Crossing Swords (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
♪
(BELL DINGS, CROWD CHEERS)
CARNIVAL BARKER: Step right up!
Five tries for a dollar,
three tries for two!
That's my kind of deal!
Broth, we're on security detail!
The queen is taking the stage soon
and those protesters
are making me nervous.
It's time to strike a blow
for Kraken rights!
We'll show them
you can't exploit the majesty of nature
in the name of consumerism!
(PROTESTERS AGREEING)
Yeah! For Krakens!
What the hell is a Kraken?
Professor Sequoia, do we get graded
for this or is it pass / fail?
First of all, Gretchen, I told you:
I'm the cool professor.
When we're just rapping, call me Ziggy.
It's not about grades,
it's about disrupting the Queen's speech.
♪
Lighten up, Patrick.
It's Kraken Week!
I hate to get all legal on ya,
but we'd be breaking the law
if we didn't party our faces off.
(FANFARE)
Broth, we need to get to our post!
(FANFARE CONTINUES)
Welcome to the 109th Kraken Week!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(PATRICK GRUNTING)
Is everyone enjoying my brand new
baby Kraken infinity scarf?
(CROWD CHEERING) No!
Chum. Chum! Get down!
(GRUNTS)
(SLOW‐MOTION): Get down!
(SHRIEKS) (YELLING)
(GASPING) Chum shot to the face!
(VOMITS) It's in my mouth!
Wooooooo! Look out! (CRASHING)
♪
(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
(SIGHS) My life is 51 weeks of hell
and one week of paradise:
Kraken Week!
Patrick, is it true you were there
when the Queen got chummed
at the opening ceremonies?
Ah‐ah! No work talk!
Only Kraken talk!
But, Dad‐‐.
If your lips are flappin',
better be about Kraken!
DOREEN: Who wants dessert?
Nobody gets cake until we sing the song.
(ALL GROANING)
(PLAYS NOTE)
ALL:
O Kraken Week, O Kraken Week ♪
You're from an ocean, not a creek ♪
BOTH: (HIGHER OCTAVE)
We love your fins and tentacles ♪
BOTH: (LOWER OCTAVE)
You eat virgins and barnacles ♪
Bring it home!
ALL:
O Kraken Week, O Kraken Week ♪
I wish you were my family ♪
Glenn! Well, I'm sorry!
Kraken Week is very special to me.
And since I'll never
get to see one in the wild‐‐.
Dad, for the millionth time,
I'm sorry!
I didn't know I had a shellfish allergy.
There we were, in line
for the Kraken‐watching tour.
Soak it in, kids.
This is a once‐in‐a‐lifetime opportunity.
I've been on the waiting list
for this tour since I was your age.
Hey, Patrick, lick this.
What is it?
CORAL: It's a Popsicle.
Don't tell anyone where you got it.
Okay.
(SLURPING) (LAUGHING)
TOUR GUIDE: Last call
for the Kraken‐watching tour! Last call!
This is it! Woo!
I've never been so happy!
I love you, kids.
(PATRICK SLURPING)
What are you eating?
Popsicle. I found it.
You don't look so good.
Is that shrimp?
(GAGGING) I can't breathe!
Oh, my God!
He's having an allergic reaction!
He's fine!
His tongue is swollen with excitement!
Whose isn't? I'm swollen!
(WHEEZING)
Who finds a Popsicle?
Dad, I'm done apologizing,
because somebody works at the castle now.
And somebody got free
Kraken‐watching tickets for tomorrow!
(SQUEALS)
Oh, Patrick, you shouldn't have.
Son, you just went from
least favorite kid straight to the top!
CORAL / RUBEN: Hey!
Glenn, stop ranking the kids.
Tomorrow? I have taxidermy club!
I finally get to show off Winky!
Ominous music plays ♪
(SHUDDERS) You can skip it.
How'd you get free tickets
after letting the Queen get fish‐blasted?
KING: You let some tree‐hugger
chum‐punt the Queen?
He did! And I want him strung up
by his heels immediately!
I'll take care of it, my love.
Hmpf! (MUTTERING)
That is the funniest thing I have
ever heard in my whole fucking life!
(WILD LAUGHTER)
How can I ever repay you?
(LAUGHING)
No! Straighten the virgin!
It looks ridiculous!
Dad, Blarney's too drunk to be up here!
Can I get some sober help?
No, you have a problem, man!
