Bless the Harts (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Can't ever remember how many clicks through fuzz it takes to get to the channel.
- I want to say eight clicks.
- It's eight.
Mother, if you're gonna keep sitting out there, - don't chime in.
- Wayne, can you get me some more wine? - Sure thing, Betty.
- Wayne, do not get her that wine.
You do not work for her.
Mother, if you want some wine, - you can come in and get it.
- I will not come in.
- I just got settled out here under the lanai.
- Mother! What? I can't hear you 'cause I'm outside.
Just gonna set it here like a like a pie cooling.
- Don't you hand her that wine.
- Damn you to hell, girl.
Hi, Maykay Bueller here.
I am supposed to be on vocal rest, but my station in life is to serve Greenpoint.
There is some brewing controversy revolving around the Morris Culpepper statue.
Some people are asking, "Does it glorify tobacco, or is it part of our heritage?" Other people are asking, "Should it stay, or should it go?" Smoking causes cancer! Remove that statue, ban it, sir! Statue stays! That statue needs to come down,like, yesterday.
Jenny, a lot of people have strong feelings about that statue.
They think it's part of our history, like the Wright Brothers or Fantasia Barrino.
Maybe so, but smoking is not something we should be celebrating, statue or otherwise.
I'm just saying, people get awfully riled up about these things.
Maybe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Wayne's right, y'all.
We should let that statue alone.
Damn it to hellfire! You guys, I've been reading up on Morris Culpepper.
He was insane in all the funnest ways.
He clearly went crazy with all his tobacco money.
He invented a knife for babies.
- Stop.
- He founded a sperm bank - with only his sperm.
- Girl.
He had his hip replaced with Liza Minelli's old hip.
- Love! - Whoa.
He even tried to start a Smoking Olympics.
And the footnote says 19 people almost drowned, but then later died of cancer.
Wait.
What? It says here Morris Culpepper dated Miss Teen Tobacco Leaf, Betty June Bryant? - Mother? - Betty? Yes, it is true, y'all.
Morris and I had a brief dalliance.
The year was 1983, and a 17-year-old beauty queen was discovered by one Morris Culpepper.
Hello.
I'm Morris.
We had a whirlwind romance.
Fast cars, romantic evenings.
He even took me on a factory tour.
I was gonna Anna-Nicole-Smith him and lovingly inherit his millions, - but then things took a tragic turn.
- Oh, no.
- He died? - I wish.
No, the tragedy was when I realized I was gonna have to be with him in the biblical way, and I just couldn't do it.
It's my tragic flaw.
I just cannot do it with a rich older guy for the money! In the end, a younger woman swooped in and did what I could not.
Marjune Gamble.
She swooped in the second I dumped him.
And when Morris finally died at age 105 then weirdly came back to life four days later then finally, finally died at the age of 118, Marjune inherited everything he owned.
That bitch.
Is she still alive? Because if so, she is dead to me.
No one's seen her in years.
She's a recluse.
Y'all, I should've been that rich recluse! Well, that was not as dramatic as I had hoped.
We have got to find Marjune Culpepper.
Can you smell it? A major Grey Gardens situation.
- What's a Grey Gardens? - It's a documentary about a crazy old lady and her unmarried daughter living in squalor.
- I think I'm good.
- Yeah, I think I can skip that one.
So what do y'all think about all this Culpepper statue business? I haven't seen this much hubbub since they put up that gender-neutral gazebo.
Oh, Lord, I know.
It's a mess out there! As far as I'm concerned, they can melt that statue down and use it to fix the guardrail on Culpepper Slims Boulevard.
is what I heard one stupid lady say.
As I threw her out on her tobacco-hating rear end! - You did not! - That's my girl! Welcome to the right side of history.
Woo-hoo.
- Ugh.
I feel gross.
- Aw, Jenny.
What happened? I lied to a customer and said I was pro-statue and pro-tobacco in order to land a tip.
