Bridget and Eamon (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
The Lottery
1 "RELAX" Is this really your first time? You really know what you're doing.
Go again Bridget.
Go! Go! GO! BRIDGET: I'm going! I'm going.
I'm going! I'm going! I'm done in.
Bridget! I knew ye were having aerobics in this house.
And with the kids here.
You disgust me.
Oh Concepta.
What would Seanie think? And you, your steps just outside.
You lazy bitch.
Shut up Eamon.
Shut up Concepta.
I'm nearly there.
Go! Go! Go! Go! KAJAGOOGO "TOO SHY" Eamon.
Eamon! (SCREAMS) Get out or I'll call the guards and they'll be here in 3 hours.
Bridget! Bridget! Eamon.
Eamon, it's me.
Bridget.
Can a man not fantasise about other women in his own bed without his wife ruining it on him? What's wrong with you? You look like you've had a stroke.
Eamon, how can I maintain my youthful looks with 6 to 8 kids hanging out of me.
Having to do things like feed them and watch them on occasion.
I can't get the choppy/changey.
You say it's too expensive.
They've added threepence onto the pint, Bridget.
- It's 99 pence a pint now.
- Go 'way.
Frank says up in Dublin it's Ð1.
10 a pint.
I never want to go there.
It'll never go above that.
Not down here.
- We're never going there.
- Never.
We're never going there.
I'm not buying you another communion outfit.
Where do you think you're living, Southfork? You can wear your sister's.
Timmy.
Timmy! I don't think we have a Timmy.
Well he knew you.
Did you get Fierce Handy Frank to have a look at that hole in the ceiling? I told you to.
Fierce Handy Frank.
Why would I get Fierce Handy Frank to do something that I can do myself and save myself six pounds in the process? There's a waste of good sellotape.
What did I tell you about playing in that hole in that ceiling? It's dangerous! Now go out and play in the road.
Me nerves.
If that tramp Fidelma is in it this week, I'm writing to the Taoiseach's office.
I love Dick.
We interrupt the current programme for this urgent news bulletin.
Next Saturday will see the first ever National Lottery draw.
Tickets for the guaranteed Ð250,000 jackpot are now available from post offices and shops nationwide.
Now we return to our scheduled programming.
Eamon.
Can you imagine the communion that we'd get for Timmy with that money.
We could take the kids to Mosney or we could leave 'em at home and go off somewhere real cosmopolitan by ourself, like Naas and drink West Coast Coolers.
Oh the things we could do with that money, Eamon.
For the family.
You're too shy, shy.
Hush hush.
Aye do aye.
Too shy, shy.
Hush hush.
Aye do aye.
Too shy, shy.
Hush hush.
BRIDGET: Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon! Are you listening to me? I never listen to you Bridget.
Can a man not fantasize about giving scantily glad women money, in his own house? Now shut up.
No, it's gone.
It's gone.
And I gave one of them a twenty.
Naas.
(DOG BARKING) Did we decided on the synidikitty? Syndicate Bridget.
That's what I said.
Synidikitty.
There's so many numbers.
How do we pick them? How about 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6? The RTE Guide said that statistically that's as likely to come up as any other combination.
Professor! You're as stupider as my cousin who sold his house and moved into an apartment.
Seriously, we do have to pick numbers that are easy to remember.
Like the kids birthdays Eamon.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Bridget? Oh.
We'll start with the youngest.
He was.
.
No, she.
.
She.
Do you not remember the birthdays of your own children, Bridget? How dare you.
I just thought we'd pick numbers that are lucky.
Or important to remember.
- The feast days of Our Lady.
- ALL: Yes! The Annunciation, 25th March.
25.
Our Lady of Loreto.
December 10th.
Our Lady of Guadalupe.
December 12th.
Very impressive Noreen.
Visitation, May 31st.
Our Lady of Perpetual Help, June 27.
- We need one more.
- Eamon.
The Ascension of Our Lady into space with the novenas.
October 5th.
5.
I'm not familiar with that one.
Write down 5.
October 5th.
Now Bridget.
There's the money.
Go into town tomorrow and get the ticket.
Oh I will.
I'll do that.
I'll go straight there tomorrow.
You can count on me.
I'll go in and buy the winning ticket! Fair play Bridget.
Fair play.
PJ, stop your moaning and do your party piece! Oh hello Dolly.
Oh hello Dolly.
Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon! Eamon! I'm off out Eamon! Stick on the emersion for me, will you.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
3257 double 8.
Hello Betty.
No, I won't make my appointment this morning.
What? Marco from the Naas Fashion Week who won the award for the best do? But I've been waiting 6 months to get the choppy/changey with him.
He can't be available today.
How much are we talking? Jesus Christ! I don't have the money.
Sure this is it.
Oh this is it.
This is it.
Betty, I'll think about it.
EAMON: Bridget, you can get the ticket.
We'll definitely win with these numbers.
Choppy/changey.
250,000 pounds jackpot.
We'll all be millionaires.
Are you sure you're alright with all that syndikitty money Bridget? Would you have the loan of a slice of ham 'til next Tuesday? EAMON: Have you looked in the mirror Bridget? Video nasty more like it.
Choke Bridget, choke! - I am choking! - Choke! I'll choke you in a minute! Mmm, Bridget.
You did! Oh my God.
Look at the new do.
From the front it's all business but from behind, I could be sipping West Coast Coolers in.
.
- Naas.
- Yes! Naas.
You make Krystle Carrington look like a cheap whore.
Oh thanks Father.
Good evening and welcome to the National Lottery's Lotto draw.
Our very first number is.
.
12.
Our second number is 10.
Number 10.
Here's the third number now.
Number 25 is our third number.
Maybe you can match 4 with our 4th number which is 31.
Perhaps your fifth number is 27.
Come on.
The ascension of Our Lady into space with the novenas.
The ascension of Our Lady into space with the novenas! Our final number tonight for that big jackpot.
.
Number 5.
Take me and break me and close all your windows and doors.
Shut me off, cut me off.
Make me an island.
I'm yours.
Take me away from the world.
Take me away from the girls.
Take me and break me and make me an island.
I'm yours.
Shite.
Shite.
What do you think of that beauty? Take it back.
That is a death trap! Bridget, there are seatbelts in the back.
I don't care.
I want our old car back.
Our old car.
Bridget, it took three of the kids to push start it.
The radio only came on in third gear.
But it had sentimental value.
Bridget, you lost your left foot because of that car.
I don't care.
It was classy.
Classy! You couldn't go left in it.
You had to do a full 360 if you wanted to go the opposite direction.
I just want our old car back.
You have to go and get the money as well.
I know we're loaded and it's great.
We're so loaded.
But it's very important you get the money back.
Bridget, today was the happiest day of my life.
I'm not bringing this car back.
What about the day our first child was born, Eamon? Bridget, he didn't come out with anti-lock brakes, front and rear heaters and a tape player.
This has Dolby.
That young fella's thick.
I'm pregnant! Sure we'll send them all off to boarding school.
We've the money now anyway.
I'm dying.
Sure we'll have a lovely funeral for you in a hotel.
We can even get you a headstone.
Oh, I can't lie to you Eamon.
I didn't get the lotto ticket.
We've no money.
Eamon, get up.
I can't bring it back.
Stop Eamon.
I can't bring it back.
It's okay.
He's just having a stroke.
I can't bring it back.
Stop that.
- I can't bring it back.
- Shut up.
Myself and Willie are going to Rome next week.
We wanted to go to Paris but all the first class flights were sold out.
I wouldn't fly.
You'll die.
None of you should fly anywhere.
It's very dangerous.
Myself and Frank are after getting a lovely 7 bed holiday home in Wexford.
Get your money back.
Get your money back.
Wexford.
Sure it's full of perverts just trying to sell you strawberries.
I'm originally from Wexford, Bridget.
Exactly.
I heard the government are going to tax you on a holiday home.
Tax! Oh you're a hoot Bridget.
Sure who around here pays tax! Tax is for civil servants and Protestants.
We actually got a holiday home in the South of France.
France.
Oh Jesus.
Eamon! Eamon! Here he is now.
Oh Eamon, we're having great craic.
Dolores was just saying that she bought a holiday home in France.
Oh f.
.
Fantastic.
Get your money back.
- Do.
- Get your money back.
- Why would I do that? - Oh.
.
- The plague.
The plague has broken out there.
It's like the Black Death all over again.
Surely the plague, there'd be something on the telly or something.
We all would've seen it.
- The news crew died in France.
- Dead.
France is full of French people.
Full of French people.
I heard that.
Do you know what we should do? Do you know what'd be great fun? We were talking about this.
We should give all the money back and stop spending.
- That's what we should do.
- Great idea.