(YELLING, GRUMBLING)
Ah, nobody help him!
It's the only way he'll learn.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
Done!
Ugh, Krakens are so lame!
And yappy!
They're like the corgis of the sea.
GLENN: You take that back!
I'm a pirate, Dad.
The ocean is my office.
I know what I'm talking about.
Listen, if you're the man
with the connections,
how about hooking Coral up with some
sweet gunpowder from the royal stash?
I can't take you seriously
when you talk in the third person.
And I'm not stealing from my job for you.
Oh, c'mon, bitch! I'm in the middle
of a pirate turf war
and I'm getting my cooch
handed to me by Long Dong Doug!
I need to beef up my firepower!
Would you just back off
and let me savor my victory?
I'm finally back on Dad's good side.
He's going to have the experience
of a lifetime, and it's all thanks to me!
♪
I've never seen you look
so happy, Glenn!
Well, that boy's made
my dreams come true!
Nobody move!
This is a hijacking!
Kraken Week is canceled! Forever!
God dammit, Patrick.
(FOG HORN BLOWING)
♪
BLINKERQUARTZ: A Kraken‐watching cruise
has been hijacked!
There are hostages. What?!
The Royal Navy can handle it.
More importantly, where are we with lunch?
Sire, there are many
valuable spices on board.
For example,
Cinnamon is on the ship.
(SPITTING) Cinnamon? Who cares?
Your Highness, also aboard
is a load of Basil.
(SPITTING)
Bazel? I'm never sure
how it's pronounced.
Oh, dear.
♪
I'm Doreen,
and this is my husband, Glenn.
Hello, I'm Cinnamon. I'm Basil.
And what do you do for work?
I work in the castle.
So do I! What department are you in?
The Department of Adultery.
Get out of town!
I'm in the same department!
What is going on?
I think we have a meet‐cute.
As the king,
I should handle this personally.
Yes, and I'll go as well.
It's the right thing to do.
Broth, I am freaking out!
Me too! We never picked a lunch place!
No, my parents are on that ship!
I have to save 'em!
So, we're just never
gonna eat, then, huh?
(CHUCKLING)
Beautiful, ain't she?
Y'know, a ship is like a woman
End of metaphor.
(SQUAWKS) Technically, a simile.
Cool boat.
KILLGORE: Look but don't touch, boy.
And it's not a boat, it's a ship!
There's a goddamn difference!
What's the difference?
(LAUGHING)
A ship is a really big boat.
Admiral Killgore,
the King requests your presence on deck.
We're approaching the hijacked ship.
You heard the man, Broth.
Lick but don't touch.
(SLURPS) Mmmm. Glassy.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Ugh, I think I cut my tongue!
(SHATTERS)
♪
What's the plan, Admiral?
Standard hostage protocols.
We shoot a hole in their ship.
Icy waters and sharks do their jobs.
Survival rate is a solid 50%.
Everyone goes home happy.
Fifty percent? That's horrific!
Yep. I'm more of a glass‐half‐full
kinda guy.
Your majesty, think of the cinnamon!
And the basil!
Well, he's right!
We can't lose the cinnamon!
That's right.
Sharks love cinnamon, Your Highness.
And no harm must come to the basil!
Okay, I'm not a shark dietitian.
I think this is going super well, guys.
We're really making a difference.
Anna's right!
This is going great.
Sean, we all know you're just
taking this class to impress Anna.
What?! Bullshit!
I really care about these dolphins, man.
Or seals or whatever they are.
Whoa, Sean! Swing‐and‐a‐miss!
Uh, hi.
Remind me who you are, again?
Oh, me? I'm just an uneducated,
self‐made millionaire
back in college to reconnect
with my son Sean!
Dad, you're embarrassing me.
Heads up, class! It's the heat.
Now they can't ignore us!
Yeah! They'll cancel
Kraken Week for sure!
If they cancel Kraken Week,
I will kill myself.
You are a married man
with four children.
I heard what I said.
(GRUNTING)
Canons are loaded and ready!
Wait!
Can't we try to negotiate
before we sink them?
The Royal Navy does not negotiate
with terrorists!
Not ordinarily.
But today you've got the world's
greatest negotiator on board.
Oh, wait. He means me!
(SCOFFS)
What the hell are you talking about?
You couldn't negotiate your way
out of a paper bag.
I wrote the book on negotiation!
No, you didn't.
