Blandings (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Now Clarence, I know it hurts your brain, but it is essential that you concentrate.
What are you going to do about this? Scarify in the autumn and spread liberally with top-quality muck.
I speak of Gertrude.
Oh.
Isn't that the wretched girl forever rearranging my books? She must be kept occupied.
To get her away from Bingham.
Is Bingham a particularly dreary place? Rupert Bingham is the man she wishes to marry.
The priest.
Oh, jolly good.
No, I mean dreadful, awful person, out of the question.
Connie, I've got no idea who these people are.
Gertrude is your niece.
Another one! Good heavens.
Bingham is a pauper.
What do you expect me to do? I expect you to dance, Clarence.
The girl needs taking out of herself.
Sir Gregory is giving a summer ball, next Saturday.
You shall dance with Gertrude, just once then pass her to some eligible gentlemen.
You may close your mouth now, Clarence.
Young girls love to dance.
I am not a young girl, Connie.
Oh, perpetually thinking of yourself.
Now, Herr Schnellhund is calling shortly.
Your dancing master.
I don't suppose you have them in Portugal, but this is a castle.
It was built by Norman the Conqueror.
The bloke who married Elizabeth, the Queen Virgin.
All a bit pointless, this, you don't understand a word I'm saying.
Hah! I usually hit that tree.
That's the spirit! Beach, please.
Isn't there enough sadness in the world without you cleawing your thwoat at people? Her ladyship wishes to see you, Miss Gertrude.
Well, I do not wish to see my aunt.
It is because of her I suffer the tewwible torments of Pwometheus.
Very well, Miss.
Guv'nor! How the hell are you? Riven with anxiety, Frederick.
Can we conclude this quickly? How much do you need? Dear old ghoul, I haven't come to sponge.
I wanted you to meet Miss Paquita Manganara.
From Portugal.
She doesn't speak a word of English.
How refreshing.
I met her at the Pink Pussy Club.
She was dancing in a little dress entirely composed of bananas.
Good heavens.
Exactly what I said.
Miss Paquita? Manganara.
Actually, Guv'nor, that's a bit of a moot point.
Technically, you're fondling the paw of The Honourable Mrs Paquita Threepwood.
Oh.
I seem to have married her.
Inadvertently.
Yes.
I think at some stage you should probably release her hand.
I thought I'd better pole on down with the child bride and explain her to the family.
Frederick.
The one thing you must absolutely not do is explain Miss Hangbanana to anyone, particularly your aunt.
Beach? The telephone, my lord, for Mr Threepwood.
It's a Mr Beefy for you, sir.
Speaking.
What? How did you manage to break a bath? No, no.
I'm on my way.
Friend of mine just landed up at The Goat and Feathers.
He's in a jam.
Shan't be a tick.
Keep my Portuguese wife amused, will you? Friend.
Portuguese friend.
Lord, help us now, thy servant.
Thank you.
Er, landlord? I trust that covers the damage to the bath? Thank you.
All I did was sit in the thing, I didn't chuck it about.
Was that entirely proper, Beefy? Calling on the Almighty to help you twist some bloke's arm off? Look at you, you need a nurse.
It's not a nurse I need.
It's Gertrude.
Your Aunt Constance has forbidden our marriage.
My aunt is famous for derailing the locomotive of young love.
But I love her, Freddie.
I love her! Gertrude, not your aunt.
So, Gertrude's banged up till she gets over you, because you won't do.
And you're here in order to be close to her.
That's the full extent of the plan, is it? Yes? Ah, have you ever met Aunt Connie? No! How about the Guv'nor? No! You see? Already we're on top of the sitch.
Sorry.
What you need to do, old wound, is bring the Guv'nor gaiety.
Be attentive, courteous.
He shall gather you unto his bosom, and my aunt shall not dare stand in his way.
Allow me to prepare the ground, nothing can go wrong.
Ah.
What's gone wrong? I don't appear to have any brakes.
Not to worry.
I have a spare set.
Foxgloves.
Gloves, for erm foxes.
Very small ones.
Guv'nor! Oh, thank God for that.
Sorry about that.
