Brews Brothers (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[chattering, laughing]
- [clinking]
- Whoo!
[whistling]
- [woman shouts]
- [man laughs]
God, look at this place. It is packed.
It's like they're giving away free beer.
Not to minors, they're not.
Will gives out tons of free beer.
We don't get crowds like this.
Look at that.
That is a woman breastfeeding her baby
while drinking a stout.
It's a brewmaster's dream come true.
I had a dream like that,
except I'm the baby and I don't care
what comes out that nipple.
Hey, that's why they're always trending
on Untappd.
- What?
- It's like Foursquare for beer.
What?
It's an app that lets users check in
at breweries and compare beers.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. I know that.
Do you even know what an app is?
It's a food item that comes
on a small plate
downloaded onto your phone.
Great.
So where are we on Untappd?
- It doesn't go down that far.
- Things are on the upswing. I can feel it.
Our beer is finally in restaurants,
and soon enough,
Rodman's is going to be
bigger than this place.
You know why?
We have a little secret weapon.
A barrel of hazardous chemicals
that the previous tenant left in the back.
No. The most baller location
in Los Angeles.
Van-fucking-Nuys!
Mmm!
Home of car dealerships and pawn shops.
Also porno shops
and full-release massage parlors
- I'm told.
- Guys, that is the beauty of it.
We're not gentrified,
and we never will be.
We're we're pre-hip,
and we'll never be hip,
which therefore is kind of cooler
than being hip.
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Aw, shit!
That guy was supposed to fix
the air conditioner today.
Oh, man, someone should have stayed behind
and let him in.
Chuy, that's you.
You are that someone.
You should have been there.
I should have done a lot of things, okay?
I should have worn underwear.
I should have punched air holes
in that suitcase.
Whatever. I'm gonna hang out
with the breastfeeding chick
and her little friend.
- That's her baby.
- [Chuy] You're a baby!
Did he just say "air holes"?
[theme music playing]
[bottle pops open]
[crowd chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- [Adam groans]
- [crowd cheering]
- [Adam] Ugh.
- [grunts]
- [man mutters]
- [woman] What the hell?
- [grumbles]
God. This place is horrible.
People laughing,
playing games, having fun.
It's bad. It's very bad in here.
I saw two people competing to see
who can drink beer the fastest.
Easy, Geeky Blinders.
Look around.
Everyone here's having a blast.
And this place is making so much money.
Ugh.
I would never condone this for Rodman's.
Here, try the avocado ale. It's the shit.
Goes down like water.
No, it is water,
and it goes down like shit.
No, thank you.
Why would I possibly want to violate
my taste buds like that?
- You brought your own beer?
- [sighs]
Of course I brought my own beer.
I'm not gonna drink swill, okay?
I'm gonna drink the best,
brewed by the best.
Seems like a lot of people like swill.
That's 'cause people
don't know anything.
You know, the best-selling car in America
is the Toyota Camry.
You don't see that car winning any awards.
I believe it won
Best-Selling Car in America.
- No, I don't think that's correct.
- How can you dispute that?
- Hi, hi. Excuse me, hi.
- Hi.
- Are you enjoying your beer?
- Yeah, it's great.
Oh, it's great. That's great.
You know, some breweries will add
adjunct flavors
to make their beer stand out.
And do you know
what some of those artificial adjuncts
break down to?
Formaldehyde.
But nothing to worry about.
The breakdown only happens
if you get above 68 degrees.
Ooh. It's a hot one today. Cheers!
That's not even true.
It's true enough.
Are you only happy if everyone else
is unhappy?
I'm not unhappy if other people
are unhappy.
What? Hey, no wonder this place
is so popular on Untapped.
They have a guaranteed line
of partygoers getting dropped off.
- Oh, what is that?
- [Sarah] It's a brewery tour.
It's a bus that takes people
to breweries in LA.
We gotta get on this.
No, no, we do not.
I did not get into beer-making
to hang out with drunk people.
Ugh. Look at these Neanderthals.
They wouldn't know a good beer
if I burped it into their mouths.
It's like dogs.
They can hear things we can't.
