Changing Ends (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
CHRISTINE: Alan!
What are you doing? You've
been stuck up there ages!
'I know what you're thinking.
I'm a lover not a fighter.
'So why the black eye?'
Alan. What you doing?
What's the matter?
Oh, Alan. Come
here. Oh, Graham
'Now I know snitches get
stitches, but sit back.
'Let me fill you in.'
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
'Oh, look, it's Alan Carr.
'Nowadays, when I hear that,
'it normally means a
selfie or an autograph.'
That's not very nice.
'But back in the mid '80s, it
was slightly more sinister.'
Look at these teeth, it
looks exactly like him.
CHEERING
That melon doesn't
even look like me.
But surely I can't be the only one
getting constant abuse in this town.
Oh, yeah, there's me Dad.
BOOING You're rubbish!
All right, chill out. It's
like being on Twitter!
MAN: You're rubbish, Carr!
Substitute the lot of 'em!
Oh, Chris. Angela. Look
at you in your pinny!
It's the exact same
one my cleaner's got.
Oh, has she got a bad back?
Cos she's clearly not
doing your skirting boards.
I haven't got all day, Chris.
I'm collecting for charity,
you know, when you help others.
We're doing a bring and buy. Do
you have any old clothes to donate?
I might have a few pieces. I've
popped a few bits in myself.
Why not? People'll buy anything
at these things, won't they?
There y'are.
It's Children In Need
next week an' all, innit.
Speaking of, how is Alan?
He's fine, thanks for asking.
Is he? Enjoying
secondary school?
My Charlie's got a girlfriend.
Oh. Has Alan got a lady in his
life? Apart from that dinner lady.
He's just getting on with his
studies, girlfriends can wait.
They can, but it might stop
the bullies picking on him,
you know, if he
started courting.
What?
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't
have said anything.
What you talking
about? What bullies?
It's just a bit of name calling.
Well, what kind of names?
Bummer. Goofy.
Gappy. Goggle eyes.
Something about
that annoying smile.
Yeah, all right. I think, if my
Alan was being bullied, I'd know.
Mother's instinct.
I'm only saying something, Chris,
because I myself was bullied
Oh. ..for being beautiful.
My God. Fill your bag, please!
Fang face! What?
What they call Alan, about his
teeth. I knew it'd come to me.
All right. Bye-bye, love.
Come.
That's a large polo. It's
the O from The Cobblers sign.
Fell off.
Nearly took Banjo's leg
off. Not his good leg?
He doesn't have a good
leg. But he's our striker?
Exactly, Ron, exactly.
When are we sorting out this
ground? It's falling to pieces.
The council have come
back with their findings,
and I'm pleased to say,
it's been commended.
With immediate
effect, I might add.
"Condemned". Sorry?
It says "condemned".
Oh. Yes. Oh!
It's a bloody death trap.
Shh! Do not use those words.
Just lucky we're not
at home this weekend,
last thing I need is an
insurance claim on my hands.
We are at home this
weekend, aren't we?
We are.
BOY: Oh, there he is,
Graham Carr's son.
Fang face. Fang
face. Oi, Fang Face.
Aw, look at that little
face. Cobblers are crap!
Try not to let it get to
you, Alan. I know it's hard.
My son, he got picked
on at St Joseph's.
But d'you know what? It made
him the man he is today.
Thanks, Val. How is your Peter?
Still in the bedsit,
still on the methadone.
Meow!
SHE HISSES
Oh, I think I smell
sardines under the table.
Meow. I think it's time
for kitty to have a bath.
I'm going to lick
myself clean, all over!
Who was this woman?
This fabulous flamboyant woman,
who was so self-confident,
she could crawl on all fours and
lick her bits in a busy canteen.
I needed to know her name.
Miss Gideon. Miss Gideon!
Miss Gideon is our
new head of drama.
Are you an actress?
Guilty as charged. Have
you ever been in Dynasty?
No. Murder She Wrote?
No, but I was in Agatha Christie's
The Body In The Library.
Who was you again? The body.
