Brooklyn Nine-Nine s01e03 Episode Script

For the last time, the best cop movies, Training day, lethal weapon, and Fargo.
- End of discussion.
- Wrong.
Die hard is the best cop movie of all time.
One cop heroically saving the day while everyone else stands around and watches.
It's the story of my life.
I like Turner & Hooch.
Tom Hanks, reluctant friendship with a dog.
That hits me where I live.
No.
Robocop.
It's got everything I like Gratuitous violence.
Oh, I thought you were listing things.
- I was.
I'm done.
- Okay.
Let's talk bad boys.
That's the perfect cop movie.
Mr.
Smith, lookin' fine.
A hot cup of tea Leone.
Come on.
Francois Truffaut's breathless.
What? Terry likes foreign films.
Mm-kay.
There is a correct answer to this question, though.
So gather around for the greatest cop film of all time.
Please refrain from texting during our presentation.
Excuse me, ma'am.
All right, so there's Hitchcock.
And there's an old hooker.
There it is! Come on, guys, that happened four years ago.
Shh, this is the best part.
Takes the wallet and here she goes! Hey, love the sweater.
Who you slayin' tonight, lady killer? Well, we shall see what we shall see.
No, you're dressed exactly like the lady killer.
Damn it! This is Jeffrey Dahmer's corduroys all over again.
All right, let's get started.
Scully.
Where are you on digitizing the old case files? As of yesterday, I'm officially 1% done.
Why are you smiling? That's nothin'.
There are thousands of cases, and for each one, I have to fill out on 50 different screens.
At least you get to sit on your butt all day.
That's actually the worst part.
My doctor said I have an anal canyon.
Ugh, God, Scully, why are you always telling us about your disgusting body? I don't see anything.
That's because it's all wart.
How are you married? Peralta, where are we on the Adams street burglary? We are very close, Captain.
Aside from a complete absence of evidence, suspects, or leads.
So, in conclusion, not at all close.
And the Vickers street aggravated assault? Stalled out, and the Calloway robbery also remains unsolved Due to a lack of solving it by me.
Sounds like someone's in a little bit of a slump.
I'm not in a slump.
You're not? Scoreboard.
I don't slump, people.
I opposite slump.
I p-muls.
That's "slump" backwards, and it's what I do.
I p-muls all over this bitch.
Dismissed.
- Slump.
- P-muls! Wait before you say anything, I want to guess what happened, based on your face.
Someone died.
No! You won a prize! I'm not getting better at this.
I'm concerned that the open cases mound of garbage on your desk has become so much higher than the closed cases - mound of garbage.
- All right, sir.
Let me hit you with a little analogy.
Are you familiar with race cars? Formula 1 or stock? That's already way more than I know about it.
The point is, I'm a super-awesome race car who's hit a couple of unlucky speed bumps.
You got speed bumps on a race track? Is that not part of car racing? It should be.
All I'm saying is, it's open road again.
I'm about to close a case.
Missing grandma Helen Sterrino.
Last Sunday, her grandson Judd reported she went out for bagels and never came back.
This morning, we picked up an old lady matching her description exactly.
I showed her pictures of Judd, and she said, and I quote, "That's my grandson.
" What did I say about doing voices? I'm a storyteller, sir.
It's my craft.
Anyways, grandson's coming in.
They reunite, and I throw another case on the old "solved it" pile.
Hey, my croissant.
You wanted to see me, Captain? Yes, the D.
A.
wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay street drug bust.
That's why we do this, sir.
For praise? Uh There's a community outreach program that's very important to me.
I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
Absolutely, sir.
I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up.
I will dive in, swim around it, and just be altogether good with it.
Be more articulate when you speak to the children.
Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.
Hey, sarge, I need someone to fill out a lineup.
Will you be scary Terry? Oh, I love being scary Terry.
He says what regular Terry's thinking.
This is takin' too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market! But I'm too busy.
I've got a special case I'm working on.
Uh, Hitchcock, Boyle needs you to fill out a lineup.
Oh, great.
I'll take my shirt off.
No one asked you to take your shirt off.
Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.
I can't hear you! Shirt's over my ears.
Hi, Rosa.
Ooh, I like your shoes.
They're a really pretty - What do you need? - Color.
Okay.
You know how, every year, the precinct does that Junior police program seminar? That thing where we try to get a bunch of loser kids to become student snitches? No, the thing where we try to get at-risk kids - Losers.
- To sign up to become Junior police officers.
