Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [ Eerie music plays .]
Woman: Okay, mark.
My name is Trent Richards.
Join me as I explore Caleb Faustini's meteoric rise to super stardom, and his unexplainable fall from grace.
How was that? Man: Crushed it, Trent.
It's what I do, bro.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Give it up, give it up for Caleb! Girl, I have been lovin' you Longer than there have been mountains As loves go, this is like the top of Everest And so, I got to gear up 'Cause I'll be climbing clear up to the crest Of the mountain I dress just like them My love is solid It's not hollow So, get off your molehill And get onto my Kilimanjaro I don't make music.
I make moments.
So, it's, like, everything, right it's music.
It's, like, the visual.
It's, like, the fashion.
It's, like, the whole personality.
Memes.
It's all me.
Your summit is so hot Let's put the Mount in Rushmore Just got to remove your top So I can mine for precious ore Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yo, to the fans who've been with me since day one, I owe everything to you.
I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Mwah! This is for all the haters.
Woman: I love you! I love you, too.
Shut up, though.
Mountain I got to scale it Mountain Got a shot to impale it You're a mountain I'm gonna be mountin' [ Cheers and applause .]
Yo, don't listen to the haters.
You could be anything you want, as long as you dream big and believe in yourself.
I love you all.
But, yo, praise God.
[ Cheers and applause .]
- Caleb Faustini - In custody - Tweens inconsolable.
- Where is Caleb? Alice Faustini? Yes.
Hi.
Can I just ask you a few questions about Caleb? No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
You have to go.
It would only take five minutes.
Those are beautiful.
No.
No.
No, they're not, and, no, you may not ask me any questions about my son.
You need to get off my lawn now, okay? We're doing a documentary, and I think there's a responsibility that he has I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
You need to get off my lawn, okay? to his fans, and I think Okay, you know what? I'm telling you to leave, and you're not leaving.
Alice, literally three minutes? I don't feel like you're hearing me right now.
Okay? Two minutes.
Not the camera, Alice! No! No! No! Alice, no, no! Get off my lawn! I just want to say I'm a big fan.
First of all, you should be, and you're welcome.
What's your relationship to Caleb Faustini? I don't have no relationship with Caleb.
You produced all of his hit records, Treece, and you're telling me that you're not friends You have no relationship at all to Caleb Faustini? That's what I said, isn't it? Was there a falling-out? Man, you told me, if I did this interview, we could talk about my waffle iron, Treece's Magic Waffle Genie, okay? We ain't talk about that yet.
You act like you're not impressed.
You act like you're not walking around here, eating 7-minute waffles.
I'm in the future.
Where is he, Treece? If you'd let me talk about it Caleb Faustini.
Well, these are available in stores everywhere is where these are.
I'm concerned.
About what? About your safety? You should be right now.
I'm about to hit you in the head with this Waffle Genie.
That would not behoove you.
Behoove me? He said "behoove.
" Well, you're about to get behooved upside your head.
I want to know where Caleb is.
Is he raising his Hey, man.
I don't like your tone right now, man.
You're in my house.
It's just my inside tone, Treece.
Listen, man, lock the doors.
Don't do that.
Oh, too late.
Oh, it's too Ooh-ooh! I'm feeling a little threatened.
You should.
That is what I'm doing I'm threatening you right now.
I'm out.
Leave.
I feel like none of that's usable, you know? I feel like I look like a dick.
Did I look like a dick? Hey, excuse me.
White boy.
Hey, man, you came a long way, brah.
I got something for you.
Here's some of the information right here.
He knows exactly what happened to Caleb.
Thank you for taking the time to meet with us today, Satan.
Oh, yeah, no.
This is fun.
This is fun.
I never knew how they How they make these things.
Is that what you prefer we call you? Satan? Uh, Satan, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, that's my name.
You really believe you're the devil.
Oh, no, no.
I am I am the devil.
Yeah.
I'm the devil.
Here, I'll show you.
[ Clears throat, grunts .]
I keep everything in here.
