Bumping Mics with Jeff Ross & Dave Attell (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Sunday
1
Guys, thanks for coming.
We know it's hot, so before we go in,
how about some free ice cream?
(APPLAUSE)
JEFF: I always like
Sunday nights because,
on the weekends people go out,
it's date night or whatever.
But on Sunday,
people who really want to laugh,
or really big comedy fans,
they make the effort
to come out on a Sunday.
DAVE: Here you go, flight risk.
(LAUGHTER)
It's not as good as health care,
but it's ice cream.
WOMAN: Thank you.
(CROWD CHEERING)
MAN: Coming to the stage,
Dave Attell and Jeffrey Ross,
Bumping Microphones!
The comedy duo!
(CHEERING)
DAVE: Give it up for Ryan, everybody.
(CHEERING)
Yeah.
Yes.
Good times.
Good morning, everybody.
Welcome to Bumping Mics.
It's our last show.
(APPLAUSE)
We made it Dave.
We made it.
We sure did, buddy.
And look, Fred Flintstone came out.
Look at that.
Nice.
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff,
I love these guys, I think I saw them
on Wheel of Fortune in the '80s.
They look great.
"Is there an E."
(LAUGHTER)
Great to see you, Dave. You look like
an umpire during a rain delay.
Oh, really?
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, coming from a guy who looks like
a landlord in a gay porno.
I don't think
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
It's on now, it's on.
Dave looks like he's always dressed
for asbestos removal.
(LAUGHTER)
I told you not to talk about
my other gig.
I mean, really.
It's hot Jeff.
It's so hot out there. Did everybody
get ice cream before the show?
(CHEERING)
That was so nice.
(APPLAUSE)
By the way, when you go for ice cream now
it's a completely different experience.
It is. Thank you.
Everyone's so politically correct.
Yeah, I went for some vanilla ice cream
and it's no longer called vanilla anymore.
"Privilege." Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
"Can I get two scoops of Privilege
in a gender-neutral cone, please?"
(LAUGHTER)
Can we say hi to our front row?
Let's do it.
What's up you guys.
What's your name, sir?
Eric.
Eric?
And what's her name?
Haley.
Haley?
And what's the name of your podcast
about serial killers.
Go ahead.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Where you from, Haley?
Georgia.
Wow.
Georgia, okay.
So you two dating
isn't even legal down there.
DAVE: Wow. Shame!
Shame, shame.
Where'd you guys meet exactly?
In a bar, yeah.
In a bar, alright.
I met Jeff at a all-you-can-eat buffet.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, Dave was working there.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
What do you think, Dave?
Looks like a nice couple.
I think they're great, dude, I think it's
that kind of night,
everyone's gonna get drunk.
We're gonna have a great time,
you know?
And maybe, if things go really good,
we'll turn the air conditioning on.
What do you think? Yeah?
I mean, let us earn it.
(CHEERING)
Why don't you take
one of your seven layers off?
Fuck no!
(LAUGHTER)
Excuse me.
Can I ask these guys
Are you going to
shovel the driveway after the show?
Oh, fuck off!
Fuck off, man.
It's fucking summertime!
Holy shit.
Dave's dressed like a guy who has a job
nobody wants when they're growing up.
(LAUGHTER)
What am I, your manager?
That what it is?
(LAUGHTER)
Come on
You got me, finally!
You fucking
got me, bro.
(CHEERING)
You got
Next.
Next.
I can't really talk.
Why?
Because I have to get these guys
in a cab to go to the Carnival Cruise.
So these guys, how was it?
Where we going?
(LAUGHTER)
You guys are something else.
What's going on, man?
They are great.
Wow, how long have you been
an astronaut's wife?
Oh, nice one. I always love that.
Where you from? Memphis.
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
That voice makes me want to vote.
Here we go.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what I'm saying, now?
(LAUGHTER)
Gotta keep the wrong element out of there.
(THUD)
Thank you, Jeff. It's about time.
JEFF: Are you patriotic?
I know you stay up on politics and stuff.
You were telling me,
I know you care about the environment
and stuff like that.
Did you hear what happened
to the EPA website?
What do you mean?
You know,
the Environmental Protection website?
There's a new administration
and it's definitely different.
I was on there today.
So different, like a big, I think there
was a banner headline that said
"Recycling is for fags."
No.
Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
They were in the midst
Sorry, a woman's still
laughing at my joke, Jeff.
Sorry, I know
we're on a time.
Quiet, lady!
(LAUGHTER)
It's only a half hour, but let me get
a laugh from a beautiful woman.
It's a lady's time in the world now.
It is.
It's an empowerment revolution.
As I man, I surrender.
I think men have fucked this world up.
So bad, it's time to find out
what you bitches are going to do with it.
(LAUGHTER)
It is.
(WOMEN WHOOPING)
Dave.
Yes?
It's tough being a man right now.
Bruce Jenner got out just in time.
He did!
He sure did.
(LAUGHTER)
What did he know?
I don't get it.
Collusion!
I don't judge people,
but if you're going to jump hurdles
in the Olympics, wouldn't
you cut your dick off before that?
Yeah, tape it behind your leg,
do something.
By the way, I'm ready
to live in a world
where people finally keep
their hands to themselves.
I mean, Harvey Weinstein
Who ever would have guessed
that a fat, disgusting movie producer
would turn out to be a total scumbag? Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
They asked the reporter where he got
the story, he's like, "I asked anybody."
(LAUGHTER)
Wow, Jeff.
Harvey Weinstein is so fat
he's the only person in Hollywood
who hasn't seen his dick.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
DAVE: Yeah.
DAVE: You're on top of it.
He's fat!
He's fat!
This went from comedy show to rally.
This is crazy in here.
Harvey Weinstein's so fat
he got #methree'd.
Two in a row.
And the Fox News guy, Bill O'Reilly?
He had to pay some woman
a $32 million dollar settlement.
Yeah.
What did he do to that poor woman?
(LAUGHTER)
Did he force her to watch
his television show?
Oh, Jeff.
(THUD)
(CHEERING)
Alright.
Jeff, look.
What?
It's you, if you owned a cat.
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: Yes. Wow. Ew.
Oh, that is weird.
Meow!
Fuck, this is a hot crowd, Jeff.
It's all good.
Jeff, this is fun, because we're
on the road, we went to Vegas
That was the most fun.
Oh, God.
You know, Vegas just legalized pot.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
I really hope they work that
into the commercial for Vegas.
"Do you like gambling?
Do you like non-stop entertainment?
How about giggling in a hotel room alone?
Do you like that?
You fucking pothead."
(LAUGHTER)
(JEFF AND DAVE LAUGH)
What happens in Vegas
now stays in Vegas
'cause you can't remember
what the fuck happened.
Exactly.
(THUD)
It was a good time.
I wanted to stay in a hotel that, well
Dave, I really don't feel like arguing with you
right now. I'm sorry, it still bothers me, so
Dave wanted to stay at New York, New York,
but it was sold out so I booked us
at Newark, Newark.
Yeah, it was really bad.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man, that was tough.
You took a shit in the lobby.
Oh, God.
There was a shopping cart in the pool.
It was horrible!
(LAUGHTER)
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Vegas was fun, there were a lot
of fun places we went to.
We were in Seattle, remember that?
That was really good.
Seattle, where's Seattle here?
Anybody?
MAN: Whoo!
Nice.
Um, Seattle is cool,
'cause that's a hi-tech town.
All the apps and hi-tech stuff.
And you know me, I'm not a real
hi-tech guy, I've got this flip phone.
You know.
This how old the phone is, okay?
I was walking down the street
with the flip phone.
This guy came up to me goes,
"Hey man, I just got out of jail.
Can I use your phone?"
And I'm like, "Yeah."
And he's like, "No, that's okay."
What the fuck, Jeff?
He just got out of jail.
Your flip phone, huh?
Do you have Wi-Fi on that?
Yeah, no, it's an old phone,
it's kind of like an old person.
It takes a long time to warm up
and then it's just racist.
(LAUGHTER)
You got to update that shit.
Wow, look at this.
Hi, how you doing? Welcome. Can I just
show you what he's using as a phone?
CLERK: Yeah, sure.
I rock the classic flip phone.
Haven't seen these in years.
You haven't?
Look at that.
Do you even sell those still?
No.
Everything now has
some type of touch screen.
Show him how you text?
