Bottom (1991) s01e03 Episode Script

Right Eddie comes in, takes off his coat, body odour takes off his hat, sits down to eat his tea, sees the note, sees me.
Shock! Rescue, rescue, rescue! Remorse, remorse! Guilt, guilt, guilt! Whirlwind of self-loathing, and Eddie buys me a drink! Fiendish! - Hello, Eddie.
- Bugger off! Hard day at the office? Yes! I spent an hour with Mrs Longbottom, an hour and a half with that bitch, Mrs Pugh, I spent six hours looking for the supervisor, and when I found him, he cut off my dole! - I've got too many savings! - How much have you got? £11.
80! He says that will keep me going for at least two months.
You really are pathetic! You haven't held down a steady job since 1978! You only held that down for ten minutes! Bunny girl I told you to keep your trousers on.
It was like watching a bullfight! We've got £11.
80 for two months? No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade"! - What?! - It's an investment.
I got it for £1.
50, and originally it only cost a shilling.
The value of these things is sky-rocketing! That's pre-decimalisation.
They'll all have their pants on! - I'll look after this.
- No! This is my investment.
- I'll show it to my grandchildren.
- Pardon? This is a genuine first edition of "Parade"! It's still in its cellophane wrapper! It doesn't matter how you art it up, it's still a "jazz" mag! That's what they said to Michelangelo about the Sistine Chapel! It's not! The Sistine Chapel is art.
They'd have said, "Blimey, nice painting, Mr Angelo.
"That's what I call art, and it's not porny!" It bloody well is dirty! Those three birds on the third pillar from the left with the blue ribbon! Some of the things they're doing would make your nose bleed! It's in the history of art book.
Where is it? - Leave that.
Let's have dinner.
- It's in your study area.
It's fallen open at the exact page! Extraordinary! It's done it again! Well, I've been studying that picture.
Been studying it quite a lot, have you, while you're alone in the house? - How dare you accuse me of masturbating? - Who said anything about that? I just said it's odd how it always falls open at that precise page! You know that's the picture I always look at when I'm having a wa £11.
80 was all we had for the next two months! How will I feed the children? - We haven't got any children.
- I was talking metaphorically.
You're talking bollocks! Don't use that language here, my lad.
What, English? The language of the guttersnipe! The language of the toilet! The language of the green things you yank till a yellow dangly thing comes out! Every day, yakkety bloody yak! On and on and on, day in, day out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear! JUST STOP TALKING! - You may hate me, Eddie - Yes, I do.
but you can't live without me, can you? Off you go, gallivanting around the countryside, squandering all our money on rhythm magazines, then you swan in here and expect your dinner on the table.
I don't know why I do it, but I've managed to throw together a slap-up dinner for two for no money at all! All the ingredients in our meal have either been grown, found or foraged.
Oh, dear! So, hey Hey, Eddie! I forgive you.
Come and have your din-dins! What's wrong with these beans? What do you mean? They're fresh.
I grew those in the window box.
They've got black bits on them.
It's just a couple of greenfly! They're dead now.
They were under the grill for ages.
I watched them pop.
- What's this? - It's a turnip! - Are you missing the label - Why is it black? It's been grilled! They have a real texture, don't they? Fresh vegetables! It's a totally different experience! - Grilled lettuce?! - No, that's bacon! It's green! Yeah? This is disgusting! Are you gonna blow your 30 pence on a slap-up grill down the Savoy? Pass the tea.
What's this? Elm tea! The gypsies swear by it.
I bet they do! I bet they say, "What the bloody hell's this?!" God, it's like living with Lena Zavaroni! You can taste the bark, can't you! Perhaps a little less wood next time.
- Is there any pudding? - Yes, plenty of pud.
Right, I'm off.
At least there's something fantastic on telly tonight! I've been looking forward to this! - You can't watch that.
- Why not? I want to watch something on the other side.
It's my favourite programme.
The highest score This is your favourite programme? What is it? A documentary.
And there's a car, great! It's a documentary about fat old women! - Are you on it, then? - Ha, ha, ha Hysterical! Heart-stoppingly funny! You really should be on Channel 4! No, ITV.
That's the channel for me.
Nothing to worry about and plenty of sauce! What edifying programme have the light channel prepared that I'm not going to let us watch? - "Miss World", actually.
- How disgusting! the precision of the measurement of aggregate change Nice statistic! Cor! can monitor pain at an individual level Get out of my house! - I beg your pardon? - You heard! - No, I didn't.
