Catch-22 (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 CATHCART: For many of you, this Bologna mission will be your last.
There's no other way of telling you that.
Just basic statistics tell us that.
So If any of you should find yourself on the wrong side of the statistics, and at the risk of stating the obvious, I would like to point out that your sacrifice will not have been in vain.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
SOLDIER: Lorenzo, Leonardo! [MEN SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
SOLDIER: Good, right, good.
- MILO: Yossarian! Lovely to see you.
- Hi, Milo.
How's tricks? Good.
Try that soup.
- Gianni.
- GIANNI: Huh? MILO: Give Yossarian a spoonful of that zuppa.
GIANNI: [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
MILO: Wait till you try this.
My God, Milo.
Tell me that's not the best tomato soup you've ever had.
That's the best tomato soup I ever had.
Jesus, those Italians can cook, even the little ones.
I got to go to Wales today.
We got something really special coming from there.
You won't believe it.
Hey, listen.
I have to I have to ask you something.
Anything.
What is it? What would you say if I asked you to put this into that soup? Yossarian, those are laundry flakes.
I don't want to fly Bologna, Milo.
A whole lot of us are gonna die.
Yo-Yo, you tasted this.
It's a masterpiece.
It is, and these are completely tasteless, man.
- I promise you.
- How do you know that? Trust me, I Just trust me.
This enterprise is built on my good name, and it's my job to uphold that name.
Bologna's bad.
It's gonna be really bad.
And if we're sick for a couple days, the 10th Infantry will do the job for us on the ground.
I'm the mess officer, Yo-Yo.
It's a sacred office.
My sacred duty is to keep you fed and well nourished, not to make you grievously ill.
Your sacred duty is to keep us alive.
I'd rather be ill than dead.
- Hey, uh, fellas.
- BOTH: Hey, Yo-Yo.
Dinner tonight is very important.
Don't eat the soup.
- Huh? - What are you talking about? Just don't eat the soup, okay? - KID: Okay.
- NATELY: No soup.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MUSIC STOPS, CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Here's to Clevinger, guys.
ALL: To Clevinger.
- Clevinger.
- NATELY: Poor kid.
Maybe he just kept flying, flew off to Switzerland.
No, Clevinger wouldn't do that, not without telling us.
Well, maybe we'll get a postcard.
[LAUGHS.]
ORR: You want to come to Switzerland with me, Yo-Yo? - Visit Clevinger? - I don't want to joke about Clevinger.
ORR: Okay.
But want to come to Switzerland with me? Believe me, I thought about this.
AWOL isn't the answer, not unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a fugitive.
But it's all academic anyway 'cause you never have enough gas to get anywhere useful.
Well, but let's say you did have enough gas.
Where would you go? Well, it wouldn't be Switzerland.
The Swiss are legally obliged to lock you up.
They're practically Germans.
If you had enough gas, which you don't, your best bet would be to fly straight over Switzerland, head to Sweden.
AARFY: That's what your research told you? Sweden's better than Switzerland.
KID: Oh, why's that? YOSSARIAN: Well, in Sweden, you can swim nude with beautiful girls with voices like honey.
And, uh, you can sire whole happy tribes of illegitimate Yossarians with any number of Swedish women who you don't have to marry, and you can all live in the same house, and we all get along, and the state supplies free child birth, free education, and launches all the little Yossarians into a life without stigma.
Everybody's happy and all my wives love me.
Do they really swim nude? YOSSARIAN: Totally nude, Kid Sampson.
Totally nude.
Sweet dreams tonight.
Oh, boy.
- MAJOR MAJOR: Yossarian? - Hi.
- MAJOR MAJOR: Hi.
- YOSSARIAN: What do we know? MAJOR MAJOR: About what? About the big book you were gonna read? MAJOR MAJOR: What big book? The big book on how I get to go home.
- Oh, that one.
- Yeah, that one.
Not much, and and I can't talk right now.
Why not? What are you doing? What are you doing with your head? I can't talk in front of Cathcart.
YOSSARIAN: He's not listening.
I'm making progress, but I can't talk right now.
YOSSARIAN: What progress? [SIGHS, WHISPERING.]
I can't talk about it now.
Christ.
What progress? [JAZZ MUSIC.]
[MEN GROANING.]
SOLDIER: Holy Christ! [FLATULENCE.]
[CHUCKLING.]
How you boys bearing up? YOSSARIAN: Oh, not so great, Doc.
Hey, uh, there's no way in hell that Bologna's happening tomorrow, right? Oh, Bologna's off.
"Don't eat the soup"! [LAUGHING.]
MCWATT: You know they'll just be sending us straight back up there tomorrow.
You'll thank me one day, McWatt.
How long you think the squirts last? Huh? Couple days at most? We'll be right back up there day after tomorrow, latest.
No, we won't.
10th Infantry is headed to Bologna right now.
They'll clean out those artillery guns for us.
Oh, man, you really don't know how this works.
I saw the charts.
10th is less than two days out.
You really don't know how this works.
YOSSARIAN: I don't know how what works? MCWATT: Everything, Yossarian.
- That's the point.
- What point? - What's your point? - Exactly.
It's all a numbers game, and when your number's up, your number's up.
Screw your numbers, McWatt.
MILO: Hey, Yossarian! Hey! Jump in.
What the hell is this? I picked it up in Wales.
I found a warehouse full.
65 on land, 35 on water.
When the war is done, I ship 'em to Minnesota.
Hey, I got a bone to pick with you.
They're still gonna send you to Bologna.
So what was the point of yesterday? As soon as the men can hold their guts in, you're gonna go back to Bologna.
Yeah, but this time we got ground support.
I got bad news for you, my friend.
Your ground support has been rerouted from the Bologna road to the Argenti road, due to a mass illness on the Pianosa Air Base, but it's gonna be all right, pal.
[BRAKES SQUEALING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I need to see the Major.
- You can't see him right now, sir.