Everyone has their style.
He has to hit every letter three times.
It makes noise.
Oh wait, I gotta start over. Sorry, delete.
You've really sent text messages like that?
Can we upgrade him somehow?
I can't, what is that?
It's an iPhone.
I thought that was Really?
JEFF: It's like magic.
It has a big screen
and you've got a full keyboard,
you don't have to
Yeah, but it doesn't flip up.
How do you do it?
You open it, you press
the button on the side.
This gets Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, everything.
Bluetooth, that's insulting.
Oh, you mean the thing.
Excuse me.
Na, you get everything here.
Does it play Kong?
Yup.
How about Ms. Pac Man?
Yup.
Wow, seems pretty advanced to me.
You could do everything with this phone.
Really?
Everything.
I don't know, should we play God?
You're going to be able to write
jokes down, record your sets,
book your flights.
No.
Get it touch with me.
Fuck it, Dave, keep your flip phone.
I appreciate it dude.
Some things are meant to stay.
Angel, call me baby.
Sure, if you change your mind
Call me.
I got you.
Wait, I lost you already,
the Wi-Fi is down.
(LAUGHTER)
But you know, I do get Wi-Fi on it
but it's slow.
Like, I'm getting one right now.
OJ is driving south.
Really? So, is he alright? Wow,
what's going to happen? Yeah.
Hope he makes it.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm worried about OJ,
are you worried about OJ?
Is anybody else? Am I the only one?
How's he going to make money?
'Cause if he doesn't,
he's going to kill again.
(LAUGHTER)
You're right.
I think OJ should do a podcast
with Bill Cosby.
Wow.
Whoa.
"Hey, hey, hey,
it's Bill and OJ."
Oh, man.
I puts 'em to sleep
and he stabs them in the back.
Alright, we get it.
We get it, Jeff.
(GROANS)
Alright, he'll do this all night.
Sponsored by Blue Apron.
(LAUGHTER)
Home delivered meals when you're
on the house arrest.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave Attell
Alright!
Looks like a zookeeper
for depressed animals.
Ah, shit.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave Attell
Alright!
put the rufie in the pudding.
Dave, how was the whale watch?
Oh
Waitress, get I get a club soda
and a ball-gag?
Can I just get a ball-gag up here?
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Jeff, you see these two women?
They're drinking a bottle of wine.
They're definitely celebrating
the reading of a will.
I don't know what they
What's
What's the name of your candle shop?
What you gonna call it?
(LAUGHTER)
Is it cool to see Jeff? He kind of looks
like a door man at a haunted house.
But, I mean
(THUD)
Don't bring me
into your little three-way over here.
Look at that.
Could be a four-way.
Where are you
Whoa, wait, what? Hold on.
(LAUGHTER)
Whoa, dim the lights.
Play something romantic.
Jeff, are you gonna
Here we go.
This is good Dave.
You gonna do it?
What are your names?
Amber and
Tiffany?
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
This is for Amber and Shmamber.
(LAUGHTER)
If you guys are here,
who's working at the Applebee's?
That's what I want to know.
(LAUGHTER)
"Hi, I'm Amber, can I take your order?"
Go ahead.
Jeff, please, I apologize.
This is for you, ladies.
Go ahead.
You are
sorta beautiful
Oh, fuck no.
from here.
(LAUGHTER)
I love chicks who dress
like referees.
Yes.
Can I ask a question?
Is penis size important?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, is it more important
than a ride home?
How about that.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
I had to drop the hammer.
How big is big,
let's hear some cock sizes now.
Yell out your cock size.
It's an old fashioned cock haggle.
Wait, what do you want to know?
Yell out the sizes, I want to hear
the ladies express themselves.
Penis width and length.
Whoa, easy, I didn't ask for a riddle.
Now
(LAUGHTER)
You're saying the width
and the length matter?
The width and the length.
How about integrity?
(LAUGHTER)
What happened to integrity?
Let's hear a number.
Let's hear a number, yell it out.
What's big?
Like, 30cm by length.
Canadian, damn.
Is this an Olympic year?
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
Hold on, could someone plug in my Alexa?
I think we need help on this one.
You know, with the exchange rate,
we probably have big dicks in Canada.
How about nine inches?
Nine inches is good?
Nine inches?
How about a five and a four
and one of them can dance?
How about that? Nothing?
JEFF: When it's working,
you're not working at all.
It's like riding a wave.
You just have to trust
that you're going to be funny.
Have to trust that Dave's gonna be funny.
And then once you get beyond that
then you're kind of like, just going.
I'd like to go back to the analogy
of riding a wave.
When was the last time
you actually rode a wave?
(JEFF LAUGHS)
One of our buddies
opened up the show tonight.
We love talking to him
because he's such a fun guy.
Is Joe here? Joe Mackie.
Joe Mackie, everybody.
Who is that?
(APPLAUSE)
Fantastic.
Joe everybody.
Great show tonight, man.
You killed it, bud.
Thank you guys.
You got some shmutz, hold on.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm good.
Joe, do you ever not smile?
Oh, yeah, I frown all the time.
Really?
Did it all start when that
magician put that curse on you?
Is that what happened? (LAUGHTER)
What is a frown? How do you frown,
do you have to do a headstand?
(LAUGHTER)
That was good, that was good.
(LAUGHTER)
What's your frown look like?
(LAUGHTER)
This is so fun.
Joe, you're a good guy.
Joe, what do you do when you're not
Thirty centimeters.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUDS)
Tip of the hat to Joe.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
No wonder he's smiling.
(LAUGHTER)
Way to go, Joe.
I know you can't stay 'cause your mom
has to pick you up outside
(LAUGHTER)
I'd
I don't want to roast you guys back.
Why not? Bring it, Joe.
You look like a Nascar driver
that no one wants to sponsor
because you're going to die soon.
Yeah? Wow.
Thanks.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks.
(CHEERING)
(THUDS)
Joe looks like the puppet
they use in courtrooms
for kids to point
to where their uncle touched them.
(THUD)
That is fucking great, that's great.
I deserve a break after that one.
You do. So now, Joe,
you see the crowd here.
Do you want to talk to anyone in specific?
We have a lot of cool people here.
I'll talk to that golfer.
You want to talk to him?
(LAUGHTER)
What would you like to say to him?
How did you two meet?
Uh, online dating.
Online dating, that's cool,
I've done that.
I've done that. I didn't
Wow, you're really bringing it hard, Joe.
Thanks.
I feel like I'm watching a college kid
try to buy drugs.
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever had your heart broken?
I have, bringing you up here.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm kidding.
Joe, don't go into your shame cycle,
don't do it.
Joe, you're hilarious.
Thank you for coming up here.
Thank you for having me, I appreciate it.
(CHEERING)
This is the crowd, Dave.
I'm feeling it.
Look at you, doing it.
Look at that.
(APPLAUSE)
Yes.
Sometimes I go to hot yoga
and I just lay on my mat
and cry for an hour.
DAVE: Aww.
That's what the mats are for,
in case you shit yourself.
You can just roll it up
and get the fuck out of there.
(LAUGHTER)
Namaste, motherfuckers.
"Namaste" means "it wasn't me."
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever tried this Dave?
What are you doing?
Yoga.
You're doing yoga?
I don't know if people can see this.
You got it? You okay?
Don't help me, I got it.
Are you seeing this?
This one now? Up? Oh, wow!
Look at this!
Wow!
(APPLAUSE)
Looks like a drunk guy
trying to handcuff himself.
I can't move.
I can't get out of this position.
You can't?
You sure?
I'm stuck.
You wiggle around a little bit?
Oh, don't do it!
Oh, okay, hold on a second.
We need a doctor, is there a doctor?
Preferably a doctor
with some movie credits.
Oh, look at this.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Dr. Ken Jeong!
Doctor Oh!
Oh, my God.
Yes!
Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
Whoa.
Dr. Ken, you did it!
Give it up for Dr. Ken, everybody.
(CHEERING)
Wow. Ken Jeong.
Jeff, how cool is that?
Oh, my God.
Oh, holy shit.
You know, Dr. Ken is a hero,
and Jeff just ate a hero.
This is great.
(LAUGHTER)
Is that true, you were doing
a show on the road
and somebody had a heart attack?
Someone had a seizure.
And she's all good, she's better.
