Burnistoun (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 - All right, Scott? - All right, Peter.
- All right, mucker? - All right, big yin? - All right, big chap? - All right, boss? - All right, chief? - All right, big man? - All right, wee man? - All right, big fella? - All right, wee fella? - All right, ya rocker? - All right, ya roaster? - All right, ya daftie? - All right, ya maddie? - All right? All right? Northern Scotland and the Isles will be sunny at times, with snow later.
Most of England and North Wales will be dull with I think I'll just head.
Hi, I'm Alex Ciderson, and if you live in Burnistoun, you'd better get yourself down to Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson Warehouse.
I've been at the cutting edge of cloning technology for the past 15 years, and my Alex Ciderson warehouse has only the very best Alex Cidersons.
Maybe that's why people say Alex Ciderson's full of himself.
And that's why I can sell these Alex Cidersons so cheaply I'm practically giving myself away! My Alex Cidersons are a hit in the dining room.
Do you need to slurp your soup like that? It's embarrassing.
I'm sorry, pet, I can't hear you for this pig slurping his soup.
Who are you calling a pig? Pulling me up in front of people.
- Do you know who I am? - Do you know who I am? And my Alex Cidersons are a hit in the bedroom.
I bought three Alex Cidersons.
That means one minute of foreplay between them all, before they take turns to reassure me that I'm sorry.
This has never happened to me before.
I'm sorry.
This has never happened to me before.
I swear to God this has never happened to me before! So get down to Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson Warehouse and tell Alex Ciderson Alex Ciderson sent you.
Shit! A washer and an adjusting spanner? Eh I don't know.
What is it you want them for? You got the instructions? That's the worst set of instructions I've ever seen in ma puff, son.
What's that meant to be there? You can never bucking tell what the buck you're meant to do in a million bucking years.
Ach, I've went and spilt ma coffee ower yer bullets, pal.
Any chance you could jump doon and get us another one? Aye, a black tea for me, son, eh? Let's have a look at these pieces now.
- That disnae look right to me.
- Let's test it oot.
- Here, I'll test it.
- No, I'll test it.
- I'll test it! - I'll test it! Right, what'll we shoot? Here, look.
There, that big, arrogant bastard frae the lawyer's.
Gie him a fright.
Up here, you bucking big idiot, ye! Ho, ya big dick! Here, gie's a shot.
Son, where you off tae? You no' want a shot, no? All right.
Oh, here, look, look Boss in his office, smoking a cigar.
Bet you naebody else in that whole building is allowed to smoke.
Aye, bucking typical, aye? I'm gonnae shoot that cigar right oot his fat lips.
We won't help you, son.
Excellent work again, Number 5.
7 million euros has just been wired to your bank account All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
Jolly Boy John wearing shoes is for real.
Jolly Boy John wearing his dad's shoes is for real.
Jolly Boy John wearing his dad's shoes on his feet and his ma's shoes on his hauns is for real.
Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's shoes on his feet and all his dad's shoes doon his pants and shouting squirrels all the time is for real.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
What you're seeing is all for real.
Do you wish you could be as for real as Jolly Boy John? Get real! Now on BBC Burnistoun, award-winning Scottish drama The Drugs.
- What's that? - Nothin', Da.
I swear on ma mammy's grave, if you're turning to drugs I bought you a birthday card, Da.
It's got a picture of the Virgin Mary on it.
I'm sorry, son.
Since yer mammy died I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
Swear to me you'll never turn to the drugs.
I swear tae ye, I'll never turn to the drugs.
Swear on the Virgin Mary.
I swear on the Virgin Mary.
Swear on yer mammy's grave.
I swear on ma mammy's grave.
Swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave.
I swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave, I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
Good.
Cos see if ye ever dae, I swear on ma mammy's grave, I'll kill ye.
Jamie! Jamie! I've turned to the drugs, Jamie.
- Who did this to ye? - MacConnor.
I was working for him, selling the drugs to people that had turned to the drugs, and then I turned to the drugs.
If I don't pay him back, he swore to me on his mammy's grave, he's gonnae kill me.
