Cooper's Bar (2022) s01e03 Episode Script
Headshot Time!
1
♪♪
Man: Is that even you?!
The studio exec said
your latest headshot
or the deal's off!
That's the best photo of me
that has ever been taken.
Yeah. It looks like you're going
to a disco in Brooklyn in 1977.
Sorry, I'm not one of these
actors who every time
they hit a rough patch, they go
and get a new headshots.
Well, you could have got one
in the right decade at least.
Did you audition for
"Scarface"?
People know who I am.
They want me, they can find.
We're not talking about
the IRS!
We're talking
about studio execs!
Antonia's bosses need to know
who she's fighting for.
The only way
this show happens.
Right. Set up a shoot.
I'm available all next week.
Brandon's bringing
a photographer over today.
What?
This is bullshit!
♪♪
[Sniffing, exhales]
♪♪
[Camera shutter clicking]
Ah, this is bullshit.
So this is the Glendale version
of Annie Leibovitz?
Oh, this is more
than just a photographer.
It's a bloody
photo booth!
It comes with
amazing props!
You know, they generally fire
mall cops
for stealing
the photo booth!
I am not just
a mall cop!.
I'm the executive in charge of
social media for Cooper's Bar.
Oh
[Laughing]
You laugh!
But you know the kid
with the crazy nails
that came into the bar?
That's Billy Canasta.
He's a huge influencer.
And that new collab house
next door,
Flex House,
has 20 million followers.
Oh, and he's on
"Who's Got Krabz?"
Both: That's Billy Canasta!
Of course!
I was flipping sure
he was the one
that got crabs last week!
I always get that wrong.
That post he made of
Cooper's Buffalo wings
has been shared
100,000 times.
Cooper's is
blowin' up!
Come on!
I feel like I'm at a peep show.
Maybe give him some direction.
Yeah.
Oh, here comes the direction.
Have you ever seen
a shark
stalking
a hermit crab?
No.
Think, "Magnum, P.I."
Big mustache, little shorts.
You couldn't direct
sick into a bag.
Coop, mate,
just give us
something for the studio,
please.
Then admit you want something
more bullshit!
You want funzo Cooper,
right?
Ah!
How about this one,
De Niro as Frankenstein.
Aah!
[Chuckles]
Glamour, Cooper! Yeah!
Put that on!
And with the hat.
Scary Cooper.
Less Chucky,
More "Friday the 13th."
They owe you money.
Runway model.
There you go.
Ta-da! We're taking it
to a whole nother level.
I look like an undertaker.
You look like
a barman.
Which is how Cooper Marino
needs to look
If Cooper Marino
is going to play Cooper Marino.
Woman: Cooper Marino will never
play Cooper Marino.
You jizzwads.
I sent my semi-illiterate
dildo of development
over here
with just one job
just get Cooper Marino
to sign over his life rights.
[Whistles]
But she says Cooper Marino
won't sign the deal
unless we guarantee
that he plays the lead.
That's a gross
mischaracterization
of what happened.You would think that you don't
tell the rights holders
your plans
until after you get
their signature.
But here we are.
If you want this show to happen,
you need to sign this deal.
I didn't say I wouldn't sign.
I just have
a couple of comments.
Well, we've upped the offer
to $10,000,
so I assume
that addresses your comments.
Not about the money, Kris.Okay.
You can have meaningless
consultation
on all creative matters,
but the studio gets final say.
Our people never go for that.
Your people?
We threw your people out
in the Revolution,
you tea-sipping redcoat.
So how about you shut your hole
or I'm calling ICE.
Hey, that's racist!
David is not an illegal alien.
I'm just waiting for
the divorce to come through.
Then I can marry
an American.
Oh! They must be lining up
around the block
for a 50 year old Uber driver!
No, not so much?
Great. $12,000.
And that should help
with his divorce costs.
It's not about me.
I just want to get the role
of a lifetime
from my most talented friend.
This is not "RuPaul's Drag Race
for the AARP."
We're not casting a 60-year-old
never-been.
He's been in
50 movies!
I don't give a rat's ass
about his background career.
First off,
it wasn't background.
Second, for some reason,
the biggest dick.
in Hollywood
pays a visit to this
never-been
to sign over
my life rights.
$15,000.I wouldn't sign shit, Coop.
Speak to Antonia first.Are you talking?