Hello, angel! Did you miss me savagely? Now Guv'nor, listen, I must bend your ear about Beefers.
What is Beefers? Friend of mine.
Miserable as hell cos he is denied the girl he loves, and all that sort of rot.
Can he come and stay for a bit? Very well, Frederick.
This fellow's name, Beefy, what did you say? Popjoy.
Popjoy? Absolutely.
Beefy Popjoy.
He'll be company for Gertrude, perk her up a bit.
Beefy Fopjoy! Dancing.
Portuguese persons.
Skirts of ruddy bananas.
I have been making impwovements to the distwibution of your books.
Now look here, my dear.
If you've hidden my Whiffle, I shall not be answerable.
Care Of The Pig is where you dwopped it.
In your study.
Ah.
Do you know why I do this? Weawwange things? It is called displacement activity.
Is it? I do it to stop myself lacewating my flesh and feeding my own bwoken body to your wetched pig.
Your tie is cwooked, Uncle Clawence.
I like it cwooked.
It must be glowious to be as old as you.
Such a short step to the silent wapture of the gwave.
What do you mean "a short step," my dear? My own dear father lived to be nearly 90 Don't.
Don't.
You make it sound so despewate and dweadful.
Her ladyship invites you, my lord, to meet a German person.
This is Herr Schnellhund.
You know how I feel about fellows with tufty little beards, Connie, they give me the heebie-jeebies.
Don't be absurd.
I can't trust him.
He could be anybody.
All yours, Herr Schnellhund.
Oh, no Ah, ah Dancing master, eh? I am so, Lord Emsvurt.
Before zis, I vurked in ein slaughterhouse.
And so I understand precisely how ze portions of ze body connect.
And so I demonstrate.
No, no no, no, no, no, no.
Ein zwei drei, zwei zwei drei, drei zwei drei.
Lead the lady.
Ha! Mark me, Beefy, the wheeze is afoot.
It is established that your name is Popjoy.
Popjoy? You're a very rich man, but your money's all tied up abroad.
Brazil.
Where the nuts come from.
Popjoy? Must dash.
Supposed to be showing my wife round the old dump.
Friend.
My friend.
Popjoy.
Yeah.
There's a Mr Popjoy here, your Lordship.
Popjoy.
You expecting any sort of Popjoy, Gertrude? I expect nothing but an eternity of gwinding, gwisly torment.
Must be for me then.
All right, wheel him in, Beach.
My dear, I beg you to be a little less funereal for Mr You must be Gertrude Armstrong.
Oh, I must.
My name is Popjoy.
You see? Oh, yes.
Lord Emsworth.
No, no, sir, please don't get up.
Let me come to you.
How do you do? He's called Fang, after one of my aunts.
Family joke.
Reverend.
Beach.
What do I say when I finally run into Aunt Constance? I'm here with a girl who shimmies round the Pussy in a girdle of soft fruit.
My aunt will be nonplussed.
If she finds out I've married the girl, and that's what I've done, her non will be plussed off the scale.
Things here are not as they seem.
What do I say? Do you intend to conduct your entire married life in secret? That's a plan.
Thank you, Beach.
Eh? This bruiser with the great warty conk? He's the second earl.
Hilariously, this is the picture that's actually worth something.
Oh, good God.
I mean, hello, Aunt! Allow me to present Paquita Manganara.
She is my friend.
Paquita Escevillege Jerecazavege Manganara, Princesa.
Delightful.
That is how the pluperfect is formed in the Aramaic of St Luke.
How incwedibly amusing.
I don't know that because I'm a priest.
Because I'm not.
I like your guest.
Poppers is a scream when he gets going on the old pluperfect.
Not Mr Popjoy.
Popjoy is an idiot.
I mean the Princess.
Oh, her.
Oh, good.
That's useful.
I didn't know she was a princess? Oh, God.
Pay her more attention, Freddie.
The Manganaras, I believe, are a very old family.
Oh.
She seems rather young.
Oh, God.
Oh, good Heavens! Lord Emsworth, I am so Oh, it doesn't matter! Does it, Uncle Clawence? Just a silly decanter.