I can see the Virgin Mary! Where are the drugs? I swear on ma mammy's grave if he's turned to the drugs, I No! He's turned to the drugs! Oh, Fraser, Fraser why did ye turn tae the drugs? Why? That's your debt noo.
I'm a gangster, and that's your debt.
And I swear on ma mammy's grave Nae son of mine'll be in debt to a drug dealer.
Ah'm taking that debt on and I swear on Fraser's grave.
Cannae swear on a grave that's no' been dug yet.
He might get cremated.
Then I swear on ma mammy's grave, if you try and turn ma son to the drugs, I'll kill ye.
No, I swear on ma mammy's grave I'll kill you.
I swear on ma mammy's grave and your mammy's grave! All the mammies in all the graves! Da.
I'm sorry I ever bought you that card with the Virgin Mary on it.
But don't worry, you'll no' have to look at ma face for much longer.
MacConnor! No! Oh, Da Da! Ye've got to promise me, son, you promise me you won't ever Promise me you won't ever turn Promise me you won't ever turn to the What was he gonnae say? I'll never know.
I'll never know! I'm Burnistoun's favourite son, Biscuity Boyle, and I'm here to tell you aboot my latest venture.
Sex Ed For Adults.
Get away from me, hen! Oh, no I can get masel' up.
It's my centre of gravity, hen, cos I used to be an athlete, not that you'd know that noo, the state of me.
Oh, Mammy, Daddy, I think I've went and urilated masel' a wee bit there an' all.
Here's some of ma testiconials.
I've never done any of Biscuity's classes, naw.
It's nice that he keeps himself busy, but he's a very lonely old fella.
I feel sorry for him in a way.
He's, erm, quite obese.
Sex education should nae end at school.
Even grown-ups need to be taught to learn how to teach themselves to keep learning how to treat their lovers with res Oop, I'm goin' here.
Ah! Ah! Oh, I've hurt masel'.
Oh, no, I don't need lifted, hen, for God's sake.
I was a young man once, I was nae always like this.
I'm a joke is what I am.
Och, I've gone and let one aff noo an' all.
Big fat Biscuity Boyle let one aff and he's urilating all over his ain advert.
Turn that camera aff, well.
Your romantic day of love will be enhanced by the wisdom of Burnistoun's favourite son.
How was that? I used to be a bastarding athlete.
Cannae even get ma joke of a body up some stairs.
Oh, no! Oh, no, no, leave me, hen.
Don't humilimate me.
I can pull up ma ain troosers.
Oh, in the name Oh, there we are, right on cue.
I'm sorry, hen, I never meant Oh! Oh, no.
Mammy, Daddy, what am I like? Just leave me.
Just leave me tae die - stupid old waster.
Get some of that euthamasia for me, well.
Sex Ed For Adults.
Only from Biscuity Boyle Oh, perfect.
Burnistoun's favourite son.
How was that? Yeah, yeah, that's great.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to helping people Yeah.
Right, bye-bye.
That's me daein' ma volunteer bit for the helpline.
What helpline? A kind of support type of thing.
People needing people to talk tae, they phone up and they get put through to me.
So I'm gonna need the phone to be clear, right? Aye, well, I need the phone as well.
I've got a phone line job tae.
- What phone line job? - Sex line.
Guys wanting to talk to hunky studs get put through tae me.
Guys looking for hunky studs?! Look, I need the phone kept free fae hauf seven tae midnight.
Well, so dae I.
Put it on speakerphone.
Hello? Hi, there.
I'm needing someone to talk to.
Somebody special.
Special how? Somebody who likes to listen.
It's yours.
And likes other things as well.
What kind of things? My boyfriend's no there, so He left me for somebody else.
I'm really lonely Lonely in what way? Lonely, sad lonely, or lonely, horny lonely? Sorry? What did you say there? He's offended.
He's mine.
On the one hand it's great cos he had no interestin sex any more whatsoever.
- Well, sex is all I'm interested in, pal.
- On the other hand, he was everything to me, and I feel like killing myself.
Oh, no, that'slet's no' think like that.
That's never the answer.
It's strange, I feel so depressed and down.
It takes time.
And yet I've never felt so horny.
Well, we can help you with that, mate.
Why don't you start by taking off your clothes? Oh, God, I miss him.
I really.
