Code Monkeys (2007) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: Yesterday, I felt
like kissing your face ♪
But I punched it instead ♪
Jerry: Dave, I think we did it.
Dave: dude, I know we did it.
Jerry: I mean it.
This game is awesome.
Dave: Awesome?
Ninja Pirate Robots is
the best thing we've ever done.
It's gonna be megatits huge.
Jerry: Yeah. It's a shame we're
not gonna see any of that money.
Larrity is gonna get
rich off of this game.
Dave: Which leads me
to my next point.
- Screw Larrity.
- What?
I say we leave GameaVision,
former our own company,
and as an added bonus
release the game ourselves!
Jerry: You're gonna start
laughing soon, right,
to let me know you're kidding,
right, Dave?
Dave: I've already found
an investor
for our startup costs.
Guess what, pal.
We move into our new offices
this afternoon.
Jerry: What?!
No. We can't leave!
We've got security here
and mediocre insurance.
What if I need to get
something lanced?
Not to mention that this game
technically belongs
to Larrity since we created it
while we were working for him.
If he finds out,
he'll kill us with a gun.
Dave: Jerry, Larrity is
craphouse crazy.
He snacks on venison pops.
He might kill us one day
for taking the last diet soda
or passing out flyers
for a rager at his house.
- I don't know.
- That was you.
Do you really have to ask?
The point, my friend, is that
you have quite literally
been living in the past.
The future is Stonervision.
Jerry: Stonervision?
People are gonna think
we're dealing, Dave.
Dave: That's phase two,
compadre.
Jerry: Well, I will say this.
I haven't seen you put
this much work into anything
since you turned your computer
into a bong.
Dave: Well, that's how much
I believe in you
and in Ninja Pirate Robots!
Jerry: Ninja Robot Pirates.
Dave: Better my way,
but let's stay focused here.
- What do you say?
- Uh, I don't know, man.
Dave, coughing: Homo.
Uh, excuse me.
I said, "homo."
Jerry: It's just that
we have good jobs.
I don't really want to leave.
Dave: Ring, ring. Hello.
Opportunity?
Who are you looking for?
Jerry? Hmm. He was here
a second ago,
but it seemed like he's been
replaced by a big, fat pussy.
No. You don't want to leave
a message?
Oh. You're never gonna
call him again.
Hmm. What are you wearing?
Oh, Opportunity, you are
a dirty girl.
Jerry: All right. Let's do it.
Dave: Yes!
Jerry: Well, the first thing
we need to do is write
a proper letter
of resignation.
We need to leave here without
burning any bridges. Dave?
Larrity: OK. Two words.
First words sounds like "U."
I got it. "You are a douchebag,
and we quit!"
Dave: Exactly.
Larrity: Dave, video charades
is a brilliant idea
for a game.
Put it into production
immediately!
Dave: No. You are the douchebag,
and we quit.
Larrity: I already guessed
your dadgum charade!
Dave: No! You don't get it,
Larrity.
Larrity: Fine, fine.
Both y'all can have a raise.
I realize you're worth a lot
more than I'm paying you.
Jerry: Whoa, Dave, wait.
Maybe we should reconsider this.
Larrity: Reconsider? What
you two sissies yapping about?
Jerry: Mr. Larrity, give us
a second.
Dave, we don't have to do this.
Larrity: What the--ohh! Man!
Dave: Give up, dude!
We quit!
Larrity: Did you say
you're quitting?
Nobody quits, boy,
and nobody sets
my desk on fire but me!
Dave: Jerry, today, we pay
this place back
for the all the crap
we had to deal with,
for tomorrow, we shall be kings!
Come with me to the land
of freedom,
a land filled with handies,
cash,
and water colors filled
with schnapps.
Jerry: I've really enjoyed
working here,
and you've been a real mentor.
Larrity: Dadgum it!
I got to blow off some steam!
I hunted you once, Kyoko.
Now I'm gonna hunt you again.
Steve: Hey, Mr. Larrity.
You want to see me?
Oh, hell, yeah! Die, whitey!
Larrity: Eat those bullets,
you dadgum panda bear!