But I went out and
me and an audience member
who happened to be a paramedic,
we just helped her kind of revive
from the seizure.
Holy mackerel.
No, she's good.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
So you were doing a show
and she had a seizure during your show,
who's jokes were you doing?
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Alright, here's this
Ken
Ken is a real doctor,
but he's also a hilarious comedian.
I've known him since he was beginning.
He was on an amateur contest that I judged
on The View.
Now he's gone on and obviously
become a big star and stuff like that
in The Hangover movies
When you were a judge.
"The funniest doctor in America"
on The View.
It was like 18 years ago when you judged.
Really?
Yeah, and you voted me
second place. (LAUGHTER)
It's payback time.
You didn't think I had the goods.
Well
It's payback time.
We have the first place winner
here tonight.
Sir, would you like to stand-up?
(LAUGHTER)
There's not enough stage
for this much entertainment,
I tell you that right now.
(LAUGHTER)
So how long have you been
practicing comedy?
I
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
And what season did they kill you off
on MASH? I forget now.
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever gotten
any of Kim Jung Un's mail?
What?
That's not appropriate.
Too soon, Dave, too soon.
No, that's his cousin's name.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
I'm sorry.
(APPLAUSE)
No, I just wanted to say, like,
you are my favorite comic in the world.
I grew up on Dave Attell,
no I'm very serious.
You are, I'm serious.
(CHEERING)
You are the reason I do stand up comedy
and I just idolize you.
I know you don't like to hear that,
but that's exactly why.
Hi, Jeff.
But that's exactly why I love you.
(APPLAUSE)
(THUD)
Dr. Ken, everybody.
Give him a hand.
DAVE: Wow.
Well.
I bet there are people from all over
the world here, let's hear some countries.
Where are you guys from?
Delaware.
Wow. Nice.
(LAUGHTER)
The one
The one place even MegaBus
won't go, that's crazy.
Delaware.
Where's Israal?
Oh, you know what? I'm Jewish.
Jeff's Jewish.
Boom, there you go.
(LAUGHTER)
We're two more away
from a condo board meeting.
(LAUGHTER)
You guys know Hanuka?
I'm sure your bosses told you about it.
Yeah, I mean
(LAUGHTER)
eight days.
Kind of like a flu, eight days.
Jeff, my favorite day is the fifth day,
cinco de Hanuka, I really love it.
Even the Saudi guy liked that one.
There you go, thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, that was important.
Jeff,
who else is here, Jeff?
You always invite some special guests.
So, you know, Dave and I have been on the
road for the better part of this year.
And we invited a lot of family
and friends down to these shows and
there's an organization called
the Bob and Lee Woodruff Foundation.
They Yeah.
They give a lot of money
and do a lot of things
for severely wounded veterans
of the armed forces.
We met a guy named Israel Del Toro,
we call him DT,
he dared us to roast him
a couple of weeks ago.
We kind of chickened out.
So he said, "I'm coming to your
fucking show, so you better roast me."
Israel, come up here for a second.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Good to see you again, buddy.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you.
What's happening, man?
Just jumping out of planes.
Jumping out of planes?
So you're still a flight instructor?
I just hit 21 years.
Twenty-one years in the air force.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
DAVE: That's great.
I heard Israel's story,
it's an amazing story.
In 2005, his
he ran over a fucking explosive
in Afghanistan,
and you're an inspiration,
you know, because
we all get down about our lives,
but for some reason
you stay positive.
I don't know how the fuck you do it.
Maybe it's because you get to star
in those Deadpool movies.
(LAUGHTER)
I do.
(THUDS)
Hit him back, Israel.
And, uh
I have a question.
Yeah?
If your name is Israel Del Toro,
what would be your porn name?
I mean, that sounds like
I actually thought of it already.
What would it be?
Burnt Diggler.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Nice one.
Jeff, we are being brought to school
tonight.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Oh, this is so much fun.
Anyway, let's see what else.
What else can we tell you
about Fatty Kruger over here.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh boy, Jeff.
Are you going to let him
get away with that?' Hit him back!
He's already been fucking roasted,
look at him.
ALL: Whoa!
This is not good.
This is great.
But you know, it's okay.
What's that?
Me being burnt,
I have great catch phrases like,
once you go burned, that's all you yearn.
Wow.
The ladies love a hero.
Right, ladies? I mean, you gotta think.
(WOMEN HOLLERING)
Israel kind of looks like
he was inside Jeff.
(LAUGHTER)
I see now.
If this bit doesn't get us cancelled,
nothing will.
I know, you're right. Wow.
Jeff, you're
Israel?
It's amazing, your hands are very unique.
It's a good thing you weren't
jerking off when that bomb hit.
DAVE: Yeah.
Jeff, too much!
That's what saved my hand.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
This game Lot of back and forth.
Jeff, you can never top
a military man.
This was fun, so we finally got to,
like, roast you for real.
Final thoughts before we move on?
Ow.
The only thing I can probably say is,
you know, I've always felt
different around people.
But, between you two,
makes me look like George Clooney.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Israel.
Give it up!
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Thanks, man.
Jeff, that was great.
That was nice!
(KEYBOARDIST PLAYS
"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER")
Jeff
Dude,
this show has the best special effects.
(LAUGHTER)
We have people from all over,
that's for sure.
I heard people from Mexico are here,
is that true?
Alright.
What's up?
What part of Queens is that?
(LAUGHTER)
I'm sorry.
(THUD)
I apologize.
(APPLAUSE)
Immigrants come to America
and they do the jobs
that Americans don't want to do.
Yeah.
Like fuck the President.
Right!
(CROWD CHEERING, HOLLERING)
He did some thinking.
So you're saying
So Jeff, you're saying
immigrants built this land.
Immigrants built this land.
I don't think we should be
separating families, I think that's wrong.
Although, I do think we should not be
(APPLAUSE)
we should not be separating
families at the border,
but we should keep kids in cages.
(LAUGHTER)
But only at the movie theaters
and restaurants.
Yes, airplanes.
We used to let everybody into America.
We have a very diverse audience here. Now,
America's, like, closing it's borders.
We're like a snobby club
with a douchy door guy.
Yeah.
Instead of a 2,000 mile wall
I think we should just put
velvet rope along the border
and let bouncers handle our business.
Sorry, Pedro. No flip-flops in America.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, you're with three chicks?
Sorry, come on, have a good time.
Yeah, let's do it.
Hear, hear.
Thank you for that, Dave.
(APPLAUSE)
That was nice.
That was beautiful.
When we first started
doing our Bumping Mics show
we did it up in Montreal
at the Comedy Festival
and some of our friends came out
to that. And one of them's here.
He's the brand new head writer
on Saturday Night Live,
and a good buddy of ours,
Michael Che is here.
DAVE: Yes.
(CHEERING)
Wow.
Yes.
Thank you guys.
You look great.
What's up, bud?
Wow, hi guys.
(CHEERING, HOLLERING)
Michael.
Michael, wow.
I'm really excited to do this.
Oh, hello, prequel.
(THUD)
(THUD)
I have a few questions.
This is fun!
You look like you guys own
rivaling pawn shops.
(LAUGHTER)
In a good way, all due respect.
Hey!
By the way,
that's our retirement plan.
This looks like every day
at small claims court.
It's just like
(LAUGHTER)
"His bike went into me!"
"No, you turned into him!"
"I don't know what happened there,
he was in my"
Jeff is dressed
like he's trying to teach me
that poetry and hip-hop is so similar.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes.
Dave, you're dressed
Do you think things are getting better
or worse in this country?
Better!
Can I ask a question? And this is racial.
Do you think America will ever be
cool enough for a black fishing show?
(LAUGHTER)
It would be called, Off the Hook.
I think it would be great No?
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry. Sorry, guys.
Dave, you're dressed like
you pick up hitchhikers
and you also are a hitchhiker.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Shit, why didn't I think of that?
Mike's good.
You guys look like Eskimo Brothers
for the same kid.
(LAUGHTER)
This is like the worst commercial
for 23 & Me.
(LAUGHTER)
So we're related? I don't get it.
Ah
Shae,
thanks for coming to our show
dressed for out-patient surgery.
(LAUGHTER)
Good one, Jeff.
What do you think of the Instagram,
all the text stuff.
Are you into that?
The tweets and all that kind of stuff?
Jeff's into all that.
Oh, no, he's very careful because
he gauges his fans
He does?
