Bojack Horseman (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1x03 - Prickly Muffin Who wants chocolate chip pancakes? I do! I do! Ethan, didn't you already eat your pancakes? As Oliver North would say, "I do not recall.
" Hey, where's Sabrina? Not hiding under the table, that's for sure.
Aww Why don't you guys leave this one to me? Why aren't you dressed for school, prickly muffin? I'm scared.
Olivia told me sometimes, at school they have pop quizzes.
I don't want to pop! That's too much, man.
Sabrina, nobody's popping on my watch.
You stick with me, and I promise you, everything's gonna be just fine.
- Cut, boom in the shot.
- What? I'll be in my trailer.
Nah, I'm just horsin' around.
You folks enjoying the show? And how about Sara Lynn as Sabrina? Isn't she wonderful? Oh.
Thank you.
Sarah Lynn.
You remember that name.
Back to one, everybody.
- Hey, you see those people? - Yeah.
Well, those boobs and jerk wads are the best friends you'll ever have.
Without them, you're nothing.
Remember that.
Let's take it back to "prickly muffin.
" Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they'll be good to you.
We are rolling.
Sound speed.
The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty.
No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.
And action.
Why aren't you dressed for school, prickly muffin? You might remember her as adorable Sabrina from Horsin' Around, but on her new dance pop album, Sarah Lynn wants you to know that she is hot to trot.
Why don't you touch my prickly muffin? My prickly muffin Ooh, prickly And it's muffin, and it's It's ready for your stuffing What is the message behind your music? America needs to know that I'm not that little girl anymore.
I'm a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have sex, and I do sexy things.
People like sex, okay, and since I'm sexy right now, they like me.
Are you at all worried that audiences will grow bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing? Are you kidding? I'm Sarah freaking Lynn.
I'm gonna be sexy forever! Pop star and child actress, Sarah Lynn, celebrates her 30th birthday this month, raising the question, "does anyone care about Sarah Lynn anymore?" After all, she is 30.
Here to answer that question, sexy, 14-year-old dubstep wunderkind, Sextina Aquafina.
Hey! Sextina, what's your take? I love Sarah Lynn.
I grew up on her music, okay, and she's, like, an inspiration, but now, she is old, and shriveled, and gross, and nobody want her no more, okay? - They want Sextina Aquafina, baby! - Ha ha! You're delightful.
So where does Sarah Lynn go from here? Oh, you know where she should go? She should go wherever famous people go when they're done being famous, and nobody cares if they live or die.
Who could that be? Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? I do! I do! - Why are you talking to me? - I thought maybe if I said that, you'd make me chocolate chip pancakes.
Oh, come on, buddy.
It's a beautiful morning, the sun is shining, - birds are chirping - Hey, BoJack, - any plans for the weekend? - Still hate the troops, Boj? - Why don't you refill your bird feeder, huh? - Yeah, who's a bird got to blow - to get some seed around here? - Good one.
Let's do something fun today.
- Like what? - Like a cannonball! Like a "buying you a new bed"? Wow, everything in this store is made out of old train tracks and a reclaimed pier.
Oh, great, for ten grand, I can sleep like a hobo.
Do we need letter openers made out of Confederate bayonets? It says they're stained with authentic Yankee blood.
O-M-G.
O-M-G! O-M-M-F-C-S-D-V-R-Q-Q-P-Q-F-G! - I know.
- Ugh.
Yeah, it's me, straight off your TV screens and into your shitty lives.
It's Sarah Lynn and Andrew Garfield.
Huh? What the ? - And what's your name, darling? - I mm I'll just make it out to "Evelyn.
" Uh - Um, hi.
Sarah Lynn, hi.
- BoJack? Hey.
Andrew, this is BoJack, my TV dad.
Oh, hello, I'm Andrew Garfield.
Andrew's my boyfriend.
We're a celebrity power couple.
It's no big deal.
It's a really big deal.
Sarah Lynn, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.
