Brass Eye (1997) s01e03 Episode Script
Science
- Hello, I'm Paul Troxx.
- And I'm Eve Pollard.
We're looking tonight at the appalling hazards of irresponsible weapons research.
Terrible cases have arisen in Siberia, where weapon chemicals are disrupting embryo organ precursor cells in pregnant women.
Precursor cells are the starting points for every part of the body but they can be chemically switched so they all make the same part.
Our undercover crew was shown this tragic case.
A woman had given birth to a two-foot testicle.
The gland was alive when we saw it and being kept warm in a cot.
With no mouth, the doctors knew it could not feed and they were convinced it could feel pain.
We were told it would live for two or three more days, all the time in chronic pain.
On a scale, say, one to 100 per cent, what percentage bad science is that? Oh, 100 per cent.
'Tonight on Brass Eye has science gone too far? Tonight: science in the dock.
Science, you are accused of going too far, of befouling, pollutement and the intoxifaction of men's minds.
Science has increased our understanding of suffering but has it really helped? This recent experiment into quadriplegia produced results that disturb.
We collected together a group of disabled people and placed various household objects around, some with quite tempting aromas, for example, a cup of Bovril.
What we found was that they would lunge secretly for the Bovril and quaff it.
I think they're not disabled at all, they're just incredibly lazy.
'Innocent or guilty? Is it right for scientists to play with time? We got two mice to give birth to a second.
And when I looked over, the clock on the wall was Well, it was throwing up.
There was a wonderful blue light everywhere.
Everybody noticed it.
And a sensation like, um, a yawn, going backwards inside you.
In June this year, the same men isolated and blew up a fortnight.
And I turned around and - whack - I was four miles down the road, Iying on my face next to a little tree that I hadn't been meant to be next to for about two weeks.
But does science take responsibility? Anything that went on in that fortnight - or out of it - was that fortnight's fault, not ours.
It was simply a bad fortnight.
Innocent or guilty? So is it any wonder people are afraid of technology? - Technology! - Oh, my God! And when science is on sale, it may be helping us but what about our children? Hi, I'm Accelorata Jengold and I'd like to tell you about the most effective weight-loss system in pregnancy.
The figure apocalypse that is pregnancy is a female tragedy that has at last been conquered by one man, Dr Balb Kubrox.
- Balb? - That's right.
Look at this little guy.
He's using my Gynaesium Womb Implant to exercise so his mom loses weight.
Activity is maintained with chemical stimulants and mechanical prods.
He can be made to flex 30 times a second.
But Gynaesium babies are often born snapped.
foetal exerciser that helps Junior tune ya.
Tonight, science is on trial.
Will it be found innocent or guilty? Innocent or guilty? 'Innocent or guilty? Innocent or guilty? Look, leave me alone, I'm trying to work it out, all right? Hello, I'm Tania Bryer and I'm here to tell you about a new space-saving farm idea.
This typical farm uses a lot of land, doesn't it? Now look at this.
It's a vertical tube farm capable of growing exactly the same amount as a 300-acre farm but on less than one square metre of land.
How? By growing crops and vegetables vertically.
Up to a mile into the air rather than wastefully taking up more land.
As available land space is swallowed up, simple, effective ideas like this are just what we need.
Some people say it would be vulnerable in a strong wind but who's to say there's going to be a strong wind? Vertical farms: good science at work.
Two weeks ago we uncovered a story of grotesque suffering at the hands of medical science.
Ted Maul went in search of those hands determined to smash their bones out with a little girder.
Loser Street - look at all the feckless dregs.
In this report you'll see them scream.
And hear unpleasant remarks from their persecutors.
- Fuck off! - You preyed on losers! A London alley.
A body.
Looks dead but it isn't.
It just wishes it was.
I took as many painkillers as I could but in the end, it was better to fight pain with pain.
I tried to kill myself with a lawn mower.
What happened to them sounds like something from the X-Files.
