Crashing (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - Everyone fucks everyone eventually.
- Hey! Sugar-tits.
Don't speak to him.
She is red zone! She's basically my sister.
He calls her "my Lulu".
I'm not in love with you.
Why are you wearing a hat? Colin! 'I think you should live with me.
' I think you would like being painted.
I would be generous with your penis.
- Fred.
- Yeah.
- This ain't never gonna happen.
OK.
Oh, please, if you're about to say something like "porn is killing sex" we are going to have a massive argument.
- Please don't say it.
- Porn is killing sex.
- Bring it.
Listen, hot chops, I've wanked over the entire internet.
Computer screens used to give me faster boners than a flash of a tit and that is NOT normal.
- Can we please stop talking about porn? - Lulu, you're supposed to be helping me! You know that a common side effect of excessive porn use is erectile dysfunction - Are you getting better boners? - What do you think is holding the table up? Lulu, kitchen now! - Guys, am I too much? - Aiiiiiiii! Aiiiii! - Hot, hot, hot! You look lovely.
Cheers.
Sam helped.
Ladies and gentlemen This is my greatest achievement.
You look SO hot! Here, try this.
Is it a hot one? No.
It's sweet.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you for letting me stay here.
I know it can't have been ideal me just turning up out of the Oh, my GOD! You are a BASTARD! You bastard! You bastard! I should have seen it coming, you fucker! Fred, where's your date? We need to get going.
- I'll call him again.
- Stood UUPPP.
- He's probably just got stuck on a - Penis.
- Train.
- Penis train.
He'll be here.
He's very reliable.
Whoohoo! Reliable! So, go on, pray tell us all about the penis train.
Oh, yeah, well He-he's lovely.
Yeah, he's really, um He's just so nice to me, I-I don't I just I mean, it's early days.
What's wrong with you? It's broken.
- Oh, it's broken! - Don't mess me up, OK? I like him.
Yeah sure.
Never seen you look so sexy.
OK, here we go.
Can we move that, please? - Yup.
- OK.
Tonight there will be three curries - this first one is Vindalulu?! Yeah.
No.
Now it's called Katie Korma.
What?! But it's not even a korma.
No, it's always been a korma.
You were just so chuffed with your wordplay I couldn't break it to you.
- Wow.
- It was named after you first? Oh, it seems I was just the holding name until he got himself an actual girlfriend.
Fiancee.
Fiancee.
Sorry, I forgot people still did that.
Don't get weird about it.
It's a curry.
I'm not being weird about it! He meant her.
That's embarrassing.
Ah.
I'll get over it.
- Where's Melody? - She's still painting Colin.
- I bet she is.
Lulu, go get her.
ALL CHA Mate, if this bhaji was a hat, Kate would wear it to work.
It's like you've come in my mouth.
Thanks, guys.
And the chutney? ALL COMMENT AT ONCE Mmmm, tastes like cunt.
Thanks, baby.
- INDIAN ACCENT: OK, OK, OK.
- Don't.
But why not-ah? It's curry night! It's offensive.
What? WHY? I'm good at it No, you're not.
Can we just serve the curry? - Yeah.
- But why is it offensive? - IRISH ACCENT: Would you say that this is offensive, now Anthony? - Yes.
Very.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Is this? This is, like, totally offensive, right? - Doing an Indian accent is different.
- Why can't I do an Indian accent? I'm not taking the piss out of Indian people, I'm just doing the accent-ah on curry nigh t-ah! It's racist.
OK.
How is it racist?! It just is.
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
- Because it makes you feel like you are around Indian people? - No.
I didn't say - Am I making you feel uncomfortable, Kate? - Do you want him to leave? I just feel there are certain connotations that come with mocking certain accents.
Come on, it's not the 1980s any more.
You can do an accent without it being mocking! POSH ACCENT: Is this offending any of you, darlings? I just got hard.
You can't censor an Indian accent just because it makes YOU feel uncomfortable.
If anything, that's racist.
