Complete and Utter History of Britain (1969) s01e03 Episode Script
Edward the First to Richard the Last
1
BELL RINGS
NARRATOR: 1307.
Edward I lies on his deathbed.
Warwick.
WEAKLY: Warwick!
My dearest friend.
There's something
I've always wanted to say.
And now, at last, I can.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob
wllllantysiliogogogoch!
Oh!
That was good, Your Majesty.
# The complete and utter
history Of Britain
# The complete and utter
history Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
This complete and utter history. ♪
Episode Three. ♪
Good evening.
And welcome, once again,
to The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain.
Tonight you join us
in the 14th century.
The date - 1337.
Edward III has led England
into a long series of bitter wars
with France.
The conflict became known as
the Hundred Years War,
owing to its length.
And to give you some idea,
the excitement and glamour
of this epic struggle
for the domination of a continent,
over to Professor Weaver.
ALARM BLARES
Oh.
May I start by saying
how terribly happy I was
when I was asked to talk to you
about the Hundred Years War?
Because it's my pet subject.
That and cooking, I love cooking.
And I love the Hundred Years War.
But, you know, historians are
still divided on so many points.
I mean, should you use garlic
with lamb?
And is celery binding, you see?
Or should trout have friends?
But, of course,
cooking has about as much relevance
to the Hundred Years War
as bird-watching.
That curious hobby
which used to take me out on long
trips across the Sussex marshes.
Dressed only in my Wellington boots
and my binoculars.
What amazing things I saw.
The magnificent flight of
the marsh heron,
as he swept, swooped
his way across the sky.
And then suddenly stalled,
plummeted to earth,
in a great column of flame, with
three Messerschmitts on his tail.
They were exciting days.
Alone out there on the sand dunes,
with Irene,
my dachshund.
And my faithful fiancee, Fido.
We had such exciting times,
searching for plovers' eggs
and re-enacting scenes from the
Hundred Years War.
Hundred Years War.
I'm sorry. The Hundred Years War
was fought
right across the most fertile
food-producing regions of France.
From Normandy,
of the creamy white cheeses,
to Roquefort, Camembert,
to the truffles of Perigord,
and the full-blooded wines
of Burgundy, Bordeaux and the Seine.
The Seine trout.
And the mad salmon!
I'm slathering, I must have a
small bite, if you'll excuse me.
I usually allow myself
a small repast at this hour.
I always find Hundred Years War
so entirely satisfying.
It goes on and on for so long, yes,
never too much of it for me.
Oh, excuse me.
Next week, I shall be talking to you
about the financial stricture of
Tudor England structure, sorry.
And, of course, the workings of the
Poor Law.
When they used to give
away food free!
Stupid fools.
Not me, they.
Sure.
APPLAUSE
The year of the Black Death.
The deadly plague
swept over the country.
But in the 14th century,
doctors were totally unprepared
for an epidemic of this nature.
Their lack of medical equipment
was only matched by their lack
of medical knowledge.
HE SIGHS
BIRD CHITTERS
Well, Sir Montague, it doesn't look
like we can do much else for you.
You'd better stay there
until we can have you cleared away.
Next, please.
Ooh, oh
Oh, ooh.
What's your trouble this time?
Well, Doctor, I fell ten foot
off a cart onto a stone floor.
Ah, Black Death.
Lots of it about.
Here, swallow a live newt,
you'll soon be better.
You gave me a newt
last time, Doctor.
And I brought it up, and a hedgehog!
Well, if you will swallow hedgehogs.
You told me to.
What for?
Indigestion.
No, no, no.
Squirrels for indigestion!
Hedgehogs are for constipation.
Just, just
Just slip your jacket off,
let me look.
Yes.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Good material.
Now, have you had
the Black Death before?
I haven't got the Black Death, Doctor.
That's all boils and sores
and headaches.
Oh, is it really?
How very unpleasant.
And you haven't got it?
No, I've got a pain in me leg.
Oh, you're still taking the toads?
Yes, but they don't
seem to be doing any good.
Oh, I see. Well, where does it hurt?
It's me knee, Doctor.
Your knee?
Erm
HE CLEARS THROA
Would you mind showing me
where that is on the map?
Yes, Doctor, it's there.
Oh!