- Well, when can I see him? When he goes out to lunch.
Then you can go right in.
- I'm sorry, say that again? - TOWSER: Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.
So when are you saying I can see him? Pretty much never, sir.
Hey, Major! I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir! - Major! Come - Sir! - Yossarian.
- YOSSARIAN: Hi.
Your man has lost his mind.
Oh, him? He's he's just YOSSARIAN: Oh, God.
Jesus.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
So what's this progress you say you've made? - What progress? - The progress.
You were going through the operations manual, and you told me the other night that you made progress.
I haven't made any progress.
Did you read it? It's very difficult to read.
We can't fly Bologna.
36 planes from other squadrons have already gone down in the last ten days.
It's a B-25 boneyard down there.
Well, you wouldn't be normal if you weren't afraid.
Even the bravest men experience fear.
Let me ask you something.
Why did you join up? Because it was the right thing to do good.
Exactly, and you can do good from right here.
You can save lives from right here.
I-I don't understand exactly what it is that you think I can do.
You're a Major.
You're Major Major Major Major.
- You can just sign things.
- Sign what? - YOSSARIAN: The form.
- What form? The form to stand us down.
To stand you down, why? To stand us down, you know, for unreasonable risk to life and limb.
I don't have the power to stand down a squadron or even a crew.
Then just me.
Stand me down.
Oh, s-suppose everybody felt that way.
Then I'd certainly be a damn fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I? So you want me to stand you down - while your friends fly Bologna? - YOSSARIAN: Why not? It wouldn't be any more or less arbitrary than any other decision that gets made on my behalf.
I'm not afraid of the Germans.
I am afraid of Cathcart deciding that I need to fly more missions.
I'm afraid of the person who decides where the bomb line goes on the map.
Who is that person? And that's what it's come down to for us.
We're afraid of a line on a map.
Do you know what that feels like to be afraid of a piece of string? [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
ORDERLY: Uh, sorry to disturb you, sir.
We've captured Bologna, sir.
What Who's captured Bologna? ORDERLY: I don't know, sir.
I was in the briefing room, sir.
The bomb line is now 60 miles north of Bologna.
Thank you, Private.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Sir.
- [SHUDDERS.]
Sir, it's me, sir Korn.
- What is it, Korn? - I'm sorry to wake you.
But I thought you'd like to know - we captured Bologna.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- When? - Overnight, sir.
The bomb line is now 60 miles north of the city.
- That's goddamn terrific.
- I thought so, too.
Yeah, so should I go ahead and cancel the mission? Of course you should cancel the mission.
We're not gonna bomb our own men, are we? Of course of course not, sir.
Of course not.
NATELY: Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo, wake up now! Hey, you want to hear some news? - The 10th Infantry took Bologna.
- What? NATELY: They fucking took it overnight.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- NATELY: I get to see my girl! - I'm going to Rome! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
MILO: Hey, no le rompete.
Fragile.
Attenti! Attenti! Which one of you is Milo Minderbinder? Oh, hello, Major.
That'd be me.
Oh, Mr.
Lamb Chops.
That's right, sir.
Well, now, why is it, son, that they tell me that all non-combat planes have to be requisitioned through you? Chain of command, sir.
Emanuele, rapido, rapido.
- I need a plane to Bologna.
- Bologna? We have taken Bologna.
I need to go to Bologna.
MILO: We've taken Bologna? Yes, son.
We have taken Bologna.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, baby Shoo, shoo, shoo, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby, do-dah, do-day Your papa's off to the seven seas Don't cry, baby Don't sigh, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby, do-dah, do-day When I come back, we'll live a life of ease YOSSARIAN: I don't understand.
Why don't you just pay for all three and send the other two away? Because then Clara will be angry with me for making her work and paying the others to have the night off.
She says that if I really liked her, then I'd give her the night off and go to bed with one of the others.
And they're $30 each? Yeah, it's, uh, $30.
$30 is a lot of money for pieces like these.
Besides, I've never paid for it in my life.
NATELY: No, you don't understand you don't have to pay for a thing.
I'll pay for all three you guys just need to take the other two so she doesn't get her nose out of joint.
I just don't understand why you why you have to pay for her friends in the first place.
To make her happy! You know, I remember this one time we tricked these two dumb high-school girls into the fraternity.
Made them put out for all the fellas by threatening to call their folks and tell them they were putting out for the fellas.
And what is it, "putting out"? AARFY: Screw, fuck, you know.
Ah, so you you tricked the girls, and you fuck them? Yeah, sure.
It was a bit of fun.
And the girls? They were having fun? AARFY: Yes, of course.
So you made them have fun, yes? Yes? You get a load of this shit? I'm getting lectured by a guy who sells women for a living.
I'm aware of my profession.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
CLARA: Nate-er-ly? Is problem? I-I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Yo-Yo, come on, will you take the other two? Help me out here, man.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[BELL TOLLING.]
DE COVERLEY: My good man.
Would you be kind enough to provide me with the name of the legal owner of this building? I wish to requisition it for the fighting men of the United States of America.
Scusi? Dov'è il ah Ah, proprietario.
The SOLDIER: [SPEAKING GERMAN.]
[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I am.
I try to be.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey.
[REPLIES IN ITALIAN.]
CLARA: Sister.
She's your sister? Sister, sister.
Insects.
Ah, insetti.
Insects.
Gelato I know this word.
- Gelato.
- You want one? YOSSARIAN: Okay, she's up for it.
What's that called? Ice cream.
Rolls off the tongue better than "ice cream," doesn't it? - Finestra, that's window, yeah? - Finestra.
- Finestra.
- With an R, right? Finestra.
Can you say "window"? Try that? - Window.
- Window, yeah.
- Exactly.
- [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
- NATELY: Yeah.
- YOSSARIAN: Yeah.
NATELY: Wha Fuck.
YOSSARIAN: She'll be back, buddy.
NATELY: God damn it.