[ Zipper opens .]
That's not it.
That's not it.
Give me a second.
Ah! Found Oh, no.
That's my froYo card.
I will find it, if it kills me.
Or you.
Ah! Here it is.
[ Clears throat .]
[ Card sliding .]
Satan.
[ Laughs .]
Yeah, it's fun.
No, you still don't believe me, huh? [ Scoffs .]
[ Roars .]
[ Screaming, gagging .]
[ Demonic sound effects .]
Aah! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I get into one of my moods and I'm sorry.
You want some water? Hey, Karen? Karen, can we get some water in here? Ice? No ice? No ice.
No ice this time, Karen! - Hey.
- Hi.
- May I help you? - Yes.
I'm actually looking for an individual I believe that might work here.
Oh, hey.
What's up, girl? Woman: Steve.
You already know what time it is.
I'm here to get that junk.
Caleb.
Yeah.
Caleb Faustini.
No, no, no, no, dude.
Caleb, I just need five minutes of your time.
Nah, dude, you got it twisted, man.
I'm Steve, all right? Caleb there is no denying that this is you.
Yo, that don't even look like me.
Oh, my God! Check it out! This dude is Caleb Faustini! Yeah.
Girl, I just been lovin' you Longer than there have been mountains Yeah, that ain't even the words, though.
You're the mountain I'ma be mountin' Girl, I have been loving you longer than the On the top of mountains What is going on here? Ooh, baby You got deliveries to make? Go do your job.
[ Mumbling lyrics .]
Yeah, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
And we can address that in the interview.
Who is that, even? That's what I'd love to know.
I would love to talk to you.
I'm Steve! You know who that is, right? Yeah, he's the best janitor I've ever had.
What? I know you're all feeling a lot of hostility.
I'm so glad you all agreed to be here and do this.
This is Carol.
He's a professional family mediator and counselor.
He is gonna work us through this.
Okay, um, who would like to begin? [ Whistling inhale .]
[ Loud puff .]
Caleb.
Okay! God! I just feel like Satan let me down.
Oh, I let you down? Yeah, dude.
Okay, well You're a sheisty-ass back-stabber.
Carol: That's a great start, but let's, uh, let's slow it down here for a second.
Let us try this Not calling names, but rather frame our feelings in statements.
For example, when Satan does blank, it makes me feel blank.
When Satan does blank, it makes me feel blank.
- Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? - What? What? No.
I said exactly what you said.
[ Scoffs .]
How did you meet Satan? I can field the question.
Field or feel? It sounded like he said field.
- Field.
- Has he always What was Caleb like as a child? He was selfish, arrogant, lazy Oh, here we go an ingrate, illiterate.
Do you want me to go on? Yeah, I do, actually.
'Cause I could do this all day.
Don't listen to Mamadukes.
Okay? Mamadukes has what we call a hormonal imbalance.
I do not.
She's cray-cray.
Oh, okay.
Well, "cray-cray" isn't a word.
Okay, you know what? I'm not cray-cray.
I hate that word.
I don't li It's not even a word.
Lots of people make up words on the street.
It's called a poor-man-do.
Your problem is, he's always wanted to be famous.
And, also, you're mean.
[ Scoffs .]
Yeah, man.
I got to be hard.
I came up in these streets, son! You did not.
We're from Vermont.
Yeah, Burlington! Represent! B-Town, the Queen City.
Big V, baby.
What, you got something to say about Vermont? 'Cause I could introduce you to Ben and Jerry, bitch! When did you first meet Satan? I went to my room, and I summoned him.
How did you know how to do that, Caleb? You know, I think that might have been my fault.
Um, I had a Satanic Bible laying around.
You know, it was my turn to pick the book for book club, and I thought, "You know what? I'm gonna mix it up.
" I mean, that, of course, is like LaVeyan Satanism, which doesn't assume the existence of a Satanic deity, but, luckily, there were also some grimoires and stuff, more like Left Hand Path Satanism, so I was able to seek out the ancient names of the unholy ones and make a hallowed verse to call his black name.