I was paid £500 to have a limb grafted on my body.
Only this is real and touches you in a way that voguish fiction wouldn't begin to understand.
These aren't isolated cases.
In the last year, numbers rose dramatically.
Conservative estimates said 1,500.
It works like this: you lose your money, you reply to one of these ads and are persuaded to sell your body to grow extra organs for transplant clinics.
The deal that I struck was to grow 150 lips on my chest.
- For? - £6 a lip.
They'll even do you a deal on the phone.
I'm out of wampum, I spazzed it all on a horse.
I was offered 500 quid to grow a stomach full of shoulders.
It could have been worse.
When city analyst Helly Melvick hit the skids, she agreed to earn just £600 for a year of agony, growing balls on her back.
It's like someone sticking a sabre into you and screwing it around day and night for six months.
Fuck me.
The organs are then harvested and sold on for huge profit.
Who's behind this wretched usury? Look no further than surgeons by royal appointment, Hugh Spofforth and Paul Godmanchester, at London's top whack quack shack, the Bounty Clinic.
These bread-heads don't give a flying kak about the pain they cause.
So how would they respond to a foot in the door? Why have you messed these people up? - Fuck off.
- You preyed on losers.
Dr Spofforth, you're preying on losers.
Yes! The personal organiser revealed a chain of rich clients.
Donald Trump has received over seven feet of new tongue.
Even Saddam Hussein has an access - he's obsessed with having white lady's wrists.
We also discovered this man is incubating over 700 livers.
Scenting blood, we set up surveillance on their office and waited till they returned.
I've just monkeyed my way up the building.
I'm going to smash the window.
Come here, you fucking louse! I've got a question for you.
What are you gonna do about those people? - You're on camera! - Oh, yes! There's a camera here and here.
- Yeah! - Was it just the money? - "Was it just the money?" - Was it just the money? - Come on.
- You won't get away with this.
It's not cool to be weird.
You won't get away with this.
- Grow up! Go on.
- You're just being weird.
Argh! The creeps may have scarpered but they forgot the golden rule.
If you're gonna jerk with Brass Eye, don't leave your poncey drop-top roller skate parked outside.
'What's for pudding? Disturbing developments in embryo research.
Let's have a look at this, right? Normal-looking crab, pregnant with a human foetus.
What is the point of that? What's the argument for it? It's cultivating foetuses outside the womb as the crab has a circulation system that can feed it.
But so many improvements in society have been brought about by experiments on animals.
- But that?! - No, outrageous.
Indefensible.
- We're saying right or wrong? - Wrong for that.
When we asked the scientist responsible "Why are you doing that?" his reaction was pretty much What do you do when somebody does that? - That's the way people are.
- I know, I know.
Hello, I'm Tania Bryer, this time, I'm afraid, with some unpleasant truths.
Look at the sky.
Doesn't look like it's full of problems, does it? But I've worked in weather and I know that it is.
I'm not talking about ozone, I'm talking about clouds because cloud damage is dramatically on the increase.
Due to industrial ultrabola carbons, true clouds are being replaced by mutant clouds Iike cirrus cirrius, jarbo nimbus and ulto-syphilis.
More and more, these are turning upside down and injecting their rain upwards into space.
A Nigerian farmer can't exactly go up there and get it back, can he? Tragically, if the water does fall downwards, it can turn into triple water which separates it into gases as it lands, blasting trees out of the ground and killing monkeys.
Perhaps the most disturbing effect is the disruption of rivers.
This is footage of the river Euphrates flowing backwards.
It looks like it's flowing forwards but only because we've reversed the film.
Heavy water deeply confuses river flow systems.
Just last month, two rivers got completely lost and were found wandering about the southern oceans.
Sadly, bad clouds equals bad science.
So how far has the blight of bad science spread? According to the latest scandal, even as far as science classics like the Apollo moon landing.
Alabaster Codify reports from across the big pond they call the Atlantic Ocean.