- I'm not saying it twice! I can't do anything about it, then, can I? This is my house, so get out! You can't do this.
I've got rights.
I pay rent! I've never actually seen any money! Well, I've been busy.
How much is it? 11,645 pounds and 66 new pence.
- I've got 30p.
- You'd better get out of my house, then! It's your aunt's house.
For the purpose of this conversation, I AM my aunt.
Hello, Mabel! Is she here? Shit, hide the fags! Hello, Auntie! Right, that's it.
Get out! I shall go, Mabel, but I ought to warn you that if your nephew reads any more art magazines, he may go blind.
Good day to you, madam! Good riddance to bad rubbish! That was clever! First, number 16, Miss Dominican Republic.
Maria is only 19 years old.
I'm sorry, Richie.
You're the tops.
Let's have another cup of that delicious elm tea! It's either that or nasty Linda.
This isn't very sexy, is it? Look at the knockers on that one.
They're minute! That because that's Michael Buerk! He's not very saucy, is he? I'm all for educational programmes.
I just think they could sex 'em up a bit.
What do you think, Richie? This is so silly! Just because the TV got jammed on to the light channel during the fall, and my trousers fell down due to heavy housework Richie, don't even try it.
Just put the TV back on to "Miss World" and we'll say no more about it! - We'll say no more about it? - No.
Now go away! I'll just go away over here in my going away place.
And here I am in my going away place on my own.
It's a bit of a loose end for me.
I'll just tidy away the dinner things.
Yes, just tidy away the dinner that I cooked and nobody ate! I'll just throw away the vegetables on to that man.
All the vegetables I spent all day grilling, off they go! - God's thinking, "What a good" - I'm warning you! If you don't shut up, I'll stuff your head up your bum! You'll spend the rest of your life on all fours, looking for the light switch! OK.
A cup of tea Cor, they don't write tunes like that any more! It's just I'm just a very lonely person.
I'm not bloody surprised! Great.
"Miss World"! Cor! Cracking birds, aren't they? Do you know how many birds there are in the world? Yeah.
About three billion.
Do you know how many of those I've slept with? None.
Statistically, that's quite phenomenal.
Not for an ugly fat bastard like you.
I wonder what sort of great bird would suit me? A blind one? A blind, deaf masochist, really.
I suppose you're right.
I was born at the wrong time.
I'm more sort of Elizabethan.
You know, 13th century.
Shakespeare, the French Revolution.
I'm just too intelligent, that's my problem.
Shit! I didn't expect the kettle to be hot! God, life's horrible! Why haven't I got a girlfriend? I'd look great with a girlfriend! I've never had a girlfriend.
Perhaps I'm the new Messiah.
Yeah Maybe that's it.
Get up and walk.
Fifty quid.
Thanks.
Throw away your sticks.
Bonk! April fool! God, I'm bored! There's the phone.
We haven't had a phone conversation all night.
I'm great on the phone! Hello? Great! Hi! Greater! Lieutenant Sex Machine.
Homicide.
Yeah, what time? I'll nail this sick mother, even if the DA takes my badge.
Chief, just give me 24 hours! God, I wish I knew what all that meant! Dring Oh! Dring, dring Oh! Dring Oh! Hello? Who is this? Just don't hurt the kid, OK? Eddie! It's him again! He's got Janey.
Switch on the tape recorder! How much do you want? Forty million billion squillion zillion dollars? Are you crazy?! Oh, you are! Sorry.
I haven't got 40 million billion squillion zillion dollars.
Eddie blew our money on a second-hand copy of "Parade"! Hang on.
You had £11.
80.
You spent £1.
50 on the porn mag - Art pamphlet! - That is beside the point! £1.
50 from £11.
80 leaves £10.
30, and you've only got 30 p! Where's the other tenner, you grasping little Fagin? Sod off, you stupid fat git! Don't try and wriggle out of it by being all grown up! - What did you squander it on? - I put a bet on "Miss World".
You put a bet on "Miss World"? You put a bet on "Miss World"! Great! Phwoar! Richie, this is "Panorama".
Phwoar! Great! Which one's ours, old chum? - Miss China! - Where are you, my lovely? There she is! You haven't put our money on that old boiler, have you? Go on, me beauty! Mind the steps! That's a bit of a nasty tumble! - She can't even walk! - She's lost a couple of teeth! Spit 'em out! They'll never notice! Stop smiling, you stupid cow! There should be a lollipop man on that mouth, stopping the traffic! What possessed you to put our money on the "Thing from the Swamp"? I got odds of a thousand to one.
