Cavendish (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Okay.
Does your person talk too much about his tax dollars? What? I Aren't you supposed to ask if they have a mustache - or something? I don't - Mustaches come and go.
I'm trying to get at their soul, Andy.
Like, would he say things like, "My tax dollars paid for that? Oh, that's where my tax dollars are going?" You know what I mean? I don't How am I supposed to Actually, yes.
Wow.
Yes, he would.
- Yeah? - Yeah! I can hear him saying it.
I am narrowing in.
I know it's a man of at least 50.
Alrighty.
I think we're all set for clothes.
What else do we need? Teapot? They'll have a teapot, won't they? Ah, you're all packed and ready to go? Is this your first vacation together? Oh, no, no! No, we went to Halifax once, to see the tall ships festival.
That was actually very fun.
You know, you think about ships being very long, but actually some are quite tall.
Yeah.
These were too tall.
But anyway, this is a different thing This is, technically speaking, a "wellness retreat".
Doctor's orders.
We're going for Vitamin D, plus some Vitamin F, "F" standing in this case - for fun! - Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes! (laughing) - That's good! - That's a good one.
Oh, actually, Dad, I have an idea I want to run by you since I am going to be running the museum Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down.
What makes you think you're looking after the museum? I just assumed, because I'm the eldest and most responsible.
Well, I think you better think again, because this little chap here is gonna be in charge.
- Oh! Me?! - Why is Mark in charge? - He's an idiot.
- OK.
Well, If I'm such an idiot, then why have I been preapproved for 2 credit cards? I know what I'm gonna get from him, don't I? Hmm? He's gonna do the bare minimum, and then, when I get home, he's gonna come up with a pathetic excuse.
- He's predictable.
- Yes, I am.
- Well said, Dad.
- Whereas you I'm not even out the door and you've already had an idea.
I don't like ideas, Andrew.
Ideas are dangerous.
- Shall we? - Hmm, yes! OK! Have fun, you two! You've earned it.
Heh.
Alright, I'm gonna finish you off right now.
Would your guy call his mom "mother"? Yes.
I knew it! You got Nick.
(theme music) Yeah I mean, it's it's good, Bryn.
It's just a little bit you know, anime.
It's manga, not anime.
Hey! Whoa, cool! Look at this.
Smiling boy, that must be me.
Angry bald man, that's Andy.
Right on! What's this for? I'm having Bryn design a new poster for the museum.
OK.
So, remember how less than two hours ago, Dad put me in charge because he knew you'd freak out - and overdo it? - I'm gonna change things up here.
I got a bunch of ideas.
I mean, obviously, - that poster was a misstep, but - Wow.
OK.
Why would you waste your time worrying about this? Let's go outside, have fun! Go on a brother adventure, eh? What the hell is a "brother adventure"? It's brothers on an adventure! We go out there, we meet some people, have some fun.
Not sit around here, dwelling on how to fix up this museum, 'cause Dad's just gonna run it how he wants anyway.
Dad runs the museum in a way that nobody wants to come in.
- Oh - Oh! - Sorry.
Are you open? - Yes we are! Welcome to the Museum of the Strange and Fantastic.
Please, have a look around.
I can offer you a small tour if you'd like.
Here we have some dinosaur eggs, more or less; here we have a little skull.
(chuckles) Here's a conch shell.
You know how people mispronounce that, but it's "conk".
Hm, I think that's a spine.
Oh, there's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life if you're in the market for true nightmare.
- (shrieking): Mom, it bit me! - Oh! Sh! OK, well, I see your daughter has met - our famous caged squirrel - We're leaving.
Well, thank you so much for coming! Sorry about that! Have a strange and fantastic day.
"Have a strange and fantastic day.
" Nice one, Bryn! Well, well, well, well, well, Andy.
I think you'll find that those were, technically, customers.
OK! I am gonna go make some changes around here.
What are you talking about? Where are you going? Andy! I'm in charge here! Don't Alright, I gotta go after him.
