Cybill (1995) s01e03 Episode Script

(Cybill) Look at her.
So trusting.
If I just play it cool, she'll never know I slept with her husband.
How about we drive up the coast for some steamed clams? That's wonderful.
It's marvellous we're finally spending some time together.
(Thinking) Slut! What does Mitch see in her? Let's go to Gladstone's.
Mitch raves about it.
I know.
He took me there last night.
Did I say that out loud? - How could you? - You were fooling around with Steve.
- I suppose you've slept with him too.
- No! Once, but it didn't mean anything.
I'll kill you! - Are you crazy? - Swear you'll never see Mitch again! - He loves me! - You cheap whore! I am not cheap! - (Man) Cut! That's a wrap.
- I hope I didn't hurt you.
- I was just in the moment.
- (Hoarsely) I'm fine.
Doing soaps as long as I have, you learn to get it right first take.
Nice work, ladies.
Here's tomorrow's script.
- What? - Let me guess.
I miraculously crawl to safety again.
Not quite.
- What is this? I'm in a coma? - So am I.
And here's the hook.
Only one of you is gonna survive.
- Only one of us? - Which one? Don't know.
Haven't written it yet.
Have a nice evening.
It'll be you.
You've been on the show longer.
You're the fresh, new character.
They'll keep you.
- Either way, good luck.
- Oh, thanks.
You too.
(Andrea) You're history, bitch.
(Cybill) I wonder if there are any doughnuts left.
? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? It was a steady job, good money.
I was even starting to get recognised.
Yesterday a woman at the mall called me a worthless tramp.
You sure she's not just somebody from your high school? I'm seriously thinking of finding another career.
Like what? You don't act for 25 years without learning all sorts of job skills.
- Name three.
- Well, fencing, horseback riding Mime.
Oh, come on.
You'll be fine.
If you're ever in any real trouble, come to me.
Thank you.
I've always wanted a maid who could speak English.
- You're a saint.
- Oh, pish.
What are you doing Friday night? I'm not even sure what I'm doing right now.
Why? My daughter's in-laws are in from Boston.
As fun as that sounds, it's my night to stay home and pinch myself till I bleed.
I need at least one person there who likes me.
- Well, then, I would be a good choice.
- Thanks.
- Oh, great.
- What? - My fellow coma victim.
- Really? - Who's the john? - He's the producer of the soap.
Oh, my.
She's a fast little worker.
This is the part I hate, the back-stabbing and sucking up.
Isn't it enough just to be a good actor? I'll have another cappuccino, and would you bring my friend a clue? Do I stoop to the level of that two-faced casting-couch bimbo? - Oh! Look who's here! - Cybill, hi.
Andrea, I was saying how much I've enjoyed working with you.
- Believe me, I feel the same way.
- Oh, you're having lunch with Barry.
Barry and I go way back, but I would never attempt to influence his decision.
Shame on you for thinking I'd think that.
- Hi.
Andrea Stone, Cybill's friend.
- Maryann Thorpe, Olympic skier.
Oh, Thorpe.
Gee, I know someone named Thorpe.
Probably my ex-husband.
He's a plastic surgeon.
Oh, yes, well Cybill, I'll see you back in the salt mines.
And so nice to meet you, Mary Jane.
Pleasure, Andy.
- Go and make nice to the producer.
- No, I am no good at these games.
- All right, I'll go suck up for you.
- Sit! Listen to me.
I am not gonna sink into the slime with that woman.
Fine.
Start looking through the classifieds under Mimes Wanted.
- Wish me luck.
- Break a leg.
Thanks.
Hi, Barry.
So good to see you.
Oh, hi, Cybill.
Oh, I just wanted to tell you how much I've enjoyed playing Monica.
- And? - And I've really enjoyed it.
- You said that.
- Did I? Oh, ditzy blonde.
Duh! (She laughs) - So, what are you gonna order? - I'm having the veal.
I like to eat things that die young.
(Laughs exuberantly) - That wasn't a joke.
- I know.
It's just funny.
Not funny weird, funny ha-ha.
Oh, God.
Goodbye.
OK, I'm Maryann's maid.
Nice try, dear.
Too bad you're just out of your league.
- Have you seen my script? - On the other couch.
You need to rehearse being in a coma? Listen here, young lady, it just so happens Shut up! Duke, what are you doing on my script? Up, boy.
Up! Come on.
Come on! Get off! Get off, you stupid beast! All right.
I'm just gonna go in the kitchen and open up a great big can of Purina Horse Chow.
Ooh, boy.
This is gonna be good.
Mm! - I'm opening the can.
- (Can opener whirs) Moron! - Promise me, Dad.
- I promise.
- Say it.
- I will not show your in-laws my scars.
- Thank you.
- Not even the John Wayne one? - It's such a great ice-breaker.
