, use anything.
There's T-shirts and Yeah, thanks, I'll show myself out.
All right, night.
Night, guys.
Night, Gina.
Thank you.
'Bye-bye.
'OK.
'Love you, love you.
' Was he a big part of the gang? Who? Jonas? I don't know, yeah? Let me guess, he'd spent his time oozing round the girls, offering backrubs.
Not really.
Circling for an orifice.
Was he always that oily or OK, look.
What? It's nothing, but You may have noticed a bit of an atmosphere because me and Jonas, years ago, had a bit of a thing.
You had a thing with oily dude man? It was just a little thing and I didn't even know you back then, so You slept with oily dude man? That's hilarious! We've all got our skeletons, how about you and Gemma? What, I told you about Gemma.
Gemma was a nutcase But you never mentioned Jonas.
I did, I told you I hooked up with someone in Marrakech.
Jonas is Mr Marrakesh?! It was a stupid thing I thought Mr Marrakech was some sort of super cool Not him.
It was years ago and Are you embarrassed by that? Cos it's embarrassing.
I'm sorry, but, Christ, are you not embarrassed? It was years ago.
But you dated him for a month? That's what I said.
Cos when you told me about Mr Marrakech, it was a week.
No, I didn't.
Pah! TAPE WINDING 'What about you?' I don't want to see our first time right now.
Shh, you're about to talk.
'I went away and had a little thing that did my head in for a while 'with this, sort of '.
.
this, sort of, headfuck that I met in Marrakech.
' 'Mr Marrakech?' '(LAUGHS) Yeah.
' 'I'm imagining a chillum and a big knob.
' '(LAUGHS) No, it was like dormouse.
' 'Big deal, big heart-breaker?' 'No, it was just a week.
'It was a weird week.
' So, a weird week or a month? The point is, it wasn't a big deal.
Well, it was big enough to do your head in.
Jonas, King Dormouse-Dick of Marrakech did your head in! That was a nice night, used to be.
You're getting obsessed.
I'm not.
We had all this with Dan, I don't want you going like that again.
He had little creepy beady eyes and he was always What? Acting like he was interested? And you know what, I think he probably did fancy me and actually he wasn't completely hideous, so in another life I don't know, but nothing happened! And Jonas he's an old fling.
So what? Don't go all fucked up! What, I'm fucked up, am I? No, I mean, just No, no, no, that's brilliant, sometimes you're a bitch.
I didn't mean that.
'You're a bitch!' I'd like you to erase that.
'You're a bitch!' Also, "sometimes".
You can't just edit off the word, "sometimes"! I'm sorry, Fi, I know I go a bit weird and wonky sometimes.
- I love you, you know? - I know.
WINDING TAPE '.
.
in a toolshed that just fit together really fucking well, 'but still by the end I'd be like, "Go, on, you go to bed, honey, '"I'm just going to catch a little bit more of the news," 'and then I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of hot times 'in earlier relationships.
'I've got a beautiful woman upstairs waiting to have sex with me.
'And I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of hot times 'in earlier relationships.
' 'Easy!' 'Lip read reconstruction enabled.
- 'Hey, it's good to see you.
- 'Good to see you, too.
'I was nervous when I heard you were going to be here.
'It's weird, isn't it?' - Morning.
- Gina, over here.
Come here a second.
I just want your opinion.
It's just a silly game.
Sit down.
Answer this.
I'm a serial monogamist.
I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.
LAUGHTER Now, is that funny? There's no need to be nice, the man's a prick.
Is that funny, in your opinion? Well I'm a serial monogamist.
I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.
LAUGHTER - No? - No - I don't know.
- You do.
Morning.
What's this? I'm just getting Gina's opinion on something.
I'm a serial monogamist.
I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.
LAUGHTER I was just wondering because you found it funny, but it isn't, and Gina agrees.
I don't really want to get involved.
Let me get you a cab.
My dad's on his way.
Just one other thing.
We both want him to come back, but who wants him to come back more? Off the top of your head, who wants him to come back more? OK, well, bye.
Yeah, bye.
Wow, it's early.
It's early to call it a night.