.
Did you just ask me to take my clothes off? The black, grieving clothes of your mind, take them off.
I feel like nobody wants me.
Oh, I'm sure that's no' true.
Having a one-nightstand, just to prove I'm still desirable.
Oh, make up your mind, mate, eh? Do you want to have help with your problems or do you want phone sex? Are you saying you offer both? One or the other, mate.
Who did you phone? I phoned for help.
Right, that's it decided.
Suicidal it is.
OK.
But now that you mention it, a bit of sex talk might cheer me right up.
A number one single and a number one album.
Quite an achievement for a boy from Burnistoun.
Oh, no.
Listen, I don't want to talk about Burnistoun.
Burnistoun's a shithole.
OK, we've called this emergency council meeting to attend to the very public comments made by the pop star The MC Hottie Boxtrot made about our fine city.
The quote being, and I quote, "Burnistoun is a shithole.
" Now, how are we going to respond to this slur? Well, he's right.
It is a shithole.
OK, we've called this emergency council meeting to attend to comments made by Burnistoun councillor Toddy Port-Seaton, made at an emergency council meeting called to attend to the very public comments made by the pop star The MC Hottie Boxtrot, who said, and I quote, "Burnistoun is a shithole.
" To which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton commented, and I quote, "Well, he's right.
It is a shithole.
" Well, it is.
It's a bloody shithole.
A statement to which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton initially replied, "Well, he's right.
It is a shithole," a comment, which when read out at an emergency council meeting of a fortnight ago, was met with a comment from Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton himself, the quote being, and I quote, "Well, it is.
It's a bloody shithole.
" Well, it is! It is! To which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton screamed, and I quote, "Well, it is.
It is.
" Well, it is! My apologies for the sudden nature of this emergency council meeting.
Shithole! My apologies for the short notice Shithole.
My Shithole.
Toddy! My apologies for the delay in the commencement Aaarrrgghhh! I can nae believe I forgot my phone.
I've not got a clue what time it is.
I'm going to be late for the wean.
I could ask they lassies the time.
No, cannae dae that Grown man talking to schoolgirls on the bus.
It'll look well suss.
Aw, brilliant Noo she thinks I was looking at her.
"Did you see that mad paedo on the bus?" Idiot! Listen to yourself, this is you buying into all the suspicion and paranoia about men in society Don't let them dae it to you.
You're just a guy that needs to know the time.
Argh, that's your card marked as a pervert noo.
Both of them think you were looking at.
.
No.
No, they don't, they don't Look, you've got a wean.
Show them a picture of the wean, then ask them the time.
You're all right if you've got a wean.
What ye daein', ya nut job? "Do you want to see ma wean? Do you want to see some puppies, girls?" A grown man does not approach an unknown schoolgirl for any reason, and that's it.
Even if it's just tae ask the time.
But this is mental.
You're going to be late for the wean.
- Find oot the time.
- Excuse me.
Jacky King, BBC Burnistoun, Snare The Beast What were you just about to do? I was just gonnae ask the time.
You were just going to ask the time? You, a stranger, were going to approach two schoolgirls? I've got a wean.
"I've got a wean.
" Textbook answer of the beast.
I think society's had its fill of this monster.
Beast Wrangler, snare the beast.
- Men.
We're all beasts.
- Watch us get snared, one by one.
Only on BBC Burnistoun.
Hiya.
My name's Kelly McGlade.
I'm glad I'm daein' this wee documentary thing, actually, you know, just in case when my DVD comes out I need any extras and that.
You should always gie extras, that's what my ma always said.
But then my ma worked in a sauna.
Anyway, today me and my band, Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds, are away to get a photoshoot done.
That's if they two wee ugly bastards I sing wi' don't crack the lenses.
OK, girls, if you can all get really close in together.
Carly's stinking, but.
She's actually stinking.
Sorry, I could nae shower.
Ma water's been cut aff, cos know how ma da's in the jail for driving his motor into that old folks' home, and know how ma ma's went to Malia wi' that Polish guy frae know how that Interpol wanted list thing, and any money I had I had to spend on paying aff the reporters frae know how that wee crime magazine, The Grasser, for to stop them making a story aboot ma brother and his bare-knuckle-fight gang.