[ENGINE ROARING.]
Major de Coverley has gone missing, and one of you fuckers is going to prison for it.
I know you're here, and I am going to hunt you down like a jackal, and I'm gonna mount you on my fucking wall! So, if any of you knows anything about my bomb line being moved, now would be the time to speak up! Because I am gonna get to the bottom of this.
You can mark my fucking words, gentlemen.
This is a black eye on the squadron.
A good man has gone missing, presumed captured.
Maybe missing, presumed dead! The person who did it is in this room Right now I can fucking feel it.
Oh, and by the way, we're going back to Bologna.
Mark my fucking words.
And you're going back there, and you are gonna bomb the fuck out of those fuel dumps, and you are going to bomb the fuck out of those antiaircraft guns, and I hope it's fucking bad.
And you'd better hope that you don't bomb wherever it is they're holding Major de Coverley.
And I've got some good news.
I'm raising the mission count from 40 to 45.
Oh, I knew you'd like that.
And as punishment for this act of fucking treason, I'm also raising it from 45 to 50.
[MEN GRUMBLING SOFTLY.]
CATHCART: Oh, do I sense discontent, hmm? Well, look, fellas I'm not an unreasonable man.
What's say we make a deal, hmm? If the repugnant swamp scum that moved my bomb line were to step forward and admit his guilt, I would be willing to lower the mission count from 50 to 45.
Hmm? Effective immediately.
You fucking coward.
Dis-fucking-missed! [INDISTINCT SOFT CHATTER.]
AARFY: All right, that's 45 seconds to run.
45 seconds.
PILOT: It's getting hot up here, fellas.
NATELY: Down there! Just beyond the bridge! There's a whole convoy on that road! AARFY: Yeah, we're coming up on it now.
You all right up there? PILOT: We got you, we got you.
You're okay.
PILOT 2: We're getting hammered! Let's go! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
AARFY: All right, McWatt.
Bring her to 043.
Holding steady at 4,500.
043 at 4,500.
NATELY: Is that it down there? MCWATT: Is that what down there? - Fucking Bologna! - AARFY: No, no, no.
It's still 13 miles to Bologna.
NATELY: Holy shit.
CATHCART: They make it with a pesto sauce.
And the parmesan, oh It is something, let me tell you, Korn.
It is something.
Yes, sir.
- [SIREN WAILING.]
- What in God's green earth is that? What is that? [WAILING CONTINUES, PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
MILO: It's only me.
It's only me.
CAPTAIN: Hands in the air! No, it's okay! These are ours now! - I said, "Hands in the air.
" - MILO: Yes, I understand that.
There's been a crossed wire somewhere.
CAPTAIN: Who are you? I'm Milo! I'm I'm the mess officer.
You know me, Captain.
I feed you.
State your business here.
Business! My business is business.
These are no longer military, these are trade.
CAPTAIN: These are enemy planes.
MILO: Well, technically speaking, that's no longer the case as of today.
This explains, in great detail, that these are syndicate planes now.
- CAPTAIN: What syndicate? - MILO: Our syndicate.
We're all part of the syndicate, even you.
And these are all in order.
I said put your hands in the air! Of course.
Anyway, the Germans are part of the syndicate, too, and so what's happening today is the Germans are contributing three cargo planes to the syndicate.
CAPTAIN: Who are these men? Are they Germans? Well, yes and no.
They're delegates.
They're here today representing the interests of M&M Enterprises.
No, I know what you're gonna say.
Sure, we're at war with the Germans, but the Germans are also members in good standing of the syndicate, and they pay their bills a lot more promptly than a lot of allies of ours I could name.
So it's my job to protect their rights as shareholders, just as I will protect yours as members of the syndicate.
CATHCART: Weapons down! Put your goddamn weapons down! [ENGINE REVS, BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Sir, these are German flyers, and those are German planes.
And you did the right thing, Captain.
Milo, have you got those papers? - Yes, sir.
Can I lower my arms, sir? - CATHCART: Lower your arms.
Have you go the originals and carbon copies? - Yes, sir, they're all right here.
- Korn! Milo, I apologize for not passing the relevant information down the chain of command hence, all this kerfuffle.
As of now, these planes are part of the M&M Enterprise fleet.
MILO: Beautiful.
Follow me, sir.
These planes are a beauty.
They fly like a dream.
Watch your head.
Hey, that's beautiful work, Luca.
Perfetto, grazie! CATHCART: Very nice, Milo.
- Very elegant.
- Thank you, sir.
I think so, too, sir.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
NATELY: 043 at 4,500! 043 at 4,500! - Are you reading me, Yossarian? - PILOT: Hey, can you hear me? PILOT 2: This ain't the time to fuck around, man.
PILOT 3: Yeah, they're really lighting it up.
NATELY: Come on, you getting close? Yo-Yo, what's going on? There's something wrong with the plane! There's something wrong with the [TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP.]
Something's wrong with the plane? What's the matter? There's just something the matter with - [DISTORTED SPEECH.]
- KID: I don't know! Who is that screaming? This is Yossarian in the nose! Yossarian in the nose! Didn't you say there was something the matter KID: I thought you said something was the matter.
Everything seems fine up here.
Everything's all right.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I can't hear you.
KID: I said everything seems all right.
MCWATT: Holding steady, 4,500 feet.
AARFY: Drop those fuckers, Yo-Yo! Let's go! - PILOT: Come on, boys, let's - [TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP.]
I said I still can't hear you! Is anybody there? MCWATT: How close are we? Are we dropping or what? - Hey, I can't hear you.
- What? I can't hear you.
I don't know what you're saying.
- I can't hear you! - I said I can't hear you! I'm shouting as loud as I can! Look, there's something wrong with the intercom! - We have to turn back.
- For an intercom? We're not turning back for a broken intercom.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
Turn back, or I'll break your fucking head! You're kidding, right? I can't do my job if I can't fucking hear you up there! - Yes, you can! - No, I can't! - Yes, you can! - No, I can't! I think we need to pull out, McWatt.