That's the knee, is it?
Well, if that's the knee,
what's that bit?
Those are elbows, Doctor.
Elbows?
Not tonsils?
No, Doctor.
Oh, dear.
No wonder his arms fell off.
Oh, well, only one thing for it.
What's that, Doctor?
Dead pigeons.
Oh, no!
Pigeons! Wrap them round your legs
before you go to bed.
But first of all,
smear your body with moss
and fresh turnip juice
from Pilchard's Meadow.
Oh, no. And put 16
earthworms under your pillow
and a dead bat in your tea.
Not the bat, no!
On the third Sunday
after the first full moon,
dance naked round the fairy circle.
Then nip down to the magic sycamore
in Carver's Wood.
Ask for Ned, the creepy goblin.
Ooh!
And will he cure it, Doctor?
No, but he'll give you some
penicillin to take the pain away.
Next, please!
APPLAUSE
And now, our Heroes Of History
competition.
A random selection of my friends
were asked to give points out of a
hundred for their favourite heroes.
And here are the results so far.
Bottom was Bede, with .5%.
Julius Caesar next, with 18%.
Boadicea
and Cliff Michelmore - 24%.
That's quite a surprise, that one.
But overwhelmingly first
was Henry V.
And he wins a holiday for two
in the Potteries.
Henry V, son of Henry IV,
parts I and II,
was born to be a hero.
A young and glamorous warrior king,
Shakespeare's portrait of him
is perhaps the most acted part
on the English stage today.
But what was Henry V really like?
Come back with me to the year 1415
and the Battle of Harfleur.
FANFARE
SOLDIERS CLAMOUR
Once more unto the breach,
dear friends, once more.
Or fill the wall up
with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing
so becomes a man as
Prompt.
MAN: Modest stillness.
Modest stillness!
modest stillness and humility.
SWORDS CLANK
Oh, hello.
We, in the English Army,
are very keen on amateur dramatics.
At the moment, we are rehearsing
the Battle of Harfleur.
Next week, we're going on to do
the Battle of Agincourt.
Which is a super scene, and I'm not
just saying that because I win.
Anyway,
if you'll excuse me a moment,
the men'll be in battle soon,
and I haven't quite finished
exalting them. OK?
Stick around.
Now, then, troops.
Troops!
A word about make-up.
Don't just slap it on,
use it to highlight the features,
bring out the natural
shape of the face.
And the same with costumes.
Don't overdress.
And one final thing,
remember to give all the shields
back to Ken
at the end of the battle.
All right?
Well, let's get in line
and take it from the top.
HE CLAPS ONCE
And cue battle.
FANFARE
Once more unto the breach,
once more.
Or close the wall up for England.
Come on, Sandy, love,
where are you?
I like that, Alan, love,
keep hitting.
In peace there's nothing
so becomes a man
Hey!
You're supposed to be leading an
infantry charge, not a choir outing.
Look a bit fiercer, for God's sake!
HENRY GRUNTS
Ooh, you brute!
Stiffen the sinews,
summon up the blood,
disguise fair nature with
Frank, come on!
Stiffen, stiffen, that's it.
Nice and rigid!
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect!
Doug? Dougie, love, can you lend it,
lend it? Head up.
Mm. Terrible. Mm!
Fathers that,
like so many Alexanders
Get back!
I say!
have in these parts
from morn till even
Hold it! Hold it!
I'm sorry.
It's the French again.
They've got all the moves wrong.
Excusez-moi, duckies!
But we win, remember!
And you've got to move back
much quicker than that.
THEY GROAN
You have, my loves, because we win.
Oh, no.
We've been over all this before.
You start to move back.
On my line,
"Fathers, like so many Alexanders."
THEY SCOFF
I did not say it wrong!
FRENCH SOLDIERS CLAMOUR
All right, well, you try and say it.
You couldn't even hold
a lance properly,
let alone deal
with a 34-line speech.
HE SCOFFS
Le boeuf!
Ooh!
Don't you dare call me that!
When you've been acting
for 12 years,
you can say something like that.
THEY MUMBLE
Right, that does it!
Come on, lads,
real swords this time.
We'll show these French how to act.
You bitches!
ROARING
APPLAUSE
Hello again.