Exactly. Yes, very good.
You know, dogs can lick their balls, too.
An aspirational achievement
for these mouth breathers. [laughs]
Dogs also eat their own ass.
Yeah, you could train a dog
to eat your ass, too.
Why would I want to train an animal
to eat my ass?
I once trained an iguana.
- To do what?
- Eat my ass.
[groans]
- Ah!
- Oh! Good morrow.
[trash clattering]
Your street hikers. [grunts]
They gave me corns.
Also, I'm seeing a ghost.
Yep.
- Van Nuys.
- Shut up.
Okay, okay, okay.
Lights on. Chuy, check the glasses.
Sarah, lay down some mats.
Rodman's is open for business.
I miss Angel City.
If you guys are gonna open late,
you should tell us.
Yeah, man,
I have an appointment in an hour.
I gotta get a few drinks in
so I can get the juices flowing.
- What do you guys do, exactly?
- Driving instructor.
- And I'm just focusing on being a Founder.
- You're doing a good job at it, man.
Drinking for free because you gave me
a little bit of start-up money
is not a job.
Mm, with the amount of hours they put in,
it kind of is.
All right, team meeting.
I need everyone to focus on
getting that tour bus here.
[groans] The drunk bus?
That thing reeks of tourist vomit
and flyover desperation.
Our beer should sell itself.
For instance, right now I'm working
on a truffle-infused pilsner.
There's no world in which that's not
on the cover of Beer Connoisseur magazine.
Chuy, buddy, hey. I need you
to focus on one thing for me.
Finishing my novel?
No. I need you to get me that drunk bus.
Why him? I'm I'm the manager now.
Shouldn't that be my job?
Well, I don't know. I just
It's hard to keep track of the hierarchy.
But the thing I do know
is that we have to do this drunk bus thing
behind Adam's back,
because he is a buzzkill.
- But he's my mentor.
- Agreed.
Sure.
No.
Hey, did you guys read my novel yet?
Okay, the bus driver from the brew tour
is coming soon.
We gotta win her over,
or she's not gonna put us
on the tour, okay?
Chuy, you were supposed to mop.
Oh, I can't.
Mop bucket's catching the leak
under the sink.
- Go fish.
- That's not what we're playing.
[laughs] I'm sorry.
You didn't, uh, fix the leak?
That's what the mop bucket's for.
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry. This is insane.
We have gotta be more organized.
Chuy, I'm the manager now.
I'm gonna write down a hierarchy
of this place
so everyone knows what their jobs are.
- Hand me that chalkboard.
- Oh, I don't think that's my job.
- Then what the hell is?
- I'm a life coach.
No, I'm not putting one
of your 19 side hustles on the board.
Although, I do appreciate you helping
my friend Claire.
She was going through a rough patch.
And I'm here for you, too.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
No. No.
- What?
- I got a job to do. [grunts]
You got a job to do? I'm doing my job.
- [groans]
- Hello, Sarah. What is this?
- Workflow chart.
- [Wilhelm] What?
Hey, no, no! That took me all day.
Guys, I just placed some steins over here,
and I'd like you to comment, please.
No, we have a bigger catastrophe
happening right now.
- What are we doing?
- [Sarah] Workflow chart.
We're gonna figure out
who's responsible for what
and who's in charge of who.
- It's easy, I'm at the top.
- Oh, cool, bud. You wanna pay the bills?
- Okay, you're at the top.
- Thank you.
You both can be at the top, okay?
Just depends on the job.
- Ah.
- [chuckles]
- [Wilhelm] Uh, hey, Sarah?
- Yeah.
Um, could you, um,
could you erase the stuff on the sides,
just so that, uh,
it doesn't distract us,
and we can, you know, uh, really focus,
- um, on our jobs and not, you know
- [Adam] Yeah.
- Maybe use both hands.
- Both?
- [Chuy] Same time.
- Yeah, it'll just be faster. Yeah.
[Sarah] Will,
you're full of good ideas today.
In the interest of the clarity
of the diagram, I was thinking
we should add a Venn diagram
at the bottom, where
Good idea. Yeah.