It's 1969 and the world watches three heroes alone in space.
Or was it four? Who is the yelper on this tape? The 0836 Whimper was first put down to atmospheric retching but new evidence suggests the sound was made by this man, Peacecap Johnson, a sub-mental who died last week at the asylum where he'd lived for 27 years.
It's claimed a box of letters found under his bed, many from Buzz Aldrin, prove that Johnson was the fourth man on 11.
From these guys right now, it's no Apoll-a but an ex-operative defied NASA to tell us que pasa.
Johnson, who was codenamed Sleeping Beauty, was a man of very low intelligence.
He never understood what was going on.
'Johnson's job was to act as on-board sex receptacle.
'Sleeping Beauty was trained to present his posterior to a hole whenever the crew required relief.
Distorted sex drive in orbit has long been a sticky knoblem.
'On Gemini, John Young raped and ate two experimental monkeys.
Experiments with horses failed, women were deemed too silly for space, so what man would be the ass in NASA? 'He had to be a zero-watt bulb.
He won the Stupidest Boy in the County Fair three years running.
'The 0836 Whimper is Johnson's giant squeak for mankind at the hands of a frustrated Collins.
He took out his frustration on Johnson.
It's what psychiatrists would call a bully ramming.
'By contrast, Aldrin used Johnson gently and they forged a bond that saved Johnson's life.
Lose Beauty, lose Beauty.
When Houston required Johnson to be ejected into space, Aldrin refused.
'- Beauty must be lost.
- 'I repeat, I can't do that.
Once down, Johnson was whisked to a shut-up-and-eat home where his daffy moontalk seemed like any other booby babble.
I want Buzz to come back and clean my dirty with his soapy fish.
The astronauts are now in hiding and will only issue statements through an animal.
But Aldrin's letters make that testimony irrelevant.
They abound with muted references to sex acts, written in a plaintive tone that suggests a present yearning.
This is Alabaster Codify for 10NN on the new buzz about Buzz, the bum buzzard.
Did he fly in a rocket or fly up a socket? Hello, Tamara Beckwith here, at last with some good science.
This is a light-saving brick.
Inside, there are millions of tiny boxes, mirrored on the inside.
During the day, light goes into each tiny box and is trapped, where it remains bouncing around.
When it goes dark - a good example of this is night - turning this knob removes the tops of the boxes and the light leaps out.
The light-saving brick.
It saves light.
What can be done to keep bad science at bay? All too often it's left to the little people.
Austen Tassletine reports.
The little people really don't come much littler than this.
They're GEFAFWISP and they've launched this campaign against the evil of heavy electricity.
Hello, I'm Richard Briers.
I want to tell you about GEFAFWISP and heavy electricity.
GEFAFWISP is the Global Ensortium For A First World Initiative on Scientific Practice, self-explanatory really.
Heavy electricity is a bit trickier.
It's caused by particle accelerators sending huge jolts of power into domestic power lines.
These knock the electricity back into its wild state, which is much heavier due to flattened electrons.
The devastating result is that masses of heavy electricity start falling out of wires and crashing onto anything below.
This gives you some idea.
Basically, it's like being hit by a ton of invisible lead soup.
In the Sri Lankan village of Upuveli, inhabitants are suffering heavy electricity attacks even as I speak.
Can we stand around and eat pies while they're flattened like flies, swatted by the tail of a mad, invisible horse? Of course not.
You, me and GEFAFWISP must contact the Sri Lankan embassy and let them know just how shoddy this all is.
If you're in any doubt, shut your eyes and imagine a child you know being hit on the head by a ton of invisible lead soup.
What's invisible lead soup? Non-scientific contributors checked all the facts Wobbly matter? before ramming home the dreadful urgency.
Heavy electricity is regularly flattening cattle in Sri Lanka.
Afterwards, the poor beasts look like giant, fur-covered slugs thrashing about on their backs and made of what scientists call "wobbly matter".