Two layers of chocolate bars,
sprinkle some sour cream
and onion potato chips.
Oh! Agh!
Can't reachSwiss rolls.
Jerry: Sorry about that, man.
It's been really cool
working with you.
Dave: Come on, Jerry.
You got to get
in the spirit here.
This is your chance to do
whatever messed up thing
you've ever dreamt of doing
to these people.
Let's do it!
Jerry: Oh, my gosh, Dave.
You're right.
I have an idea.
[Dave farts]
Todd: Oh, the old gagmeister.
Mary, hey. I just wanted
to let you know
I think you're very pretty
and extremely intelligent,
and I don't know what you're
doing this weekend,
but if you wanted and I wanted,
maybe you and me
could go out for ice cream
or--or miniature golf.
What I'm trying to say is, Mary,
would you like to watch
a sunset with me?
Dave: Whoo-hoo!
Jerry: So what do you say?
Do we give it a go?
Mary: Oh, yeah. You're on
crack!
Dave: I've been waiting to do
this along time, dude.
You know nothing
about video games,
and you're half a retard!
Now prepare to have
your ass kicked
while I make the sounds
of an angry Asian man.
Hyah dai hooo!
Ugh!
Dean: It's all right, girls.
You can go back to sleep now.
Jerry: Oh. So I guess
you heard we're leaving.
Heh heh heh.
Maybe we could brunch sometime.
I'll just take Dave.
Dave: Who wants my computer?
Here you go!
Clare: Ew. It's all sticky.
Dave: Who wants
my tape collection?
Jerry: You know you can
take that with you, Dave.
Dave: No way, man!
I'm buying all new stuff
with my new money.
Clarence: I call dibs
on the Miami Sound Machine ♪
Dave: They're all yours, dude,
because we're out of here.
Jerry: Whoo-hoo! Stonervision,
here we come!
You sure there's no way
we're ever
coming back here, right?
Dave: Not a chance.
Jerry: Then suck eggs, losers!
Sorry. Was that too harsh, Dave?
Dave: Nah.
Dave: Gah!
Jerry: OK.
Well, it looks like
we only need to sell 10%
of our game stock
to pay off your investor.
It was such a great idea to work
in this old garage, Dave.
We are saving so much money.
Maybe this really was
the right decision.
Dave: Saving money?
Saving's for suckers
and old people, dude.
This old garage is connected
to a kick-ass house I rented.
We're just working out here
because there's no room inside.
Jerry: What?
Dave: Follow me, dude.
Follow me to the promised land.
Oh, and I hope you're not
allergic to heaven.
Jerry: Oh, my God!
Dave: here we have
the zebra room!
Jerry: Dave!
Dave: The arcade room.
Ha ha! Yeah!
Cousin Pac-Man by the way.
This of course
is Nolan Bushnell.
Jerry: What?
Nolan: Hey, man.
You must be Jerry. I'm Nolan.
You want to play
some Atari later?
Jerry: No, thanks. I'm good.
Nolan: What a jerk.
Stay cool always.
Dave: Hey. You should play
Atari with Nolan.
He's costing me, like,
a grand a day.
Jerry: A grand a day?
Dave: You have to play with him
for at least two hours a day
to make it cost-effective.
Jerry: Oh, is that all?
Dave: It's not my rules.
It's math.
Let us continue with le tour.
Putting green. Check!
Underwater room.
Cafeteria. Uh, can I have
3 cheeseburgers,
a birthday cake--ooh--
and a French dip sandwich?
That sounds delightful.
Woman: Right away, Mr. Dave.
Dave: Over here, private zoo.
Jerry: Dave, what the hell
did you do?
You spent all the money we had!
Dave: I spent way more
than that, dude.
Jerry: Oh, my God.
Dave: You got to spend big
to win big, dude.
Ninja Pirate Robots will pay
for this house 10 times over
if the game makes $30 million
and 8 cents.
Jerry: Oh, my God!
Dave: Whoa. Watch it, Jerry.
Don't worry, buddy.
It's not a mistake
you'll make twice, trust me.
Now quit screwing around.
I want to show you
the company jetcopter.
Did I mention it's invisible?