No fucking way! Fine.
Fuck you.
Jesus.
All planes, this is "Yankee Doodle.
" We are pulling out.
We have a technical difficulty here! [EXPLOSIONS.]
Good.
Good.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[TIRES CRUNCH, SCREECH.]
Hey, you know what your problem is? You still think you're going to get out of here.
- And you fly like you don't.
- Exactly.
I fly however the fuck I want.
Sure, fly however the fuck you want.
Just not when I'm in the same plane.
Oh, it doesn't make a goddamn bit of difference how I fly.
You're just a coward.
I'm the bravest fucking man you know.
Okay, do what you got to do.
I mean, I'm not going to tell anyone you pulled those wires.
I mean, I-I'm swell with it.
I mean, it's okay if you're afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm just keeping us alive.
Oh, yeah, you are.
You're afraid.
Oh, Christ, you're ridiculous.
You know the difference between me and you? Me, happy, happy, happy, happy, dead.
You, worry, worry, worry, worry, dead.
Don't drag me into your shit, okay? [AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARS OVERHEAD.]
CHAPLAIN: Sorry about today.
Just when you think you're close to heading home, ten more missions I-I can only imagine how that must feel.
He's a goddamn monster.
To punish the squadron for one man's transgression? I-I'm not a believer in that sort of Old Testament retribution myself.
And was it really a transgression? Well, to knowingly allow your fellow men to be punished for a crime you committed, I-I would say that's a transgression.
YOSSARIAN: But what if the crime wasn't really a crime? Or even if it was a crime, so what? The punishment is irrational.
Should that man be held responsible for the irrationality of the punishment? I would have thought that you of all people would be incensed at the actions of this person.
He's just caused you to fly ten more missions.
I am.
I'm incensed.
Not to mention poor old Major de Coverly.
[SIGHS.]
Was it a prank? An act of sabotage? - [SCOFFS.]
- What if it was an accident? Well, I don't see how it could be an accident.
My understanding is the bomb line is a piece of string.
It doesn't just move on its own.
We don't know that, and Cathcart certainly doesn't.
How do how do we know Cathcart didn't do it himself just to raise the missions, because he's nuts.
He's crazy as a bedbug.
Chaplain, insanity is contagious.
Everybody's crazy except for us.
You and I have to be careful.
We may be the only sane people in the entire world, and we're bullied and insulted and harassed and shoved around all day long by insane people.
And we do our duty, mission after mission 35, 40 then we're told it's not good enough.
And when we object, people like Cathcart tell us any true patriot would be proud to fly as many missions as they're forcing us to fly.
You look at it that way, I don't know if this bomb line guy really did the wrong thing.
I mean You know what I mean? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING IN THE DISTANCE.]
[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
CATHCART: At ease, at ease, sit.
Sit, please, sit.
You did a lot of damage today, boys.
Bravo, we gave them the real what-for.
We lost 12 men 12 damn fine men.
God rest their souls.
But we did a lot of damage.
Aerial photographs are developed.
Bombing patterns are meticulous.
So job well done.
Now, by way of saying thank you of letting you know that your brave efforts do not go unappreciated I have asked Milo, our fine mess officer, to come up with something special for you all.
A personal favorite of mine Baked Alaska.
Haven't had it since before the war.
Come on, boys, bring it in! There you go! There you go, boys.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
CATHCART: Milo, looks great.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
MILO: Veloce, veloce! [CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Goddamn yummy! It's goddamn yummy! Is it not, gentleman? Colonel Korn, what say you? KORN: Yes, sir, it's yummy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Milo, fine job.
Did you not get any? - I say, did you not get any? - NATELY: We did not, sir.
- CATHCART: I can't hear you.
- We did not, sir.
- Do you not want some? - NATELY: No, thank you, sir.
One plane turned back today.
Would the crew of that plane stand up? And who might the pilot of this intrepid ship be? - That'd be me, sir.
- KORN: That's McWatt, sir.
McWatt.
And pray tell, McWatt, what precipitated this urgent need to be back at base? - Broken intercom - Speak up so everybody can hear you.
A broken intercom, sir.
Oh.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Major Major, you've been reading the manual, I believe.
Tell us, in the course of your studies, have you come across a paragraph or a subclause that tells you that a broken intercom is a valid Procedural Termination Mechanism for Mission Abortion? I don't, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
- I haven't necessarily - CATHCART: No, you haven't! Because there isn't one! And I want everyone to take a good look at this table, because at this table, you will see the face of cowardice! And that is not a face that gets Baked Alaska put in it.
[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Hi.
- [GIRLS GIGGLE.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SEAGULLS CRYING.]
[AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARS OVERHEAD.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
It's goddamn McWatt! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- KID: Get out of here, McWatt! AARFY: What the fuck? You piece of shit! McWatt, you fucking maniac! [CHUCKLES.]
Son of a bitch.
Come on, McWatt, let's see what you got.
- AARFY: McWatt, you nut! - What's he doing? - Yeah, get him, Sampson.
- Yeah, Kid, get him! - Come on, Kid, get him.
- NATELY: Here he comes.
- KID: Come on, McWatt! - NATELY: Here he comes! KID: Come on! Let's see what you got! Oh, I see you, motherfucker.
Come on, McWatt.
- That's right, give it to him.
- Kid Sampson, shove it up his ass! - Shove it right up his ass! - KID: Come on! Whoo! [ENGINE ROARING.]
Shove it up his ass! This is going straight up your ass, McWatt! Oh, shit! KID: Whoo! [SOMBER MUSIC.]
Oh.
He got Kid Sampson.
- He got Kid Sampson! - Fuck! Fuck! No, no! Oh, God! [YELLING.]
Oh, no.
[GRUNTS.]
What are you doing, McWatt? [SPITS.]