See? You can be really smart when you put your mind to it.
My name is Caleb.
This is "Itsy Bitsy Spider.
" The itsy bitsy spider Satan: It's harder than you think finding innocent souls.
Caleb seemed perfect, so I offered him a contract right on the spot.
What kind of contract did you guys have? For his soul.
You know, it was a boilerplate contract from me.
He wanted to be hugely rich and famous.
Okay.
Give me your finger.
This is just gonna be a little bit of an ouchie.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Uh, the deal would go till he was 30, and, then, after that, his soul would be mine and he would be damned to Hell for eternity.
And we have a deal.
Oh! It was so lit.
Itsy bitsy Itsy bitsy spider Caleb: Immediately, my skills got streets ahead.
I became a worldwide phenomenon.
Baby Boo, when you left, I went boo-hoo I thought our love was forever But you left for someone better I said Baby Boo Oh, when you left, I went boo-hoo Oh Alice and I engaged in what I think both of us agreed would be a very casual relationship.
It wasn't a relationship It was a One night.
Did I do something wrong? No, it was fine.
It was a lovely night.
I had a great time.
Oh, it was fine.
I had a great time.
You hear her? It was fine.
Damn, Baby Boo, you got me sick like the flu You came between me and my crew Poisoned me just like a brew You know I thought our love was true But what'd you have to go and do? You had to go and fall in love with somebody new Everybody thinks it's gonna be forked or something.
I didn't think it was gonna be forked I did think maybe it would last longer.
[ Rim shot.]
I'm sorry.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, I thought this was gonna be a safe space.
Is this not gonna be a safe space? We'll move on from that, I guess.
Baby, Baby Boo, Boo Baby, Baby Boo, Boo Baby, Baby, Baby Boo, Boo, Boo Baby Boo Baby, Baby Boo Baby Boo Baby, Baby Boo Baby, Baby Boo Then came the albums.
You know, first, there was "Dreamzz.
" Trent: Mm-hmm.
Then there was "Dope.
" Mm-hmm.
Then there was "Doper than Dope.
" "Dope-a-mean.
" No, no, no.
No, brah.
"Dope," "Doper than Dope," "Dopest," "D0P3," but the "o" is a zero, and the "e" is a 3.
"Dope-a-mean.
" Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
It was "Dope-a-mean," then then How y'all gonna forget about "Dope As I Wanna Be"? Oh, yeah, "Dope As I Wanna Be.
" - Come on, man.
Don't act like I don't make hits.
Hey, don't forget about the workout DVD, though.
Oh, my God! What was that called? "Dope Sweat.
" You know you can be anything that you dream, but, look, there's two parts to every dream The believe and the achieve.
I'm gonna help you achieve right now, okay, to break out of that dumbass body of yours.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Sneaky Snake.
Sneaky Snake.
It was the number-one instructional heart-pumping hip-hop abs and cardio DVD ever.
I didn't know you could make money off workout videos, but, shoot, this thing sold better than the albums.
Most people don't know the crunch is mostly in the butt.
Yeah.
Okay, baby twerk.
Here we go.
Put your free hand on that shelf.
I was a superstar.
Well, I helped.
I know you did.
Okay.
So, why did you always thank God at the awards shows? I don't know.
It's what everybody else did.
Praise God! I got to give thanks to the OG OG, God.
Praise God.
Man, that's disrespectful as hell.
- Very disrespectful.
- What happened next? Caleb: I got off the stage in Fresno, and I was super pumped.
I got stopped by Treece, and he tells me to go say hi to this little messed-up girl named Ava.
Come on, man.
Just take a picture real quick.
Why don't you do it? Who'd want to take a picture with me? Come on, baby.
You got this.
Let's go.
Caleb, thank you so much for doing this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Caleb, Ava.
Ava, Caleb.
Hey, what's up? What's your name? Ava.
Do you have, like, a disease? Ava was bullied at her school.
They tossed her down a flight of stairs.
