Crashing (US) (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Yard Sale
1 [vehicles honking outside.]
[distant siren wailing.]
[clock ticking loudly.]
[clocks ticking loudly.]
- [ticking grows louder.]
- [sirens wailing loudly.]
[vehicles honking outside.]
[door thuds.]
Ladies and gentlemen, TJ Miller! What's up, man? What What's going on? [voice amplified.]
How we all doing tonight? You know, I have a prescription for marijuana.
It's for anxiety.
Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
[recorded audience cheering.]
What is that? Is that like, a fake toy microphone? Here's somebody right here.
- Let's give it up for this guy.
- [recorded applause playing.]
- Let's give him a hand.
- [cheering.]
- I said a hand.
- [applause, cheering.]
- I said a hand.
- [applauding.]
Are you Are you okay, man? Thank you, Jennifer.
And I hope you're doing great because you deserve to be doing great.
- You're a great person.
- Thank you.
Can I? Is it too much? Yeah! [chuckles.]
I got you another one.
I didn't want the first one.
Why not? - Because it's morning time.
- Yeah.
It's 11:00 a.
m.
somewhere.
Yeah, here.
So how many days have you been out on the road? That was my first road gig, actually, ever.
I've never I've never performed outside of the city before.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, God, that was the tail end of it for me.
- What do you mean? - I've done 24 cities in four weeks.
I mean, imagine that.
24 hour-long sets.
That's a full day of comedy that I've been doing - on the road.
- That is crazy.
It really fries you.
That's the thing, is that when you're open mic-ing, it's like a party.
Comedy every single night.
You're meeting the people that you want to hang out with every week.
Those are your friends.
Then, as you become more successful, you start having to do all of it alone.
When I bomb, there's no, like, shots afterwards with all of your friends.
It's very lonely.
So, why do you do it? I mean 'Cause we have to, man.
- For money? - No.
We do it because comedy is kind of a new religion.
You're traveling, you're preaching to people this ideology of seeing everything with a smile.
You know? People need it.
You think touring comedians are like preachers? Yeah, exactly.
Except we're better than priests because we're not lying.
[phone ringing.]
Jess: Hello? Hey.
It's me.
Peter? Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you.
Oh, uh, yeah.
I've been trying to reach you.
I I lost my phone.
Are you okay? No, yeah.
Things are the same.
Oh.
So what's up? I have a favor to ask.
I was wondering if you could come over here and get some of your stuff.
You want me to get my stuff? Of course.
I'm sorry, but this is happening, you know? I'm moving to Tampa.
I can't take all this stuff with me, and I can't stay here.
Oh, well, I'm sorry our house is tainted with memories of our love.
That must be really hard for you.
Pete, it is hard for me.
So, if you could just come by tomorrow morning, that would be great.
What? Why? I'm having a yard sale.
What?! I can't I can't believe you would even think about doing that without talking to me! That's my stuff! I've been trying to reach you, but you never answer your phone.
Well, I don't have a phone because I got mugged, okay? That's where you sent me.
What are you talking about? I got stabbed, Jess.
- Are you okay? - What do you care? What are you selling the couch for? I don't know, like 150? One-fifty? A hundred and fif Are you shitting me?! Jess, that's not CB2, that's Crate & Barrel.
That's CB1, okay? It came assembled.
Well, I don't want it, Pete.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? That's my stuff.
You can't just sell my stuff! Don't touch my shit! Jesus.
Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else.
Alan Rickman: I am so in the wrong.
The classic fool! Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too.
[crying.]
Emma Thompson: Darling! Darling! Oh, you were wonderful! [horns honking.]
[sirens chirping.]
Mmm Hey! Good morning, little fella! Get on up here! Come on, you old coot! What time is it? You'd think I'd know, right? Clock gag.
- They're all wrong.
- Yeah, sort of.
I think what's actually wrong is that human beings arbitrarily decided on this system of time.
It's just a way for us to make sense of this meaningless world.
A nihilist would say that once we discard that meaning, we can make our own meaning, and then we become gods, masters of our own time.
The concept is vaguely Native American.
- Is this for me? - Yeah.
You made this? I even cut the toast.
Do you know the real time though, by any chance? Yeah, the clown clock is correct.
It's a little after 9:00.
I gotta get going.
Why? I'm going upstate.
It's sad.
my wife My ex-wife, she's having a yard sale.
She's selling She's selling my stuff.
You ex-wife is selling - your stuff? - My stuff.
Yeah, I gotta get up there so I can kind of create a "me pile".
The stuff that I'm gonna claim as my own and will continue into this chapter of my life while she moves to Tampa with her lover.
You want any help with that? What do you mean? Do you want me to come up there with you? You wanna come upstate with me? Yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna let you do it alone.
I mean, Jesus, that is so sad, the idea, the picture of you loading the belongings that your cheating wife didn't sell into your car? That's some Tennessee Williams shit, buddy.
I mean, I gotta witness that.
TJ: This is the life, man.
Green grass, picket fences, birds that aren't pigeons.
- I mean - You like this? I could see a world up here.
You know? You have a family, kids.
I'm doing too much comedy.
I need to go to, like, the Four Seasons for a month.
You know, like rehab, but you can drink.
I have the opposite problem.
My calendar is so empty, I open it up and Siri asks me if I'm okay.
I am doing a show tonight, actually, which is good 'cause I'm gonna need to get out of here.