Eamon, we were saying that thinking is so much more fun than actually doing.
Isn't it.
- Oh thinking is.
.
It's the business.
- It's great.
I was just thinking to myself last night that Eamon was dead and I was married to Marty Whelan and we lived in Naas.
I went up to my room, closed the door and I had a good old think for myself for hours.
It was great.
I had a big thing for myself there last week.
I thought that I was having an affair with Bridget's good-looking niece.
That's a bad example but essentially it's a great idea.
Jesus Christ Concepta.
They're huge.
I got them done.
How are the kids? We went to America when we got the money, to see my sisters.
When we were over there I got them done.
I was never happy with my breasts.
- How small were they, Concepta? - 34 D.
Now they're a 38 GG.
38 double G.
Sounds like a fighter jet.
I know and sure Seanie is like one.
He's at home with a cramp.
He can't keep his hands off me.
This lotto is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
- Can you give 'em back? What? No - Bridget, sure they're implanted.
Surely there's some way you could make some money out of them? I doubt that Bridget.
Nobody's going to pay money to look at big tits.
Kid has a few pounds in his box upstairs.
I can go get it for you if you want.
But sure why would I want to give them back? We're loaded now.
Oh, I forgot to tell ye.
We got rid of my mother's hold wheelchair and we're getting her a new electronic one from Germany.
Isn't that right Mammy.
That's right.
When is it coming? I told you Mammy.
When the cheque clears.
What did you do with the old one? Just took it apart, smashed it to bits and threw it in the lake.
But sure we're all rich now, aren't we.
Eamon.
Eamon! I'm sorting something out Bridget.
Forgive me Father.
It's been 3 days since my last confession.
Go ahead, my child.
I've had filthy thoughts about Marty Whelan.
Oh, could you be more specific? Well, he helps me with my tyre on the side of the road.
Then he gives me a lift to the nearest town.
Then we check into this local B&B and then we kiss, a lot.
- Go on.
- That's it.
Well, make something up.
What's he wearing? What? - Nothing.
Anything else? - I told a massive lie.
- Go on.
- That's it.
Just forgive me for the massive lie.
No Bridget, my child.
You have to tell me.
It could be selling nuclear codes the the Russians or spreading vicious rumours about Johnny Logan.
Every lie is different.
Oh it's far worse Father.
It's worst than a nuclear holocaust or the character assassination of a Eurovision icon.
Jesus forgives all.
- Really? - Yes.
- Honestly? - Yes.
Jesus is all forgiving.
Okay.
I didn't get the lotto ticket.
I used the money for my choppy/changey.
Father.
Come closer, my child.
Okay.
A little bit closer.
A small bit closer.
AGH! I thought you said Jesus was all forgiving! Jesus hasn't booked first class to get to San Francisco.
Thank you everybody for coming today.
So this is the giant cheque with all the money on it.
If anything was to happen to this cheque it would be terrible.
Wouldn't it Eamon.
I don't think so Bridget.
When I did my banking exams.
.
When you did your banking exams, people still bit into coins to see if they were real.
Nice tits by the way though.
Thanks Eamon.
Oh, it would be terrible.
It would be very, very bad.
I know.
Let's all go out into the garden because.
.
It's such a lovely day.
I hope this cheque does not go on fire.
Eamon, can I have a light for my cigarette? Of course you can Bridget.
There you go.
Oh no.
The cheque is on fire Eamon.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
All the money is gone.
What are we going to do? It's okay.
That was only a ceremonial cheque.
- The real money is in the bank.
- No.
No, it's not.
Why not? Ever since we joined the EEC there's been a law stipulating that all moneys inside large giant.
.
It's all Bridget's fault! It's true.
I didn't go get the winning lotto ticket.
I went and had my hair done.
I admire your courage, Bridget.
You big feckin' witch.
I can't give these back.
How am I to make money off these, Bridget? How? Damn it.
I'll never be able to open that Betamax store now.
I am going to go hard on you.
I learned hello in French.
What was the point? I'm sorry.
I hope you've got your bathing suit ready to dive in and get my mother's wheelchair out of the lake and stick it back together.
Where are you going? Any of ye fancy watching a bit of Airwolf? FR.
GABRIEL: Where could she have gone Eamon? EAMON: The old car can only turn left.
Give it an hour and she'll be back.
Whether she wants to or not.
The new Ford Orion turns both left and right.
NOREEN: I say we find her and we kill her.
