Call Your Mother (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[Thudding, rattling]
Whoo! It's the big one!
Oh, my God! It's happening!
Yeah, kind of ruins the mood
when you announce it.
No, no! It's the big one!
It's the big one!
Okay. Here, let's get under the doorway.
Okay. Celia, do not panic, okay?!
If we don't make it out of this, I
Oh.
Oh, I think it's over.
Okay.
Ow! Splinter. Ohh. Oh.
[Rumbling, rattling]
3.6?
Maybe 3.7?
[Keyboard clacking]
Nailed it.
♪
Hey, baby. Does my wound
look infected to you?
Uh, what am I looking at?
This little dot?
Is it smaller than a germ?
If it's not smaller than a germ,
than a germ can get in,
and, Celia, if a germ can
get in, then I can die.
- Oh, my God.
- [Door opens]
- Mom's missing!
- [Door closes]
I went to check on her after the
earthquake, and she wasn't home.
I mean, this is her
first L.A. earthquake.
She's probably on a flight back to Iowa.
Or hiding under somebody's porch.
I think it's best for our relationship
if I never know why this syrup
was on your nightstand.
Mom, you found your way
out from under the porch!
- Ow!
- Mom, what are you doing here?
I came to check on Freddie.
Okay, well, I'm not dead, by the way.
And neither is my phone.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I should've called.
You're just so good in a crisis,
I wasn't worried about you.
She re-wrote the tornado protocol
for her elementary school.
They gave her a plaque.
We told her it was even better
than having friends. Ow!
Mom!
Jackie keeps hitting my wound!
Ugh, you're such a baby.
Oh, yeah? Really? You want to
know what that syrup was for?
'Cause it's nothing babies do.
We're having eggs.
♪
Hey, Mom? Does this look okay to you?
Ooh, can't be too careful.
If it's not smaller than a germ,
a germ can get in.
I'm going to get you a Band-Aid
and some Neosporin.
Freddie, what are you doing?
You already asked me about your
hand, and I said it was fine.
[Scoffs] That doesn't count, Celia,
'cause you're not in the club.
[Laughs]
- Mom and I are not a club.
- [Laughs]
You know, it's ironic
that you're the favorite
when you're also the
one that does the least.
It's like you're rewarded
for being selfish.
I'll bet you didn't even check on Mom.
No. This wasn't even that bad
of an earthquake, Jackie.
The one during quarantine was
way worse, and she was fine.
Mom wasn't here during quarantine.
I know.
That's That's what I'm saying.
What are you saying?
- What are you saying?
- What are you saying?
Mom, were you here during quarantine
and you didn't tell me?
- No.
- Are you lying?
Yes.
In my defense, I asked you if
I could come, and you said no.
So did the CDC!
I said no because you're old
and I wanted to save your life.
Freddie didn't even care if
something happened to you!
It was right at the beginning.
Nobody knew anything.
People were putting Amazon boxes
in the oven. It was madness.
Yeah, I showered with my groceries.
Plus, I had no idea how long
we were going to be inside,
and I wanted to see my kids.
And you made such a stink about
how mad you'd be if I showed up,
it just seemed easier
not to say anything.
So, what did you guys do?
Just sit around and talk about me?
No, we didn't talk about you at all.
Of course not, because Mom
was already with her favorite.
I don't have a favorite.
And we did talk about her, remember?
I said the lady in the
antidepressant commercial
reminded me of Jackie.
Wow. What a win.
No, no, only after she
started taking the pills
and she was learning to tango.
Okay, uh
I am so sick of being the third
wheel in my own family.
If you ever remember my
phone number, don't call me.
♪
You're in Danny's house?
This is a chance for you to
find out if you should date him.
Now go check his nightstand
drawers for anything freaky.
Sharon, stop it!
And keep your voice down.
He's right outside with
the building inspector,
checking for earthquake damage.
Oh. There's someone here.
You're the lady who lives in the back.
