Bupkis (2023) s01e03 Episode Script
Picture
1
[DRAMATIC TONE]
[SOFT RUSTLING]
[PHONE CHIMES]
What?
[SIGHS]
[LINE TRILLING]
The number you dialed is not in ser
- [EXHALES]
- [LINE TRILLING]
The mailbox is full and cannot accept
any messages at this ti
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
[TENSE MUSIC BUILDING]
Oh, my God. [SOBBING]
Oh, my God, Peter!
[SCREAMING]
[ALARM BEEPS]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
I'm just looking for a higher love ♪
♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
Looking for a higher love ♪
♪
[SIGHS]
Mm, fuck.
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
[GRUNTS] Fuck.
♪
Morning, ladies.
Uh, do you guys have a phone charger?
My phone died.
♪
Thank you.
[PHONE CHIMING]
What the fuck?
Am I dead?
♪
Look, Ma. I can tell
you're a little upset.
- I'm sorry.
- A little upset?
Peter, I thought you were dead.
Yeah, well, I'm not, okay?
So we should all be grateful, all right?
I just don't understand
how somebody could put
a story like this on the Internet,
and nobody does anything about it.
Yeah, I don't get it, either, Ma, okay?
But there's nothing I
can do about it, so
God, I'm still shaking.
I'm having my first
cigarette in 20 years.
Nothing like the first one back.
It wasn't any of my cigarettes, right?
'Cause my cigarettes are not cigarettes.
We've talked about this.
Shit, Ma. I I gotta go.
Peter, what could possibly
be more important than this right now?
I'm saving the planet.
Wait, Peter
Electricity is now cheaper
than any electricity
that can be made from fossil fuels.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[APPLAUSE]
Dude, what the fuck? They're
still using the photo.
I hate this fucking picture.
Why do people keep using it?
Ugh, I know.
I think they got it from Wikipedia.
Like, don't we have somebody on this?
- Can't somebody remove this?
- Yeah, yeah.
He he did, but someone
keeps putting it back up there.
Can you get it removed?
This is fuckin' embarrassing, okay?
I know. I'm sorry.
Hey, one more round of
applause for Jon Stewart.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, my God!
- My boy.
- How are they?
Don't mention global
warming. They're very touchy.
I'd like to thank my friend Jon Stewart
for being able to talk
about rising sea levels,
and somehow, amazingly,
- turn it into hilarious shtick.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I am extremely happy to
announce he's alive and well.
Please welcome Pete Davidson.
[APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Thanks, man.
Hey, Al. Uh, sorry about
all the fake death business.
Oh, Wu-Tang.
Hi, guys.
Uh, thank you so much for having me.
Thanks to Al, and Jon Stewart.
It is awesome to be here, uh,
for the environment, and
Uh
[WHISPERING] what the fuck is that?
- [SCOFFS]
- [CROWD MURMURING]
Uh, there's a
I I have a troll.
[CHUCKLES]
That's an icebreaker.
And speaking of icebreakers
[EXHALES] Fuck.
So who keeps putting
the picture back up?
Some guy with the username ImAScatMan76.
I fucking love that song.
Get it removed, okay?
This is embarrassing.
- I'm on it.
- Look at that picture.
Jon looks ten years younger than me.
- Peter!
- Stew!
Huh! Huh!
So glad you're alive.
- I think Gore's drunk.
- Wow.
Yeah. I can't tell if
it's a Southern thing,
or if he's just fucking hammered.
- Yeah, he's shitfaced.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't recycle, either.
- Really?
Yeah. Fucking guy.
Man, all this shit, man, I
we gotta talk, man. I
think I think it's time.
I think you gotta throw
your hat in the ring.
It's time it's time
to run for president.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I I don't think
that's gonna happen.
Come on, Stew. Right, Evan?
The world's in fucking crisis, dude.
- Yeah.
- It's dogshit out there.
We're fucked, man. You gotta run.
I mean, if you don't,
Jon, I'm gonna have to.
Yeah, I don't
I don't think you should do that.
How old do you have to be?
See, that's right there.
[SCOFFS]
Why, are you, like
are you afraid I won't win,
or something? [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's not what I'm afraid of.
Listen, I I gotta go.
- Okay.
- I've got a world to run.
You know, we control a lot of this shit.
Don't tell anybody that.
Just, like, media and finance and shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And government.
Sure.
Clothing.
Atmosphere.
Jews.
Don't fuck with us.
All of you, half of me.
Don't run for president.
Please stop telling him no.
It only makes him wanna run more.
It's my anniversary.
Can I borrow your cock?
Okay, so he said we could
donate all this stuff.
Jesus.
I haven't, uh, heard
from you in a while.
How is Pete?
Oh, yeah. He's he's good.
We've just been, like,
super busy on the road.
And, um, yeah, I was just
it was, like, my
girlfriend's birthday, so
Oh, it seems like ever
since you started dating her,
you've been distracted.
It's been like, six years.
Just remember, Evan, nothing
is as important as family.
Yeah. Hey, um, Amy, I think I'm
I'm ready. Like, I
I think I'm gonna propose to Lizzie.