CONCEPTA: Maybe she's gone to her mother's.
EAMON: It'd have to be a lot worst to make her visit her mother.
CONCEPTA: Would you have the loan of a slice of ham 'til Tuesday? EAMON: I know where I'd go if I were her.
Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon.
I'm asleep.
You're not asleep.
Your eyes are open.
Did you hear what happened the butcher in town? He died.
Died.
Dead pig fell on him and they found him naked on top of it.
Did that actually happen? I don't know but he's dead anyway.
Well I hope he is.
His funeral is on Tuesday.
This isn't working Frank.
Take off the glasses.
It's just weird.
Oh yeah, weird.
So me being here in bed, pretending to be your wife so that you can get to sleep, not weird? I put the glasses on, weird! I never thought I'd say this but I miss her annoying voice.
Eamon, it's our anniversary.
Throw on the Johnny Logan tape there.
- I'm coming over all Italian.
- Stop it Frank.
- You like that, don't you.
- Stop it Frank.
- You're good and hard now.
- FRANK! Can a man not ask another man to come into his house, pretend he's his wife without that man coming on to him? Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Get out of the bed or take of the glasses.
Stop it.
And the rumour is that they found him on top of the pig, trousers around his ankles.
You should see the looks his wife gives you in mass, but I never liked her.
She's a terrible gossip.
Wait, go back to the bit about the 38 double G breasts.
What? That's not important.
What is important is that I destroyed the town, lost my family and according to Fr.
Gabriel, I'm going to spend eternity in hell, all because I'd notions.
The choppy/changey hair do.
The latest fashion item from Dunnes Boutique.
The jizzy milk.
Buying the Gold Blend instead of the regular blend.
Notions.
He's probably right.
I'd sell my soul for a microwave oven.
Really? Look, there's only one way to sort this.
You're going to have to give me 250,000.
- I'll give you a million.
- What? But there's one thing you need to do for me.
But we've done that already.
I'll go longer the second time.
- No, it's just up.
- Shut up! - No, it's shut up.
- Shut up.
No.
Look at me.
Shut up.
Shut up.
(HELICOPTER) - Jesus.
.
- Christ.
Shut up! Call everybody! I've got great news.
Okay.
Before you all actually kill me because I lost the lottery money, Noreen, answer me this.
You bought the 7 bedroom home in Wexford.
With what? Dolores, your fancy holiday home in France.
That must've cost you an awful lot of money.
Concepta, your mammary glands.
How much did that cost? Four grand for one.
Two of them for seven.
That's a good bargain.
This better be going somewhere, Bridget.
Oh it is.
It is.
Concepta, how did you get the money? I just asked the bank.
- And they gave it to you? - Yes.
They gave it to all of you.
See.
We didn't need to win the lottery to be loaded.
All we had to do was ask the bank.
Some bank called Anglo just gave me a million.
All I have to do is throw up 60 apartments in Kinnegad.
What could possibly go wrong? That's brilliant.
There's literally nothing that can go wrong with that plan.
Right.
Keep it amongst ourselves.
We don't want everyone doing it.
Apart from that, she's right lads.
Nothing possibly can go wrong.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE) Eamon, I'm so happy.
For the first time in my life I've done something great.
Now, that's the ground floor done.
Only 59 more to go.
That's all wrong Bridget.
That has to come down.
- What? - You can't have the kitchen and living room in one room.
No-one lives like that.
Eamon, it's pure modern or something.
I'm doing it from the plans.
Where's the car park? Have you started it? No.
Ð6,000 for an apartment in Kinnegad.
No-one's going to pay for that.
But the man from Dublin, he said.
The man from Dublin.
Anglo.
They saw you coming.
The day an Irishman moves into an apartment is the day Gay gives up the Late Late.
Take off the helmet.
That's not going to help you in a crash.
But I like the helmet Eamon.
Can I keep the helmet? Eamon.
Eamon! Do you know what I think would be a great idea to get back some of the money? - What? Bottled water.
When you go into a shop you can't buy a bottle of water.
God Love you Concepta.
You're fierce stupid.
Who in their right mind is going to buy a bottle of water! Sure it's free.
It's a great idea.
You could add some fizz to it.
Have a sparkling version.
Jizzy water.
Are you telling me people are going to go into the shops and buy jizzy water? No, no, no.
What do you think Eamon? Tits.
Sorry, I'd buy a bottle of fizzy tits.
Sorry, water.