It was tewwibly old.
Georgian.
Do go on, Mr Popjoy.
I don't know what was I saying? Mr Popjoy.
Your business concerns are in Brazil, I gather.
Where the nuts come from.
What language do you speak over there, for business? Not Portuguese.
Portuguese.
How convenient! We can now converse with Miss Manganara.
Oh, yes.
So let us establish what it is she requires from Beach.
What is occurring now? Mr Popjoy is about to speak Portuguese.
Good Lord.
As long as he doesn't stink up the air with German like that dismal creature Schweinhund.
Schnellhund! Please.
Senyorlaga.
Moy copinas al fresco bladdaronica la bamba-bamba de tinklebotski vavavoom.
Beach.
At home she has 20 chefs.
None could cook a chop like this.
Bravo! Porcaria total! Very kind.
See that she has everything she needs, Freddie, The Princesa is so agreeable.
Connie? Mr Popjoy seems to exert a pleasing fascination over Do you think he might care to accompany her to the ball? You cannot escape dancing by means of Popjoy.
He has all the natural grace of a hippopotamus.
The Princesa, however, has the hauteur of the continental aristocracy.
Extraordinary that she consents to be a friend of Freddie's.
As long as he doesn't make a lunge at her Beach, you're hovering.
I do apologise, your ladyship.
It is merely that we seem to be missing a number of spoons.
Shake down the tufty German, that's my advice.
Be surprised what falls out his pockets.
Sir, are you indisposed? Whoops! Sorry! Brazil must be so dull without you, Mr Popjoy.
Psst! Where's Beefy? Isn't he a bunny wabbit? I wish your father and Aunt Connie thought he was a bunny wabbit.
He's doing the right thing, and he's just got to do more of it.
I mustn't be seen talking like this.
My wife wouldn't like it.
My Friend.
Friend.
Ein, zwei, drei When I take my sugar to tea All the boys are jealous of me Cos I never take them What are you doing? Lord Emsworth.
I am concerned that you are foaming at the mouth.
I'm cleaning my teeth.
Well, allow me to be of assistance with that.
Evening my boy.
As you were.
I hope you have a peaceful night.
I have scissors, Freddie.
Because I never take them where the gang goes When I take my sugar to tea.
Do carry on! I'm off to consult the Empress.
Wupert.
My uncle is dewanged.
You must hasten to his wescue.
The worst thing is I have to dance in ruddy German! Ein, zwei, drei, zwei, zwei, drei.
Lord Emsworth! Allow me.
My dear fellow, I entreat you Lord Emsworth? Keep your distance, sir! My ankle, get off me! I'm so sorry, sir, was that your eye? Ah.
There you are.
Look, I rather wanted Beefy to translate this for me.
But I was wondering, as we are, as it were married, should I perhaps be slipping in for a bit? You know Ah.
Vetinary Sprain Elixir.
Does wonders for the Empress.
My ruddy foot's on fire! "Should the preparation come into contact with the skin, "douse at once with plenty of water.
" All right.
.
Your eyes are like golden planets glimpsed in the canopy of heaven.
I think that's uncle Clawence.
Good gwief.
Wun, Wupert.
Wun! He's dwowning! Lord Emsworth! I hear you, sir! I have a bearing on you! The most important thing is not to panic.
The great mistake of the drowning man is to panic.
You, no, no! Yes, I am with you now, sir! All is well.
Ow! Try not to struggle, Lord Emsworth! You have banged your head on my instrument.
I'm now going to put my arm around your chest.
If you resist me, sir, I must incapacitate you.
Forgive me, sir, but your life is at risk and I have had training.
There we go.
You're safe now, sir.
.
.
Unhand me, sir! Frederick? Guv'nor.
Yes.
Tricky to explain.
Unusual evening.
Aunt Connie was advising me to marry my wife.
Then it all.
.
Got rather out of hand.
My evening also was eventful.
Your friend Popjoy is one of the most appalling young men I ever met.
His name's not Popjoy, it's Bingham.
The improvement is neglible.
He's the bird whose marriage to Gertrude you have forbidden.