I don't know why it makes me feel weird.
It just does.
EXAGGERATED ACCENT: Oh, do the accent, Katy.
LAUGHTER AND ENCOURAGEMEN Do the accent, Katy.
No! Can we just, um The pomegranate seeds might be a little bit too much, I'm not sure.
- What, there's - They're in the raita.
EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT: I'm going to pop my belly if I don't have my papadums soon, ya? You understand me, ya? Maybe it is racist.
Jesus, Kate.
This is really beautiful food.
Yeah, with herbs it would be even better, actually.
It shouldn't really need herbs.
The worst thing about it is, a part of him always knew it was happening, but he was just too much of a coward to be alone.
He'd rather have her while she's being licked out by her accountant, than not have her at all.
Romantic, pathetic, beautiful.
It's so many things.
Wow.
Yes, I wasn't expecting her to tell you all that.
You're through the worst now.
He also has sometimes touched himself thinking of the two of them together.
He is a sexually complicated man.
But with a huge heart.
- Right.
- A huge, broken, heart.
- OK, Melody.
- Shattered.
Bum out.
No, no, look.
She has found love with Brian.
I cannot begrudge her that.
Your pain is so beautiful.
Thank you.
- Have you been in touch with Cara? - Yes She, uh sent me a photo of her garden.
Her front garden? No, although she does have a lovely little front garden.
But I only paid attention to the back garden.
More space for aggressive seeding and such.
It was rather a weekend passion of mine.
Can we see a picture of her back garden? Of course.
If you like that sort of thing.
Here are the lovely camellias.
And you can just make out that climbing rose blossoming through the sweet peas.
- What's that? That's Brian jumping through the sprinkler in front of the chrysanthemums.
- He's very - Hairy, yes.
I haven't that gift, I'm afraid.
I think it's beautiful.
That you tried.
She let you down.
You held your end up.
Good for you.
Thank you, Sam.
- Are you trying to have sex with someone here? - No.
UKULELE STRUMS OK.
It's Ukululu time.
We're going to play Truth Songs.
So, fill your cups.
It's time to get to know each other properly and these are the only two ways I know how to do it.
I have work tomorrow.
Ah, we all do.
- Well - What? You're a receptionist.
And? Well Sing one about this deliciously spicy curry! OK.
I really liked the curry Which is really lucky Cos Kate told us to big it up whether we did or not.
APPLAUSE Is that true? No.
Yes.
Who's next?! Kate do one! Excellent idea! - Do one about - Nothing sexual, please.
orgasms! I'm not going to sing about orgasms! ALL: Come on! UKULELE STRUMS They feel really nice They feel really nice I really like orgasms They happen down there.
You nailed it, babe.
I want to do one with Colin, about love.
Hold my hand.
- Oooooo - Oooooo Why am I here? Most mornings I wish I was dead.
Wow.
Fucking amazing.
TIMER DINGS Second curry.
What's that smell? It's the next curry.
Ooh, lovely.
Why did you tell Lulu about my orgasm thing? I didn't.
Why did you tell everyone to pretend to like my meal? I didn't.
Why did you tell Lulu I've never jizzed? I didn't! Baby, you can't say jizzed.
Well, she's fucking intuitive then, picking ME to sing the one song about orgasms.
Lucky I pulled it off.
Later.
Please.
This one is fish.
It's all in the timing.
Promise me she doesn't know.
I promise.
- Swear on our future children.
- I swear.
Kate can't co-me.
I was singing about how how you can't come to the cinema with Sam and Fred tomorrow.
- Sure.
- Seriously, I didn't know.
Seriously, it's OK.
I didn't know.
Anthony never tells me anything any more.
Seriously.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
I can get the ukulele if you'd rather sing about it.
- I could fucking murder you sometimes.
- Sorry.
Hey, I'm a good listener, though.
- I'm sure you - What? I just feel like everyone else can jizz at the drop of a cock.
Tell me about it.