I'm doing a set at the Grisly Pear.
So, look out.
What's that show? You know, it's a mic.
But, you know, as far as open mics go, it's cheaper, you know.
Some of them make you buy two drinks, which is about, like 14 bucks, but this is a two-item open mic, so you can save a little bread because I get double pretzels, which is only, like, 7.
50.
Peter, I'm sorry your wife left you.
Thanks.
Don't worry, I got your back.
I'll say some pretty shitty things to her.
Please, don't do that.
Don't Don't talk to my wife, please.
TJ: Nah.
Definitely gonna say some shit to her.
Pete, what are you doing here? Hi, Jess.
What do you mean, what am I doing here? You told me to come up.
You're selling my You're selling everything.
I told you to come in the morning.
Well, I couldn't come in the morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't drop everything.
This is very last minute.
Ski poles? Shut the fuck up! What are you doing with TJ Miller? We're friends now.
Are Are you kidding me? Wait.
You're selling my Super Nintendo? I found it in the attic.
It's old.
This isn't old.
This is an antique.
Okay, Pete, it's worthless.
Okay? I googled it.
You can't get anything for that, so who cares? With games? Yeah.
No one wants this.
"Return of the Jedi" with a Super Nintendo? That's double kitsch.
If I walked around Williamsburg with this under my arm, - I'd be a - Hi, sweeties.
Hi.
Hello, Mrs.
Potts.
How are you? - Hi.
How are you? - Oh, we're good.
Are you two moving? No.
No, no, no.
We're clearing out some clutter.
- Well, will you do five for the candles? - Yes.
- Thank you.
- Hold on.
Sorry.
- These are from Carlsbad Caverns.
- Yeah.
So they're not just, like, regular candles.
They're actually souvenirs of memories and a time that we shared.
So they're actually pretty important to me.
Well, we had a horrible time there, so One of us had a great time.
One of us said she had low blood sugar, and one of us said you should go to the snack shop.
Well, you know, they've been lit, see? Proof of concept.
They work.
They illuminate, they smell great, 15.
Sorry.
How much for the dog? Uh, yeah, she's not for sale.
This is a yard sale.
That dog's in the yard.
So I'll ask you once more.
How much for the dog? TJ: I'll give you 1,200 cash.
"All things grow with love"? You're selling "All things grow with love"? What do you want me to say, Pete? It's from our honeymoon.
I know, I'm sorry.
But it's like, we have to part with this stuff.
It's a fresh start.
I stole this from Cape May, 'cause you wanted it.
Do you want to keep that? No.
Fine.
Give it away.
Sell it.
Seriously? Brought chairs, you guys, in case you want to take a load off.
What is he doing here? I didn't think I'd see you here, brother.
Highly evolved.
Good job, Pete.
You're still holding on to a lot, Peter.
This is exactly why I told you to come in the morning, so you wouldn't see each other.
Am I seriously the only one of the three of us that doesn't want to broadcast to the entire neighborhood of people we know that you had an affair? Missus Mrs.
Potts? She loves us.
We love her too.
The Fraimens, the Scotts, everyone's so great.
The community's so lovely.
Go tune a mandolin, fucking dick-shit.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Let it out, Pete.
It's catharsis.
Let it out.
Don't tell me to let it out while I'm being mean to you.
Okay.
Is that what you think is missing from your life? You made it this far without seeing Scrubs.
Why cave now? Travel.
Make love on the beach.
- [knocks.]
- Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know if it's oak, exactly, but if I can't tell, who's gonna know? Just tell people it's oak.
It's oak.
I don't think it's oak.
I'll do 40.
They're asking 75.
It's probably oak.
Let's meet in the middle and say $60.
- 40.
- 40.
Wait.
Come here.
Come on.
Here, you seem fun, come over here.
Look, this is my upstate New York family.
You guys seen Big Hero 6? Uh-mm.
What about How to Train Your Dragon? Uh-mm.
Here, take one with mine.
- Gravity Falls? - Uh-mm.
- Yogi Bear 3D? - Uh-mm.
Give me my camera back.
I don't want to take a picture of these kids.
Actually selling a lot of stuff.
That's good.
Oh, good.
I'm glad it's going so swimmingly.
Guess what, guys? I just sold that dresser for $30.
- Nice.
- What dresser? The old gray thing with all the scratches on the knobs.
I don't think it's oak.
Our dresser? Our bedroom dresser? - I emptied it out.
- You don't understand, that's where I hid my journals.
Like, my private journals.
- Did you see journals when you clean - No.
- I taped them in the drawer.
- Shit, man! I didn't see journals, no.
Like, Composition notebooks.
That's like, my work.
He drives a blue pickup truck.
I helped him load up.
Let's go.
If we hurry, we can do it.
We're not gonna catch a man in a truck.
Peter, these are your journals.
These are the songbooks of your heart, okay? Let's do this.
Let's go find them.
He smells like kombucha.
Go! Oh, great.
It'll be an adventure, with your boyfriend.
- Here's the $30.
- Oh, good.
I love you.
[engine starts.]
[radio playing.]
Well, the first days are the hardest days So, how are you holding up? 'Cause when life looks like easy street Not great lately.
I don't know if you can tell this is difficult, to sell everything I've ever owned.
I hear you, Pete, but it's just stuff.
Man, you can't tether yourself to possessions.
It's just tethering yourself to the past, brother.
Okay, yeah, I liked being tethered to the past.