And he's tried really hard.
All you had to do was slip him a vicarage with a bit of an income.
Why should he wish to be slipped a vicarage? Because he's a parson, obviously.
Mr Beefers is a priest? Oh, God help us.
Ah, Beach.
A review of The Empress.
Straight away, my lord? If not sooner.
So, will you give Beefy a job? I will not.
I see.
Very well.
Will you condescend instead to help your only son in his hour of need? You have an elder brother.
You quibble.
Come on, Guv'nor.
Do something.
When Aunt C finds out I've been hitched all along, and never had a knees-up to which she could wear a hat, she'll saw open my cranium and feast on my brains.
A meagre luncheon it will be.
Good morning to you, sir.
Popjoy.
Would you please translate? Princesa Paquita.
As you are aware, my nephew is a very charming, literate, and intensely intelligent young man.
Say it.
Princesa, la goono com pompadiddy vala distra mwa mwa brainioroony.
He is of noble birth.
E nobbly narto-tarto.
He is eligible.
E ligalabalo.
Ligalabolo? Muito interessante.
Really, how very charming, very charming.
Very charming! Ach, mein Gott, Komm schon.
Rum business altogether, Guv'nor.
Your only son, apart from the other one, spurned.
A blameless vicar ruined.
And did you think to cancel Herr Beardhound's lesson? No.
The poor twerp's standing in the hall with nothing to do.
He could have a shave.
Alas for Aunt Constance! She's lost her equilibrium, her crystal and her Frederick, get Beach to bring me Mr Pingjoy? Beefhat? Bingham? Him as well.
Bring 'em all! Hello.
Herr Schnellhund! The 2nd Earl Ah, good fellow.
I can't survive much more of your attention.
I'm given to believe you seek a country living with a tolerable salary.
Is that correct? Good.
Well, I do happen to have a church, that needs a parson.
In Hampshire.
That is quite far away, Hampshire, isn't it? Sufficiently, my lord.
Does that interest you, Mr Bingpox? Lord Emsworth No, my dear fellow Please don't approach me! I beg of you.
Darling, darling.
Steady.
Mr Bingham salutes the approach of Miss Gertrude, my lord.
Ah, right you are.
Call the police! Oh, Clarence, I have been such a fool.
You were right.
Was I? What about? That frightful little German with the preposterous beard.
What, that one? Yes.
That one.
What have you been up to, you odious little fraud? I have been smoking ein cigarette vile I attend Lord Emsvurt.
You liar! But it is so.
And that nasty little beard? Is that so? I think not.
Impostor! Where is the second earl? Is he in these ridiculous little trousers? Shall we look? This is all most unusual.
Your name's not Schnellhund.
Nobody in real life is called Schnellhund.
You're Bingham! Um, no.
I'm Bingham.
As it were.
I am going.
I am going So that's all sorted then.
I put it to Herr Smelly-Hun that he wouldn't want it going about that he's the kind of man who allows hysterical women to go yanking his beard, and he very sportingly settled for 50 quid.
I said you'd send a cheque.
Now.
Here's the really funny thing about all this, Aunt Connie.
You've been banging on at me to marry the Princesa - look, here she is, and guess what? I already have! Ha! How's that for a Chinaman on a springy wicket? Bingham.
Oh, Lord.
Ask the princess if she can confirm this extraordinary suggestion? Slinkibiffydoo.
Crancrinkum-crankum agumbo? .
.
OW! Strewth, mind my bleedin' foot, you clumsy great lump! She speaks English rather well.
Crying out loud, you're all mad.
My sweet, you speak of family.
We're not family, you soft-chinned twit.
You got plastered in the club and turned up at my flat with a feather in your Yes, I remember that.
And you were all kissy-kissy and spouting bloomin' poetry at me and I thought I'd have a little laugh.
Tell you we was hitched.
Well, ha bloomin' ha.
How do you like your continental la-di-da now, Mrs Muck? Save your breath, Bonzo, I'm off.
Oh, nuts.
From Brazil, madam.
Sorry! In English, you see, it might have gone something like this.
One, two three, one two three Ouch!