Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e03 Episode Script
Mama
What do you think? More, uh salesperson-y, less receptionist-ish? LARRY: You are a vision of propriety and large-margin virtue.
I bet you sell your first car today.
You ain't selling jack shit unless you know the nine steps.
Aren't there 12 steps? If you're a drunken loser.
Ah.
Step one: Personality.
-Notes.
-Right.
No one's going to cough up eight large and change for the used cruise with Mr.
Boring.
And if you want personality, you might want to rethink that suit, toots.
Looking good: That's step two.
You got to smell good: Step three.
You got to stand up tall.
That's four, baby, four.
And you want to pay attention to step five.
It doesn't matter what the hell you're wearing.
You're never going to make it in this business unless you got it going on up here.
Botox.
I'm not judging.
Brains, moron.
You think any monkey can sell cars? A good salesman's got to be alert.
You've got to have imagination: Seven.
And he's got to have a keen fucking sense of observation.
That's nine, baby, nine.
I'm sorry.
I think we're on eight.
That's right.
I was just testing you kids because nine is a personal favorite of mine.
A good salesman's got to be able to make friends -Hi.
-Hi.
FITZ: and get along.
WOMAN: Fuck me, Fitz! FITZ: Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
WOMAN: I fucking love this car! Now, there's also a tenth step not many people know about.
Ä°t's kind of my secret weapon.
You will never be at the top of your game unless you have the killer instinct.
Anyone, and I mean anyone, gets in the way of you being numero uno, you mow that fucker down like a used piece of jet trash.
Piece of MAN: Help! Somebody call 911! Oh, my God! Sir? Hang on, Mr.
F.
! I'm coming! [Panting.]
'Cause there's only room at the top for one.
MAN: Oh, no! LARRY: Hang in there! I know cardiopulmonary That's what I'm talking about.
KEN: Larry, get off me! [Whistles.]
Oh.
[Clears throat, sniffs.]
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life could be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, good, you're alive.
Take more than a heart attack to kill Ken Fitz.
It wasn't your heart.
You had a panic attack because you had to talk to a gay.
I had a heart attack! -You need more O2, boss.
-Get the fuck away from me! And don't forget, estate lawyer at 3:00.
LARRY: Estate lawyer.
You've got it, sir.
In my day, faggots didn't come out until after dark.
Wait a minute.
What? Estate lawyer? How can I put the kid in my estate if I don't talk to an estate lawyer, dummy.
You're putting Larry in your will? He saved my life.
You had a panic attack.
He outsold you two-to-one last week.
He had me locked up in rehab! So? Drunks don't drive? You're actually being taken in by this fucking lunatic.
That's no way to talk about your brother.
First, you're my conscience, now you're my brother? I'll go get some biscotti.
Kid says he's got the same mother as you, and I believe him.
I think I would know if I had a brother.
KEN: Not necessarily.
Your mother never came clean about it, but I know that's why she left, the first time.
All the signs were there: mood swings, hard-on for Ben and Jerry's, huge tits.
She got knocked up by a putz named Dale in Parts.
Yeah, but even if that was true, he's not your kid.
Why put him in your will? I need someone here I can trust.
And you're looking at eight to ten on that Babe Devon mess.
And that's if she doesn't die.
You think I'm guilty.
Nah, just a lying sack of shit whose luck has run out.
That dipshit is not my brother! -Prove it.
-Fine! Fine.
Fine! It's beautiful.
Mother and child reunion.
Ä°t's like Constantinople, man.
The tarnished Madonna and her only son.
My mother is the last person in the world I want to see.
For the road.
This stuff will make you go blind.
Hey, you should CSI her ass, you know? Get a DNA sample, fingernail clipping, scrape her tongue, bone marrow.
Yeah, I'll get right on that.
JOSH: Cool.
MAN: Hey.
What do you think? Huh? Look, I got a map and a first-aid kit, a flashlight, a travel light.
He gets to go? You think I'm going to leave him here to sell more cars? Cool your jets.
I'll be right there.
Yeah! Not fair, man.
And what do I tell your old man? I don't care.
Just make something up.
And keep an eye on the place while I'm gone, capisce? We'll see who the real fucking Fitz is.
[Engine turns over.]
LARRY: Careful.
Oh, hey, Au.
I just finished fingering your mother.
Excuse me? I needed your mother's fingerprints to compare them to evidence I found at the crime scene.
Forensics badge.
Impressive, I know.