It cost a [beep]load,
but I think it's worth it
because it's invisible.
Jerry: Kill me. Please, God, let
this gorilla kill me right now.
Man: That could probably
be arranged.
Jerry: And who the hell is this?
Dave: Jerry,
this is Tony Dakota,
our chief investor.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, Mr. Dakota.
A--a real pleasure to meet you.
Thanks for the vote
of confidence.
Dakota: This ain't
a vote of confidence, Jerry.
This is my money!
I'll be talking
to you boys soon.
Jerry: Oh, jeez, Dave.
That's our investor?
Dave: Awesome, right?
Dude, he's got a gun,
and he let me feel it.
He put it right on my temple.
Larrity: Dave and Jerry gone,
that's a good thing.
Those two sons of bitches
are like a piddle stain
on this company,
and not unlike the way
you ladies wipe
your unmentionables
after you make a number one,
yeah, we, too, must wipe away
the residue left
by Jerry and Dave.
Well, that's why I'm happy
to introduce to you
our new team of Mike and Sean.
Sean: Hey, everybody.
Ha! Thanks, Mr. Larrity.
Let me start off by saying
what a thrill it is
to be part of such
an innovative company.
Mike: Hear, hear, Sean,
and may I add
we're tickled pink to have
the opportunity
to brainstorm with so many
bright, talented people.
Sean: Ha! I just hope
we can keep it up.
Mike: Fingers crossed.
Todd: Do they expect us
to buy this crap?
Mike: Todd, I hope this
doesn't embarrass you,
but I'm a huge fan
of your game Nacho Time.
Todd: Hmm. You have won
my respect.
Always good to meet a fan.
Sean: And, Mary, at the risk
of getting
on Mr. Larrity's bad side,
I think you're
an underutilized resource.
You're nothing short
of a genius.
Mike: And, may I say,
you're a beautiful genius.
Mary: Heh heh heh.
Sean: We also baked
everyone cookies!
Don't' worry, Black Steve.
We made some lactose-free.
We know how dairy
upsets your belly.
Steve: [Beep], yeah!
Mike: I think he likes it.
Sean: Oh. We ate up
4 good minutes here.
Mike: Yeah. We better work
late tonight.
Larrity: No one else leaves
until they do.
Jerry: Well, uh,
Ninja Robot Pirates
shipped out yesterday.
Dave: Yeah. You told me
that already.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Well, we
probably won't know
the numbers for a little while,
will we?
- Probably not.
- We could brainstorm
some new ideas.
Dave: Sure. You start.
Jerry: So how about
a gameabout space?
Dave: Lame.
Jerry: All right. OK. Um
what about motorcycles?
Dave: Not rad enough.
Jerry: What about food?
Dave: Not hating it.
I like food.
You know who else likes food.
The gang at GameaVision.
Jerry: Yeah. They love food!
Dave: We should go see them
and talk to them about food.
Jerry: Yes.
Mike: Great idea, Mary.
It really makes the game.
I can't believe
how many games you have
in production right now.
Mary: Oh, gee, thanks.
I--I, uh--
Sean: Are you sure you
like this color, Mary?
Because we want you to love it.
Dave: Hey, everybody.
Mary: Ugh. Look who's back.
Jerry: Hey, Mary.
Just wanted to say hi.
Mike: Hey. You must be
the guys who used to work here.
Dave: You guys must be the guys
who like to sit
where I tugged my rug.
Mike: Great meeting you,
but we better get back to work.
Dave: If I could only cough
the world douchebag.
Larrity: Well, well, well,
if it isn't
the two hot-shot
video game tycoons.
Dave: Yes. Yes, we are.
Jerry: Mr. Larrity, Todd,
good to see you.
Just wanted to stop in
and say hi to the old gang.
Larrity: I hear your game
debuted today, fellas. Ha ha!
And based on what I hear,
that thing's moving like a turd
after I eat an entire block
of Romano cheese,
which is to say not at all.
I'm saying you're bankrupt.
Jerry: Oh, no!
Dave: Bull[beep]!
Larrity: Is it, Dave,
or is it possible
I've been bribing Benny here
with Quaaludes
and chewing tobbacy
to go through your trash
on a daily basis,
and if that's possible,
it just might be possible
I called some of my friends
to make sure
your little Stonervision
venture was DOA.