Know how when tae shut up? Sorry.
This is Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds, no' Carly and her mental family full of rockets, and her wee stupid pal Emma, and, oh, by the way, beautiful Kelly McGlade staunin' up the back, waiting fer her band mates tae stop talking shite.
Sorry! Away you go and spray some o' this on ye and up ye.
Emphasis on up ye.
So, Kelly, d'you think I could do a few solo shots o' yerself while your band mates go and powder their noses? You heard him, Emma, away ye go and powder your nose.
No' the way your brother does it.
Murder, so they are.
Couple o' lucky wee tramps.
Right, what do you want from me? Well, I can see you're a very determined young woman, Kelly.
You're a go-getter, and that means we're very similar people, because when I see a lassie I want, I go get her.
That's hilarious.
I hope you develop yer photies better than you develop yer humorous concepts.
Oh, I'd like to develop something inside o' you.
Mate, the only chance you would've had is if I'd met you in your darkroom and I did nae know what an ugly bastard you were.
I thought a fisheye was a lens until I saw your face.
You won't get anywhere in this game wi' that kind o' attitude, darlin'.
Excuse me? Attitude?! I'm a Burnistoun lassie.
We were born wi' attitude.
Ma first words were a slaggin' aff for ma health visitor.
Ma first steps were a run-up to kickin' ma da in the baws.
So don't you tell me I'm no' going to get anywhere.
Suit yourself, ya wee hairy.
Noo, do you think you can gie me fierce? Is that fierce enough fer ye? I've been looking over this book of humorous quotations - you've been putting together for us.
- Some cracking lines in there, eh? Hmm.
I had asked you to unearth some new lines, you know, so it wasn't all the same old lines - as in all the other books.
- Oh, I did.
Found some belters.
D'you think? Some of them seem a little bit, um, I don't know In the section on the arts, on opera, we have Noël Coward's, "People are wrong "when they say that opera is not what it used to be.
"It is what it used to be, that is what is wrong with it.
" I like that one.
Yeah, things like that are good, yeah.
And then here we have a quote by Anon.
Ah, see.
Anon's no' a person's name.
It's no' like Cher.
It's actually short for anonymous.
Yeah, I know what Anon means.
Now, this particular Anon has this to say on the subject of opera.
"Opera is like something you would put into a bin.
"Rubbish.
" Oh, I like it.
I like it.
D'ye get it? Because you put rubbish intae a bin.
Yeah, there's not exactly a lot of wit in it, is there? Aye.
That's what a lot of guys think.
That's what a lot of guys would hit out with.
"Opera is rubbish.
" Well, when we do the book of what a lot of guys would hit out with, then I'll bear it in mind, but we're looking for quotations here that are better than your average person would come up with.
Sometimes you just need to be right to the point, though.
The section on Oscar Wilde.
All good stuff, as you'd imagine.
And then up pops Anon with this response to Wilde's writing.
- Oh, this is good.
- "Dorian Gray "Borian Gray, more like.
" That's classic.
I mean, you ask a guy to read Dorian Gray, that's what he'd blast out with.
I don't I don't care what a guy would blast out with.
Here we have Anon on the subject of The News.
"The News "the snooze, more like.
" Anon on the subject of children.
"Children are like wasps.
"Annoying wee bastards.
" Oh, belters.
But do you think these belong alongside Wilde and Mark Twain? I mean, perhaps you could point me in the direction of the humour in this particular Anon classic.
I mean, this is a real standout for me.
"Jazz "pure shite.
" Oh, oh, I mean Oh, that is wit.
I mean, that is Exactly what you'd hear a guy hit out with.
Yeah, you know what it seems like to me? It seems like we have asked you to compile a book of the wittiest things ever said, and all you've done is filled it with your own honking patter.
Would that be right, Anon? Are you not happy with the book? I'll answer that by pointing you in the direction of the sole Sir Alan Sugar quote in this thing you've compiled.
- What's that? - "You're fired.
" Book of quotations? Aye, book o' pish, mair like.
Yaaaas! So, you think you can survive a week without me? Just aboot.
Try not to play with yourself too much, please.
- Right, bye.