Yes. Jean.
And you're Cheryl, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, the ex-wife.
[Gasps] Ooh! The ex-wife!
- Not ex yet.
- Right.
Uh, Danny said I could wait in
here until the inspector's done.
Oh.
She does look like a
mean Natalie Portman.
Cheryl.
Is that Danny? Turn me
around, turn me around!
This is like "The Crown"
with poor people.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm still co-owner of this house.
I came to see if there were any damages.
I'm handling it, Cheryl.
I've got an inspector out there.
I'll send you the report.
Think I'd rather talk
to the inspector myself.
Oh, why? 'Cause I can't be trusted?
Yeah, and now you're all caught up.
Hey, let's all talk to the inspector
and get out of here.
Oh, bring me with you!
Ooh, vaulted ceilings.
Danny, you got a light bulb out!
So
- What are we looking at?
- What are we looking at?
Some damaged cabinets, floorboards.
Uh, a couple pictures
came off the walls.
I see you have a son. Good-looking kid.
I actually have two children,
a son and a daughter.
Really? Just saw pictures of the one.
That's just because my daughter
never wanted to be in pictures.
I always asked.
- I love them equally.
- I'm not that invested.
You're going to have to
do some retrofitting,
and that's going to have to be done
before she can move back in.
DANNY: Oh, come on.
Jean, I'm really sorry about this.
If you like, you could stay
in my daughter's bedroom.
- Our daughter's bedroom.
- Yeah.
No, this is perfect.
I'll stay with Jackie.
W-We're having kind of a thing.
Oh, what kind of thing?
Mother-daughter thing?
Ex-boyfriend thing?
Boss boyfriend thing?
- Bad job thing?
- You know Jackie.
She's got a lot of things right now.
But this one's a mother-daughter thing.
I'm sorry. Well, you'll figure it out.
- I mean, you're such a good mum.
- Oh.
Well, good luck with everything.
♪
Mom, what are you doing here?
Surprise girls' night!
And then a couple other nights.
The earthquake damaged
Danny's guesthouse,
so I'm going to stay here
until it's all fixed.
Do you just not have my phone number?
The earlier one was a misstep.
This is a surprise!
I could have stayed with Freddie,
but I chose you, Jackie.
I chose you.
Really? It had nothing
to do with the fact
that you knew Lane was out of town
and I have an empty bedroom
with a pillow-top mattress?
Honey, I didn't know
Lane was out of town.
I'm here to be with you.
I chose you.
Okay, well I have like a thousand
things to do for work,
so
- Why is everything so wrong?
- Oh, I just moved a couple things.
I got a book about creating better flow.
It's good. I got it at
that nice 7-Eleven.
[Gasps]
Mom, what are you doing here?
I heard what you said this morning
about things not being equal.
I'm here to make things equal.
I thought we could watch movies
- and paint toes
- Okay, Mom,
I love you, but I think our problem
is a little more complicated
than a movie night and pedicures.
But that's just the beginning.
I've got a whole night of
girl-on-girl action planned.
Again, that does not mean
what you think it means.
♪
[Grunts] Great.
My hand is so swollen,
I can't even play video games,
which means I can't work.
Celia, I think a germ got in.
Okay. Okay, let me see.
- Mm. It does look a little red.
- Ooh.
Yeah? Okay. My mom will know what to do.
Freddie, your mom?
Okay, what did I say when we first met?
You were excited 'cause you
thought I was Rachel Maddow.
After that. Remember?
I spent our entire first date
talking about how I wanted
a real relationship.
Yeah. No, I-I-I wanted that, too.
And you are in a real relationship.
With your mother.
Seriously, how are we ever
going to be partners
if you don't even trust me to
handle even the basic stuff?
Okay. Okay. Just tell me what to do.
Really?
Okay. Um
Ooh, I have this pain-reliever salve
with willow bark extract.
It's, like, for real the best.