Don't you have some kind of troop meeting to attend or maybe some cookies to sell? I've gone rogue.
They were uncomfortable with my progressive leadership views.
Want to see my evidence? Um, I thought that I was clear with you that the law will handle this.
What evidence? You said you needed to prove that Dick Fitz was behind the wheel.
Here's the wheel.
Please tell me that you did not remove evidence from a secure crime scene.
I checked.
Your mother's fingerprints are not on it.
So, she wasn't driving the car? Well, we still have to prove that Richard Fitzpatrick was.
Do you want me to go to the dealership and get his fingerprints? Let me make myself clear.
I am in no way suggesting that you go down to Fitzpatrick Motors with your fingerprint kit and take some latents from something in Richard's office.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Because it is completely beyond my purview to point out that it must be something that only he would touch, like a cellphone, personalized mug.
Would his keyboard work? I would not condone that in the slightest.
Say no more.
[Sighs.]
Oh, I'm so going to hell.
[GPS speaking Japanese .]
Will you turn that thing off? If you want me to drive, I need the GPS.
Ä°t's in fucking Chinese! No, it's Japanese.
-Some shit no one understands.
-LARRY: We speak a little.
Remember Suki from Nagoya? -No.
-No? Well, it was on sale, and we don't want to get lost on the way to Mother's, so She's not your mother.
Richard, you know that she's your mother.
She's my mother, too.
Oh, I should call Ken, make sure he's loading up on B12.
He doesn't have a heart condition, you moron.
He's doing this to get disability insurance.
Ä°t's a scam, just like you telling him that you're my brother.
I never said I was your brother, okay? I am your conscience.
Will you stop saying that, you crazy fuck? Ä°t's your destiny that I, the last good sliver of your soul, have become manifest in order to save you from the slow, horrid descent into permanent moral decrepitude.
Ah! [Tires screech, GPS speaking Japanese.]
Get out, you lying, balding sack of shit.
But Richard, your license is suspended.
Oh! And you're on parole.
What if your rehab counselor finds out -- Fuck him.
Look, Richard, dealing with your abandonment issues by forcibly abandoning others is not going to solve this.
Oh, geez.
You broke the GPS! You can't leave me here.
[Engine turns over.]
What would Mom say? [Tires screech.]
Richard! I love you! [GPS speaking Japanese .]
Where the fuck is everybody? I got tin out there growing roots and no salesmen to sell it.
I'm here.
I can sell it.
You can't sell shit.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, when I took this job, you promised to give me a real shot.
[Ken sighs .]
I can do more than just answer phones, you know? You're right.
Clean the fridge.
It fucking stinks like a Persian cooze in there.
[Sighs.]
Whoa! This shit's good.
[Coughing.]
Whoa.
Ahhhh! Whoo.
[Chuckles.]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Well, hello, stranger.
Ä°t's me, Mom, your son.
Oh, we're playing the Mommy game? I'll be your Mommy.
And I'll be your son, Richard.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Oh, it's you.
Well, don't get all teary.
Your old man send you over or what? No.
I was just in the neighborhood.
I got a guy who owes me for a Jag.
Real sucker, too: paid five over book.
Plus, I thought maybe we could catch up.
Well, I have a little, uh, shindig happening here.
Meeting of the classic car club, you know.
How long is it going to take? Well, that depends, Mom.
Don't call me that.
[Dinging.]
Fucking sausage rolls.
Just stay right here, okay? Stay right here.
MAN: He was a pussy.
Have you ever tried to watch him skate? He didn't have to skate! He had that beautiful hair! Who needs to know how to skate when you got hair like that? I could tell you -- Oh, look, look, look, look! Hey, slow down.
MAN: Hey, son.
Sittler or Salming? Uh, Palmateer? Huh? Good point.
Hop on board.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, you are not supposed to be in here.
Fitzy's going to be back any second.
Please, he's probably at that dumpy bar in the strip mall.
Past noon.
He'll be out of commission for the rest of the day.
Actually, he's out on assignment.
Oh, even better.
I was a commando.
Don't make me use force.
I survived my stepfather, I can survive you.
I got to protect Fitzy.
He's my guy, you know.
A guy's got to do what a guy's got to do to protect his other guy.
Well, good luck with that.
You can barely see straight.
All right, you know, that's -- it -- That's allergies.
You got to go.
Gotta go.
Or it's chronic drug abuse, which leads to momentary lapses in judgment, inappropriate behavior [Door closing .]
transgressive actions.