Ooh.
Maybe you'll recognise
me from this.
Get Rid Get Gone! The stain
remover. We love that advert.
I'll never get
this red wine out.
You will with Get Rid Get Gone.
BOTH: Get Rid Get Gone
Where are the stains?
They're all gone! ♪
Drama's for benders!
Thank you. Personally, I would've
have liked a new science block.
But the governors seem to think
that you need to prance
around in tights.
So Miss Gideon, in her wisdom,
is running an
after-school drama club
for anyone who wants
to tread the boards
and never, ever earn a living.
Today. Straight after the bell.
Ding-a ling-a ling.
Ding-a ling-a ling.
Toodle-oo. BOY MOCKING:
Ding-a ling-a ling.
SHE HISSES
I don't know whether to
sack her or spay her.
The sorry hats, the worn faces,
the pots of
watered-down broth
taking me back to
my time in Les Mis.
MUSIC: 'Is This
Love?' by Alison Moyet
Is this love? ♪
She's annoying. No, she's not.
She's amazing.
AS ALAN: "She's amazing."
"She's just perfect."
OLDER ALAN: 'Sensing
her boy was in trouble,
'my mum decided to
do her own homework.'
DOOR CLOSES All right, love?
How was your day? How was Ron?
Oh, don't mention Ron to
me. Where's the remote?
There's a piece on Look
East about the ground.
Oh, that's nice.
No, it's not nice.
It's not nice at
all. It's awful.
'So, with the structure
officially declared unsafe,
'and fans now having to
settle for standing room only,
'it seems the curse of Graham
Carr at Northampton Town
'could extend to the
actual ground itself.'
You
Are you all right?
I think Alan might
be getting bullied.
Right. Who told you that?
Ange.
HE LAUGHS
Ange, the fantasist?
The same woman who swore
blind that she saw Elvis
at the 24-hour garage
at the roundabout.
Well, I knew that was
a lie, it shuts at six.
And I looked in his books, and
he's written a poem about bullying.
Well, I suggest if he wants
to stop being bullied,
giving up poetry's probably
a good place to start.
Oh. SHE SCOFFS
Oh, come on, Chris. He just
need to toughen up a bit.
Fight fire with fire.
Give 'em the old one-two.
Good head-butt. That'll
put a stop to it.
But that's not Alan. And
anyway, he's got glasses.
Unless I put 'em on a chain.
Oh.
Oh, I just don't want
my boy getting hurt.
'And finally, a car-boot sale
was thrown into turmoil today
'when a bouncy
castle exploded.' Hm.
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Oh!
ALAN: 'School had turned
into a pressure cooker.
'I couldn't handle it. I
didn't need this drama.
'And that's when I realised'
Just a few more minutes, my
darlings, and then we'll begin.
'..I needed drama.'
Hello, again. Can I help you?
I'd better go. Are you sure?
Would you like to come
in and have a look?
Imagine the cat in front of
you. You, you are the cat.
Right, now, move. That's
it. Let's see your cat.
MUSIC: 'Telegraph' by OMD
I've got a
telegraph in my hand
Words on paper
Written in sand ♪
Lovely, lovely. Now we're
going to have a think
about where our energy
is, where do we keep it?
Elbows are in charge!
Five, six, seven, eight!
Chasse, chasse, a kick
ball change, step.
Step. Turn. Use your
voice. Use the rhythm.
How much wood would
a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
And this is how your voice
sounds all the time, you say?
Hm. Fascinating.
Shh! How much wood
would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
This is so exciting. Oh, I know!
'Barking on all fours,
pretending to be a conifer,
'this is how school
was meant to be.'
ALL: How much wood
would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
What a fantastic first session.
Oh, I do hope you
all enjoyed it.
So, next class,
we are going to perform a
scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Your homework, find
yourself a costume.
What's the matter? What
are you looking at, Alan?
'A kick in the Capulets if these
two had anything to do with it.'
There he is, my little soldier.
Everything all right at school?
You'd tell me if it
wasn't, wouldn't you?