You struggle as well? Oh, no, sorry.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
I get close just looking at The Shard.
- Huh - DOOR BANGS Lulu, get out, come on.
I can feel you ruining my relationship from here.
It's OK, baby.
I know you didn't say anything.
We're just chatting.
- About what? - The Shard.
- Get out of there! - We're bonding! I'm serious! She's a teenage boy, she has nothing to offer! It's OK, baby.
We'll be down in a minute.
I know you didn't tell her anything.
Yeah, well, I don't like it.
Is it really gross for you to talk about all this stuff? I know you two are like siblings, right? - No, it's fine.
- Siblings right? Yes.
Look, the main thing about orgasms Oh, fuck's sake.
I HAVE jizzed.
I've just never with Anthony.
- Ooh.
- Please don't tell him I told you.
- Course.
- I don't want it to mean we're not happy.
It doesn't.
Happy people jizz.
Everyone has a thing.
You probably just haven't found yours yet.
You've got to keep experimenting.
Don't give up.
SHE SLAPS HER THIGH Thanks.
(I did actually come in here because I need a poo.
) Sure.
Hey.
What are you doing? Wow! Nothing.
Come on.
Tell me, like Why is this one not right for me? Too kind? Too successful? Too attractive? You've got a bogey.
I know that's not true.
Fuck you.
No, come on.
Please, tell me.
- I do think she's right for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm just not sure you're right for her.
You don't even come together.
I told you that in confidence.
Aw, shit.
Lulu I'm really fucking happy now.
I don't think you are.
Stop trying to fuck Sam.
You're embarrassing yourself and I don't want him to catch anything.
Hey, guys.
Sorry to interruptaroo.
You don't know where I can find a little fella called Fred, do you? CHATTER TALK GROWS LOUDER - Go on! - No, no way! No, I hardly know you guys.
Look, if I can do a song, then you can! It's rather liberating.
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you can't sing, it's not about that.
It's about truth! Just fucking do it.
Only if Fred gives me the topic.
Ooh, me? Oh, I don't know I feel under pressure now.
- How about, um - Cock? Sam.
How about penguins? - Lovely! Excellent choice, Fred.
Classic Fred.
I'll sing you a song about penguins and Oh, oh, my God.
Oh, no, no! It's good.
One more go, one more go.
- Just do it again.
- All right, come on.
With groove, groove it.
And I wish that I could sing about those penguins But all that I have in my head, yeah Is a tune, a tune, a tune About the most beautiful creature in the world So I guess I got to sing So I guess I got to sing I got to sing about Fred! CHEERING I want to do one.
You can't beat that! I think I surprised myself with that one! Oh-oh-oh-oh! I'm going to have to strap you in, baby girl.
TABLE SHAKES Oh! Why am I the only ones drunk? Cos you drank everyone's wine.
Sam, help me, would you? - Sam? - Yeah.
So, Lulu - Pretty full-on, yeah.
- She's trying to piss me off.
She doesn't actually want to have sex with you.
- She does.
- She doesn't.
Mmm.
She does.
She doesn't.
- She does.
- I don't have time to do this.
She doesn't.
She doesn't.
Can you carry those in? So, just to be clear you still want to bang Lulu? No! No.
OK, cool! So she's not red zone any more? - Do what you want, man.
- Really? No! But, yeah, sure.
But no.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
No.
Cool? Are you OK? No.
That'll keep me busy for a couple of weeks.
And then Colin? I suppose a drop more can't hurt.
Then I'm whisking Fred away to this lovely little villa that I've got in Palma.
- Aw, how romantic.
Are we nearly finished? - Nope, no-one move.
- Ow! Melody, Fred hit me! - Fred, do it again.
Give me that.
I'm so sorry about this, Will.
Don't make crazy Fred come to town, OK? ALL: Oh! You have ruined the shirt! It was my shirt! I've ruined MY shirt.
And "crazy Fred"? Oh, you're adorable.
Stop touching me.
I'm not adorable.
