Corner Gas (2004) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, Brent.
You look good.
Did you lose weight? No.
Ah, I know what it is.
Nice shirt.
Well, thank you.
But it's really no surprise.
I have a way with shirts.
A way with shirts? Yeah.
Great shirts come to me, like this one.
I was walking past the store and there it was, In the bargain bin.
Good for you, gandalf.
I have shirt powers.
I mean look at this thing.
It's got style combined with comfort, Stylumfort.
look, I was just buttering you up so I could leave work early.
The shirt's fine, but i just said "nice shirt.
" Oh.
I mean "nice shirt" is just something you say.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's like "pardon me" or "have a nice day" Or "you look good, Brent.
" Fine.
But know this.
I do have shirt powers.
Nobody else could look at this shirt And recognize its greatness.
That's my gift.
Hey, guys.
Look what I just bought.
Nice shirt.
* you can tell me that your dog ran away * * then tell me that it took three days * * i've heard every joke i've heard every one you say * * you think there's not a lot goin' on * * look closer baby you're so wrong * * and that's why you can stay so long * * where there's not a lot goin' on ** I can't believe sparky tuxford is dead.
I thought he died years ago.
No, no, that was his brother, slim.
Who's the other brother, with the big teeth? Clark.
He's back there eating cake.
He's sparky.
That's clark.
No, clark's way taller than that.
Well, one of 'em's dead anyway.
What a cheap looking coffin.
Oscar.
I can't help it.
A cheap looking coffin takes me out of the funeral.
Not so loud.
Is that laminate? Cover me.
I'm going in for a closer look.
God, Oscar.
People will think you're stealing his necktie.
I told you, that was a misunderstanding.
Oh, I thought so.
These finishing nails haven't even been countersunk.
You got ripped off, buddy.
Buncha crooks.
Oscar, it's fine.
Maybe it looks fine to you, But the craftsman's eye knows better.
craftsman.
You can't even build a birdhouse without it falling apart.
That wasn't my fault.
Damn birds were horsing around in there.
My house, my rules.
just come in an eat! No flyin' around! Okay, People are looking at us now.
Look, Brent, we can't both own the same shirt.
We're gonna show up wearing the same shirt and And people are gonna think we're on some kinda team.
What kinda team wears plaid shirts? Not even the c.
F.
L.
Is that broke.
You know how I feel about c.
F.
L.
Jokes.
Sorry.
Anyway, i'm serious.
This whole thing with the shirt, I mean This whole shirt thing, I mean, this could ruin our friendship.
No, it won't.
Remember that cult? Everybody wore the exact same shoes and sweats.
Yeah, they committed mass suicide.
Yeah, but they got along great.
I don't know.
It's not like we're covered in sequins.
It's a plaid shirt.
Nobody's gonna even notice.
Hi, guys.
Oh, wow, those are some nice shirts.
What, are ya, on a team? I gotta go.
See ya at practice.
we're not on a team! What's his story? Ah, shirt troubles.
Oh, fine, don't tell me.
I'm serious, shirt troubles.
Well, i'm serious.
Don't tell me.
You're miss grumpypants.
Oh, i'm sorry.
I've just been feeling a little oogey the last couple weeks.
Oogey or logey? Well, it started out logey and led to oogey.
Logey can do that.
I think I know what it is, too.
When I moved from Toronto, I stopped taking pilates.
I've been thinking about starting a class here.
Well, why don't ya? I don't know.
I'm not very good at public speaking.
Well, don't let that be an obstacle.
Mrs.
Tadmore teaches a class here in town And she's not exactly mesmerizing.
That woman actually manages to make pottery boring, Pottery! Well, it's not that i'm a You know, I just get really nervous talking to large groups.
Take a chance.
You know? You can't always play it safe.
No fear, that's what I say.
You know where I read that? Where? The t-Shirt of a kid working at the co-Op.
He didn't let fear stand in his way.
He stood there bravely baggin' onions.
Oh, gosh.
Okay.
Okay.
If I start a pilates class, will you join? That depends.
On what? On what is pilates.
Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body You lost me.
Oh, come on, Brent.
Don't you want to unify your mind and body? No.
I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket.
You know, you don't give me enough credit.
I got a way with tools.
So do i.
I married one.
What are ya talkin' about? You've been working on the same bookshelf for 13 years.
You want it done fast or done right? I don't want it at all.
I'll tell you what.
If I die What do you mean "if"? I don't want you payin' $3,000 for a shoddy coffin.
I'll build my own first.
What's so funny? Give me one reason why I can't build my own coffin? Okay.
I said one reason.
Pilates? What's that about? It's a way to stay in shape.
But it can be tricky.
I took a class in Toronto, so I thought i'd show people here.
Want to join? no, thank you.
That's not oogey or logey, that's just grumpy.
What about you, Oscar, you interested in pilates? Baked or roasted? Ah, forget it.
What are you readin'? Coffin plans.
Coffee plants? I'm building my own coffin.
I was gonna go with the foreverest, But this isn't the kinda thing where you wanna go cheap.