He takes it right to the line.
I told you,
I think you go too far out there.
That you've got to
That's why I like these live shows.
They're a safe haven
for all kinds of smack talk
and talking about
whatever you want, but
It's not safe out there.
Sometimes you gotta tell a nigga
to eat a dick.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh fuck, that's great.
Let me be the first to tell you
to eat a dick.
That's all it is.
I guess you're right.
Well, Che, you're a good pal,
This was so much fucking fun. You're beyond that man.
(CROWD HOLLERING) DAVE: Can I say something?
When I see the new guys coming up
and they're as cool and as funny as Mike,
it really makes me feel
like it's great, so thank you.
They're the future!
It's an honor.
An honor to have you be part of this.
Our pal Mike, everybody.
Give it up for Mike.
(CROWD CHEERING) -That was fun.
That was really good.
Jeff, let's talk to the crowd more.
Someone must be celebrating something,
look at the crowd here.
Are there any birthdays, anniversaries?
Happy birthday.
Is it a big one or a little one?
Did your wish come true
to sit behind Waldo? Was that it?
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha ♪
Jeff, are you gonna be over there?
I don't know, I was just wanting
to say hi to Waldo for a second.
Stand up for a second.
DAVE: This is great. Wow!
Uh, look at that guy, nice.
Wow.
What's up, stretch?
Which guard did you play
in Schindler's List?
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff?
What?
Ask him where he's from
and what he does.
Where you from and what do you do?
I'm from New York and I work for a company
that makes Rubik's Cubes.
You know Rubik's Cubes?
DAVE: Wow!
Wait, Rubik's Cubes?
(LAUGHTER)
You work for a company
that makes Rubik's Cubes?
And who you here with? Who's this?
My wife.
Oh, come here, hi.
You want to say hi?
Stand up for a second?
I love the curtains you're wearing.
That's great.
I have a question for these two.
When you guys make love,
does he turn you one way
and then goes, "That's not right,"
and then go all the way the other way?
And go, "Ah, that's better."
Then he's like, "I'll flip her around."
You know, like a Rubik's Cube, alright?
JEFF: A round of applause.
Come on, guys.
(APPLAUSE)
Look at him going.
Jeff's wandering like a wandering Jew.
You're not even on the show anymore,
you're over on Hulu.
How's it going over there?
You're in Handmaid's Tale right now.
How you doing, Miss?
What's your
Rhonda.
Rhonda, I love women
who cut their own hair.
DAVE: Nice.
(LAUGHTER)
Nice one, Jeff.
I gotta climb over these people,
I guess.
Whoa, easy, somebody spot him!
Paul Rudd was at the first show,
now he's at the second show.
Well bring him up here.
This is the fucking man.
Can he come up here?
Will you come up for a second?
(APPLAUSE)
One of the biggest
movie stars in the world,
Paul Rudd.
(CROWD CHEERING, HOLLERING)
Holy shit.
DAVE: Oh, God.
What the heck.
Oh my God.
I only didn't leave because I had,
no joke, seven tequilas.
(LAUGHTER)
And I didn't know leaving was an option.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm bumping you!
Oh, you're bumping me!
(THUDS)
You watched the show twice!
I watched it twice, I didn't even get
you were bumping me.
Ah, man, I feel terrible.
Oh, man.
So how was little league practice today?
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: Oh, my God.
(APPLAUSE)
Not bad, I
I went two for four
with a single and a double.
Wow.
I love Paul standing next to me
'cause it now makes me look like
the creepiest fucking thing in the world.
Now?
(LAUGHTER)
It looks like
It looks like Paul's secret charity,
adopt-a-Santa program.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave, have you ever met
a real life movie star before?
No, I met him two years ago when he was.
ALL: Whoa!
(THUDS)
Very good. That's pretty good.
Boom, boom ♪
Boom ♪
That's pretty good.
Hamma hamma, he ♪
Hamma dang a-boo ♪
Thank you. Sorry.
That was your best joke. That was your
That was your best joke
of the whole fucking weekend.
Thank you.
Oh, God, that's gonna be on Netflix.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul's a good guy, he really is.
He was is some great movies,
This is Forty.
Dave's gonna be in This is Eighty.
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff
Paul, one more.
Speaking of Wet Hot American Summer
(LAUGHTER)
Dave has to change
his colostomy bag.
Alright, we get it.
We get it. (THUD)
Alright.
(JEFF LAUGHS, DAVE SIGHS)
Oh Paul, you, uh
I don't know, man, it's just so fun
that you came to both shows.
You're like a real comedy fan.
I play poker with this guy,
I know how fun he is.
Might as well, if you weren't an actor,
what would you have done? Would you
have been a comedian or a writer?
If you could be anything,
what would you be?
I think I'd build tree houses.
(LAUGHTER)
Tree house master.
I started watching that
Tree House Masters show and it just
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, no joke.
That seems like a really great job.
Yeah, we need a tree house.
You got the the Shaunics.
You got Pete Nelson and the family.
It seems like a
I wonder what he wouldn't say
that you wouldn't be like,
"Yeah, whatever, that's Paul Rudd!"
I'm wet.
I'm wet, front and back.
Where are you from?
Canada.
What's your favorite Paul Rudd movie?
What's our favorite what?
Paul Rudd movie.
Did you know who he was?
Is it Clueless?
Phoebe and him were on Friends,
they were dating.
You've been in like 45 movies and TV shows
and she picks the one you weren't in.
(LAUGHTER)
Clearly I made a great impression
on Jeff Ross. I, uh
I was.
Of course I remember,
I was just playing around.
You fucked up.
(THUD)
DAVE: There you go.
What the fuck is going on here.
Paul has taken over.
(LAUGHTER)
First he captured our hearts,
now he's running the show.
(LAUGHTER)
So Paul, you're married, right?
I am, yeah.
Why are you dressed like you're divorced?
I mean, I was just curious.
(LAUGHTER)
I figured your lady would want you to
(LAUGHTER)
Well
(THUD)
Thank you.
Don't leave me hanging like that.
I know your wife, Julie.
She's very lovely.
She's sitting back there.
Give it up for Julie.
Not only that,
we have a babysitter
watching our kids tonight
and even Julie said, "Let's stick it out
for the second show."
Fuck yeah, baby!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Next stop, La Quinta Inn.
(LAUGHTER)
You made it, you did it.
You went from acting in New York
to you're a fucking Marvel super hero.
It's crazy, dude.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
However,
it is Ant Man.
(LAUGHTER)
Give it up for Paul Rudd.
Paul's the best.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Paul.
Paul Rudd.
That guy is cool.
Play something sexy.
No sex talk?
Jeff, what are we doing now?
What's going on?
So let's do a little
sort of sexy vibe,
to bring it all together.
We could dedicate this part of the show
to the ladies, I think.
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Let's hit 'em with a love song.
It's a sing-a-long, maybe if you're
with someone you care about
you can join hands.
It's called,
I want to lick your pussy like a mango.
DAVE: Wow, I love that one.
(ULULATES)
It's a sing-a-long.
(ULULATING CONTINUES)
DAVE: That's disgusting.
(LAUGHTER)
That's disgusting.
Ladies, if your man doesn't know
the lyrics, teach it to him right now.
DAVE: Yes. Uh
We lost all of Utah.
(HUMMING)
DAVE: Oh, Jeff.
(SNORTS)
(ULULATES)
Alright, just the ladies now.
(ULULATES)
DAVE: Wow.
Alright, just the Jews, Greeks,
and Italians now.
(VOCALIZES)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Alright.
Alright, just people
from the Middle East now.
(MIMICKING ARAB ULULATION)
DAVE: Oh, my God.
Jeff
Started a fatwa.
Folks, go home tonight
go home tonight, if the mood hits you,
make love to each other.
But think about me and Dave
while you're doing it.
(LAUGHTER)
Please.
We promise you, if you do that,
the sex will last longer.
Yes.
Good night, mom.
Thank you, everybody.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(JEFF SIGHS)
DAVE: Yup.
JEFF: Good show, bud.
It was great.
DAVE: Man, I wish we had
another show now, don't you?
I kinda do.
Yeah, I'm thinking we figured it out.
JEFF: I'm not sure we'll ever
figure it out, but it was fun.
DAVE: It was a great time, man.
The whole weekend.
Guys, thanks for coming.