My bark guy gave it to me,
and he's like the top
bark guy in all of L.A.,
so trust.
Sure don't want that
second-best bark guy.
Call Mother.
♪
[Cellphone rings]
Oh. It's your brother calling.
And I'm not going to pick it up.
It's our time.
So, what should we do?
I'm already doing something.
I'm working.
Back in my day, if you were
sleeping with the boss,
you could take off as much
time as you wanted.
Okay, Mom, I'm happy
to let you crash here,
but this Freddie thing has been
going on our whole lives,
and you're not going
to fix it in one night.
Please, honey, let's just do
one thing that I had planned,
and then you can get
back to work, I promise.
How about this?
I'll paint your toes while you work.
Okay.
- Mom! Stop! That tickles!
- [Laughs]
- Mom!
- Aha! There's a giggle!
[Chuckles]
- Oh! Oh!
- [Gasps] Mom!
Oh, gosh! I'm sorry! I'll clean it up!
Let's reset with a hug.
I don't want a hug!
You've never been comfortable
with affection.
Even as a baby, you
had trouble latching.
Ugh! Good night!
I'm trying to be close to you!
You can't complain about
not getting something
and then run away as
soon as it's offered.
Now hug your mother!
I don't want to!
- [Thud]
- Ohh! Ohh!
- Oh, God. Oh.
- Oh, my God! My toe!
- Oh, I'm so sorry!
- Ah! Ah!
- Oh, gosh!
- Ow! I think it's broken!
Oh, let me get you some new pants,
and I'll drive you to Urgent Care.
You broke my toe and
you're critiquing my outfit?
No, I'm not. It's just
you sat right in the nail polish.
Don't worry, honey. I shine in a crisis.
I was there when you broke
your arm, sprained your ankle,
when you fell down the
stairs in our old house
You were there for all of those.
Do you have Munchausen by proxy?
I think I saw a movie about
you with Patricia Arquette.
Oh, I love her.
Excuse me, my daughter injured
her toe, and she needs help.
- Have her fill out these forms.
- What?
We don't have time. This is urgent.
Yes. This is Urgent Care.
Oh, please.
She thinks I love her
brother more than her,
so I broke into her house
to force my love on her,
but I forced so hard,
I think I broke her toe.
Ma'am, there's no wait.
You'd be back there by now
if you just filled out this form.
I'll fill out the forms.
You know, that's the
problem with this country.
Medical bureaucracy putting
paperwork over people.
My daughter's in pain,
- and we don't have time for this
- I'm done.
I'll take you back. You can
have one person with you.
I'll go with her.
Mm, no, thank you.
♪
What's going on? Who's this guy?
He's my handyman.
I told you I was gonna
do the work myself.
And then I laughed and called Chad.
I don't need any help, thanks.
I know what I'm doing.
Manual saw, huh? Eh, I get it.
- Lot of guys are scared of the power.
- [Saw blade whirs]
[Grunts]
Ooh, boy. [Grunts]
The, uh, bottom layer
wicks the moisture, so
So, uh, do you do a lot of repair work?
Well, I'm a therapist, so,
uh, mainly repair psyches,
relationships, self-image.
Kind of an architect of the soul.
- [Clicks tongue]
- [Laughs]
Dude, I am way not
brainy enough for that.
[Both laugh]
That's probably why my thing with Cheryl
will never be anything
more than physical.
Ah
So, Chad seems great.
- Mm.
- He's your new boyfriend?
Calm down. It's just sex.
It's not like I think he's a great dad.
Yeah, that's 'cause he probably
still lives with his dad.
Oh, how embarrassing for you
that you're so easily threatened.
Ha, ha, ha.
You know, just to show you
how non-threatened I am,
I'm going to make
conversation with the guy.
Chad, is it? Chad? Makes sense.
So, uh Chad the handyman.
Bet all the, uh the hammering
and the wood and stuff,
bet that really helps for
what you got going on there.
