Camping (US) (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 WALT JODELL: This is a dream trip.
- Hey! - (LAUGHING) Nina-Joy.
Listen, I know we're not in the greatest place right now Kathryn.
Not now.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Oh hey, let's get on with the itinerary for the day.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) I'm really sorry.
Walk away from me.
(GASPS) Help! Oh, can I see this ring? Wow.
- (MOANS) - (CLATTERING) - Jandice freaks me out.
- It was an accident, honey.
- She's nice.
- She's nice! Isn't this the best day ever, you guys? (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) [SINGING.]
The knitting needles of time There's no reason or no rhyme Let's scoop de doo, let's boop de boo Now every scarf is mine The crocheted hooks of fate It's never too early or too late Let's bop de boo, let's skeedly loo Now make the windows shine [CHEERY FLUTE WHISTLING.]
Ooh, la la loo [MUMBLING UNDER BREATH.]
[GROANS.]
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
[SIGHING.]
Oh, my [WHISPERING.]
I can't believe this.
Oh! [GIGGLING.]
[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
[GRUNTS.]
How was your shower, my sweetheart? [GROANING.]
I didn't even shower.
It was all a ruse so that Nina-Joy and I could have a reckoning.
- A reckoning? - A reckoning.
That's what they call it on "The Real Housewives of Auckland" when two women need to face down their problems.
And that's what I was gonna do, until that horrible woman showed up, took her top off, and started spewing bullcrap.
Try not to be too harsh on Jandice.
I you know, it's It's gonna be pretty hard trying to fit into our little den of thieves here.
We don't know anything about her, yet you're always making excuses for her bizarre behavior.
Pretty curious, Walter.
I'm not I'm not making excuses at all.
I just think she means well.
She has a good heart.
Miguel wouldn't love her otherwise.
"Love her"? I mean, he's known her three weeks.
That's not love.
That's not even lust.
That's obsession.
Obsession never ends without one body 6 feet down.
[SNORING.]
[RASPING.]
[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC.]
[SNORTS, COUGHS.]
Ooh.
Hey, you're up.
When did I eat paper? I think it fell from the tree.
I think there's a I think there's a bird up there, making a nest or something.
A nest of paper? Yeah.
Yeah.
Normally they use twigs.
Seems so odd.
Hmm.
But who am I to say? I've never been a bird.
Oh, you better hurry.
You don't wanna be late meeting the guys.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You're going fishing with Walter and Miguel and George.
Oh.
No fucking way.
But, yes, it says right here: "8:30 a.
m.
, Walter, Miguel, George, and Joe fishing trip, Brown Bear Lake.
" - I - And there's a map.
I can't.
I have to wash my hair.
Try to have an open mind, honey.
Once you meet up with the boys, you'll have a good time.
Look, are are you serious? These guys could care less if I go on this stupid trip.
All right? They're too busy making inside jokes about their college days.
I don't even think they went to college.
I think they're just pretending.
They went to college.
I'm not going.
This is why you shouldn't drink, hon.
You get defensive, and then you go on this deep, depressive spiral.
The boys are not excluding you.
Be nice to them, and they'll be nice to you.
That's now how it works with guys, all right? I just read in "Parade" magazine that modern masculinity is changing and there's more room to express emotion.
Well, my emotion is that I want to drive to a Burger King and use a real toilet.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Ahoy, there, Captain.
Permission to come aboard, sir? Permission granted.
You're the first mate, after all, so - Oh, thank you.
- [LAUGHING.]
Holy shit! - Look at all this gear.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
This is a very professional layout, Walt.
Well, fishing has always been a passion of mine.
Well, I've never actually fished before, but I'm passionate about the idea of fishing.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm passionate about new things, my man.
New things are the latest thing.
- Like eating ass.
- Hoho.
[WHISPERING.]
I eat ass now.
Oh, brother, welcome to the dark side.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I don't eat ass.
What kind of fish they got in this here lake? Uh, we got trout, um, bluegill, crappie, sunfish.
- Great.
- Uh - Some trout.
- Look at these dummies.