We know it's hot, so before we go in,
how about some free ice cream?
(APPLAUSE)
JEFF: I always like
Sunday nights because,
on the weekends people go out,
it's date night or whatever.
But on Sunday,
people who really want to laugh,
or really big comedy fans,
they make the effort
to come out on a Sunday.
DAVE: Here you go, flight risk.
(LAUGHTER)
It's not as good as health care,
but it's ice cream.
WOMAN: Thank you.
(CROWD CHEERING)
MAN: Coming to the stage,
Dave Attell and Jeffrey Ross,
Bumping Microphones!
The comedy duo!
(CHEERING)
DAVE: Give it up for Ryan, everybody.
(CHEERING)
Yeah.
Yes.
Good times.
Good morning, everybody.
Welcome to Bumping Mics.
It's our last show.
(APPLAUSE)
We made it Dave.
We made it.
We sure did, buddy.
And look, Fred Flintstone came out.
Look at that.
Nice.
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff,
I love these guys, I think I saw them
on Wheel of Fortune in the '80s.
They look great.
"Is there an E."
(LAUGHTER)
Great to see you, Dave. You look like
an umpire during a rain delay.
Oh, really?
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, coming from a guy who looks like
a landlord in a gay porno.
I don't think
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
It's on now, it's on.
Dave looks like he's always dressed
for asbestos removal.
(LAUGHTER)
I told you not to talk about
my other gig.
I mean, really.
It's hot Jeff.
It's so hot out there. Did everybody
get ice cream before the show?
(CHEERING)
That was so nice.
(APPLAUSE)
By the way, when you go for ice cream now
it's a completely different experience.
It is. Thank you.
Everyone's so politically correct.
Yeah, I went for some vanilla ice cream
and it's no longer called vanilla anymore.
"Privilege." Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
"Can I get two scoops of Privilege
in a gender-neutral cone, please?"
(LAUGHTER)
Can we say hi to our front row?
Let's do it.
What's up you guys.
What's your name, sir?
Eric.
Eric?
And what's her name?
Haley.
Haley?
And what's the name of your podcast
about serial killers.
Go ahead.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Where you from, Haley?
Georgia.
Wow.
Georgia, okay.
So you two dating
isn't even legal down there.
DAVE: Wow. Shame!
Shame, shame.
Where'd you guys meet exactly?
In a bar, yeah.
In a bar, alright.
I met Jeff at a all-you-can-eat buffet.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, Dave was working there.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
What do you think, Dave?
Looks like a nice couple.
I think they're great, dude, I think it's
that kind of night,
everyone's gonna get drunk.
We're gonna have a great time,
you know?
And maybe, if things go really good,
we'll turn the air conditioning on.
What do you think? Yeah?
I mean, let us earn it.
(CHEERING)
Why don't you take
one of your seven layers off?
Fuck no!
(LAUGHTER)
Excuse me.
Can I ask these guys
Are you going to
shovel the driveway after the show?
Oh, fuck off!
Fuck off, man.
It's fucking summertime!
Holy shit.
Dave's dressed like a guy who has a job
nobody wants when they're growing up.
(LAUGHTER)
What am I, your manager?
That what it is?
(LAUGHTER)
Come on
You got me, finally!
You fucking
got me, bro.
(CHEERING)
You got
Next.
Next.
I can't really talk.
Why?
Because I have to get these guys
in a cab to go to the Carnival Cruise.
So these guys, how was it?
Where we going?
(LAUGHTER)
You guys are something else.
What's going on, man?
They are great.
Wow, how long have you been
an astronaut's wife?
Oh, nice one. I always love that.
Where you from? Memphis.
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
That voice makes me want to vote.
Here we go.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what I'm saying, now?
(LAUGHTER)
Gotta keep the wrong element out of there.
(THUD)
Thank you, Jeff. It's about time.
JEFF: Are you patriotic?
I know you stay up on politics and stuff.
You were telling me,
I know you care about the environment
and stuff like that.
Did you hear what happened
to the EPA website?
What do you mean?
You know,
the Environmental Protection website?
There's a new administration
and it's definitely different.
I was on there today.
So different, like a big, I think there
was a banner headline that said
"Recycling is for fags."
No.
Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
They were in the midst
Sorry, a woman's still
laughing at my joke, Jeff.
Sorry, I know
we're on a time.
Quiet, lady!
(LAUGHTER)
It's only a half hour, but let me get
a laugh from a beautiful woman.
It's a lady's time in the world now.
It is.
It's an empowerment revolution.
As I man, I surrender.
I think men have fucked this world up.
So bad, it's time to find out
what you bitches are going to do with it.
(LAUGHTER)
It is.
(WOMEN WHOOPING)
Dave.
Yes?
It's tough being a man right now.
Bruce Jenner got out just in time.
He did!
He sure did.
(LAUGHTER)
What did he know?
I don't get it.
Collusion!
I don't judge people,
but if you're going to jump hurdles
in the Olympics, wouldn't
you cut your dick off before that?
Yeah, tape it behind your leg,
do something.
By the way, I'm ready
to live in a world
where people finally keep
their hands to themselves.
I mean, Harvey Weinstein
Who ever would have guessed
that a fat, disgusting movie producer
would turn out to be a total scumbag? Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
They asked the reporter where he got
the story, he's like, "I asked anybody."
(LAUGHTER)
Wow, Jeff.
Harvey Weinstein is so fat
he's the only person in Hollywood
who hasn't seen his dick.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
DAVE: Yeah.
DAVE: You're on top of it.
He's fat!
He's fat!
This went from comedy show to rally.
This is crazy in here.
Harvey Weinstein's so fat
he got #methree'd.
Two in a row.
And the Fox News guy, Bill O'Reilly?
He had to pay some woman
a $32 million dollar settlement.
Yeah.
What did he do to that poor woman?
(LAUGHTER)
Did he force her to watch
his television show?
Oh, Jeff.
(THUD)
(CHEERING)
Alright.
Jeff, look.
What?
It's you, if you owned a cat.
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: Yes. Wow. Ew.
Oh, that is weird.
Meow!
Fuck, this is a hot crowd, Jeff.
It's all good.
Jeff, this is fun, because we're
on the road, we went to Vegas
That was the most fun.
Oh, God.
You know, Vegas just legalized pot.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
I really hope they work that
into the commercial for Vegas.
"Do you like gambling?
Do you like non-stop entertainment?
How about giggling in a hotel room alone?
Do you like that?
You fucking pothead."
(LAUGHTER)
(JEFF AND DAVE LAUGH)
What happens in Vegas
now stays in Vegas
'cause you can't remember
what the fuck happened.
Exactly.
(THUD)
It was a good time.
I wanted to stay in a hotel that, well
Dave, I really don't feel like arguing with you
right now. I'm sorry, it still bothers me, so
Dave wanted to stay at New York, New York,
but it was sold out so I booked us
at Newark, Newark.
Yeah, it was really bad.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man, that was tough.
You took a shit in the lobby.
Oh, God.
There was a shopping cart in the pool.
It was horrible!
(LAUGHTER)
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Vegas was fun, there were a lot
of fun places we went to.
We were in Seattle, remember that?
That was really good.
Seattle, where's Seattle here?
Anybody?
MAN: Whoo!
Nice.
Um, Seattle is cool,
'cause that's a hi-tech town.
All the apps and hi-tech stuff.
And you know me, I'm not a real
hi-tech guy, I've got this flip phone.
You know.
This how old the phone is, okay?
I was walking down the street
with the flip phone.
This guy came up to me goes,
"Hey man, I just got out of jail.
Can I use your phone?"
And I'm like, "Yeah."
And he's like, "No, that's okay."
What the fuck, Jeff?
He just got out of jail.
Your flip phone, huh?
Do you have Wi-Fi on that?
Yeah, no, it's an old phone,
it's kind of like an old person.
It takes a long time to warm up
and then it's just racist.
(LAUGHTER)
You got to update that shit.
Wow, look at this.
Hi, how you doing? Welcome. Can I just
show you what he's using as a phone?
CLERK: Yeah, sure.
I rock the classic flip phone.
Haven't seen these in years.
You haven't?
Look at that.
Do you even sell those still?
No.
Everything now has
some type of touch screen.
Show him how you text?
Everyone has their style.
He has to hit every letter three times.
It makes noise.