No, I meant our family.
You know, which I
consider you a part of.
You wanna get engaged?
Peter was engaged once.
I don't know if you heard
about how that turned out.
Do you want a song written about you?
And the worst part is, I
like the song, you know?
It's like an earworm. It's
got a very catchy hook.
Anyway, as a part of the family,
I expect you to take your job seriously.
Oh, I I take it really seriously.
I mean, I was literally up all night
taking down the stupid picture,
like, over and over again.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
What picture?
You could look at it like this.
You're like Tom Sawyer getting
to see his own funeral, right?
'Cause I imagine a lot
of a lot of old friends
reached out, and they were
happy to see that you were alive.
So that must have felt good, right?
No. Not really.
I mean, it was awful.
Like, my mom had a full
fuckin' panic attack.
Oof. I'm sorry to hear that.
Dr. Rossi, can you imagine being my mom?
You find out your son
dies, and then you go online
and you read the news, and
this is the picture they use?
Huh? Look at that.
Squinting like an idiot.
Right, but Pete,
this isn't really about
the photograph, right?
This is about a lack of
control over the situation.
I get really fuckin' mad
at things I can't control.
I get upset 'cause, you
know, I try to do nice things.
Like, I do a climate change thing,
and I wanna feel good.
And then people online are just like,
"Oh, Pete's a cokehead. Pete's on coke."
You know, 'cause I move
my jaw when I get nervous.
And I wasn't even on coke, you know?
That's why I get so upset.
If I was on coke, I'd
be like, wow, good job.
You good eye, you know?
But I wasn't on coke,
you know what I'm saying?
Uh, right. But Pete, are you on coke?
N-now? No.
Like, if you came to me like,
"Yo, did you do you do coke?"
I'd be like, no. But like,
if someone's like,
"You wanna do a bump?"
- I'd be like, yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- I am not on cocaine
- Okay.
- Right now.
- [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
okay, as long as you're not on it now.
Or too much.
Well, Pete, like,
look [CLEARS THROAT]
People are gonna attack public figures.
You know that they are.
They're not gonna stop, right?
And you don't lead a quiet life, do you?
[SIGHS] I'm, like, a sensitive guy.
And I've told people how sensitive I am
and what I struggle with,
and yet, they still fuck with me,
and I don't get it, you know?
It's I'm sorry, man.
- This is stupid.
- No, it's not stupid.
My advice?
Stop actively looking
for things to upset you.
If you're gonna keep going online
just to feel sorry for yourself,
then whose problem is that, Pete?
That's your problem, all right?
Don't blame other people for that.
Take some control over your life.
Yeah.
Yeah, take control. Just
don't go on the Internet.
Don't look at the
picture. Fuck the picture.
Just pretend the photo doesn't exist.
Thanks, Dr. Rossi.
Nice to see you smiling, pal.
That makes me happy.
I got you penciled in here, pal.
See you next week, buddy.
I want to major in artificial meat.
But not, like, the chemistry of it,
but, like, the marketing of it.
Like, watch this.
The Unbelievaburger.
Yeah.
You guys are good with computers, right?
Yeah, I guess.
How do you find out
who somebody is online?
Do you like, track their
IP address or something?
Oh, you don't need to
do any of that CIA shit.
Most people use the same
username for different sites.
So sometimes you can just,
like, follow the trail.
All right, can you help
me find ImAScatMan76?
[MELLOW MUSIC]
[DOGS BARKING]
♪
This is what it's all about, Peter.
Look how nice this is, huh?
Everything else in the
whole world is bullshit.
It's really nice. Thanks
for bringing me out here.
You're not supposed to smoke here.
What?
You're not supposed to smoke here.
What are you, a fuckin' forest ranger?
This is the planet Earth, pal.
We're outside.
Don't you have a fuckin'
job or something to do
instead of breaking balls?
Get the fuck out of here.
Mind your fuckin' business.
Unbelievable.
What the fuck is that?
Are we on "Candid Camera"?
Did they bring that show back?
[SIGHS]
I've been meaning to
say something to you,
'cause you're acting more and more mopey
all the time, like you're not
enjoying yourself or nothing.
- What's up?
- Yeah, I had a
I had a weird week.
Because of the fake death bullshit?
- Yeah.
- I mean, I'm actually dying,
- so I
- No, I know. I'm sorry.
- I know.
- I didn't say it for that.
No, I know. I just
it's not just that.
There's also this guy that keeps
stalking me and harassing me,
and I don't know what to do about it.
I could tell you what to do about it.
We'll go get Roy, and
we'll go see this guy
and have a talk to him, that's all.
Fuck, all right, take it easy.
You can't just do that, all right?
I'll get fuckin' sued.
Plus, I already talked
to my therapist about it.
He said it's just
best to leave it alone.
- Your therapist?
- Yeah.
You pay this fuckin'
guy. I can't believe it.
Someone has to listen.
He tells you just forget about it.
You don't forget about it.
I just don't know why
people fuck with me, Pop.
Why won't they leave me alone?
- You don't know why?
- No.
Peter, look. See that
big dog over there?