Bryn, - watch the place while I'm gone.
- Roger that.
But don't kiss and hug the squirrel while I'm out, OK? - Hm-mmm.
- OK.
You know what? It's your life, live your life.
I don't care.
- Andy! - (squirrel chirping) Andy, what are we doing here, man? What is this place? It's the Cavendish flea market.
It's where I was gonna - sell Dad's stuff when he died.
- Jesus I bet we can find some pretty cool things in here.
No, let's not do this.
Let's go have fun.
Come on! But this is fun! This is like the brother thing you were talking about.
- A brother adventure? - Yes! A brother adventure.
- How is this a brother adventure? - Come on! Me coming up with a new exhibit; you help me out.
Both of us scheming behind dad's back? - I do like to scheme - You like to scheme! - OK.
What are we looking for? - Alright! What's, like What are we What's the thing? Basically, I'm looking for something that's family friendly.
- need help for myself and - (indistinct conversation) - Oh, my God.
That's Molly.
- Where? Oh, hey, Molly! - Don't talk don't wave! - Mark and Andy! - Don't talk to - Come on! Hey! How's it going? Mark, Andy.
Not sure if you remember us.
Andy had a crush on you in third grade.
And then I think the last time we saw - each other was when Andy - Stabbed my son.
- That's it! That was it.
Hm.
- Yeah Hey, Jacob! How are you holdin' up, little buddy? Hmm! Holy sh! Wow.
OK.
Picture's worth a thousand words there, huh? - Yeah.
It's Hm.
- (clears throat nervously) - So, what are you selling here? - It's an organic health smoothie made - from the products in my garden.
- Oh, sweet, sweet.
We're hoping to get it on grocery store shelves soon.
- Do you mind if I try a sample? - That's why they're there.
Hm, alright.
Here we go! That's actually really good.
- Is that good? - Mmm.
Yeah! What's in it? It's an organic health smoothie made from the products in my garden.
You already said that.
Yeah.
I don't think there's any need to be more specific.
Well, I think we would love to take a bunch of these.
Um, how many would say, "I am so, so sorry for stabbing your son"? Well, now we know how much it costs to stab a little boy.
Can we just find an exhibit please Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about these? These look good.
They look like they're in pretty rough shape No way! Look.
This one looks amazing.
- (screaming): Oh, my God! Oh! - Can I help you? She's a lady! She's-she's not wax, she's a lady.
Thank you! Are we looking for anything specific? (muted voice): Uh, no.
I don't think so.
Just sort of browsing.
Did you make all these yourself? No, my husband.
He collected them, one a year until his death.
Would you care to hear how he died? I think I've found something.
Fred Penner! Oh, yeah! Look at that, it's Fred Penner.
(muted voice): I never knew what that was.
- Who did you say that is? - Oh, it's Fred Penner.
He had a kids' show on CBC.
Sang The Cat Came Back.
You know that one? Recently was awarded the Order of Canada.
Wait, why do I know so much about Fred Penner? Maybe because he inspired an entire generation of Canadians? Honestly, he was more of a father to me than Dad was.
He taught wholesome life lessons; he was fun and he was a pretty snappy dresser.
You know what? - (ominous music) - We'll take it.
You've got to be proud of the people around you Proud of the things that you do - (indistinct conversation) - Proud of your dreams And feelings inside And never Andy, what the hell is this, man? Morning, Mark! What do you think? I think Dad is gonna be furious 'cause this is a whole different place.
Exactly.
It's the place where families can have fun and learn.
And it centres around a great Canadian icon.
He means Fred Penner.
The statue.
Yeah, I sorta pieced that together on my own, but thank you, Bryn.
Andy, where is Dad's stuff? Where's the sarcophagus? Where's the squirrel?! The stuff is in storage.
And as for the squirrel Bryn? - The squirrel is safe.
- The squirrel is safe.
(chuckling): It's incredible, right? Oh, yeah! Bryn even made some new flyers.
Show him the flyers, Bryn.
"Come get a Fred-ucation"? Alright.
