Bored to Death (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) (quiet piano music playing) Mm, I love martinis.
They heal all wounds.
After about 1,000 of them I'm still amazed.
But your poor liver has had to work so hard.
I know, I know.
I'm very proud of her.
Your liver's female? All of my internal organs are women.
Listen, I have an early surprise birthday present for you.
When is your birthday, by the way? In about six months.
Oh, well, then this is very early.
You know the director Jim Jarmusch, right "Down by Law," "Broken Flowers"? Yeah, I love his movies.
Well, I saw Jarmusch the other night.
Oh, he has very good hair, just anyway, he wants to meet with you, give you a script to read.
Why does he want me to read his script? Turns out that he loves your first novel and he wants you to do a revision of one of his screenplays.
We're gonna meet him at a Film Society party tomorrow sometime and I've set the whole thing up for you.
I don't know, you know.
I really should be working on my book.
And look, I don't know how to write screenplays.
You need a computer program or something.
- It's crazy.
- Don't be a milquetoast, Jonathan.
This is a very big opportunity for you.
It could be a life changer.
Can one screenplay really change a life? Sometimes.
Do I want my life to change? Most people do, Jonathan.
Oh, shit, there's Antrem and Priscilla.
- No, don't turn around.
- Sorry.
- What? - Don't draw attention.
Just sit just sit there.
Who are they? Oh, damn it, I can't stand him.
I can't believe this is happening.
Richard used to work for me years ago.
And that's Priscilla, my best ex-wife.
They recently moved back to New York.
This is not gonna work.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Why was she your best wife? Everything with her was as intimate as kissing.
I never really got over it the most orgasmic woman I've ever been with.
Who was the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with? (laughs) Well, Antrem.
You could use my first name, George.
But I hope I'm not the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with.
I'm not that easy.
- Hello, Priscilla.
- Hello, George.
You look absolutely beautiful.
No, I don't.
I look like shit, but thank you.
How do I look? Depraved but well-fed.
Jonathan, this is Richard and Priscilla Antrem.
Richard is the new editor of "Women's Wear Daily.
" George, you know I'm editing "GQ.
" Don't be petty.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I get the two confused.
Of course you do.
You know, you ought to try doing "The Times" crossword puzzle.
It's supposed to be really good for senile dementia.
Richard, George, please.
It's very nice to meet the both of you.
Same here.
So who was the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with? No, I wasn't talking about me, actually.
Jonathan here mentioned a woman that he was dating that was, what did you say, very lively? - Lively.
- Really? You know, you've got an awfully good grip.
That's probably kind of handy in bed, isn't it? So how orgasmic was she? Thank you about the grip.
Yeah, I she was I don't want to be rude.
It's all right.
I don't mind talking about sex.
It's what everybody's thinking about anyway.
Why don't we sit down and have a drink and be civilized? You know, I'd love to, but we actually were on our way out right now.
So maybe some other time.
So anyway, hello and goodbye.
Nice to meet you.
Just Wow, that was really weird the way Antrem wouldn't let go of my hand.
Oh, he's a strange and tormented creature.
It really disturbs me that Priscilla loved me once and now loves him.
I'd hate to think what that means.
They're very nice ladies.
Well, one of them is.
I'd be doing them a huge favor.
I don't feel good about this.
I don't want you to be a sperm donor.
But it's flattering.
They're fans of my work.
I've never had lesbian fans before.
They should go to a sperm bank.
You can't just give your sperm to two girls you met in a cafe.
I met you in a cafe.
Ray, I just feel like you shouldn't be doing this.
The world is overpopulated.
You know there's an island of plastic the size of Texas in the Pacific.
I know, Leah.
You told me this 1000 times.
Please don't dismiss what I'm saying.
Overpopulation is important to me.
Look, I don't think that me giving these lesbians one illegitimate child is gonna add that much plastic.
You have two children.
Why can't I have one? But you haven't thought this through.
You don't listen to me.
I do listen.
I've heard everything you've said.
Really? You don't listen listen.
I want you to go for therapy.
Oh, God.
Okay.
I'll trade you therapy for sex.
It's been almost three weeks.
I think it's sweet you know how long it's been.
(crowd chattering) Well, let's get a drink.
Keep an eye out for Jarmusch.
God, there's a lot of good-looking women here much better than at book parties.
Hello.
Hi.
Goodbye.
- White wine? - Yeah.
