Boo, Bitch (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[mysterious music playing]
[Erika] Are we sure I'm dead?
I feel like I wanna die.
[Gia] Well, your body's under a moose, so
[Erika] Or maybe
I crossed over, and this is hell.
How am I supposed to kiss Jake C now?
The window is closed,
locked, and bricked over.
You have to kiss him. This is
your unfinished business. Look at me.
- This does not mean they're back together.
- It doesn't?
No. Riley is the most manipulative human
on the planet.
Of course she'd be getting
all up in Jake C. Hey, hey, hey!
You need to put yourself in his position.
You were a no-show,
so he's drowning his sorrows
in Riley's lips.
- You are the jerk.
- I'm the jerk?
You were supposed to show up at nine,
and it is midnight.
- So, what am I supposed to do now?
- Apologize.
Like, now?
Mm Yeah, I completely take that back.
Okay, you need to really look at me.
Okay? And we need to go.
Can you take the wheel? I would ask Jesus,
but I recently ate his face.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yep. That's the right idea.
It's just an apology.
How hard could it be?
Hmm. Maybe I should put my mea culpa
in print. Yeah, that feels right.
What? You gonna put a stamp on it,
wait for it to arrive in two to four days?
Or were you thinking of sending it
with one of Brad's doves?
When you break it down like that,
it does sound lame.
Okay. What about a
What about an apology text?
Okay.
[sighs] Okay.
Sorry I didn't make it to the kickback.
I was having an existential crisis
and I needed urgent answers
I don't know what to say.
Well, not that.
Okay. But I don't want to lie to him.
So maybe I should just
speak from the heart.
Which is not beating.
So what am I gonna do?
Ooh. Delete. No.
No. I threw up at the other party.
I'm gonna be the throw-up girl.
Aagh. Screw it! I'm dead.
I'm just gonna say what I want.
Sorry I didn't make it to the kickback.
Something weird happened. I won't
- Stop typing.
- It's boring.
Actually it's not boring to me, but
- [Gia] That's not gonna get you that kiss.
- No, it would just be weird.
Anyways, I really
Anything over 15 words,
and you're my grandma
giving me the recipe for lemonade.
borrowed one or gone
the T-shirt/underwear route.
Bottom line is, I'm sorry.
Do not send that!
Okay, I won't send it.
- [alert chimes]
- I sent it.
Oh.
[suspenseful music playing]
[cell phone alert dings]
[cell phone alert rings]
I can't believe how much time
I've wasted choosing outfits,
showering, worrying about
the way that I looked. I look fine.
No. You know, I look great,
and I don't need society to validate me.
And I sure as hell
do not need Jake C to validate me.
[cell phone vibrates]
- [whispers] Is it Jake?
- [whispers] Gia!
[Gia] Get your ass up, take a shower,
and get dressed. It's been a week.
Can't. I used up all my energy
to pick up this call, so what's the point?
- I'm hanging up now.
- [phone chimes off]
It's the Freshman 15, not the Senior 20.
Leave me alone.
I'm streating with my daughter
'cause Jake and Riley are firewalling us.
- Streating?
- [Erika] Stress eating.
Because they haven't posted dick
on sosh meeds.
No avocado toast. No double rainbow.
Not even Frida Kahlo's face
in a cappuccino.
They probably don't even
have their hands free.
[cell phone chimes]
Jake C posted a pic of a tree.
Let me see, let me see.
Well, that doesn't look like a local tree.
They must be on a mini vacay,
all loved-up in an Airbnb.
Reverse image Google map that shiz.
- [cell phone chimes]
- BBL. I have a date with monkey bread.
Ah. What a twat.
- You can't call women twats, you dick.
- Then don't call men dicks, asshole.
I need all the monkey bread
to fill my empty soul.
That's like 7,000 calories.
- So.
- Your body won't let you eat that much.
- You'll throw up or die.
- Wanna bet?
Well, you're not the only one
who needs to eat their feelings.
What's your problem? Why are you so clean?
Didn't you have a morning game?
