Cooking with Paris (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

[people chattering indistinctly]
[cash register beeping]
[bass-heavy electronic music plays]
- [music stops]
- [cart screeches]
Vegan milk, walnut milk.
Oh my God, there's too many milks
to choose from. What the hell?
[lively whimsical music plays]
So much to get. Beyond.
Ketchup, my favorite.
Loves it.
That's everything!
[hums]
[upbeat whimsical music plays]
[Paris] I love cooking,
but I'm not a trained chef.
And I'm not trying to be.
I have a few go-to dishes
Sliving nachos,
jello shots,
lasagna.
But I wanna mix it up.
So I'm expanding my repertoire.
I found some brand-new recipes,
and I'm inviting my friends over
to test them out.
Will we create culinary magic?
- [woman] Moment of truth.
- [Paris] Wish me luck.
- [woman] Yes!
- Yes! Oh my God.
[Paris] Anything's possible.
Today, I'm tackling french fries.
- I love fries.
- [lively whimsical music plays]
Curly, steak, waffle.
But the best are McDonald's fries.
True story, a lifelong dream of mine
is to make McDonald's fries at home.
But there's a snag.
McDonald's fries are not vegan,
and my sous-chef is.
- It's comedian Nikki Glaser.
- [hip-hop playing]
So I found a vegan recipe
for my beloved McDonald's fries.
Will they taste just as good? We'll see.
For that true Americana experience,
I'm pairing my vegan fries
with vegan burgers and pink sauce
and vegan shakes.
And I'll be transforming my dining room
into a chic '50s LA-style diner.
It's a girls' night with Amanda Cerny,
Carlisle Forrester, and Whitney Cummings.
I've made regular burgers before,
but never fries,
and never anything vegan.
I've got my recipe book to guide me.
My sliving gloves are covered in crystals.
I think luck is on my side, hopefully.
- [music fades]
- [sizzles]
Time to make some McDonald's fries.
All right.
- Prepping vegan McDonald's fries.
- [upbeat jazz plays]
"Cut peeled potatoes." Do I have a peeler?
I think this is it.
Yes.
Oh.
It's so hot in here.
Am I sweating?
- [producer] Do you wanna go change?
- Really?
[man] Is the kitchen really hot?
[Paris] It's so hot,
'cause it's just, like,
the oven is on. I'm, like, sweating balls.
[dramatic orchestral music plays]
Hmm. Chanels.
Let's do this.
This is literally like a workout.
I used to think
that shopping was my cardio,
but now, cooking is my cardio.
Sick.
I should cut off the brown parts
so I don't have brown french fries.
[grunts] Shit.
Oh my God. [scoffs]
This looks fun.
[grunting]
[grunts]
- [ding]
- [grunts] Yes. Killing it.
Let's put these guys in here.
Oh yeah, I have to put the sugar first.
Three tablespoons of sugar.
No wonder McDonald's fries taste so good.
There's just tons of sugar in them.
[breezy jazz music plays]
Refrigerate for 30 minutes.
Hmm.
Time for a kitchen selfie.
- Making french fries. That's hot.
- [camera clicks]
- [romantic music plays]
- [timer dings]
[music fades]
[gasps]
Shit.
[bass-heavy jazz plays]
This is, like,
literally like being a facialist.
Feel like I should put salt on it.
It doesn't say, but
"Pink salt."
[hums]
Now, let's go in the oven.
- [music fades]
- "Any bitch can cook." Yes.
[whimsical music plays]
[Paris] Hmm.
Hope it doesn't melt all the ice cream.
Yes.
Time for some Unicorn Mist.
[sighs] Refreshing.
Loves it.
[music fades]
[lively whimsical music plays]
[Paris] Hi, guys!
Hi!
No, he's so cute.
Hi.
- Yes.
- [dog sneezes]
God bless you. Ah.
Don't ruin my hair and makeup. [chuckles]
- [woman] Hello!
- [man] Hi!
[women] Hi!
- You wanna go first here with the head?
- Yeah.
Oh my God.
Is that from, like, Ben & Jerry's?
I can't.
[laughs]
- This is insane!
- Isn't she lovely?
Okay, we'll have a puppy play date later.
I'll be back.
I love you.
[lively whimsical music plays]
This literally looks like Ed Debevic's.
Hell yes.
- [Charlotte] Hey, P?
- What?
You only have, like,
30 minutes to get ready.
[Paris] Okay.
I will.
[Charlotte] Okay.
Let's get going so you're not late.
All right. I just want a bite of caviar
before they come.
Just 'cause I have to, like,
be vegan all day, so
Just eat a little of this before we start.