I won't go into it here but basically it's caused by sodomised electrons, which rush to the cow's head end.
Now, just apply that to a young girl human.
Well, it's an appalling thought, isn't it? Gita is 15 years old and because of heavy electricity, she is only eight inches tall.
Now, just imagine that.
She can't speak but she must feel quite dreadful.
15 years old and only, what, this tall.
'Sometimes pure physical aggression was the only way.
Let me show you what's going on.
Here is Upuveli, villagers and animals, many small children.
Think how soft they are, no exoskeleton, no horny old skin like the village elders.
And here is the particle accelerator, firing out huge, irresponsible jolts of power.
The heavy electricity can wreak its ghastly havoc at any minute raining down tons of invisible lead soup but lead soup that can bounce destructively around Iike a hellish power ball! So, more accurately, it's a cross between a ton of lead soup and a power ball, smashing animals, for example.
Smashing people.
That could be your mother.
All because these bloody idiots aren't doing their job properly.
So, what's to be done? Write to the Sri Lankan embassy, expressing your acute displeasure.
Ask them how they'd feel having their brain mashed by invisible lead soup.
All you have to do is just take a pen and sign it.
Yours sincerely, Steven Berkoff.
Explaining the problem is one thing, knowing what to do quite another.
GEFAFWISP had expert advice.
Richard Branson has sent out these plugs with his beaming face on them, that are being used locally.
And there's a man, with this huge hammer, who's banging on the pipes trying to relieve the pressure on the grid.
It's called percussive counter induction and he's already held back a massive wall of heavy electricity for about an hour, allowing some children and six pigs to escape.
You could do that, for God's sake.
The squashed people of Upuveli are more important than the inconvenience of you banging a hammer for two days in Sri Lanka.
Public broadcasts help.
'We're doing a special video about heavy electricity With backing from shock-jock Caeser the Geezer, failure for GEFAFWISP looked impossible.
The sad truth about heavy electricity is that people in power are too afraid to rock the boat when it comes to helping people and helping certain situations.
I say to that, "Bollocks.
" It's time somebody got off their fat arse and did something.
They actually say to me there's no such thing as heavy electricity, that electricity couldn't fall out of wires.
What a load of old crap.
And what is even more annoying is that they say that GEFAFWISP is a made-up name.
It's a fabulous organisation.
Do you realise if heavy electricity falls from these headphones, not only would it blow my head off but it would cut me in half? If a caller calls my show and they're on the phone and they're affected by heavy electricity, they could be blown 100 feet away.
That is the dangers of heavy electricity.
If you are an MP or somebody in a powerful organisation and you are listening to me now, let me say this - I have a lot of television and radio shows and a big audience.
Do something about it, otherwise I'll do something about it.
Sadly, GEFAFWISP has yet to receive a single reply from the Sri Lankan embassy.
So what is the verdict on science? Please stand.
What is the verdict? I'm afraid there is no verdict because all the jury have died of pollution.
Oh, once happy bauble, twisting on the bliss twig of ignoramy, you were suddenly plunged into the braintanglia of rudemath and with what shocking results.
Has the earth been reduced to an odious space gland? Is this what we've done to ourselves? Good Christ, I hope not.
Good night.
Jenny Powell here, with an urgent GEFAFWISP PS.
Great Britain could be struck by heavy electricity too.
Top scientists have just proved that six flattened cars and two stunted children were caused by a fall of heavy electricity in Cumbria last year.
This also pushed the peak of the big mountain Helvellyn 25 metres below sea level.
Now, scientists calculate that a massive outburst of heavy electricity could just push the British Isles totally under the water.
I should say the chances are negligible, about 20-1, but the point remains.
If this were to happen, and this is a big if, then it's conceivable that the north of the country will tip downwards like a heavy land rock, catapulting the southeast towards Finland.
So please, let our government know that heavy electricity will not be tolerated here or anywhere else.