- Yeah.
- Well, look at the little dog yipping at him.
And the big dog's doing nothing.
- You know why?
- 'Cause he's scared?
No, he's not scared.
He knows if he lets out one roar,
he'll ruin that fuckin'
little puppy's day.
That thing will fuckin' go scatter,
and he's liable to have a heart attack.
He's gonna run like a fuckin' rabbit.
You know what I mean, big dog?
Be the big dog.
Don't let people shit on
you and make you miserable.
I don't fucking like it.
Fight back, Peter. Fight back.
You're a fighter. It's in our blood.
[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC]
You're right. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em.
I'm gonna fucking do
something about this.
I hope you do, Peter.
You're the best. I love you.
- I'll see you later.
- Go kick ass.
- I will.
- My boy.
ALL: Ohh!
Ah, it's like real-life "Fruit Ninja."
- [LAUGHS]
- Try the watermelon.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- Whoo!
All right.
Someone throw me a fuckin' pumpkin.
- No!
- Whoa, whoa.
- No.
- Respect.
Hey, Dave, why don't you
get your Klingon sword?
All right.
Once again, Pete, this is
a glaive, not a bat'leth.
Have you ever seen a titty before?
Oh, fuck.
What?
I think your mom might
have found Scatman.
Really? What?
Gimme the gimme!
The fuck?
Dave, gimme your Klingon sword!
♪
- Shit. Shit.
- So you just gave him the address?
We don't know anything about this guy.
He could be a psychopath.
Yeah, but he just, like, took my phone.
- Oh, so you just let him go?
- No, he was, like,
holding this sword, and he was
he was acting, like, really intense.
And he had this, like,
insane look on his face.
What does that even mean?
Yeah, it was like like that.
Fucking Crillz.
[SIGHS] Damn it. Call me an Uber.
[OMINOUS PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
- Peter.
- Mom?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Are you tracking me?
What do you think I'm doing?
I'm getting you out of here.
Does Dave know you
have his Klingon sword?
It's a glaive, and no, he doesn't.
Look, the guy who posts
the pictures lives here,
and I'm waiting for
him. He's not home yet.
Well, thank God for that.
You don't know this guy.
- What if he's dangerous?
- Da
I'm fuckin' dangerous!
Yes, Peter. You're very dangerous.
- Get in the car.
- I'm doing this.
Get in the fucking car!
[LOWERS VOICE] All
right. Don't make a scene.
Jesus Christ.
I think we should go home.
No, we're waiting till he gets back.
Why don't you just give
his name to your lawyers
- and let them deal with it?
- No, Ma.
I'm tired of people
doing this shit to me.
I need to see him.
How do you know he's not on vacation?
I don't care. I'll wait
a fucking week, okay?
All right. I will wait too.
[LIGHT TENSE MUSIC]
♪
You hungry?
Yeah, I could eat. Yeah.
If I'd known we were doing a stakeout,
I would have bought some sandwiches.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Maybe there's a store
- I could walk to.
- No, I got it.
You want burritos?
You know, detective, I, uh
I know you don't like working with me
because I'm a young rookie cop
who doesn't play by the rules.
But just know, I love what I do,
and I fuckin' get the job done.
I've seen a lot of
things on these streets.
I'm out here to protect
people, 'cause that's my job.
- It's what we fucking do.
- It's what we do.
It's what we do.
Thank you.
So what do we do when he gets home?
I don't know. I figured
I'd roll up on him
with, like, that weird sword,
and just see what happens.
You know, when I read that story
[SIGHS] You know why it wrecked me?
Because I immediately believed it.
[SCOFFS] It's like the
thing that you always knew
was gonna happen had finally happened.
You can't imagine what it's
like to live like this, honey.
You
do you have any idea how
hard it is to be your mother?
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS]
Ah! Ye, no!
Did I miss anything? What happened?
No.
No, you're good.
Fuck.
Damn, it stinks in here.
I'm gonna throw this stuff away.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Shit. It's showtime.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
Hey!
Dr. Rossi?
Pete.
What, uh why are you at my home?
Are you are you
"What About Bob"-ing me?
What what is this? This is
- this is inappropriate, Pete.
- Inappro
- you're the fuckin' Scatman?
- Whoa!
- It's you?
- Pete,
I think you're having a
manic paranoid episode,
and you're projecting
this onto me, okay?
That's bullshit. How come the user
had an LLC agreement
attached to this address?
- The user
- Okay, okay, fine!
- How come how come you
- Yes! Fine! Yes!
Bravo, Pete. Bravo. You caught me.
Uh, congratulations.
Light up your pipe, Sherlock Holmes,
'cause this one's in the books.
What is this?
Why why do you have a
glaive? Have you come to kill me?
What are you doing, Pete?
I don't know, man. I'm
really fuckin' confused.
Why don't we go inside
and have a little chat
about this, free of charge.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Put the weapon down,
and let's just have a little chat.
Why would you do this to
me? You know how triggering
- and fucking traumatic this is?
- Look, Pete.
I thought you would have
figured this out by now,
but clearly, it's just
not getting through to you.
You don't see what this is?