[hums]
Okay.
Now time for being a vegan.
[doorbell rings]
[sweeping romantic music plays]
- [Paris] Hi, babe.
- [Nikki] Hi! Oh my gosh!
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you! Oh!
- Thanks so much for having me.
- Thanks for coming.
- I'm excited to hang out with you.
- Me too.
- [Nikki] Let's kick off this friendship.
- Loves it.
[Paris] Nikki Glaser
is one of the hottest stand-ups right now.
And she's always a good time.
- Loves it?
- Loves it.
[Paris] Plus the girls are coming later.
This should be epic.
Is this how you always cook? In this
- [laughs] You could do anything in this.
- Of course. I love dressing up.
I think we've hung out in person twice.
You did my radio show.
And then we I, like, interviewed you
when I guest-hosted Kimmel.
- And just through the TV
- That was fun.
I have a lot to tell you. I don't know.
Do I just spill my feelings for you?
- Come over here and spill it.
- I just [giggles]
- Oh my God.
- Spill the tea.
I love you. You know I love you.
I've been a fan
[producer]
Nikki, can you stand on this side?
- Of course!
- The lighting's better here.
Thanks. Yeah.
'Cause we'll look best with that.
Yeah, no, thank you.
Please just teach me about, like
I just wanna, like
How to stand and everything.
I've been, like,
such a fan of yours forever.
And, um [laughs]
I just, like
Is this how you hang out
with your friends all night?
[Paris] My heels are hurting,
so this is a way to be hot
while pretending my feet don't hurt.
Thank you. That was gonna be my question.
That looks like hell to me.
Beauty is pain.
[romantic music plays]
[Paris] Cooking with Nikki Glaser.
- Because you're a vegan
- [Nikki] Yes.
I put together this menu.
- We're gonna do vegan burgers and fries.
- [Nikki] Oh my gosh. These are so cute!
You did all of this?
[Paris] Yeah, I found recipes online
and just put them together in this book.
- Oh my gosh. You're so cute!
- Thank you.
And then vegan shakes.
- I only write in rainbow.
- Which one [giggles]
I get bored if it's, like,
all black or all blue or all red.
- I love it. Okay, so, McDonald's fries?
- Yeah.
- I'm obsessed with McDonald's fries.
- Yes.
- They're so bomb.
- I haven't had 'em for so long.
This makes me so excited.
I feel like they, like, hide some secret,
but it's the smell of it just is
- There's nothing like it.
- It's insane.
It, like, reminds me of
my mom, like, giving up and being like,
"I don't wanna cook tonight."
- [both laugh]
- And just being like, "Yes!"
You can replicate it? Like, accurately?
I don't know.
That's what we're gonna try to do.
- McDonald's fries.
- McDonald's is so bomb.
[Nikki] Uh, burgers.
First is that sauce
they put on the burger.
Oh my God. Yes!
- "Make pink sauce and put in the fridge."
- [Paris] Yes.
- I can do the put-in-the-fridge part.
- [laughs]
[Paris] How to make vegan pink sauce,
which is really just
Thousand Island dressing.
So, ketchup.
[Nikki] Um, "Three tablespoons."
- Is that a tablespoon?
- Yep.
- [Paris] I love ketchup.
- [Nikki] I do too.
[Paris] So bomb. I love it on every
I'm just guessing.
[Nikki laughs] Yeah, that's good.
The more the merrier.
- Go super heavy on the ketchup.
- [Paris] Quadruple ketchup.
Oh shit! More ketchup.
Yeah. [laughs]
Okay, what?
Um
"A half a cup vegan mayonnaise."
"Half cup vegan sour cream."
How do I
Perhaps.
- Oh.
- Oh God.
[breezy jazz playing]
Add this.
[Nikki] Perfect.
[Paris] All right. Whisk it.
What is a "whisk"? What's "whisking"?
- Is that a "whisker"?
- [Nikki] It's the thing with
- It's like this and it has
- Circles?
It's what you do with to make an egg.
- Oh, like, the silver
- Like, springy kind of
Springle.
- No.
- That?
[Nikki] Do you have a whisk
shaped like a unicorn?
- I thought you cooked?
- [Paris] I do.
- [Nikki] What's going on?
- [Paris] I don't know the names.
- Okay, that. This.
- Duh!
Okay.
[Paris] Okay, whisk it.
Cooking tip.
Just so you guys know, this is a whisk.
[Nikki] Like, come on. Let's just, like
- [Paris] Yes.
- [Nikki] be who we are.
[Paris] Exactly.
Do you ever go to a nice steak restaurant
and ask for ketchup?