Has anyone here
got a spare tunic?
What?
And some tights wouldn't
go amiss, as well.
What the hell are you
talking about? Drama Club.
Jackie says that
we Who's Jackie?
Oh. Miss Gideon, but she
says we can call her Jackie.
She's the one in the
Get Rid Get Gone advert.
She spills a glass of red
wine over her silk bedspread.
Clumsy cow, but to be fair
to her, she gets it all out.
Oh, yeah, and you won't believe
what went on behind the scenes
while they were filming it.
Jackie says the director couldn't
direct wee into a bucket.
Oh, what was that jingle again?
BOTH: Where's all the
stains? They're all gone! ♪
Oh, fancy you
knowing a celebrity.
Yeah, she's gonna get us to do
a scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Are you gonna be Romeo?
Doesn't sound like a given.
Jackie says costume's
a really important part
of helping get into
character. Right, Alan.
You're making a rod
for your own back, son.
Well, not this week, but
come Easter, I might be.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'm not having it. I'm
not having it in my house.
A fair evening I bid thee,
m'lord. Is Alan in chambers?
No.
Oh, watch your hair in
the gravy! Oh, thank you.
I'm telling you,
she's his girlfriend!
Look at the way he's touching
her hair. Are you sure?
This can only be a
good thing, Graham.
Alan, can you come
in here, please?
Oh! Oh, what's that? Cologne.
It's gone in my mouth.
I can taste it. Mum!
You want to smell nice
for Kay, don't you?
Vienetta or Arctic Roll, Kay?
You shouldn't really
be smoking Mrs Carr.
Oh, why's that?
We did a project at school about
nicotine. It's highly addictive.
Oh, don't be silly, Kay,
I've been smoking for years.
They should put the effects
on the side of the packets.
That would frighten people.
Oh, Kay, they're not gonna do
that, are they? They're not stupid.
Oh, Alan, where'd you find her?
We are aware of the speculation
that has been circling,
but I want to reassure fans that
the stand will be made safe,
and all season ticket holders
will receive a complimentary
Cobblers umbrella to use
while refurbishments are made.
CLATTERING
Graham Carr, anything to add?
Just what he said, really.
It's not a death trap,
and, er, Paddy'll be there
to hand out umbrellas,
save you getting pissed on.
Thank you. Thank you.
How did I do? Bang
on, mate, bang on.
CLATTERING
Have you got everything? Yeah.
My mum would do anything
to get one up on Angela.
Even if it meant airing her
dirty laundry in the street.
No, I mean, literally -
dirty laundry in the street.
All right, Ange?
Didn't see you there.
I was just on my way
to the garage to see
if I had anything to get this
stain out of Alan's shirt.
Lipstick, on his collar.
I know! That's the trouble, isn't
it, when they get girlfriends?
All the canoodling starts, but
boys will be boys, though, eh?
Anyway, I'd better go, better see if
I've got something to get on this.
Oh, I wonder if I've got any
of that Get Rid Get Gone.
Get Rid Get Gone
Where's all the stains?
They've all gone! ♪
Oh. The stories I could tell you
about the making of that advert!
Anyway, see you!
Oh, the garage.
Oh, I forgot my shoes. Bye-bye.
Is she on drugs?
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Kay!
Hi, Alan. You looking
forward to drama?
Oh, I can't wait. How you
getting on with your lines?
Just a couple more pages to
go, and I'll be word perfect.
We have got one
thing to rehearse.
What's that? Our kiss.
Don't ever do that again.
Oh, look who it is,
it's little theatre boy
and his freaky friend.
"I'm an actor now."
Patrick Swayze? More
like Patrick GAY-ze!
Oh, Jackie, Jackie, look at me.
Bugger off, the pair of you!
Bit cheeky, that!
What should we do with him?
Smack him one! Oh, yeah.
Oi! What's going on?
Leg it.
MUSIC: 'Killing Moon'
by Echo & The Bunnymen
Alan! Alan!
Alan?
Alan.
IN DEEP VOICE: Alan Carr?