Snitches.
What about it? Captain specifically asked me to run it this year.
I signed you up to do it with me.
Here's the info.
Now I gotta read something? Greetings.
Fine.
I guess I can help you with those at-risk kids.
I don't need your help.
It's nothing personal, it's just You're not a cop, so I'm not really sure - you could help.
- Okay.
No hard feelings.
But I hate you.
Not joking.
Bye.
Ah, Mr.
and Mrs.
Terrino.
I'm glad you're here.
May I present to you Oh, my darlings.
Thank God I found you.
Oh, look at those beautiful cheeks.
I have no idea who this lady is.
I've never seen her before in my life.
What? No, she recognized you.
This is Helen.
Who's Helen? Oh! That's my husband.
Solomon! I'm I'm not really her husband.
You're so much shorter than you used to be.
What did the Japanese do to you? Different generation.
Okay, this is Ethel Musterberg from the prospect heights senior center.
There was an I.
D.
card in her back pocket.
Why was your hand in her back pocket? Well, she told me she didn't have any I.
D.
, and, unlike Boyle, my first instinct was not to caress her butt.
Frisked! I frisked her butt! It looks like this case remains unsolved, Peralta.
Oh, my God.
I'm in a slump! Oh, cool.
You're all here in the break room.
You asked us to come in here.
What? Here's a hypothetical question.
Let's say I knew someone that, for the first time in their career, was experiencing, like, a minor slump.
What do you think you would suggest to that person if they were going through that? Well, I haven't really been in a slump since my divorce.
So I'd tell this person, "maybe get divorced.
" He'd have to get married first.
Okay, so the suggestion to beat is get married and then divorced.
Rosa? Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar, bone a stranger, slump over.
Wow, that sounds amazing.
- Yeah.
- That's a good one.
Sarge, what would you do? Okay, do you have a backup plan in case my hypothetical person can only do What's going on in here? We're helping Jake's friend got out of his slump.
Or try working a case until it's solved, Peralta.
I always find that closing cases is the best way to end the slump.
Thank you, Captain! He's right.
You just need a win.
Pick your easiest, no-brainer case, and work it till it's done.
Fine! Right after I do Rosa's Montreal sex thing.
That sounds fun.
Yeah.
Okay, this is the Junior police program.
Aka "mission possible.
" Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get your life back on track.
Narc! Hey, Gina.
What are you doing? Oh, hi, Amy.
Since I have nothing to offer, and since I'm not a cop, I thought I'd just show up and learn.
Do you wanna help me out here? Nah, I think I'm good.
I know you think getting in trouble is cool.
But let me show you what can happen if you continue down this path.
Hey, yo, I'm an at-risk kid, and I think it's cool to sell drugs.
Hold up why does the kid selling drugs sound like he's black? He's not.
Well, why not? Are you saying that black people can't sell drugs? No, I'm not saying that.
We have a black President.
Why can't black people sell drugs? I'm so confused.
Black people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Black people can sell drugs! Don't make me hit you again.
Um I'm building this dollhouse for my girl.
It's her birthday tomorrow.
I told my wife I'd get it done.
I had the same exact one when I was a kid! Mom, Charles is hogging my doll house! Grandma bought it for the both of us! - You want some help, big man? - No! I can do this.
It's just driving me a little crazy.
Where do I affix the princess tower, Boyle? - Where do I affix it? - On the side of the turret Not now, Boyle.
Let a brother breathe.
Let a brother breathe.
Why would I swap cases with you? I got multiple calls that a guy in the sackett towers is dealing meth out of his apartment.
It's a guaranteed arrest.
And therefore will have a ton of paperwork, which I know you hate.
I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence.
It's unsolvable, and thus Shall have no paperwork.
You had me at "no paperwork.
" That was the very end of the sentence.
All right, Boyle.
Let's hit it.
So where are you going, Peralta? I am on my way to ending the slump.
I got a dunker, Captain.
Nothin' but net.
Hey, slump, you're about to get nailed by the Jake hammer.
So you haven't solved any of your old cases, and yet you've taken on a new one.
I mean, shouldn't you at least solve this Helen Sterrino missing grandmother case first? Or I could solve the super easy one, get my mojo back, and move on to catching the zodiac killer.
Am I getting ahead of myself? No, you are not, Jake rabbit.
I like Jake hammer better.
Let's go.
Ah.
I did not think getting these kids to sign up would be this hard.
These kids don't wanna listen to you.
You're like Smart and articulate.
