Clerks (2000) s01e03 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
- Hi, I'm Dante.
- And I'm Randal.
- [ Audience Applauding .]
- Thank you.
We've been getting a lot of fan mail lately, and we thought tonight it might be fun to take a look at a couple of letters from you, the home viewer.
"Dear Clerks.
"Why are there no female role models on your program, "let alone any females at all? Where are all the women? Signed Jen Schwalbach, Boca Raton, Florida.
" [ Chuckles .]
That's cute.
Thanks for your letter, Jen.
Very pretty handwriting.
Next letter.
"Where are all the women on your show? Are you guys afraid of women?" Yes.
You read one.
"How come there are no African Americans on your show? "Aren't there any black people in New Jersey? Signed Richard Feyder, Fort Lee, New Jersey.
" - Wow, he's right.
- Yeah, this is a problem.
But one we're going to rectify immediately.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our new black character, Lando.
[ Applause .]
So from now on, but especially tonight, keep an eye out for Lando.
He'll be dispensing advice and guiding me and Dante through our adventures.
- Hey, Lando, say "What up, yo.
" - Hello.
- Clerks-- A progressive show.
- Peace, out, homey.
[ Announcer .]
Clerks is filmed by a live studio audience.
[ Telephone Ringing .]
- Hello? Aha! - [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
You can't tell me to go to work, because I'm already at work.
What do you mean, I can sleep in today? - Who's gonna open instead? - Good morning.
- What are you doing here? - I needed a little extra cash, so I told the boss I'd open.
- What are you doing here? - You suggested I sleep here last night, - since I'd be opening this morning.
- That's pretty funny.
I'm going home.
There's a shipment of microwave burritos coming this morning.
Make sure you put them in the freezer as soon as they get here.
- Consider it already done.
- [ Door Bell Ringing .]
[ Horn Honking "La Cucaracha" .]
[ Buzzing .]
- Hey, Lando.
- Hey, Randal.
I told you to bring the burritos in.
Now look at them.
You look at 'em.
Hey, you wanna take a swing at this Chia Pet? - I named it Fifi.
- No.
I want you to throw these out in the back Dumpster.
Man, I've been workin' like a dog all morning.
- [ Door Bell Ringing .]
- Yo, youse guys sell Monkey Chow here? - I'll handle this.
No.
- Well, how about just monkeys? No.
Why do you ask? Because they just opened up a new pet store next door, and me and Silent Bob wanna buy a monkey.
- A monkey? - Why do you wanna buy a monkey? To teach it to smoke.
Duh.
Wow.
A new pet store.
Wanna go check out the monkey? - We should, if we're gonna kill it.
- What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad? Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.
Um, that was a movie.
This is real life.
You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.
Because you refused to sit on the toilet.
Sharks swim in water.
There's water in the toilet.
I rest my case.
Sharks only swim in salt water.
- I have salt water in my toilet.
- You're so naive.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- Get rid of these burritos first.
Fine.
- Did you take care of the burritos? - What do you think? Holy crap! Isn't that Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze? - Hey, Patrick.
Great horse.
- Hey, Randal.
I called the horse Ghost like that movie I did.
- Gotcha.
So, you own this place, huh? - Yeah, I do.
- Of course.
- [ Man .]
Swayze, get back to work! I'm not paying you to gab with the customers! That's an important Hollywood producer.
We're making a movie in the back room.
[ Forced Chuckle .]
- What's the movie called? - Get the hell back here - and clean up after these cats! - That's the title of the movie.
- [ Elephant Trumpeting .]
- I gotta get back to the, uh, set.
- Come on, Point Break.
- I thought you said his name was Ghost.
Yeah.
Point Break is his last name.
Bye! - How the hell you know that guy? - Patrick? He just moved next door to me and my mom.
Critics love it when former Dirty Dancing stars do TV shows.
- This isn't a TV show.
- Now who's being naive? Hey, check it out.
Patient zero.
As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your filthy virus.
- Look how scared he is.
He's shaking.
- No, he's masturbating.
Yeah, but it's out of fear.
Stand aside, people.
Everybody back.
Mr.
Leonardo.
What are you doing here? Mr.