The year is 1422,
the throne of England passes
to Henry VI.
At this time, he was a mere babe
in arms, only nine months old.
This infant king
was soon dubbed, by the rough and
ready wit of his fellow Englishmen,
the Infant King.
The qualities he showed as a child
stayed with him all his life.
He was humble, simple, devout.
And despised by everybody.
Except, perhaps, by Humphrey,
Duke of Gloucester.
The Lord Protector.
Or Nan-Nan, as he was known.
Such a weak ruler
was a sharp contrast
to the ruthful, the ruthless,
I should say, pragmatist
who seized the throne in 1483 -
Richard III.
Who is so often connected
with the death of his nephews,
the princes, in the tower.
But could Richard really
have been involved?
Could he have been such a monster?
THUNDER BOOMS
What time was the baby-sitter
meant to come?
About an hour ago.
Well,
we simply can't wait any longer,
we'll just have to go.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ah! About time too.
Good evening.
Who are you?
I'm the baby-sitter.
The baby-sitter.
Oh, thank goodness you've arrived.
We were beginning to think
you weren't coming.
Not coming? What do you mean,
not coming?!
So you think I'm a liar?
No, no, it's just that
Miss Phillips at the agency
said you'd be here by seven.
One hour late, one hour.
Is it a crime? Is it a scene, huh?
No, no, I'm sure my husband
didn't mean anything like that.
Mr?
King!
King, I'm King!
Mr King.
Well, look, Mr King, we must be off.
There's a chicken in the kitchen
for you. A dead chicken?
Well, yes, of course.
No, I kill my own food
with my own hands.
Slowly!
Oh, I see, fine.
Well, that should keep you busy.
If there's anything you want,
just let us know. Yes!
A knife, two pillows
and a piece of rope.
Yes. Could you get Mr King
a knife, please, dear?
A large knife!
And there's a couple of pillows
on our bed you can use.
And there's a rope in the chest.
Ah!
Good. Ha-ha.
Good.
Now, where are they?
Oh, yes, of course, you'll be
wanting to see the children.
They're asleep in the next room.
Bless their little souls.
Amen!
Don't they look little angels?
Sleeping there so peacefully.
Do you like children, Mr King?
When I can get them
Get on with them.
CHUCKLING
The little dears!
Well, look, we really must be off.
We leave them in your hands.
I hope they don't
cause you any trouble.
Oh, they won't.
Do they, er, scream much?
Oh, no, I'm sure
they won't disturb you. Good, good.
Darling, I know
you're going to think me silly,
but there's just something
I don't like about him.
No, nonsense, he's probably just
a rather lonely person.
I'm sure he's going to frighten
the children.
Well, they probably won't see him.
CHILDREN SCREAM
Damn! They saw me.
Oh, you naughty children!
Damn, the brats, they've ruined it!
Yes, they are going to make us
a bit late, I'm afraid.
I'll tear them limb from limb!
Oh, come, come.
Don't be so hard on them.
They're probably just, probably just
a little frightened by your hunch!
Don't mention that!
Don't even look at it,
it drives me mad!
Mad!
Mad, I say, mad!
I'm sure they'll be all right now.
Ah, that's nice, Mr King.
Making yourself at home.
Yes.
Nice and comfy.
Now go, go.
Yes, come on, we can't wait a minute
longer. We'll be back about one.
Yes, yes. Get out!
Goodbye.
Get out,
before they start screaming
in earnest!
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, I'm very pleased he turned up.
I wouldn't like to have left those
children by themselves. Yes.
CHILDREN SCREAM
Oh, dear.
They're going to be difficult.
BOTH: Poor Mr King.
Argh!
Argh! Get it off!
CHILDREN SCREAM HAPPILY
Argh!
MR KING SCREAMS
APPLAUSE
The death of Richard III
marked the end
of the Wars of the Roses.
Richard died in the mud
at Bosworth Field in 1485.
But tonight, Professor Weaver
sheds new light
on this final defeat of the
House of York. Professor Weaver.
Oh, hello.
I'm going to talk to you about
the Battle of Bosworth Field.
But before I do,
I want to show you a letter.
Now, it's a letter that was,
erm, written from the field,
Battle of Bosworth Field,
by an unknown soldier
whose name escapes me at the moment.