- Yes. You do too?
- Always.
- And they are terribly offended.
- Yeah.
- I love it in everything. Love it so much.
- Me too.
[Nikki] So, pink sauce, done.
Put it in the fridge.
And I, like, am really gonna nail this.
I'm just going in Paris Hilton's fridge.
Like, whatever.
- [Paris] Sliving.
- [Nikki] So sliving.
Oh my God!
I love your life. Okay.
[Paris] Well
[Nikki] Oh my God.
"Fry the frozen fries." Okay.
Oh good, they're already cut. I thought
we were gonna have to cut potatoes.
I did that yesterday. It was really hard.
I'm so glad
you're not trying to prove something.
I had to shave them.
I had to do all this stuff.
- Wait, you did this?
- I did this myself.
Oh my God!
Good job. How did you do that?
[Paris] I had this, like, crazy machine.
Like, smushed it, and they just flew out.
- Oh nice!
- It was dope.
[Paris] Time to fry
vegan McDonald's fries.
They're vegan because
we're leaving out the beef flavoring.
I am so scared. Let's test one out
and see what happens. Let's not, like
- Oh.
- [Nikki] Oh wait.
- [Paris] I think till we It puts it down.
- Oh wait. Okay. Let's just Look.
[Paris] Test these two guys.
- Oh.
- [Nikki] Okay, we we got it.
We can just do it. Okay.
- A handful.
- [Paris] In there.
[Paris] Um
- Yes.
- [Nikki] Oh my God!
- [Paris] Should I pour it?
- [Nikki] Just do 'em all. Why not?
- [Paris] Pull it up. I'm nervous
- [Nikki] We don't wanna splash.
- Ruin our faces.
- That's so smart.
- I'm scared.
- I'd have been burned.
[Paris] I've done that before.
Not with this machine though.
[Nikki] Well
- I think it said two to three minutes.
- [Paris] Yes!
- [Nikki] All right.
- [Paris] The hell?
[producer] You can turn the hood on
if you want.
Where is it?
- [producer] The, uh the thing.
- Oh, here's that thing.
[chuckles]
[producer] You need to turn
that little knob to the right.
- This?
- [producer] The other one.
- [Paris] Uh-oh. Are they burnt?
- [Nikki] No.
They're not even golden brown.
- I want them to match my spray tan.
- [Paris] Come on, bitch. Tan on!
- [Nikki] Do you get spray tans?
- [Paris] Yes, obviously.
The only thing fake about me is my tan.
And my hair extensions. And my eyelashes.
- Everything else is real.
- [Nikki] Yeah.
They look fake. They look so good.
Ooh.
Yeah, they're good?
- Okay.
- Burning me, but it's good.
[Paris] Mmm.
[Nikki] Yes!
They really do taste
like McDonald's fries.
[Paris] Yeah, they do. So good.
[Nikki] So cute!
My favorite saying of yours is "beyond."
Have you, like, um, trademarked that?
- Not yet.
- Not yet.
- Just "that's hot" and "sliving."
- That's a good one.
When did sliving come about?
Sliving was invented last Halloween
when I was at a party.
And I was so excited,
sliving just came out,
and my friends were like, "Sliving?"
And I was like, "Oh shit."
I'm like, "That is sliving."
With living your best life,
with slaying and killing it in one word.
We just kept saying "sliving."
I was like, "I need to trademark this."
And now it's literally
in the Urban Dictionary.
[Nikki] Really?
Interesting.
Yeah.
- Are you ready for some Beyond Meat?
- Yes!
[Paris] How to make
vegan un-cheeseburgers.
- Do we have to, like, touch it?
- I don't want to.
[Paris] It smells way better
than regular meat.
Why's that red and this is brown?
Because I think they put more dye in it
to, like, make it look like ground beef.
- "One onion."
- I think it
Don't smell that.
It's gonna be better when cooked.
- [Paris] Okay.
- [Nikki] Okay.
- [Paris] I'll get the salt.
- [Nikki] "Chop an onion."
Okay, we gotta do the food processor.
- I'll cut this onion.
- Oh.
[Nikki] I don't know how to do this.
I'm just gonna wing it.
Be careful. Don't cut your finger off.
- [gasps]
- It'd be worth it.
- [Paris] Cooking with Paris.
- [Nikki] With Paris Hilton.
- That looks fine. Is that fine? Hold on.
- It's like liquid.
- [imitates whirring]
- [Paris] Just getting you out.
Edward Scissorhands.
Okay, it says, "Put on gloves,"
which you already have on,
"and then mix the bowl ingredients."
Honey, I'm not mixing in these.