That was my home.
I liked living up here.
I liked being married.
I want to be tethered.
I hear birth pangs, man.
I hear the howling wolf mother giving birth to change.
It scares you, I get it.
You realize this is a pursuit, right? It's better just to stop.
The gas gauge is wonky.
It'll tell me a half a tank, and then all of a sudden I'm out of gas.
Brother, how's your dream, man? How's comedy going? Leif, what do you care? What do you mean? I care a lot.
I actually looked up some of your clips on YouTube and I laughed my ass off, Pete.
- You've got an incredible talent.
- Great.
That's the one thing Jess and I always disagreed on.
I think you're hilarious.
Well, sorry if I don't just forgive you for everything because you liked a YouTube video of mine.
Yeah, I get it.
Which one did you see? Uh, the bit, I think, the thing that you did about the doctors that have beards.
- I don't trust doctors with beards.
- [laughing.]
Yeah.
What are they hiding? Yeah! You have a beard.
I don't trust you.
Yeah, see? That's what I'm talking about.
Man, your brain works like that.
You have a natural ability.
And your friend TJ is really funny, too.
I hear him on satellite radio.
Yeah, he's funny.
He's great.
He's amazing.
He's like, really intense.
He's like, pedal to the metal, kind of, huh? Yeah, he's He's showbiz, man.
He's the real thing.
He can't turn it off.
He's not like a regular person.
Shit.
Yeah, that's heavy.
You know, I know social mores should dictate that, uh you know, I'm nice to you, and pretend like I like you, but I don't.
I think what you did was really shitty.
Excuse me? Pete's a good guy and actually a pretty good comedian.
And instead of supporting that 'cause he's working so hard to achieve your guys's dream of a better life, you fucked somebody else in his bed, who looks like he plays soccer.
My God I don't know what Pete told you, but I don't think you know anything about the details about why I did what I did.
I know that he's a comedian, and what we do is noble.
And that you should have supported him.
Comedy is noble? You get on stage and tell jokes - Yeah.
- and make your whole life about you, and everyone has to give you attention, and praise you all the time? I'm trying to make people happy.
What do you do? - I'm a teacher.
- Well, see, then there you go.
Your entire profession is bullshit.
The only reason people listen to teachers is because they have to.
- What grade do you teach? - Third.
Yeah, there's a lot of kids if you teach third grade that are never going to remember you.
They'll never remember your name.
What was your third grade teacher's name? Mrs.
Galendar.
Oh.
Fuck.
[music playing over radio.]
Can you not? Hey! Drive with your hands.
What happened to ten and two? - Drive with your hands! - I am.
- Shit, dude! Check it out! - Pull over, pull over, pull over! Leif: Sir! Hi, hi! - Hello, elder.
- Can I help you? Sorry.
I think you were just at my yard sale.
- I sold you this chest of drawers.
- Oh.
And unbeknownst to me He didn't know there's a couple journals inside of there that weren't for sale.
- Oh, there's journals in here? - Yeah.
Well.
Maybe I'll read 'em.
No, it was a mistake.
We weren't trying to sell No, all sales are final.
It's like Antiques Roadshow.
People are always finding Civil War letters in desks and bureaus and such.
Could be worth a lot of money.
Maybe I'll sell 'em? You couldn't put my journals up at Christie's.
They're valueless except to me.
They're just joke ideas, they're musings.
- Little short essays.
- Wait.
You're a comic? - I'm a comedian, yeah.
- Are you funny? Very funny, very funny.
Yeah, I have fans.
Yeah.
Like Jack E.
Leonard? - Jack E.
Leonard? - Jack E.
Leonard.
Hilarious.
You don't know funny.
- I Well, see, that's the - You don't know funny.
If you don't know who Jack E.
Leonard is, you don't know funny.
Listen, can I please have my journals back? No.
I'm sorry.
They're mine now.
What are you gonna do with them? Are you gonna have an open mic at the home? Are you trying to take advantage of me 'cause I'm old? I'm not trying to sell you a timeshare! I'm trying to get what's mine back! Well, they're mine! Are you fucking kidding me? What you need to understand is that comedians are the new philosophers.
You think you're a philosopher? Did Socrates ever talk about his nut sweat? Did Plato ever talk about jerking off into a trash can? I've had fans write me letters about how my podcasts saved their life after they split up with their wife.
So, hopefully, something that I do will make someone like Pete, who got totally fucked over by you, be able to make it through their day for the next six months instead of giving up on life entirely.
- These yours, amigo? - What? Oh, my God, what did you do? Love wins, man.
Love always wins.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Yeah.
And I gave him 200 bucks.
What? I'm kind of regretting it.
No, thank you, man! This is good shit.
Listen to this.
A reality show called Fakin' It where you have to pretend to be a masseuse, and if at the end they can tell you were not a masseuse, you lose.
[chuckling.]
Ha.
It was too much.
I've had it for a long time, but I feel like it's still in good condition.
Most of that stuff will come right out, so I wouldn't even worry about it.
Hold on, Jess.
Sorry, excuse me, miss.
Uh, this one's not for sale.
Sorry.
Jess, this is my mom's table from college.
She's had it for decades.
She gave it to us.
That is fucked up, Missy.
I told you to tell me what you wanted and you didn't come and do that, so what do you want? Okay, I couldn't set this aside because I was already out looking for something else you sold that I didn't approve.