See.
Eamon agrees.
Go home Concepta.
Go again Bridget.
Go! Go! GO! BRIDGET: I'm going! I'm going.
I'm going! I'm going! I'm done in.
Bridget! I knew ye were having aerobics in this house.
And with the kids here.
You disgust me.
Oh Concepta.
What would Seanie think? And you, your steps just outside.
You lazy bitch.
Shut up Eamon.
Shut up Concepta.
I'm nearly there.
Go! Go! Go! Go! KAJAGOOGO "TOO SHY" Eamon.
Eamon! (SCREAMS) Get out or I'll call the guards and they'll be here in 3 hours.
Bridget! Bridget! Eamon.
Eamon, it's me.
Bridget.
Can a man not fantasise about other women in his own bed without his wife ruining it on him? What's wrong with you? You look like you've had a stroke.
Eamon, how can I maintain my youthful looks with 6 to 8 kids hanging out of me.
Having to do things like feed them and watch them on occasion.
I can't get the choppy/changey.
You say it's too expensive.
They've added threepence onto the pint, Bridget.
- It's 99 pence a pint now.
- Go 'way.
Frank says up in Dublin it's Ð1.
10 a pint.
I never want to go there.
It'll never go above that.
Not down here.
- We're never going there.
- Never.
We're never going there.
I'm not buying you another communion outfit.
Where do you think you're living, Southfork? You can wear your sister's.
Timmy.
Timmy! I don't think we have a Timmy.
Well he knew you.
Did you get Fierce Handy Frank to have a look at that hole in the ceiling? I told you to.
Fierce Handy Frank.
Why would I get Fierce Handy Frank to do something that I can do myself and save myself six pounds in the process? There's a waste of good sellotape.
What did I tell you about playing in that hole in that ceiling? It's dangerous! Now go out and play in the road.
Me nerves.
If that tramp Fidelma is in it this week, I'm writing to the Taoiseach's office.
I love Dick.
We interrupt the current programme for this urgent news bulletin.
Next Saturday will see the first ever National Lottery draw.
Tickets for the guaranteed Ð250,000 jackpot are now available from post offices and shops nationwide.
Now we return to our scheduled programming.
Eamon.
Can you imagine the communion that we'd get for Timmy with that money.
We could take the kids to Mosney or we could leave 'em at home and go off somewhere real cosmopolitan by ourself, like Naas and drink West Coast Coolers.
Oh the things we could do with that money, Eamon.
For the family.
You're too shy, shy.
Hush hush.
Aye do aye.
Too shy, shy.
Hush hush.
Aye do aye.
Too shy, shy.
Hush hush.
BRIDGET: Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon! Are you listening to me? I never listen to you Bridget.
Can a man not fantasize about giving scantily glad women money, in his own house? Now shut up.
No, it's gone.
It's gone.
And I gave one of them a twenty.
Naas.
(DOG BARKING) Did we decided on the synidikitty? Syndicate Bridget.
That's what I said.
Synidikitty.
There's so many numbers.
How do we pick them? How about 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6? The RTE Guide said that statistically that's as likely to come up as any other combination.
Professor! You're as stupider as my cousin who sold his house and moved into an apartment.
Seriously, we do have to pick numbers that are easy to remember.
Like the kids birthdays Eamon.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Bridget? Oh.
We'll start with the youngest.
He was.
.
No, she.
.
She.
Do you not remember the birthdays of your own children, Bridget? How dare you.
I just thought we'd pick numbers that are lucky.
Or important to remember.
- The feast days of Our Lady.
- ALL: Yes! The Annunciation, 25th March.
25.
Our Lady of Loreto.
December 10th.
Our Lady of Guadalupe.
December 12th.
Very impressive Noreen.
Visitation, May 31st.
Our Lady of Perpetual Help, June 27.
- We need one more.
- Eamon.
The Ascension of Our Lady into space with the novenas.
October 5th.
5.
I'm not familiar with that one.
Write down 5.
October 5th.
Now Bridget.
There's the money.
Go into town tomorrow and get the ticket.
Oh I will.
I'll do that.
I'll go straight there tomorrow.
You can count on me.
I'll go in and buy the winning ticket! Fair play Bridget.
Fair play.
PJ, stop your moaning and do your party piece! Oh hello Dolly.
Oh hello Dolly.
Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon! Eamon! I'm off out Eamon! Stick on the emersion for me, will you.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
3257 double 8.