I am helping you, Pete.
This is all part of our treatment.
What are you talking about?
All this work you're doing.
You're obsessing over
this Wikipedia picture.
You know what that tells me, Pete?
That tells me that you're
not doing very good at all.
I mean, Pete, this is just
my way of tracking you,
or controlling you, you know?
But, like, I'm trying to keep tabs
on if you're making any
progress, and God damn it,
you have failed!
What kind of method is that?
What kind of therapy is that?
I don't have to explain myself to you.
You sound like all the rest of them.
They all say, oh, you're crazy.
Your methods are impractical,
inhumane, ineffective, they won't work,
they're not, uh, based in science.
And you know what I say? Shut your
shut your mouth, you
stupid Harvard asshole!
I'm not even a
college-trained therapist,
and I know more than you.
You don't have a college degree?
What does that matter?
What, I have to have a
little plaque on my wall
for you to feel good? Okay?
- Yeah!
- Okay, oh, so now you're
you're fixating on
what other people have.
Oh, this guy's got a nicer car than me.
This guy has an actual
professional therapist.
I gotta have what he has.
My goodness, we're gonna have
a lot to talk about on Thursday, pal.
You don't think it's weird
that I pay a guy to talk about
a guy who's fucking with my head,
- and it's the same fucking guy?
- Not at all.
Do you know what? I'm gonna have to
have a whole other session with you
to walk you through this.
Okay, how's your Tuesday?
I'm gonna pencil you in for that.
- You're an idiot. I'm leaving.
- No, dude!
Oh, Pete, I get it, okay?
You're frustrated. This
is a lot to process.
So uh, all right.
Well, I will pencil you in
for Tuesday, and we are good.
No, you're fired.
Not even on Thursday?
I'm never gonna see you again.
I've already put you in, so I'm gonna
have to charge you if I cancel it now.
But I didn't make the appointment!
It's less than 24 hours,
and that's just the rule.
- You're fired!
- Okay, Pete,
- is this about the photo?
- Yes!
Okay, I'll take the
stupid photo down, okay,
if you're so fixated on it, all right?
But I'm not gonna give up on you.
I don't quit on my patients, Pete.
I don't give up on them.
Not until the day they die.
And they all die. Most of them have.
Suicide, mostly.
Not all of them.
You're here.
Oh, my God.
You did the fake death
announcement, too, didn't you?
Well, I guess we'll never know.
Fuck you, dude.
Unless you stop caring about
the things that don't matter!
Pete, all this time
and energy you've spent
focusing on this
you could have spent that focusing on
the things that are really
important to you, Pete.
What matters in your life, Pete?
[SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
[WHISPERING] Amy, your mom?
Your mother?
♪
Peter? Peter, where are you? Oh, my God.
Fuck, you're good.
No shit, Pete.
I'll see you on Thursday?
Can you do Friday, actually?
I have a thing I forgot,
I have a thing on Thursday.
I could do Zoom. Do you do Zoom?
Zoom is fine.
I'll be in my car, if
that's not an issue.
- No, that's cool.
- Okay.
I'll see you then, bud.
All right.
- Pete.
- Yeah?
Don't forget your weapon.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God. There you are!
- What the fuck?
- Oh.
It's all over with now. We can go.
What, did I miss it? What happened?
Yeah, uh, I just decided
I'm not gonna waste time getting
so upset over stuff like this.
Wow. All right.
That sounds very mature.
Yeah, and also, this
is, like, the first time
we've spent any time
together in, like, forever,
and I'd like to spend
more time with you.
- You know?
- I would love that, Peter.
- Watch the glaive.
- [LAUGHS]
Okay.
Hey, Ma, I, um
I'm really sorry about everything.
I I can't imagine what that's like.
But I I promise I
won't ever let anything
like that happen, okay?
It's just, when I saw the
news on my phone, I realized,
like, that's how it's gonna happen.
You know, that's how I'm gonna find out.
And I now I got that feeling,
and I can't seem to shake it.
Ma, Ma, I promise you,
I will never kill myself
until after you're dead.
- You mean it?
- I promise.
You'll never know.
[LAUGHS] Thank you, honey.
That's all I can ask for. Aw.
They waited all night by your door ♪
You probably wouldn't remember ♪
You know, this was one of
your dad's favorite songs.
Yeah, yeah, I remember
he used to sing it to us all the time.
In the pouring rain ♪
Everything's better when wet ♪
Jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪
Pete, take a picture with your sister.
Here, get your arms around
her. Look at me, guys.
Smile.
Now, don't squint, buddy.
You're way more handsome
with your eyes open.
Come on. Yeah.
There you go. What a stud, huh?
- What a stud.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
[STEVE MILLER BAND'S "JUNGLE LOVE"]
You treat me like I was your ocean ♪
You swim in my blood when it's warm ♪
My cycles of circular motion ♪
Protect you and keep you from harm ♪
You live in a world of illusion ♪
Where everything's peaches and cream ♪
We all face a scarlet conclusion ♪
But we spend our time in a dream ♪
♪
Jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪
It's making me crazy, crazy ♪
Jungle love, it's driving me crazy ♪
♪
[DRAMATIC TONE]
[SOFT RUSTLING]
[PHONE CHIMES]
What?