So i'm building the infinity king.
Ah, it's nice, for a coffin.
Look at the fine detail on the lid.
When people see me lyin' in this baby, They'll say, "that guy's a craftsman.
" "This guy See the interior? Great lumbar support.
Ooh, it's gonna be somethin'.
Yeah.
But you'll be dead.
I know.
I can't wait.
I worked out a plan.
Count me out.
You haven't heard it yet.
See how i've learned.
It's a shirt plan.
Are you gonna wear the shirt tomorrow? I'll check my daytimer.
Because i'll want to wear it tomorrow.
You give me a shirt day and you get a credit.
And then you can use that credit And buy your own shirt day.
You're one credit ahead.
What do you mean? Where did you get credit for tomorrow? Did somebody give you a credit? I gave it to myself.
I want a free credit.
You can't haveI want a free credit.
A credit.
Hey, you guys are wearin' the same shirt.
Yeah, we entered a log rolling competition.
Oh.
Good luck.
Thank you.
I want to wear this shirt tomorrow, Brent.
Okay, fine.
You'll be happy we had this conversation.
Anything can happen.
My god! This place is fuller than when you bought All that y2k survival junk.
Don't laugh about the y2k.
It could still happen.
How much did you spend? This doesn't cost us money, it makes us money.
You said that about bingo night.
Well, they cheat.
Here, mark my height.
I'm goin' for a custom fit.
Don't worry.
If it's tight, we'll stuff ya in.
Just make sure the saw's sharp.
Mark my height and i'll mark yours.
What? I'm doin' your coffin too.
It's a foreverest.
It's almost top of the line.
I'm not having my coffin in the basement And having it fall apart like that birdhouse.
You won't be movin' around in there.
I'm going upstairs.
The foreverest is nothing to be ashamed of, you know? I'm not puttin' ya in one of those Japanese econo caskets Yet.
Brent, can I put this in your window? Yeah, knock yourself out.
Wanda, you got some tape? You can't let her put this up.
Why not? Well, it It's just wrong.
why do you have quotes around the word free? I'm trying to emphasize that it's free.
Quotes aren't for emphasis.
This doesn't say it's free.
It says it's "free," like there's some kind of trick, The same way a hotdog isn't food, it's "food.
" Hotdogs are food.
Our are you quoting someone? Is "free" a quote from mark twain or something? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure he's used the word at some point.
He said, "hey, that copy of Or "if I had more free time, i'd trim my moustache.
" I can't help it if you're starting this stupid class, But don't make fun of mark twain's moustache.
Oscar! Well, do you want your coffin to fit or not? Get out.
Go sleep on the couch.
The foreverest can be cheesy if it doesn't fit right.
Don't come back to this bedroom.
You'll thank me when you're dead.
hi, guys.
Here is your bill.
And, as my fourth and fifth customer, You get a free pass to my pilates class tonight.
All right! How much does it normally cost? Ah, it's free.
All right! Is it? Because this says it's "free," Like there's some kind of a trick? what's pilates? It's a method of unifying your mind and body.
I'm sorry, Lacey, this is wrong.
I'm gonna take out the quotes.
I wasn't talking about the quotes, Although they're wrong too.
Also, I don't think you should both italicize and underline a word.
And you're mixing two different sans serif typefaces.
I've been thinking I need to unify my mind and body.
Wasn't I just saying, Karen, i need to unify my mind and body? All right.
Ahem, i'll be in the car.
I can have her pass, too, right? Yes.
All right! So, what's pilates? Okay.
It's an exercise program.
Pilates, the guy who started it, lived to be 90 years old And he was in amazing shape his whole life.
Yeah.
But he did kill jesus.
What? Pontius pilates.
The guy in the bible? Oh, no.
That's a different guy.
Oh, gee, that's good.
I don't go to church every sunday, but that would be weird.
Yeah.
Designing an exercise routine after the guy Who sentenced jesus to death wouldn't sit well with me.
Okay.
Well, i'm going to have to Well, I gotta hand it to ya.
You might actually finish it in time to use it.
Ha ha! That's right.
Who's laughin' now, woman? Look at that construction.
That's not goin' anywhere.
Boy, I can't wait till people see me in this.
Neither can i.
Are you coming to the bake sale? No.
Now get outta here.
You're cuttin' into my coffin time.
Don't complain about the quality Of the rice krispie squares.
Then bring back some that I'm tired of eatin' rectangles.
Why can't people just make things square? Oh, baby.
Wow! What a beautiful coffin! It's a shame it's an open casket service.
The top of the lid is beautiful.
What is this, an infinity king? It is.
Lucky stiff.
I can really enjoy the funeral Not thinking about how cheap the coffin is.
He was right to insist on building it himself.
What a craftsman! Yes, he was.
I was wrong, as I was often when we argued.
In fact, now that he's gone, I realize that every argument We ever had was my fault and Oscar was always right.
I feel the same way, ma.
I wish i'd listened more.
Dad was always right.
You know, you two just repeated yourselves, But that's okay, because I think that Oscar Was always right about everything And you two were always wrong.