- 'Cause you and Chuy have massive overlap.
- [Sarah] Yes! What a great idea.
I was also thinking,
since he's been here a little bit longer,
maybe one should be lower
- to indicate time.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, why not?
And you can leave some of the debris
down there at the bottom,
- if you want to add a little bit more.
- I would say add debris.
[Sarah] Add debris? Like that?
Yeah, for different tasks
and, like, just passage of time, and
Maybe at the bottom,
you can add an asterisk. Perfect.
[Sarah] We can have tasks
for the group.
- Marketing, promotions
- [laughing]
- [Adam] Hmm.
- [sighs]
I thought you guys wouldn't be into this.
- [Wilhelm] What?
- Yeah!
Come on, gimme some skin, baby.
- Yeah!
- [Adam] Get some skin.
[all laughing]
And you had me draw a penis.
[group laughs]
Why would you guys have me draw a penis?
I draw penises all the time.
It's relaxing.
Okay, just get to work, okay?
Everything on the shaft
is your responsibility.
- Oh, really?
- [Sarah] Yeah.
'Cause I thought my responsibilities
were down here,
down here in the scrote.
- The job sac.
- [laughing]
The bus! She made it.
The bus?
You got us on that stupid bus tour?
I said I wanted the beer to sell itself.
And it will. We just need
to get people in here to try it.
Stupid drunk bus people?
This is an opportunity for you
to teach them, to make them less dumb.
Buddy, you love teaching idiots things.
That's true. I've taught you everything
you know, and you're extremely stupid.
You should want to share your knowledge.
You're a master cicerone.
Thank you.
A cicerone is like a sommelier,
but for beer.
[in Italian accent] Cicerone!
- Oh!
- Will, this is a bad look for you.
[in Italian accent] Cicerone!
[group] Cicerone!
- Cicerone!
- Don't join in.
- Don't mock what you can never be. Stop.
- Cicerone!
Hi, everybody.
This is Jordan from LA Beer Hop.
- Jordan.
- Y'all parking sucks.
- I had to double-park out there.
- Okay. Parking aside, not bad, huh?
We have 11 different beers on tap,
tons of games.
Is that a big, black dick
on the chalkboard?
And balls. Don't forget the balls.
- We can erase it.
- No, no, no. We can't.
Our brewmaster learned
from real Trappist monks.
We're in Van Nuys.
Exactly.
People don't come to Van Nuys
for nothing. Ever.
Okay, what if you just come here
for 20 minutes,
we give everyone free beers,
and then you continue
on your regular route?
Plus, we'll make you part
of the Founders Circle.
- What's that?
- It means you drink for free.
- Yep. Yep. [chuckles]
- For life.
And you can take as much toilet paper
and light bulbs as you want.
- Yeah! No, wait.
- Yeah.
A 20-minute stop,
and I get to drink free for life?
Yeah, but it is Van Nuys.
- Exactly. It's Van [muffled]
- No, no, no.
We gotta stop letting people
be Founders.
I'm just trying
to make this brewery a success.
It's part of my job,
and it's going up here.
Mid-shaft.
This can never be erased.
It's the only thing I love
about this place.
The asterisk is an anus.
[Sarah] Okay, so the plan is
we're gonna go in there
and we're gonna ask the Carnal ladies
if we can use their parking spots
for when the drunk bus comes.
- [Wilhelm] Uh-huh.
- [sighs]
Oh, look, there's no handle.
We can't get in.
I-I knew that.
[buzzer sounds]
Hey, do you mind doing the talking?
Because these women make me very nervous.
Why?
They're heads
of the neighborhood association,
and they constantly make me feel inferior.
Okay, look, I need you
to stop acting like a little bitch,
grow a pair, and flick the melted cheese
off your shirt.
- [both shout]
- [Sarah] Um
Hi. Hello. It's Will from
from Rodman's, next door.
- Hello.
- Yes, the dive bar.
- Hi.
- Are you all right?
You both look disheveled.
Has there been an accident?
So sorry to, uh, barge in like this.
We didn't know when the busy hours were
for a sex store.