Let me educate you
on the entertainment industry.
Head of development
is a bullshit position
given to someone's
useless niece or nephew.
Like a priest
in 19th century England, David.
Oh, right.
Your boss
must really like this idea.
♪♪
$20,000.
Final offer.
Hey! Whoa, whoa!
50 feet, lady!
Did I ask you here?
I have a restraining order.
This is my house!
Cooper, there are some kids
outside trying to show me
their ID
I am not a goddamn bouncer.
Brandon, would you be so kind
as to go tell them to get lost?
Uh, Miss Latimer
Brandon Washington, head writer.
Goblet Old Cabernet.
You remember me?
No.
Cooper
You will be allowed
on set
for one supervised visit.
[Scoffs]
And I'm upping
the offer
to $25,000.
Okay, fine!
Okay, fine.
You know what?
You're right.
You are right.
The head of the studio likes it.
Cyrus Long has read it?!
He says
it is the best idea.
He's heard
from me
in years.
And we've been negotiating
Amy Schumer's contract
for weeks.It's my life.
Cooper, come on!
Please!
If I don't give him
a hit,
I'm gonna
lose my job
and my reputation,
and my entire sense
of superiority.
Oh, something is wrong
with her.
Clinically speaking.
Cooper!
Cooper, listen,
you name your price,
and I'm going to
fight for you.
I don't have a price, Kris.
Both: Yes, he does!
You know what I want?
You are not playing Cooper!
Cooper!
Okay, fine.Okay!
Brandon is
the showrunner,
and David directs
the pilot.
That is possibly even worse
than you playing Cooper!
Take it or leave it.
♪♪
You know what?
You've been out of
this business so long,
you don't know when to pick up
your toys and just run home.
♪♪
I'm going to bury you.
Get out of my way, losers!
Brandon: Oh! Billy Canasta
is back in the house!
Coops, get this man
his usual.
Bacardi daiquiri, brah.
Oh, right!
I've been drinking
quite a few of these myself.
You should make it like
the house drink, right, man?
Ah! Yeah.Yeah.
Come on, Cooper.
The Billy Hive loves you.
Think you've just blown
a TV show?
Nah, I finally have
something they want.
She'll be back.
♪♪
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
♪♪
Man: Is that even you?!
The studio exec said
your latest headshot
or the deal's off!
That's the best photo of me
that has ever been taken.
Yeah. It looks like you're going
to a disco in Brooklyn in 1977.
Sorry, I'm not one of these
actors who every time
they hit a rough patch, they go
and get a new headshots.
Well, you could have got one
in the right decade at least.
Did you audition for
"Scarface"?
People know who I am.
They want me, they can find.
We're not talking about
the IRS!
We're talking
about studio execs!
Antonia's bosses need to know
who she's fighting for.
The only way
this show happens.
Right. Set up a shoot.
I'm available all next week.
Brandon's bringing
a photographer over today.
What?
This is bullshit!
♪♪
[Sniffing, exhales]
♪♪
[Camera shutter clicking]
Ah, this is bullshit.
So this is the Glendale version
of Annie Leibovitz?
Oh, this is more
than just a photographer.
It's a bloody
photo booth!
It comes with
amazing props!
You know, they generally fire
mall cops
for stealing
the photo booth!
I am not just
a mall cop!.
I'm the executive in charge of
social media for Cooper's Bar.
Oh
[Laughing]
You laugh!
But you know the kid
with the crazy nails
that came into the bar?
That's Billy Canasta.
He's a huge influencer.
And that new collab house
next door,
Flex House,
has 20 million followers.
Oh, and he's on
"Who's Got Krabz?"
Both: That's Billy Canasta!
Of course!
I was flipping sure
he was the one
that got crabs last week!
I always get that wrong.
That post he made of
Cooper's Buffalo wings
has been shared
100,000 times.
Cooper's is
blowin' up!
Come on!
I feel like I'm at a peep show.
Maybe give him some direction.
Yeah.
Oh, here comes the direction.
Have you ever seen
a shark
stalking
a hermit crab?
No.
Think, "Magnum, P.I."
Big mustache, little shorts.
You couldn't direct
sick into a bag.
Coop, mate,
just give us
something for the studio,
please.
Then admit you want something
more bullshit!
You want funzo Cooper,
right?
Ah!
How about this one,
De Niro as Frankenstein.