- [Both chuckle]
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I still make time for a workout.
Oh, yeah? What's that look like?
It's nothing crazy.
I wake up around 4:00,
run through my Gladiator workout,
down an Afterburn breakfast shake,
do a 7-mile trail scramble
Wow, good for you. That sounds great.
Some people might think
that that much exercise
masks a deeper insecurity.
- They do?
- CHERYL: What are you doing?
- What are you saying to him?
- Nothing. We're just bonding.
- Right, Chad?
- [Chuckles] I don't know.
[Chuckles]
I mean, it's it's just
my opinion, but, uh
I'd say dating an older woman
is probably making up
for the emotional closeness
you lacked with your mother.
Dad always wanted you to
be a tough guy like him.
I mean, that must have been lonely.
Until the day you discovered
that chocolate can replace love.
Then all of a sudden,
you're being raised
by Mr. Goodbar and Lady Godiva.
Why are you still talking to him?
But the, uh the chubby kid
doesn't exactly disappear
with the weight, now, does he, Chad?
[Voice breaking] They used
to call me Chaddy the Fatty.
Hey, hey. Kids can be cruel.
No, my parents!
[Imitates gunshots, blows]
- [Nail gun fires]
- Aah!
[Gasps] Why?!
What have you done?
♪
Um I need a doctor!
I parked behind an ambulance,
so if anybody needs to get out
- Freddie!
- Mom!
- W-Why didn't you call me back?
- I was bonding with your sister.
- You called your mom?
- What happened to your hand?
Celia gave me something for my wound,
and now I can't close my hand.
I just gave him a little willow bark.
- It's nature's aspirin.
- He's allergic to aspirin.
Yes, I'm aware of that now.
My son is in pain!
- Fix his hand!
- Ma'am!
The louder you get,
the less I want to help you.
[Softly] Fix his hand.
I'll get you set up in an exam room.
I have some forms for you.
One of them can come back
with you. Choose wisely.
Um
I mean, Mom knows my medical history,
so she she should probably come.
[Sighs, scoffs]
Mom?
Celia?
Freddie's having an
allergic reaction to bark.
And my mom went to go get me
a teddy bear from the gift shop?
No, she went back there
to take care of Freddie.
And probably see if they
can reattach the cord.
You've gotta be frickin' kidding me!
I'm so triggered right now.
My mom broke my toe.
Oh, really? She must feel terrible.
She must be sitting in the waiting room
wondering how she can make it up to you.
Oh, wait. No, she's not.
Are you still talking to me?
I just can't believe it.
I tell her how I feel,
and then she ditches me for Freddie.
Yeah, well, he's a jerk, too.
You were right.
They totally have a little
club. But you know what?
We should just let them
have their stupid club
and we could have our own club.
Except our club will have cuter clothes,
except for your big shoe and
whatever those pants are.
And we'll exclude them and
we won't ask their advice
and we'll get you a new top.
And hey, we could be each
other's emergency contacts.
I've never had an emergency contact.
But I'm 15 other people's.
Wow. That kind of bums me out.
Is this gonna be a sad club?
The club that I started 'cause
my mom doesn't love me?
- Probably.
- [Sighs]
Wanna go get a drink?
Mm. Actually, I'm on painkillers.
Ooh, perfect. Pop another one,
I'll grab some vodka, and
we'll meet in a happy place.
- Danny?
- Jackie? Is everything okay?
- My mom broke my toe.
- I poisoned Freddie.
I shot Cheryl's boyfriend.
Not my boyfriend. Just sex.
I think I'm blacking out.
♪
[Sighs] Well
this divorce seems to be going
- about as well as our marriage.
- Mm.
[Sighs]
You know, I didn't shoot Chad on
purpose. You know that, right?
But you did make him cry on purpose.
Yes, that was on purpose,
'cause I felt like he was
there to torture me.
Oh, he was.
Kind of like your relationship
with the renter tortures me.