It's not a sex store.
It is a high-end erotic dispensary.
Did you come to talk about
your non-compliance
with the local noise ordinance?
Or how your curb address needs repainting?
- Yes, Will would love to get into that.
- No.
But in the meantime,
we were actually wondering
if we could borrow a few
of your parking spaces tomorrow.
- Because we have
- No.
We have some people, um,
coming to visit, uh, from a brew tour.
- Oh, yes, definitely no.
- No.
Well, maybe some free beer could help.
Help what?
- Beer helps everything.
- Okay. Shh!
Uh, maybe it could help, uh,
your business, too.
Do you think we need more business?
I mean
more than zero people? Yeah.
You have no idea
how our business works, do you?
I barely know how my business works.
Oh, we have a huge A-list clientele
who come here
because it's off the beaten path.
It's a place where they can get
what they need
and not wind up on T-M-Zed.
Oh, my God,
you sell dildos to famous people.
[laughing]
[both] Yes.
Do you guys sell something
called the Accommodator?
Because I have had people coming
into my place asking for it all the time.
We're not at liberty to say.
- Who do you guys sell to?
- We're not at liberty to say.
Does she have red hair?
Does she have an Oscar?
Is it Julia Roberts?
Please stop.
- Julianne Moore?
- Is he going to keep guessing?
Probably. Barbara Walters?
- No.
- Okay, we should probably go.
For people for may
or may not sell the Accommodator,
you're not very accommodating.
- Julianne's gonna be so pissed.
- We have to clean everything they touched.
Yes, and you deserve that promotion.
But I'm telling you, senior VP
is just a title without stock options.
Okay, that's it for today.
Look forward to our next session.
So, we are a no-go
on Carnal's parking spots.
But there's a chance
that Julianne Moore's a client there,
and I can sleep well knowing that.
Okay, enough with Julianne Moore.
Why don't we ask Becky and Elvis
if they can move their food truck?
I'll do that. That's in my wheelhouse.
Uh, okay, go get 'em, Romeo.
- This is gonna end in total failure.
- Ooh, we're gonna make babies! [cackles]
- Chuy.
- [Wilhelm] Hmm.
[Sarah] Did you really take care
of the leak in the bathroom?
- Yep.
- And the toilet actually flushes?
It's fixed. You just have to put something
in it, like a shoe.
I have to put my shoe in the toilet
every time I wanna use the bathroom?
No, no, you just have to put your shoe
in the toilet
every time you want it to flush.
- That's what I do.
- But you're wearing flip-flops.
I know.
Assuming the food truck is moved,
we need to save that spot
until the tour bus gets here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
That's definitely not my job.
Read the dick, buddy. Read the dick.
Oh, man.
- That penis is tearing me a new asshole.
- [Sarah] Mm.
Hey, Becky.
Hey
- you.
- Adam.
- Right.
- [Adam] Mm-hmm.
We have a tour bus coming tomorrow,
and we need the spot your truck's in.
So you're gonna have to move it.
But, look, we will make an announcement,
put up little signs that say
you guys are just down the street.
- Yeah.
- [Adam] Yeah?
I feel like we're really connecting now.
Are you feeling that?
- Oh, yes.
- [Adam] You know,
I've actually been wanting to ask you out
for a while.
- [Becky and Elvis gasp]
- [Adam] And I would
Everything okay, babe?
- Your aura is super distracted right now.
- It is. I'm so sorry.
- Don't
- This guy Andrew keeps asking questions.
- And yes, we will move the truck for you.
- Okay.
- Hey, Adam.
- Adam.
He knows.
- How's it going?
- It's all right. Good.
Still making some progress here. Great.
[upbeat music playing]
Finito.
- [Wilhelm] Hey, we kicked the pilsner.
- [Sarah] On it.
Thank you.
Hi.
What are you doing in the fridge?
Prepping for my class.
The cold helps to center the mind.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
You know, I always thought
that becoming a cicerone was selfish.
But now, I realize I did it for the world.
I-I have so much to offer.
Yeah. Okay.
Most people don't know the difference
between a lager and a 60 shilling.