Why is it wherever I go I look for Suzanne? Because your heart's broken, Jonathan.
You're looking for the piece that is her to put it back together.
I'll probably do the same with Priscilla now that she's back in town, God help me.
Well, if this thing works out with Jarmusch I'll be so distracted that I'll forget about Suzanne.
Movies equal money, women, glamour, more women.
See, I like that.
That's positive thinking.
But is any of it meaningful? No, but it's fun.
Mm, there's Jarmusch.
All right, let's go.
All right? Look at that hair.
God I love that.
- Jim.
- Hey, George.
This is I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
We just met.
Miriam.
Nice to meet you.
George Christopher.
- And this is Jonathan Ames.
- Hello.
- Ah, the man I want to meet.
- It's very nice to meet you.
Would you excuse us? We have some business to talk over.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Are those hummingbirds? Oh, yes.
Yeah, they're dipping their beaks into flowers.
I love them.
What was your name again? Miriam.
So I really loved your novel dark, funny, perverted, beautiful.
You must really suffer from the terrifying clarity of your vision.
Thank you.
I do suffer.
Thank you.
Take a look at this screenplay.
I kind of dashed it off.
It's about the New York poet Frank O'Hara.
He had a beautiful nose like a boxer.
Yeah, I know.
I love his nose.
He got run over by a dune buggy on Fire Island.
Anyway, I'd like you to think about doing a rewrite on this.
- George has my number.
- Great.
Thank you so much for this opportunity.
I love your work and I can't wait to read this.
Thanks.
Oh, did you have this script made just for me? My name's on the cover.
Well, you know, now when you give someone a script to read it's kind of standard practice to laser print their name on every page.
Oh, I see.
Well, this is not a big deal, but my name is misspelled.
There's no "O" at the end.
It's "Jonathan," not "Jonathon.
" Yeah, man, I don't know.
It's not really important.
But call me tomorrow and it's really great to meet you.
- Great to meet you.
- Thanks, Jonathan.
Thank you, Jim Jarmusch.
- Whew.
- Do you know Jim Jarmusch? Uh, yeah.
He's my favorite director of all time.
His films are like poems that come to life.
It's really interesting that you should say that.
The film that we might work on together is actually sort of about that.
You're gonna work with Jim Jarmusch? Yeah.
(dance music playing) I don't want to go to a bar on Smith Street.
Let's just go back to my place.
I live with my dad, but he'll be out tonight.
We can have a drink there.
Okay, what year again are you at NYU? - Senior.
- Senior? Okay.
Wait, so you're 22, right? I'm going to be soon.
I'm 21.
You don't think I'm too old, do you? I'm 30.
I've been with guys older than you.
But are you a man or a boy? Well, what's the difference? With a man you feel like you're being taken and you like it.
And with a boy you feel like they're stealing something from you and you don't like it.
Huh.
This is it.
Thank you.
Shit, my dad is home already.
We can go to Seventh Avenue and grab a drink.
No, we'll go in his office.
It's fun in there.
Wow, it's a beautiful brownstone.
Oh, your dad's a therapist? Yeah, he's a pain in the ass.
He thinks he's the Carl Jung of Brooklyn.
I like Carl Jung.
Not when he's your dad and he acts like your diary is part of the collective unconscious.
Wait.
Sorry, I keep thinking about people sitting on this couch talking about being sexually abused.
That's what makes it fun.
Oh.
You're a good kisser.
Am I a manly kisser? Yeah.
Do you want to go to my prom with me? NYU has proms? Oh, shit.
I'm drunk.
I should be honest with you.
I don't go to NYU.
Where do you go? Hunter? St.
Anne's.
The high school? How old are you? - Old enough.
- Wait wait wait.
You want me to go to your senior prom, right? You're 18? - No, junior prom.
- You're 17? - 16.
- 16 years old? But I'll be 17 in two weeks.
You're 16? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Don't freak out.
I haven't been a virgin for almost a year.
I probably know more about sex than you do.
I know plenty about sex, okay? That doesn't matter.
You said you were 21 years old.
There's a big difference between 21 and 16.
Look, I'm sorry.
You're beautiful, but I have to leave.
I feel really guilty.
I wish I had met you in high school.
I wouldn't have liked you then.
That's true.
If you really have to go I want to give you something to remember me by.
And you can tell Jim he can put me in his movie.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
No no.
Dad! What the hell is going on here? No, please.
That's right.