I say I did, you say I didn't.
Sounds like a maybe.
You just got negotiated.
Oh, shut up.
(LAUGHS)
Let's negotiate, motherfuckers!
(WHISPERING):
Holy shit, that's the King!
Well, now it's treason.
Tie him up. CLASS: What?!
What?!
And they've kidnapped my husband.
Looks like I'll have
to go over and fix this.
(WATER SPLASHES)
You can do it, Your Majesty!
(QUEEN SWIMMING)
(DISTANT SHOUTING, FIGHTING)
Well, they just tied up the Queen.
Here you are always getting kidnapped,
and I have to come to the rescue.
I own your dick!
The King, Queen,
their barely secret lovers,
and my own parents are gonna die,
and I'm the domino
that started this shitstorm!
I've got to do something!
Like I've been saying,
we blow a hole in their ship
and let God sort it out.
(SQUAWKS) Should I go back to base
and get reinforcements?
No! I got this under control!
Seems like you could use some help.
KILLGORE: No!
CHIP: I could fly there right now.
KILLGORE: No, Chip!
Fine! I'm gonna go watch
the travesty unfolding downstairs.
That Broth kid's a hoot!
(SQUAWKS)
Please, give me a little more time.
I know we can save the hostages.
Stop talking!
I will give you an hour,
then it is time for the ol' Blow‐n‐Drown.
♪
(SWEAT DRIPS)
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Oh!
Hi, I'm Cinnamon.
Oh! Charmed, I'm sure.
And, uh, this is my new friend, Basil.
Nice to meet you
for the first time ever.
Did the vibe get very strange
all of a sudden?
(SIGHS) Doreen, don't engage!
Broth! Things are going
off the rails out there‐what the hell?
(CHUGGING)
I broke all the bottles,
so I need more bottles.
Grab a bottle.
Why didn't you just dump it out?
Because I'm drunk
and I've lost a lot of blood.
I don't have time for this.
I need the parrot.
Parrot? Oh, my God!
I thought that voice was in my head!
(SQUAWKS) Broth's a failure.
You heard that, right?
Guys, we're in too deep.
I gotta tell ya, I thought college
would be a lot more, y'know,
keggers and pussy. Dad!
Look, I wanna save Krakens
as much as anybody,
but this is guillotine‐level treason!
None of this is in the syllabus!
There's no syllabus for life, Gretchen!
There's no turning back now!
Seize the moment!
(ECHOING):
Moment moment moment.
Anna, I'm gonna seize the moment.
Since we're about to die,
how about you and me
I am fucking your dad.
You are the fucking enemy
of my happiness, Dad!
What can I say?
It's college! Hey‐hey‐hey!
Here are our demands:
Cancel Kraken Week,
more funds for conservation,
end the culturally insensitive
ban on virgin sacrifices.
Because the Krakens are starving!
I don't negotiate with nerds.
Oh, you will!
Ominous music plays ♪
So, you won't cancel Kraken Week, eh?
Then I have no choice
but to cancel you!
What the hell does that mean?
The history books are full
of Kraken sacrifices‐usually princesses.
We don't have a princess handy,
but we have the next best thing!
♪
(QUEEN SCREAMING)
Not to the face! Not to the
(KING LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING):
It's even better than I imagined!
Ugh, it's in my eye, you little dick!
Sorry, ma'am.
My dad's sleeping with the girl I like,
and I'm really going through
some stuff right now.
(WATER SPLASHES)
(RUMBLING)
(KRAKEN ROARING)
(ROARING CONTINUES)
This is it!
Glenn, your Kraken boner
is tightening the knots! (GROANS)
I swear to God,
if that thing
puts one scratch on my ship
It's the Glenn of the sea!
I've killed us all.
♪
(SCREAMING)
Somebody do something!
Open fire!
(CANNONS FIRING)
No! Don't hurt it!
Cannons can't pierce Kraken hide!
Any true Krak‐Head would know that!
I'm talking about emotionally!
(SCREAMING)
KING / BASIL: Tulip!
(SNIFFING, ROARING)
What the hell is your problem?
(GASPS)
It's because she's not a virgin!
Of course!
Krakens only eat virgins!
See, class?
Gretchen did the assigned reading.
(ROARS) (YELLING)
Now that is rich!
(ROARING)
It needs a virgin,
or it will kill us all!
Quickly, who among us is pure?