Cut! That's it.
Perfect.
- And I'm Eve Pollard.
We're looking tonight at the appalling hazards of irresponsible weapons research.
Terrible cases have arisen in Siberia, where weapon chemicals are disrupting embryo organ precursor cells in pregnant women.
Precursor cells are the starting points for every part of the body but they can be chemically switched so they all make the same part.
Our undercover crew was shown this tragic case.
A woman had given birth to a two-foot testicle.
The gland was alive when we saw it and being kept warm in a cot.
With no mouth, the doctors knew it could not feed and they were convinced it could feel pain.
We were told it would live for two or three more days, all the time in chronic pain.
On a scale, say, one to 100 per cent, what percentage bad science is that? Oh, 100 per cent.
'Tonight on Brass Eye has science gone too far? Tonight: science in the dock.
Science, you are accused of going too far, of befouling, pollutement and the intoxifaction of men's minds.
Science has increased our understanding of suffering but has it really helped? This recent experiment into quadriplegia produced results that disturb.
We collected together a group of disabled people and placed various household objects around, some with quite tempting aromas, for example, a cup of Bovril.
What we found was that they would lunge secretly for the Bovril and quaff it.
I think they're not disabled at all, they're just incredibly lazy.
'Innocent or guilty? Is it right for scientists to play with time? We got two mice to give birth to a second.
And when I looked over, the clock on the wall was Well, it was throwing up.
There was a wonderful blue light everywhere.
Everybody noticed it.
And a sensation like, um, a yawn, going backwards inside you.
In June this year, the same men isolated and blew up a fortnight.
And I turned around and - whack - I was four miles down the road, Iying on my face next to a little tree that I hadn't been meant to be next to for about two weeks.
But does science take responsibility? Anything that went on in that fortnight - or out of it - was that fortnight's fault, not ours.
It was simply a bad fortnight.
Innocent or guilty? So is it any wonder people are afraid of technology? - Technology! - Oh, my God! And when science is on sale, it may be helping us but what about our children? Hi, I'm Accelorata Jengold and I'd like to tell you about the most effective weight-loss system in pregnancy.
The figure apocalypse that is pregnancy is a female tragedy that has at last been conquered by one man, Dr Balb Kubrox.
- Balb? - That's right.
Look at this little guy.
He's using my Gynaesium Womb Implant to exercise so his mom loses weight.
Activity is maintained with chemical stimulants and mechanical prods.
He can be made to flex 30 times a second.
But Gynaesium babies are often born snapped.
foetal exerciser that helps Junior tune ya.
Tonight, science is on trial.
Will it be found innocent or guilty? Innocent or guilty? 'Innocent or guilty? Innocent or guilty? Look, leave me alone, I'm trying to work it out, all right? Hello, I'm Tania Bryer and I'm here to tell you about a new space-saving farm idea.
This typical farm uses a lot of land, doesn't it? Now look at this.
It's a vertical tube farm capable of growing exactly the same amount as a 300-acre farm but on less than one square metre of land.
How? By growing crops and vegetables vertically.
Up to a mile into the air rather than wastefully taking up more land.
As available land space is swallowed up, simple, effective ideas like this are just what we need.
Some people say it would be vulnerable in a strong wind but who's to say there's going to be a strong wind? Vertical farms: good science at work.
Two weeks ago we uncovered a story of grotesque suffering at the hands of medical science.
Ted Maul went in search of those hands determined to smash their bones out with a little girder.
Loser Street - look at all the feckless dregs.
In this report you'll see them scream.
And hear unpleasant remarks from their persecutors.
- Fuck off! - You preyed on losers! A London alley.
A body.
Looks dead but it isn't.
It just wishes it was.
I took as many painkillers as I could but in the end, it was better to fight pain with pain.
I tried to kill myself with a lawn mower.
What happened to them sounds like something from the X-Files.
I was paid £500 to have a limb grafted on my body.