Did you do somehow pull all of this off in one night? It's like something was calling to me, saying, "You've gotta finish this.
Finish this exhibit".
Right? Oh, and the Fred tribute, that's just the beginning.
I'm gonna redo this entire floor.
Yeah.
Interactive exhibits, family fun.
- Welcome to the fun zone, Mark! - "The fun zone"? That's what I'm gonna call it.
Hey, did you know that - Velcro was invented in Canada? - I didn't know that.
- Fred-ucational.
- Doesn't apply here, Bryn.
I'm also gonna get rid of that stupid UFO and put it in a ball pit.
OK, well, kids like UFOs, Andy, if that's what you are after.
And you can't just fill a dirt hole with balls and call it a ball pit.
Sure, you can.
Get your balls, get your pit.
That's a ball pit.
- That's not - Fred-u-tainmment.
Holy hell, Bryn, if it's not a Fred-related thing, you can't use a Fred pun.
Now, I know I'm mad at Andy and I'm sorta taking it out on you, but I got I gotta know that - that's clear.
- Don't listen to him, Bryn.
You gotta listen to the wise words of Fred Penner: "You've got to be proud of the people around you.
Proud of the things that you do "Proud of your dreams and feelings inside "And never afraid to let them shine through.
No-o.
(whispers): Never afraid to make them come true.
" Sure.
I understand that this exhibit and Fred Penner mean a lot to you Exactly.
Great! Just put these on, we're gonne hand out flyers.
What? No, man! I don't car I don't even have my shoes! We'll get some shoes on the way.
Let's go! - Stop pushing me, man! - Have Fred out there.
Come to the Museum of the Strange and Fantastic and see our new exhibit, starring Fred Penner himself! Just kidding, he's a statue.
Can you imagine if I had the actual Fred Penner in the museum? You'd be like, "Let him go!" And I'd be like, "No, he's mine!" Hey, come on down to The Museum of the Strange and Fantastic.
We got a Fred Penner exhibit.
It's Fred-ucational.
Is this guy bothering you? Ha-ah! Just kidding.
Come to the museum! Don't make me follow you home! - I will follow you home.
- Not gonna follow you home.
I'll follow you home if you don't come! And drag you to the museum.
He's certainly not going to do that.
That's actually illegal, to say stuff like that, man.
Take it easy.
It's the A to Ms of business, Mark.
The "A to Ms" of business? - Yes! - What the hell is that? "Always Be Calling Dem Everyones For Going I Just Know that's Museum.
" That was impressive.
That was weirdly impressive.
Yeah, I am locked in, man.
I feel like a whole new person.
Right? I feel I feel like I have a purpose, and that purpose is to make this exhibit great.
So, let's head down to the pier.
I bet there's - lot of great foot traffic.
- No, no.
No, no, no.
Alright? We've been doing this for too long and we're both a little bit tired, so let's let's take a break.
OK, buddy? You'll take a break when I say you can take a break.
I don't know what the hell is going on with you today, but you are acting insane.
It's called decisiveness, Mark.
- All great captains have it.
- "Captains"? Yes.
I wasn't sure what I was gonna do last night, but then I stared into that statue's eyes and, 5 hours later, I had it.
I'm sorry, you stared at that statue for 5 hours last night? - Yeah.
- F-five hours?! - Five or six, yeah, sure.
- Five or six hours No, no.
We're taking a break.
Gimme these.
You know what? Fine.
Take a break, Mark.
I can do this brother adventure on my own.
And like Fred Penner says: "I'll do it my way".
- It's a Frank Sinatra song.
- Fred did a cover! (ominous music) He don't love you like I do What can I get you, hon? - Uh, just a beer, please.
- Sure.
Thank you.
OK.
Thank you! Hey, I recognize you, right? You were at the in the posse that helped us hunt for the beast? You had the pitchfork, didn't you? - (Canadian accent): Right.
- Oh, you've still got it.
Yes.