I like your badges.
I'm only 15.
[Shutter clicks .]
-Thank you.
-Hey! I have all the evidence I need.
Now, you won't say squat, not unless the idea of statutory rape turns you on.
So, this is how it's going to go down: I say "Jump," you say "How high?" Smell it.
-Huh? -Smell it! Maybe it was rambunctious neighborhood children.
Do not be fooled, cousin.
This atrocity can only be the work of those Fitzpatrick dogs.
I believe you're right.
I know how you can get back at them.
Oh, look, cousin, the Fitzes have sent us their concubine.
I want you to hire me.
I now know that the Fitzpatricks will never let me sell a oar.
All they ever let me do is answer the phone.
You want to answer our phone? I want you to make me a salesman.
A salesman? But this is impossible.
You have no penis.
A salesperson.
This -- This is more Fitzpatrick trickery, huh? This is just an attempt on their part to plant a spy in our midst.
On the other hand, Fitz and the gangly one are nowhere in sight for hours at a time.
If we hire her, they will have no salesmen.
If they have no salesmen, there will be no car sales.
I'm not following your logic.
An oasis with no water is simply desert.
Ah! Okay, we accept your offer.
You may work for us.
Yes! Um, uh, thank you.
You, um, won't regret it.
As long as you stop this dressing like a whore.
Yes, we would never want to exploit your large North American breasts.
Right.
Up here.
Hmm? Okay.
Okay.
Congratulations.
LARRY: Richard is not a bad person, you guys.
He's a little confused, uh, and sex addicted.
And with so many substance abuse issues, it's hard to know when the shakes end and the hangovers begin, you know? A man can't heal his soul if there is bad blood with his mom.
Okay, now, if this backfires, Richard will not be able to handle the rejection alone.
You guys he needs me.
A man's got nothing but an enlarged prostate gland without teammates to watch his back.
Damn the torpedoes.
We're coming for you, Richard.
Right on! -MAN #1: Right on! -MAN #2: Yeah, yeah! So, how do you know Elaine? We go way back.
[Glass clinks.]
You into the lifestyle? I'm the best, a chip off the old block.
Oh! Patented secret: Nine steps, ten if you're in the know.
As long as it's not 12.
You got that right.
[Chuckles.]
Mine's the Honda Accord.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
-You looking to trade up? -What did you have in mind? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm just getting going.
Mm-hmm.
My sentiments exactly.
I just got here.
-And now it's time for you to leave.
-No, no, no.
We've got business to discuss, family business.
You want to talk business, you call my office.
A tip: Your grandfather had cirrhosis, and he didn't make it past 40.
How is that supposed to be my prob-- OW! Oh, thank God you're okay.
We're getting married.
Can we talk about the car? [Gasps.]
Excuse me.
[Panting.]
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I have something to say.
-Fuck off.
-Are you okay? Do I need to call 911? Mr.
Fitzpatrick? Fuck me.
And fuck you, Mom! [Brakes squeal.]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Hey, Richard.
Oh, wonderful.
There you are.
Did you patch things up with Mother? Go ask her yourself, Bro.
Hey, wait, where are you going? Home, to sell some cars.
[Sighs.]
Look, you need to know your mother's abandonment of you was not your fault.
Don't you tell me what I need.
Look, Richard, please.
Help me help you.
Get out of my life, motherfucker.
Look, you want me gone, right? But you need to heal first.
And she may not know it yet, but Mama needs some healing, too.
You can do it, Fitz! [Cheering.]
We can do this.
They're still out there, like Starfish.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I have something to say.
You've got to do something for me.
No, I don't.
I don't have to do anything for you, and that's because I don't work here anymore.
I don't have a problem with the gays.
I just can't sell to them.
They make me nervous.
Don't ask me why.
Don't ask, don't tell.
That couple? Go on, close the deal.
Me? Use the steps.
Sell the fucking car! Okay, step one, personality.
Step seven, imagination.
And I'm not Persian, so I've got step three.
Hello! Um, this is a fine quality coupe Uh-huh.
perfect for all of your vehicular needs.
Yeah, we like it already.
Let's sign.
Oh, yeah! [indistinct conversations, laughter.]
Oh.
Meeting of the classic car club, huh? Well, one thing us Fitzes always knew how to do was throw a party.
Ring-a-ding-ding, baby.
Time to fit in.
-it's cold.