I didn't approve this! What are you gonna do with this table? What is that supposed to mean? Where are you gonna put it? You're homeless.
Okay.
You know what, fuck it.
50/50, right? Isn't that what divorce is? - Yeah! - This'll be mine.
Jess: What are you doing? - This is mine, all right? - Pete, stop.
This is yours.
I never liked that shit.
- Hey! - Wicker.
Uh, this is mine.
This love seat's mine.
TJ, can you help me? Gladly.
I don't want any more mistakes.
This is my shit.
You have nowhere to put it, Pete.
Stop it.
Come inside and talk to me.
I don't want to talk to you.
In fact, you know Put it down.
I don't want this.
I would rather set this shit on fire before I let you continue to disrespect our life! Yeah, yeah! That's exactly right.
Or he could buy all of this stuff, we'll set it up across the street at the Sullivans' and you can watch me have a yard sale that breaks your heart! Will you come inside and talk to me? Now! I don't want any of this shit.
You want a hand, bro? Here.
Big fan.
Is this Leif? You know who I am, too? Can you try to be reasonable, please? Jess, I am being reasonable.
Okay? This is just a lot.
And you're doing it so easily.
- It's not easy! - Doesn't this bother you? Of course it bothers me, Peter! This is so hard for me.
This was your idea so you could go to Florida with some pocket money! I'm not using it to go to Florida.
We're doing it for you, Pete.
- What? - We're giving you the money.
I didn't want you to have nothing.
I feel bad enough as it is.
Shit, man.
That's the second nice thing you guys have done for me today.
This is really a mindfuck.
You understand? What happened? Leif gave the guy $200 to get these back.
$200? Jeez.
It was really nice of him.
- Well, he's a nice guy.
- All right, let's not go nuts.
There's some good stuff in here.
Like, this is when we went to that place, the fancy restaurant with the huge wine cellar.
I didn't know any wines, so I got Beringer White Zinfandel.
They had to present it and taste it.
It's like a four-dollar bottle of wine.
Yeah.
These are good memories.
This is This was a life.
March 2012.
Remember I thought I was pregnant? Yeah.
That was a really That was a hard week.
- It's two lines.
- What? Two lines about me maybe having a baby, and then the next three pages are about how great Doug Stanhope was on Louie.
Okay, look, it's not These are mine, these are private journals.
I didn't want anyone else to read them, okay? - I know.
- It was just for me.
You love comedy.
- I care - It's your big love.
Jess, you You're my big love.
Oh, Pete, you have your thing.
I need my thing.
And my thing can't just be supporting your thing.
Anybody that does something extraordinary has someone in the shadows taking it on the chin.
We're just taking shifts.
Pete, if I I'd be able to support you more if I were really in love with you.
Like, if Leif wanted to do comedy, I would support him.
When you're really in love with somebody, you'll do anything for them.
I'm sorry.
It sounds horrible.
Wow.
That's really shitty, but, um, okay.
Look, if I told you we could get back together, but you can't do comedy anymore, would you do that? - No.
- No.
- [loud whoosh.]
- TJ: Yeah! - This is for the comedy gods! - Holy shit! This is what it looks like when a man moves on! Moving on up! - TJ! - Oh, my God! - TJ! - I got it, guys, I got it.
No, you don't! No, he doesn't! All hail the comedy god! These are the ashes from which you'll rise as a phoenix of comedy, Pete! Got it.
Pete, you're moving on.
Yeah! You're free, Pete! Yeah! Every day's a struggle Just to survive I look on the world sometimes You know I did that for you, man.
Did you a solid.
That's one way to handle it.
That was a big swing.
What a grand ending to your guys's union.
And also Super Nintendo.
You wanna play when we get home tonight? Pete: No.
No, I don't.
To see the kids on the street, y'all Begging for bread Man: All right, good to see you.
What's up, man? Don't worry.
I'm a comedian.
I know it looks like I should be selling meth at a gay rodeo.
- But yeah.
- [laughter.]
This is my look.
You ever wear something once and it gets you laid, and you just keep wearing it? That's kinda how this happened.
Got laid at a Brad Paisley concert.
You're next.
Okay.
And, uh, you can do five, but I want you to treat it like you're doing four.
'Cause you seem a little rushed.
You think when I do five minutes I feel rushed? Yeah, well, I see you trying to do five, but people don't want to see you trying to do five.
So just treat it like a four, and then I'll give you five.
What's up, man? TJ, what's going on? What are you doing here? What do you mean? You said this is a good show.
Hey, I'm TJ.
Hey.
Yeah, but you said that you wanted to take a break? You wanna go up? Um Welcome to the Grisly Pear, right? Is it Grisly Pear or gristly? Do pears have animal fat in them? They do here! At the Gristly Pear! Aargh! Now I have to follow this guy? It's gonna make you a better comic.
I'm grooming you.
[laughter.]
I have a prescription for marijuana.
It's for anxiety.
Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
[laughter.]
And I need a break, you know? When I'm not working, I'm working.
And when I'm not working, I'm twerking.
Two things I'm trying to do lately [TJ continues indistinctly.]
[acoustic guitar playing melancholy melody.]
I'm workin' on a high hope And if it all works out You might just see me Or hear from me in a while I'm gonna make it across this tightrope And I'm comin' for my prize No more I'll be waiting 'round While life just passes by Maybe when our hearts have realigned Maybe when we've both had some time I'm gonna see you there I'm gonna see you there There
[distant siren wailing.]