Written to his mother.
And in it, he gives vivid
descriptions of the actual battle.
The very death of Richard the
Richard III.
Of course, yeah.
Now, this is the actual
Oh, now, that's typical.
Now, where did I?
I'm sorry about this, but it's
rather important I find it.
It may be less
important to you than to me,
but I'd like to see it
before I continue.
Oh, this is too much.
Bosworth Field, of course,
is in Leicestershire.
As, of course, is
Er
Leicester.
I suppose.
Oh, yes.
Now
That's more like it.
Erm
HE CHUCKLES
Oh
Twinkle.
Oh, she was a fun girl.
I'm sure I had something once
and she got it.
Now, let's look in the files.
Oh.
That's typical, you see.
No wonder there's chaos,
fancy putting a cat in under H.
Better leave it in there,
otherwise I'll never find it,
not that I'm likely
to look in there again.
Bosworth Field, as I said,
is directly west of, erm
Leicester, and, er
there's a very charming
little man down there.
Give him a couple of shillings,
he'll show you round
the whole field.
For a couple of shillings more,
he'll give you a couple
of postcards, some of which
It's filthy up here, you know,
absolutely disgusting.
I'll have to get the whole place
taken down.
I've no idea
where the darned letter is.
I say, it's near Nuneaton,
Bosworth Field, if you're interested
in finding Bosworth Field.
I'm more interested in finding
the letter at this moment.
It's nowhere near Crouch End,
of course,
where I have a cousin,
also a Weaver.
Nor near Deptford,
where I have lunch on Mon
Look, I don't think
I'm gonna find it.
Why don't you try
turning on to the other channel?
Maybe it's more interesting there.
Erm, look, I wish you'd go away.
Give a man bit of privacy.
Heaven's sake.
Mercifully, we seem to
have lost Professor Weaver.
So, let us turn to a subject
which fired men's imaginations
throughout the Middle Ages,
courtly love. Found it!
Just before Geoffrey Chaucer
died in 1400,
he completed a film
Found it!
which deals frankly and fearlessly
with the difficult problems
of courtly love.
I found it. Isn't that lucky?
Yes, extremely.
Now, would you mind?
It was in my raincoat pocket
all the time.
I never wear it.
Now, erm
Would you mind if I?
Oh, dear.
Yes. Dated Monday.
It says, "Dear Mother,
I'm terribly excited,
"as I shall be appearing
on television tomorrow.
"The"
Oh
Oh, dear.
Thank you, Professor Weaver.
APPLAUSE
And now for our first-ever
viewing of the unpublished film
Geoffrey Chaucer's
Rules Of Courtly Love.
WISTFUL MEDIEVAL MUSIC
It is the desire of every knight
to enter into the bliss
of courtly love.
BIRDSONG
PING
PING
And for to prosper in his endeavour,
better it is that he should follow
certain rules thereto.
HE EXHALES
BIRDSONG
First, must he find a lady
whose beauty draws him to her,
as if by magic.
SCREECHING
TAPE WHIRRS
And smite of him to the heart.
GONG
Then should he seek to gain
her notice
by what means he may.
HE WOLF-WHISTLES
To then, should he contrive
to let her know
the feelings that control his press.
Now would he win her,
he must change his horse
for a noble steed of purest white.
He must dress
according to the fashion.
With shorter gown
and longer sleeves.
Now we see fit to show
himself before his lady fair.
RIPPING
And though she bid modesty,
her blushes bleak
his first approach.
If all should fail,
let him tell her
that he is her slave
if she would but grant him
a single smile.
Then may he sup the truth
of courtly love.
APPLAUSE
So much for courtly love,
a way of life
that was soon to disappear,
as Britain moved out of the Middle
Ages and into the modern world
under the leadership
of the Tudor kings.
So join us again next week and
Gasp at the amazing rise
of the Tudor monarchs!
Boo the Pope!
Boo!
POPE GASPS
Cringe before Cardinal Wolsey,
the most powerful man in England!
THUNDER RUMBLES
See Anne Boleyn
And Henry VIII battin'!
Yes!
All this, and Sir Thomas More,
in next week's Complete
And Utter History Of Britain.
APPLAUSE
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
# Complete and utter history
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
This complete and utter history! ♪
COIN CLINKS
Thank you, thank you very much.