-Don't touch me.
Here you go.
Oh, Jack.
I am dying to wax your gear stick.
Richard, this makes me very uncomfortable.
Good evening.
Richard, this is not the way to deal with your issues.
Use your words.
-ELAINE: Mmm.
-Oh, yeah.
Stop, Richard.
-ELAINE: Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
-LARRY: That's your mother.
Do we have a visitor? I told you to leave.
Not without a little DNA action.
Me first.
Who are these guys? This will finally prove to Ken that there's not another kid.
What other kid? Yeah, there's a little confusion on the maternity front.
You see, somehow Ken got it in his head that I am your love child with Dale from Parts.
-Somehow.
-That's your son? How old are you? Get out.
No, not until you tell Richard you love him, and the fact that you went on a decades-long wild sexual rampage was not his fault.
ELAINE: Love? He blew up my house when he was 7.
He pawned his Grandma's cancer meds and then drove to Las Vegas in my car.
My car, the best thing to ever come out of that hellish mistake of a marriage.
And, no, I never had another kid.
And, frankly, I'm really sorry I ever had you.
You think I'm so bad, Mom? Then why am I the top salesman in the general metropolitan area, huh? I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm the best.
I've got personality.
I've got brains.
I've got imagination.
I smell good.
And people like me.
Yeah.
[ Laughs .]
I wrote that schtick.
The nine steps.
Classic.
I don't care how much tin you sling, baby.
You got the bad Fitz blood in you.
And people can't change.
Oh, yeah? Just watch us, lady.
Richard, I believe it's time to blow.
As in "get out of here" blow.
I got your fucking hair.
He's got your hair.
[Sighs.]
[ Instrumental "Free Bird" plays.]
Ah, Ms.
Sonja, come inside.
Our toilets aren't cleaning themselves, you know? You know what? I sold a car.
Ken Fitzpatrick believes in me.
In his mean-spirited and completely sexist way, he cares.
Because you know why? There is a step 11: Perseverance.
And steps 12 and 13: Big North American breasts! [Scoffs.]
Hmph! I believe step 12 is bigger than step 13.
[Vacuum revs.]
[Engine turns over.]
[Tires screech.]
[Engine revs.]
Richard, wait! Mom was wearing a wig! The DNA sample proves nothing! [Screeching continues .]
I love you!
I bet you sell your first car today.
You ain't selling jack shit unless you know the nine steps.
Aren't there 12 steps? If you're a drunken loser.
Ah.
Step one: Personality.
-Notes.
-Right.
No one's going to cough up eight large and change for the used cruise with Mr.
Boring.
And if you want personality, you might want to rethink that suit, toots.
Looking good: That's step two.
You got to smell good: Step three.
You got to stand up tall.
That's four, baby, four.
And you want to pay attention to step five.
It doesn't matter what the hell you're wearing.
You're never going to make it in this business unless you got it going on up here.
Botox.
I'm not judging.
Brains, moron.
You think any monkey can sell cars? A good salesman's got to be alert.
You've got to have imagination: Seven.
And he's got to have a keen fucking sense of observation.
That's nine, baby, nine.
I'm sorry.
I think we're on eight.
That's right.
I was just testing you kids because nine is a personal favorite of mine.
A good salesman's got to be able to make friends -Hi.
-Hi.
FITZ: and get along.
WOMAN: Fuck me, Fitz! FITZ: Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
WOMAN: I fucking love this car! Now, there's also a tenth step not many people know about.
Ä°t's kind of my secret weapon.
You will never be at the top of your game unless you have the killer instinct.
Anyone, and I mean anyone, gets in the way of you being numero uno, you mow that fucker down like a used piece of jet trash.
Piece of MAN: Help! Somebody call 911! Oh, my God! Sir? Hang on, Mr.
F.
! I'm coming! [Panting.]
'Cause there's only room at the top for one.
MAN: Oh, no! LARRY: Hang in there! I know cardiopulmonary That's what I'm talking about.
KEN: Larry, get off me! [Whistles.]
Oh.
[Clears throat, sniffs.]
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life could be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, good, you're alive.
Take more than a heart attack to kill Ken Fitz.
It wasn't your heart.
You had a panic attack because you had to talk to a gay.
I had a heart attack! -You need more O2, boss.
-Get the fuck away from me! And don't forget, estate lawyer at 3:00.
LARRY: Estate lawyer.
You've got it, sir.
In my day, faggots didn't come out until after dark.