I'm not sleeping with Jean.
I know.
But you are falling for her.
No, I'm [Stammers]
S-She's just a friend.
Oh, come on, Danny.
Our marriage might be over,
but I still know that look.
♪
- [Sighs]
- [Door opens]
Jackie, I can't believe
you just left me there.
Celia, I came out and you were gone.
Well, now you know what it's like
to have someone not be there for you.
Sisterhood of the Emergency Contacts.
[Glasses clink]
Are you drunk?
Why don't you check with your mummy?
Hey.
Baby, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I was just freaked
out about my hand.
I really didn't like being
back there without you.
I want you to be my emergency contact.
Oh. Wow.
Sorry. I promised Jackie.
That's okay, Celia.
No offense, but if it
was a real emergency,
you would be one of the
last people I would call.
That's offensive.
- Unless it was a hair emergency.
- Aw, Jackie.
They gave me an ointment at Urgent Care.
You wanna help put it on me?
It has to go on my moist areas.
[Giggles] I would love that.
Marry her.
- [Smooches]
- [Giggles]
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Well, guess I'll just go to a hotel.
When your kids don't love
you, Marriott Bonvoy does.
- You went back with Freddie.
- What?
You went back to the exam room
with Freddie and not me.
You visited Freddie during
quarantine and not me.
It's always Freddie and not me.
Jackie, I'm running out of ways
to tell you that's not true.
You literally flew to L.A.
when you hadn't heard
from him for like a minute.
It was four days.
And I would've come to L.A.
if I hadn't heard from you.
Yeah, but you'll never not hear from me,
because I show up.
And then when I need you,
you're with Freddie.
Well, how would I know you need me?
You never tell me anything.
You never ask for my help.
The bottom line is, I take care of you,
you take care of Freddie,
and nobody takes care of me.
I asked you if you wanted
me to come back with you
at the Urgent Care, and you said no.
I didn't mean it!
Well, how was I supposed to know
you didn't mean what you meant?
You're really just never gonna get it.
Then help me.
When you said don't come
- during quarantine
- That meant don't come.
Because I was worried about your health.
And when you said don't come
back at the Urgent Care?
I wanted you to come and hold my hand
because I was worried about my health.
Don't you see how that's confusing?
It's not that hard!
I just want to ask you for something
and have you do it,
unless I don't want you to,
in which case ignore me,
but make it so I don't feel ignored.
Now you're just screwing with me.
Oh.
Why can't you be like your brother?
Are you really saying that to me?
I just mean he's easy.
"Mom, fix me a snack.
Mom, I'm tired.
Mom, tickle my forearm
while we watch 'Star Wars'
for the 1,000th time."
Maybe I have focused on Freddie more,
but that's because you always
had your life together.
Not needing me
tends to make me feel not needed.
Well, my life is very much
not together right now.
I know, Jackie. I know.
I may have come to L.A.
because of Freddie,
but I stayed because of you.
And I'll try to get better
at listening for your cues,
but seriously, you got to
make them more obvious.
Ring a bell or something.
Okay.
[Sniffles]
[Sighs]
You wanna watch a movie?
- That would be great.
- [Laughs, sniffles]
[Sighs]
[Music playing on television]
Want me to fix you a snack?
I'm okay. [Chuckles]
Ding ding ding ding ding.
- [Laughs]
- Got it. Snack time.
♪
SHARON: I've been calling
you all afternoon.
- Where have you been?
- Well, you wouldn't believe it.
I had to take Jackie to the hospital.
- Is she dead?
- No!
Then who cares?
Tell me what happened with Danny
and mean Natalie Portman.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's just a little uncomfortable
when she's around.
Of course it is. You're crazy for him.
You need to stop saying
that. He's just a friend.
Jeanie, I've been your
friend since high school.
You've never looked at me like that.
[Scoffs]
I'm still here.
And you're still crazy for him.
Wow! Everybody's got nice
ceilings in California.