[clock ticking loudly.]
[clocks ticking loudly.]
- [ticking grows louder.]
- [sirens wailing loudly.]
[vehicles honking outside.]
[door thuds.]
Ladies and gentlemen, TJ Miller! What's up, man? What What's going on? [voice amplified.]
How we all doing tonight? You know, I have a prescription for marijuana.
It's for anxiety.
Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
[recorded audience cheering.]
What is that? Is that like, a fake toy microphone? Here's somebody right here.
- Let's give it up for this guy.
- [recorded applause playing.]
- Let's give him a hand.
- [cheering.]
- I said a hand.
- [applause, cheering.]
- I said a hand.
- [applauding.]
Are you Are you okay, man? Thank you, Jennifer.
And I hope you're doing great because you deserve to be doing great.
- You're a great person.
- Thank you.
Can I? Is it too much? Yeah! [chuckles.]
I got you another one.
I didn't want the first one.
Why not? - Because it's morning time.
- Yeah.
It's 11:00 a.
m.
somewhere.
Yeah, here.
So how many days have you been out on the road? That was my first road gig, actually, ever.
I've never I've never performed outside of the city before.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, God, that was the tail end of it for me.
- What do you mean? - I've done 24 cities in four weeks.
I mean, imagine that.
24 hour-long sets.
That's a full day of comedy that I've been doing - on the road.
- That is crazy.
It really fries you.
That's the thing, is that when you're open mic-ing, it's like a party.
Comedy every single night.
You're meeting the people that you want to hang out with every week.
Those are your friends.
Then, as you become more successful, you start having to do all of it alone.
When I bomb, there's no, like, shots afterwards with all of your friends.
It's very lonely.
So, why do you do it? I mean 'Cause we have to, man.
- For money? - No.
We do it because comedy is kind of a new religion.
You're traveling, you're preaching to people this ideology of seeing everything with a smile.
You know? People need it.
You think touring comedians are like preachers? Yeah, exactly.
Except we're better than priests because we're not lying.
[phone ringing.]
Jess: Hello? Hey.
It's me.
Peter? Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you.
Oh, uh, yeah.
I've been trying to reach you.
I I lost my phone.
Are you okay? No, yeah.
Things are the same.
Oh.
So what's up? I have a favor to ask.
I was wondering if you could come over here and get some of your stuff.
You want me to get my stuff? Of course.
I'm sorry, but this is happening, you know? I'm moving to Tampa.
I can't take all this stuff with me, and I can't stay here.
Oh, well, I'm sorry our house is tainted with memories of our love.
That must be really hard for you.
Pete, it is hard for me.
So, if you could just come by tomorrow morning, that would be great.
What? Why? I'm having a yard sale.
What?! I can't I can't believe you would even think about doing that without talking to me! That's my stuff! I've been trying to reach you, but you never answer your phone.
Well, I don't have a phone because I got mugged, okay? That's where you sent me.
What are you talking about? I got stabbed, Jess.
- Are you okay? - What do you care? What are you selling the couch for? I don't know, like 150? One-fifty? A hundred and fif Are you shitting me?! Jess, that's not CB2, that's Crate & Barrel.
That's CB1, okay? It came assembled.
Well, I don't want it, Pete.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? That's my stuff.
You can't just sell my stuff! Don't touch my shit! Jesus.
Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else.
Alan Rickman: I am so in the wrong.
The classic fool! Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too.
[crying.]
Emma Thompson: Darling! Darling! Oh, you were wonderful! [horns honking.]
[sirens chirping.]
Mmm Hey! Good morning, little fella! Get on up here! Come on, you old coot! What time is it? You'd think I'd know, right? Clock gag.
- They're all wrong.
- Yeah, sort of.
I think what's actually wrong is that human beings arbitrarily decided on this system of time.
It's just a way for us to make sense of this meaningless world.
A nihilist would say that once we discard that meaning, we can make our own meaning, and then we become gods, masters of our own time.
The concept is vaguely Native American.
- Is this for me? - Yeah.
You made this? I even cut the toast.
Do you know the real time though, by any chance? Yeah, the clown clock is correct.
It's a little after 9:00.
I gotta get going.
Why? I'm going upstate.
It's sad.
my wife My ex-wife, she's having a yard sale.
She's selling She's selling my stuff.
You ex-wife is selling - your stuff? - My stuff.
Yeah, I gotta get up there so I can kind of create a "me pile".
The stuff that I'm gonna claim as my own and will continue into this chapter of my life while she moves to Tampa with her lover.
You want any help with that? What do you mean? Do you want me to come up there with you? You wanna come upstate with me? Yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna let you do it alone.
I mean, Jesus, that is so sad, the idea, the picture of you loading the belongings that your cheating wife didn't sell into your car? That's some Tennessee Williams shit, buddy.
I mean, I gotta witness that.
TJ: This is the life, man.
Green grass, picket fences, birds that aren't pigeons.
- I mean - You like this? I could see a world up here.
You know? You have a family, kids.
I'm doing too much comedy.
I need to go to, like, the Four Seasons for a month.
You know, like rehab, but you can drink.
I have the opposite problem.
My calendar is so empty, I open it up and Siri asks me if I'm okay.
I am doing a show tonight, actually, which is good 'cause I'm gonna need to get out of here.
I'm doing a set at the Grisly Pear.