That stands
for dead on your asses, fellas.
Jerry: Dave, dude,
we are so screwed!
Todd: Oh, this is the second
greatest day of my life.
The first greatest day being
the day my father died.
Dave: Wow.
Todd: what? It allowed me
and Mother to finally be alone.
Nothing wrong with that.
Larrity: Whoa. Keep your eye
on that fella.
Now if you boys will excuse me,
I got to go alphabetize
my monkey skulls.
Jerry: Bankrupt. Oh, God.
Dave: Dude, do not sweat it.
Ow! What the [beep], Jerry?
Jerry: Well, I'm very much
sweating it!
We've got to find a way to make
some of that money back.
Think. What about Larrity?
Maybe if we got
our old jobs back.
Dave: Snap out of it.
Jerry: Ow!
Dave: Touché. Look, Jerry.
Larrity's never gonna give
us our jobs back,
not after what we did.
He already replaced us,
and did you see
the wad on that guy?
Dude, he had a python
down there.
Jerry: I don't know.
He couldn't like
Sean and Mike as much
as he likes us.
Larrity: Are you two fans
of Mozart?
Sean: I actually
prefer Beethoven.
Jerry: Give the man
some Beethoven,
and class it up by 10%!
Well, I just wanted to let you
know it's been
a pleasure having you two
as part of the team.
You guys are the best employees
we've ever had at GameaVision.
If there's anything at all
I can do for you,
a-just let me know.
Mike: Actually, sir, there is.
[Deeper voice] We're gonna need
some information.
Sean, deeper voice:
Sir, we're federal agents.
Larrity: Dadgum it,
you sons of bitches!
I knew there was something
rotten about the two of you!
Now is this about that
illegal elephant?
Mike: No.
Larrity: Whoa!
Play it a little closer
to the vest, Big T.
Is this is about
that psychic hotline scam,
the accident
at the shampoo factory,
the white slavery ring,
Three Mile Island,
the wombat mill,
torture academy,
getting them eagles drunk?
I did not know they were
cooking meth
in the back
of that bondage club.
Sean: Stop it. You're under
arrest for tax evasion.
Larrity: Hoo! Talk
about dodging bullets.
Mike: We're ready to
strike a deal.
Larrity: Ha ha! Perfect!
What do you need?
Sean: Your company, your house,
and all your money
unless there's something else
you'd think we'd like better.
Larrity: Play me some Queen
so's I can think.
Nolan: Had a blast, guys.
Dave: Later, Nolan Bushnell.
Jerry: What about Bolecovision?
I heard their admin just left
to go follow Flock of Seagulls.
Dave: Jerry, we're not going
to Bolecovision, dude.
We're gonna leave
the country for a while.
Gonna need this duct tape
and this handgun.
Jerry: How could we have been
so stupid?
Dave: Cans of soup,
coupons for Pizza Time.
Jerry: When is Mr. Dakota
gonna get here?
[Tires squeal]
Dave: Now.
Dakota: Hello, gentlemen.
How are you doing this fine day?
Dave: Tony, everything's
going really cool.
Hey, buddy.
Can I get you something,
maybe, like, an apple pie
or a giant bean bag chair
shaped like tits?
Dakota: No thank you, David.
I would just like to
get my money
and be on my way.
Jerry: About that. There's been
just a little glitch
in the money.
Jerry: Is your name David, too?
- No. I'm--
- Then why are you talking?
If I wanted to hear from you,
I would have spoken to you.
Do you understand, huh?
Dave: Dude, why do you
always do that?
Jerry: It's not my fault.
My bladder is
easily intimidated.
Dakota: Now, David, why don't
you just hand me
my 300,000,
and I will be on my way.
Dave: Here's the deal. Ow!
What the--ow!
Listen, man. There's a slight
problem, Tony, with--ow!
Why does everybody
keep slapping me?
Jerry: Because you're
a douchebag.
Dave: Look, dude.
We don't have your money.
Dakota: I see, I see.
Well, you're going to
have to rectify the situation
in, let's say, 24 hours.