- [phone chimes]
- I got dumped in the outfield.
I'm a shortstop. So I quit.
[yells] Dad! It's a sugar pine!
[Mr. Vu] Shit. They might be in Tahoe.
Didn't you hear me? I quit baseball.
Well, who cares about baseball?
Just do something else.
But you said I was a natural.
When you're dead,
and your body is rotting in a ditch,
no one's gonna care
if you were shortstop or outfielder.
Yeah. Says the mayor of Twat City.
Hey. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
- And it's gonna be sooner than you think.
- Yeah, not soon enough. 149 days.
I wish I had 149 days.
Shit.
How many days do I have left?
[boy] Time frame?
Yeah, like how long do ghosts live?
Or, you know, hang around? [chuckles]
Hair of the dog.
Or wolf. It symbolizes our wild instinct,
which I gave into last night.
I am so cold. Are you cold?
If I knew it was gonna be
this frickin' freezing,
I wouldn't have worn fishnets with holes.
Anyway, time frame for a dead person
to remain a ghost depends on the UFB.
As long as its business takes
to be finished.
As long as the body isn't put to rest.
- Like a funeral service?
- Or cremation?
Yeah, funeral service, cremation.
Whatever rite of passage floats your boat.
Viking funeral pun intended! [chuckles]
Unless
- Why do you always one-up me?
- You didn't give all the info.
I agree with Magic Tyke,
like, once in a perigean full moon,
but, in this case, he is right.
Thank you, bitch.
[both] Unless?
Unless the body decomposes
before its business is finished.
And what happens to its ghost?
[Brad] If it doesn't finish
its unfinished business,
it just sorta floats around
and lamely tries to haunt people.
No one can see or hear them.
They're basically powerless, invisible.
[Brad] Directionless, stuck.
Sucks BT.
Gently pushing doors open
and making chandeliers flicker
gets real boring
[chuckles]real fast.
And and how long
does a ghost have to do that for?
Forever. For eternity. And
[loudly] Yes, I'll follow you to hell!
[both] What?
Not you. Her.
[giggling]
- We're going to hell!
- [girl screams]
- Oh, you're so beautiful.
- Look at you!
- Oh, this is so comfy.
- [giggles]
[Jake C] "I could have borrowed one
or gone the T-shirt/underwear route."
"Bottom line is, I'm sorry."
So, is this an apology,
or is it a blow-off?
Why do you even need to respond?
I thought you guys kissed and made up.
We almost kissed. We just never got there.
Well then, what's this?
[Jake W laughs]
That was a mistake
in a drunken, vulnerable moment
that you guys scared me into.
Well, good! Keep following that instinct.
Anyway, I wasn't even talking about Riley.
I was talking about Erika.
- Oh! Beer pong girl.
- Yeah. I love that girl. She's supes hot.
Exactly. She's chill and cool and awesome.
And I think I may have blown it
because I waited too long
to text her back.
Why are you texting Erika when you
and Riley are already back together?
And BT-doubles,
my promposal is tonight.
- [drums]
- [Jake M] Okay.
Don't show up to the park
without knowing your move.
Wait. Okay.
[beatboxing] Hey.
Can you guys just,
like, for a second stop it?
Okay, I'm not back together with Riley.
So, what, you're going to prom as friends?
Hey, with or without benefits,
it's 30 bucks for the sex room.
- Sixty for the non-sex.
- Why's the sex room cheaper?
We're splitting the cost between eight.
Don't worry, it's a classy setup.
- Riley will love it.
- Riley and I are broken up.
Dude, if you don't take Riley,
you will ruin prom for everyone.
See, that that is just bullshit.
And you know what?
I'm taking whoever I want.
Unless she blew me off.
I have two choices. Kiss Jake C
while he still has interest and ascend,
or become an apparition and spend
eternity as Helen Who in a lava lamp.
That is a no-brainer.
Unless that wasn't just a kiss
and they're already back together.
Who cares?
Home-wrecking? No. That's bad karma
and a one-way ticket to hell.