Only this is real and touches you in a way that voguish fiction wouldn't begin to understand.
These aren't isolated cases.
In the last year, numbers rose dramatically.
Conservative estimates said 1,500.
It works like this: you lose your money, you reply to one of these ads and are persuaded to sell your body to grow extra organs for transplant clinics.
The deal that I struck was to grow 150 lips on my chest.
- For? - £6 a lip.
They'll even do you a deal on the phone.
I'm out of wampum, I spazzed it all on a horse.
I was offered 500 quid to grow a stomach full of shoulders.
It could have been worse.
When city analyst Helly Melvick hit the skids, she agreed to earn just £600 for a year of agony, growing balls on her back.
It's like someone sticking a sabre into you and screwing it around day and night for six months.
Fuck me.
The organs are then harvested and sold on for huge profit.
Who's behind this wretched usury? Look no further than surgeons by royal appointment, Hugh Spofforth and Paul Godmanchester, at London's top whack quack shack, the Bounty Clinic.
These bread-heads don't give a flying kak about the pain they cause.
So how would they respond to a foot in the door? Why have you messed these people up? - Fuck off.
- You preyed on losers.
Dr Spofforth, you're preying on losers.
Yes! The personal organiser revealed a chain of rich clients.
Donald Trump has received over seven feet of new tongue.
Even Saddam Hussein has an access - he's obsessed with having white lady's wrists.
We also discovered this man is incubating over 700 livers.
Scenting blood, we set up surveillance on their office and waited till they returned.
I've just monkeyed my way up the building.
I'm going to smash the window.
Come here, you fucking louse! I've got a question for you.
What are you gonna do about those people? - You're on camera! - Oh, yes! There's a camera here and here.
- Yeah! - Was it just the money? - "Was it just the money?" - Was it just the money? - Come on.
- You won't get away with this.
It's not cool to be weird.
You won't get away with this.
- Grow up! Go on.
- You're just being weird.
Argh! The creeps may have scarpered but they forgot the golden rule.
If you're gonna jerk with Brass Eye, don't leave your poncey drop-top roller skate parked outside.
'What's for pudding? Disturbing developments in embryo research.
Let's have a look at this, right? Normal-looking crab, pregnant with a human foetus.
What is the point of that? What's the argument for it? It's cultivating foetuses outside the womb as the crab has a circulation system that can feed it.
But so many improvements in society have been brought about by experiments on animals.
- But that?! - No, outrageous.
Indefensible.
- We're saying right or wrong? - Wrong for that.
When we asked the scientist responsible "Why are you doing that?" his reaction was pretty much What do you do when somebody does that? - That's the way people are.
- I know, I know.
Hello, I'm Tania Bryer, this time, I'm afraid, with some unpleasant truths.
Look at the sky.
Doesn't look like it's full of problems, does it? But I've worked in weather and I know that it is.
I'm not talking about ozone, I'm talking about clouds because cloud damage is dramatically on the increase.
Due to industrial ultrabola carbons, true clouds are being replaced by mutant clouds Iike cirrus cirrius, jarbo nimbus and ulto-syphilis.
More and more, these are turning upside down and injecting their rain upwards into space.
A Nigerian farmer can't exactly go up there and get it back, can he? Tragically, if the water does fall downwards, it can turn into triple water which separates it into gases as it lands, blasting trees out of the ground and killing monkeys.
Perhaps the most disturbing effect is the disruption of rivers.
This is footage of the river Euphrates flowing backwards.
It looks like it's flowing forwards but only because we've reversed the film.
Heavy water deeply confuses river flow systems.
Just last month, two rivers got completely lost and were found wandering about the southern oceans.
Sadly, bad clouds equals bad science.
So how far has the blight of bad science spread? According to the latest scandal, even as far as science classics like the Apollo moon landing.
Alabaster Codify reports from across the big pond they call the Atlantic Ocean.