Fancy a quick one down the pub? Got to get back, rescue Jodie from the paedophile baby-sitter.
That's just a That's a joke.
Sorry.
Jonas, why don't you come back to ours for a nightcap, if you want? Yeah.
KNOCKING AT DOOR Now, ignore the joke.
Who's more keen for him to come back? I don't know.
You do know, Gina.
I'm so sorry, he's really hungover.
That's OK.
I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.
LAUGHTER That is just objectively not funny.
Anyone would say, "That's not funny.
" That was fucking embarrassing.
Whatever you're queuing up, stop it.
Sit down, please.
You see that? You know Geoff? Yeah, you remember me and Geoff, because he would have shown you a re-do of the side of his fridge, something like that.
- Spot the difference.
- You're drunk.
I'm the difference.
He's the greatest guy in the world and then I arrived and you clam.
For clarity.
We're just talking! But moments later, you're so stiff.
I don't know, a re-do You don't know how to stand around him.
Your gauges are all over the place, hot and cold.
This is just stupid! You can't hide it.
Not completely.
See how you look at him.
The less the relationship means, the more you spend on the wedding.
Really, you start obsessing about these tiny little details like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper.
Now, how you look at me.
I think it's an interesting choice, going grainless.
It's a brave choice.
I'm sorry, but Tell me you look at me nice like you look at him.
You can't.
And how am I looking at you now, Liam? How long did you go out with him for? Does it matter? FILM REWINDING You know, half the organic memories you have are junk.
Just not trustworthy.
When it comes to little things.
And big ones.
Is that Marrakesh? Does that look like Marrakesh? No.
It's not Marrakesh.
So, how long did you go out with him for? All right, about six months.
So not a week or a month.
Six months.
The ever-inflating romance.
You're probably still going out with him.
Why am I on trial here? What's been going on? Nothing has been going on.
It was Christ, you know how it is when you first get with someone and then previous boyfriends come up.
He was never a boyfriend, he was always a weird week.
I downplayed it.
I fudged it, it was You lied.
Not everything that isn't true is a lie, Liam.
Hello? So he was a bigger thing than I made out and, yeah, he's sort of a dick.
Sort of? He's a massive I liked him then.
And I don't like him, not like that, not now.
So, just to get this clear.
He fucks you, gets footage for his redo wank file, but you're still pally.
This is sad! - Cos if he was - This is just sad! He probably sits there and tosses himself off all over his cashmere blanket.
It was years ago! Not for him.
I'd find myself watching redos of really hot times early in relationships.
'Easy.
' Sober up.
Make yourself puke.
Whatever, I don't care.
Just sort this out.
Fuck.
I'd find myself watching redos of really hot times early in relationships.
Easy.
And I'm downstairs watching some redo of some night I've picked up somebody else and Yeah, nice, Geoff.
She's upstairs waiting to have sex with me and I'm downstairs watching some redo of some night I've picked up somebody else.
Easy.
And I'm fucking pulling myself off.
I'm just saying.
'Green warning.
'Grain assistant suggests you may not be in a suitable 'physical condition for the activity you appear to be engaged in.
'To override, continue at your own risk.
'All health and personal accident insurance is ' Thank you.
BUZZER - 'Who's that?' - It's Liam.
Liam from last night.
'Liam.
Is Fi with you?' She's not, no.
'Sorry, Liam, mate, is there something that you want?' Yeah, I just want to come in and talk to you.
Can you open the gate? (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, sure.
I'll let you in.
Nice one, nice one.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What do you want? I just want to come in for a bit, dude.
That looks expensive.
Is that expensive? Look, Liam, it's morning, mate.
Fucking hell.
Liam.
Jonas, this is a nice place! Hey.
Seriously, man, it's not cool you just walking in like this.
To be honest with you, it's a little bit weird.
Is that a Marrakeshian lamp? Liam, do I have to call Fi? Did you guys have a row or something like that? - Sit down.
- No, I'm all right.
Go on, sit down.
It's not a bear trap, it's a chair.
Do you want me to bounce this off your fucking head? (LAUGHS) I'm joking, Jonas.
Bloody hell, I thought you were supposed to be cool, man.
I thought you were meant to be fucking brilliant.