[SIGHS]
[LINE TRILLING]
The number you dialed is not in ser
- [EXHALES]
- [LINE TRILLING]
The mailbox is full and cannot accept
any messages at this ti
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
[TENSE MUSIC BUILDING]
Oh, my God. [SOBBING]
Oh, my God, Peter!
[SCREAMING]
[ALARM BEEPS]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
I'm just looking for a higher love ♪
♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
Looking for a higher love ♪
♪
[SIGHS]
Mm, fuck.
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
[GRUNTS] Fuck.
♪
Morning, ladies.
Uh, do you guys have a phone charger?
My phone died.
♪
Thank you.
[PHONE CHIMING]
What the fuck?
Am I dead?
♪
Look, Ma. I can tell
you're a little upset.
- I'm sorry.
- A little upset?
Peter, I thought you were dead.
Yeah, well, I'm not, okay?
So we should all be grateful, all right?
I just don't understand
how somebody could put
a story like this on the Internet,
and nobody does anything about it.
Yeah, I don't get it, either, Ma, okay?
But there's nothing I
can do about it, so
God, I'm still shaking.
I'm having my first
cigarette in 20 years.
Nothing like the first one back.
It wasn't any of my cigarettes, right?
'Cause my cigarettes are not cigarettes.
We've talked about this.
Shit, Ma. I I gotta go.
Peter, what could possibly
be more important than this right now?
I'm saving the planet.
Wait, Peter
Electricity is now cheaper
than any electricity
that can be made from fossil fuels.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[APPLAUSE]
Dude, what the fuck? They're
still using the photo.
I hate this fucking picture.
Why do people keep using it?
Ugh, I know.
I think they got it from Wikipedia.
Like, don't we have somebody on this?
- Can't somebody remove this?
- Yeah, yeah.
He he did, but someone
keeps putting it back up there.
Can you get it removed?
This is fuckin' embarrassing, okay?
I know. I'm sorry.
Hey, one more round of
applause for Jon Stewart.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, my God!
- My boy.
- How are they?
Don't mention global
warming. They're very touchy.
I'd like to thank my friend Jon Stewart
for being able to talk
about rising sea levels,
and somehow, amazingly,
- turn it into hilarious shtick.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I am extremely happy to
announce he's alive and well.
Please welcome Pete Davidson.
[APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Thanks, man.
Hey, Al. Uh, sorry about
all the fake death business.
Oh, Wu-Tang.
Hi, guys.
Uh, thank you so much for having me.
Thanks to Al, and Jon Stewart.
It is awesome to be here, uh,
for the environment, and
Uh
[WHISPERING] what the fuck is that?
- [SCOFFS]
- [CROWD MURMURING]
Uh, there's a
I I have a troll.
[CHUCKLES]
That's an icebreaker.
And speaking of icebreakers
[EXHALES] Fuck.
So who keeps putting
the picture back up?
Some guy with the username ImAScatMan76.
I fucking love that song.
Get it removed, okay?
This is embarrassing.
- I'm on it.
- Look at that picture.
Jon looks ten years younger than me.
- Peter!
- Stew!
Huh! Huh!
So glad you're alive.
- I think Gore's drunk.
- Wow.
Yeah. I can't tell if
it's a Southern thing,
or if he's just fucking hammered.
- Yeah, he's shitfaced.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't recycle, either.
- Really?
Yeah. Fucking guy.
Man, all this shit, man, I
we gotta talk, man. I
think I think it's time.
I think you gotta throw
your hat in the ring.
It's time it's time
to run for president.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I I don't think
that's gonna happen.
Come on, Stew. Right, Evan?
The world's in fucking crisis, dude.
- Yeah.
- It's dogshit out there.
We're fucked, man. You gotta run.
I mean, if you don't,
Jon, I'm gonna have to.
Yeah, I don't
I don't think you should do that.
How old do you have to be?
See, that's right there.
[SCOFFS]
Why, are you, like
are you afraid I won't win,
or something? [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's not what I'm afraid of.
Listen, I I gotta go.
- Okay.
- I've got a world to run.
You know, we control a lot of this shit.
Don't tell anybody that.
Just, like, media and finance and shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And government.
Sure.
Clothing.
Atmosphere.
Jews.
Don't fuck with us.
All of you, half of me.
Don't run for president.
Please stop telling him no.
It only makes him wanna run more.
It's my anniversary.
Can I borrow your cock?
Okay, so he said we could
donate all this stuff.
Jesus.
I haven't, uh, heard
from you in a while.
How is Pete?
Oh, yeah. He's he's good.
We've just been, like,
super busy on the road.
And, um, yeah, I was just
it was, like, my
girlfriend's birthday, so
Oh, it seems like ever
since you started dating her,
you've been distracted.
It's been like, six years.
Just remember, Evan, nothing
is as important as family.
Yeah. Hey, um, Amy, I think I'm
I'm ready. Like, I
I think I'm gonna propose to Lizzie.
No, I meant our family.