Happy, happy, happy, happy! Aah! [SOFT MUSIC.]
There's no other way of telling you that.
Just basic statistics tell us that.
So If any of you should find yourself on the wrong side of the statistics, and at the risk of stating the obvious, I would like to point out that your sacrifice will not have been in vain.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
SOLDIER: Lorenzo, Leonardo! [MEN SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
SOLDIER: Good, right, good.
- MILO: Yossarian! Lovely to see you.
- Hi, Milo.
How's tricks? Good.
Try that soup.
- Gianni.
- GIANNI: Huh? MILO: Give Yossarian a spoonful of that zuppa.
GIANNI: [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
MILO: Wait till you try this.
My God, Milo.
Tell me that's not the best tomato soup you've ever had.
That's the best tomato soup I ever had.
Jesus, those Italians can cook, even the little ones.
I got to go to Wales today.
We got something really special coming from there.
You won't believe it.
Hey, listen.
I have to I have to ask you something.
Anything.
What is it? What would you say if I asked you to put this into that soup? Yossarian, those are laundry flakes.
I don't want to fly Bologna, Milo.
A whole lot of us are gonna die.
Yo-Yo, you tasted this.
It's a masterpiece.
It is, and these are completely tasteless, man.
- I promise you.
- How do you know that? Trust me, I Just trust me.
This enterprise is built on my good name, and it's my job to uphold that name.
Bologna's bad.
It's gonna be really bad.
And if we're sick for a couple days, the 10th Infantry will do the job for us on the ground.
I'm the mess officer, Yo-Yo.
It's a sacred office.
My sacred duty is to keep you fed and well nourished, not to make you grievously ill.
Your sacred duty is to keep us alive.
I'd rather be ill than dead.
- Hey, uh, fellas.
- BOTH: Hey, Yo-Yo.
Dinner tonight is very important.
Don't eat the soup.
- Huh? - What are you talking about? Just don't eat the soup, okay? - KID: Okay.
- NATELY: No soup.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MUSIC STOPS, CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Here's to Clevinger, guys.
ALL: To Clevinger.
- Clevinger.
- NATELY: Poor kid.
Maybe he just kept flying, flew off to Switzerland.
No, Clevinger wouldn't do that, not without telling us.
Well, maybe we'll get a postcard.
[LAUGHS.]
ORR: You want to come to Switzerland with me, Yo-Yo? - Visit Clevinger? - I don't want to joke about Clevinger.
ORR: Okay.
But want to come to Switzerland with me? Believe me, I thought about this.
AWOL isn't the answer, not unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a fugitive.
But it's all academic anyway 'cause you never have enough gas to get anywhere useful.
Well, but let's say you did have enough gas.
Where would you go? Well, it wouldn't be Switzerland.
The Swiss are legally obliged to lock you up.
They're practically Germans.
If you had enough gas, which you don't, your best bet would be to fly straight over Switzerland, head to Sweden.
AARFY: That's what your research told you? Sweden's better than Switzerland.
KID: Oh, why's that? YOSSARIAN: Well, in Sweden, you can swim nude with beautiful girls with voices like honey.
And, uh, you can sire whole happy tribes of illegitimate Yossarians with any number of Swedish women who you don't have to marry, and you can all live in the same house, and we all get along, and the state supplies free child birth, free education, and launches all the little Yossarians into a life without stigma.
Everybody's happy and all my wives love me.
Do they really swim nude? YOSSARIAN: Totally nude, Kid Sampson.
Totally nude.
Sweet dreams tonight.
Oh, boy.
- MAJOR MAJOR: Yossarian? - Hi.
- MAJOR MAJOR: Hi.
- YOSSARIAN: What do we know? MAJOR MAJOR: About what? About the big book you were gonna read? MAJOR MAJOR: What big book? The big book on how I get to go home.
- Oh, that one.
- Yeah, that one.
Not much, and and I can't talk right now.
Why not? What are you doing? What are you doing with your head? I can't talk in front of Cathcart.
YOSSARIAN: He's not listening.
I'm making progress, but I can't talk right now.
YOSSARIAN: What progress? [SIGHS, WHISPERING.]
I can't talk about it now.
Christ.
What progress? [JAZZ MUSIC.]
[MEN GROANING.]
SOLDIER: Holy Christ! [FLATULENCE.]
[CHUCKLING.]
How you boys bearing up? YOSSARIAN: Oh, not so great, Doc.
Hey, uh, there's no way in hell that Bologna's happening tomorrow, right? Oh, Bologna's off.
"Don't eat the soup"! [LAUGHING.]
MCWATT: You know they'll just be sending us straight back up there tomorrow.
You'll thank me one day, McWatt.
How long you think the squirts last? Huh? Couple days at most? We'll be right back up there day after tomorrow, latest.
No, we won't.
10th Infantry is headed to Bologna right now.
They'll clean out those artillery guns for us.
Oh, man, you really don't know how this works.
I saw the charts.
10th is less than two days out.
You really don't know how this works.
YOSSARIAN: I don't know how what works? MCWATT: Everything, Yossarian.
- That's the point.
- What point? - What's your point? - Exactly.
It's all a numbers game, and when your number's up, your number's up.
Screw your numbers, McWatt.
MILO: Hey, Yossarian! Hey! Jump in.
What the hell is this? I picked it up in Wales.
I found a warehouse full.
65 on land, 35 on water.
When the war is done, I ship 'em to Minnesota.
Hey, I got a bone to pick with you.
They're still gonna send you to Bologna.
So what was the point of yesterday? As soon as the men can hold their guts in, you're gonna go back to Bologna.
Yeah, but this time we got ground support.
I got bad news for you, my friend.
Your ground support has been rerouted from the Bologna road to the Argenti road, due to a mass illness on the Pianosa Air Base, but it's gonna be all right, pal.
[BRAKES SQUEALING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I need to see the Major.
- You can't see him right now, sir.
- Well, when can I see him? When he goes out to lunch.