- Bye.
I forgot my
- All right, mucker? - All right, big yin? - All right, big chap? - All right, boss? - All right, chief? - All right, big man? - All right, wee man? - All right, big fella? - All right, wee fella? - All right, ya rocker? - All right, ya roaster? - All right, ya daftie? - All right, ya maddie? - All right? All right? Northern Scotland and the Isles will be sunny at times, with snow later.
Most of England and North Wales will be dull with I think I'll just head.
Hi, I'm Alex Ciderson, and if you live in Burnistoun, you'd better get yourself down to Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson Warehouse.
I've been at the cutting edge of cloning technology for the past 15 years, and my Alex Ciderson warehouse has only the very best Alex Cidersons.
Maybe that's why people say Alex Ciderson's full of himself.
And that's why I can sell these Alex Cidersons so cheaply I'm practically giving myself away! My Alex Cidersons are a hit in the dining room.
Do you need to slurp your soup like that? It's embarrassing.
I'm sorry, pet, I can't hear you for this pig slurping his soup.
Who are you calling a pig? Pulling me up in front of people.
- Do you know who I am? - Do you know who I am? And my Alex Cidersons are a hit in the bedroom.
I bought three Alex Cidersons.
That means one minute of foreplay between them all, before they take turns to reassure me that I'm sorry.
This has never happened to me before.
I'm sorry.
This has never happened to me before.
I swear to God this has never happened to me before! So get down to Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson Warehouse and tell Alex Ciderson Alex Ciderson sent you.
Shit! A washer and an adjusting spanner? Eh I don't know.
What is it you want them for? You got the instructions? That's the worst set of instructions I've ever seen in ma puff, son.
What's that meant to be there? You can never bucking tell what the buck you're meant to do in a million bucking years.
Ach, I've went and spilt ma coffee ower yer bullets, pal.
Any chance you could jump doon and get us another one? Aye, a black tea for me, son, eh? Let's have a look at these pieces now.
- That disnae look right to me.
- Let's test it oot.
- Here, I'll test it.
- No, I'll test it.
- I'll test it! - I'll test it! Right, what'll we shoot? Here, look.
There, that big, arrogant bastard frae the lawyer's.
Gie him a fright.
Up here, you bucking big idiot, ye! Ho, ya big dick! Here, gie's a shot.
Son, where you off tae? You no' want a shot, no? All right.
Oh, here, look, look Boss in his office, smoking a cigar.
Bet you naebody else in that whole building is allowed to smoke.
Aye, bucking typical, aye? I'm gonnae shoot that cigar right oot his fat lips.
We won't help you, son.
Excellent work again, Number 5.
7 million euros has just been wired to your bank account All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
Jolly Boy John wearing shoes is for real.
Jolly Boy John wearing his dad's shoes is for real.
Jolly Boy John wearing his dad's shoes on his feet and his ma's shoes on his hauns is for real.
Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's shoes on his feet and all his dad's shoes doon his pants and shouting squirrels all the time is for real.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
Squirrels.
What you're seeing is all for real.
Do you wish you could be as for real as Jolly Boy John? Get real! Now on BBC Burnistoun, award-winning Scottish drama The Drugs.
- What's that? - Nothin', Da.
I swear on ma mammy's grave, if you're turning to drugs I bought you a birthday card, Da.
It's got a picture of the Virgin Mary on it.
I'm sorry, son.
Since yer mammy died I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
Swear to me you'll never turn to the drugs.
I swear tae ye, I'll never turn to the drugs.
Swear on the Virgin Mary.
I swear on the Virgin Mary.
Swear on yer mammy's grave.
I swear on ma mammy's grave.
Swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave.
I swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave, I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
Good.
Cos see if ye ever dae, I swear on ma mammy's grave, I'll kill ye.
Jamie! Jamie! I've turned to the drugs, Jamie.
- Who did this to ye? - MacConnor.
I was working for him, selling the drugs to people that had turned to the drugs, and then I turned to the drugs.
If I don't pay him back, he swore to me on his mammy's grave, he's gonnae kill me.
I can see the Virgin Mary! Where are the drugs? I swear on ma mammy's grave if he's turned to the drugs, I No! He's turned to the drugs! Oh, Fraser, Fraser why did ye turn tae the drugs? Why? That's your debt noo.