When we started dating, you were the biggest star in the world, but your last few albums tanked, so now, I don't even know what you are anymore.
Are you Are you breaking up with me? - Oh, bother.
- Um, are those candy pills, 'cause if so, that is a lot of sugar.
Why are you doing this to me?! Do you like seeing me suffer? Because you know I'll bleed for you.
- Oh! - Damn! - Oh, dear.
- Whoa-oh-oh.
Um Darling, please, I wanted to do this in a public place so you wouldn't make a scene.
You think I won't make a scene, you limey bastard? Then you really don't know me at all.
Hey, everyone! Who wants to see me take a dump on that sofa? And then she took a dump on a sofa made out of a reclaimed propeller.
Where's Sarah Lynn now? I checked her into Promises.
How did it feel to check the girl you raised on television into rehab? It was tough.
I would have liked to reconnect with her.
At least we got to bond a little on the drive to Malibu.
I can see my organs.
Oh, whoa! She is losing a lot of blood, BoJack.
Beautiful day for a drive, though, huh? Well, maybe the two of you can catch up some more when she gets out of rehab.
People don't usually want to hang out with me after rehab.
I'm really more of a before-rehab friend.
I think it's gonna be a long time before I see Sarah Lynn again.
Who could that be? Look, BoJack, I appreciate what you were trying to do, but I don't need rehab.
Look, good as new, huh? Oh, great, well, that's a relief.
Uh, should you be taking all those pills? It's dexitriathylphenolbarbatol.
- I got it from a doctor.
- Your doctor or just a doctor? I don't know, some doctor, okay? I met him at Adam Levine's Halloween party.
- I think he said his name was Dr.
Who.
- Yeah, I don't think that was Ohh, God damn.
Uh, are you supposed to be snorting it like that? Ugh! What are you, the paramedic who restarted my heart at Adam Levine's Halloween party? Okay, so before we put to bed the whole - you going to rehab thing - BoJack, all my life, I've never been forced to confront my problems head on.
No one has ever said "no" to me, ever, so is it cool if instead of confronting my problems head on, I just hide out here for a little bit? Sarah Lynn, I hear what you're saying, and I think I know what you need.
You just need a strong, responsible adult to say: "Yes.
Yes, you can move in with me.
" This is gonna be fun.
Hey, everyone, the old gang's getting back together.
Three little orphans One, two, three Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? - I do! I do! - Uh, what's going on in here? Morning, sleepy-pooh, you want pancakes? Yeah, that sounds great.
Ooh, tough break, champ.
I just gave the last one to Sarah Lynn.
Early bird gets the worm.
More like early turd gets the sperm.
Wha "Early turd gets the sperm," nice one, Sarah Lynn.
You should do a Shouts and Murmurs.
Help yourself to some cold wheat bran, sport.
Ugh.
Thanks for letting me crash here, BoJack.
The guest room is yours as long as you want.
You have a guest room? Why have I been sleeping on the couch for five years? You'll get the guest room when you've earned the guest room.
These pancakes are so good.
All Andrew ever wanted to eat was stupid lasagna.
- Andrew Garfield loves lasagna? - I don't want to talk about him! BoJack, can you drive me to the mall today? I really want to go shopping, but I'm not allowed to drive because somebody got a DUI.
Uh, that somebody was you, right? I don't have to answer your questions! What are you, the cop that pulled me over after Adam Levine's Halloween party? Honey, do you really think going to the mall's a good idea? I seem to recall another time you went shopping when things got pretty out of control.
Oh, that's too much, man! Oh.
Really? Not the time when she gored herself with a bayonet and shat on a floor model? Hey, I'm not the crazy one.
Andrew's the one who flies off the handle whenever his agent sets up an audition on a Monday.
Andrew Garfield hates Mondays and loves lasagna? I said I don't want to talk about it! - She said drop it, Todd! - Whatever, I don't want to go to the stupid mall.
I'll just tell my friends to come here.
Muffin, I've got to work on my book today, and I can't have a bunch of folks over making a lot of noise.