Then you can go right in.
- I'm sorry, say that again? - TOWSER: Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.
So when are you saying I can see him? Pretty much never, sir.
Hey, Major! I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir! - Major! Come - Sir! - Yossarian.
- YOSSARIAN: Hi.
Your man has lost his mind.
Oh, him? He's he's just YOSSARIAN: Oh, God.
Jesus.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
So what's this progress you say you've made? - What progress? - The progress.
You were going through the operations manual, and you told me the other night that you made progress.
I haven't made any progress.
Did you read it? It's very difficult to read.
We can't fly Bologna.
36 planes from other squadrons have already gone down in the last ten days.
It's a B-25 boneyard down there.
Well, you wouldn't be normal if you weren't afraid.
Even the bravest men experience fear.
Let me ask you something.
Why did you join up? Because it was the right thing to do good.
Exactly, and you can do good from right here.
You can save lives from right here.
I-I don't understand exactly what it is that you think I can do.
You're a Major.
You're Major Major Major Major.
- You can just sign things.
- Sign what? - YOSSARIAN: The form.
- What form? The form to stand us down.
To stand you down, why? To stand us down, you know, for unreasonable risk to life and limb.
I don't have the power to stand down a squadron or even a crew.
Then just me.
Stand me down.
Oh, s-suppose everybody felt that way.
Then I'd certainly be a damn fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I? So you want me to stand you down - while your friends fly Bologna? - YOSSARIAN: Why not? It wouldn't be any more or less arbitrary than any other decision that gets made on my behalf.
I'm not afraid of the Germans.
I am afraid of Cathcart deciding that I need to fly more missions.
I'm afraid of the person who decides where the bomb line goes on the map.
Who is that person? And that's what it's come down to for us.
We're afraid of a line on a map.
Do you know what that feels like to be afraid of a piece of string? [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
ORDERLY: Uh, sorry to disturb you, sir.
We've captured Bologna, sir.
What Who's captured Bologna? ORDERLY: I don't know, sir.
I was in the briefing room, sir.
The bomb line is now 60 miles north of Bologna.
Thank you, Private.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Sir.
- [SHUDDERS.]
Sir, it's me, sir Korn.
- What is it, Korn? - I'm sorry to wake you.
But I thought you'd like to know - we captured Bologna.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- When? - Overnight, sir.
The bomb line is now 60 miles north of the city.
- That's goddamn terrific.
- I thought so, too.
Yeah, so should I go ahead and cancel the mission? Of course you should cancel the mission.
We're not gonna bomb our own men, are we? Of course of course not, sir.
Of course not.
NATELY: Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo, wake up now! Hey, you want to hear some news? - The 10th Infantry took Bologna.
- What? NATELY: They fucking took it overnight.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- NATELY: I get to see my girl! - I'm going to Rome! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
MILO: Hey, no le rompete.
Fragile.
Attenti! Attenti! Which one of you is Milo Minderbinder? Oh, hello, Major.
That'd be me.
Oh, Mr.
Lamb Chops.
That's right, sir.
Well, now, why is it, son, that they tell me that all non-combat planes have to be requisitioned through you? Chain of command, sir.
Emanuele, rapido, rapido.
- I need a plane to Bologna.
- Bologna? We have taken Bologna.
I need to go to Bologna.
MILO: We've taken Bologna? Yes, son.
We have taken Bologna.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, baby Shoo, shoo, shoo, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby, do-dah, do-day Your papa's off to the seven seas Don't cry, baby Don't sigh, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby, do-dah, do-day When I come back, we'll live a life of ease YOSSARIAN: I don't understand.
Why don't you just pay for all three and send the other two away? Because then Clara will be angry with me for making her work and paying the others to have the night off.
She says that if I really liked her, then I'd give her the night off and go to bed with one of the others.
And they're $30 each? Yeah, it's, uh, $30.
$30 is a lot of money for pieces like these.
Besides, I've never paid for it in my life.
NATELY: No, you don't understand you don't have to pay for a thing.
I'll pay for all three you guys just need to take the other two so she doesn't get her nose out of joint.
I just don't understand why you why you have to pay for her friends in the first place.
To make her happy! You know, I remember this one time we tricked these two dumb high-school girls into the fraternity.
Made them put out for all the fellas by threatening to call their folks and tell them they were putting out for the fellas.
And what is it, "putting out"? AARFY: Screw, fuck, you know.
Ah, so you you tricked the girls, and you fuck them? Yeah, sure.
It was a bit of fun.
And the girls? They were having fun? AARFY: Yes, of course.
So you made them have fun, yes? Yes? You get a load of this shit? I'm getting lectured by a guy who sells women for a living.
I'm aware of my profession.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
CLARA: Nate-er-ly? Is problem? I-I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Yo-Yo, come on, will you take the other two? Help me out here, man.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[BELL TOLLING.]
DE COVERLEY: My good man.
Would you be kind enough to provide me with the name of the legal owner of this building? I wish to requisition it for the fighting men of the United States of America.
Scusi? Dov'è il ah Ah, proprietario.
The SOLDIER: [SPEAKING GERMAN.]
[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I am.
I try to be.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey.
[REPLIES IN ITALIAN.]
CLARA: Sister.
She's your sister? Sister, sister.
Insects.
Ah, insetti.
Insects.
Gelato I know this word.
- Gelato.
- You want one? YOSSARIAN: Okay, she's up for it.
What's that called? Ice cream.
Rolls off the tongue better than "ice cream," doesn't it? - Finestra, that's window, yeah? - Finestra.
- Finestra.
- With an R, right? Finestra.
Can you say "window"? Try that? - Window.
- Window, yeah.
- Exactly.
- [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
- NATELY: Yeah.
- YOSSARIAN: Yeah.
NATELY: Wha Fuck.
YOSSARIAN: She'll be back, buddy.
NATELY: God damn it.
[ENGINE ROARING.]