I mean, look, I hate that statue - and everything it stands for.
- I know.
Me, too! Smoking took three of my four great-uncles.
But I learned a long time ago, when it comes to important issues, never take a side.
But take a look at what happens when you agree with people.
Oh, my Lord, Jenny.
Are you kidding me right now? Look at all those Washingtons.
- Taking a side really pays well.
- Yeah, but it feels awful.
Well, don't be too hard on yourself.
You are keeping the peace.
Yeah.
Guess you could say I'm kind of a paid ambassador.
But, you know, you don't think maybe I should just give all this money to charity? Yeah but look around.
If we were to give that money to charity, they'd probably just turn around and give it right back to us.
That's true.
We would just be eliminating the middleman.
And we could really fix things up around here.
And all this cashola sure would look good in Violet's art school fund.
Oh, my God, there's a Lincoln in here! If taking a side pays this well, taking both sides would pay double well.
Hmm.
Welcome to The Last Supper.
Would you like to sit in the pro-statue or anti-statue section? History? That statue wasn't put up till 2002! I've got bras that are more historical than that.
First they knock down our statues.
Wh-Where does it end? Pretty soon they won't let cartoon characters smoke on TV.
Ain't that the truth.
I got bills to pay and my home's a rental Dealing with a problem that's monumental Got to knead both sides if you want to make some bread So take your opinions and stuff 'em down Print bumper stickers to sell in town Why take a stand when you can take the cash instead? Working 4:00 to 10:00 Turning both sides against the middle Working 4:00 to 10:00 Who cares if it's hypocritical Working 4:00 to 10:00 Late shift never felt so shifty Working 4:00 to 10:00 But the cash is sort of nifty! 61, 62 - It's just so great.
- What? Just how you're totally compromising your moral integrity and saying a bunch of stuff you don't believe - just to make money.
- Oh, here we go.
Seriously, I'm jealous! I really am! But then I think, what would Ido? And the answer is, "Ooh, boy.
" Not that.
Okay, y-you don't have to be smart about it.
Doing the right thing sometimes hurts.
Hurts so good.
Just like the John Cougar Mellencamp song.
- I love that song.
- I know you do, and you should.
The Cougs was really onto something.
Taking the easy way out isn't always the best thing to do.
Stop.
I already feel guilty enough.
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.
Go nuts! But it is a little weird that you bought those 600 thread count sheets and still can't sleep at night.
Wonder what that's about.
- Okay, Jesus.
I get it.
- Do you? So back to the sheets.
What do those suckers feel like? Because this 20 count.
It used to hold grain.
Tell me, y'all, is there a Mrs.
Senator? Gram? Don't sneak up on your grandmother when she's thinking about what could have been! Well, we were hoping for a less emotionally-charged moment to tell you this, but We found Marjune's address, and we need you to take us there.
Hell, no.
Why would I want to go and meet the woman - who got everything I didn't? - Because we told you, Gram! It's gonna be a Grey Gardens situation.
Guaranteed sadness.
It'll be cathartic for you.
Marjune Culpepper is a recluse.
A sad, widowed recluse.
I prepared a presentation of the spinster-esque horrors you can expect to see.
Like a single, unworn baby shoe with a centipede crawling out of it.
Marjune serving high tea to a family of world-weary raccoons.
Followed by a mid-afternoon widow's nap where she spoons the fully-intact skeleton of her dead handyman.
And that's just the tip of the creep-berg.
Maybe it would be kind of nice to see the lonely hole that gold digger dug herself into.
- Yes! - Yay! But hand to God, if she's not eating tuna salad off a Frisbee plate and wearing tissue-box shoes, there is gonna be hell to pay, y'all.
Yeah, I don't even see what the big deal's all about! Good evening, everyone.
Settle down.
Please.
Settle down.
Thank you all for coming tonight.
I called this emergency meeting so we could have a safe place to try to work through this statue problem.
Look at me! I'm the statue, babies! - Get out of here, Randy.