You know, which I
consider you a part of.
You wanna get engaged?
Peter was engaged once.
I don't know if you heard
about how that turned out.
Do you want a song written about you?
And the worst part is, I
like the song, you know?
It's like an earworm. It's
got a very catchy hook.
Anyway, as a part of the family,
I expect you to take your job seriously.
Oh, I I take it really seriously.
I mean, I was literally up all night
taking down the stupid picture,
like, over and over again.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
What picture?
You could look at it like this.
You're like Tom Sawyer getting
to see his own funeral, right?
'Cause I imagine a lot
of a lot of old friends
reached out, and they were
happy to see that you were alive.
So that must have felt good, right?
No. Not really.
I mean, it was awful.
Like, my mom had a full
fuckin' panic attack.
Oof. I'm sorry to hear that.
Dr. Rossi, can you imagine being my mom?
You find out your son
dies, and then you go online
and you read the news, and
this is the picture they use?
Huh? Look at that.
Squinting like an idiot.
Right, but Pete,
this isn't really about
the photograph, right?
This is about a lack of
control over the situation.
I get really fuckin' mad
at things I can't control.
I get upset 'cause, you
know, I try to do nice things.
Like, I do a climate change thing,
and I wanna feel good.
And then people online are just like,
"Oh, Pete's a cokehead. Pete's on coke."
You know, 'cause I move
my jaw when I get nervous.
And I wasn't even on coke, you know?
That's why I get so upset.
If I was on coke, I'd
be like, wow, good job.
You good eye, you know?
But I wasn't on coke,
you know what I'm saying?
Uh, right. But Pete, are you on coke?
N-now? No.
Like, if you came to me like,
"Yo, did you do you do coke?"
I'd be like, no. But like,
if someone's like,
"You wanna do a bump?"
- I'd be like, yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- I am not on cocaine
- Okay.
- Right now.
- [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
okay, as long as you're not on it now.
Or too much.
Well, Pete, like,
look [CLEARS THROAT]
People are gonna attack public figures.
You know that they are.
They're not gonna stop, right?
And you don't lead a quiet life, do you?
[SIGHS] I'm, like, a sensitive guy.
And I've told people how sensitive I am
and what I struggle with,
and yet, they still fuck with me,
and I don't get it, you know?
It's I'm sorry, man.
- This is stupid.
- No, it's not stupid.
My advice?
Stop actively looking
for things to upset you.
If you're gonna keep going online
just to feel sorry for yourself,
then whose problem is that, Pete?
That's your problem, all right?
Don't blame other people for that.
Take some control over your life.
Yeah.
Yeah, take control. Just
don't go on the Internet.
Don't look at the
picture. Fuck the picture.
Just pretend the photo doesn't exist.
Thanks, Dr. Rossi.
Nice to see you smiling, pal.
That makes me happy.
I got you penciled in here, pal.
See you next week, buddy.
I want to major in artificial meat.
But not, like, the chemistry of it,
but, like, the marketing of it.
Like, watch this.
The Unbelievaburger.
Yeah.
You guys are good with computers, right?
Yeah, I guess.
How do you find out
who somebody is online?
Do you like, track their
IP address or something?
Oh, you don't need to
do any of that CIA shit.
Most people use the same
username for different sites.
So sometimes you can just,
like, follow the trail.
All right, can you help
me find ImAScatMan76?
[MELLOW MUSIC]
[DOGS BARKING]
♪
This is what it's all about, Peter.
Look how nice this is, huh?
Everything else in the
whole world is bullshit.
It's really nice. Thanks
for bringing me out here.
You're not supposed to smoke here.
What?
You're not supposed to smoke here.
What are you, a fuckin' forest ranger?
This is the planet Earth, pal.
We're outside.
Don't you have a fuckin'
job or something to do
instead of breaking balls?
Get the fuck out of here.
Mind your fuckin' business.
Unbelievable.
What the fuck is that?
Are we on "Candid Camera"?
Did they bring that show back?
[SIGHS]
I've been meaning to
say something to you,
'cause you're acting more and more mopey
all the time, like you're not
enjoying yourself or nothing.
- What's up?
- Yeah, I had a
I had a weird week.
Because of the fake death bullshit?
- Yeah.
- I mean, I'm actually dying,
- so I
- No, I know. I'm sorry.
- I know.
- I didn't say it for that.
No, I know. I just
it's not just that.
There's also this guy that keeps
stalking me and harassing me,
and I don't know what to do about it.
I could tell you what to do about it.
We'll go get Roy, and
we'll go see this guy
and have a talk to him, that's all.
Fuck, all right, take it easy.
You can't just do that, all right?
I'll get fuckin' sued.
Plus, I already talked
to my therapist about it.
He said it's just
best to leave it alone.
- Your therapist?
- Yeah.
You pay this fuckin'
guy. I can't believe it.
Someone has to listen.
He tells you just forget about it.
You don't forget about it.
I just don't know why
people fuck with me, Pop.
Why won't they leave me alone?
- You don't know why?
- No.
Peter, look. See that
big dog over there?
- Yeah.