- I'm a man.
- All right, stop showing off, you little squid.
I made you.
Excuse me? Give me my shirt back.
- What? - I don't think that's necessary, is it? Now.
All yours.
OK Now let's play "who's going to have sex tonight?" Melody and Colin! That is not what this is.
Oh, come on.
We've all seen you sneaking out of Melody's room like a satisfied little squirrel.
- Come on, Colin.
- Aw, Lolita, don't run! Oh, God, I think I'll, erm It's OK, Colin.
You're going through a big life change.
You're bound to make very odd decisions.
I understand English, you know.
Why is everyone freaking out? Zey are lovers.
Let zem be! Is zat offensive, Anthony? He's not my lover! He's my muse! - Please excuse me.
- Merci.
- I warned you he was fragile.
- He's an adult.
- Well, he just stormed off like a little baby.
- Your muse?! - Well, I think that's just lovely.
- Me, too.
- No, you don't.
Like an artist's muse?! - Just lovely.
- Yes, he is! You think meeting someone like Colin happens to artists all the time?! He gives SO much.
Yeah, sure, and you just lap it up and just slap it on a canvas.
Pardon? "His pain is so beautiful.
" You're using him to indulge yourself.
I am indulging.
And what is this? That is a?4 bottle of wine.
COMMOTION What did I just say?! That's expensive! Can we all grow up for a second here, please? - I can't believe you can't come.
- Sorry if I upset you, Melody.
You don't upset me.
You bore me.
All you seem to want to do is drink and wank and drink and wank.
Well, at least I don't have to wank other people's pain onto a canvas, and then shove it in people's faces and call it "my art.
" Well, at least I don't have to stare at other people's miserable, naked bodies to make me feel something.
This is so hot.
Isn't that exactly what you're doing with Colin? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, should I call him your muse? Maybe Kate should try staring at a naked Colin to help her orgasm debut.
I have had an orgasm! You are all obsessed with sex! - Don't walk out on this, this is the big one, this is the curr-icane! I can't bear it, mate.
I'm going to have to make her come.
I have had an orgasm! This is a very delicate mix of three very unusual, sought-after spices.
This is the first time I've managed to make it.
Three days to marinate.
- What does it feel like, then? - Oh, leave her alone.
- Can we focus on the curries, please? - You blatantly haven't.
- She has! - I have had an orgasm! She's just never orgasmed with Anthony! Can we drop the wind-ups for a second, Lu?! OK I am just going to gather up all of this negative energy and I'm just going to pop it in here, OK? Don't put it in there.
I've spent three days marinating! - No! - Oh, God, it's delicious, it's delicious.
- Come on, baby, let's go to bed.
- Try.
- Anthony.
- Fuck! - I'll do it, I'll do it! Aww.
Our first fight.
G'day.
I'm going to go and get you a big pint of water, OK? Fred, have you got some cups and some cloths? Yes.
Sure.
This way.
Your friends are lunatics.
I know.
Ugh! SHE GROANS Oooh Hey.
Ooh.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's tempting, Chuckles, but I'm too full.
Aw, come on.
Get your tits out.
We can't.
Sorry.
No! I'll let you call me Fred! That was a joke.
I thought you left.
So did I.
- You don't have to be here if you can't handle - No.
I want to be here.
I want to be the pain in your paintings so to speak.
Merci, Colin.
Yup.
That's OK.
Yup.
Yup.
This is humiliating.
No, baby, it's not.
We've just got to find our thing.
- HE SNIFFS - I'm sorry.
I don't want to Whoo! cry in front of you, but No, no That's fine.
Maybe we're just going to have to admit that we're not Keep crying.
Don't stop crying compatible - Yeah! - Keep going.
- .
.
together.
- Think about how sad that makes you.
- Keep crying! - HE SOBS Cry! Cry! Oh, yeah! Please, cry! Oh, you're sad! Yeah! Ugh! UGH! - Did you? - Yep.
Yeah, I did.