Oh, I see.
I'm a burden to you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sweetheart.
Sweetheart.
I'm no longer cute, so I have nothing to offer this world.
Honey, of course your friends are always welcome here.
Cool.
Bye.
- Can I invite a frien - No.
You let that basket case into your house? That girl is a PR hurricane that you don't need right now.
She has nowhere else to turn.
She broke up with her boyfriend.
She stabbed herself and closed the wound with duct tape.
- She fired her agent.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back it up, horsey.
Did you say Sarah Lynn doesn't have an agent? Laura, hold my calls, cancel everything! Ahab's got a white whale to catch, baby! Uh, hello? Still there? Oh, th that's that's fragile.
Uh, no, oh, no, wait.
Careful.
Careful.
Careful.
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Ah! Lemur! Great party, Sarah Lynn.
Hi, what it is, banana bread? I'm not looking for a new agent right now.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Who says I'm looking for a new client? Slow your roll, Speed Racer.
We're just two single ladies having a no-presh rap sesh.
I'm not one of those agents who can't turn it off.
Your Ari Emanuels and Vanessa Geckos and what have you.
Vanessa Gecko is actually Andrew's agent, and she's really great.
Is she? I've heard that.
I didn't realize you were so into house music.
Look, I asked her to turn it down, but apparently, this volume was prescribed by Dr.
Who to treat something called "uptight dickhead disease.
" What do you What do you think about Sarah Lynn? Oh, I don't really think about her all that much.
I mean, obviously, I'm a fan of her early work which both satirized and celebrated youth culture's obsession with sex, but I do wonder as a third-wave feminist if it's even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so is just a lie we tell ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze.
- Uh, what? - But you know, on the other hand, I worry that conversations like this one often dismiss her as a mere puppet of the industry - That's my same worry.
- incapable of engaging - in these discussions herself - Obviously.
and infantilization, which is itself a product - of the deeply misogynistic - So deep.
society we live in.
But like I said, I don't really think about her all that much.
Okay, well, that is very interesting, but I was more asking, like, what do you think about her living here? Oh, right.
Well, what was your relationship like with her when you were working on the show? It was very good, very professional.
BoJack, where did you go to college? - Don't bother him, honey.
- Oh, it's no problem.
Honey, college is for ugly people who can't tap dance.
- I want to be an architect.
- Sweetheart, Mommy didn't do what Mommy did to that Star Search producer so that you could be an architect.
- Aw.
- All right, - take it sleazy, everybody.
- Wait, BoJack, um, what are you doing this weekend? I don't know.
I'll probably just go to the amusement park, maybe the circus, fly a kite on the beach, watch the sunset, then I'll head back to my place to watch any number of Disney princess movies while eating ice cream straight from the tub.
Whoa, that sounds like so much fun.
Can I come? Yeah, like I want to spend my weekend hanging out with a little girl.
Good one! You should write for the Shouts and Murmurs.
See you Monday! So the makeup they were putting on you was not for the show, it was just for the weekend? - Why does that matter? - I'm just trying to understand the story.
Do you think it's possible that you inviting Sarah Lynn into your house now is your way of compensating for not No, Diane, I'm just helping out a friend.
I'm not trying to play out some weird, sick dad fantasy, or resolve a deep guilt for past neglect, or even try to retroactively fix my own childhood by recreating someone else's, and I'm especially not doing all those things at once! Okay.
What happened? Did somebody hurt my precious baby? Sarah Lynn! Ah! What the ? Oh, hey, BoJack.
I told my friends they could tear this wall out to build a sweet cocaine booth/sex closet.
- Is that cool? - No, that's not cool.
Oof.
Way to harsh the vibe, Kissinger.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize.
I thought this was a place where Sarah Lynn could finally be Sarah Lynn, but I guess - that's too much, man.
- I always loved that catch phrase.
Can your friends at least take the artwork off the wall first? Ooh.
I want to say yes, but no.
- Okay, good talk.
- Wha Are you serious? The reason I have called this house meeting is Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings.