Wait a minute.
What? Estate lawyer? How can I put the kid in my estate if I don't talk to an estate lawyer, dummy.
You're putting Larry in your will? He saved my life.
You had a panic attack.
He outsold you two-to-one last week.
He had me locked up in rehab! So? Drunks don't drive? You're actually being taken in by this fucking lunatic.
That's no way to talk about your brother.
First, you're my conscience, now you're my brother? I'll go get some biscotti.
Kid says he's got the same mother as you, and I believe him.
I think I would know if I had a brother.
KEN: Not necessarily.
Your mother never came clean about it, but I know that's why she left, the first time.
All the signs were there: mood swings, hard-on for Ben and Jerry's, huge tits.
She got knocked up by a putz named Dale in Parts.
Yeah, but even if that was true, he's not your kid.
Why put him in your will? I need someone here I can trust.
And you're looking at eight to ten on that Babe Devon mess.
And that's if she doesn't die.
You think I'm guilty.
Nah, just a lying sack of shit whose luck has run out.
That dipshit is not my brother! -Prove it.
-Fine! Fine.
Fine! It's beautiful.
Mother and child reunion.
Ä°t's like Constantinople, man.
The tarnished Madonna and her only son.
My mother is the last person in the world I want to see.
For the road.
This stuff will make you go blind.
Hey, you should CSI her ass, you know? Get a DNA sample, fingernail clipping, scrape her tongue, bone marrow.
Yeah, I'll get right on that.
JOSH: Cool.
MAN: Hey.
What do you think? Huh? Look, I got a map and a first-aid kit, a flashlight, a travel light.
He gets to go? You think I'm going to leave him here to sell more cars? Cool your jets.
I'll be right there.
Yeah! Not fair, man.
And what do I tell your old man? I don't care.
Just make something up.
And keep an eye on the place while I'm gone, capisce? We'll see who the real fucking Fitz is.
[Engine turns over.]
LARRY: Careful.
Oh, hey, Au.
I just finished fingering your mother.
Excuse me? I needed your mother's fingerprints to compare them to evidence I found at the crime scene.
Forensics badge.
Impressive, I know.
Don't you have some kind of troop meeting to attend or maybe some cookies to sell? I've gone rogue.
They were uncomfortable with my progressive leadership views.
Want to see my evidence? Um, I thought that I was clear with you that the law will handle this.
What evidence? You said you needed to prove that Dick Fitz was behind the wheel.
Here's the wheel.
Please tell me that you did not remove evidence from a secure crime scene.
I checked.
Your mother's fingerprints are not on it.
So, she wasn't driving the car? Well, we still have to prove that Richard Fitzpatrick was.
Do you want me to go to the dealership and get his fingerprints? Let me make myself clear.
I am in no way suggesting that you go down to Fitzpatrick Motors with your fingerprint kit and take some latents from something in Richard's office.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Because it is completely beyond my purview to point out that it must be something that only he would touch, like a cellphone, personalized mug.
Would his keyboard work? I would not condone that in the slightest.
Say no more.
[Sighs.]
Oh, I'm so going to hell.
[GPS speaking Japanese .]
Will you turn that thing off? If you want me to drive, I need the GPS.
Ä°t's in fucking Chinese! No, it's Japanese.
-Some shit no one understands.
-LARRY: We speak a little.
Remember Suki from Nagoya? -No.
-No? Well, it was on sale, and we don't want to get lost on the way to Mother's, so She's not your mother.
Richard, you know that she's your mother.
She's my mother, too.
Oh, I should call Ken, make sure he's loading up on B12.
He doesn't have a heart condition, you moron.
He's doing this to get disability insurance.
Ä°t's a scam, just like you telling him that you're my brother.
I never said I was your brother, okay? I am your conscience.
Will you stop saying that, you crazy fuck? Ä°t's your destiny that I, the last good sliver of your soul, have become manifest in order to save you from the slow, horrid descent into permanent moral decrepitude.
Ah! [Tires screech, GPS speaking Japanese.]
Get out, you lying, balding sack of shit.
But Richard, your license is suspended.
Oh! And you're on parole.
What if your rehab counselor finds out -- Fuck him.
Look, Richard, dealing with your abandonment issues by forcibly abandoning others is not going to solve this.
Oh, geez.
You broke the GPS! You can't leave me here.
[Engine turns over.]
What would Mom say? [Tires screech.]
Richard! I love you! [GPS speaking Japanese .]
