Coupling (2000) s01e03 Episode Script

it's only an interview.
only an interview? Only an interview?! what if I panic? What--what if I say an accidental word? an accidental word? well, there's pressure, you know.
the wrong word could just pop out of my mouth by accident.
like what? nipples.
why would you say "nipples" in an interview? because I've just put the idea in my head, haven't I? now I've got a flashing sign in my brain saying, "nipples, nipples, nipples.
" all right, why nipples? Why not thighs? oh, great.
thanks a lot! now I've got thighs in my head, too! how could you say "thighs" to a person with an interview? sorry.
I mean, why don't you just throw in vulva? vulva! good evening, boys.
what's the matter with him? he's got female body parts multiplying in his brain.
excellent.
okay, tip number one--this is major.
imagine your interview panel naked.
naked? really cuts them down to size.
it's a recognized technique.
so the interview panel might know about the technique? well, yeah.
so they might retaliate.
retaliate? .
.
They might imagine Me naked.
you think the interview panel is going to imagine you naked? Jeff, you area pioneer of paranoia.
I'm gonna be sitting there trying to convince them that I am a safe choice for senior accountant, and, suddenly, I'm a naked man saying "vulva.
" you're just going to sit on a chair and talk.
it's not difficult.
not difficult.
Not difficult? I've got accidental words to worry about.
thanks to Patrick here, I've got nudity projection.
and there's the giggle loop, of course.
what? what's a giggle loop? don't! don't ask.
to know about the giggle loop is to become part.
.
Of the giggle loop.
well, I think we can take it.
( gasps ) no.
You're not ready for the giggle loop.
basically, it's like a feedback loop.
you're somewhere quiet.
there's people.
it's a solemn occasion-- a wedding.
no, it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.
right.
Got you.
okay, minute's silence ticking away.
( clicks tongue ) the giggle loop begins.
suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head.
the worst thing I could possibly do during a minute's silence is laugh.
and as soon as you think that, you almost.
.
Do laugh-- automatic reaction.
but you don't, you control yourself.
you're fine.
( exhales loudly ) but then you think how terrible it would've been if you'd laughed out loud in the middle of a minute's silence.
and so you nearly do it again, only this time it's a bigger laugh.
and then you think how awful this bigger laugh would've been.
and so you nearly laugh again, only this time it's a very big laugh, it's an enormous laugh.
let this bastard out, and you get whiplash.
and, suddenly, you're in the middle of this completely silent room.
and your shoulders are going like you're drilling the road.
and what do you think of this situation? oh, dear Christ, you think it's funny! excuse me, what are you doing? it's a giggle loop.
it's not a loop, it's a stack.
I couldn't call it a giggle stack now, could I? that would sound ridiculous.
exactly.
( sobbing )Steve.
Jane.
my auntie Margaret's dead! right.
well, say something.
shit.
shit?! she's just died! do you think you could be a little more appropriate? can I come in? Now? of course now! but Susan could phone.
so? well, so if you're here, it's going to be a problem.
oh, for god's sake! she could come to the door.
She could fax.
for Christ's sake, my aunt's just died.
my aunt who practically brought me up.
you can't be here, Jane, please.
( sobbing ) it was a heart attack.
early this afternoon, she just dropped dead.
it hasn't really sunk in yet.
umWell, why don't you go home and wait for a bit? I wouldn't want to comfort you prematurely.
it'd be such a waste.
look, Jane, I can't be the one who comforts you now.
I'm going out with Susan.
Susan's got an aunt of her own.
I have to worry about Susan's aunt.
why? What's wrong with her? nothing, she's very healthy.
sorry, sorry, I realize this is not the moment to slap you in the face with Susan's healthy aunt.
my aunt was healthy, too.
My aunt was Extremely healthy.
why do you just assume I don't have a healthy aunt? well, you just told me she dropped dead this afternoon.
you can't judge someone's health by one day! look, Susan's aunt Susan's aunt! Susan's aunt! that's all you ever talk about these days! look, listen! all I'm trying to say is that as much as I like Susan's aunt, I'm not going to go to her funeral unless she dies.