Leonardo is here to pose for a publicity shot for Fortune magazine.
Why are you posing in the pet store for Fortune instead of your own office? All right.
It's not Fortune.
It's for People.
And People wants you to pose at a pet store? Fine.
It's for Pet Store Weekly.
Well played, clerks.
[ Monkey Chittering, Cage Rattling .]
Oh, dear.
Something scared that monkey.
Oh, God, will you please get them out of here! They're stinking up the place.
I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.
- Emergency.
Coming through.
Stand aside.
- What happened? That filthy monkey bit him.
Get me a rag, a needle and some fishing line.
I'm going to have to field dress this puncture wound.
- How about just a Band-Aid? - Okay.
They've got a first aid kit at the gas station.
I'll be right back.
Man, there's this big bee out by the garbage.
- What the devil are those? - Descreeto Burritos.
Why are they steaming and reeking? - They're the expensive kind.
- I must have them.
I'll take the whole box.
[ Swallows .]
Exquisite.
- What happened to your hand? - He was bit by that filthy monkey.
Monkey? That's it! Get out! Wait.
You owe me for the burritos.
- Can you break a hundred? - No.
Now, get out.
Out! Sorry I took so long.
There was this big bee.
Leonardo got bit by the monkey.
Now we have to kill him too.
I want you to let this go.
Understand? I understand you're going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you on the ass.
That was from Jaws.
- Hey again, Lando.
- Hey again, Randal.
La cucaracha Quick! Which way is the hospital? - [ Groaning .]
- Right next to the city dump.
[ Announcer .]
Due to the recent lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman over the alleged unauthorized use of his likeness, the face of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's cartoon brain calculation will be played by Al Pacino! Oh, my God! It's happening! - Just like in that-- movie.
- Al Pacino.
Hey, man.
What are you doing? I'm going to call my broker.
- That's a candy phone.
- Right.
Hello? Center for Disease Control? - Hi, it's Randal.
How are ya? Uh-huh.
- [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
We're gonna need a quarantine down here.
Every store in this complex is crawling with the deadly Motaba virus.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Just don't inhale.
- I knew he didn't have a broker.
- [ Door Bell Ringing .]
- How you doin'? You in charge? - If anyone was in charge, it'd be me.
Major Baklava, Center For Disease Control, United States Armed Forces.
We've been alerted to the Motaba outbreak in this block of stores.
- How you doin'? Okay? - Look, there's no outbreak here.
You're victims of an overactive imagination of a pop-culture loudmouth.
Quentin Tarantino? Look, perhaps you should let the scientists and the C.
I.
A.
operatives pretending to be scientists be the judges of that.
From this point forward, we're in control.
Okay, babe? Have you started burning bodies? I want a front row seat for the pyre.
Tell me you haven't burned Dante yet.
Oh, Dante.
You're alive.
Thank God.
Look, there's no Motaba virus here.
That's the virus speaking.
Let's move up his burning.
We haven't been exposed to any virus.
Oh, no? Bring him in.
[ Groaning .]
- Oh, my God! - Oh.
Oh, Plug.
I see a light.
A bright, wonderful light.
Sorry.
Sir, you must help him.
If any of my parts or circuits will help, I'll gladly donate them.
Circuits? What are you, some kind of a robot? Of course not.
It's just an expression.
New program.
Kill the human Randal.
- Hey! - That's just an expression.
All right, boys, if you'll follow me to the command center.
- This is a coffee machine.
- Welcome to the command center.
Now, we're gonna have to draw blood samples to see if you've been infected.
I'm afraid we'll need to take a complete sexual history from both of you.
- What? - It's standard virus procedure.
And here to take your sexual histories are two giggling girls.
- [ Both Giggling .]
- When was the last time you had sex? - About a year ago.
- A year? [ Giggling .]
- This stinks.
- Shut up.
- Maybe we can have sex with them.
- Ew.
This is Tovah Hernandez-Carlson coming to you live from Leonardo, New Jersey, where a hermetically-sealed bubble has surrounded this block of stores known to this neighborhood as "The Block of Stores.
" We go now to city hall.
[ Man .]
Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor.
Good afternoon.
I'm sorry.