(mumbling): I got it on spec from my cousin in Nova Scotia, traded me for six alternators.
Pretty fine deal when you break it down.
OK.
Cool.
- Where's your brother at, man? - My brother? Oh.
He's probably still handing out flyers for a stupid museum exhibit.
He's just obsessed with proving himself to my Dad.
You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.
- Just once, I wish I had a brother who knew how to kick back and have fun for a change.
(mumbling): Oh.
I always a brother.
We could kick it around, give 'er a test run, give it a shot.
Sir, are you offering to be my brother? - Is that what you are offering? - You got something in your ears there, bud? No.
OK! That's Yeah, I heard you clearly, I guess.
Somehow.
Uh (sighs) Hell yeah! I mean It's a strange offer, but I'll take it.
- Alright.
- Let's be brothers for a day! Sounds alright, man.
Yeah.
What do you want our first brother adventure to be? Do a little cab hash.
We'll go down to the mall, the pet shop.
Free 'em up.
Jumanji in the food court.
OK.
Well, let's start with beer and then sorta see where it goes from there.
One more beer - for my brother, please! - (mumbling): Drink on this.
(rock music) He says to me, "No, I never! I wouldn't have it!" They got the names of the Renaissance painters! "So don't put it up! I'll play the pig, you play the mother.
" They're ninjas.
To cap it all out, turtles.
- He'll come for it.
- Oh, I see four of these little little guys coming.
I'm like, alright there, 'cause I didn't even know his name.
Next thing you know, my pants are gone! Little buddy's scurrying around.
I set a little trap, a little FBI trap.
And then in the morning, five, six, seven guys come, frees him up, scurry him down the street.
I said, "Come back, you're wearing my pants! The only pants I got left!" Yeah.
Yeah, that'll Alright.
That's why I won't vote for him.
Never again.
Amen to most of that.
Can we get maybe another couple of beers here? - You good? Ready for more? - Oh, yeah.
Another couple of those? Ah Oh, check that out.
It's Andy's stupid flyer.
What do I got left here? (dramatic music) Buddy, what you got here is a fine picture of The Cruel.
You're talking about Fred Penner? That's not Fred Penner.
That's Christopher The Cruel, the most feared pirate in all of Cavendish history.
Legend has it, when he was being hanged for his crimes he vowed to return and exact revenge on all future generations.
Where did you get this image? Uh, well, it's a photo of a statue that my brother's been staring at for hours at a time while he slowly goes mad.
- Do we think that's an issue? - (ominous music) Yes, we do.
That's the "yes, we do" look from both of you.
Alright.
Alright OK, there it is.
Thanks again for doing this, Felix.
Oh, I like a brother adventure as much as the next fellow - when you get down to it.
- Hell yeah, buddy.
You grab that side, I'll grab this side.
- (groaning) - He's too damn heavy! - It's heavy as hell.
- What are you doing, Mark? Oh, my gosh! Oh! Andy.
- What are you doing? - Oh, just some light swabbing.
You mean mopping? Yeah Well, we were just gonna go clean this thing out back, Felix has some good cleaning agents, so - if you don't mind, we're just - I can't let you do that, Mark.
Geez! Andy, listen, man.
This isn't Fred Penner.
It's some evil pirate from the past - whose name I can't remember - The Cruel.
The Cruel! It's The Cruel.
And he's Well, take a look, OK? Down here.
That's a normal leg.
Peg leg! Peg leg, Andy! I'm pretty sure Fred Penner didn't have a peg leg.
Not a 100% sure, but pretty sure.
- Let it go! - OK.
OK, buddy.
Listen, I'm just trying to help you, alright? I'm not saying you're possessed by this statue, but you are demonstrating a lot of possessed-like qualities.
So why don't we just play it safe and do the exhibit - without the statue? - You don't want me to succeed.
You want me to live below the decks.
But I have news for you I was born for so much more Don't do that, please.
Listen, Andy.
I want you to have everything you want.
But the way you're saying what you're saying sound so possessed! Anyway, I'm getting rid of this thing.