Only I can call a house meeting.
You can propose a house meeting.
All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose - this house meeting - Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review.
- Proposal denied.
- BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.
What? No she's not.
We have a special relationship.
You couldn't possibly understand.
Oh, my God.
Look at what she's done to your house.
All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier.
I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now, that's probably gonna be a whole thing.
I have to say, I agree with Todd.
You're not this girl's father, and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.
Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers.
The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries.
All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.
BoJack! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life.
Ah! Lemur on fire! Lemur on fire! Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her.
I'm gonna give it to her so hard.
You know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.
Here you are, milady, a gin and nutmeg just like you asked.
Ugh.
Too much nutmeg.
Well, you know what would taste even better? An endorsement for a Slovakian yogurt.
Could Vanessa Gecko get you that? Vanessa Gecko got Andrew The Social Network, and she has skybox seats at the Staples Center.
- What do you have? - Well, I've got a table at the Comedy Central roast of Gloria Stein Hey, Sarah Lynn, what say we spend the day together, just you and me, away from all the haters? - I want to say yes, but - Great, let's go.
It really seems like Some things are forever in this world Don't you know I'm feeling fine together with my girl Daddy's girl She's daddy's girl You know, Sarah Lynn, I got a feeling - everything's gonna be okay.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, did you hear Kazaz got cancer? What? Herb Kazaz has cancer? Yeah, in the butt.
He's got, like, six months I think.
Well, that's horrible.
Why would you tell me that now? I don't know.
The sun setting over those two hills made me think of a big ass, and that made me think of ass cancer, and that made me think of Herb Kazaz's ass cancer.
You really didn't know? No, Herb and I aren't on the best Look, I'm trying to have a moment here.
I can't Hey, I want to give you something.
- Is this your TV Guide award? - It's the most prestigious award I ever won.
I always thought if I ever had kids of my own, I'd give it to them one day.
I want you to have it.
Oh, wow.
BoJack, thanks.
You're sweet.
Na-na-na-na La-la-la-la Na-na-na-na La-la-la-la - What are you doing? - Shh.
Just let the credits roll, let the credits roll.
Sha-na-na-na-na-na Special moment Exec Producer Garry Marshall Na-na-na Such a happy day "Sit, Ubu, sit.
" "Good dog.
" "Arf.
" - Can we go home now? - Yeah, okay, we're done.
Hey now, boy, come and try My clitoris is ginormous - Hello? - BoJack Horseman.
Did you get rid of your old TV Guide award? This pawnshop on La Cienega was selling one - with your name on it.
- What? Wait, why were you at a pawnshop? Oh, I just have a guy there who calls me whenever TV awards come in so I can buy 'em.
I put my name on, it's like I won it myself! I have two Golden Globes and a People's Choice forTemple Grandin.
Sarah Lynn! Hello? You still there? My clitoris is ginor Okay, party's over.
Everybody out.
- Aw! - Not you.
You are in big trouble, young lady.
I can't believe you pawned my award.
It wasn't personal.
I just thought your award was stupid, and I already have a billion other awards, and I wanted to get money for drugs.
Look, things have been tough for you, and I understand that.
I know what you're going through right now.
Oh, you know what I'm going through? Why? Because you were on some dumb kids show a million years ago? - Hey, now.
- I had my own fashion line when I was ten.
By 20, I was packing stadiums.
I get letters every day from boys telling me that I was the first girl they masturbated to.
Literally, someone tells me that every day.
- That is gross.
- Oh-ho, I know! You sit up here in your little house and feel sorry for yourself? Oh, guess what, Bo-J, in order to be a has-been, you have to have actually, - you know, been.
- You are way out of line! You're not my dad.
You're just a rugged, older man who provided me with a strong, masculine presence during my formative years.
I'm not your dad, and you're not my child.
We're just a man and a lady living in a house together, and we're both adults, and we're both a little drunk.
Who-o-o lit my ottoman on fire? - Seriously, you seriously don't know? - I'm a bad "widdle" girl.