Oh, good.
I-I mean, that's great You're not, like, contagious.
I turned it around.
Oh, word? You [bleep.]
them up? I'm sorry.
No.
Like, went on a mission of vengeance and shit? Sidebar.
No f-word, no s-word.
Hey, maybe take it down, Becky.
I'm trying to reach out to a fan.
You got it.
I turned it into a positive.
Um, I started a program at my school for other students with special needs, so that way, they won't get bullied, too.
Oh, wow.
You really are, like, special.
Not really.
I just think it's important to help others.
Put her there, Baby Boo.
Oh! You had it all.
The big question here is, what happened? Happy birthday to you Caleb: It was my 20th birthday.
It was gonna go off, and then Satan comes in, bums me out.
Everybody out.
Everybody out.
Happy birthday to you Everybody out! Not you, Caleb.
Stay, stay, stay, stay.
All right, look, I got some bad news.
What are you talking about? The deal's off.
I feel terrible about this, but the truth is, I made a mistake, and I just It's me.
I just I cannot take it anymore.
No more singing, no more dancing, okay? Contract's over.
No hard feelings.
I know every generation says that the previous generation's music was better than this generation, and I know I've Like, for me, I go through that every few hundred years, where I'm just like, "This century's music is garbage!" And I felt that way with Caleb.
But you want my soul.
Ah.
This is embarrassing, but I'm not even sure you have a soul.
I thought that you had my back, man.
I never had your back, 'cause I'm You know, 'cause I'm Satan.
Aaahh.
My voice.
No! Ohh.
My moves! What have you done? Caleb, this was you a second ago.
No! No! "My moves!" What the hell? Satan, you're a dick, dude! Whoa! I'm the only person in this room who's been expelled from paradise.
I'm not gonna be the bad guy here.
You're like the bad guy, though.
There's not a badder guy.
Treece.
Yeah.
When you attack my character, it makes me feel really bad.
Um.
Oh, that's what you were talking about before.
Those are blanks to be filled in, like a Like a workbook.
What I didn't know is that he was already a narcissist with a psychopathic personality disorder before we even started working together.
You sound disappointed.
I was.
I'm in the corruption business, so I can't make bad souls worse be Because that's not That's not a sustain That's not a sustainable business model for me.
The world has become such a corrupt place.
There's just no Um.
I'm sorry.
There's just no pure souls left, and so, what what that So we made a deal If I could find him one pure soul, then I could be rich and famous again.
Right.
Listen, Ava, uh, Caleb has told me so much about you, and I just want to say I'm a fan of you.
I just think you're so incredible, and I just want to say, like, I can help you make any of your dreams come true.
All you need to do is tell me what it is you want more than anything.
I want I want my own reality show.
I want to be like a Kardashian, but on my show, I'll have on contestants, and each week, I get to vote the losers off.
Trent: So that's how both of your careers ended.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ended my career, too.
Don't care.
What happened to Ava? She actually ended up with her own reality show, but the funny thing is, I had nothing to do with it.
It was Mark Burnett He will literally put anyone on television.
Wow.
I think there is no denying it There's a lot of love in this room right now, and I think it would be a shame to let it go to waste.
Yeah.
What the hell? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, my God! My voice is back! Yo! Let's make a record, baby! - Wow! -Talkin' about! - Yes! - No consequences! - Yeah, boy.
Bam! Ooh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I like that.
- The grown-man music, man.
- Yeah.
Grown-man music.
- Let 'em feel it.
Let 'em feel it.
Come from here, baby.
All right, here we go.
Let's go.
Quiet storm.
I texted you You ain't text back Oh, no, I thought I was the mack Unh! I got in touch That ain't how How it's supposed to be How'd you act like that, girl, when you ghosted me? - Ghost, boy.
- Yeah.
How'd you act like that, girl, when you ghosted me? How'd you act like that, girl, when you ghosted me? Satan: When I get into one of my moods, like, ohh.
Oh, my God.
When he is hangry, it is bad news.