BELL RINGS
NARRATOR: 1307.
Edward I lies on his deathbed.
Warwick.
WEAKLY: Warwick!
My dearest friend.
There's something
I've always wanted to say.
And now, at last, I can.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob
wllllantysiliogogogoch!
Oh!
That was good, Your Majesty.
# The complete and utter
history Of Britain
# The complete and utter
history Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
This complete and utter history. ♪
Episode Three. ♪
Good evening.
And welcome, once again,
to The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain.
Tonight you join us
in the 14th century.
The date - 1337.
Edward III has led England
into a long series of bitter wars
with France.
The conflict became known as
the Hundred Years War,
owing to its length.
And to give you some idea,
the excitement and glamour
of this epic struggle
for the domination of a continent,
over to Professor Weaver.
ALARM BLARES
Oh.
May I start by saying
how terribly happy I was
when I was asked to talk to you
about the Hundred Years War?
Because it's my pet subject.
That and cooking, I love cooking.
And I love the Hundred Years War.
But, you know, historians are
still divided on so many points.
I mean, should you use garlic
with lamb?
And is celery binding, you see?
Or should trout have friends?
But, of course,
cooking has about as much relevance
to the Hundred Years War
as bird-watching.
That curious hobby
which used to take me out on long
trips across the Sussex marshes.
Dressed only in my Wellington boots
and my binoculars.
What amazing things I saw.
The magnificent flight of
the marsh heron,
as he swept, swooped
his way across the sky.
And then suddenly stalled,
plummeted to earth,
in a great column of flame, with
three Messerschmitts on his tail.
They were exciting days.
Alone out there on the sand dunes,
with Irene,
my dachshund.
And my faithful fiancee, Fido.
We had such exciting times,
searching for plovers' eggs
and re-enacting scenes from the
Hundred Years War.
Hundred Years War.
I'm sorry. The Hundred Years War
was fought
right across the most fertile
food-producing regions of France.
From Normandy,
of the creamy white cheeses,
to Roquefort, Camembert,
to the truffles of Perigord,
and the full-blooded wines
of Burgundy, Bordeaux and the Seine.
The Seine trout.
And the mad salmon!
I'm slathering, I must have a
small bite, if you'll excuse me.
I usually allow myself
a small repast at this hour.
I always find Hundred Years War
so entirely satisfying.
It goes on and on for so long, yes,
never too much of it for me.
Oh, excuse me.
Next week, I shall be talking to you
about the financial stricture of
Tudor England structure, sorry.
And, of course, the workings of the
Poor Law.
When they used to give
away food free!
Stupid fools.
Not me, they.
Sure.
APPLAUSE
The year of the Black Death.
The deadly plague
swept over the country.
But in the 14th century,
doctors were totally unprepared
for an epidemic of this nature.
Their lack of medical equipment
was only matched by their lack
of medical knowledge.
HE SIGHS
BIRD CHITTERS
Well, Sir Montague, it doesn't look
like we can do much else for you.
You'd better stay there
until we can have you cleared away.
Next, please.
Ooh, oh
Oh, ooh.
What's your trouble this time?
Well, Doctor, I fell ten foot
off a cart onto a stone floor.
Ah, Black Death.
Lots of it about.
Here, swallow a live newt,
you'll soon be better.
You gave me a newt
last time, Doctor.
And I brought it up, and a hedgehog!
Well, if you will swallow hedgehogs.
You told me to.
What for?
Indigestion.
No, no, no.
Squirrels for indigestion!
Hedgehogs are for constipation.
Just, just
Just slip your jacket off,
let me look.
Yes.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Good material.
Now, have you had
the Black Death before?
I haven't got the Black Death, Doctor.
That's all boils and sores
and headaches.
Oh, is it really?
How very unpleasant.
And you haven't got it?
No, I've got a pain in me leg.
Oh, you're still taking the toads?
Yes, but they don't
seem to be doing any good.
Oh, I see. Well, where does it hurt?
It's me knee, Doctor.
Your knee?
Erm
HE CLEARS THROA
Would you mind showing me
where that is on the map?
Yes, Doctor, it's there.
Oh!
That's the knee, is it?
Well, if that's the knee,
what's that bit?