So are you! Why am I offended by that? They don't identify with you because you're not from the streets.
I am.
Follow, watch, learn.
All right, listen up.
I know you think you're badasses.
But deep down, you're scared.
How do I know? Because I've been that same scared kid.
And if you don't get your crap together, I'm gonna end up busting you and throwing you in jail.
Got it? Remix, yo! Throwing you in jail Throwing you in jail Got it? Throwing you in jail What's happening? I think they're laughing at you.
That's never happened before.
I don't like it.
got it? Freeze! NYPD, hands where I can see them.
Don't shoot! I was just practicing my minuets, but I'll hold it down.
All right, flute man, who else is in this apartment? Where's the dealer? I live here alone with my birds.
What, you don't think I know this M.
O.
? These are mules.
They're drug mules.
They're bird mule drugs.
Drug bird mules.
Apartment's clear.
We got multiple calls about a dealer here.
I bet it's the silly kids down the hall.
They love prank calling me.
The only drugs in this apartment are for my heart, my liver, my kidney, my salivary glands, and my penis and my feet.
Oh, bird pooped on your shoulder.
No, wait Pooped on your head, then dripped onto your shoulder.
I'm telling you, it's good luck.
No, it isn't, okay? That's just something people say when a bird poops on you to make you feel better because it's terrible.
Fore, comin' in! Oh, come on.
I was at the crime scene.
This guy comes up out of nowhere, confesses.
Well, he says he's gotta make things right, so helps me track down his accomplices.
That is so great, man.
Looks like everything's comin' up Hitchcock.
Hey, Jake.
You busy? Yes, I very clearly am busy.
The medical examiner's office just called.
They mishandled some evidence.
So the D.
A.
's gonna have to dismiss your last two busts.
Great.
And the slump gets worse.
I don't think it's a slump.
Honestly, you are straight-up cursed.
Good to know.
Can you hand me a paper towel, please, Gina? There's no more left.
Yeah, that sounds right.
Hey.
You're dripping on my carpet.
Oh, don't worry, sir.
It's just urinal water.
Clean urinal water.
You could eat off his shirt.
Why would I ever eat off his shirt? Look, sir, I don't know what's going on, but I think I'm cursed.
Cursed, huh? The freakiest things have been happening to me.
I mean, I can't solve a case to save my life.
Birds are unloading on me left and right.
And, two seconds ago Hey, sarge, do we have any old t-shirts in here? I Cursed.
Yeah, I've seen this kind of thing before.
It happened to a friend of mine back in the 1-8.
Detective Smith.
We called him smitty.
He thought he was cursed, and because cops are superstitious, the whole precinct thought he was cursed.
But then he found a case, and he solved it, and now he's married to Kate Upton.
No.
No one would go out on calls with him.
He responded to a riot at a gym without backup, and got beaten up by a girls' volleyball team.
It was actually quite violent.
Man Girls are so scary.
I don't want you out in the field again, Peralta.
I'm pulling you from casework.
You can digitize old files with Scully.
You're benching me? No, no, no, look I've got a plan.
Give all my open cases to Hitchcock, who's suddenly on a roll, and assign me Eventually, my luck will turn.
No, I don't think that's what's best for you or the squad.
Not until this blows over.
And how long will that be? Could be a week, could be a month.
Could be a year.
Could be a decade.
Sorry, we're just saying bigger and bigger numbers.
I don't know how to connect with these kids.
They're mean and shallow and respect nothing.
I mean, what kind of person would they even listen to? Hitchcock, stop bringing your food in little Tupperware containers.
It hurts my fingers when I'm trying to open it.
Sorry! Hey, Gina.
That's a super cute What do you want? Sweater.
Okay.
Rosa and I think it would be great if you talked to the kids.
Mm, I thought only cops could help.
In this case, not being a cop might actually be better.
Mm, that's true.
In all cases, cops are the worst.
"Enter the numbers from this report "into the corresponding boxes on the screen.
Then fill out these fields.
" And I'm in a coma.
Hey, Hitchcock.
Help me out, man.
I'm so bored.
Let me jump back on that murder with you.
No.
I got it.
Come on, man, let me just No, don't touch it! You're contagious.
Everything could fall apart! Geraldo, leave Hitchcock alone! Come here.
I got in touch with smitty.
He says that you should rub this rabbit's foot with your left forefinger and your pinky, like this, for good luck.
Okay? Now you try it.
Okay.
Yep.
It's definitely helping.