.
During my relationship with Susan.
well, I wonder if Susan's aunt realizes that.
well, I can hardly tell her.
it might seem strangely pressuring.
so you're not coming with me to my aunt's funeral? I wouldn't enjoy it.
look, I'm not trying to get back with you.
I just don't want to go to this funeral alone.
I'm sorry, Jane.
my aunt would've wanted you at her funeral.
we were together for 4 1/2 years.
you were part of her life for 4 1/2 years! well, then it's hardly my fault she's missed the window.
the window? am I just some kind of joke to you now? of course you're not some sort of joke.
( snorts ) ( gasps ) Jane, wait! Jane! what the hell do you take me for, Steve?! I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt! that can so easily be misinterpreted.
evening.
yup, evening.
I said I couldn't go.
why not? I didn't think you'd want me to.
It's Jane, it's my ex.
so what? You're friends.
you should be there for her.
I can't believe you could be so cold.
I was being faithful.
look, phone herNow.
tell her you were being an idiot.
shirt? kitchen.
right.
what, so you're okay about me being somewhere with Jane? Steve, it's a funeral.
they're going to cremate an old lady.
I don't think it's going to lead to anything.
skirt? behind the telly.
Oh, right.
Jane: hello? Jane, hi, it's Steve.
Steve.
look, I've been having a long chat with Susan about this being faithful to dead aunts thing, and, well, to cut a long story short, she was being an idiot.
how did Susan manage to be an idiot when she wasn't even in the conversation? well, exactly.
Women, eh? anyway, look, the point is-- of course I can come to the funeral with you.
it's the least I can do.
oh, Steve! .
.
Thank you so much.
hey, no problem.
listen.
Big favour, and I'm really sorry to ask.
it's just, well, my family like you a lot, and they don't know that we've split up.
do we have to tell them at the funeral? it would just be so awful in front of everyone.
well-- we don't have to pretend to be together.
we just don't tell them we're apart, okay? please.
okay, yeah.
I don't see why that should be a problem.
can you find out when it is, in case I have to take a day off work? sorry? Can you find out what day we're going? right.
Jane um, Susan was just asking can she come, too? why would Susan want to come to my aunt's funeral? well, she's never met her.
listen, Steve, if you bring your new girlfriend to my aunt's funeral in front of everyone I know, it'll be completely humiliating for me.
.
.
Can't you see that? Well so just explain that to Susan.
okay, right, absolutely, I'll explain it.
that's what I'm going to do.
Susan? Yeah? it's a really small chapel.
what? very, very small.
it's strictly one guest per griever.
well, you're a griever.
I can be your guest.
well, no--technically, I'm a griever's guest, and griever's guests can't bring guests 'cause otherwise the whole thing is just going to turn into anOrgy.
a funeral's going to turn into an orgy? it's a risk, yes.
she hasn't told her friends you split up, has she? she wants you there as her boyfriend.
well-- you haven't agreed to that, have you? of course I haven't.
Don't be ridiculous.
you can just explain to her that I'll be there as your girlfriend.
I'm sure she'll understand.
right, absolutely.
I'll tell her that.
good.
yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
Right.
Jane, what Susan, in fact, feels is-- she'd love a word.
Jane, I'm so sorry to hear about your auntie.
oh, that's so sweet of you.
I said to Steve he must go to the funeral.
well, you must come, too.
are you sure? Absolutely.
see you there.
Bye.
bye.
she's not passing you off as her boyfriend! she's not telling people she's your girlfriend! what's the matter with you? this was your idea! can't you see what she's doing? tell me you don't see something funny about what she's doing! there's nothing funny about it! ( snorts ) Susan! she's not doing anything! She's got a dead aunt! oh, for Christ's sake! Susan.
anyone can have a dead aunt! evening.
evening.
da da da da.
I know exactly what you're going to say.
I want you to be Susan's date at Jane's aunt's funeral.
okay, a bit out there.
what did you think I was going to say? oh, well, you see, I thought you were going to notice that I'm looking kind of cool, kind of confident.
why? I'm imagining people naked.
oh, so why am I Susan's date? so people don't think she's my date.