Run, you little shit! Oh, shit, the script.
- You're gonna go to your mother's.
- You don't understand me.
I don't want to understand you.
You're gonna go to your mother's.
You can't deal with being attracted to your own daughter.
Do not try to pull transference on me.
I invented transference.
(screams) I called the girl, but she's already in Connecticut with her mom so she can't get the screenplay.
What the hell am I gonna do? You gotta break into that place.
I can't break into a therapy office.
Why? What difference does it make that it's a therapy office? - You gotta get in there.
- No, it's not possible.
George is gonna kill me and so is Jim Jarmusch.
Well, they can't both kill you.
Look, just call the dad and ask for it.
He will shoot me.
She's only 16 years old well, nearly 17.
Nearly 17.
You didn't sodomize her, did you? - No.
- That's too bad.
You gotta be careful.
A lot of things fall under sodomy.
I wonder if kissing is sodomy.
Don't say that.
Okay, I need to get this screenplay.
I'm supposed to call Jim Jarmusch today and tell him what I think.
Just ignore it.
Don't answer your phone.
That's what I would do.
But I don't want it to blow over.
I want this.
I can't work on my novel.
I need this job.
What about you go to the therapist as a patient? Why? I don't need help.
No, it's not about that.
It's about getting the script.
You could act like you've lost control and then just stick your hand behind the couch, grab the thing and flee.
Why don't you do that? Because I'm too close to the whole situation.
I'll blow it.
Please.
I'll pay for the therapy, give you 50 bucks and buy you dinner at Sammy's Romanian.
I do like Sammy's.
Okay, yeah.
I mean, Leah has been trying to get me to go to therapy and maybe this way she'll get off my back and onto hers.
What? What did I say? Uh, Jonathan found a therapist that he likes and I'm gonna go just like you said, so then we'll, you know Great, 'cause once you go for a few months and learn the language we can go for couples' counseling.
So what should I talk about in there? The guy already thinks I'm nuts asking for a suicidal emergency meeting.
No, that's fine.
Just throw a fit, pull back the couch, grab the script and run out of there.
That is the worst plan ever.
I gotta warm up before I flip out.
I gotta lull the guy in.
If I go nuts immediately he might try to throw a straitjacket on me or something.
That's true.
Maybe I'll come up with some fake issues like I overeat You sort of do, don't you? - Don't be rude.
- Sorry.
or maybe talk about how Leah never wants to have sex with me.
Well, that sounds like another real issue.
Do you want my help or not? Yes, I'm sorry.
Okay, that's the place right there.
Okay, I'll see you in an hour or 50 minutes.
Ray, thank you for saving my life.
I'll wait for you here by this tree.
Okay, thank you, Boo Radley.
Hey, where's the screenplay? I didn't get it.
I forgot, I'm sorry.
The session was too much.
What the hell happened in there? He gutted me like a fish.
He said I was so cut off from my feelings that everyone in my life would die without knowing that I ever really loved them.
God, that's terrible.
I'm sorry.
- I want to go home.
- Okay.
I want a beer.
I want an ice-cream sandwich.
I want to take a nap.
And then I'm going to get (sobbing) I want to read a comic book.
I want to watch "Little House on the Prairie" and I want a vodka.
Well, this is the biggest screw-up ever.
How old was the girl? 14? No no, 16, nearly 17.
Oh, well, that's not so bad.
Polanski was much worse.
Polanski? You have got to get this screenplay back.
Jarmusch is gonna blame me.
I'm sorry, George.
I think you did this on purpose.
You self-sabotaged.
Woman: George, are you coming back to bed? I'm lonely.
In a minute.
Put on the TV.
Who's in there? Miriam from the other night.
She's not Priscilla, but she's wonderful.
You know, I'm very oral nowadays.
I feel like I'm half man, half infant.
George, please.
I watch TV all the time.
Hi, Jonathan.
Hi.
I'll be right in.
You look absolutely beautiful.
So do you.
God.
(laughs) She makes me feel like I'm 50 again.
Now I'm feeling oral.
Okay, all right, look, you gotta work this out.
I don't want Jarmusch pissed off at me.
But how am I gonna get the script back? I don't know.
I'm gonna have to give you tough love.
You did this.
You clean it up.
Miriam: George, please.
(chuckles) (exhales) I'm proud of you for going to therapy.
I'm sorry, I can't tonight.
That guy eviscerated me.