OK! - No, no, no, no, no! - Let go of it, buddy.
Let go! No, he's staying here! He stays! No, no, no! He stays! Let go.
Let go.
Let go, Andy.
Felix, help me out! - (overlapping arguing) - (screaming) - (cracking sound) - (dramatic music) Felix? He's dead.
One sec, let me see I'm not actually sure How do you Where's the pulse, exactly? Andy, we killed someone, man.
We got to go to the police! Not until we open the exhibit.
When it's successful, and Dad sees I'm right, then we go to the police.
Are you kidding me? Listen to yourself, Andy.
No matter how successful your exhibit is, Dad will never admit you're right! (laughing): Oh, but he'll have to, Mark! It will be undeniable.
Then I will be running the museum, and you will be the one digging the graves.
Nobody should be digging graves at a museum! Hey, guys? Have you seen the rice cooker? - Uh no? - OK.
- I really need to make rice.
- Why? I like the way the squirrel eats it.
OK, don't feed that squirrel rice, Bryn.
I'm gonna feed the squirrel.
Do you think she saw the body? I don't know.
If she did, I don't think she cared? We gotta hide it.
We gotta Where's the body?! - What? - Where's the body, Mark?! - Felix! You're alive! - (screaming) What are you doing, man? I'm (groaning) - (yelping) - Felix! - Come back here! - Run, Felix! He'll kill you! I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU, FELIX! Now, old Mr.
Johnson had troubles of his own He had a yellow cat Who wouldn't leave his home He tried and he tried to give the cat away He gave it to a man going far, far away Get back here! Oh! Going through the log, eh? - (maniacal laugh) - (scared moans) The cat came back they thought he was a goner Stay down.
Goodnight, ye scurvy dog! Andy, wait! No! Don't do this! Just drop the shovel man! This isn't you! This is God damn it, what's that pirate's name? - The Cruel.
- The Cruel! It's Christopher the Cruel! It's not you.
You've always been delusional but not like this! Felix is an anchor, weighing me down! I've got to unmoor him from my ship.
Wait, Andy! What What would Fred Penner say? (dramatic sound indication) Oh, hi, Andy.
Hi, Fred.
Thanks for listening and watching all these years.
You know, there's always been a common message I've tried to share with you: Take good care of each other.
So I shouldn't murder this guy with my shovel? What? No.
OK.
Hey, Fred? Did that cat ever come back? The very next day.
(chuckling) Bye, Fred.
Bye.
Oh, Mark.
I'm sorry, you're right.
Fred Penner would never do this.
I guess I let my obsession with impressing Dad cloud my judg - (groaning) - Oh, what the hell, Felix?! He was having a change of heart! (echoing indistinct voices) (vitals monitor beeping) - (soft groaning) - Oh! There he is.
My sunshine boy.
How you feeling? - My head hurts.
- There's actually two reasons for that.
One is a stone to the noggin, courtesy of Felix over there.
And number two is, well, - a lot of poison there, fellas.
- Poison? We ran some tests and discovered that you consumed lethal levels of, well, organic amphetamines.
Or, as we like to call it, nature's meth.
- Molly's smoothies.
- How many of those did you drink, man? - I don't know.
Half? - Half what? Half a crate? Or two thirds? I mean, they were really good.
They are really good.
Oh, actually, you know what, I should probably get out of here.
There's a game on my phone I wanna finish playing.
Good chat, guys.
OK.
You know, I'm still not 100% convinced it was just those health shakes, unless "nature's meth" makes you talk like a pirate.
- Pirate? - Oh, nothing.
I'll explain later.
Come on, let's get home.
I wanna get rid of that statue.
See you later, Felix! If you were my actual brother, I'd go back in time, find father - and lance his balls clean off.
- Are we allowed to leave this? Yeah, yeah.
You got your slippers.
We'll get your clothes - on the way out.
Bye, buddy.
- (indistinct mumbling) (sinister music) - (dinging) - That'll be my rice.