[SOFT SPRAYING.]
So nice, you mention it twice.
- [SOFT LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, right, fair enough.
Hey, hey.
Nina-J.
Can I talk to you for a second? Uh-huh.
Um, look, I, uh I wanted to apologize to you for what I said to you at the bar yesterday.
I had a bunch of shots, which we all know is not a good idea for me.
I got loose, got a little drunk.
I'm sorry.
Uh-huh.
I was joke I was joking around.
And I didn't I did not mean to offend you.
But you do understand why I wouldn't appreciate that.
Of course.
I have a bi I have a biracial child.
And I would hate for her to be exposed to that kind of thing.
It can be hard for a teenager to process.
I know firsthand.
Yeah, I know, I know, and I'm just I'm really sorry.
Good.
Good.
Great.
All done.
Good.
All right, uh, look, and would you mind talking to George about this whole thing? He really freaked out at the bar, and he's acting like a lunatic, all right? Wait, what did he say? Huh.
Ask him.
All right.
Ah, here he is.
- Hey.
- Good morning, Mr.
Bond.
What? Your sunglasses, man.
Oh, yeah! Remember "Goldfinger," guys? [IN A SEXY VOICE.]
"My name is Pussy Galore.
" [AS JAMES BOND.]
"You expect me to talk?" "No, Mr.
Bond, I expect you to die.
" - [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Oh, I see.
Yeah, it's funny 'cause it has "pussy" in it; I get it.
We should probably get going.
Westward ho! Follow me, gentlemen.
Hey, Sassy.
You mind if I join you? Of course not.
[MOANS.]
Mmm.
Oh, this sun is so delicious.
Don't you just want to sleep in it? Hmm.
I try to stay out of the sun, or I turn into a freckle farm.
Oh, fuck that.
Honey, you need some color.
I mean, you're practically see-through.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have this great oil.
Ah.
Let's put some of this on you.
Oh, isn't that nice? It's really slippery, but it, like, soaks right in, and it absorbs the sun.
Yeah.
Lovely.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- Let's open you up.
- What are you doing? Just wanna loosen you up.
Just Oh, my God, you are so tight, Carleen.
You've got to let me work on you sometime.
I would loosen this tension right up.
I need to be tense, or I get wobbly.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, let me ask you a question.
Why the fuck is your hair so long? When I was a young girl, I really admired Cher.
Oh, 'cause she fucked Gregg Allman? No, because she was bold and outspoken, and she said exactly what was on her mind, and she didn't seem to care what other people thought of her.
Well, I realized I could never be like her, but my hair could.
Okay, I get it, but do you realize change is really important sometimes? I mean, even Cher has a choppy bob now.
Let's play.
Let me play with it.
I wanna play with this.
[GIGGLING.]
What do you have in here? Oh, no, thank you.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Okay, I get it.
I know change is scary.
Right? It's scary.
I mean, I remember one time I shaved my bush, and I was like, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" But then it was a huge hit, and I really came out of my shell.
Women are being taught to repress their inner strength.
You know, "Be polite.
"Ask before you pick up my child.
"Don't steal from people who fucking deserve it.
Don't make people mad.
" [SCOFFS.]
That seems like good advice.
It's fucking bullshit.
It's tyrannical bullshit, Carleen.
Change is inevitable in life.
I mean, it's like this fucking growing grass.
Does that make sense? I just don't know.
Two words.
Pussy power.
Uh-huh.
[UPBEAT FOLKSY MUSIC.]
Hey, Walt, is there a, uh, is there a cooler with beer in it? Ah, dang it.
No.
I left that back at the site.
I tend to leave the booze for evening pleasure.
Mmm.
Well, I'm really enjoying this, uh, flavored sparkling water.
It's nice and crisp and refreshing.
I bet they are.
I'll have a Coke.
Shaken, not stirred, right? What? Shake shaken, not James Bond.
James Bond doesn't drink Coke.
He drinks martinis.
- No, yeah, I - Ah! There's the confusion.
I know no, no, no.
I know what he drank.
You know what? Maybe we should just stop with the James Bond references altogether.