- There has to be more gloves.
- [Nikki] Gotta be.
- Yes.
- Oh, yay!
[Paris] I've been dying to pee, but
[Nikki] Go pee. I'll just do this.
This is, like, doing something for me.
I think it's going well so far.
She's in the bathroom.
I feel like I came on a little strong
in the beginning.
Fangirled out a bit.
I do think, like,
godmother of her children?
I think it's in the bag.
- [breezy instrumental music]
- [Paris] Gonna cover up my sliv gloves.
- Glove on glove.
- If it'll fit over this heart.
- Yes.
- Okay, wish me luck.
- Don't wanna rip the crystals off.
- Mm-hmm.
[groans] Oh my God.
Now we need to, like, make the thingies.
- [Nikki] Okay.
- [Paris] Smush them.
- [Nikki] Mm-hmm.
- [Paris gags] Ew.
And now I feel like
I'm touching two slimy balls.
- Yes! These feel like balls!
- [Paris] I'm gonna puke. [laughs]
[Nikki] They really do.
It's been so long for me.
I'm kind of nostalgic.
It's, like, bringing me back.
The thing I love about you most,
among many things,
is your nickname was Miss Blue Balls.
- Miss Blue Baller.
- Miss Blue Baller.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, yes. Okay.
Because you don't give it up easy.
My mom said,
"Everyone wants a Chanel purse."
"They don't want the fake on Canal Street,
they want the real Chanel
that no one can have."
"So it's better to be hard to get
and be like a Chanel purse."
[Nikki] I think that's a great message.
- Be like a Chanel purse.
- [Paris] Yeah.
Yeah, you don't cum on a Chanel purse.
[laughs] Definitely not.
- [Nikki groans]
- [Paris] Oh.
- [Nikki] Oh yeah!
- [sizzling]
- [Paris] This little baby.
- [Nikki] Yeah.
Okay. Now, I'm gonna take off this Beyond.
I wanna This is good with my outfit,
so I'm gonna leave it.
[Paris] Cut holes in them
and they'll match your outfit.
[Nikki laughs] Yes!
[sizzling]
That's hot. Loves it.
- Yas.
- Yas.
- Sliving.
- Sliving.
- Killing it.
- Killing it.
I think when, um, Whitney
and, like, everyone comes,
I'll just greet them like this.
- Loves it.
- And just be, like,
this is just what happens to you
if you've been here longer
than, like, an hour.
[laughs]
[bass-heavy jazz plays]
[Nikki] I love that your cookware,
like, it's not actually to be used.
[Paris] Oh no!
Did I burn the diamonds off?
Um, yeah, definitely.
Be so sad.
[Nikki] There's a rhinestone in it.
At least they're vegan. [laughs]
[Paris] Yours is huge.
- I know.
- It's, like, not gonna fit in the bun.
[Nikki chuckles]
[Paris laughs]
Actually, I have a good idea.
We could use a cutter
and make it smaller and fit.
- Let me see what I have.
- Oh yeah. Ooh! Like, make it
- [Paris] Like a cookie cutter.
- [Nikki] Oh yeah, that's cute.
[upbeat jazz plays]
- [Paris] Yes.
- [Nikki] Oh my gosh. So good.
[Paris] Killing it.
- Oh, yeah.
- This will work.
It's so cute.
- Love this.
- That's so cute!
- And then this, on that.
- [Paris laughs] Loves it.
- [Nikki] Cute.
- [Paris] Hell yeah.
Then we put, like, a thingy over it,
then it will, like, melt it.
- [Nikki] Whatever you say, Paris.
- [Paris] I know what I'm doing.
That.
- [Nikki] Oh yeah.
- [Paris] It traps the heat.
[Nikki] You don't follow the rule.
I like that you just do your own thing.
You're not someone who was ever scared
of getting in trouble, right?
- No.
- Like, you don't care.
Rebel for life.
- Try it?
- Yeah.
[Paris] Mm.
- That's good.
- [Paris] Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Just needs ketchup.
[Nikki] So, pink sauce on the bun.
[Paris] Lettuce. Tomato.
And then, like, uh, so much ketchup.
- [Paris] Yes!
- [Nikki] We did it. Oh my God!
I think I'm gonna dip mine in ketchup.
[Paris] Is that everything?
- Oh, the milk shakes.
- Yeah.
[Paris] How to make vegan mylk.
Malk? Mulk? Whatever.
These shakes don't have any milk in them.
"One pint of vegan ice cream."
"One cup of dairy-free milk."
"Half cup of ice."
[breezy jazz music plays]
Nice. Okay.
Now let's put it on.