I just wanted you to know that.
I'm sparky.
He's clark.
Goodbye, Oscar.
Goodbye forever.
Hey, Emma? I'll help ya pick out your rice krispie squares.
What are you doin'? Brent, today is my day to wear the shirt.
I'm sorry, Hank.
I just forgot to do laundry.
Well, I just I totally wasted a shirt credit.
I'll lend you one of mine.
Look, This is easy for you.
You have shirt powers.
But you're forgetting, with great shirt powers Comes great shirt responsibilities.
You just used your shirt powers for evil, Brent.
I mean look at us.
We're We're identical.
We're not identical.
I have different pants than you.
I don't even want to get into your pants.
You're not gonna with that kinda whining.
Hey, Wanda, you don't think I use my shirt powers for evil, do ya? I can't say that it's occurred to me.
What's in the bag? Coffin nails.
Cigarettes? No, actual coffin nails.
They're for my dad.
Oh, the infinity king.
How's that going? Ah, it's morbid.
I hope this thing doesn't bring him down, you know? I don't think it's morbid.
Only the man who is prepared for death can truly be alive.
Who said that? Me.
I'm right here.
welcome, everybody, To the first Dog River pilates class.
Um, for those who haven't met me, i'm Lacey Burrows.
Now, this is the first class, uh, i've taught And I do get a little bit nervous Speaking in front of groups.
Hey, I have to admit, now that i'm here, It's It's pretty okay.
Um, are there any questions? Do I get a nametag? Hey, Paul, wine me.
Sure thing.
How was class? Not so good.
I don't know why, but people here Seem hostile to the whole idea.
You got to give people time.
When mrs.
WapiskI started her macrame class, People picketed.
They picketed macrame? Said it was a waste of string.
How many people showed up? Well, that's the thing, nobody.
Well, just Davis.
Ouch.
Did he like it? You know, I think he did.
He's going 120! Yep.
Are you gonna pull him over? No.
Why? I can't move right now.
I'm just gonna sit here for a while.
Gosh, I wish I could figure out Why everybody is so down on pilates.
Well, I mean he did kill jesus.
It's a different guy.
Well, he gave the order.
No, pontius is a different guy from pilates.
Ah, forget it.
So what is pilates, again? Well, it's a way of unifying mind I know, but what is it actually? What do you do? Oh.
You sit on a mat and hold various positions.
Oh.
Like mat class.
Mat class? Yeah, mat class.
Wanda teaches mat class.
She's great at mat class.
I go to Wanda's mat class.
Oh, she's pissed at you, Starting your own rival pilates class.
"I took a class in Toronto, I'm gonna show people how it's done.
" Oh, god! Plus people find it suspicious if it's a class that's "Free.
" Oh.
I'm gonna have to talk to Wanda.
See? This is what you get for takin' chances.
What did I tell you? Play it safe.
Hey! * * hey, Emma! Emma! what? I finished a bookshelf.
Well, I got to admit, that That looks pretty good.
Damn straight.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Shut up.
okay, so tell me again.
okay.
You can use a serif typeface or sans serif typeface.
Or you can mix a serif typeface with a sans serif typeface, But you can't use a serif with another serif Or combine two different sans serif typefaces.
Simple.
Why can't you get this? I should just buy a typewriter.
Hi, Hank.
Hiya, Lacey.
Karen.
Brent.
I see you're wearing the shirt.
Well, i've been thinking, uh, I might just wear this shirt every day from now on.
Fine.
I might too.
Good.
Fine.
Oh, and i'm havin' a coffee.
So if you have a coffee, we're both drinkin' the same drink And people might think we're on some kinda coffee team.
Don't mock me! Pact breaker.
You're not good enough to wear that shirt.
This is stupid.
You value this shirt more than your friendship? Yeah.
Absolutely.
It's the best shirt i've ever owned.
It's comfortable.
Looks good.
You can wear it tucked or untucked.
Plus it's got style.
Most shirts have buttons on the right.
This shirt has buttons on the left.
That's panache.
The buttons are on the left.
He knows his shirt.
I'll give him that.
You know what it means if a shirt has buttons on the left? It's european? No.
It's a girl's shirt.
You guys are wearing ladies' shirts.
Nice blouses, boys.
Lookin' good, Hank.
You too, buddy.
So does this whole shirt fiasco mean You don't have shirt powers anymore? I still have my powers.
They just work mostly on t-Shirts.
Buttons are like kryptonite to me.
how was I supposed to know you run a pilates class? It's listed in the community calendar.
But you call it mat class.
I wasn't gonna call it pilates.
Everybody would think it was guy from the bible.
The guy who killed jesus?Well Can I sign up? We're full.
Are you full or are you "full?" Full! Closed captioning by Www.
Verticalsync.
Com * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * it's a great big place * * full of nothin' but space * * and it's my happy place * * I don't know yes you do * * you just won't admit it * * I don't know the same things you don't know * We're on the interweb at cornergas.
Com * I don't know * * I just don't know **