Those are elbows, Doctor.
Elbows?
Not tonsils?
No, Doctor.
Oh, dear.
No wonder his arms fell off.
Oh, well, only one thing for it.
What's that, Doctor?
Dead pigeons.
Oh, no!
Pigeons! Wrap them round your legs
before you go to bed.
But first of all,
smear your body with moss
and fresh turnip juice
from Pilchard's Meadow.
Oh, no. And put 16
earthworms under your pillow
and a dead bat in your tea.
Not the bat, no!
On the third Sunday
after the first full moon,
dance naked round the fairy circle.
Then nip down to the magic sycamore
in Carver's Wood.
Ask for Ned, the creepy goblin.
Ooh!
And will he cure it, Doctor?
No, but he'll give you some
penicillin to take the pain away.
Next, please!
APPLAUSE
And now, our Heroes Of History
competition.
A random selection of my friends
were asked to give points out of a
hundred for their favourite heroes.
And here are the results so far.
Bottom was Bede, with .5%.
Julius Caesar next, with 18%.
Boadicea
and Cliff Michelmore - 24%.
That's quite a surprise, that one.
But overwhelmingly first
was Henry V.
And he wins a holiday for two
in the Potteries.
Henry V, son of Henry IV,
parts I and II,
was born to be a hero.
A young and glamorous warrior king,
Shakespeare's portrait of him
is perhaps the most acted part
on the English stage today.
But what was Henry V really like?
Come back with me to the year 1415
and the Battle of Harfleur.
FANFARE
SOLDIERS CLAMOUR
Once more unto the breach,
dear friends, once more.
Or fill the wall up
with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing
so becomes a man as
Prompt.
MAN: Modest stillness.
Modest stillness!
modest stillness and humility.
SWORDS CLANK
Oh, hello.
We, in the English Army,
are very keen on amateur dramatics.
At the moment, we are rehearsing
the Battle of Harfleur.
Next week, we're going on to do
the Battle of Agincourt.
Which is a super scene, and I'm not
just saying that because I win.
Anyway,
if you'll excuse me a moment,
the men'll be in battle soon,
and I haven't quite finished
exalting them. OK?
Stick around.
Now, then, troops.
Troops!
A word about make-up.
Don't just slap it on,
use it to highlight the features,
bring out the natural
shape of the face.
And the same with costumes.
Don't overdress.
And one final thing,
remember to give all the shields
back to Ken
at the end of the battle.
All right?
Well, let's get in line
and take it from the top.
HE CLAPS ONCE
And cue battle.
FANFARE
Once more unto the breach,
once more.
Or close the wall up for England.
Come on, Sandy, love,
where are you?
I like that, Alan, love,
keep hitting.
In peace there's nothing
so becomes a man
Hey!
You're supposed to be leading an
infantry charge, not a choir outing.
Look a bit fiercer, for God's sake!
HENRY GRUNTS
Ooh, you brute!
Stiffen the sinews,
summon up the blood,
disguise fair nature with
Frank, come on!
Stiffen, stiffen, that's it.
Nice and rigid!
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect!
Doug? Dougie, love, can you lend it,
lend it? Head up.
Mm. Terrible. Mm!
Fathers that,
like so many Alexanders
Get back!
I say!
have in these parts
from morn till even
Hold it! Hold it!
I'm sorry.
It's the French again.
They've got all the moves wrong.
Excusez-moi, duckies!
But we win, remember!
And you've got to move back
much quicker than that.
THEY GROAN
You have, my loves, because we win.
Oh, no.
We've been over all this before.
You start to move back.
On my line,
"Fathers, like so many Alexanders."
THEY SCOFF
I did not say it wrong!
FRENCH SOLDIERS CLAMOUR
All right, well, you try and say it.
You couldn't even hold
a lance properly,
let alone deal
with a 34-line speech.
HE SCOFFS
Le boeuf!
Ooh!
Don't you dare call me that!
When you've been acting
for 12 years,
you can say something like that.
THEY MUMBLE
Right, that does it!
Come on, lads,
real swords this time.
We'll show these French how to act.
You bitches!
ROARING
APPLAUSE
Hello again.
The year is 1422,
the throne of England passes
to Henry VI.