So, look out.
What's that show? You know, it's a mic.
But, you know, as far as open mics go, it's cheaper, you know.
Some of them make you buy two drinks, which is about, like 14 bucks, but this is a two-item open mic, so you can save a little bread because I get double pretzels, which is only, like, 7.
50.
Peter, I'm sorry your wife left you.
Thanks.
Don't worry, I got your back.
I'll say some pretty shitty things to her.
Please, don't do that.
Don't Don't talk to my wife, please.
TJ: Nah.
Definitely gonna say some shit to her.
Pete, what are you doing here? Hi, Jess.
What do you mean, what am I doing here? You told me to come up.
You're selling my You're selling everything.
I told you to come in the morning.
Well, I couldn't come in the morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't drop everything.
This is very last minute.
Ski poles? Shut the fuck up! What are you doing with TJ Miller? We're friends now.
Are Are you kidding me? Wait.
You're selling my Super Nintendo? I found it in the attic.
It's old.
This isn't old.
This is an antique.
Okay, Pete, it's worthless.
Okay? I googled it.
You can't get anything for that, so who cares? With games? Yeah.
No one wants this.
"Return of the Jedi" with a Super Nintendo? That's double kitsch.
If I walked around Williamsburg with this under my arm, - I'd be a - Hi, sweeties.
Hi.
Hello, Mrs.
Potts.
How are you? - Hi.
How are you? - Oh, we're good.
Are you two moving? No.
No, no, no.
We're clearing out some clutter.
- Well, will you do five for the candles? - Yes.
- Thank you.
- Hold on.
Sorry.
- These are from Carlsbad Caverns.
- Yeah.
So they're not just, like, regular candles.
They're actually souvenirs of memories and a time that we shared.
So they're actually pretty important to me.
Well, we had a horrible time there, so One of us had a great time.
One of us said she had low blood sugar, and one of us said you should go to the snack shop.
Well, you know, they've been lit, see? Proof of concept.
They work.
They illuminate, they smell great, 15.
Sorry.
How much for the dog? Uh, yeah, she's not for sale.
This is a yard sale.
That dog's in the yard.
So I'll ask you once more.
How much for the dog? TJ: I'll give you 1,200 cash.
"All things grow with love"? You're selling "All things grow with love"? What do you want me to say, Pete? It's from our honeymoon.
I know, I'm sorry.
But it's like, we have to part with this stuff.
It's a fresh start.
I stole this from Cape May, 'cause you wanted it.
Do you want to keep that? No.
Fine.
Give it away.
Sell it.
Seriously? Brought chairs, you guys, in case you want to take a load off.
What is he doing here? I didn't think I'd see you here, brother.
Highly evolved.
Good job, Pete.
You're still holding on to a lot, Peter.
This is exactly why I told you to come in the morning, so you wouldn't see each other.
Am I seriously the only one of the three of us that doesn't want to broadcast to the entire neighborhood of people we know that you had an affair? Missus Mrs.
Potts? She loves us.
We love her too.
The Fraimens, the Scotts, everyone's so great.
The community's so lovely.
Go tune a mandolin, fucking dick-shit.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Let it out, Pete.
It's catharsis.
Let it out.
Don't tell me to let it out while I'm being mean to you.
Okay.
Is that what you think is missing from your life? You made it this far without seeing Scrubs.
Why cave now? Travel.
Make love on the beach.
- [knocks.]
- Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know if it's oak, exactly, but if I can't tell, who's gonna know? Just tell people it's oak.
It's oak.
I don't think it's oak.
I'll do 40.
They're asking 75.
It's probably oak.
Let's meet in the middle and say $60.
- 40.
- 40.
Wait.
Come here.
Come on.
Here, you seem fun, come over here.
Look, this is my upstate New York family.
You guys seen Big Hero 6? Uh-mm.
What about How to Train Your Dragon? Uh-mm.
Here, take one with mine.
- Gravity Falls? - Uh-mm.
- Yogi Bear 3D? - Uh-mm.
Give me my camera back.
I don't want to take a picture of these kids.
Actually selling a lot of stuff.
That's good.
Oh, good.
I'm glad it's going so swimmingly.
Guess what, guys? I just sold that dresser for $30.
- Nice.
- What dresser? The old gray thing with all the scratches on the knobs.
I don't think it's oak.
Our dresser? Our bedroom dresser? - I emptied it out.
- You don't understand, that's where I hid my journals.
Like, my private journals.
- Did you see journals when you clean - No.
- I taped them in the drawer.
- Shit, man! I didn't see journals, no.
Like, Composition notebooks.
That's like, my work.
He drives a blue pickup truck.
I helped him load up.
Let's go.
If we hurry, we can do it.
We're not gonna catch a man in a truck.
Peter, these are your journals.
These are the songbooks of your heart, okay? Let's do this.
Let's go find them.
He smells like kombucha.
Go! Oh, great.
It'll be an adventure, with your boyfriend.
- Here's the $30.
- Oh, good.
I love you.
[engine starts.]
[radio playing.]
Well, the first days are the hardest days So, how are you holding up? 'Cause when life looks like easy street Not great lately.
I don't know if you can tell this is difficult, to sell everything I've ever owned.
I hear you, Pete, but it's just stuff.
Man, you can't tether yourself to possessions.
It's just tethering yourself to the past, brother.
Okay, yeah, I liked being tethered to the past.
That was my home.