- Well, look at the little dog yipping at him.
And the big dog's doing nothing.
- You know why?
- 'Cause he's scared?
No, he's not scared.
He knows if he lets out one roar,
he'll ruin that fuckin'
little puppy's day.
That thing will fuckin' go scatter,
and he's liable to have a heart attack.
He's gonna run like a fuckin' rabbit.
You know what I mean, big dog?
Be the big dog.
Don't let people shit on
you and make you miserable.
I don't fucking like it.
Fight back, Peter. Fight back.
You're a fighter. It's in our blood.
[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC]
You're right. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em.
I'm gonna fucking do
something about this.
I hope you do, Peter.
You're the best. I love you.
- I'll see you later.
- Go kick ass.
- I will.
- My boy.
ALL: Ohh!
Ah, it's like real-life "Fruit Ninja."
- [LAUGHS]
- Try the watermelon.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- Whoo!
All right.
Someone throw me a fuckin' pumpkin.
- No!
- Whoa, whoa.
- No.
- Respect.
Hey, Dave, why don't you
get your Klingon sword?
All right.
Once again, Pete, this is
a glaive, not a bat'leth.
Have you ever seen a titty before?
Oh, fuck.
What?
I think your mom might
have found Scatman.
Really? What?
Gimme the gimme!
The fuck?
Dave, gimme your Klingon sword!
♪
- Shit. Shit.
- So you just gave him the address?
We don't know anything about this guy.
He could be a psychopath.
Yeah, but he just, like, took my phone.
- Oh, so you just let him go?
- No, he was, like,
holding this sword, and he was
he was acting, like, really intense.
And he had this, like,
insane look on his face.
What does that even mean?
Yeah, it was like like that.
Fucking Crillz.
[SIGHS] Damn it. Call me an Uber.
[OMINOUS PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
- Peter.
- Mom?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Are you tracking me?
What do you think I'm doing?
I'm getting you out of here.
Does Dave know you
have his Klingon sword?
It's a glaive, and no, he doesn't.
Look, the guy who posts
the pictures lives here,
and I'm waiting for
him. He's not home yet.
Well, thank God for that.
You don't know this guy.
- What if he's dangerous?
- Da
I'm fuckin' dangerous!
Yes, Peter. You're very dangerous.
- Get in the car.
- I'm doing this.
Get in the fucking car!
[LOWERS VOICE] All
right. Don't make a scene.
Jesus Christ.
I think we should go home.
No, we're waiting till he gets back.
Why don't you just give
his name to your lawyers
- and let them deal with it?
- No, Ma.
I'm tired of people
doing this shit to me.
I need to see him.
How do you know he's not on vacation?
I don't care. I'll wait
a fucking week, okay?
All right. I will wait too.
[LIGHT TENSE MUSIC]
♪
You hungry?
Yeah, I could eat. Yeah.
If I'd known we were doing a stakeout,
I would have bought some sandwiches.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Maybe there's a store
- I could walk to.
- No, I got it.
You want burritos?
You know, detective, I, uh
I know you don't like working with me
because I'm a young rookie cop
who doesn't play by the rules.
But just know, I love what I do,
and I fuckin' get the job done.
I've seen a lot of
things on these streets.
I'm out here to protect
people, 'cause that's my job.
- It's what we fucking do.
- It's what we do.
It's what we do.
Thank you.
So what do we do when he gets home?
I don't know. I figured
I'd roll up on him
with, like, that weird sword,
and just see what happens.
You know, when I read that story
[SIGHS] You know why it wrecked me?
Because I immediately believed it.
[SCOFFS] It's like the
thing that you always knew
was gonna happen had finally happened.
You can't imagine what it's
like to live like this, honey.
You
do you have any idea how
hard it is to be your mother?
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS]
Ah! Ye, no!
Did I miss anything? What happened?
No.
No, you're good.
Fuck.
Damn, it stinks in here.
I'm gonna throw this stuff away.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Shit. It's showtime.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
Hey!
Dr. Rossi?
Pete.
What, uh why are you at my home?
Are you are you
"What About Bob"-ing me?
What what is this? This is
- this is inappropriate, Pete.
- Inappro
- you're the fuckin' Scatman?
- Whoa!
- It's you?
- Pete,
I think you're having a
manic paranoid episode,
and you're projecting
this onto me, okay?
That's bullshit. How come the user
had an LLC agreement
attached to this address?
- The user
- Okay, okay, fine!
- How come how come you
- Yes! Fine! Yes!
Bravo, Pete. Bravo. You caught me.
Uh, congratulations.
Light up your pipe, Sherlock Holmes,
'cause this one's in the books.
What is this?
Why why do you have a
glaive? Have you come to kill me?
What are you doing, Pete?
I don't know, man. I'm
really fuckin' confused.
Why don't we go inside
and have a little chat
about this, free of charge.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Put the weapon down,
and let's just have a little chat.
Why would you do this to
me? You know how triggering
- and fucking traumatic this is?
- Look, Pete.
I thought you would have
figured this out by now,
but clearly, it's just
not getting through to you.
You don't see what this is?
I am helping you, Pete.