Where the fuck is everybody? I got tin out there growing roots and no salesmen to sell it.
I'm here.
I can sell it.
You can't sell shit.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, when I took this job, you promised to give me a real shot.
[Ken sighs .]
I can do more than just answer phones, you know? You're right.
Clean the fridge.
It fucking stinks like a Persian cooze in there.
[Sighs.]
Whoa! This shit's good.
[Coughing.]
Whoa.
Ahhhh! Whoo.
[Chuckles.]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Well, hello, stranger.
Ä°t's me, Mom, your son.
Oh, we're playing the Mommy game? I'll be your Mommy.
And I'll be your son, Richard.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Oh, it's you.
Well, don't get all teary.
Your old man send you over or what? No.
I was just in the neighborhood.
I got a guy who owes me for a Jag.
Real sucker, too: paid five over book.
Plus, I thought maybe we could catch up.
Well, I have a little, uh, shindig happening here.
Meeting of the classic car club, you know.
How long is it going to take? Well, that depends, Mom.
Don't call me that.
[Dinging.]
Fucking sausage rolls.
Just stay right here, okay? Stay right here.
MAN: He was a pussy.
Have you ever tried to watch him skate? He didn't have to skate! He had that beautiful hair! Who needs to know how to skate when you got hair like that? I could tell you -- Oh, look, look, look, look! Hey, slow down.
MAN: Hey, son.
Sittler or Salming? Uh, Palmateer? Huh? Good point.
Hop on board.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, you are not supposed to be in here.
Fitzy's going to be back any second.
Please, he's probably at that dumpy bar in the strip mall.
Past noon.
He'll be out of commission for the rest of the day.
Actually, he's out on assignment.
Oh, even better.
I was a commando.
Don't make me use force.
I survived my stepfather, I can survive you.
I got to protect Fitzy.
He's my guy, you know.
A guy's got to do what a guy's got to do to protect his other guy.
Well, good luck with that.
You can barely see straight.
All right, you know, that's -- it -- That's allergies.
You got to go.
Gotta go.
Or it's chronic drug abuse, which leads to momentary lapses in judgment, inappropriate behavior [Door closing .]
transgressive actions.
I like your badges.
I'm only 15.
[Shutter clicks .]
-Thank you.
-Hey! I have all the evidence I need.
Now, you won't say squat, not unless the idea of statutory rape turns you on.
So, this is how it's going to go down: I say "Jump," you say "How high?" Smell it.
-Huh? -Smell it! Maybe it was rambunctious neighborhood children.
Do not be fooled, cousin.
This atrocity can only be the work of those Fitzpatrick dogs.
I believe you're right.
I know how you can get back at them.
Oh, look, cousin, the Fitzes have sent us their concubine.
I want you to hire me.
I now know that the Fitzpatricks will never let me sell a oar.
All they ever let me do is answer the phone.
You want to answer our phone? I want you to make me a salesman.
A salesman? But this is impossible.
You have no penis.
A salesperson.
This -- This is more Fitzpatrick trickery, huh? This is just an attempt on their part to plant a spy in our midst.
On the other hand, Fitz and the gangly one are nowhere in sight for hours at a time.
If we hire her, they will have no salesmen.
If they have no salesmen, there will be no car sales.
I'm not following your logic.
An oasis with no water is simply desert.
Ah! Okay, we accept your offer.
You may work for us.
Yes! Um, uh, thank you.
You, um, won't regret it.
As long as you stop this dressing like a whore.
Yes, we would never want to exploit your large North American breasts.
Right.
Up here.
Hmm? Okay.
Okay.
Congratulations.
LARRY: Richard is not a bad person, you guys.
He's a little confused, uh, and sex addicted.
And with so many substance abuse issues, it's hard to know when the shakes end and the hangovers begin, you know? A man can't heal his soul if there is bad blood with his mom.
Okay, now, if this backfires, Richard will not be able to handle the rejection alone.
You guys he needs me.
A man's got nothing but an enlarged prostate gland without teammates to watch his back.
Damn the torpedoes.
We're coming for you, Richard.
Right on! -MAN #1: Right on! -MAN #2: Yeah, yeah! So, how do you know Elaine? We go way back.
[Glass clinks.]
You into the lifestyle? I'm the best, a chip off the old block.
Oh! Patented secret: Nine steps, ten if you're in the know.
As long as it's not 12.
You got that right.
[Chuckles.]