What's going on? Yeah, figures.
Get some good stuff for the scrapbook? I think you should go.
I don't blame you.
I would have.
Tell you what, let's have a look.
Go on, chuck it on the screen, don't be shy! Come on! I'm fucking joking again, Jonas! For goodness' sake, you need to grow a sense of humour.
- He's uptight, isn't he? - OK, Liam.
- It's a lovely room, this.
- Thank you.
Is this where you masturbate to images of my wife? - Or do you do it in that room? - OK, Liam, I want you to leave now.
Do you sometimes start in here and then finish in there? The world's pretty much your oyster, isn't it? I want you to leave.
Well, that's a pity.
- Come on, mate.
- All right, now, what are you doing? Don't do that.
Come on now! - What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Jesus! Get out! - Stand up, Jonas, come on! Hey.
What do you want? INDECIPHERABLE GIBBERISH Don't do that.
Come on, Danny! - 'What are you doing? - 'What are you doing? 'Jesus! Get out, you fucking prick.
'Tell you what ' Stop it! I tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to get every bit of Fion you've got in there and you're going to select it all and you're going to wipe it! Hello, police, I'm witnessing a serious assault at five 'Wipe it! 'Fuck off.
'I don't have a brain chip to show you.
' This is a bottle, right? Either you wipe it or I will fucking gouge you myself.
Jesus! OK.
Just do what he says.
Not on your eye, in there.
On there! He's doing it! Now, delete it all.
The lot! Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.
I'm doing it.
Stay away from my house! 'Now, delete it all.
The lot! 'Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.
'I'm doing it.
' Liam? Where did you go? What happened? Liam, what happened? Did you use a condom or not? Just say.
Liam, whatever you think Am I Jodie's father? - Liam! - Am I? Yes, of course.
- You sure about that? - Yes! That's nice.
I always liked that picture, didn't you? It's why I bought it for you.
I never liked it.
Thought it was pretentious shit.
'I'll tell you what you're going to do.
'You're going to get every bit of Fion ' ' Christ, what have you done? 'Select it all ' We're getting to the good bit.
'Hello, police, I'm witnessing a serious assault at ' 'Now, delete it all.
The lot! 'Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.
' 18 months ago in this room.
You know when you suspect something, it's always better when it turns out to be true.
It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.
That's not what it looks like.
Oh, this did Jonas come round to read you a story? No, it was A story about fucking? It was When all the Dan stuff was going on and you'd walked out.
For like ten minutes.
For five days, Liam.
No call, no nothing.
So you fucked him after four days? That's heroic.
I mean, three days, that's admirable, but four days? I mean, you must have been gagging.
I was so upset.
We went for a drink, I got drunk.
It shouldn't have happened.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, I can't say anything else.
I love you.
Did you use a condom? Yes.
Cos we didn't have any here.
We were trying.
He had some.
In his pocket? In his car.
Was it his decision, or did you make him wear one? I made him.
- And you saw him put it on? - Yes.
Show me, then.
Show me on there.
I need to see it, Fi.
I deleted it.
I wanted it to go away, I wiped the whole thing.
- Did you? - Yeah.
So there's just a blank gap in your timeline? Yeah.
Show me that, then.
Yeah, OK.
I have to find it.
No! No deleting it, not now.
No, no.
It's still on there, is it? I'm sorry.
You have to show it to me, Fi.
Why? Cos I want to see it.
I love you.
Show it to me.
No.
- Show it to me.
- No.
- Show it to me! - No! Show it to me! I want to see! I want to see what he looks like! This isn't me! Look what you're doing to me! Fi, I need to see it! Please.
I need to see it, Fi.
GIGGLING FROM TV SCREEN 'Hurry up.
'Sorry!' GROANS FROM SCREEN GROANS AND GIGGLING CONTINUE HEAVY BREATHING FROM SCREEN MOANING FROM SCREEN MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY I love you.
I know you do.
BABY'S TOYS TINKLE Oh! MOSAIC PLAYS A LULLABY Hello, stinky! Hey.
HER GIGGLING PLAYS OVER THE MEMORY DOOR CREAKS OPEN Brown or green? Green?