My penis is totally recessed.
What? When I was a little kid I used to like to push my penis in to make it look like it disappeared.
Today that happened all by itself.
(whimpers) Okay.
So I'm not the kind of therapist that pussyfoots around.
I like to dig in fast and I give feedback.
Stop fidgeting.
What are you doing with your arm? Nothing.
I'm just nervous.
Put your hands in your lap.
Focus.
Sit up.
Good posture sends positive messages to the brain.
We're here to work.
So what are your issues? Give them to me.
Well, I am sad about this breakup I just went through.
- She left you? - Yes.
And now you feel rejected and unlovable and you can't understand why she no longer loves you? - Yes.
- You do know that she is not the only source of love for you in the world? But I want her love.
We don't get everything we want in life.
We don't get to ever love.
That's it.
End of story.
Next issue.
Oh.
Okay, well, I'm a writer and I've been struggling to write my second novel.
I'm thinking about moving over to writing screenplays.
- Have you? - Not yet.
Okay, well, let's talk about the second novel then.
Was your father competitive with you growing up, didn't like your mother showing you too much attention? Mm, a little.
He never complimented me.
And whenever I hugged my mother he said that it disturbed him to see me acting like a mama's boy.
Well, simple then you can't write a second book because you're afraid to hurt your father.
It's a classic Oedipal setup.
But how is writing my novel being like Oedipus? Because in doing so you will surpass your father.
Oedipus killed his father and slept with his mother.
Success for you is like murder.
But you are not a murderer.
Hmm.
Well, thank you.
So what should I do? Just know that you're allowed to write a second book and your father won't be hurt.
And if he is, fuck him.
But I love my dad.
Well, then don't write a second novel and don't come whining to me.
Next issue.
Put the hands in the lap.
Focus.
Next issue.
All right.
I put up this thing on Craigslist advertising myself as an unlicensed private detective.
- I've had a few cases.
- So what's the problem? Is it wrong? I do say I'm unlicensed.
Sounds to me like you're leading a double life.
I think that I am.
I'm like a Russian doll.
There's all these versions of me in me.
There's only one you and he's running away from his life.
Oedipus, you know, was the first detective in literature.
He uncovered mysteries to find out who he was.
I'm sorry, so let me just get this straight I'm not gonna get my girlfriend back; I'm afraid to write my second novel; and I'm a 21st-century Oedipus? - Yes.
- Hmm.
But there is one other thing.
I know why you're really here.
I'm not an idiot, you know.
Your name is on every page.
Well, I would have used a false name when I made the appointment but my insurance are sticklers and - so you know about me and Claudia? - Yes.
And you're not mad? I thought she was 21.
We did only kiss.
She's very mature for her age.
I promise you I only kissed her.
I'm not mad at you.
My daughter is precocious and wild like my ex-wife.
She likes to sleep with boys in my office Electra complex.
So I don't blame you.
Thank you, but we did only kiss.
Also I don't mix my personal life and my work life.
This office is my professional domain, a sanctuary where clients can be safe.
And you're a client, even though you're here under false pretenses.
- I'm sorry.
- But outside these doors I would cease to be a therapist.
- I would become a father.
- I understand.
Considering the circumstances, I want to end the session now.
Thank you.
So why were you so hell-bent on getting this script back? Well, because I have a chance to work with Jim Jarmusch.
And if I do, my whole life could change.
Sounds like an illusion to me.
Lives don't change.
We simply become more comfortable with our core misery, which is a form of happiness.
Right.
Thank you for being so understanding about everything.
- One last thing.
- Yeah? If you go near my daughter again I'll break your fucking neck! (groans) (pants) (groans) Same time next week? Hey, Jonathan.
I'm glad you found me.
(toots horn) This is where I do my best thinking.
Yes, the place is great.
Jim Mr.
Jarmusch, your assistant said you were here.
Sorry to intrude, but I read the script which I love and I've got a lot of good ideas about what to do.
Oh, man, that's too bad, you know.
When I didn't hear from you yesterday I called Charlie Kaufman.
He's been sitting on this script for, like, two months.
He finally read it and he wants to do the revisions.
But I've got a lot of good thoughts.
I'm really sorry about this, you know, but I can't say no to Charlie Kaufman.
But you know what? I'll keep you in mind if something comes up.
I do make a new film, like, every four years or so.
You should write another book, man.
I'd definitely read it.
(sighs) (toots horn) (theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.