I can feel it.
The curse is lifting off of me.
Ah, hand cramp! Rub, rub, rub.
You okay? The fairy princess castle has defeated me.
I'm a grown man with man hands and a man brain.
I should be able to put together a dollhouse in less than four hours.
Why does it have to be so hard? Look this screw has three pointy sides.
And nowhere to screw it in! And there's wheels.
What kind of castle has wheels? All right Yes.
Wait a minute.
Hey, just heading to the can.
Take the rabbit's foot.
Roger that.
Hey.
What's going on? Hey.
Well, I'm not allowed to leave my desk, so we have to meet in here.
So what you're saying is that this is kind of a No, for the last time, Charles, we don't need a clubhouse.
Clubhouse! Clubhouse.
You know what I'm thinking No clubhouse.
I need you to make these calls for me.
Don't let Holt see you.
But if my hunch is right, the slump is over.
Come through for me, Boyle.
You know I will.
All right.
I'm just saying, put a couple leather chairs in here.
Go! Children, your problem is not that you're troubled or at-risk or bad dressers.
Is that a trucker hat? Still? Come on.
Your problem Is that you don't have passion for anything.
My life turned around when I found my passion.
And today, well, I hope to inspire you with it.
Mm-mm-hmm-hmm 'Cause you are beautiful No matter what they say Words can't bring you down No, no, no 'Cause you are beautiful In every single way What are we thinking? Yes, in the denim.
I think I speak for everyone when I say your weird dancing was just weird.
Fine.
Cops make $52,000 a year.
You never have to stop at a red light.
And you get to carry a gun.
Who wants in? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
You got eight kids to sign up.
How did you know that would work? That's what made me sign up when I was a kid.
You did this program? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It does not work.
They're here.
Fantastic.
Too dramatic? No.
Hi.
Why are we in the bathroom? I thought you might ask that, and I will answer in due time.
But first, I know what happened to your grandma.
Nothing.
What are you talking about? The reason I couldn't find her is because she never existed.
I had Detective Boyle make some calls, and it turns out you've done this before.
Five missing persons reports in five different states.
Recognize this? What are you accusing us of? Probably insurance fraud.
Definitely filing a false report and obstruction of justice.
Now, you were wondering why we did this in the bathroom.
It's because you're full of crap.
Blammo! Jake hammer strikes again.
Jake hammer strikes again.
Detectives.
I see we got eight recruits for the Junior police program.
Outstanding.
Thank you, sir.
But, as important as your praise is to me, it should actually go to Gina.
She's the one that got through to the kids.
Yes, I am amazing.
And I only ask for one thing in repayment.
A 600% raise.
Or I can give you a zero percent raise and make you my personal assistant, which is what I'm doing.
I think you have hidden talents, which will make you surprisingly good the job.
No, I have no talents.
You start Monday.
Ugh.
Constantly getting Holt's approval is the worst.
Yes.
I can only imagine.
Well, the curse is over.
The slump is done.
Jake is back.
Permission to take a selfie of the two of us, sir? Permission denied.
Too late.
Ah, that was a good one.
So, the rabbit's foot worked, huh? Ah, maybe.
All I know is my mind was so numb from doing all that boring data entry that my brain kind of rebooted, and I had an inspiration about one of my old cases.
And I now see that that was your plan all along.
And that you're capable of smiling.
All talented detectives have their ups and downs, Peralta.
So you think I'm talented.
You said it.
No takebacks.
You know why Boyle doesn't slump? Because his whole life is a slump? Because he doesn't let adversity get him down.
He keeps grinding.
If I'd given you those new cases, the second you hit a snag, you would have spiraled again.
You need to stay out of your own head.
Okay.
But, sir, I don't get it.
If that was your plan, why bother with smitty and the rabbit's foot? Well, there's a very good reason for that.
I was, uh, I believe the term is, uh Messing with you.
Oh I see what's going on here.
We're becoming homies.
Office Christmas card candidate, right here! Me and Holt are homies! Hey, sarge.
I assembled the castle for you.
Here it is.
Oh, my God.
What happened to all the princess flourishes? Well, they were destroyed, so I turned it into a princess police station.
You know, some jobs take brains, some jobs take muscles, some jobs take dainty little fingers.
Did I ever tell you I had to wear a woman's wedding ring? Thank you, Boyle.
I appreciate it.
You're a good dad.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
Oh, check this out.
Working siren.
I'll fix that! I'll fix I'll fix that.