I liked living up here.
I liked being married.
I want to be tethered.
I hear birth pangs, man.
I hear the howling wolf mother giving birth to change.
It scares you, I get it.
You realize this is a pursuit, right? It's better just to stop.
The gas gauge is wonky.
It'll tell me a half a tank, and then all of a sudden I'm out of gas.
Brother, how's your dream, man? How's comedy going? Leif, what do you care? What do you mean? I care a lot.
I actually looked up some of your clips on YouTube and I laughed my ass off, Pete.
- You've got an incredible talent.
- Great.
That's the one thing Jess and I always disagreed on.
I think you're hilarious.
Well, sorry if I don't just forgive you for everything because you liked a YouTube video of mine.
Yeah, I get it.
Which one did you see? Uh, the bit, I think, the thing that you did about the doctors that have beards.
- I don't trust doctors with beards.
- [laughing.]
Yeah.
What are they hiding? Yeah! You have a beard.
I don't trust you.
Yeah, see? That's what I'm talking about.
Man, your brain works like that.
You have a natural ability.
And your friend TJ is really funny, too.
I hear him on satellite radio.
Yeah, he's funny.
He's great.
He's amazing.
He's like, really intense.
He's like, pedal to the metal, kind of, huh? Yeah, he's He's showbiz, man.
He's the real thing.
He can't turn it off.
He's not like a regular person.
Shit.
Yeah, that's heavy.
You know, I know social mores should dictate that, uh you know, I'm nice to you, and pretend like I like you, but I don't.
I think what you did was really shitty.
Excuse me? Pete's a good guy and actually a pretty good comedian.
And instead of supporting that 'cause he's working so hard to achieve your guys's dream of a better life, you fucked somebody else in his bed, who looks like he plays soccer.
My God I don't know what Pete told you, but I don't think you know anything about the details about why I did what I did.
I know that he's a comedian, and what we do is noble.
And that you should have supported him.
Comedy is noble? You get on stage and tell jokes - Yeah.
- and make your whole life about you, and everyone has to give you attention, and praise you all the time? I'm trying to make people happy.
What do you do? - I'm a teacher.
- Well, see, then there you go.
Your entire profession is bullshit.
The only reason people listen to teachers is because they have to.
- What grade do you teach? - Third.
Yeah, there's a lot of kids if you teach third grade that are never going to remember you.
They'll never remember your name.
What was your third grade teacher's name? Mrs.
Galendar.
Oh.
Fuck.
[music playing over radio.]
Can you not? Hey! Drive with your hands.
What happened to ten and two? - Drive with your hands! - I am.
- Shit, dude! Check it out! - Pull over, pull over, pull over! Leif: Sir! Hi, hi! - Hello, elder.
- Can I help you? Sorry.
I think you were just at my yard sale.
- I sold you this chest of drawers.
- Oh.
And unbeknownst to me He didn't know there's a couple journals inside of there that weren't for sale.
- Oh, there's journals in here? - Yeah.
Well.
Maybe I'll read 'em.
No, it was a mistake.
We weren't trying to sell No, all sales are final.
It's like Antiques Roadshow.
People are always finding Civil War letters in desks and bureaus and such.
Could be worth a lot of money.
Maybe I'll sell 'em? You couldn't put my journals up at Christie's.
They're valueless except to me.
They're just joke ideas, they're musings.
- Little short essays.
- Wait.
You're a comic? - I'm a comedian, yeah.
- Are you funny? Very funny, very funny.
Yeah, I have fans.
Yeah.
Like Jack E.
Leonard? - Jack E.
Leonard? - Jack E.
Leonard.
Hilarious.
You don't know funny.
- I Well, see, that's the - You don't know funny.
If you don't know who Jack E.
Leonard is, you don't know funny.
Listen, can I please have my journals back? No.
I'm sorry.
They're mine now.
What are you gonna do with them? Are you gonna have an open mic at the home? Are you trying to take advantage of me 'cause I'm old? I'm not trying to sell you a timeshare! I'm trying to get what's mine back! Well, they're mine! Are you fucking kidding me? What you need to understand is that comedians are the new philosophers.
You think you're a philosopher? Did Socrates ever talk about his nut sweat? Did Plato ever talk about jerking off into a trash can? I've had fans write me letters about how my podcasts saved their life after they split up with their wife.
So, hopefully, something that I do will make someone like Pete, who got totally fucked over by you, be able to make it through their day for the next six months instead of giving up on life entirely.
- These yours, amigo? - What? Oh, my God, what did you do? Love wins, man.
Love always wins.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Yeah.
And I gave him 200 bucks.
What? I'm kind of regretting it.
No, thank you, man! This is good shit.
Listen to this.
A reality show called Fakin' It where you have to pretend to be a masseuse, and if at the end they can tell you were not a masseuse, you lose.
[chuckling.]
Ha.
It was too much.
I've had it for a long time, but I feel like it's still in good condition.
Most of that stuff will come right out, so I wouldn't even worry about it.
Hold on, Jess.
Sorry, excuse me, miss.
Uh, this one's not for sale.
Sorry.
Jess, this is my mom's table from college.
She's had it for decades.
She gave it to us.
That is fucked up, Missy.
I told you to tell me what you wanted and you didn't come and do that, so what do you want? Okay, I couldn't set this aside because I was already out looking for something else you sold that I didn't approve.