Major de Coverley has gone missing, and one of you fuckers is going to prison for it.
I know you're here, and I am going to hunt you down like a jackal, and I'm gonna mount you on my fucking wall! So, if any of you knows anything about my bomb line being moved, now would be the time to speak up! Because I am gonna get to the bottom of this.
You can mark my fucking words, gentlemen.
This is a black eye on the squadron.
A good man has gone missing, presumed captured.
Maybe missing, presumed dead! The person who did it is in this room Right now I can fucking feel it.
Oh, and by the way, we're going back to Bologna.
Mark my fucking words.
And you're going back there, and you are gonna bomb the fuck out of those fuel dumps, and you are going to bomb the fuck out of those antiaircraft guns, and I hope it's fucking bad.
And you'd better hope that you don't bomb wherever it is they're holding Major de Coverley.
And I've got some good news.
I'm raising the mission count from 40 to 45.
Oh, I knew you'd like that.
And as punishment for this act of fucking treason, I'm also raising it from 45 to 50.
[MEN GRUMBLING SOFTLY.]
CATHCART: Oh, do I sense discontent, hmm? Well, look, fellas I'm not an unreasonable man.
What's say we make a deal, hmm? If the repugnant swamp scum that moved my bomb line were to step forward and admit his guilt, I would be willing to lower the mission count from 50 to 45.
Hmm? Effective immediately.
You fucking coward.
Dis-fucking-missed! [INDISTINCT SOFT CHATTER.]
AARFY: All right, that's 45 seconds to run.
45 seconds.
PILOT: It's getting hot up here, fellas.
NATELY: Down there! Just beyond the bridge! There's a whole convoy on that road! AARFY: Yeah, we're coming up on it now.
You all right up there? PILOT: We got you, we got you.
You're okay.
PILOT 2: We're getting hammered! Let's go! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
AARFY: All right, McWatt.
Bring her to 043.
Holding steady at 4,500.
043 at 4,500.
NATELY: Is that it down there? MCWATT: Is that what down there? - Fucking Bologna! - AARFY: No, no, no.
It's still 13 miles to Bologna.
NATELY: Holy shit.
CATHCART: They make it with a pesto sauce.
And the parmesan, oh It is something, let me tell you, Korn.
It is something.
Yes, sir.
- [SIREN WAILING.]
- What in God's green earth is that? What is that? [WAILING CONTINUES, PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
MILO: It's only me.
It's only me.
CAPTAIN: Hands in the air! No, it's okay! These are ours now! - I said, "Hands in the air.
" - MILO: Yes, I understand that.
There's been a crossed wire somewhere.
CAPTAIN: Who are you? I'm Milo! I'm I'm the mess officer.
You know me, Captain.
I feed you.
State your business here.
Business! My business is business.
These are no longer military, these are trade.
CAPTAIN: These are enemy planes.
MILO: Well, technically speaking, that's no longer the case as of today.
This explains, in great detail, that these are syndicate planes now.
- CAPTAIN: What syndicate? - MILO: Our syndicate.
We're all part of the syndicate, even you.
And these are all in order.
I said put your hands in the air! Of course.
Anyway, the Germans are part of the syndicate, too, and so what's happening today is the Germans are contributing three cargo planes to the syndicate.
CAPTAIN: Who are these men? Are they Germans? Well, yes and no.
They're delegates.
They're here today representing the interests of M&M Enterprises.
No, I know what you're gonna say.
Sure, we're at war with the Germans, but the Germans are also members in good standing of the syndicate, and they pay their bills a lot more promptly than a lot of allies of ours I could name.
So it's my job to protect their rights as shareholders, just as I will protect yours as members of the syndicate.
CATHCART: Weapons down! Put your goddamn weapons down! [ENGINE REVS, BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Sir, these are German flyers, and those are German planes.
And you did the right thing, Captain.
Milo, have you got those papers? - Yes, sir.
Can I lower my arms, sir? - CATHCART: Lower your arms.
Have you go the originals and carbon copies? - Yes, sir, they're all right here.
- Korn! Milo, I apologize for not passing the relevant information down the chain of command hence, all this kerfuffle.
As of now, these planes are part of the M&M Enterprise fleet.
MILO: Beautiful.
Follow me, sir.
These planes are a beauty.
They fly like a dream.
Watch your head.
Hey, that's beautiful work, Luca.
Perfetto, grazie! CATHCART: Very nice, Milo.
- Very elegant.
- Thank you, sir.
I think so, too, sir.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
NATELY: 043 at 4,500! 043 at 4,500! - Are you reading me, Yossarian? - PILOT: Hey, can you hear me? PILOT 2: This ain't the time to fuck around, man.
PILOT 3: Yeah, they're really lighting it up.
NATELY: Come on, you getting close? Yo-Yo, what's going on? There's something wrong with the plane! There's something wrong with the [TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP.]
Something's wrong with the plane? What's the matter? There's just something the matter with - [DISTORTED SPEECH.]
- KID: I don't know! Who is that screaming? This is Yossarian in the nose! Yossarian in the nose! Didn't you say there was something the matter KID: I thought you said something was the matter.
Everything seems fine up here.
Everything's all right.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I can't hear you.
KID: I said everything seems all right.
MCWATT: Holding steady, 4,500 feet.
AARFY: Drop those fuckers, Yo-Yo! Let's go! - PILOT: Come on, boys, let's - [TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP.]
I said I still can't hear you! Is anybody there? MCWATT: How close are we? Are we dropping or what? - Hey, I can't hear you.
- What? I can't hear you.
I don't know what you're saying.
- I can't hear you! - I said I can't hear you! I'm shouting as loud as I can! Look, there's something wrong with the intercom! - We have to turn back.
- For an intercom? We're not turning back for a broken intercom.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
Turn back, or I'll break your fucking head! You're kidding, right? I can't do my job if I can't fucking hear you up there! - Yes, you can! - No, I can't! - Yes, you can! - No, I can't! I think we need to pull out, McWatt.