I'm a gangster, and that's your debt.
And I swear on ma mammy's grave Nae son of mine'll be in debt to a drug dealer.
Ah'm taking that debt on and I swear on Fraser's grave.
Cannae swear on a grave that's no' been dug yet.
He might get cremated.
Then I swear on ma mammy's grave, if you try and turn ma son to the drugs, I'll kill ye.
No, I swear on ma mammy's grave I'll kill you.
I swear on ma mammy's grave and your mammy's grave! All the mammies in all the graves! Da.
I'm sorry I ever bought you that card with the Virgin Mary on it.
But don't worry, you'll no' have to look at ma face for much longer.
MacConnor! No! Oh, Da Da! Ye've got to promise me, son, you promise me you won't ever Promise me you won't ever turn Promise me you won't ever turn to the What was he gonnae say? I'll never know.
I'll never know! I'm Burnistoun's favourite son, Biscuity Boyle, and I'm here to tell you aboot my latest venture.
Sex Ed For Adults.
Get away from me, hen! Oh, no I can get masel' up.
It's my centre of gravity, hen, cos I used to be an athlete, not that you'd know that noo, the state of me.
Oh, Mammy, Daddy, I think I've went and urilated masel' a wee bit there an' all.
Here's some of ma testiconials.
I've never done any of Biscuity's classes, naw.
It's nice that he keeps himself busy, but he's a very lonely old fella.
I feel sorry for him in a way.
He's, erm, quite obese.
Sex education should nae end at school.
Even grown-ups need to be taught to learn how to teach themselves to keep learning how to treat their lovers with res Oop, I'm goin' here.
Ah! Ah! Oh, I've hurt masel'.
Oh, no, I don't need lifted, hen, for God's sake.
I was a young man once, I was nae always like this.
I'm a joke is what I am.
Och, I've gone and let one aff noo an' all.
Big fat Biscuity Boyle let one aff and he's urilating all over his ain advert.
Turn that camera aff, well.
Your romantic day of love will be enhanced by the wisdom of Burnistoun's favourite son.
How was that? I used to be a bastarding athlete.
Cannae even get ma joke of a body up some stairs.
Oh, no! Oh, no, no, leave me, hen.
Don't humilimate me.
I can pull up ma ain troosers.
Oh, in the name Oh, there we are, right on cue.
I'm sorry, hen, I never meant Oh! Oh, no.
Mammy, Daddy, what am I like? Just leave me.
Just leave me tae die - stupid old waster.
Get some of that euthamasia for me, well.
Sex Ed For Adults.
Only from Biscuity Boyle Oh, perfect.
Burnistoun's favourite son.
How was that? Yeah, yeah, that's great.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to helping people Yeah.
Right, bye-bye.
That's me daein' ma volunteer bit for the helpline.
What helpline? A kind of support type of thing.
People needing people to talk tae, they phone up and they get put through to me.
So I'm gonna need the phone to be clear, right? Aye, well, I need the phone as well.
I've got a phone line job tae.
- What phone line job? - Sex line.
Guys wanting to talk to hunky studs get put through tae me.
Guys looking for hunky studs?! Look, I need the phone kept free fae hauf seven tae midnight.
Well, so dae I.
Put it on speakerphone.
Hello? Hi, there.
I'm needing someone to talk to.
Somebody special.
Special how? Somebody who likes to listen.
It's yours.
And likes other things as well.
What kind of things? My boyfriend's no there, so He left me for somebody else.
I'm really lonely Lonely in what way? Lonely, sad lonely, or lonely, horny lonely? Sorry? What did you say there? He's offended.
He's mine.
On the one hand it's great cos he had no interestin sex any more whatsoever.
- Well, sex is all I'm interested in, pal.
- On the other hand, he was everything to me, and I feel like killing myself.
Oh, no, that'slet's no' think like that.
That's never the answer.
It's strange, I feel so depressed and down.
It takes time.
And yet I've never felt so horny.
Well, we can help you with that, mate.
Why don't you start by taking off your clothes? Oh, God, I miss him.
I really.
.