This is all part of our treatment.
What are you talking about?
All this work you're doing.
You're obsessing over
this Wikipedia picture.
You know what that tells me, Pete?
That tells me that you're
not doing very good at all.
I mean, Pete, this is just
my way of tracking you,
or controlling you, you know?
But, like, I'm trying to keep tabs
on if you're making any
progress, and God damn it,
you have failed!
What kind of method is that?
What kind of therapy is that?
I don't have to explain myself to you.
You sound like all the rest of them.
They all say, oh, you're crazy.
Your methods are impractical,
inhumane, ineffective, they won't work,
they're not, uh, based in science.
And you know what I say? Shut your
shut your mouth, you
stupid Harvard asshole!
I'm not even a
college-trained therapist,
and I know more than you.
You don't have a college degree?
What does that matter?
What, I have to have a
little plaque on my wall
for you to feel good? Okay?
- Yeah!
- Okay, oh, so now you're
you're fixating on
what other people have.
Oh, this guy's got a nicer car than me.
This guy has an actual
professional therapist.
I gotta have what he has.
My goodness, we're gonna have
a lot to talk about on Thursday, pal.
You don't think it's weird
that I pay a guy to talk about
a guy who's fucking with my head,
- and it's the same fucking guy?
- Not at all.
Do you know what? I'm gonna have to
have a whole other session with you
to walk you through this.
Okay, how's your Tuesday?
I'm gonna pencil you in for that.
- You're an idiot. I'm leaving.
- No, dude!
Oh, Pete, I get it, okay?
You're frustrated. This
is a lot to process.
So uh, all right.
Well, I will pencil you in
for Tuesday, and we are good.
No, you're fired.
Not even on Thursday?
I'm never gonna see you again.
I've already put you in, so I'm gonna
have to charge you if I cancel it now.
But I didn't make the appointment!
It's less than 24 hours,
and that's just the rule.
- You're fired!
- Okay, Pete,
- is this about the photo?
- Yes!
Okay, I'll take the
stupid photo down, okay,
if you're so fixated on it, all right?
But I'm not gonna give up on you.
I don't quit on my patients, Pete.
I don't give up on them.
Not until the day they die.
And they all die. Most of them have.
Suicide, mostly.
Not all of them.
You're here.
Oh, my God.
You did the fake death
announcement, too, didn't you?
Well, I guess we'll never know.
Fuck you, dude.
Unless you stop caring about
the things that don't matter!
Pete, all this time
and energy you've spent
focusing on this
you could have spent that focusing on
the things that are really
important to you, Pete.
What matters in your life, Pete?
[SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
[WHISPERING] Amy, your mom?
Your mother?
♪
Peter? Peter, where are you? Oh, my God.
Fuck, you're good.
No shit, Pete.
I'll see you on Thursday?
Can you do Friday, actually?
I have a thing I forgot,
I have a thing on Thursday.
I could do Zoom. Do you do Zoom?
Zoom is fine.
I'll be in my car, if
that's not an issue.
- No, that's cool.
- Okay.
I'll see you then, bud.
All right.
- Pete.
- Yeah?
Don't forget your weapon.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God. There you are!
- What the fuck?
- Oh.
It's all over with now. We can go.
What, did I miss it? What happened?
Yeah, uh, I just decided
I'm not gonna waste time getting
so upset over stuff like this.
Wow. All right.
That sounds very mature.
Yeah, and also, this
is, like, the first time
we've spent any time
together in, like, forever,
and I'd like to spend
more time with you.
- You know?
- I would love that, Peter.
- Watch the glaive.
- [LAUGHS]
Okay.
Hey, Ma, I, um
I'm really sorry about everything.
I I can't imagine what that's like.
But I I promise I
won't ever let anything
like that happen, okay?
It's just, when I saw the
news on my phone, I realized,
like, that's how it's gonna happen.
You know, that's how I'm gonna find out.
And I now I got that feeling,
and I can't seem to shake it.
Ma, Ma, I promise you,
I will never kill myself
until after you're dead.
- You mean it?
- I promise.
You'll never know.
[LAUGHS] Thank you, honey.
That's all I can ask for. Aw.
They waited all night by your door ♪
You probably wouldn't remember ♪
You know, this was one of
your dad's favorite songs.
Yeah, yeah, I remember
he used to sing it to us all the time.
In the pouring rain ♪
Everything's better when wet ♪
Jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪
Pete, take a picture with your sister.
Here, get your arms around
her. Look at me, guys.
Smile.
Now, don't squint, buddy.
You're way more handsome
with your eyes open.
Come on. Yeah.
There you go. What a stud, huh?
- What a stud.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
[STEVE MILLER BAND'S "JUNGLE LOVE"]
You treat me like I was your ocean ♪
You swim in my blood when it's warm ♪
My cycles of circular motion ♪
Protect you and keep you from harm ♪
You live in a world of illusion ♪
Where everything's peaches and cream ♪
We all face a scarlet conclusion ♪
But we spend our time in a dream ♪
♪
Jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪
It's making me crazy, crazy ♪
Jungle love, it's driving me crazy ♪
♪