Jane hasn't told her family that we've split up yet, so I don't want everyone thinking I'm there with Susan, so Susan's going to need a decoy date.
and what does Susan think of that? are you imagining me naked? I'm imagining everybody naked.
it's automatic now.
look, Susan doesn't have to know that you're her date.
if the four of us stick together, everyone's going to assume that I'm there with Jane and you're there with Susan.
that way, no one asks any questions, and everyone gets out of the funeral alive.
except Jane's aunt.
well, it's her funeral.
She's an acceptable casualty.
are you still imagining me naked? well, you're perfect practice for me.
I've seen you naked.
I've got something to base it on.
when? when we were camping.
you were pissed.
You went in the river.
oh, it was a very cold river, Jeff.
so? so, you've got to take that into account when you're imagining me.
I'm warmer now.
You've got to compensate.
look, it's my imagination.
I could knock off a couple of inches.
only if you come to the funeral.
only if you get the drinks.
spotty ass.
Patrick, I need you.
excellent.
When and where? I want you to be my date at Steve's ex-girlfriend's aunt's funeral.
I like it.
then I can be the pizza boy, .
.
And you can be working late.
Patrick, this is not a sex game.
I'm asking you a favour, and sex is not involved.
and you're admitting that up front? you see where you've gone wrong? look, Steve's going with his ex and me, but I think he's going to pretend to be with her, so I want my ex thereto show him what it feels like.
I couldn't do that to Steve.
He's a friend.
oh, so tell me about your friend, pizza boy.
are we playing now? does your dick do all the thinking, Patrick? uh, I don't know, I'll ask it.
that is the single lamest attempt anyone has ever made to get me to go out with them.
sally, how do you fancy coming with me to Susan's new boyfriend's ex's aunt's funeral? I don't do funerals.
sally, please! Patrick, I'm a career beautician.
I have devoted my life to the fight against aging.
a funeral is like the headquarters of aging.
it'd be like jams bond going into the spectre control centre.
I'd be recognized.
but I need a decoy date.
I can't go with Susan right in front of Steve.
you don't understand.
have you seen dead people? trust me, death is the best argument for moisturizer.
you can't prevent death with face cream.
that's what everyone thinks, but no one's ever used it in the quantities I do.
it's just one afternoon in a crematorium.
she's being cremated? that's so unhygienic.
I refuse to breathe a dead person.
it's just a funeral.
Everybody's been to funerals.
even you've been to a funeral.
yes, but I didn't inhale.
there's going to be a lot of old people there.
you'd be the most moist.
just, umGoing to a funeral.
is it an aunt? yeah.
good luck.
four of them four of your friends.
look, I explained.
Susan won't let me go with you unless she brings Patrick.
Patrick won't come unless sally comes.
and Jeff won't back out 'cause he's the only one who actually knew your aunt, and he thinks it's unfair if he's left behind.
I think your friends have behaved appallingly, and you should tell them that.
you tell them.
it's your job to tell them.
they're your friends.
I'd feel stupid.
the very least you can do, Steve, is tell them! you've all behaved appallingly.
will you guys hurry up? and stop playing reservoir dogs.
all: sorry.
auntie Muriel.
Jane, my dear.
we're not going onto the crematorium till 2:00.
have a sausage roll.
we're eating before the funeral.
isn't that a little unusual? well, I'm hungry now.
anyway, I never liked the bitch.
sausage roll? everyone, this is my auntie.
all: hello.
we're going onto the crematorium at half past two.
aren't you cutting it a bit fine? my other auntie, Patrick.
I'm Muriel.
Margaret's in the box.
half past? You said 2:00.
half past-- she's quite stable.
sausage roll, Margaret? oh, no, you're dead.
vicar: Jane.
what a sad day.
but you look lovelier than ever.
oh, thank you.
now, I can never remember-- which of these lads is your young man? um, hang on.
well, I'm with sally.