Did you just ask me to take my clothes off? The black, grieving clothes of your mind, take them off.
I feel like nobody wants me.
Oh, I'm sure that's no' true.
Having a one-nightstand, just to prove I'm still desirable.
Oh, make up your mind, mate, eh? Do you want to have help with your problems or do you want phone sex? Are you saying you offer both? One or the other, mate.
Who did you phone? I phoned for help.
Right, that's it decided.
Suicidal it is.
OK.
But now that you mention it, a bit of sex talk might cheer me right up.
A number one single and a number one album.
Quite an achievement for a boy from Burnistoun.
Oh, no.
Listen, I don't want to talk about Burnistoun.
Burnistoun's a shithole.
OK, we've called this emergency council meeting to attend to the very public comments made by the pop star The MC Hottie Boxtrot made about our fine city.
The quote being, and I quote, "Burnistoun is a shithole.
" Now, how are we going to respond to this slur? Well, he's right.
It is a shithole.
OK, we've called this emergency council meeting to attend to comments made by Burnistoun councillor Toddy Port-Seaton, made at an emergency council meeting called to attend to the very public comments made by the pop star The MC Hottie Boxtrot, who said, and I quote, "Burnistoun is a shithole.
" To which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton commented, and I quote, "Well, he's right.
It is a shithole.
" Well, it is.
It's a bloody shithole.
A statement to which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton initially replied, "Well, he's right.
It is a shithole," a comment, which when read out at an emergency council meeting of a fortnight ago, was met with a comment from Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton himself, the quote being, and I quote, "Well, it is.
It's a bloody shithole.
" Well, it is! It is! To which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton screamed, and I quote, "Well, it is.
It is.
" Well, it is! My apologies for the sudden nature of this emergency council meeting.
Shithole! My apologies for the short notice Shithole.
My Shithole.
Toddy! My apologies for the delay in the commencement Aaarrrgghhh! I can nae believe I forgot my phone.
I've not got a clue what time it is.
I'm going to be late for the wean.
I could ask they lassies the time.
No, cannae dae that Grown man talking to schoolgirls on the bus.
It'll look well suss.
Aw, brilliant Noo she thinks I was looking at her.
"Did you see that mad paedo on the bus?" Idiot! Listen to yourself, this is you buying into all the suspicion and paranoia about men in society Don't let them dae it to you.
You're just a guy that needs to know the time.
Argh, that's your card marked as a pervert noo.
Both of them think you were looking at.
.
No.
No, they don't, they don't Look, you've got a wean.
Show them a picture of the wean, then ask them the time.
You're all right if you've got a wean.
What ye daein', ya nut job? "Do you want to see ma wean? Do you want to see some puppies, girls?" A grown man does not approach an unknown schoolgirl for any reason, and that's it.
Even if it's just tae ask the time.
But this is mental.
You're going to be late for the wean.
- Find oot the time.
- Excuse me.
Jacky King, BBC Burnistoun, Snare The Beast What were you just about to do? I was just gonnae ask the time.
You were just going to ask the time? You, a stranger, were going to approach two schoolgirls? I've got a wean.
"I've got a wean.
" Textbook answer of the beast.
I think society's had its fill of this monster.
Beast Wrangler, snare the beast.
- Men.
We're all beasts.
- Watch us get snared, one by one.
Only on BBC Burnistoun.
Hiya.
My name's Kelly McGlade.
I'm glad I'm daein' this wee documentary thing, actually, you know, just in case when my DVD comes out I need any extras and that.
You should always gie extras, that's what my ma always said.
But then my ma worked in a sauna.
Anyway, today me and my band, Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds, are away to get a photoshoot done.
That's if they two wee ugly bastards I sing wi' don't crack the lenses.
OK, girls, if you can all get really close in together.
Carly's stinking, but.
She's actually stinking.
Sorry, I could nae shower.
Ma water's been cut aff, cos know how ma da's in the jail for driving his motor into that old folks' home, and know how ma ma's went to Malia wi' that Polish guy frae know how that Interpol wanted list thing, and any money I had I had to spend on paying aff the reporters frae know how that wee crime magazine, The Grasser, for to stop them making a story aboot ma brother and his bare-knuckle-fight gang.