Hello Betty.
No, I won't make my appointment this morning.
What? Marco from the Naas Fashion Week who won the award for the best do? But I've been waiting 6 months to get the choppy/changey with him.
He can't be available today.
How much are we talking? Jesus Christ! I don't have the money.
Sure this is it.
Oh this is it.
This is it.
Betty, I'll think about it.
EAMON: Bridget, you can get the ticket.
We'll definitely win with these numbers.
Choppy/changey.
250,000 pounds jackpot.
We'll all be millionaires.
Are you sure you're alright with all that syndikitty money Bridget? Would you have the loan of a slice of ham 'til next Tuesday? EAMON: Have you looked in the mirror Bridget? Video nasty more like it.
Choke Bridget, choke! - I am choking! - Choke! I'll choke you in a minute! Mmm, Bridget.
You did! Oh my God.
Look at the new do.
From the front it's all business but from behind, I could be sipping West Coast Coolers in.
.
- Naas.
- Yes! Naas.
You make Krystle Carrington look like a cheap whore.
Oh thanks Father.
Good evening and welcome to the National Lottery's Lotto draw.
Our very first number is.
.
12.
Our second number is 10.
Number 10.
Here's the third number now.
Number 25 is our third number.
Maybe you can match 4 with our 4th number which is 31.
Perhaps your fifth number is 27.
Come on.
The ascension of Our Lady into space with the novenas.
The ascension of Our Lady into space with the novenas! Our final number tonight for that big jackpot.
.
Number 5.
Take me and break me and close all your windows and doors.
Shut me off, cut me off.
Make me an island.
I'm yours.
Take me away from the world.
Take me away from the girls.
Take me and break me and make me an island.
I'm yours.
Shite.
Shite.
What do you think of that beauty? Take it back.
That is a death trap! Bridget, there are seatbelts in the back.
I don't care.
I want our old car back.
Our old car.
Bridget, it took three of the kids to push start it.
The radio only came on in third gear.
But it had sentimental value.
Bridget, you lost your left foot because of that car.
I don't care.
It was classy.
Classy! You couldn't go left in it.
You had to do a full 360 if you wanted to go the opposite direction.
I just want our old car back.
You have to go and get the money as well.
I know we're loaded and it's great.
We're so loaded.
But it's very important you get the money back.
Bridget, today was the happiest day of my life.
I'm not bringing this car back.
What about the day our first child was born, Eamon? Bridget, he didn't come out with anti-lock brakes, front and rear heaters and a tape player.
This has Dolby.
That young fella's thick.
I'm pregnant! Sure we'll send them all off to boarding school.
We've the money now anyway.
I'm dying.
Sure we'll have a lovely funeral for you in a hotel.
We can even get you a headstone.
Oh, I can't lie to you Eamon.
I didn't get the lotto ticket.
We've no money.
Eamon, get up.
I can't bring it back.
Stop Eamon.
I can't bring it back.
It's okay.
He's just having a stroke.
I can't bring it back.
Stop that.
- I can't bring it back.
- Shut up.
Myself and Willie are going to Rome next week.
We wanted to go to Paris but all the first class flights were sold out.
I wouldn't fly.
You'll die.
None of you should fly anywhere.
It's very dangerous.
Myself and Frank are after getting a lovely 7 bed holiday home in Wexford.
Get your money back.
Get your money back.
Wexford.
Sure it's full of perverts just trying to sell you strawberries.
I'm originally from Wexford, Bridget.
Exactly.
I heard the government are going to tax you on a holiday home.
Tax! Oh you're a hoot Bridget.
Sure who around here pays tax! Tax is for civil servants and Protestants.
We actually got a holiday home in the South of France.
France.
Oh Jesus.
Eamon! Eamon! Here he is now.
Oh Eamon, we're having great craic.
Dolores was just saying that she bought a holiday home in France.
Oh f.
.
Fantastic.
Get your money back.
- Do.
- Get your money back.
- Why would I do that? - Oh.
.
- The plague.
The plague has broken out there.
It's like the Black Death all over again.
Surely the plague, there'd be something on the telly or something.
We all would've seen it.
- The news crew died in France.
- Dead.
France is full of French people.
Full of French people.
I heard that.
Do you know what we should do? Do you know what'd be great fun? We were talking about this.
We should give all the money back and stop spending.
- That's what we should do.
- Great idea.
Eamon, we were saying that thinking is so much more fun than actually doing.