It's getting kind of confusing who knows what lines, right? Oh, okay.
Just has so many different movies and so many incarnations of Bond, I mean Timothy Dalton, Sean Connery, Roger Moore.
Confusing.
Let's drop it.
Wow.
[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC.]
I don't want to play "I Spy.
" It's boring.
Don't pout, honey.
It makes your face look rounder than it already is.
I wanted to make my dinosaur.
I know you did, but we don't We don't have the supplies for that.
We are doing something special, though.
Mommy's making a gift for her friend Nina-Joy.
Look, "I Spy" is a fun game.
We're gonna play it, and I'll show you.
I'll start, okay? I spy with my little eye something that begins with G.
The grass? Well, the fun of "I spy with my little eye" is having to guess, so if you if you guess right on the first try, it sort of defeats the whole purpose of the game.
But good job.
You won fair and square.
Is it my turn? No, I think you were right.
It is boring.
Mmm.
These are some pretty damn good cookies, I must say.
Mmm.
Mmhmm.
Kathryn baked them for my birthday.
Chocolate chip's the best.
Whoo, the tops.
Nothing better, baby.
You know what's the worst? Oatmeal raisin.
Oh, you're right! It's the goddamn worst.
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHING.]
No, no, no, no, no, they just start out wrong.
You know? Oatmeal? Fucking oatmeal? Who wants oatmeal in a cookie? I barely want oatmeal in my oatmeal! Yeah, and those raisins, they sneak up on you, man.
They're just pretending to be chocolate chips.
They're totally unexpected.
Thanks for nothing, raisins.
Oh, this is happening.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- You got one? - Oh, my God! - You got one? - I got the net, I got the net! Oh, my God! Here we go, here we go! - Get the net, get the net! - Okay, okay! Here.
Here.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, baby! All right, all right, all right.
Okay, lookit, lookit, lookit.
- Yes, he's a beauty, isn't he? - Hold the net, hold the net.
- Oh, my God, such a beauty.
- Oh! I hope you like butter, my friend, 'cause you're gonna be swimming in it at the banquet tonight.
We're on our way now.
Onward ho, boys.
Do as I do.
I told Kathryn we'd bring home plenty of fish for dinner.
Well, she is not gonna be disappointed, brother! And if she is, she'll just rip off our balls and cook those instead.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa.
- What? - Relax.
What what are you doing? I'm sor I thought we were fucking around, I'm sorry.
It was a fucking joke.
It's okay.
Hey.
It's his wife.
It's okay, I get it.
I know.
I know.
Kathryn can be a toughie.
And she likes things done a certain way.
And I know you've all noticed a change in her.
And that's a lot to do with the surgery.
So You know, it's been pretty hard.
On both of us, really.
Medical shit always causes us to see life through a different lens.
Just like when I had my fissure.
We don't have sex.
[EXHALES.]
What? How is that even possible, man? She's built like a bionic fuck leopard.
- Whoa, whoa! - What? A "bionic fuck leopard"? It was an observation.
That's not an appropriate way to refer to the mother of his child.
Yeah, I, uh I suspected as much, but I wasn't really sure.
So, uh how long has it been? We've been trying, you know, on and off.
Uh uh, more off than on, these days, with her latest bout of candida, so I'd say things haven't been flowing Maybe two years? Fuck! God, no! Stop it! Two fucking years? Holy fuck, man.
I don't want to make you feel like a freak, but shit, that is I know, but I Wha-what, you know, what can I do, you know? It's not what I want.
But I can't you can't pin a woman down.
Those days are definitely over.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Wow.
Oh my ha! Yes, yes, yes.
Look at this.
[GASPS.]
So light and loose.
God, I feel liberated just looking at you.
You look like Chrissie Hynde, I swear.
Is it even? Carleen, don't start getting wrapped up in your looks now.
It's so toxic.
Okay, we need to do something about your eyebrows, though.
They're so, like, Audrey Hepburn, but not in a good way.
Oh! Oh Why don't you just tell me a story? Talk to me about something so you can get your mind off the fact that I'm pulling hairs out of your head.