At this time, he was a mere babe
in arms, only nine months old.
This infant king
was soon dubbed, by the rough and
ready wit of his fellow Englishmen,
the Infant King.
The qualities he showed as a child
stayed with him all his life.
He was humble, simple, devout.
And despised by everybody.
Except, perhaps, by Humphrey,
Duke of Gloucester.
The Lord Protector.
Or Nan-Nan, as he was known.
Such a weak ruler
was a sharp contrast
to the ruthful, the ruthless,
I should say, pragmatist
who seized the throne in 1483 -
Richard III.
Who is so often connected
with the death of his nephews,
the princes, in the tower.
But could Richard really
have been involved?
Could he have been such a monster?
THUNDER BOOMS
What time was the baby-sitter
meant to come?
About an hour ago.
Well,
we simply can't wait any longer,
we'll just have to go.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ah! About time too.
Good evening.
Who are you?
I'm the baby-sitter.
The baby-sitter.
Oh, thank goodness you've arrived.
We were beginning to think
you weren't coming.
Not coming? What do you mean,
not coming?!
So you think I'm a liar?
No, no, it's just that
Miss Phillips at the agency
said you'd be here by seven.
One hour late, one hour.
Is it a crime? Is it a scene, huh?
No, no, I'm sure my husband
didn't mean anything like that.
Mr?
King!
King, I'm King!
Mr King.
Well, look, Mr King, we must be off.
There's a chicken in the kitchen
for you. A dead chicken?
Well, yes, of course.
No, I kill my own food
with my own hands.
Slowly!
Oh, I see, fine.
Well, that should keep you busy.
If there's anything you want,
just let us know. Yes!
A knife, two pillows
and a piece of rope.
Yes. Could you get Mr King
a knife, please, dear?
A large knife!
And there's a couple of pillows
on our bed you can use.
And there's a rope in the chest.
Ah!
Good. Ha-ha.
Good.
Now, where are they?
Oh, yes, of course, you'll be
wanting to see the children.
They're asleep in the next room.
Bless their little souls.
Amen!
Don't they look little angels?
Sleeping there so peacefully.
Do you like children, Mr King?
When I can get them
Get on with them.
CHUCKLING
The little dears!
Well, look, we really must be off.
We leave them in your hands.
I hope they don't
cause you any trouble.
Oh, they won't.
Do they, er, scream much?
Oh, no, I'm sure
they won't disturb you. Good, good.
Darling, I know
you're going to think me silly,
but there's just something
I don't like about him.
No, nonsense, he's probably just
a rather lonely person.
I'm sure he's going to frighten
the children.
Well, they probably won't see him.
CHILDREN SCREAM
Damn! They saw me.
Oh, you naughty children!
Damn, the brats, they've ruined it!
Yes, they are going to make us
a bit late, I'm afraid.
I'll tear them limb from limb!
Oh, come, come.
Don't be so hard on them.
They're probably just, probably just
a little frightened by your hunch!
Don't mention that!
Don't even look at it,
it drives me mad!
Mad!
Mad, I say, mad!
I'm sure they'll be all right now.
Ah, that's nice, Mr King.
Making yourself at home.
Yes.
Nice and comfy.
Now go, go.
Yes, come on, we can't wait a minute
longer. We'll be back about one.
Yes, yes. Get out!
Goodbye.
Get out,
before they start screaming
in earnest!
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, I'm very pleased he turned up.
I wouldn't like to have left those
children by themselves. Yes.
CHILDREN SCREAM
Oh, dear.
They're going to be difficult.
BOTH: Poor Mr King.
Argh!
Argh! Get it off!
CHILDREN SCREAM HAPPILY
Argh!
MR KING SCREAMS
APPLAUSE
The death of Richard III
marked the end
of the Wars of the Roses.
Richard died in the mud
at Bosworth Field in 1485.
But tonight, Professor Weaver
sheds new light
on this final defeat of the
House of York. Professor Weaver.
Oh, hello.
I'm going to talk to you about
the Battle of Bosworth Field.
But before I do,
I want to show you a letter.
Now, it's a letter that was,
erm, written from the field,
Battle of Bosworth Field,
by an unknown soldier
whose name escapes me at the moment.
Written to his mother.
And in it, he gives vivid
descriptions of the actual battle.