- No.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Mom.
- What's going on? - We went shopping for Friday night.
Wait till you see what she made me buy.
Oh, Jeff, big-boy pants and lace-up shoes.
- I'll look just like a grown-up.
- Dad, sit.
If you want him to get up, I'll show you a trick.
Listen, both of you.
It took an awful lot to get Kevin's parents to come back after what happened at the wedding.
- (Both speak at once) - Hey, I don't wanna hear it.
Just let's not mention your special living arrangement.
- (Both speak at once) - Hey! I don't wanna explain why you are living in the same house.
Tell them the earthquake wrecked my condo.
No! No earthquakes.
Two things terrify them about LA - one is earthquakes, the other is the crazy woman who tried to neuter her husband at my wedding.
Good old Maryann.
Did they really mention Maryann specifically? Oh, Mother, you didn't.
? Working in a coal mine Going down, down, down? (Andrea) So, Barry, do you think it would add anything if, while they're wheeling me in, I suddenly go into convulsions? - No, I don't think so.
- Moaning? No.
Just lie flat on your back and don't move.
- That'll be a stretch.
- Morning.
- Hi, hon.
Oh, Barry.
- Hm? I'd like to give you these as a little thank you.
- I bought them myself.
- Muffins.
Thanks.
That's really sweet.
Here, put these out for the crew.
- I was - I haven't made a decision yet.
Oh, no, I wasn't gonna ask you that.
I was wondering if you could come over Saturday.
I'll make dinner.
Veal.
Baby veal.
I'll mull on it.
Good Cybill.
Baby veal as opposed to elderly veal.
Muffins, you bought him muffins.
That is so adorable.
You really aren't very good at this, are you, dear? All right, people.
Places! Let's get set up for this shot.
Cybill, Saturday's inconvenient.
How about Friday? - Ooh, Friday? - I'm available Friday.
- Fine.
Friday's fine.
- Excellent.
Standing by! Who's out of whose league now, blondie? Excuse me.
Make-up! I need a little touch-up over here.
Ciao, bella.
(Crashing and clattering) - Hey, Zo, you need anything? - A reason to live would be nice.
- One white-wine spritzer for Betty.
- Oh.
- Scotch and soda for Ed.
- I'm not used to drinking this early.
I understand.
You wait till he goes to bed, don't you? OK, sweetheart.
Get here as soon as you can.
Maryann's here, and she's talking to your parents.
Yes, that Maryann.
I didn't invite her, Kevin.
My brilliant mother did.
- Hi, Kev.
- OK, I'll see you soon.
I hope you locked Duke up.
Betty is terrified of dogs.
I'm bending over backwards to make this a nice dinner.
- I don't want this to be a disaster.
- Why are you ashamed of us? I'm not ashamed.
I'm embarrassed.
We are as respectable as your Boston in-laws.
Thank you.
Don't you think Ed and Betty would get a big kick out of meeting a real soap-opera producer? Oh, my God.
You didn't? - I'm sorry.
I had to.
- Explain why you had to.
Well Oh, your mother-in-law's talking to Zoey.
Oh, God.
? It's my party and I'll cry if I want to ? Cry if I want to Cry if I want to? Well, how long is a faculty meeting, Kevin? We already started eating.
Why aren't you making an effort to be here? Maybe he thinks his parents are as boring as we do.
Kevin, hurry.
I know how tough it is to sit through these family dinners.
Thanks for trying.
You have no idea how hard it is to keep up this cheerful fasade.
- It's OK if you wanna leave.
- Are you trying to get rid of me? - I'll go as high as 20 bucks.
- 25 and you'll never see me again.
I've gone.
- I'd like to propose a toast.
- Cheers.
- He hasn't made the toast yet.
- I trust him.
To Ed and Betty.
Welcome to LA.
Here's hoping you'll visit more often once Rachel's had the baby.
We hope if the kids do move to Boston, you'll come and stay with us.
Visit us! - Excuse me? - We don't have a lot of room.
- No, I mean the move to Boston part.
- Didn't Rachel mention it? No, Rachel didn't.
I didn't wanna upset you guys until we made our final decision.
Why move to Boston? Not that it's not lovely.
You have to admit that Los Angeles is not the best place to raise a family.
Oh, come on, Ed.
LA's a great place.
I raised my family here.
Yes, we know.
There's lots of great things about this city.
There's Disneyland.
We have Disneyland.
Where's our grandchild gonna go for fun in Boston? Harvard.
We have mountains, we have valleys, we have oceans.
White with foam.
Cybill, I think what we all want for a grandchild is an environment that promotes healthy values.
And we all know about Hollywood and show business.
I see the problem here.
- I'm an actress, Jeff's a stuntman - But we're no different.
- We work hard.
- We love our children.
- (Doorbell rings) - That's Kevin.