Know how when tae shut up? Sorry.
This is Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds, no' Carly and her mental family full of rockets, and her wee stupid pal Emma, and, oh, by the way, beautiful Kelly McGlade staunin' up the back, waiting fer her band mates tae stop talking shite.
Sorry! Away you go and spray some o' this on ye and up ye.
Emphasis on up ye.
So, Kelly, d'you think I could do a few solo shots o' yerself while your band mates go and powder their noses? You heard him, Emma, away ye go and powder your nose.
No' the way your brother does it.
Murder, so they are.
Couple o' lucky wee tramps.
Right, what do you want from me? Well, I can see you're a very determined young woman, Kelly.
You're a go-getter, and that means we're very similar people, because when I see a lassie I want, I go get her.
That's hilarious.
I hope you develop yer photies better than you develop yer humorous concepts.
Oh, I'd like to develop something inside o' you.
Mate, the only chance you would've had is if I'd met you in your darkroom and I did nae know what an ugly bastard you were.
I thought a fisheye was a lens until I saw your face.
You won't get anywhere in this game wi' that kind o' attitude, darlin'.
Excuse me? Attitude?! I'm a Burnistoun lassie.
We were born wi' attitude.
Ma first words were a slaggin' aff for ma health visitor.
Ma first steps were a run-up to kickin' ma da in the baws.
So don't you tell me I'm no' going to get anywhere.
Suit yourself, ya wee hairy.
Noo, do you think you can gie me fierce? Is that fierce enough fer ye? I've been looking over this book of humorous quotations - you've been putting together for us.
- Some cracking lines in there, eh? Hmm.
I had asked you to unearth some new lines, you know, so it wasn't all the same old lines - as in all the other books.
- Oh, I did.
Found some belters.
D'you think? Some of them seem a little bit, um, I don't know In the section on the arts, on opera, we have Noël Coward's, "People are wrong "when they say that opera is not what it used to be.
"It is what it used to be, that is what is wrong with it.
" I like that one.
Yeah, things like that are good, yeah.
And then here we have a quote by Anon.
Ah, see.
Anon's no' a person's name.
It's no' like Cher.
It's actually short for anonymous.
Yeah, I know what Anon means.
Now, this particular Anon has this to say on the subject of opera.
"Opera is like something you would put into a bin.
"Rubbish.
" Oh, I like it.
I like it.
D'ye get it? Because you put rubbish intae a bin.
Yeah, there's not exactly a lot of wit in it, is there? Aye.
That's what a lot of guys think.
That's what a lot of guys would hit out with.
"Opera is rubbish.
" Well, when we do the book of what a lot of guys would hit out with, then I'll bear it in mind, but we're looking for quotations here that are better than your average person would come up with.
Sometimes you just need to be right to the point, though.
The section on Oscar Wilde.
All good stuff, as you'd imagine.
And then up pops Anon with this response to Wilde's writing.
- Oh, this is good.
- "Dorian Gray "Borian Gray, more like.
" That's classic.
I mean, you ask a guy to read Dorian Gray, that's what he'd blast out with.
I don't I don't care what a guy would blast out with.
Here we have Anon on the subject of The News.
"The News "the snooze, more like.
" Anon on the subject of children.
"Children are like wasps.
"Annoying wee bastards.
" Oh, belters.
But do you think these belong alongside Wilde and Mark Twain? I mean, perhaps you could point me in the direction of the humour in this particular Anon classic.
I mean, this is a real standout for me.
"Jazz "pure shite.
" Oh, oh, I mean Oh, that is wit.
I mean, that is Exactly what you'd hear a guy hit out with.
Yeah, you know what it seems like to me? It seems like we have asked you to compile a book of the wittiest things ever said, and all you've done is filled it with your own honking patter.
Would that be right, Anon? Are you not happy with the book? I'll answer that by pointing you in the direction of the sole Sir Alan Sugar quote in this thing you've compiled.
- What's that? - "You're fired.
" Book of quotations? Aye, book o' pish, mair like.
Yaaaas! So, you think you can survive a week without me? Just aboot.
Try not to play with yourself too much, please.
- Right, bye.
- Bye.
I forgot my