No one's gonna damn you
for one make-out sesh.
You don't know
if Jake C and Riley got back together.
If you kiss him before you find out,
I believe plausible deniability
still applies.
It has to.
I have a very short attention span.
I can't spend the rest of eternity bored.
I will die.
I mean [groans] You know what I mean.
I gotta kiss Jake C, like, now.
Get it.
[romantic pop music playing]
You're always tellin' me ♪
Never gonna let you go
Never, never, never gonna let you go ♪
Yeah, you were whisperin' ♪
I'm never gonna let you go
Never, never gonna let you go ♪
I realized, once I do this,
I'm never gonna see you again.
I cannot leave this earth
without telling you how much you
[electricity buzzing]
[cell phone vibrating]
- What the hell is happening?
- You are happening.
You need to rein in
your paranormal activity.
Okay. How do I do that?
[buzzing continues]
[students chattering]
[classical music playing on speakers]
- Promposals are so dumb.
- That's not what you said last week.
Well, I'm saying it now.
Not all promposals.
I'm sure Jake M's is gonna be so cute.
All I'm saying is, they're not for me.
Like, to me, the best ask is no ask,
like JC and me.
We're so on the same page,
we don't even need to officiate it.
Which is why, when he shows up
on the day, wearing a white tux,
standing up in the sunroof of a black,
high-end SUV, holding chrysanthemums,
I will be camera-ready
in my midnight blue strapless gown
and silver shoes.
Going back to the same page theory,
you might wanna turn that page.
Jake M is having a freak-out,
because Jake C might kind of,
sort of, possibly, totally, definitely
wanna take Erika instead of you. Maybe.
You okay?
I'm always okay.
Mm-hmm.
Well, Jake M wants to know
what you're gonna do.
- What should I text him?
- Dog in sunglasses.
- [Gia] Erika, do something!
- [cell phone vibrating]
Is someone actually calling me,
or is that me calling me?
[electricity continues buzzing]
- [buzzing stops]
- [vibrating stops]
Holy shit! Holy shit!
You just neutralized your energy.
You gotta keep those in all the time.
I'm not wearing them for the rest
of my non-life life. It's so not sexy.
- [buzzing resumes]
- Well, that's even less sexy.
[buzzing stops]
[stall door closes]
After I kiss Jake C, I'm gonna ascend,
and you and I
will never see each other again.
So
I guess this is goodbye.
[sobs] I love you so much.
I love you too. [sniffles]
[chuckles] I would have never
survived high school without you.
And I never would have survived life
without you.
You know, besides my mom,
you really are my only family.
I have to delay this kiss.
I have to say goodbye to my family
and tie things up.
[cell phone buzzes, chimes]
Am I texting myself now?
God, I'm so needy.
It's a group invite
to Jake M's promposal at nine tonight.
Who sent it?
I don't recognize any of the numbers
but Jake C's.
[laughs] Jake C invited me to a promposal.
- [Gia] That's when you kiss him!
- Oh my God.
Okay. So I have till 9:00 p.m. tonight
to lock shit up,
say my goodbyes
and get my things in order.
This is it, G.
TTDBIKJAD.
Oliver, before I go,
I want you to remember three things.
Don't quit baseball, okay?
You will regret it.
You are a natural at it.
Two, ask Dad to get your ears pinned.
And three.
- I love you.
- [groans]
- [Erika] Hey, Dad. I just wanted to
- [gasps]
[Mr. Vu] Is it about Jake?
[Erika] I'll come back after work.
[exhales]
And I would always feel so special
when you'd call in sick
to take me to Disneyland.
And I don't know what I'm gonna do
without you when I'm gone.
[gasps]
When I go away to college.
I love you, Mom.
I love you too, honey.
Wish I had that relationship
with my daughter.
But my Sarah, she's an asshole.
[Erika] Goodbye, eighth grade diary.
[Gia] GROAIE.
[Erika] Goodbye, Helen Who.
Goodbye, driver's license
with the hideous pic.
[gasps]
[chuckles] Wait. That was you who farted
in third grade? I thought it was Devon.