Oh wait, I gotta start over. Sorry, delete.
You've really sent text messages like that?
Can we upgrade him somehow?
I can't, what is that?
It's an iPhone.
I thought that was Really?
JEFF: It's like magic.
It has a big screen
and you've got a full keyboard,
you don't have to
Yeah, but it doesn't flip up.
How do you do it?
You open it, you press
the button on the side.
This gets Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, everything.
Bluetooth, that's insulting.
Oh, you mean the thing.
Excuse me.
Na, you get everything here.
Does it play Kong?
Yup.
How about Ms. Pac Man?
Yup.
Wow, seems pretty advanced to me.
You could do everything with this phone.
Really?
Everything.
I don't know, should we play God?
You're going to be able to write
jokes down, record your sets,
book your flights.
No.
Get it touch with me.
Fuck it, Dave, keep your flip phone.
I appreciate it dude.
Some things are meant to stay.
Angel, call me baby.
Sure, if you change your mind
Call me.
I got you.
Wait, I lost you already,
the Wi-Fi is down.
(LAUGHTER)
But you know, I do get Wi-Fi on it
but it's slow.
Like, I'm getting one right now.
OJ is driving south.
Really? So, is he alright? Wow,
what's going to happen? Yeah.
Hope he makes it.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm worried about OJ,
are you worried about OJ?
Is anybody else? Am I the only one?
How's he going to make money?
'Cause if he doesn't,
he's going to kill again.
(LAUGHTER)
You're right.
I think OJ should do a podcast
with Bill Cosby.
Wow.
Whoa.
"Hey, hey, hey,
it's Bill and OJ."
Oh, man.
I puts 'em to sleep
and he stabs them in the back.
Alright, we get it.
We get it, Jeff.
(GROANS)
Alright, he'll do this all night.
Sponsored by Blue Apron.
(LAUGHTER)
Home delivered meals when you're
on the house arrest.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave Attell
Alright!
Looks like a zookeeper
for depressed animals.
Ah, shit.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave Attell
Alright!
put the rufie in the pudding.
Dave, how was the whale watch?
Oh
Waitress, get I get a club soda
and a ball-gag?
Can I just get a ball-gag up here?
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Jeff, you see these two women?
They're drinking a bottle of wine.
They're definitely celebrating
the reading of a will.
I don't know what they
What's
What's the name of your candle shop?
What you gonna call it?
(LAUGHTER)
Is it cool to see Jeff? He kind of looks
like a door man at a haunted house.
But, I mean
(THUD)
Don't bring me
into your little three-way over here.
Look at that.
Could be a four-way.
Where are you
Whoa, wait, what? Hold on.
(LAUGHTER)
Whoa, dim the lights.
Play something romantic.
Jeff, are you gonna
Here we go.
This is good Dave.
You gonna do it?
What are your names?
Amber and
Tiffany?
(LAUGHTER)
Alright.
This is for Amber and Shmamber.
(LAUGHTER)
If you guys are here,
who's working at the Applebee's?
That's what I want to know.
(LAUGHTER)
"Hi, I'm Amber, can I take your order?"
Go ahead.
Jeff, please, I apologize.
This is for you, ladies.
Go ahead.
You are
sorta beautiful
Oh, fuck no.
from here.
(LAUGHTER)
I love chicks who dress
like referees.
Yes.
Can I ask a question?
Is penis size important?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, is it more important
than a ride home?
How about that.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
I had to drop the hammer.
How big is big,
let's hear some cock sizes now.
Yell out your cock size.
It's an old fashioned cock haggle.
Wait, what do you want to know?
Yell out the sizes, I want to hear
the ladies express themselves.
Penis width and length.
Whoa, easy, I didn't ask for a riddle.
Now
(LAUGHTER)
You're saying the width
and the length matter?
The width and the length.
How about integrity?
(LAUGHTER)
What happened to integrity?
Let's hear a number.
Let's hear a number, yell it out.
What's big?
Like, 30cm by length.
Canadian, damn.
Is this an Olympic year?
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
Hold on, could someone plug in my Alexa?
I think we need help on this one.
You know, with the exchange rate,
we probably have big dicks in Canada.
How about nine inches?
Nine inches is good?
Nine inches?
How about a five and a four
and one of them can dance?
How about that? Nothing?
JEFF: When it's working,
you're not working at all.
It's like riding a wave.
You just have to trust
that you're going to be funny.
Have to trust that Dave's gonna be funny.
And then once you get beyond that
then you're kind of like, just going.
I'd like to go back to the analogy
of riding a wave.
When was the last time
you actually rode a wave?
(JEFF LAUGHS)
One of our buddies
opened up the show tonight.
We love talking to him
because he's such a fun guy.
Is Joe here? Joe Mackie.
Joe Mackie, everybody.
Who is that?
(APPLAUSE)
Fantastic.
Joe everybody.
Great show tonight, man.
You killed it, bud.
Thank you guys.
You got some shmutz, hold on.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm good.
Joe, do you ever not smile?
Oh, yeah, I frown all the time.
Really?
Did it all start when that
magician put that curse on you?
Is that what happened? (LAUGHTER)
What is a frown? How do you frown,
do you have to do a headstand?
(LAUGHTER)
That was good, that was good.
(LAUGHTER)
What's your frown look like?
(LAUGHTER)
This is so fun.
Joe, you're a good guy.
Joe, what do you do when you're not
Thirty centimeters.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUDS)
Tip of the hat to Joe.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
No wonder he's smiling.
(LAUGHTER)
Way to go, Joe.
I know you can't stay 'cause your mom
has to pick you up outside
(LAUGHTER)
I'd
I don't want to roast you guys back.
Why not? Bring it, Joe.
You look like a Nascar driver
that no one wants to sponsor
because you're going to die soon.
Yeah? Wow.
Thanks.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks.
(CHEERING)
(THUDS)
Joe looks like the puppet
they use in courtrooms
for kids to point
to where their uncle touched them.
(THUD)
That is fucking great, that's great.
I deserve a break after that one.
You do. So now, Joe,
you see the crowd here.
Do you want to talk to anyone in specific?
We have a lot of cool people here.
I'll talk to that golfer.
You want to talk to him?
(LAUGHTER)
What would you like to say to him?
How did you two meet?
Uh, online dating.
Online dating, that's cool,
I've done that.
I've done that. I didn't
Wow, you're really bringing it hard, Joe.
Thanks.
I feel like I'm watching a college kid
try to buy drugs.
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever had your heart broken?
I have, bringing you up here.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm kidding.
Joe, don't go into your shame cycle,
don't do it.
Joe, you're hilarious.
Thank you for coming up here.
Thank you for having me, I appreciate it.
(CHEERING)
This is the crowd, Dave.
I'm feeling it.
Look at you, doing it.
Look at that.
(APPLAUSE)
Yes.
Sometimes I go to hot yoga
and I just lay on my mat
and cry for an hour.
DAVE: Aww.
That's what the mats are for,
in case you shit yourself.
You can just roll it up
and get the fuck out of there.
(LAUGHTER)
Namaste, motherfuckers.
"Namaste" means "it wasn't me."
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever tried this Dave?
What are you doing?
Yoga.
You're doing yoga?
I don't know if people can see this.
You got it? You okay?
Don't help me, I got it.
Are you seeing this?
This one now? Up? Oh, wow!
Look at this!
Wow!
(APPLAUSE)
Looks like a drunk guy
trying to handcuff himself.
I can't move.
I can't get out of this position.
You can't?
You sure?
I'm stuck.
You wiggle around a little bit?
Oh, don't do it!
Oh, okay, hold on a second.
We need a doctor, is there a doctor?
Preferably a doctor
with some movie credits.
Oh, look at this.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Dr. Ken Jeong!
Doctor Oh!
Oh, my God.
Yes!
Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
Whoa.
Dr. Ken, you did it!
Give it up for Dr. Ken, everybody.
(CHEERING)
Wow. Ken Jeong.
Jeff, how cool is that?
Oh, my God.
Oh, holy shit.
You know, Dr. Ken is a hero,
and Jeff just ate a hero.
This is great.
(LAUGHTER)
Is that true, you were doing
a show on the road
and somebody had a heart attack?
Someone had a seizure.
And she's all good, she's better.
But I went out and
me and an audience member
who happened to be a paramedic,
we just helped her kind of revive
from the seizure.