Jerry: We could probably
swing it if you let us
roll it in
with our student loans.
Dakota: And I could probably
cut off your heads
and bring them to your mothers
so they can kiss
their babies' asses, OK?
Dave: How are you gonna make
our mother kiss
our own asses if you bring them
our heads?
Dakota: You have 24 hours!
Jerry: 24 hours sounds
very fair.
Dakota: Thank you, David.
Until we meet again.
Dave: What the hell?
Jerry: Dave, when you made
some calls
to find our investor--
Dave: I didn't really
call anybody.
I just asked my buddy Jamie
if he knew anybody
with big money.
- The pot dealer Jamie?
- Uh-huh.
Jerry: And the guy he knows
with big money
is probably his drug connection?
Dave: Wow. You are
really putting
the pieces together, Magnum P.I.
Jerry: So what you're saying
is that we borrowed
$300,012 from a drug lord?!
Dave: I don't think he's
really a lord.
Maybe a prince or a sultan.
Jerry: Dave, even when we sell
everything that's left here,
we're still in the hock,
like--oh, God!
Dave: Look, dude.
We'll figure it out.
This is America.
There's got to be, like,
a million ways to make money
in 24 hours,
and if not, I hear
the afterlife is pretty sweet.
Jerry: I don't feel
so good, Dave.
Dave: Get back in there, dude.
We're up $200.
We only have a few more
gallons to go.
That's a wall, dude.
The door's over there.
Strike two, bro.
That's--that's a window.
Still the wall, dude.
That's weird, dude.
Your face is cut,
but you're not bleeding.
Dude? Dude?
OK, dude. We put every cent
of our savings--
Jerry: You don't have
any savings!
Dave: We put every cent
of your savings
on Daddy's Little Whore to show.
Jerry: That's $20,000.
Dave: And the odds are 7-9, man.
Jerry: Is that good?
Dave: Yeah. I have no idea.
Announcer: And they're off.
Payback a Drug Lord is
off to a fast start.
Jerry: Why didn't you bet
on that horse?
Dave: Shh. Here comes our horse.
Announcer: And bringing up
the rear is
Daddy's Little Whore.
[Neighs, bone cracks]
Don't worry, folks.
That horse will be
just fine, see?
Dave: Don't kill him.
Let him feel the pain!
You stupid piece
of [beep] horse!
Jerry: There's only one thing
left to do.
Dave: Get on the ground,
everybody!
We're the Secretaries
of the United States,
and this is a robbery!
Guard: Yo. You guys'
nickname is terrible.
Just call yourselves
The Secretaries of State.
Jerry: Shut up. Just put
the money in this bag,
and no one will get hurt.
Dave: Correction. Even if you
give us your money,
we will shoot you in the face.
That's how crazy we are!
Look at me!
I'm Alexander Haig, bitches!
Jerry: You're all safe.
He doesn't mean that.
These guns are made of licorice.
- Shut up, Jerry.
- [Beep] you, Dave.
My name is Henry Kissinger!
Jerry: Oh, yeah? Well, you look
like your name
is Joe I'm Screwing
Everything Up
because I'm a huge pussy!
Man: Freeze. F.B.I!
Second man: You're under
arrest, you filthy degenerates.
Dave: Whoa.
Second man: Now take off
your clothes so I can
scrub you clean with my tongue
like a cat.
Jerry: OK, Dave.
On the count of 3--hey!
Stop him before he gets away!
Man: You're right,
Mr. Secretary.
Hold it right there, bad dude!
Second man: You want to
dance, Nancy?
Let's dance.
Dave: Mr. Larrity, I know
this might seem like
we're groveling,
but let me say this.
I know that we set
your desk on fire.
Jerry: No. You set his desk
on fire.
Dave: Will you let me finish?
OK. I set your desk on fire,
but maybe you taught us
to be this way--
hard-edged, cutthroat
businessmen.
Maybe we were just
trying to make you proud.
I mean, would you have been
ashamed of me
if I hadn't set your desk
on fire?
Larrity: Well, Dave, you do
have a valid point there.
So what's all this about
between businessmen?