This sleazy image is just something you see on TV and in the movies.
Sorry I'm late.
Damn Cocaine Anonymous meetings go on for ever.
? We will have these moments ? To remember? So I'm in the shower, trying to come up with an idea, when I drop the soap, and it hits me.
Why not do an all-gay soap opera? It's brilliant.
Think of it.
Beautiful men, beautiful women, living together, loving together.
Great taste in clothes.
Tell me the truth.
You'd watch it in Boston, wouldn't you? Gays Of Our Lives.
Mother, he is just awful.
How could you invite him? - I'm trying to save my job.
- Oh, my God.
You're not planning on No, no.
Eurgh! No! This is just like when Kevin has the dean of the university over and you entertain.
But the dean doesn't discuss sadomasochism.
- I don't know about you but I learned a lot.
- You can't allow this to continue.
And you can't move to Boston without talking to me about it.
I was planning on talking to you about it.
If you move, I'll never get to see my grandchild or you.
I'm not saying we're moving, but it's my baby and it's my decision.
Well, you're my baby, and you are grounded! You can't ground me.
No.
But I can miss you.
So I said to the cop, "What's the point of having a gun "if you have to lock it in the glove compartment?" - Barry, can you help me a moment? - Gladly.
- (Jeff) I'll help you.
- You stay.
Jeff, why don't you tell Bet and Eddy your John Wayne stories? Ed and Betty.
Of course you are, dear.
You will never guess who shot me in the ass.
I like those people.
They're not phoney like everybody else in this town.
When are they leaving? Sorry.
I thought we'd have time to talk about the show.
Oh, yes.
The show.
Who will wake up from the coma? - Well? - I don't know.
But I'm thinking whoever wakes up can't move her legs, and the doctor says, get this, "We can't find anything physically wrong with her.
" That is so fresh.
Where do you come up with all this stuff? It's a gift.
I don't question it.
I promised Rachel I wouldn't show you the scar, but the bullet went in here.
John Wayne, imagine that.
Never call the Duke a nancy boy after he's had a fifth of Scotch.
I still got the slug up in my room.
In your room? You mean you live here? Uh Well, no, not here, not in the house.
I live way out in the garage.
I'm sorry, Rachel.
Remember, dear, you must keep living, for the baby's sake.
- (Doorbell rings) - Thank God! That's Kevin.
Hello.
Is Cybill home? Mother! Andrea, what are you doing here? I felt so terrible about what happened on the set and I wanted to apologise.
Oh, look.
Barry's here.
- What a surprise.
- Let me show you around.
- Oh, I wanted to say hi to Barry.
- Tough.
You listen to me.
I will not have you ruin my daughter's party.
Oh, please.
Your daughter's party? No one would invite a psychopath like Barry.
I want you out of this house this minute! What are you gonna do, darling? Throw me out? Just to see the clown get gored.
We understood that.
Hell, that's the reason I go to the rodeo.
That doesn't make it easier to take.
No one wanted to see him get hurt.
(Jeff continues indistinctly) Yes! Just remember one thing.
Pregnancy is no excuse.
Nobody likes a fat girl.
- Come with me.
- About time.
We going upstairs? We were never going upstairs.
Barry's not feeling well.
Say good night.
(AIl) Good night, Barry.
You're throwing me out? Interesting career move.
If you want to keep the best actress, give me a call.
If you don't, don't.
(Quietly) If your gay soap opera goes, I'd make a terrific lesbian.
Oh.
Oh.
I get it.
We got off to a bad start.
How about I get the coffee and we talk grandkids? - Oh, I'd like that.
- Thank you, Mother.
It's not too late to have a pleasant family evening.
- (Deep rumbling) - What's that sound? (Screaming) Earthquake! (Jeff) Everybody down! - (Rumbling stops) - (Cybill) Is everybody OK? (Maryann) I either spilled my drink or wet myself.
Oh, damn.
It's the drink.
- Rachel? - I'm OK, Kevin.
- Kevin.
- Mom? I wanna go home to Boston! (Screams) (Thud) I love you too, Rachel.
I'm glad we're talking again.
- Hurry up.
It's almost on.
- Honey, I'll call you later.
Say hi to Kevin.
She's stopped blaming me for the earthquake.
- Still thinking of moving? - Not right away.
She can't sell her house till they get it back up the hill.
- Good.
I love happy endings.
- Let's watch Andrea come round.
- We lost them both, Doctor.
- Well, I did everything I could.
- It's as if neither woman wanted to live.
- We're both dead? - Look.
Monica's hand moved.
- What? - What? - Monica's alive.
No, I'm not.
(? Stirring classical theme) My legs.
I can't feel my legs! I don't believe it! They recast my part! How can they do that to you? It's so unfair.
(Thinking) It's Laura from General Hospital.
I love her.
(Cybill) I heard that.