The very death of Richard the
Richard III.
Of course, yeah.
Now, this is the actual
Oh, now, that's typical.
Now, where did I?
I'm sorry about this, but it's
rather important I find it.
It may be less
important to you than to me,
but I'd like to see it
before I continue.
Oh, this is too much.
Bosworth Field, of course,
is in Leicestershire.
As, of course, is
Er
Leicester.
I suppose.
Oh, yes.
Now
That's more like it.
Erm
HE CHUCKLES
Oh
Twinkle.
Oh, she was a fun girl.
I'm sure I had something once
and she got it.
Now, let's look in the files.
Oh.
That's typical, you see.
No wonder there's chaos,
fancy putting a cat in under H.
Better leave it in there,
otherwise I'll never find it,
not that I'm likely
to look in there again.
Bosworth Field, as I said,
is directly west of, erm
Leicester, and, er
there's a very charming
little man down there.
Give him a couple of shillings,
he'll show you round
the whole field.
For a couple of shillings more,
he'll give you a couple
of postcards, some of which
It's filthy up here, you know,
absolutely disgusting.
I'll have to get the whole place
taken down.
I've no idea
where the darned letter is.
I say, it's near Nuneaton,
Bosworth Field, if you're interested
in finding Bosworth Field.
I'm more interested in finding
the letter at this moment.
It's nowhere near Crouch End,
of course,
where I have a cousin,
also a Weaver.
Nor near Deptford,
where I have lunch on Mon
Look, I don't think
I'm gonna find it.
Why don't you try
turning on to the other channel?
Maybe it's more interesting there.
Erm, look, I wish you'd go away.
Give a man bit of privacy.
Heaven's sake.
Mercifully, we seem to
have lost Professor Weaver.
So, let us turn to a subject
which fired men's imaginations
throughout the Middle Ages,
courtly love. Found it!
Just before Geoffrey Chaucer
died in 1400,
he completed a film
Found it!
which deals frankly and fearlessly
with the difficult problems
of courtly love.
I found it. Isn't that lucky?
Yes, extremely.
Now, would you mind?
It was in my raincoat pocket
all the time.
I never wear it.
Now, erm
Would you mind if I?
Oh, dear.
Yes. Dated Monday.
It says, "Dear Mother,
I'm terribly excited,
"as I shall be appearing
on television tomorrow.
"The"
Oh
Oh, dear.
Thank you, Professor Weaver.
APPLAUSE
And now for our first-ever
viewing of the unpublished film
Geoffrey Chaucer's
Rules Of Courtly Love.
WISTFUL MEDIEVAL MUSIC
It is the desire of every knight
to enter into the bliss
of courtly love.
BIRDSONG
PING
PING
And for to prosper in his endeavour,
better it is that he should follow
certain rules thereto.
HE EXHALES
BIRDSONG
First, must he find a lady
whose beauty draws him to her,
as if by magic.
SCREECHING
TAPE WHIRRS
And smite of him to the heart.
GONG
Then should he seek to gain
her notice
by what means he may.
HE WOLF-WHISTLES
To then, should he contrive
to let her know
the feelings that control his press.
Now would he win her,
he must change his horse
for a noble steed of purest white.
He must dress
according to the fashion.
With shorter gown
and longer sleeves.
Now we see fit to show
himself before his lady fair.
RIPPING
And though she bid modesty,
her blushes bleak
his first approach.
If all should fail,
let him tell her
that he is her slave
if she would but grant him
a single smile.
Then may he sup the truth
of courtly love.
APPLAUSE
So much for courtly love,
a way of life
that was soon to disappear,
as Britain moved out of the Middle
Ages and into the modern world
under the leadership
of the Tudor kings.
So join us again next week and
Gasp at the amazing rise
of the Tudor monarchs!
Boo the Pope!
Boo!
POPE GASPS
Cringe before Cardinal Wolsey,
the most powerful man in England!
THUNDER RUMBLES
See Anne Boleyn
And Henry VIII battin'!
Yes!
All this, and Sir Thomas More,
in next week's Complete
And Utter History Of Britain.
APPLAUSE
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
# Complete and utter history
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
This complete and utter history! ♪
COIN CLINKS
Thank you, thank you very much.