- No, Randy.
No, please.
Not tonight.
But it's a carnival atmosphere, babies.
- Randy! - Get out of here, Randy! Randy, you cannot do fire blowing in here.
I'm begging you.
Please, sit down.
Now, I feel confident that we are gonna be able to solve this statue issue peacefully tonight.
- That statue needs to stay the hell up.
- Yeah! If it were up to me, I'd put more cigarettes on that thing.
As an exotic dancer, I inhale second-hand smoke all damn day.
Even when I'm on break! - Yeah! - And I hate it.
I think the statue should stay up.
Thank you.
What? Really? You got a hole in your throat.
Oh, boy.
Sounds like we're pretty evenly divided.
How are we gonna settle this? H-Hold on! Our waitress at The Last Supper just made some great points about the statue.
We should let her talk.
Oh, you mean Jenny? Oh, yeah.
She has a real solid moral stance on that statue.
So refreshing.
Yeah.
Jenny Hart will settle this stalemate.
Yeah, Jenny would never let sleeping dogs lie.
No.
Lord, Jenny, no.
Remember the tips.
Jenny! Jenny! Jenny! Jenny! Okay.
That statue.
Right? I mean, it's, it's so, like, it's-it's there.
You know what I mean.
Whenever you're in town in the back of your minds you're just thinking, "That statue.
It's there.
It's still there.
" - Yeah.
- And I'm madglad.
That statue is the whole reason I'm here, and why I'm so sad-cited for all the wrong reasons to say that it should be noted that in regards to the statue there are very strong opinions on both sides.
- Too vague! - Be specific! You got my head spinning! Well, we've all heard a lot of, uh, specific people say, uh, a lot of specific things, but the time for talking is over.
People, it is time for action question mark? She's right! It's time for action exclamation point! - Aw, sit down, you hayseed.
- I'm sick of speeches.
They wanna destroy something important to us, therefore, we should destroy our hometown.
What? Yeah, babies! Wait! No! Please, no.
I feel so bad.
What a disaster.
Well, isn't this a stinky pickle.
What a silly old mess.
Doo-do-do-doo.
So then, uh, what's the play here? Finish the job, burn the place down, - split the insurance money? - No.
Brenda, you're so silly.
The restaurant's closed until further notice.
Start scrubbing, y'all.
Doo-do-do-doo.
Oh, no, please.
- Please not the sarcastic clap.
- What? I'm just a slow clapper.
2,000 years ago, this is the speed we clapped.
But if you're feeling guilty, that's your own conscience.
You know what? No.
I am not gonna feel guilty about this anymore.
I am not the problem.
You know what? This stupid town is the problem.
You don't think that maybe, you kind of maybe reaped some things that you kind of maybe sort of sowed? - Enjoy cleaning the toilets.
- I will enjoy cleaning these toilets.
Those toilets are gonna be clean, just like my conscience.
- Great.
- Good, then.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- Oh, and Jenny - What? Don't forget I love you.
- She lives in a condo now? - She gets to live in a condo? Oh, God.
This is gonna be some boring-ass bullcrap.
I'm starting to get angry, 'cause two little birdies told me this was gonna be sad.
Relax, Gram.
Calm down.
I-I promise you, she's gonna be a nightmare portrait of walking dread.
- Oh, hello, Betty.
- Or not.
I'm definitely getting the Great Barrier Beef, but I can't decide if I should start with a Boomarang-A-Dilla or an order of Steve Irwings.
I don't feel like treating myself.
I earned half that money by basically saying I love cigarettes and cancer.
So half an order of Steve Irwings? G'day, mates.
Here's y'all's BeeGee breadsticks with some midnight oil for dipping.
Wayne, I'm afraid I'm just not gonna be able to enjoy an authentic Australian feast.
I know.
What's the point of having all this extra money if we're not happy with ourselves? I think I speak for the restaurant when I say, That's not a life.
- This is a life.