It's 1969 and the world watches three heroes alone in space.
Or was it four? Who is the yelper on this tape? The 0836 Whimper was first put down to atmospheric retching but new evidence suggests the sound was made by this man, Peacecap Johnson, a sub-mental who died last week at the asylum where he'd lived for 27 years.
It's claimed a box of letters found under his bed, many from Buzz Aldrin, prove that Johnson was the fourth man on 11.
From these guys right now, it's no Apoll-a but an ex-operative defied NASA to tell us que pasa.
Johnson, who was codenamed Sleeping Beauty, was a man of very low intelligence.
He never understood what was going on.
'Johnson's job was to act as on-board sex receptacle.
'Sleeping Beauty was trained to present his posterior to a hole whenever the crew required relief.
Distorted sex drive in orbit has long been a sticky knoblem.
'On Gemini, John Young raped and ate two experimental monkeys.
Experiments with horses failed, women were deemed too silly for space, so what man would be the ass in NASA? 'He had to be a zero-watt bulb.
He won the Stupidest Boy in the County Fair three years running.
'The 0836 Whimper is Johnson's giant squeak for mankind at the hands of a frustrated Collins.
He took out his frustration on Johnson.
It's what psychiatrists would call a bully ramming.
'By contrast, Aldrin used Johnson gently and they forged a bond that saved Johnson's life.
Lose Beauty, lose Beauty.
When Houston required Johnson to be ejected into space, Aldrin refused.
'- Beauty must be lost.
- 'I repeat, I can't do that.
Once down, Johnson was whisked to a shut-up-and-eat home where his daffy moontalk seemed like any other booby babble.
I want Buzz to come back and clean my dirty with his soapy fish.
The astronauts are now in hiding and will only issue statements through an animal.
But Aldrin's letters make that testimony irrelevant.
They abound with muted references to sex acts, written in a plaintive tone that suggests a present yearning.
This is Alabaster Codify for 10NN on the new buzz about Buzz, the bum buzzard.
Did he fly in a rocket or fly up a socket? Hello, Tamara Beckwith here, at last with some good science.
This is a light-saving brick.
Inside, there are millions of tiny boxes, mirrored on the inside.
During the day, light goes into each tiny box and is trapped, where it remains bouncing around.
When it goes dark - a good example of this is night - turning this knob removes the tops of the boxes and the light leaps out.
The light-saving brick.
It saves light.
What can be done to keep bad science at bay? All too often it's left to the little people.
Austen Tassletine reports.
The little people really don't come much littler than this.
They're GEFAFWISP and they've launched this campaign against the evil of heavy electricity.
Hello, I'm Richard Briers.
I want to tell you about GEFAFWISP and heavy electricity.
GEFAFWISP is the Global Ensortium For A First World Initiative on Scientific Practice, self-explanatory really.
Heavy electricity is a bit trickier.
It's caused by particle accelerators sending huge jolts of power into domestic power lines.
These knock the electricity back into its wild state, which is much heavier due to flattened electrons.
The devastating result is that masses of heavy electricity start falling out of wires and crashing onto anything below.
This gives you some idea.
Basically, it's like being hit by a ton of invisible lead soup.
In the Sri Lankan village of Upuveli, inhabitants are suffering heavy electricity attacks even as I speak.
Can we stand around and eat pies while they're flattened like flies, swatted by the tail of a mad, invisible horse? Of course not.
You, me and GEFAFWISP must contact the Sri Lankan embassy and let them know just how shoddy this all is.
If you're in any doubt, shut your eyes and imagine a child you know being hit on the head by a ton of invisible lead soup.
What's invisible lead soup? Non-scientific contributors checked all the facts Wobbly matter? before ramming home the dreadful urgency.
Heavy electricity is regularly flattening cattle in Sri Lanka.
Afterwards, the poor beasts look like giant, fur-covered slugs thrashing about on their backs and made of what scientists call "wobbly matter".