I was on my way to a costume party when I got the news of this outbreak, and the zipper on my costume got stuck.
[ Clears Throat .]
We have been able to determine almost positively, uh, that this bubble was erected from beneath the stores by the fierce and dreaded Mole People, who dwell in the earth's core.
- [ Laughing .]
- Very funny, guys.
Dante, if you can hear me, Mommy and Daddy are doing everything they can to get you out alive and safe.
- Bring home the new TV Guide.
- Be more supportive.
Give those Mole People hell, son.
Plug, promise me.
No matter what the papers or anyone else says, you'll tell everyone that I had the Motaba virus.
But, sir, you do have the Motaba virus.
Right.
Motaba, and not something else.
- It is Motaba.
- Of course it is.
What else could have made me so sick and weak? Oh, and Plug, I want you to choose - a suitable picture for my obituary.
- How about this one? No! Absolutely not.
The tabloids will have a field day with that.
Then how about this one? - Perfect.
- So, gentlemen.
- Your blood tests came back clean.
- That's good, right? We don't believe the tests, so we figure you have about 24 hours left to live.
- What? - I knew we were gonna die in this place.
I just thought it would be at each other's hands.
Clerks, since you only have one day left, the government has agreed to make it the best day of your life.
You can do anything you want.
Anything? Can we get two cheeseburgers, no ketchup, and two with no pickles? Hey, these have ketchup on them.
We ordered two cheeseburgers without ketchup, and these have ketchup on them.
[ Randal .]
I don't believe it.
They did it again.
I thought you said two cheeseburgers with ketchup.
- No.
No ketchup.
- Why don't you just wipe it off? "Dear sirs.
On February 13, "we tried to order a cheeseburger with no ketchup "and were treated very rudely by your staff.
"Plus, we never got our cheeseburger and have one day left to live.
Signed, Dante Hicks and Randal Graves.
" Time's up, boys.
Gee, I hope you accomplished everything you wanted to.
If you mail this for us, I'd say we had pretty full lives.
Okay, then.
Other than watching you die, there's really nothing left we can do.
Major, isn't there some way to cure Motaba? Yes, yes, there is.
Burning you alive, actually.
What if we found the host monkey and made an antidote from its blood? I don't know.
I guess.
- Where can we find the infected monkey? - Gerbils, Gerbils, Gerbils.
Patrick Swayze's pet store, a few stores down.
Patrick Swayze? Who is that? - Hello? Patrick? - Everyone's gone, and so is the monkey.
And I think I know just who took him.
Good.
Now, inhale.
[ Coughs .]
Yo, try the lights.
- We're never gonna find that monkey.
- Top of the morning, boys.
Leonardo.
You're looking much better.
Feeling better too.
In fact, I'm even getting my appetite back.
Plug? Hey, aren't those-- Oh, yes, I can feel it.
I'll be back on my feet in no time.
- Oh.
Oh, God.
- [ Stomach Gurgling .]
I don't feel-- Plug! [ Vomiting .]
He was doing so much better.
This does not compute.
Hey, that guy is a robot.
I know.
Everyone's a robot.
They're all trying to kill you.
- This time I'm right.
- Did you sell Leonardo those burritos? - Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
- [ Sighs .]
This is all your fault.
He's sick from the burritos, you idiot! - There never was any virus.
- Oh, you're so sure there's no virus.
I knew it.
You're a robot too! No.
I know there's no virus because you think there is.
Name me one time you've been right about anything.
What about that time I said, "There's two jobs open at the block of stores.
"Excellent pay, huge opportunities for advancement.
We'll do it for six months and then move on"? Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm always wrong.
See? Now, go tell Baklava so we can stop all this.
- Dante was wrong about the outbreak.
- Cool.
- It is? - Yeah.
I just heard from Washington.
In order to control the spread of the virus, in one hour's time this town will be liquidated.
The bomber is on its way here as we speak.
What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? - Hey, fellas, why don't you try-- - Not now, Lando.
- [ Randal .]
Where are we going? - To the roof.
We gotta find that monkey and stop the bomber from destroying our town.
But those two idiots could have that monkey miles from here by now.
[ High-Pitched Voice .]
Be good! Phone home! Phone home! It's only funny if you talk, stupid.