I thought you were with Susan.
no, I'm with Susan.
I must be with Jane, then.
vicar, hello, nice to see you again.
where have you been? I can't go around with you unless Susan goes with Patrick, and he won't go near her because of me.
oh, for heaven's sake! do you really think I'm trying to get back with you? aren't you? no.
I'm pleased you're with Susan.
she's perfect for you.
she's lovely.
She's very sexy.
yeah, she is, isn't she? absolutely.
I quite fancy her myself.
really? not really my type, but I could've gone for her.
you're lucky you saw her first.
really? look, i suppose this funeral thing was my fault.
i should've known how it was going to look to susan.
i'm going to go and square it with her, okay? really? coming? actually, i'm going to stand behind this table for a bit.
what? yeah, i'm just going to stand here for a bit.
why? it's your fault--talking about women.
oh, for heaven's sake! Sorry.
how much longer? um, about the usual amount.
how much longer in minutes, steve? oh, umNot very.
sounds familiar.
i wish you'd have mentioned this lesbian obsession when we were going out.
at least then we could've had some threesomes.
we could've had threesomes? a couple of my girlfriends suggested it.
i didn't think you'd be interested.
we could've had threesomes? there's no point going on about it now, is there? it's too late.
we went out for 4 1/2 years.
You never said.
aw, steve it's hardly my fault you missed theWindow.
are you all right? no, not really.
it's a very difficult time, this.
( gasping )very difficult.
let it out, son.
let it go.
i think that might be best.
i think we ought to talk.
about what? i think you know about what.
excuse me.
oh, my god! what's wrong? Nothing.
nothing, i just got a bit of a fright.
i was just saying to my friend here, you look so like me when i was younger.
don't be horrible.
pardon? sorry, no, um she's like me in my wedding photographs, isn't she? what age was i then? about 40? about 40, yes.
i don't look 40! so do you know any of these people? no, not really.
well, nobody upright.
i don't know how you cope.
i hate it in a room full of people i don't know.
oh, well, you see, i have a secret.
i have a special way of looking at people.
nothing can frighten me now.
you want the rest of this? what about the ear thing? Does he still do that? oh, god, the ear thing! vv( clicks tongue )( screams ) what does he think that's going to do? ( both laugh ) and look at my neck.
look at the under hang of my jaw.
no way is that a yeah, it's getting a bit segmented.
what do you mean? that's how it starts, you know.
( gasps )don't touch me! i'm full of moisturizer.
You might drain it all off! what? It'd be like rain on the desert-- it'd all get sucked away.
you'd probably reflate.
rr45.
What? i was 45 when i got married, when i looked just like you.
and what age are you now?92.
well, you must be getting pretty nervous, then.
nervous? let's be honest, this has got to be your last funeral standing up.
you use a lot of face cream, don't you? yes.
so did i.
jeff? ( tearfully )what? what's the matter with you? i can't turn off the naked people.
great! what do you mean," great"? oh! Ugh! it's disgusting! exactly.
if everyone else is disgusting, that means you must be the best.
hmm? you're going to walk that interview, jeff.
i am, aren't i? jane: oh, look there, we've made up.
happy now? susan, this is awful! what's happened? i'm getting older, and i'm going to die.
i knew this would happen if i came to a funeral.
oh, look, it's my other new friend sally.
isn't this nice? look at us, steve.
What a threesome.
you should see this the way i do.
excuse me.
could you just hang on for a moment? i'm sorry? we--we just want to umSay good-bye.
just take a moment.
would you like me to open the casket so you can see her? yeah, that would probably do the trick.
vicar, clapping hands: everybody! i just thought, before we go onto the crematorium, we should take a moment to remember margaret here, in her home, which she loved so much.
so, let's have a minute's silence starting now.
( ticking loudly ) ( glass shattering ) ( woman laughing ) ( woman laughing hysterically ) well, you've got to laugh.
we're ready for you now, Mr.
Murdock.
woman: good morning, Mr.
Murdock.
Mr.
Murdock? are you all right, Mr.
Murdock? Dictate: Samantha Chang