Yeah, forgot about that.
But, yes, I was the culprit.
- You know everyone still calls him Stinky?
- Yeah.
That's bad karma.
I gotta apologize to Devon.
Whoa, no. No, we don't have time.
I'm almost done.
I just have to say goodbye to my dad
before we hit the promposal.
It takes two seconds to say I'm sorry.
I can say it in one. I'm sorry!
You.
- You ruined my life.
- I just farted, and I didn't claim it.
That fart changed the course
of my destiny.
Up until a month ago,
I was known to the world as Stinky.
When someone finally called me Devon,
I wept.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to have your identity co-opted?
I do, actually, and I am so sorry.
Let me tell you a story
about Devon Evan Kaler,
and his fall from grace.
After that, uh
fateful day in third grade,
that nickname stuck to me
like flies on shit.
[chuckles] Touché!
I did everything to get that stink off.
I I quit the soccer team,
even though I was a prodigy,
because I was too afraid to sweat
and get BO.
I haven't eaten broccoli or eggs
in ten years.
I shower six times a day,
and my skin has been scrubbed so raw,
I have eczema.
If it's any consolation,
I think you smell amazing.
It's not.
You know, I'll never be able to forgive.
Or forget.
So in freshman year,
people started calling me Helen Who
Yeah, I'd give my right nut
to be Helen Who.
- If I had one.
- Is that my fault too?
No. I was born that way.
So long, Erika.
Oh, and here's something
you'll never forget.
Karma's a bitch.
We have a problem. The promposal
starts at eight-thirty, not nine.
It was on the sub-chain. Everybody has to
get there early. It's a surprise.
It's okay. Don't stress.
It still gives us two hours to say bye
to your dad and get mochaccinos.
That's not it. I ruined Devon's life.
I have to make it right.
But you confessed. You're absolved.
I, of all people,
understand how one little incident
can change the course of someone's life.
I cannot move on until I fix Devon's.
If you're in my shoes, would you do
all you could to set someone up to win?
Yeah. I would.
Is this Cara Bishop?
This is Erika Vu from third grade.
I have a confession to make.
Do you remember when Devon farted,
and everyone started calling him Stinky?
Well, that fart was mine.
Mason? Hi, this is Erika Vu.
Erika Vu from third grade.
Do you remember when Devon farted,
and everyone started to call him Stinky?
Well, that fart was mine.
Well, that fart was mine.
I'm not currently calling you
to tell you I'm currently farting.
- Done.
- Whoo!
[Gia] Let's go.
You're an amazing dad and a great friend.
I'm gonna miss our chess games
where we both cheated
when the other went to the bathroom.
And our karaoke afternoons when Mom
and Oliver would try and pay us to stop,
and we'd place bets on how long
it would take them to leave the house.
And most of all, I'm gonna miss our talks
over our secret stash of junk food
that only we knew about.
I love you, Dad.
I just wanted you to know before I leave.
For college.
My only regret
is we never got high together.
No time like the present.
[Erika and Gia] Hi, dead body!
I forgive you, Shelly!
- Now, who the hell is Shelly?
- The moose.
- Are you high?
- A little bit.
And you're driving?
A lot a bit. I'm also dead.
It doesn't matter.
Uh, maybe I don't wanna die.
Let's do this.
Wait, what am I doing? What's the plan?
Do I immediately grab Jake C and kiss him,
or do I wait till after?
What if there's not an after-promposal?
Huh. Or what if there is,
and Riley's there and she's watching?
You're gonna pull him aside
somewhere private after Jake M promposes.
You're a part of the event.
You should enjoy it.
Okay.
Hey.
I think this is where we part ways.
You don't need me for the kissing part.
Objectively speaking, it's weird and gross
watching people make out.
I I I can't say goodbye again,
because it's really painful. Um
And if you're gonna ascend after the kiss,
then let's do Irish goodbyes.
We already had our master cry
in the school bathroom, so
You know that I love you.
And I know you love me, so
- Bye.