So I'm going to take them
through all the different types
with tasting notes,
and we're gonna learn.
Yeah, okay.
You keep saying, "Yeah, okay,"
and that's fine,
but I just want you to know,
I-I have this under control.
- I know what I'm doing.
- [laughs] Why do you have an easel?
Because I've always wanted
to teach my idiot brother about beer,
but now everybody learns.
Isn't that incredible?
How many parts are there
to your presentation?
'Cause you do know they're, like,
only gonna be here
- for 20 minutes.
- Twenty minutes.
- I know that.
- You know that.
So six parts and then they come back
for the last 24,
which are a bit more intense.
Okay, so maybe you could just give them
an overview of the beer,
and then they can enjoy the beer,
and then they'll come back
and buy more beer.
Sweet, sweet, simple, mangle-eared Sarah.
That's exactly what I am doing.
Yeah, okay.
You said it again, but it's fine.
Just a little annoying.
We have an Adam problem.
Yeah, no, I've had an Adam problem
my entire life,
so you're gonna have to
be a little more specific. Okay.
If you're having fun,
you're doing it wrong. [chuckles]
Okay, now how many of you guys have ever
blacked out from drinking beer?
Just two hands?
Get out of here. You're gone.
- You're expelled.
- He's going to kill the vibe
before anyone has even had a drink.
Now, who in here has ever
"shotgunned" a beer?
[laughs] Oh, a lot of hands.
Uh, you're all fucking gone.
Get out of here right now.
- I don't ever wanna see your faces again.
- Hey, Professor.
- Hey.
- Kicking out imaginary students?
Uh, it seems a little harsh.
I was just thinking,
if I start to get a frat vibe,
and I'm sure I will
'cause this place sucks,
that I gotta be prepared
to kick some people out.
Hey, Adam, you know how I always say
that you're a beer snob?
Thank you.
Well, I really think
that this beer school thing you're doing
could be the thing
that differentiates Rodman's
from the other stops on the bus tour.
Oh, yeah?
And you know how you're always blabbing
about the power of the palate?
It's not blabbing, but I am happy
that my knowledge has managed
to worm its way through your thick skull.
What if your class
was just about the sense of taste,
using earplugs and blindfolds?
That is fucking genius.
Oh, my God. You've never had a good idea,
or anything even resembling a good idea,
in your entire life.
- What does this feel like?
- To have a good idea? I feel like you.
- I finally get it.
- [laughing]
[both] Yeah.
- [Adam] Huh.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- No. Stupid Wilhelm. No, no, no.
We don't have ear plugs and blindfolds.
[laughs] You idiot.
I can go get those things.
No, no, no, no. You are prepping.
You have to concentrate.
I have to do it, 'cause if you do it,
you're gonna fuck it up.
This is a great idea.
I'd be depriving the senses.
I could hug you right now.
Oh, my God. Thank you. I needed that.
I'm gonna go get the supplies.
I just want you to know,
this is not only for the good of Rodman's,
this is for the good
of the beer drinking public in general.
Oh, my God. I just made myself come.
- What?
- Hold it. Stop. But don't look away.
Ugh.
- What
- False alarm.
What day are you on?
Twenty-seven.
You men and your semen cycles.
[chuckles]
Hi, it's so nice to see
- You got 20 minutes.
- Okay.
Hello, welcome. Oh, yes, here, take it.
Hello, hello, hello, everyone,
and welcome to Rodman's.
We are in beautiful Van Nuys,
a blue-collar neighborhood
where we make blue-collar beer.
And for the next 20 minutes,
I want you to drink like you have
blue-collar problems.
Cheers!
[group] Cheers!
- Isn't it good? It's so good.
- [woman] So good.
[sniffs]
[chattering]
[chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chuy comes over and just
[laughing]
[pretends to scream]
[vocalizes]
- [Wilhelm] Who wants a map of Van Nuys?
- [cheering]
Five minutes. Rolling out in five.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
means last call.
- [Sarah] You got it, Jordan.
- If you guys had a good time,
please review us on Facebook,
- Yelp.
- Untappd.