If she comes in ahead of the pack, we stand to make 10,000 quid! Imagine it - lying on a sun-drenched shore as the Caribbean laps at your feet, a scantily-clad maiden brings you your 17th large Tequila Sunrise and a slap-up grill for two! The way Quasimodo's going, we'll be lucky to get a wet weekend in Reigate! She's got a tattoo on her face! No, that's just a bit of blood.
Oh, Eddie Why didn't you bet on something decent like Miss America? The odds were five to one on! We'd have only made two quid! That's better than a tenner down the lav! What's wrong with the reception? It's your fault for knocking it over.
I hope there's not too much damage.
I'm sure the judges will take that into account.
What part of lovely China do you come from? - I can't understand her! - She's talking in Chinese.
I'll give it a bang.
You stupid git! There's ten grand riding on this! How do you do that? Richie, are you all right? Where are you? I'm over the other side of the room! I'm over here! This is me here.
Have we got any more fuse wire? It's in the kitchen drawer.
There's nothing in here.
That's the fridge.
Shit! The kettle's still hot! - Where is it? - Down here.
Aagh! I've done it again! That's three times now! God! There's no fuse wire in here! - Richie - What? - Hold this.
- What? Wagh! Oh! In third place, number 42, Miss Stick it back in! They're giving the result! No, Eddie, please! Argh! In second place, number 12, Miss America! That was the favourite! We're in with a chance! - I'm going to faint.
- It's exciting, isn't it? I can't hold it much longer! - Just another ten seconds.
- Please, it's your turn! - Shut your cakehole! - And the winner is - Go on.
Have a go.
It's fun! - Here it comes! number 37, Miss France! I don't believe it! It's a fix! - Did we win? - No, we lost.
Knackers! Richie, are you OK? Am I OK? No, I'm not bloody OK! Wait till I get my hands on you, you little bastard! Shit, that bloody kettle's still hot! God, life's horrible! Ten grand down the toilet and a scalded hand! Why does fate treat me like this? At least things can't get any worse! Aaagh! There we go.
Dab hand Eddie! That'll be 11,645 pounds and 66 new pence, or we could just call it quits on the rent, Richie!Richie? Richie? I'll take that as a yes, then, shall I? "Dear Eddie, by the time you read this, I will be dead.
"I know you will be feeling terribly guilty, but don't blame yourself, "although it really is your fault.
"If I was alive, I would forgive you, "but I'm not so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it.
Richard.
" Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman! Well, not even a good one.
Any old one would have done! Slap a wig on a "Speak Your Weight" machine and he'd have been happy! And now he's gone and done himself in! This ought to fetch a few quid! Who left the kitchen window open? Richard, you're alive! The amount of pain I'm in would suggest so! Hello, BBC! Put me through to the "Miss World" programme.
I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms! Well, put me through to ITV, then! Hello? Would you believe it?! It's just typical, isn't it? We're on the brink of winning £10,000, and some ugly frog bint scoops up all our hopes in her garlic-stained claw and discards them like some used tissue! That's very poetic, Richie! Sod off! Go on! Sod off! Get to soddery! It's all your fault! Sod off yourself, yer great fat git! It's me that just lost 10,000 quid! - Half of it was mine! - It bloody well was not! Do you think I'm going to lie around the sun-drenched Caribbean with dusky maidens fulfilling every sordid whim with a fat, blotchy white walrus lying next to me, blathering on about himself and spoiling the atmos? No, I'm bloody not! Thank you very much, Edward.
You learn something every day.
Today I learnt that you're a complete bastard! I think I might turn in now.
I feel so enriched Nighty-night, Eddie! Why can't we ever bloody win anything? Don't be stupid, Richie.
People like us aren't meant to win things.
What are we meant to do, then? Look, you get born, keep your head down and then you die - if you're lucky! Come on! There must be more to it than that! Well, there's the telly.
Well, there was.
Shall I switch the gas on? What do you mean? Go on.
Top yourself.
The telly's bust.
It'd be a good bit of entertainment! I know you're just trying to cheer me up! And you're right.
You have to laugh, don't you? Ha, ha, ha! No, you don't, really! It's no good.
I think I've reached my bottom.
What we couldn't have done with ten thousand grands! Well We couldn't have done anything.
You see I never put the bet on! I just said I did so that you'd insist we watch "Miss World".
Where's the missing tenner, then? I saw you picking your veg as I went out this morning, so I thought I'd better have a slap-up grill before I came home! Yum, yum!