It was an earthquake in Chile Oh, my God.
I know because I was thinking about chili.
I started bringing crackers everywhere I go.
It's like being with a pregnant woman.
I'm like, "Here.
Have a cracker.
You're getting crabby.
" "People are gonna die if you don't eat a cracker.
" Okay.
Okay.
Treece: I don't know what happened to the dude.
Somebody said he missing or something.
I don't know what happened with that.
What I can say is that Trent got out of pocket, and, you know, if you invade people's space, then, some people are gonna invade back.
A contract is a contract, but lest we never forget The devil is evil.
And though he Whoa.
Seriously, Trent? Trent, the director from the documentary, died.
Yeah, I know.
I killed him.
Well, I did Aah! Aah! Man: Aaah! I'm definitely not proud of it, but I did it.
[ Eerie music plays .]
Woman: Rolling.
As a storyteller, I love trying to tackle different genres.
If I had to describe this episode, it is a Faustian tale, but in the world of "Spinal Tap" or "What We Do in the Shadows.
" This one was us trying to tackle a mockumentary.
Am I the only one that hears a leaf blower or what? Man: Cut! One of the challenges was to make it look crappy.
This one is, by far, the least sculpted show.
Really? But I think it's stylized.
But it feels really great.
Yeah.
I think you did a great job.
So maybe we should be You know, plan to do crappier work more often.
Maybe we should just try to phone it in more.
I think that's a good plan.
Let's do it.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Dip it low and pop, pop.
Obviously, people will see this and think Justin Bieber, but it really was more a skewering of pop stars.
But, then, the other influence was the Metallica documentary, "Some Kind of Monster.
" Right.
'Cause they all end up in group therapy.
How about we play a game? How about we role-play? You play Satan.
I think part of us making pictures is often group therapy.
It's group therapy.
Behold.
It is I, the Dark Lord of the Abyss.
It was really fun.
The cast was really great.
The director's got a bit of a 'tude, but the cast was great, and there was a lot of improvising, which was really fun.
Yeah, I took a photo of my lady parts.
Can we move off this topic of conversation? One of the fun things about working on this show was the script was meaningless.
Uncalled for.
No No offense.
You dress like a Canadian Montessori School teacher.
[ Laughter .]
We both can tell truths.
And then Bobcat's like, "Well, just say whatever.
" And I'm like, "Well, that's the sign of a true auteur.
" He really just doesn't give a shit.
" [ Laughs .]
Repeat after me, dude "Ma.
" Ma.
"Dukes.
" Ma Dukes.
No.
Dude, you would [bleep.]
up a wet dream.
Anybody ever told you that? I just tried to play him as though he just got hit on the head with a hammer.
I thought that you had my back, man.
I never had your back, 'cause I'm You know, 'cause I'm Satan.
You're a sheisty-ass back-stabber.
Okay? Michael Ian Black.
Jill Talley.
[ All singing .]
Dave Pasquesi.
Um, do you prefer to be called "Satan"? All these people are amazing improvisers and comedians.
Help me understand, Treece.
Help you understand what How waffles are made? Little bit of dough, little flour, sugar.
This is the most fun I've ever had doing anything.
I know, right? Y'all don't know about the baking soda, do you? You're supposed to put baking soda and make it fluffy.
You don't even know about that, do you? There was something really electric that was happening all the time.
I think the best moments in television or film are what I like to call, like, lucky accidents.
And fortunately, with my ineptness, there's always a lot of accidents going on.
All the time.
I like these trees.
We should shoot I thought I told you to [bleep.]
off.
- Cut.
- I always have you playing jerks, but you're one of the nicest people I know.
Douche, dumb, and dick That's my wheelhouse.
That's what my wife tells me.
Caleb, I know you're in there! Bradley: What do you have against Trent's character? I don't like documentary filmmakers.
[ Clattering .]
This is just Oh! I want to catch it.
Aah! My passion is condemning souls to hell.
Aaah! Honestly, I've rediscovered my passion for my work, and I've never been happier.