No fucking way! Fine.
Fuck you.
Jesus.
All planes, this is "Yankee Doodle.
" We are pulling out.
We have a technical difficulty here! [EXPLOSIONS.]
Good.
Good.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[TIRES CRUNCH, SCREECH.]
Hey, you know what your problem is? You still think you're going to get out of here.
- And you fly like you don't.
- Exactly.
I fly however the fuck I want.
Sure, fly however the fuck you want.
Just not when I'm in the same plane.
Oh, it doesn't make a goddamn bit of difference how I fly.
You're just a coward.
I'm the bravest fucking man you know.
Okay, do what you got to do.
I mean, I'm not going to tell anyone you pulled those wires.
I mean, I-I'm swell with it.
I mean, it's okay if you're afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm just keeping us alive.
Oh, yeah, you are.
You're afraid.
Oh, Christ, you're ridiculous.
You know the difference between me and you? Me, happy, happy, happy, happy, dead.
You, worry, worry, worry, worry, dead.
Don't drag me into your shit, okay? [AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARS OVERHEAD.]
CHAPLAIN: Sorry about today.
Just when you think you're close to heading home, ten more missions I-I can only imagine how that must feel.
He's a goddamn monster.
To punish the squadron for one man's transgression? I-I'm not a believer in that sort of Old Testament retribution myself.
And was it really a transgression? Well, to knowingly allow your fellow men to be punished for a crime you committed, I-I would say that's a transgression.
YOSSARIAN: But what if the crime wasn't really a crime? Or even if it was a crime, so what? The punishment is irrational.
Should that man be held responsible for the irrationality of the punishment? I would have thought that you of all people would be incensed at the actions of this person.
He's just caused you to fly ten more missions.
I am.
I'm incensed.
Not to mention poor old Major de Coverly.
[SIGHS.]
Was it a prank? An act of sabotage? - [SCOFFS.]
- What if it was an accident? Well, I don't see how it could be an accident.
My understanding is the bomb line is a piece of string.
It doesn't just move on its own.
We don't know that, and Cathcart certainly doesn't.
How do how do we know Cathcart didn't do it himself just to raise the missions, because he's nuts.
He's crazy as a bedbug.
Chaplain, insanity is contagious.
Everybody's crazy except for us.
You and I have to be careful.
We may be the only sane people in the entire world, and we're bullied and insulted and harassed and shoved around all day long by insane people.
And we do our duty, mission after mission 35, 40 then we're told it's not good enough.
And when we object, people like Cathcart tell us any true patriot would be proud to fly as many missions as they're forcing us to fly.
You look at it that way, I don't know if this bomb line guy really did the wrong thing.
I mean You know what I mean? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING IN THE DISTANCE.]
[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
CATHCART: At ease, at ease, sit.
Sit, please, sit.
You did a lot of damage today, boys.
Bravo, we gave them the real what-for.
We lost 12 men 12 damn fine men.
God rest their souls.
But we did a lot of damage.
Aerial photographs are developed.
Bombing patterns are meticulous.
So job well done.
Now, by way of saying thank you of letting you know that your brave efforts do not go unappreciated I have asked Milo, our fine mess officer, to come up with something special for you all.
A personal favorite of mine Baked Alaska.
Haven't had it since before the war.
Come on, boys, bring it in! There you go! There you go, boys.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
CATHCART: Milo, looks great.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
MILO: Veloce, veloce! [CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Goddamn yummy! It's goddamn yummy! Is it not, gentleman? Colonel Korn, what say you? KORN: Yes, sir, it's yummy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Milo, fine job.
Did you not get any? - I say, did you not get any? - NATELY: We did not, sir.
- CATHCART: I can't hear you.
- We did not, sir.
- Do you not want some? - NATELY: No, thank you, sir.
One plane turned back today.
Would the crew of that plane stand up? And who might the pilot of this intrepid ship be? - That'd be me, sir.
- KORN: That's McWatt, sir.
McWatt.
And pray tell, McWatt, what precipitated this urgent need to be back at base? - Broken intercom - Speak up so everybody can hear you.
A broken intercom, sir.
Oh.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Major Major, you've been reading the manual, I believe.
Tell us, in the course of your studies, have you come across a paragraph or a subclause that tells you that a broken intercom is a valid Procedural Termination Mechanism for Mission Abortion? I don't, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
- I haven't necessarily - CATHCART: No, you haven't! Because there isn't one! And I want everyone to take a good look at this table, because at this table, you will see the face of cowardice! And that is not a face that gets Baked Alaska put in it.
[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Hi.
- [GIRLS GIGGLE.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SEAGULLS CRYING.]
[AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARS OVERHEAD.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
It's goddamn McWatt! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- KID: Get out of here, McWatt! AARFY: What the fuck? You piece of shit! McWatt, you fucking maniac! [CHUCKLES.]
Son of a bitch.
Come on, McWatt, let's see what you got.
- AARFY: McWatt, you nut! - What's he doing? - Yeah, get him, Sampson.
- Yeah, Kid, get him! - Come on, Kid, get him.
- NATELY: Here he comes.
- KID: Come on, McWatt! - NATELY: Here he comes! KID: Come on! Let's see what you got! Oh, I see you, motherfucker.
Come on, McWatt.
- That's right, give it to him.
- Kid Sampson, shove it up his ass! - Shove it right up his ass! - KID: Come on! Whoo! [ENGINE ROARING.]
Shove it up his ass! This is going straight up your ass, McWatt! Oh, shit! KID: Whoo! [SOMBER MUSIC.]
Oh.
He got Kid Sampson.
- He got Kid Sampson! - Fuck! Fuck! No, no! Oh, God! [YELLING.]
Oh, no.
[GRUNTS.]
What are you doing, McWatt? [SPITS.]
Happy, happy, happy, happy! Aah! [SOFT MUSIC.]