Dad Stop Embarrassing Me! (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, Pops. You're looking sharp.
Well, I am sharp as a jackknife,
as I always do.
[exclaims]
[laughs]
[Stacy] Yes!
- Yo. What up, Pops?
- Hey.
I see you. Looking sharp.
You look casket-ready. When's the funeral?
Well, I don't do funerals no more.
Every time I look in a casket,
I see a friend.
So, why the suit?
Oh, wait. What time is your arraignment?
August 11th, 2017.
I didn't go then and I'm not going now.
Fight the power!
- Ooh!
- Mmm.
Not that it's any of your business,
I got a job interview.
[chuckling] A job interview?
If I was your potential boss,
I'd ask you how to spell "interview."
And that wouldn't be a problem. I-F-U.
Let me tell you something, man.
I had a bunch of jobs. I was a chef, boy.
Oh, come on, Pops.
There ain't no chefs in the big house.
You was a cook.
What did they pay you in, cigarettes?
Yeah, well, I was good at it.
Three death row inmates
requested my gumbo as their last meal,
'cause I cook it real slow.
Well, listen, I don't understand
why you're trying to get a job.
Well, I figured your ass needed
some help around here paying the bills.
I don't need no help with the bills.
We're living in the lap of luxury.
Well, it looks more
like the crotch of poverty.
Look, do we need help with bills, Stace?
- Eh
- Eh?
- [Stacy] Uh
- Uh!
We spent the last
of our money on the pop-up.
And since we didn't get the investors,
I think we need to make some cuts.
Like, instead of bottled water, we go tap.
- And cut out some of the catered lunches.
- But
And maybe in your office,
you only need one massage chair?
One massage chair?
What I'mma do if someone comes over
and they want a massage?
I'mma just watch them get a massage?
Okay. Maybe you could make some cuts
in Brian's man-purse budget.
First of all, it's not a man-purse.
This is a messenger bag.
Well, what's it carrying?
Your balls?
[mock laughing]
No, it's actually carrying your wig glue.
[mock laughing]
I think it looks cute on you.
- Hey, baby girl. What you want?
- Hey, Pops.
We got ham, sausage, bacon. We got
Beans, greens, potatoes
Tomatoes, lamb, ram ♪
- Hogs, dogs ♪
- We got it! ♪
Beans, greens, potatoes
Tomatoes, lamb, ram ♪
Beans, greens, potatoes
Tomatoes, lamb, ram ♪
[vocalizing]
Do you have tofu?
We got toe jam.
I'm glad you're here with us now.
You're gonna eat all meat.
Ooh, did you see that they're dropping
the new Yeezys on Saturday?
What?
Man, Kanye's really got it figured out.
Shoes, records, church, Armenian queens.
So it's cool if I go down
to the store tonight to camp out?
By yourself? Oh, no, we're not doing that.
You got murderers out there
and pubescent, young teenage boys.
We ain't doing that. How about this?
How about we go have
a daddy-daughter-time moment?
We go to Walmart, okay?
Remember when
we used to go there on Black Friday
and I'd yell out "White Friday"?
Mmm-hmm.
Then we'd buy up all the Bratz dolls
and sell them for twice as much
to all the white divorced dads.
[both] Mmm!
- Gotta brag, right?
- Yeah.
[Brian] Ah, okay.
- Me and Pops, we used to go camping.
- Really?
We called it "getting evicted,"
but still, it was camping to me.
I took you fishing.
You did, but fishing
for coins in the mall fountain
don't have the same bounce to it.
You know what I mean?
The hell?
Oh, hey.
Johnny are you fornicating in my house?
I am so sorry, Brian.
I can take a white boy, but not the po-po.
And with the baby in the house?
I know they're having sex.
What are you doing down here?
You know there's a staircase
by the front door.
[groaning]
I'm sleepwalking. Now I'm sleep-talking.
Now I'm sleep-leaving.
Johnny, you my homie for life,
but you know the remedy for sleepwalking
is whooping your friend's ass.
- Whoop his ass.
- No, no! Take it easy!
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Just ask your sister.
- What?
- [Chelsea] Now you out of line!
[all shouting]
We can laugh, we can hang
But don't embarrass me ♪
Oh, no ♪
Please don't say the wrong thing, Dad
Don't embarrass me again ♪
We can dance, we can joke
But don't embarrass me ♪
Oh, no ♪
Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
When I'm hanging with my friends
Please don't be acting wild ♪
I said, please don't embarrass me
Dad, stop, don't embarrass me ♪
- [metal clanging]
- [Brian scatting]
Ah! Sasha, you've never really
seen my grill skills.