Yeah, you are bad, very bad! You want me to put it out with my boob? - Uh, what? - Your boob is a very impractical way to put out a fire.
What is happening? I think you have a serious drug problem.
The only drug I need is horse.
Guys, guys, what are you doing? Please don't do this.
No, no.
Why are you This is a very bad idea.
Can I at least get my blanket let me get my blanket out from under Oh G Oh, my God, my arm.
- You got my arm.
- Ow! Ow! I'm in it now.
Oh, God, no! I'm a part of it.
I still haven't regained the feeling in my fingers.
That was the longest two minutes of my life.
Um, I think it was a little longer than two minutes.
It was longer than two minutes.
How do you not get that this is terrible? Oh, you mean from a P.
R.
standpoint? Yeah, 'cause if this got out, oh, I would get flayed! Oh, I'm done being the voice of reason.
It's exhausting.
I got to take an angry nap.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I know.
I know.
She's taking advantage of me.
Actually, it kind of feels like you're the one taking advantage of her.
She's the one with substance abuse problems and daddy issues.
Hey, we both have substance abuse problems - and daddy issues.
- Yeah, but she came to you for help.
Hey, notice how I've been ignoring you, playing hard to get? Only makes you want me more.
Ugh.
Go stand on the other side of the room.
- Okay.
- Sarah Lynn, get your coat.
- I'm taking you to rehab.
- Nah, I was gonna keep hanging out here if that's all right.
- No, it's not all right.
- What? This place isn't good for you.
You need to go where you can get help, real help.
But I thought you were always gonna be there for me like you said.
I will always be there for you.
Cut, let's take ten.
That's ten, everyone.
Let's make it a tight ten.
These pages are shit.
you understand? Shit.
I wouldn't wipe my ass with these pages.
It would defeat the whole purpose of wiping my ass.
- Phone for you.
- Uh-huh.
You get me points on the back end? Well, I told you I'm not gonna do it unless I get points.
Oh, they can't find any? Well, maybe they could suck some out of my dick! I'm on the phone.
You're being very rude.
You promised me you would always be there.
Sarah Lynn, this is for your own good.
You can't stay here anymore.
Okie-doke.
I guess I'll just move out and find one of the billion people who will let me party at their house.
Uh, well, you should not do that.
Oh, I know.
I know, but I can, so I will.
I'm at a place right now where I never need to grow as a person or rise to an occasion because I can constantly just surround myself with sycophants and enablers until I die tragically young.
- Wh-What? - Yeah, it's pretty much too late for me.
Well, them's the breaks.
Take it sleazy, everybody.
Oh, by the way, I called Vanessa Gecko, and I'm meeting with her tomorrow.
- Thanks for the suggestion.
- No! No, no, no, no, no! Hey, you guys want to hear my new catchphrase? Suck a dick, dumb shits! Laura, the dummy took the bait.
Now for phase two.
Is she gone? Is it safe to come out? Leak to the trades that Andrew Garfield's agent is taking meetings with his ex, get it all over town, wait an hour, then get me lunch with Andrew on the books for this weekend, someplace Italian.
I really blew it, didn't I? I mean, maybe you could have been a better role model when she was young, but also, she never really had a chance.
This is what our celebrity culture does to people.
So what you're saying is: Everything is society's fault, and we as individuals never need to take responsibility for anything? Uh, no.
Not exactly.
I was just saying that Yeah.
I like that.
I didn't do anything wrong because I can't do anything wrong because we're all just products of our environment, bouncing around like marbles in the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that is our random and cruel universe.
Wait, no, that's not even what I'm saying Yeah, It's not my fault.
It's society.
Everything is because of society! - BoJack, that - Dude, just let him have this.
Hooray! Everything is meaningless! Nothing I do has consequence! - So what'd you get, anything good? - Oh, I got everything.
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - # I'm BoJack the horse # - # BoJack # BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse BoJack Boxer versus raptor.
Na na na na na na na na