I didn't approve this! What are you gonna do with this table? What is that supposed to mean? Where are you gonna put it? You're homeless.
Okay.
You know what, fuck it.
50/50, right? Isn't that what divorce is? - Yeah! - This'll be mine.
Jess: What are you doing? - This is mine, all right? - Pete, stop.
This is yours.
I never liked that shit.
- Hey! - Wicker.
Uh, this is mine.
This love seat's mine.
TJ, can you help me? Gladly.
I don't want any more mistakes.
This is my shit.
You have nowhere to put it, Pete.
Stop it.
Come inside and talk to me.
I don't want to talk to you.
In fact, you know Put it down.
I don't want this.
I would rather set this shit on fire before I let you continue to disrespect our life! Yeah, yeah! That's exactly right.
Or he could buy all of this stuff, we'll set it up across the street at the Sullivans' and you can watch me have a yard sale that breaks your heart! Will you come inside and talk to me? Now! I don't want any of this shit.
You want a hand, bro? Here.
Big fan.
Is this Leif? You know who I am, too? Can you try to be reasonable, please? Jess, I am being reasonable.
Okay? This is just a lot.
And you're doing it so easily.
- It's not easy! - Doesn't this bother you? Of course it bothers me, Peter! This is so hard for me.
This was your idea so you could go to Florida with some pocket money! I'm not using it to go to Florida.
We're doing it for you, Pete.
- What? - We're giving you the money.
I didn't want you to have nothing.
I feel bad enough as it is.
Shit, man.
That's the second nice thing you guys have done for me today.
This is really a mindfuck.
You understand? What happened? Leif gave the guy $200 to get these back.
$200? Jeez.
It was really nice of him.
- Well, he's a nice guy.
- All right, let's not go nuts.
There's some good stuff in here.
Like, this is when we went to that place, the fancy restaurant with the huge wine cellar.
I didn't know any wines, so I got Beringer White Zinfandel.
They had to present it and taste it.
It's like a four-dollar bottle of wine.
Yeah.
These are good memories.
This is This was a life.
March 2012.
Remember I thought I was pregnant? Yeah.
That was a really That was a hard week.
- It's two lines.
- What? Two lines about me maybe having a baby, and then the next three pages are about how great Doug Stanhope was on Louie.
Okay, look, it's not These are mine, these are private journals.
I didn't want anyone else to read them, okay? - I know.
- It was just for me.
You love comedy.
- I care - It's your big love.
Jess, you You're my big love.
Oh, Pete, you have your thing.
I need my thing.
And my thing can't just be supporting your thing.
Anybody that does something extraordinary has someone in the shadows taking it on the chin.
We're just taking shifts.
Pete, if I I'd be able to support you more if I were really in love with you.
Like, if Leif wanted to do comedy, I would support him.
When you're really in love with somebody, you'll do anything for them.
I'm sorry.
It sounds horrible.
Wow.
That's really shitty, but, um, okay.
Look, if I told you we could get back together, but you can't do comedy anymore, would you do that? - No.
- No.
- [loud whoosh.]
- TJ: Yeah! - This is for the comedy gods! - Holy shit! This is what it looks like when a man moves on! Moving on up! - TJ! - Oh, my God! - TJ! - I got it, guys, I got it.
No, you don't! No, he doesn't! All hail the comedy god! These are the ashes from which you'll rise as a phoenix of comedy, Pete! Got it.
Pete, you're moving on.
Yeah! You're free, Pete! Yeah! Every day's a struggle Just to survive I look on the world sometimes You know I did that for you, man.
Did you a solid.
That's one way to handle it.
That was a big swing.
What a grand ending to your guys's union.
And also Super Nintendo.
You wanna play when we get home tonight? Pete: No.
No, I don't.
To see the kids on the street, y'all Begging for bread Man: All right, good to see you.
What's up, man? Don't worry.
I'm a comedian.
I know it looks like I should be selling meth at a gay rodeo.
- But yeah.
- [laughter.]
This is my look.
You ever wear something once and it gets you laid, and you just keep wearing it? That's kinda how this happened.
Got laid at a Brad Paisley concert.
You're next.
Okay.
And, uh, you can do five, but I want you to treat it like you're doing four.
'Cause you seem a little rushed.
You think when I do five minutes I feel rushed? Yeah, well, I see you trying to do five, but people don't want to see you trying to do five.
So just treat it like a four, and then I'll give you five.
What's up, man? TJ, what's going on? What are you doing here? What do you mean? You said this is a good show.
Hey, I'm TJ.
Hey.
Yeah, but you said that you wanted to take a break? You wanna go up? Um Welcome to the Grisly Pear, right? Is it Grisly Pear or gristly? Do pears have animal fat in them? They do here! At the Gristly Pear! Aargh! Now I have to follow this guy? It's gonna make you a better comic.
I'm grooming you.
[laughter.]
I have a prescription for marijuana.
It's for anxiety.
Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
[laughter.]
And I need a break, you know? When I'm not working, I'm working.
And when I'm not working, I'm twerking.
Two things I'm trying to do lately [TJ continues indistinctly.]
[acoustic guitar playing melancholy melody.]
I'm workin' on a high hope And if it all works out You might just see me Or hear from me in a while I'm gonna make it across this tightrope And I'm comin' for my prize No more I'll be waiting 'round While life just passes by Maybe when our hearts have realigned Maybe when we've both had some time I'm gonna see you there I'm gonna see you there There