You know I had a grill scholarship?
Sasha, think fast!
Dad, please don't throw shrimp at me.
But, you know, if you're gonna do it,
let me show you how it's done.
- Give me that.
- Okay.
Okay. All right. What you about to do?
- [Sasha] Oh!
- Oh, okay. I see what you're doing.
Gonna get another one.
[munches]
That's what I'm talking about right there.
That's my seed, baby!
Shrimp Princess right here.
Shrimp runs through her.
I'm not with him. Please send help.
Look. Dad, I really appreciate
everything that you brought out here,
but I would've just been fine
with the lawn chair,
my hoodie and my phone,
like literally everyone else in this line.
Look at him! Right there. He's got a tent.
He's homeless.
Dad, you know what?
Can we just keep it low-key for a while?
Hey, we could do anything we want.
We could be low-key. I could be high-key.
- We could rock Alicia Keys
- Nobody cares about Alicia Keys!
It's about the Yeezys!
Just look at this line.
People go crazy for limited editions.
It's crazy. I ain't seen
this many Black people in line
since The Rock passed out
turkeys at Thanksgiving.
Can you smell the poultry The Rock
is cooking, Black people?
Dad, you just don't get it.
These shoes are special.
I heard that
if you look at them in a certain light,
you can even see Jesus dunking.
I've seen Jesus dunk.
His name is LeBron Raymone James.
- Huh?
- [coughing]
Dad, that was garlic powder.
You need garlic, baby.
It's good for your immune system.
There's a lot of stuff
going on right now. [coughing]
Dad, I just
I just really want this to be cool.
Babe, it's going to be cool.
And you know
what's gonna make it cooler? Karaoke!
Hah! I already locked in
the playlist of the songs that I want.
- Give me your list later.
- No
But you know "karaoke" is Japanese for
"Beer goes in, music"
Comes ou ♪
Shrimp Princess, out.
Okay, I guess
you don't have your playlist, huh?
You're doing it wrong.
You're the reason
why I pretend I can't understand English.
But that shit isn't even level, man.
Looks like you pouring a wheelchair ramp.
Look, I don't work for you.
Mr. Brian pays me.
Or he's supposed to, anyway.
And what do you know about construction?
Man, please!
You know that county jail off of I-75?
I built that box when I was in that box.
And it's sturdy as hell, too.
And if you ever get stuck in cell B-53,
there's an extra roll
of dookie paper behind a loose brick.
[chuckles] Well, if you know so much,
why don't you give me a hand?
Well, in the America that I'm from,
we pride ourselves on doing our own work.
Work? But you don't work.
Your job last summer was selling
fake tickets to the BET Awards,
and you spelled "BET" wrong.
First of all,
that's not my job, it's my hustle.
And second of all,
I didn't spell nothing wrong,
the dude at Kinko's did.
[in Spanish] He's gonna take me to
I understand Spanish, my friend.
[in English]
Ain't no mountain high enough ♪
Ain't no way I'm singing that.
Sash Sash, listen Oh!
Sash, listen. Listen.
How about the Jennifer Hudson version?
Ain't no mountain high enough ♪
And you, and you, and you ♪
Ain't no mountain! ♪
[vocalizing]
Hey, Mr. Dixon.
Hey. Put my shrimp down.
- Hey, girl! Hey!
- Hey!
- Girl, this line is popping!
- I was telling you.
I've seen at least two SoundCloud rappers
I've had situationships with.
Girl, you're still
breadcrumbing Lil' Sneezy?
But your Snapstreak ended two weeks ago.
Girl, you need to drop that
It's okay, I understood all of that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Zia Williams.
Fun fact, Zia was in
the sixth grade three years in a row.
Anyway, so what are you doing here?
I thought we could all hang out.
It's another person for you
to throw shrimp at,
and Zia here is really excited
about the Yeezys.
There's Yeezys coming out?
Yes. That's why you wanted
to come down here, remember?
Oh, yeah. I do remember
you saying I should say that.
- Who are we lying to again?
- Ugh.
Hey, look, whatever, y'all.
Here, here. Have a seat.
Look, we're doing karaoke.
We only got two mics.
Well, actually, we got three.
The third one has auto-tune in it.
That one is for you.
All right. We got the playlist right here.
- I usually don't let people in, but
- It's right here.
Hold on. If you have a request,
it's time. What do you want?
Maybe some Doja Cat.
- Remember our routine, remember? It goes
- [both singing]
Hey. How about some Lionel Richie?