Like, how did you meet Joe? Oh.
Are you sure you want to hear? It's kinda sad.
Oh, my God, please.
I love sad stories.
Well, four years ago, Joe's wife, Ellen, got very sick.
- [SMALL MOAN.]
Oh.
- Leukemia.
And it wasn't long before the doctors realized they couldn't do much for her.
So he decided to bring her home so she could pass near Sol.
That's where I met him.
I was Ellen's hospice nurse.
Oh, my God, I This is too sad, even for me.
Ellen's health deteriorated, and she died.
Joe didn't really cry at the funeral.
He knew she was in a better place.
He's a very spiritual person in his own way.
After the wake, he drove me home, and we sat in his car, and we talked, and then we had sex.
- I-In his car? - Yes.
- Oh.
- I wanted to invite him in, but I had a very high-strung roommate at the time.
Yeah.
Also, I left my keys at the mortuary.
[MURMURS.]
Orvie, what do you think of this? Orvis! [LIGHT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Orvis! Blow your rape whistle if you can hear Mommy! Orvis! Orvis! Orvis Oh, there you are.
Why did you run off like that? And what did I tell you about using Daddy's iPad? [SIGHS.]
Here, come on.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Yeah, so I'd say that, uh, on average, we're doing it, like, three to four times a week.
Really? And that's weekly, not monthly? Yeah, our therapist said that when couples survive an affair, it's pretty normal for them to have an upswing in their sex life, so we've been trying a lot of new shit, and we've been doing some BDSM experimentation Ooh! Type things, and I like it very much.
No, no, trying new things is the key, Walt.
Yeah, Jandice and me, for example, we're in this In this discovery stage emotionally and sexually.
Our physical vibes are so in tune, we can reach climax without Without even touching each other.
Just looking at each other.
We we have no physical contact, we just stare at each other and we both come so hard.
[LAUGHING.]
What's so funny, big guy? [SIGHS.]
Ohh What about Walt? What about Walt? This man, someone you claim is one of your best friends, just told you that he hasn't gotten his dick wet in two years, and all you guys can talk about is the crazy experimental pussy you've been getting? Meanwhile, I make a joke about Kathryn being a ball-buster, and I'm the asshole? - Nobody's calling you an asshole.
- Earlier? I think you were calling me an asshole.
Not that I give a shit.
Oh, you don't give a shit, huh? That's why you're so angry about it? No, you want to know why - I'm so angry? - Yeah.
Because of all your fake ass bullshit.
Your inside jokes, oh, you went to college together, good for you.
You know what I want? I want for all three of you to admit that I am the odd man out, that none of you know anything about me, nor do you care to know anything about me.
I know plenty about you.
I know you love music, you work in the audio industry, you crave beef.
That's all on my Linkedln page, man! Anyone can look that up! All right, how many times have I been to to rehab? Anyone? Anyone? I've been to rehab three times.
First time for two days.
Broke out, ended up at a Motel 6 with a large animal vet I met on the inside who had a problem with ZzzQuil.
Next time it was for six weeks.
Then I broke out, burned my garage down, and went back for 12 weeks.
Whoa, yeah.
How did you burn down your garage? Nobody cares, Miguel! Nobody cares! - I care! - Because nobody asked! Hey, I got a suggestion.
Why don't you put all of that information on your Linkedln page, and then everybody will know about it, huh? You know what, fuck you guys.
I'm fucking I'm out of here.
Wait, Joe, you're just you're just jealous, man.
Yeah, well, at least I know that about myself.
You, however, have your head so far up your own ass, you have no idea how far out of your league Jandice is.
She's gonna drop your limp ass in a week.
So enjoy it while it lasts, Bunny.
"Bunny"? - Why'd you call me Bunny? - You said [LAUGHS.]
You said that you fuck like bunnies.
Right? Well, that's your swell new nickname.
Now I call you Bunny.
Oh, what? - [GRUNTS.]
- Oh [CHUCKLES.]
Dude.
It actually looks pretty cool.
Kind of New Wave.
Pussy power! Oh.