- This stuff feels, like, good enough.
- Ready?
[Nikki] Wait. Let's see.
[blender whirring]
- Oh yeah! Yes!
- Nice.
Oh my God! [laughs]
Oh my God!
[blender continues whirring]
[blender screeching]
- [turns off blender]
- Stop yelling at me!
- Oh my God, it, like, fell off the thing.
- [blender whirring]
Oh, I really think I fucked it up.
No.
[continues whirring]
Do you smell it?
- Yeah.
- It's, like, burning.
Burning tires.
[turns off blender]
That looks good.
- Right?
- Um
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
- She's gone.
- [Megan] She's toast.
[Paris] She's dead.
- [breezy jazz plays]
- We're gonna do "Cherries for garnish,
unicorn sprinkles for garnish,
edible glitter
for garnish."
- [Paris] What's "garnish"?
- Um, garnish is your new word.
[Paris] Hmm.
- That's so garnish.
- Garnish.
- I'm, like, fucking garnished.
- Not feeling it.
Not feeling it?
I think it's gonna be mine then.
[Paris] Let's try this.
I've never made a shake before.
[Nikki] "Spread frosting
on the rim of each glass."
- [Paris] Got you.
- [Nikki] Okay.
- [Paris] Then we need sprinkles.
- [Nikki] And edible glitter.
Just, like, dump all of these.
[Paris] Loves it.
- [Nikki] Ooh!
- [Paris] It's amazing. Garnish.
[breezy jazz continues]
[Paris] Love that there's, like,
healthy whatever this is called.
Whipped cream.
[Paris] Yes.
Beautiful.
[Paris] I love it.
[ding]
- [doorbell rings]
- Yes.
Yes!
[Nikki] The girls are here.
[sweeping romantic music]
- [Paris] Hi, guys.
- [Nikki] Welcome to our home!
[laughter]
- Thank you. Hi. How are you?
- Love this catsuit.
- This is actually for you guys.
- So sweet.
- Is this your new wine?
- It is.
- Six26wine.
- [Paris] I love the bottles.
This is Whitney.
- [Carlisle] You look amazing.
- [Amanda] Really nice to meet you!
- [Paris] Thank you for coming!
- You look amazing.
- Hi, Carlisle.
- [Carlisle] Hi, how are you?
Your flyaways
It ain't the meat, it's the motion ♪
That makes your mama wanna rock ♪
It ain't the meat, it's the motion ♪
It's the movement
That gives it the sock ♪
- [music fades]
- [Paris] Bon appétit!
[Whitney] How many phones?
What's happening?
What's going on? Do we each get one?
- Yeah, they're party favors. Um
- [all laugh]
I used to have five phones,
now I've consolidated to three.
One is for people I like.
One is for business.
And one is for prank calling people.
- [spits, laughs]
- My mom, I, and sister love to do that.
How many phones have you lost?
Oh my God. Hundreds.
But you're very together.
- [Paris] Sometimes.
- [laughs]
She is. She is so together,
but she is also, like,
so refreshingly, like,
just, like, you know, wing it.
- [Whitney] Disorganized pretty mess.
- Yeah.
- [Whitney] You know where it is.
- Yeah.
- Sort of. I'll figure it out.
- [laughs]
My podcast co-host
wrote a paper on you in high school.
- I wanna read it so bad.
- Did everyone do that?
Because I did that too.
You wrote a paper on Paris Hilton?
Well, I gave a whole presentation
about Paris.
[laughter]
I read your book and I learned a lot
and I shared it with everyone.
And I got an "A." I think.
I don't know. I don't remember that.
There's McDonald's sauces too.
- Do you work out?
- Never.
[Nikki] No, she doesn't.
Not a thing.
- [Whitney] That's hard on people like me.
- Do you work out?
- [Amanda] Like crazy.
- Like crazy.
I think that's hard on people.
- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry. You should not be sorry.
I appreciate your apology.
I accept it. I don't accept it. She does.
Uh, yeah. I-I needed that.
[romantic music plays]
[Whitney] The number of questions
I have for you is innumerable.
[Paris] Well, eat a burger and tell me.
- [Whitney] Did you make it?
- Yes.
[Amanda] They look very nicely shaped.
Whoa! This is so good.
- [Nikki] I just love ketchup!
- Where's the pink There it is.
- [Whitney] I live for ketchup.
- I live for this sauce.
[Nikki] Yes!
[Paris] Well, looks like
I can definitely make vegan burgers,
fries, and shakes that are
just as delicious as the drive-through.
But this is never going to be
a strictly vegan house.
[dog whimpers]
[sweeping romantic music plays]