Holy mackerel.
No, she's good.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
So you were doing a show
and she had a seizure during your show,
who's jokes were you doing?
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Alright, here's this
Ken
Ken is a real doctor,
but he's also a hilarious comedian.
I've known him since he was beginning.
He was on an amateur contest that I judged
on The View.
Now he's gone on and obviously
become a big star and stuff like that
in The Hangover movies
When you were a judge.
"The funniest doctor in America"
on The View.
It was like 18 years ago when you judged.
Really?
Yeah, and you voted me
second place. (LAUGHTER)
It's payback time.
You didn't think I had the goods.
Well
It's payback time.
We have the first place winner
here tonight.
Sir, would you like to stand-up?
(LAUGHTER)
There's not enough stage
for this much entertainment,
I tell you that right now.
(LAUGHTER)
So how long have you been
practicing comedy?
I
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
And what season did they kill you off
on MASH? I forget now.
(LAUGHTER)
Have you ever gotten
any of Kim Jung Un's mail?
What?
That's not appropriate.
Too soon, Dave, too soon.
No, that's his cousin's name.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
I'm sorry.
(APPLAUSE)
No, I just wanted to say, like,
you are my favorite comic in the world.
I grew up on Dave Attell,
no I'm very serious.
You are, I'm serious.
(CHEERING)
You are the reason I do stand up comedy
and I just idolize you.
I know you don't like to hear that,
but that's exactly why.
Hi, Jeff.
But that's exactly why I love you.
(APPLAUSE)
(THUD)
Dr. Ken, everybody.
Give him a hand.
DAVE: Wow.
Well.
I bet there are people from all over
the world here, let's hear some countries.
Where are you guys from?
Delaware.
Wow. Nice.
(LAUGHTER)
The one
The one place even MegaBus
won't go, that's crazy.
Delaware.
Where's Israal?
Oh, you know what? I'm Jewish.
Jeff's Jewish.
Boom, there you go.
(LAUGHTER)
We're two more away
from a condo board meeting.
(LAUGHTER)
You guys know Hanuka?
I'm sure your bosses told you about it.
Yeah, I mean
(LAUGHTER)
eight days.
Kind of like a flu, eight days.
Jeff, my favorite day is the fifth day,
cinco de Hanuka, I really love it.
Even the Saudi guy liked that one.
There you go, thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, that was important.
Jeff,
who else is here, Jeff?
You always invite some special guests.
So, you know, Dave and I have been on the
road for the better part of this year.
And we invited a lot of family
and friends down to these shows and
there's an organization called
the Bob and Lee Woodruff Foundation.
They Yeah.
They give a lot of money
and do a lot of things
for severely wounded veterans
of the armed forces.
We met a guy named Israel Del Toro,
we call him DT,
he dared us to roast him
a couple of weeks ago.
We kind of chickened out.
So he said, "I'm coming to your
fucking show, so you better roast me."
Israel, come up here for a second.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Good to see you again, buddy.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you.
What's happening, man?
Just jumping out of planes.
Jumping out of planes?
So you're still a flight instructor?
I just hit 21 years.
Twenty-one years in the air force.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
DAVE: That's great.
I heard Israel's story,
it's an amazing story.
In 2005, his
he ran over a fucking explosive
in Afghanistan,
and you're an inspiration,
you know, because
we all get down about our lives,
but for some reason
you stay positive.
I don't know how the fuck you do it.
Maybe it's because you get to star
in those Deadpool movies.
(LAUGHTER)
I do.
(THUDS)
Hit him back, Israel.
And, uh
I have a question.
Yeah?
If your name is Israel Del Toro,
what would be your porn name?
I mean, that sounds like
I actually thought of it already.
What would it be?
Burnt Diggler.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Nice one.
Jeff, we are being brought to school
tonight.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Oh, this is so much fun.
Anyway, let's see what else.
What else can we tell you
about Fatty Kruger over here.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh boy, Jeff.
Are you going to let him
get away with that?' Hit him back!
He's already been fucking roasted,
look at him.
ALL: Whoa!
This is not good.
This is great.
But you know, it's okay.
What's that?
Me being burnt,
I have great catch phrases like,
once you go burned, that's all you yearn.
Wow.
The ladies love a hero.
Right, ladies? I mean, you gotta think.
(WOMEN HOLLERING)
Israel kind of looks like
he was inside Jeff.
(LAUGHTER)
I see now.
If this bit doesn't get us cancelled,
nothing will.
I know, you're right. Wow.
Jeff, you're
Israel?
It's amazing, your hands are very unique.
It's a good thing you weren't
jerking off when that bomb hit.
DAVE: Yeah.
Jeff, too much!
That's what saved my hand.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
This game Lot of back and forth.
Jeff, you can never top
a military man.
This was fun, so we finally got to,
like, roast you for real.
Final thoughts before we move on?
Ow.
The only thing I can probably say is,
you know, I've always felt
different around people.
But, between you two,
makes me look like George Clooney.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Israel.
Give it up!
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Thanks, man.
Jeff, that was great.
That was nice!
(KEYBOARDIST PLAYS
"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER")
Jeff
Dude,
this show has the best special effects.
(LAUGHTER)
We have people from all over,
that's for sure.
I heard people from Mexico are here,
is that true?
Alright.
What's up?
What part of Queens is that?
(LAUGHTER)
I'm sorry.
(THUD)
I apologize.
(APPLAUSE)
Immigrants come to America
and they do the jobs
that Americans don't want to do.
Yeah.
Like fuck the President.
Right!
(CROWD CHEERING, HOLLERING)
He did some thinking.
So you're saying
So Jeff, you're saying
immigrants built this land.
Immigrants built this land.
I don't think we should be
separating families, I think that's wrong.
Although, I do think we should not be
(APPLAUSE)
we should not be separating
families at the border,
but we should keep kids in cages.
(LAUGHTER)
But only at the movie theaters
and restaurants.
Yes, airplanes.
We used to let everybody into America.
We have a very diverse audience here. Now,
America's, like, closing it's borders.
We're like a snobby club
with a douchy door guy.
Yeah.
Instead of a 2,000 mile wall
I think we should just put
velvet rope along the border
and let bouncers handle our business.
Sorry, Pedro. No flip-flops in America.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, you're with three chicks?
Sorry, come on, have a good time.
Yeah, let's do it.
Hear, hear.
Thank you for that, Dave.
(APPLAUSE)
That was nice.
That was beautiful.
When we first started
doing our Bumping Mics show
we did it up in Montreal
at the Comedy Festival
and some of our friends came out
to that. And one of them's here.
He's the brand new head writer
on Saturday Night Live,
and a good buddy of ours,
Michael Che is here.
DAVE: Yes.
(CHEERING)
Wow.
Yes.
Thank you guys.
You look great.
What's up, bud?
Wow, hi guys.
(CHEERING, HOLLERING)
Michael.
Michael, wow.
I'm really excited to do this.
Oh, hello, prequel.
(THUD)
(THUD)
I have a few questions.
This is fun!
You look like you guys own
rivaling pawn shops.
(LAUGHTER)
In a good way, all due respect.
Hey!
By the way,
that's our retirement plan.
This looks like every day
at small claims court.
It's just like
(LAUGHTER)
"His bike went into me!"
"No, you turned into him!"
"I don't know what happened there,
he was in my"
Jeff is dressed
like he's trying to teach me
that poetry and hip-hop is so similar.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes.
Dave, you're dressed
Do you think things are getting better
or worse in this country?
Better!
Can I ask a question? And this is racial.
Do you think America will ever be
cool enough for a black fishing show?
(LAUGHTER)
It would be called, Off the Hook.
I think it would be great No?
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry. Sorry, guys.
Dave, you're dressed like
you pick up hitchhikers
and you also are a hitchhiker.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Shit, why didn't I think of that?
Mike's good.
You guys look like Eskimo Brothers
for the same kid.
(LAUGHTER)
This is like the worst commercial
for 23 & Me.
(LAUGHTER)
So we're related? I don't get it.
Ah
Shae,
thanks for coming to our show
dressed for out-patient surgery.
(LAUGHTER)
Good one, Jeff.
What do you think of the Instagram,
all the text stuff.
Are you into that?
The tweets and all that kind of stuff?
Jeff's into all that.
Oh, no, he's very careful because
he gauges his fans
He does?
He takes it right to the line.