Sorry.
I could do you next.
Give you a cute little dyke haircut.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, yes, you do, Sol.
It's okay.
I once dated a girl named Darby on and off for four years.
She joined a cult, but that sucked.
I never had better orgasms in my life.
Lesbianism is the tits.
[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC.]
The warriors have returned from battle.
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
You want to go for a walk before dinner? I do, actually.
What, were you fighting sharks or something? Hello, my big, hulking hulk of a man.
Hey.
What happened? Jandice.
Hmm.
You look nice.
Oh, thought I heard you.
Could you come inside, please? There's something I want to show you.
Uh-huh.
- What is it? - Okay, well I'm not looking for your explanations, but let's just say I saw your search history, and it's not all lawn mowers and Civil War factoids.
Your son saw this video, Walt.
"Corrupted Pussy"? That was a pop-up on the Hammacher Schlemmer site.
[EXHALES.]
Okay.
[SOFTLY.]
Keep your voice down.
I don't want anyone to hear us.
There's something I want to show you.
I think you're gonna like it.
Oh, God, yeah, I think I am gonna like it.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna like it a lot.
Oh, Kathryn.
Oh, baby.
Wait, wait, wait, what are you doing? Wait, Walter! Walter, Walter! What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? You unbuttoned your blouse! I wanted to show you the necklace I made for Nina-Joy.
I wanted your opinion.
I wanted to know what you thought of my forgiveness offering, I I didn't want to be mounted like a zoo panda.
I apologize.
[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC.]
Put your pants on.
Kathryn Mm-hmm.
What? Are we ever going to fuck? [GRUNTS.]
Uhh! - Oh, God! - [GROANING.]
- [YELPS.]
- Oh.
G-g-g-ohh.
Oh, my God, that was - [SIGHS.]
- Babela.
Oh.
Yeah, baby? Babela.
- Oh.
- I found something today.
Oh.
Oh, you You found the ring.
You found how did you do that? Why did you do that? Does this mean what I think it means? - Huh? - Mm? Am I gonna be a married woman? - Mm, married? - Yeah.
Married! Oh, like every other creep on this planet! Mm-hmm.
I can't believe you.
Oh! Mwah! Oh, my God.
Wow! [GIGGLING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That fish smells wonderful, Walter.
Doesn't it? And to think you all sourced this fish yourselves.
Um, may I have everyone's attention, please? I have an extra special announcement.
Um it's a surprise.
It's a surprise for you.
My friend Nina-Joy.
Oh, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, as many of you know, I've always been very crafts-oriented.
I love just doing little things with other little things, and so Hey, guys! Hey! - Guess what.
- Ww-what? Let's tell them later.
They're having drinks, babe.
I think they're gonna wanna know this.
We're getting married! What? Oh, that's insane.
I know! We spent the whole afternoon together.
You didn't say a word.
Well, I guess congratulations are in order! - Oh, please.
- No, no, it's Well done.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Oh.
[SMOOCHING.]
Thank you, Walt.
Isn't it funny how things work out? I mean, it's the universe.
You just can't fight it.
You know? You can if you try hard enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
I don't know what you're talking about.
I feel my blood is boiling I'm crawling up the wall I smell the fear around us Of when I was 80 feet tall Oh oh oh Hoo hoo hoo Oh oh oh Hoo hoo hoo The horny boys are out You better watch that eye A single sip of poison Killed a kid who wasn't shy Oh oh oh Hoo hoo hoo Oh oh oh Hoo hoo hoo Oh oh oh Hoo hoo hoo Oh oh oh Party is dead! WOMAN: Nina-Joy?! What are you doing here?! It's Walt Jodell's birthday.
- Is Kathryn here? - Bingo.
You need to bring that whole bottle.
JANDICE: Kathryn, you wanna take something? It will help you sleep.
Jandice gave me something.
I'm having a bad reaction.
This is about us and now, you want to play it by ear? This is all happening so fast.
- (LAUGHING) - Kathryn.
This is cozy wine time! Well, I'm wide awake! (LAUGHS) Pass the bottle, man.