- You see them? - No, but there's that kid in the helmet.
- Look at him.
- That's not very helpful.
We could probably get a better view with that thing.
And I know just who can fly it.
Hey, Lando! - Ready when you are.
- Not you.
The other Lando.
Yo! [ Man .]
Ladies and gentlemen, the chief of police.
Citizens of Leonardo, like the mayor, I too was on my way to a costume party.
But interestingly enough, not the same costume party.
I'm able to remove my costume, but I've decided to wear it as a protection against the outbreak.
That concludes my opening remarks.
I will now take your questions about the virus.
- Who are you supposed to be? - I'm Big Mac, the beloved constable and best friend of Ronald McDonald.
Now, about the virus.
Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice? No-- Yes.
Look, does anyone have a question about the deadly virus that could kill us all? Could the virus kill the Grimace? Nothing can kill the Grimace.
All right, we're done here.
Return home.
Everything will be fine as long as we stay outside the bubble.
I repeat, so long as the bubble is intact, everything is fine.
[ Screaming .]
- What's wrong with them? - Do you see Jay and Silent Bob? No, but that kid in the helmet is banging his head against a fire hydrant.
Look at him.
That's the target.
Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape! That's from Planet of the Apes.
Snoogins.
I just can't stay mad at that monkey.
[ Chittering .]
- What's he doing? - Nicotine fit.
- [ Chittering .]
- What's he doing? - Nicotine fit.
- [ Screaming .]
Dante, can you read me? Dante.
Your only hope is to try to talk to the pilots man to man.
That's it! Quick, change the radio's frequency.
- [ Rock .]
- To their frequency! I'm talking to the pilots in the bomber that is heading towards the Quick Stop.
My name is Dante Hicks.
Please, guys.
You've gotta believe me.
There is no virus in either Quick Stop or Leonardo.
It was a hoax played by an idiot with too much free time on his hands.
- Quentin Tarantino? - Please.
I'm only 27 and I work in a convenience store.
I never really lived, and there's still so much left for me to do.
- And I'm gay.
- Shut up.
I am not gay! Now, wait a second there, Dante.
Sometimes it's hard to "not be gay," especially when you're afraid your friends won't understand.
But we're all different, aren't we? I mean, that's what makes it such a beautiful world-- diversity.
Well, maybe you've been afraid all these years of letting down your parents, or even disillusioning an ex-girlfriend.
But it's okay, son.
It's okay to be gay.
So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm willing to disobey a direct order from my superiors if you're willing to be honest with yourself.
Well, what's it going to be, Dante Hicks of 21 Jackson Street, Leonardo, New Jersey, 07732? Yes, I'm gay.
- [ Laughing .]
- This stinks.
- 'Atta boy.
- Oh, God, I knew it.
[ Giggling .]
Way to go, you beautiful, gay bastard! - Yeah! - Get back to work, Swayze! [ Muttering .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Pilot .]
Washington, this is Echo 7.
We're coming home with payload intact, all thanks to a brave young man-- Gay man.
Sorry.
Brave, young, gay man.
Dante Hicks.
21 Jackson Street, Leonardo, New Jersey, 07732.
You boys stopped a terrible thing from happening.
This town is in your debt.
Especially yours, sugar.
[ Together .]
Bye, Major.
I'm off too.
The pet store business is more trouble than it's worth.
I'm off to L.
A.
to play an irritated neighbor in an Adam Sandler movie.
Wow.
Can you get us his autograph? - No.
- [ Snorting .]
- [ Whinnies .]
- Hi-ho, Roadhouse! Away! - [ Rock .]
- Who's playing that song? Baby She's a hottie, Silent Bob.
I think we're in.
Nong.
So, Lando, now that this is all done, what's on your mind? All right.
Here we go.
Fellas, I-- So I told him, "No way! That'll cost you $20.
" I have a big science test tomorrow.
I hate science.
- [ Charles Barkley .]
Hate science? - Oh, my God! It's NBA all-star Charles Barkley! That's right, kids.
But you shouldn't hate science.
- Science is our friend, and when-- - [ Tires Screeching .]
Get him! We do the "Science Sez" segments.
Got it?