- But [crying]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Have fun.
Now go kiss that boy!
- Whoa, whoa! Don't touch the chair.
- [shutter clicks]
Dude, I'm just taking a photo. Jeez.
[Jake M] Words on the front, Archer!
[chuckles]
Hey.
You're at the end of the question.
"Lea, will you go to prom with me?"
- Oh, cool.
- No, it's dumb, but Lea will love it.
- Can we chat?
- Um, okay.
Look, I know we've had a thorny past, but
I was hoping we could
put that behind us and be friends.
I know that must sound like total BS
coming from me,
but high school's almost over, and life is
too short to be holding grudges.
Way too short. I couldn't agree more.
Do you really wanna be friends?
- That's why I invited you here.
- Oh, you invited me. Um
There couldn't be a more perfect time
to make peace with each other, so
- Yay! Great. Friends!
- Yeah.
[whispers] Oh shit.
[Jake M] Okay. Everyone line up.
Lea is almost here.
And remember. When it gets
to the turn, drop, booty shake,
we should be facing
Each other. Each other.
[romantic pop music playing]
I want you, I need you
I never wanna leave you ♪
Baby, you're better than me ♪
Ooh, and maybe ♪
I just wanna see what's on your mind ♪
I said, baby ♪
You're better than me ♪
Oh, and maybe ♪
Maybe we could spend some time ♪
Ooh. Erika, tiny little FYI.
Now that we're friends,
I'm gonna let you in on the friend code.
We don't date each other's exes.
As in, you can't go to prom with Jake C.
No problem at all.
I didn't even wanna go to prom.
In fact, you and Jake C
should go together.
Oh, great.
And pose.
Can I talk to you?
[Jake M] Guys, get back in line!
"Lea, will you GoPro with me?"
[whimpers] Why are you asking me
[shouts]about a GoPro?
No, no. This was your promposal.
[Erika gasps] A fountain.
Could there be a more perfect place
for a first kiss? I think not.
What? No. There's no kissing here.
There isn't?
No. No, there's only talking.
And you You don't get to decide
who I go to prom with.
Only I get to decide that.
And, you know what? I decided
that I was going to ask you to prom.
Or I did,
before you tried to decide for me.
I'm sorry. I wasn't trying
to make that decision for you. Um
Just [chuckles]
I don't really care about prom.
And I'm gonna be OOT anyway.
And TBBH, I think prom is lame
and just a stupid cliché
that originated in debutante circles,
which were racist,
sexist, and exclusionary.
Uh Oh. Okay. Um
I didn't know that. Uh
But you're gonna be out of town.
Where are you going?
That is a great question.
Uh, destination TBD.
Now I have a question for you.
Do you wanna make out?
No.
Why not?
Because you want to make out with me,
but you also want me
to ask my ex-girlfriend to prom.
You approach me at school, then run away.
You're very confusing to me.
[clears throat]
I'm just gonna lay it all out on the table
because I literally have nothing to lose.
I will never forget the first day
that I met you at freshman orientation.
I've just had like the biggest crush
on you for the past four years.
And then, when we finally connected
at Jake W's party,
I couldn't believe how kind you were,
and sweet and funny and amazing.
And I thought that
maybe you were on Ecstasy,
but I checked your pupils,
and they were not dilated, and I
I was dying to kiss you.
Well, uh,
you can kiss me now.
[chuckles] What's wrong?
I'm just trying to savor
the before-the-first-kiss moment.
You can never have that back,
and I'm really gonna miss that.
In fact, I'm really gonna miss
a lot of the before-the-first things
that I'm never gonna experience
for the first time, or
ever.
Ever?
[sighs] Sorry.
I know I'm acting weird. Um
It's just, I don't know
what's gonna happen after we kiss,
so just be open to anything.
I don't understand at all
what you're even
[romantic music playing]
[exhales]
Do you still see me?
Of course I see you.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh my God.
[breathes deeply]
Nothing's happening.
Uhh, you know, something's
definitely happening. [chuckles]
But why am I still here?
[dramatic music playing]