I told you,
I think you go too far out there.
That you've got to
That's why I like these live shows.
They're a safe haven
for all kinds of smack talk
and talking about
whatever you want, but
It's not safe out there.
Sometimes you gotta tell a nigga
to eat a dick.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh fuck, that's great.
Let me be the first to tell you
to eat a dick.
That's all it is.
I guess you're right.
Well, Che, you're a good pal,
This was so much fucking fun. You're beyond that man.
(CROWD HOLLERING) DAVE: Can I say something?
When I see the new guys coming up
and they're as cool and as funny as Mike,
it really makes me feel
like it's great, so thank you.
They're the future!
It's an honor.
An honor to have you be part of this.
Our pal Mike, everybody.
Give it up for Mike.
(CROWD CHEERING) -That was fun.
That was really good.
Jeff, let's talk to the crowd more.
Someone must be celebrating something,
look at the crowd here.
Are there any birthdays, anniversaries?
Happy birthday.
Is it a big one or a little one?
Did your wish come true
to sit behind Waldo? Was that it?
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha ♪
Jeff, are you gonna be over there?
I don't know, I was just wanting
to say hi to Waldo for a second.
Stand up for a second.
DAVE: This is great. Wow!
Uh, look at that guy, nice.
Wow.
What's up, stretch?
Which guard did you play
in Schindler's List?
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff?
What?
Ask him where he's from
and what he does.
Where you from and what do you do?
I'm from New York and I work for a company
that makes Rubik's Cubes.
You know Rubik's Cubes?
DAVE: Wow!
Wait, Rubik's Cubes?
(LAUGHTER)
You work for a company
that makes Rubik's Cubes?
And who you here with? Who's this?
My wife.
Oh, come here, hi.
You want to say hi?
Stand up for a second?
I love the curtains you're wearing.
That's great.
I have a question for these two.
When you guys make love,
does he turn you one way
and then goes, "That's not right,"
and then go all the way the other way?
And go, "Ah, that's better."
Then he's like, "I'll flip her around."
You know, like a Rubik's Cube, alright?
JEFF: A round of applause.
Come on, guys.
(APPLAUSE)
Look at him going.
Jeff's wandering like a wandering Jew.
You're not even on the show anymore,
you're over on Hulu.
How's it going over there?
You're in Handmaid's Tale right now.
How you doing, Miss?
What's your
Rhonda.
Rhonda, I love women
who cut their own hair.
DAVE: Nice.
(LAUGHTER)
Nice one, Jeff.
I gotta climb over these people,
I guess.
Whoa, easy, somebody spot him!
Paul Rudd was at the first show,
now he's at the second show.
Well bring him up here.
This is the fucking man.
Can he come up here?
Will you come up for a second?
(APPLAUSE)
One of the biggest
movie stars in the world,
Paul Rudd.
(CROWD CHEERING, HOLLERING)
Holy shit.
DAVE: Oh, God.
What the heck.
Oh my God.
I only didn't leave because I had,
no joke, seven tequilas.
(LAUGHTER)
And I didn't know leaving was an option.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm bumping you!
Oh, you're bumping me!
(THUDS)
You watched the show twice!
I watched it twice, I didn't even get
you were bumping me.
Ah, man, I feel terrible.
Oh, man.
So how was little league practice today?
(LAUGHTER)
DAVE: Oh, my God.
(APPLAUSE)
Not bad, I
I went two for four
with a single and a double.
Wow.
I love Paul standing next to me
'cause it now makes me look like
the creepiest fucking thing in the world.
Now?
(LAUGHTER)
It looks like
It looks like Paul's secret charity,
adopt-a-Santa program.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave, have you ever met
a real life movie star before?
No, I met him two years ago when he was.
ALL: Whoa!
(THUDS)
Very good. That's pretty good.
Boom, boom ♪
Boom ♪
That's pretty good.
Hamma hamma, he ♪
Hamma dang a-boo ♪
Thank you. Sorry.
That was your best joke. That was your
That was your best joke
of the whole fucking weekend.
Thank you.
Oh, God, that's gonna be on Netflix.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul's a good guy, he really is.
He was is some great movies,
This is Forty.
Dave's gonna be in This is Eighty.
(LAUGHTER)
Jeff
Paul, one more.
Speaking of Wet Hot American Summer
(LAUGHTER)
Dave has to change
his colostomy bag.
Alright, we get it.
We get it. (THUD)
Alright.
(JEFF LAUGHS, DAVE SIGHS)
Oh Paul, you, uh
I don't know, man, it's just so fun
that you came to both shows.
You're like a real comedy fan.
I play poker with this guy,
I know how fun he is.
Might as well, if you weren't an actor,
what would you have done? Would you
have been a comedian or a writer?
If you could be anything,
what would you be?
I think I'd build tree houses.
(LAUGHTER)
Tree house master.
I started watching that
Tree House Masters show and it just
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, no joke.
That seems like a really great job.
Yeah, we need a tree house.
You got the the Shaunics.
You got Pete Nelson and the family.
It seems like a
I wonder what he wouldn't say
that you wouldn't be like,
"Yeah, whatever, that's Paul Rudd!"
I'm wet.
I'm wet, front and back.
Where are you from?
Canada.
What's your favorite Paul Rudd movie?
What's our favorite what?
Paul Rudd movie.
Did you know who he was?
Is it Clueless?
Phoebe and him were on Friends,
they were dating.
You've been in like 45 movies and TV shows
and she picks the one you weren't in.
(LAUGHTER)
Clearly I made a great impression
on Jeff Ross. I, uh
I was.
Of course I remember,
I was just playing around.
You fucked up.
(THUD)
DAVE: There you go.
What the fuck is going on here.
Paul has taken over.
(LAUGHTER)
First he captured our hearts,
now he's running the show.
(LAUGHTER)
So Paul, you're married, right?
I am, yeah.
Why are you dressed like you're divorced?
I mean, I was just curious.
(LAUGHTER)
I figured your lady would want you to
(LAUGHTER)
Well
(THUD)
Thank you.
Don't leave me hanging like that.
I know your wife, Julie.
She's very lovely.
She's sitting back there.
Give it up for Julie.
Not only that,
we have a babysitter
watching our kids tonight
and even Julie said, "Let's stick it out
for the second show."
Fuck yeah, baby!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Next stop, La Quinta Inn.
(LAUGHTER)
You made it, you did it.
You went from acting in New York
to you're a fucking Marvel super hero.
It's crazy, dude.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
However,
it is Ant Man.
(LAUGHTER)
Give it up for Paul Rudd.
Paul's the best.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Paul.
Paul Rudd.
That guy is cool.
Play something sexy.
No sex talk?
Jeff, what are we doing now?
What's going on?
So let's do a little
sort of sexy vibe,
to bring it all together.
We could dedicate this part of the show
to the ladies, I think.
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Let's hit 'em with a love song.
It's a sing-a-long, maybe if you're
with someone you care about
you can join hands.
It's called,
I want to lick your pussy like a mango.
DAVE: Wow, I love that one.
(ULULATES)
It's a sing-a-long.
(ULULATING CONTINUES)
DAVE: That's disgusting.
(LAUGHTER)
That's disgusting.
Ladies, if your man doesn't know
the lyrics, teach it to him right now.
DAVE: Yes. Uh
We lost all of Utah.
(HUMMING)
DAVE: Oh, Jeff.
(SNORTS)
(ULULATES)
Alright, just the ladies now.
(ULULATES)
DAVE: Wow.
Alright, just the Jews, Greeks,
and Italians now.
(VOCALIZES)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Alright.
Alright, just people
from the Middle East now.
(MIMICKING ARAB ULULATION)
DAVE: Oh, my God.
Jeff
Started a fatwa.
Folks, go home tonight
go home tonight, if the mood hits you,
make love to each other.
But think about me and Dave
while you're doing it.
(LAUGHTER)
Please.
We promise you, if you do that,
the sex will last longer.
Yes.
Good night, mom.
Thank you, everybody.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(JEFF SIGHS)
DAVE: Yup.
JEFF: Good show, bud.
It was great.
DAVE: Man, I wish we had
another show now, don't you?
I kinda do.
Yeah, I'm thinking we figured it out.
JEFF: I'm not sure we'll ever
figure it out, but it was fun.
DAVE: It was a great time, man.
The whole weekend.