I won't go into it here but basically it's caused by sodomised electrons, which rush to the cow's head end.
Now, just apply that to a young girl human.
Well, it's an appalling thought, isn't it? Gita is 15 years old and because of heavy electricity, she is only eight inches tall.
Now, just imagine that.
She can't speak but she must feel quite dreadful.
15 years old and only, what, this tall.
'Sometimes pure physical aggression was the only way.
Let me show you what's going on.
Here is Upuveli, villagers and animals, many small children.
Think how soft they are, no exoskeleton, no horny old skin like the village elders.
And here is the particle accelerator, firing out huge, irresponsible jolts of power.
The heavy electricity can wreak its ghastly havoc at any minute raining down tons of invisible lead soup but lead soup that can bounce destructively around Iike a hellish power ball! So, more accurately, it's a cross between a ton of lead soup and a power ball, smashing animals, for example.
Smashing people.
That could be your mother.
All because these bloody idiots aren't doing their job properly.
So, what's to be done? Write to the Sri Lankan embassy, expressing your acute displeasure.
Ask them how they'd feel having their brain mashed by invisible lead soup.
All you have to do is just take a pen and sign it.
Yours sincerely, Steven Berkoff.
Explaining the problem is one thing, knowing what to do quite another.
GEFAFWISP had expert advice.
Richard Branson has sent out these plugs with his beaming face on them, that are being used locally.
And there's a man, with this huge hammer, who's banging on the pipes trying to relieve the pressure on the grid.
It's called percussive counter induction and he's already held back a massive wall of heavy electricity for about an hour, allowing some children and six pigs to escape.
You could do that, for God's sake.
The squashed people of Upuveli are more important than the inconvenience of you banging a hammer for two days in Sri Lanka.
Public broadcasts help.
'We're doing a special video about heavy electricity With backing from shock-jock Caeser the Geezer, failure for GEFAFWISP looked impossible.
The sad truth about heavy electricity is that people in power are too afraid to rock the boat when it comes to helping people and helping certain situations.
I say to that, "Bollocks.
" It's time somebody got off their fat arse and did something.
They actually say to me there's no such thing as heavy electricity, that electricity couldn't fall out of wires.
What a load of old crap.
And what is even more annoying is that they say that GEFAFWISP is a made-up name.
It's a fabulous organisation.
Do you realise if heavy electricity falls from these headphones, not only would it blow my head off but it would cut me in half? If a caller calls my show and they're on the phone and they're affected by heavy electricity, they could be blown 100 feet away.
That is the dangers of heavy electricity.
If you are an MP or somebody in a powerful organisation and you are listening to me now, let me say this - I have a lot of television and radio shows and a big audience.
Do something about it, otherwise I'll do something about it.
Sadly, GEFAFWISP has yet to receive a single reply from the Sri Lankan embassy.
So what is the verdict on science? Please stand.
What is the verdict? I'm afraid there is no verdict because all the jury have died of pollution.
Oh, once happy bauble, twisting on the bliss twig of ignoramy, you were suddenly plunged into the braintanglia of rudemath and with what shocking results.
Has the earth been reduced to an odious space gland? Is this what we've done to ourselves? Good Christ, I hope not.
Good night.
Jenny Powell here, with an urgent GEFAFWISP PS.
Great Britain could be struck by heavy electricity too.
Top scientists have just proved that six flattened cars and two stunted children were caused by a fall of heavy electricity in Cumbria last year.
This also pushed the peak of the big mountain Helvellyn 25 metres below sea level.
Now, scientists calculate that a massive outburst of heavy electricity could just push the British Isles totally under the water.
I should say the chances are negligible, about 20-1, but the point remains.
If this were to happen, and this is a big if, then it's conceivable that the north of the country will tip downwards like a heavy land rock, catapulting the southeast towards Finland.
So please, let our government know that heavy electricity will not be tolerated here or anywhere else.
Cut! That's it.
Perfect.