- Now what can I get y'all? Nothing.
I think we're just leaving.
Crikey.
Grab that bread, baby.
On it.
Wow, Marjune.
This is really beautiful.
Some would say not sad in the least.
Thank you.
Morris bought me this.
He wanted me to have a place of my own.
Please, won't you have a seat? Oh, no.
I'm starting to think this is just a regular rich lady place.
I'm horrified.
Where are all the Victorian dolls - with cracked faces? - Ugh.
And what is that smell? Oh, it's my eucalyptus soy wax candle by Joanna Gaines.
This is not Grey Gardens.
This is so basic "B" normal.
It's like we bought tickets to The Conjuring but ended up in Crate and Barrel: The Movie.
She also designed this distressed "Caliente" sign above my oven.
Betty, your granddaughters have very creative minds.
Oh, I think they were expecting you to be a weird, sad shut-in, but as I tried to tell them, you are clearly a woman who is living her best life.
But no one ever sees you, so technically, you are a recluse.
Oh, no.
Not at all.
Thanks to my inheritance, I travel 48 weeks a year.
Athens, Belin, Rome all the towns in Georgia that sound foreign.
My goal is to dance on a table with a stranger at least once a week.
You know, like that throw pillow says.
What a mess.
This stops now.
Wayne, pull over.
Everybody listen up.
Jenny, what are you doing? Do you remember what happened last time you made a speech? Hush.
This is the speech I should have made a long time ago.
And by that I mean yesterday.
Citizens of Greenpoint! I made a mistake before.
I-I wasn't honest, and and it caused a riot; I'm sorry.
So now I'm gonna speak from my heart.
I am a proud, lifelong citizen of Greenpoint, and I have walked by this statue a million times, but until recently, I-I never thought about what it meant.
This town may have started as Morris Culpepper's personal ashtray, but now it is time to open a window, spray some air freshener, people, and tear this statue down! What do you say? Who's with me? - Boo! - Your speech didn't convince us! Now you're too specific! Okay, you're right.
That didn't work.
Drive! What was I thinking? Trying to make this town a better place? It's just pointless.
I should have kept my big trap shut.
Take me with you, babies! It's too much of a carnival atmosphere.
Marjune, I got to hand it to you, taking care of Morris in his moldy years really paid off for you.
Actually, they were the best years of my life.
Morris has been gone 20 years now, but sometimes I still think when I look out that window I'm gonna see him coming home.
Rolling up on his Rascal scooter, followed by his team of no fewer than six male nurses.
People complain about second-hand smoke, but I'd do anything for a lungful of Mo-Mo's fumes right now.
Betty, I know it looks like my life is perfect, but I have a confession: I do get lonely sometimes.
Oh, Lord, I do, too.
Ever since Ed died.
It would be nice to have some company for a meal, or one of my vacations.
We are connected through Morris.
Why, I can see why he was so taken with you.
Oh, well, now Uh, let me think.
We could make each other very happy.
Well, I think we could have a very satisfying arrangement.
Welp, once again, I couldn't trade cheap sexual favors for material gain.
- Okay.
- Now, with Ed, your granddad, it was different.
Ooh, when he walked in the room and gave me that look It was like, bam! Yep, the jets in my girl jacuzzi really kicked into high gear.
Ew.
I'm putting my earbuds in.
This is the worst day of my life.
The statue, it's gone.
Looks like we need a new statue - a robot statue.
- Dammit, Randy.
No.
Oh.
Ow! Ah.
Thank God there's a little bit of peace in the valley.
I do feel bad for Randy, though.
Yeah, but it's kind of for the best.
Everyone's hatred for Randy brought the town back together.
There's a GoFundMe page for his medical bills.
- Oh, we should give to that.
- I did not give.
But I said I did on Facebook.
- Y'all, can they track that? - Mother.
Hey, I already did my good deed for the year.
- Right, Wayne? - You know it.
Welcome home, Mo-Mo.