Yeah? What are you doing in
the caretaker's cupboard?
I just need some time to myself.
Come out, come out of there.
Oh, Alan, don't cry.
I'm not. The caretaker had left
a bucket of bleach on the floor,
and I bent down to
do my shoelaces.
And now I've got
one of my heads.
Well, class is about to
start. Are you coming?
I don't want to do it any more.
OK, then, I'll just give
James the monologue.
Well,
maybe I could give one last
performance before I retire.
Be honest with me. What's going on?
Are they giving you a hard time?
You can tell me, Alan. I
can't cane them any more,
but if I get a wire coat hanger, say
it's a scene from Mommie Dearest
No! Well, I mean, yeah,
they are, but no to that!
You know why they're
picking on you, don't you?
Why? Because you're special.
Am I?
Yes. Oh. The moment I clapped eyes
on you, I knew you had something.
The voice, the teeth, the way
you sashay down the corridor.
But I don't wanna
sashay, I wanna walk.
I don't wanna have teeth
like toe separators.
I don't want my voice to go up
and down like a police siren.
Alan, you're a one-off. That's
why they don't like you!
D'you reckon? I do.
I think, one day,
you'll be famous.
You'll be a huge, huge
star, just like me.
And they'll say, "I knew him. I
went to school with Alan Carr."
And you can turn around and
say Get out the way of my limo,
I've got a power lunch
with Kirstie Allsopp at 12.
One day, it will all make sense.
I promise.
So, are you ready to do this?
Yeah.
Yes, I am!
Don't you all look fab-u-lous?!
Ah.
And, Alan, what can I say?
Your mum obviously went to a lot
of effort to get all of this.
Yeah, you could say that.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, it's you. Give these
to your mum, will you?
There's some lovely
pieces in there.
Make sure she doesn't lump
'em in with her old crap.
Ooh.
Arms, take your last embrace!
Let lips, O you.
As the doors of breath
forever sealed
..with a righteous kiss.
And then Romeo kisses Juliet.
MUSIC: 'Oh L'amour' by Erasure
Argh!
Ow!
'And that's how I
got my black eye.'
CHRISTINE: Alan!
'And that's why I vowed that I would
never, ever kiss a girl again.'
Alan! Tea's on the table.
And your dad's on the telly.
MUSIC: 'Love Missile F1-11'
by Sigue Sigue Sputnik
REPORTER: 'Graham
Carr, anything to add?'
'Just Just what
he said, really.
'It's not a death
trap, and, er
'Paddy'll be there to
hand out umbrellas,
'save you getting pissed on.'
What d'you reckon? I think you
need bloody acting lessons an' all.
It's like watching a corpse.
Alan, what are you
doing? What's the matter?
Oh, Alan. Come here.
Oh, Graham, look at
him. Look at his face.
Don't be so daft.
It's just a scratch.
The boy's been in
the wars, has he?
Well, kind of
What happened? Someone trying to
muscle in on your bird, were they?
I hope the other guy
came off worse. Did he?
Argh!
Argh!
Yes, she did.
I-I mean I
mean, he he did.
There's no messing with me.
'That was the power of acting.'
One, two, one,
two! Ah, good lad.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? ANGELA:
'We need a word.'
Oh, hi, Ange.
Right, calm down,
you're talking too fast.
'He's prancing around'
You saw Alan doing what?
I am sorry about
your black eye, Alan.
Oh, it wasn't your fault.
See you tomorrow. Bye. Bye.
Oh, it's not possible, Ange,
I handed that bag in this
morning, with your stuff.
Are you back on the Valium?
'Now, that was the
power of acting.'
JACKIE: Oh, Don, not
on the silk bedspread!
I'll never get
this red wine out.
DON: You will with
Get Rid Get Gone.
Get Rid Get Gone
Where are the stains?
They're all gone
Keep it in reach
Give that stain
a squirt of bleach
But where's the stain?
Ha, that's a surprise
We'll always keep it
Away from your eyes. ♪
Thanks, Get Rid Get Gone.
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