Aah!
[Chuckles]
Glamour, Cooper! Yeah!
Put that on!
And with the hat.
Scary Cooper.
Less Chucky,
More "Friday the 13th."
They owe you money.
Runway model.
There you go.
Ta-da! We're taking it
to a whole nother level.
I look like an undertaker.
You look like
a barman.
Which is how Cooper Marino
needs to look
If Cooper Marino
is going to play Cooper Marino.
Woman: Cooper Marino will never
play Cooper Marino.
You jizzwads.
I sent my semi-illiterate
dildo of development
over here
with just one job
just get Cooper Marino
to sign over his life rights.
[Whistles]
But she says Cooper Marino
won't sign the deal
unless we guarantee
that he plays the lead.
That's a gross
mischaracterization
of what happened.You would think that you don't
tell the rights holders
your plans
until after you get
their signature.
But here we are.
If you want this show to happen,
you need to sign this deal.
I didn't say I wouldn't sign.
I just have
a couple of comments.
Well, we've upped the offer
to $10,000,
so I assume
that addresses your comments.
Not about the money, Kris.Okay.
You can have meaningless
consultation
on all creative matters,
but the studio gets final say.
Our people never go for that.
Your people?
We threw your people out
in the Revolution,
you tea-sipping redcoat.
So how about you shut your hole
or I'm calling ICE.
Hey, that's racist!
David is not an illegal alien.
I'm just waiting for
the divorce to come through.
Then I can marry
an American.
Oh! They must be lining up
around the block
for a 50 year old Uber driver!
No, not so much?
Great. $12,000.
And that should help
with his divorce costs.
It's not about me.
I just want to get the role
of a lifetime
from my most talented friend.
This is not "RuPaul's Drag Race
for the AARP."
We're not casting a 60-year-old
never-been.
He's been in
50 movies!
I don't give a rat's ass
about his background career.
First off,
it wasn't background.
Second, for some reason,
the biggest dick.
in Hollywood
pays a visit to this
never-been
to sign over
my life rights.
$15,000.I wouldn't sign shit, Coop.
Speak to Antonia first.Are you talking?
Let me educate you
on the entertainment industry.
Head of development
is a bullshit position
given to someone's
useless niece or nephew.
Like a priest
in 19th century England, David.
Oh, right.
Your boss
must really like this idea.
♪♪
$20,000.
Final offer.
Hey! Whoa, whoa!
50 feet, lady!
Did I ask you here?
I have a restraining order.
This is my house!
Cooper, there are some kids
outside trying to show me
their ID
I am not a goddamn bouncer.
Brandon, would you be so kind
as to go tell them to get lost?
Uh, Miss Latimer
Brandon Washington, head writer.
Goblet Old Cabernet.
You remember me?
No.
Cooper
You will be allowed
on set
for one supervised visit.
[Scoffs]
And I'm upping
the offer
to $25,000.
Okay, fine!
Okay, fine.
You know what?
You're right.
You are right.
The head of the studio likes it.
Cyrus Long has read it?!
He says
it is the best idea.
He's heard
from me
in years.
And we've been negotiating
Amy Schumer's contract
for weeks.It's my life.
Cooper, come on!
Please!
If I don't give him
a hit,
I'm gonna
lose my job
and my reputation,
and my entire sense
of superiority.
Oh, something is wrong
with her.
Clinically speaking.
Cooper!
Cooper, listen,
you name your price,
and I'm going to
fight for you.
I don't have a price, Kris.
Both: Yes, he does!
You know what I want?
You are not playing Cooper!
Cooper!
Okay, fine.Okay!
Brandon is
the showrunner,
and David directs
the pilot.
That is possibly even worse
than you playing Cooper!
Take it or leave it.
♪♪
You know what?
You've been out of
this business so long,
you don't know when to pick up
your toys and just run home.
♪♪
I'm going to bury you.
Get out of my way, losers!
Brandon: Oh! Billy Canasta
is back in the house!
Coops, get this man
his usual.
Bacardi daiquiri, brah.
Oh, right!
I've been drinking
quite a few of these myself.
You should make it like
the house drink, right, man?
Ah! Yeah.Yeah.
Come on, Cooper.
The Billy Hive loves you.
Think you've just blown
a TV show?
Nah, I finally have
something they want.
She'll be back.
♪♪
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