- Of course. Foursquare.
- [laughs]
- Hey, you want one?
- Hey, I'm good. Um, the bus is gone.
- What?
- The bus. It's gone.
What the fuck?
This is where you were supposed to park.
Yeah, well, I didn't. I parked over there.
Right in front of some store
called Carnal.
Oh, no. No, no, no, anywhere but there.
Where's Chuy?
He was supposed to be saving this spot.
I don't know. Let's go find him.
Chuy, what the fuck?
What happened?
[Chuy] I don't know. It was hot.
I had a few beers.
Nothing adds up.
[hydraulic brakes hiss]
Chuy, you fell asleep?
Yeah! And I sunburned my feet.
So a porn shop had my bus towed?
It's a high-end erotic dispensary,
and that's their VIP parking.
VIP parking at a porn shop?
Jennifer Lawrence needs her butt plugs,
too.
Okay, you know what? We will text you
the towing company's number,
and we will pay for it.
- I'm so
- No, no.
- What?
- You know what? Hey. No, no, no, no, no
This is really good.
We can work with this.
The drunk bus people love us.
And if we keep serving them beers,
they're gonna become regulars.
- You're a fucking genius.
- Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, I can't walk.
Can somebody roll me inside?
Before you're able to taste,
you must first learn how to smell.
Now, the science behind smell is
a little bit dry and boring
which is why we should get
into it right now.
[both] We took our eyes off the Adam.
Your awful taste is not your fault.
Now, why would I lie like that?
I see you. I see you drinking that beer.
You know what? You're expelled. Expelled.
No, no, sit, sit, sit.
Sometimes the most difficult students are
the most rewarding.
Sorry. I just love all of you
so damn much.
[groans] Sorry. What'd I miss?
BK Adam doing what he does best:
teaching a class
on how not to teach a class.
I'm sure you all think you know
what beer tastes like,
but only one person in here
is a master cicerone,
and I'm here today to tell you
you have no idea what beer tastes like.
Now Oh, no, this is only a third
of my notes.
Okay, no drinking while I'm gone.
We're gonna start trending
and not in a good way.
I have an idea.
Just, uh, hand out some beers, okay?
Hey, everybody having fun?
Fuck you.
I definitely deserve that.
Look, here's the game. Every time
my brother's condescending
or shits on another beer, you drink.
When he brags about being a cicerone,
take two sips and then
yell it back at him.
[in Italian accent] Yell, "Cicerone!"
- And number three
- [crowd murmuring]
when he inevitably shits on me,
please chug your whole beer, all right?
Today is going very well, going very well.
Okay, I'm back, neophytes.
[whispers] Drink, drink.
Uh, no. You should not have beers yet.
You're not ready to drink yet, actually.
Okay, this is quality beer,
not some Rocky Mountain sewer water.
[group chuckles]
What are you
Stop drinking the beer, you animals.
[fake laughs] Okay,
your cicerone commands you.
- Stop drink
- [group, in Italian accent] Cicerone!
That is not good pronunciation.
It's "cicerone."
[group, in Italian accent] Cicerone!
Stop parroting it back to me! You're
I don't like this! I will expel you all!
I'm turning the taps off.
I'm turning the taps off.
Chuy, staple gun, now!
- [crowd gasps]
- [thuds]
- [Wilhelm] That was a hammer!
- Oops.
[groans] My head.
[scoffs] What are you doing?
You're not supposed to be drinking.
Why are you drinking? Class isn't dis
Class is not dismissed! Stop drinking!
Wait, what? #rodmansbrewery has 60 posts!
- We've gone viral!
- [Wilhelm gasps]
#catpenis has over 1,000.
[Adam] Get me down!
I didn't even want any
of you assholes here, by the way.
It was my idiot brother's idea.
Hey, you know what that means! Chug!
[group] Chug!
Do not chug, you shaved apes!
Another round.
- [group] Go!
- [Adam] Do not go!
You need to learn!
You haven't learned anything!
I hate each and every one of you
in different ways.
- I am your cicerone!
- [group, in Italian accent] Cicerone!
- [shouts]
- [theme music playing]