Isn't it.
- Oh thinking is.
.
It's the business.
- It's great.
I was just thinking to myself last night that Eamon was dead and I was married to Marty Whelan and we lived in Naas.
I went up to my room, closed the door and I had a good old think for myself for hours.
It was great.
I had a big thing for myself there last week.
I thought that I was having an affair with Bridget's good-looking niece.
That's a bad example but essentially it's a great idea.
Jesus Christ Concepta.
They're huge.
I got them done.
How are the kids? We went to America when we got the money, to see my sisters.
When we were over there I got them done.
I was never happy with my breasts.
- How small were they, Concepta? - 34 D.
Now they're a 38 GG.
38 double G.
Sounds like a fighter jet.
I know and sure Seanie is like one.
He's at home with a cramp.
He can't keep his hands off me.
This lotto is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
- Can you give 'em back? What? No - Bridget, sure they're implanted.
Surely there's some way you could make some money out of them? I doubt that Bridget.
Nobody's going to pay money to look at big tits.
Kid has a few pounds in his box upstairs.
I can go get it for you if you want.
But sure why would I want to give them back? We're loaded now.
Oh, I forgot to tell ye.
We got rid of my mother's hold wheelchair and we're getting her a new electronic one from Germany.
Isn't that right Mammy.
That's right.
When is it coming? I told you Mammy.
When the cheque clears.
What did you do with the old one? Just took it apart, smashed it to bits and threw it in the lake.
But sure we're all rich now, aren't we.
Eamon.
Eamon! I'm sorting something out Bridget.
Forgive me Father.
It's been 3 days since my last confession.
Go ahead, my child.
I've had filthy thoughts about Marty Whelan.
Oh, could you be more specific? Well, he helps me with my tyre on the side of the road.
Then he gives me a lift to the nearest town.
Then we check into this local B&B and then we kiss, a lot.
- Go on.
- That's it.
Well, make something up.
What's he wearing? What? - Nothing.
Anything else? - I told a massive lie.
- Go on.
- That's it.
Just forgive me for the massive lie.
No Bridget, my child.
You have to tell me.
It could be selling nuclear codes the the Russians or spreading vicious rumours about Johnny Logan.
Every lie is different.
Oh it's far worse Father.
It's worst than a nuclear holocaust or the character assassination of a Eurovision icon.
Jesus forgives all.
- Really? - Yes.
- Honestly? - Yes.
Jesus is all forgiving.
Okay.
I didn't get the lotto ticket.
I used the money for my choppy/changey.
Father.
Come closer, my child.
Okay.
A little bit closer.
A small bit closer.
AGH! I thought you said Jesus was all forgiving! Jesus hasn't booked first class to get to San Francisco.
Thank you everybody for coming today.
So this is the giant cheque with all the money on it.
If anything was to happen to this cheque it would be terrible.
Wouldn't it Eamon.
I don't think so Bridget.
When I did my banking exams.
.
When you did your banking exams, people still bit into coins to see if they were real.
Nice tits by the way though.
Thanks Eamon.
Oh, it would be terrible.
It would be very, very bad.
I know.
Let's all go out into the garden because.
.
It's such a lovely day.
I hope this cheque does not go on fire.
Eamon, can I have a light for my cigarette? Of course you can Bridget.
There you go.
Oh no.
The cheque is on fire Eamon.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
All the money is gone.
What are we going to do? It's okay.
That was only a ceremonial cheque.
- The real money is in the bank.
- No.
No, it's not.
Why not? Ever since we joined the EEC there's been a law stipulating that all moneys inside large giant.
.
It's all Bridget's fault! It's true.
I didn't go get the winning lotto ticket.
I went and had my hair done.
I admire your courage, Bridget.
You big feckin' witch.
I can't give these back.
How am I to make money off these, Bridget? How? Damn it.
I'll never be able to open that Betamax store now.
I am going to go hard on you.
I learned hello in French.
What was the point? I'm sorry.
I hope you've got your bathing suit ready to dive in and get my mother's wheelchair out of the lake and stick it back together.
Where are you going? Any of ye fancy watching a bit of Airwolf? FR.
GABRIEL: Where could she have gone Eamon? EAMON: The old car can only turn left.
Give it an hour and she'll be back.
Whether she wants to or not.
The new Ford Orion turns both left and right.
NOREEN: I say we find her and we kill her.
CONCEPTA: Maybe she's gone to her mother's.