No, huh? Hey! Good for you!
Look at this guy.
Does‐does hand stuff count?
Let's say “yes,” just to be safe.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS, SHOUTS)
No! I'm on your side!
I'm an ally!
(SNIFFS, ROARS)
That's right! I‐I'm no virgin!
I'm a tenured professor!
Each semester brings a fresh crop
of barely legal coeds!
I'm a human resources nightmare!
(ROARS) (GROANS, SCREAMS)
Professor! No!
It's okay, babe.
I gotta get off this boat.
Our professor died at sea.
We all get automatic A's.
Yes! Yes! It's in the syllabus.
(ROARING)
(LAUGHING)
What's up, cocksuckers?
(SQUAWKS) Broth's a failure.
Her.
(COUGHS, SPITS) You came!
(GROWLS) So, Coral. Argh!
Queen of the Pirates.
Chip, I see you've been busy.
(SQUAWKS) Don't be jealous.
Plenty of Chip to go around.
Admiral Javier Killgore,
we meet at last!
Looks like you've got yourself
a Kraken problem.
Nothin' we can't handle.
(ROARING) (SCREAMS)
Ahem. Did you just come here
to get corrosive sea water
on my freshly waxed floorboards?
Or do you have any suggestions
for stoppin' that thing?
Well, that's the deal with Krakens.
The only thing that'll make 'em fuck off
is chowing down on virgin meat.
Ugh! Tell me somethin' I don't know!
Ah, the hell with this, I'm gettin' a mop.
Coral, Mom and Dad are on that ship!
Do something!
You know my terms.
Are we talking about that gunpowder?
This is serious!
Mom and Dad could die!
Meh.
They're old. They had a good run.
(GRUNTS) You're unbelievable!
Intense music plays ♪
(GASPS) You blinked first.
Under Maritime Law, I win!
Ugh, fine! So, what do we do?
Like I said, Patrick,
there's only one way
to make a Kraken disappear.
It needs a sweet, perky virgin.
♪
Hey! Kraken!
I volunteer as virgin tribute!
(SNIFFING, ROARING)
Oh, no! Patrick! Jesus, Patrick!
The neighbor kid is a year younger
than you, he already has three kids.
Everyone moves at their own pace, Dad!
(ROARING)
Oh, Christ!
No! My poor virgin son!
Virgin? It's a mercy killing.
(WINCES) Ooooh.
Patrick! (ROARS)
(BELCHES)
(SOBBING) He died as he lived
A hero A virg‐hero. Mm‐hmm.
PATRICK: Hey! Kraken!
(GASPING)
I might smell like a virgin,
but I taste like dynamite!
(ROARS) (EXPLOSION)
Nooooooooo! (SOBBING)
(SHRIEKS)
No! My ship! (SOBBING)
(LAUGHING)
It's the Kraken's one weakness,
the switcheroo!
I'm so glad you're happy!
I just compromised
everything that I stand for!
The ends always justify
the means, Patrick!
Words to live by!
See ya later!
Me and this gunpowder
have a date with Long Dong Doug!
Dammit! Oh, shit. The shellfish.
Oh, she's so wild and untamed!
I wish I could bottle her up.
Aaaaaaand done.
Whew!
(EXPLOSION) Ah!
Thus ends the story of Broth.
Thanks for the gunpowder, fucko!
(SIGHS)
(SQUAWKS) Is it a bad time
to ask for next Friday off?
(GROWLING)
You know what? You seem busy.
(MOANING, SLURPING)
CINNAMON: Oh, yes!
(MOANING, SMOOCHING)
(SMOOCHING)
Oh! (GIGGLES)
(CHOMPS)
You taste as good as you look!
Thanks!
Hello? Can you stop making out
and come rescue me?
(SQUAWKS) Statistically, half of them
will die from sharks and exposure.
Fuck off, Chip.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
Ladies and gentlemen
I now present to you
Mr. and Mrs. Basil!
(CROWD CHEERING)
I introduced them, you know.
I know! I was fuckin' there!
I can't believe we got stuck
at the co‐workers' table.
After she dances with her dad,
we are out of here.
Baby, I know this is bad form
at a wedding, but I can't resist.
Will you be my third wife?
Oh, yes! Yes!
Hey! She said yes!
Sean, you're getting a new mom!
Wow, I'm gonna kill myself.
(SLURPS)
Okay.
♪
CHILD: That was amazing!