Dave: We need to borrow
a bunch of money.
Jerry: It'd be just a drop
in the bucket
for such a successful man
as your self, Mr. Larrity, sir.
Larrity: How much
are we talking?
[Dave whispers]
Ha ha ha! Oh! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, ho! Ah, ha ha ha!
Yes. Ha ha ha!
Sorry, boys.
I gots my own problems.
Jerry: Please, Mr. Larrity,
you got to help us.
Dave got our company funded
by a drug lord,
and if we don't get
his money back,
he's gonna do something bad
with our heads
and our asses and moms
and something else
I didn't fully understand.
I'm pretty sure it's
gonna be not good, though.
Larrity: Hold it
a doggone minute.
Did you say he got funded
by a
Mike: Drug lord?
Larrity: Bona fide,
and my boys and are willing
to deliver him
right to you provided
of course we forget
about that other little matter.
Sean: The bondage club meth lab?
Larrity: No. The thing you
were actually gonna
charge me with,
the tax evasion thingy.
So what do you say, boys?
Sean: Drugs are bad.
Mike: Drugs are really bad.
Sean: Maybe the worst.
Mike: Definitely the worst.
Dave: Worse than tax evasion?
Mike: Totally worse than
tax evasion.
Dave: Do you think drugs
are worse than genocide?
Mike: Uh, yeah.
Dave: What about nuclear war?
Ooh. What about AIDS?
Oh, what about rogue
nuclear scientists with AIDS
raping babies?
Sean: You, what are you
doing there?
Dave: Kissing my computer.
Sean: Look as representatives
of the federal government,
there's no question in our minds
that drugs are
the worst thing that's ever
happened on planet Earth ever.
Mike: That's a roger, Sean,
and in a big white house
on Pennsylvania Avenue,
there's a beautiful lady
named Nancy who agrees with us.
Larrity: So we got a deal?
Sean: Deal.
[Tires squeal]
Dakota: David, David!
I presume you're here
because you have my money.
Dave: Actually, Mr. Dakota,
the notorious drug dealer
who has illegal cash and drugs,
we do not actually
have your money.
Dakota: Oh, no, you didn't!
Jerry: Oh, yes, he did.
Help! We need someone with guns!
Sean: You are all under arrest.
Dakota: I knew this was a setup!
That's the way you want to play,
you no good sons of bitches,
then say hello
to my little friend!
Friend: Hola, Tony.
Jerry: This is it, dude.
We're finally gonna die,
and it's all your fault.
Dave: I love you, man.
Just so you know, I kissed you
when you were sleeping one time,
but it was just a joke.
Jerry: You did what, Dave?!
A joke for--ow!
I just got shot in the ass.
Oh, God, that hurts.
Larrity: Nice work, boys.
Dean, take these corpses
over to the usual place.
Dean: Sure thing, Dad.
Larrity: Well, I guess we
both got each other out
of a little jam today.
Dave: I agree,
and you know what I'm thinking?
Maybe we should just let
bygones be bygones,
and, uh, you can give us
our jobs back.
Larrity: I could probably
arrange that.
Jerry: Eww.
Larrity: However, we cannot have
any bad feelings
over the way y'all left,
so if you boys want
your jobs back,
you're gonna have to make
some amends
to the rest of your co-workers.
Dave: What do you mean
make amends?
Jerry: this is cruel
and unusual punishment.
Dave: Why did Todd have to
get kicked out
of his D&D group?
Todd: Prithee good morrow
to thee, fine sirs.
My name is Pardue,
and I am the traveler of Jorrow.
I have wandered a great distance
to trade my potions
for you herbs and coin.
What say you?
Dave: I am San-dow, bearer
of the herb.
Jerry: And I am Penlock,
dark elf.
Todd: Come. Let there be dancing
and merriment!
[Playing jaunty melody]
I don't see dancing
or merriment.
Will you get your act
together, fellas?
Dancewith each other.
Larrity: Yeeha!
Looks like we got ourselves
a cuddlefest!
Hey, everybody. Come take a look
at the two dancing fairies!
[Laughter]
[Elephant trumpets]
Todd: Ha! The old gagmeister.
[Exhales]