EAMON: It'd have to be a lot worst to make her visit her mother.
CONCEPTA: Would you have the loan of a slice of ham 'til Tuesday? EAMON: I know where I'd go if I were her.
Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon.
Eamon.
I'm asleep.
You're not asleep.
Your eyes are open.
Did you hear what happened the butcher in town? He died.
Died.
Dead pig fell on him and they found him naked on top of it.
Did that actually happen? I don't know but he's dead anyway.
Well I hope he is.
His funeral is on Tuesday.
This isn't working Frank.
Take off the glasses.
It's just weird.
Oh yeah, weird.
So me being here in bed, pretending to be your wife so that you can get to sleep, not weird? I put the glasses on, weird! I never thought I'd say this but I miss her annoying voice.
Eamon, it's our anniversary.
Throw on the Johnny Logan tape there.
- I'm coming over all Italian.
- Stop it Frank.
- You like that, don't you.
- Stop it Frank.
- You're good and hard now.
- FRANK! Can a man not ask another man to come into his house, pretend he's his wife without that man coming on to him? Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Get out of the bed or take of the glasses.
Stop it.
And the rumour is that they found him on top of the pig, trousers around his ankles.
You should see the looks his wife gives you in mass, but I never liked her.
She's a terrible gossip.
Wait, go back to the bit about the 38 double G breasts.
What? That's not important.
What is important is that I destroyed the town, lost my family and according to Fr.
Gabriel, I'm going to spend eternity in hell, all because I'd notions.
The choppy/changey hair do.
The latest fashion item from Dunnes Boutique.
The jizzy milk.
Buying the Gold Blend instead of the regular blend.
Notions.
He's probably right.
I'd sell my soul for a microwave oven.
Really? Look, there's only one way to sort this.
You're going to have to give me 250,000.
- I'll give you a million.
- What? But there's one thing you need to do for me.
But we've done that already.
I'll go longer the second time.
- No, it's just up.
- Shut up! - No, it's shut up.
- Shut up.
No.
Look at me.
Shut up.
Shut up.
(HELICOPTER) - Jesus.
.
- Christ.
Shut up! Call everybody! I've got great news.
Okay.
Before you all actually kill me because I lost the lottery money, Noreen, answer me this.
You bought the 7 bedroom home in Wexford.
With what? Dolores, your fancy holiday home in France.
That must've cost you an awful lot of money.
Concepta, your mammary glands.
How much did that cost? Four grand for one.
Two of them for seven.
That's a good bargain.
This better be going somewhere, Bridget.
Oh it is.
It is.
Concepta, how did you get the money? I just asked the bank.
- And they gave it to you? - Yes.
They gave it to all of you.
See.
We didn't need to win the lottery to be loaded.
All we had to do was ask the bank.
Some bank called Anglo just gave me a million.
All I have to do is throw up 60 apartments in Kinnegad.
What could possibly go wrong? That's brilliant.
There's literally nothing that can go wrong with that plan.
Right.
Keep it amongst ourselves.
We don't want everyone doing it.
Apart from that, she's right lads.
Nothing possibly can go wrong.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE) Eamon, I'm so happy.
For the first time in my life I've done something great.
Now, that's the ground floor done.
Only 59 more to go.
That's all wrong Bridget.
That has to come down.
- What? - You can't have the kitchen and living room in one room.
No-one lives like that.
Eamon, it's pure modern or something.
I'm doing it from the plans.
Where's the car park? Have you started it? No.
Ð6,000 for an apartment in Kinnegad.
No-one's going to pay for that.
But the man from Dublin, he said.
The man from Dublin.
Anglo.
They saw you coming.
The day an Irishman moves into an apartment is the day Gay gives up the Late Late.
Take off the helmet.
That's not going to help you in a crash.
But I like the helmet Eamon.
Can I keep the helmet? Eamon.
Eamon! Do you know what I think would be a great idea to get back some of the money? - What? Bottled water.
When you go into a shop you can't buy a bottle of water.
God Love you Concepta.
You're fierce stupid.
Who in their right mind is going to buy a bottle of water! Sure it's free.
It's a great idea.
You could add some fizz to it.
Have a sparkling version.
Jizzy water.
Are you telling me people are going to go into the shops and buy jizzy water? No, no, no.
What do you think Eamon? Tits.
Sorry, I'd buy a bottle of fizzy tits.
Sorry, water.
See.
Eamon agrees.
Go home Concepta.