Mine's the Honda Accord.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
-You looking to trade up? -What did you have in mind? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm just getting going.
Mm-hmm.
My sentiments exactly.
I just got here.
-And now it's time for you to leave.
-No, no, no.
We've got business to discuss, family business.
You want to talk business, you call my office.
A tip: Your grandfather had cirrhosis, and he didn't make it past 40.
How is that supposed to be my prob-- OW! Oh, thank God you're okay.
We're getting married.
Can we talk about the car? [Gasps.]
Excuse me.
[Panting.]
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I have something to say.
-Fuck off.
-Are you okay? Do I need to call 911? Mr.
Fitzpatrick? Fuck me.
And fuck you, Mom! [Brakes squeal.]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Hey, Richard.
Oh, wonderful.
There you are.
Did you patch things up with Mother? Go ask her yourself, Bro.
Hey, wait, where are you going? Home, to sell some cars.
[Sighs.]
Look, you need to know your mother's abandonment of you was not your fault.
Don't you tell me what I need.
Look, Richard, please.
Help me help you.
Get out of my life, motherfucker.
Look, you want me gone, right? But you need to heal first.
And she may not know it yet, but Mama needs some healing, too.
You can do it, Fitz! [Cheering.]
We can do this.
They're still out there, like Starfish.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I have something to say.
You've got to do something for me.
No, I don't.
I don't have to do anything for you, and that's because I don't work here anymore.
I don't have a problem with the gays.
I just can't sell to them.
They make me nervous.
Don't ask me why.
Don't ask, don't tell.
That couple? Go on, close the deal.
Me? Use the steps.
Sell the fucking car! Okay, step one, personality.
Step seven, imagination.
And I'm not Persian, so I've got step three.
Hello! Um, this is a fine quality coupe Uh-huh.
perfect for all of your vehicular needs.
Yeah, we like it already.
Let's sign.
Oh, yeah! [indistinct conversations, laughter.]
Oh.
Meeting of the classic car club, huh? Well, one thing us Fitzes always knew how to do was throw a party.
Ring-a-ding-ding, baby.
Time to fit in.
-it's cold.
-Don't touch me.
Here you go.
Oh, Jack.
I am dying to wax your gear stick.
Richard, this makes me very uncomfortable.
Good evening.
Richard, this is not the way to deal with your issues.
Use your words.
-ELAINE: Mmm.
-Oh, yeah.
Stop, Richard.
-ELAINE: Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
-LARRY: That's your mother.
Do we have a visitor? I told you to leave.
Not without a little DNA action.
Me first.
Who are these guys? This will finally prove to Ken that there's not another kid.
What other kid? Yeah, there's a little confusion on the maternity front.
You see, somehow Ken got it in his head that I am your love child with Dale from Parts.
-Somehow.
-That's your son? How old are you? Get out.
No, not until you tell Richard you love him, and the fact that you went on a decades-long wild sexual rampage was not his fault.
ELAINE: Love? He blew up my house when he was 7.
He pawned his Grandma's cancer meds and then drove to Las Vegas in my car.
My car, the best thing to ever come out of that hellish mistake of a marriage.
And, no, I never had another kid.
And, frankly, I'm really sorry I ever had you.
You think I'm so bad, Mom? Then why am I the top salesman in the general metropolitan area, huh? I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm the best.
I've got personality.
I've got brains.
I've got imagination.
I smell good.
And people like me.
Yeah.
[ Laughs .]
I wrote that schtick.
The nine steps.
Classic.
I don't care how much tin you sling, baby.
You got the bad Fitz blood in you.
And people can't change.
Oh, yeah? Just watch us, lady.
Richard, I believe it's time to blow.
As in "get out of here" blow.
I got your fucking hair.
He's got your hair.
[Sighs.]
[ Instrumental "Free Bird" plays.]
Ah, Ms.
Sonja, come inside.
Our toilets aren't cleaning themselves, you know? You know what? I sold a car.
Ken Fitzpatrick believes in me.
In his mean-spirited and completely sexist way, he cares.
Because you know why? There is a step 11: Perseverance.
And steps 12 and 13: Big North American breasts! [Scoffs.]
Hmph! I believe step 12 is bigger than step 13.
[Vacuum revs.]
[Engine turns over.]
[Tires screech.]
[Engine revs.]
Richard, wait! Mom was wearing a wig! The DNA sample proves nothing! [Screeching continues .]
I love you!