That's what we got here.
This is what we doing tonight,
Lionel Richie.
As a matter of fact,
for the theme, since it's Yeezys,
how about this?
Yeezy like Sunday morning ♪
[Sasha] Wack.
Okay. Okay, you clowning?
Oh, you clowning? How about this?
You're once, twice
Three times a sixth-grader ♪
Ooh, how about
Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause ♪
we'll be in the tent.
- [Zia] I'm gonna just take these.
- [Sasha] Yeah.
- Hold on. Sash. Sash, what is this?
- What's what?
We're supposed to be bonding
and hanging out. Why is she here?
Plus, she's gonna dumb down
the smart TV I got in there.
I mean, we are hanging.
And Zia's smarter than you think.
[Zia] Where's the bathroom in here?
She's really good at basketball.
Well, I'm better.
Look, this is the time
for me and you to bond.
But all you wanted to do
is throw shrimp and sing songs.
Don't think I didn't see
the breakdancing mat in there.
[feigning surprise] What
you talking about?
- Catch it. Catch it. Catch it.
- Come on, Dad.
You know what? Fine. I'll go.
Why don't I just carry-my-oke out of here?
Boy, loosen your damn jeans up.
Hey, Pop.
Listen, let me ask you something.
Do I need to get Brian's permission
to fire Manny, or can I just call ICE?
No, Pops. You can't fire a guy
just 'cause you don't like him.
But what happened?
Well, all I did is tell him
his little funky concrete was crooked.
Listen, I'm a perfectionist.
That man got all Ricky Ricardo on me.
What up?
Hey. Where's Sasha?
Down at the Kanye thing with Zia.
Probably trying to convince Zia
that Samuel Jackson
is not part of The Jackson Five.
That girl's not the smartest.
Last week she asked Sasha
what date 9/11 happened on.
Tell you what, it was crazy out there.
You know what I don't get, though?
Sasha's on this thing, like,
"I got so many friends."
"I gotta go with my friend"
- Like I don't have friends. I got friends.
- Uh, who?
Uh, well, you know, I got
Well, there's Johnny, uh, Ronnie,
uh, Ricky, Mike.
That's New Edition.
Cool it now.
I just don't get it, though.
Here's the thing. I did everything.
I got the tent, I got the grill
So why does everything with you
have to be so big-time?
Because that's what I do.
I don't do small-time.
You ain't never heard a rapper
rap about copper and a Prius.
[laughs] Yeah, but maybe, just maybe,
she wanted it to be
you two just hanging out and talking.
I gave her that. I gave her that and more.
- She didn't want more. You did.
- Come on with that.
Brian, it's not always about you.
It's like my 30th birthday.
[scoffs]
Why would I want a cake that looked
like Halle Berry topless in Swordfish?
You're right. You're probably not.
And maybe it's just
I'm just too good of a dad.
You are too delusional of a person.
[imitates birdcall]
What's that?
Oh, that's my ringtone. [laughs]
Yeah, I changed it.
Your ringtone?
Yeah, it's just my ringtone.
[chuckles nervously]
[Chelsea imitates birdcall]
[exclaiming]
Sash. Hey, listen.
I got the vegan pizza for you.
It's, uh, nut cheese, no dairy,
no lactose, and
[spits] There ain't no taste.
All right, come on.
Come on, you gotta eat. Come on, now.
- Hey, Dad.
- What in the actual
Come on out!
Get out of here! Who in the hell is this?
This is Brodie.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- I don't want to meet you.
What are you doing in that tent?
And why you got your shoes off?
Socks is like foot underwear.
You naked out here!
Well, we didn't want to
disrespect your tent.
- I don't want you to breathe.
- Dad, calm down! You're acting crazy!
- I'mma show you crazy.
- Dad, stop!
Huh? Huh?
Look at you, huh?
You allergic to it? You swelling up?
- 'Cause I ain't got an EpiPen.
- I'm back, bitch!
Who's the bitch?
- Oh, hi, Mr. Dixon.
- Yeah, hi. Let me ask you a question.
What in the world is Sasha doing
in this tent alone with this boy?
Why did you leave her?
What? Sasha had a boy here?
I just don't think
we can be friends anymore.
I can explain.
Uh, we were just hanging,
talking about Jesus.
[chuckling] You know,
I should probably go.
- Yeah, you need Jesus.
- Stop. Seriously, Dad?
You know, I can't believe
that I came back here to apologize to you,
and here you are in this tent,
gallivanting with a boy.
Yeah, I said "gallivanting."
Black men say "gallivanting."
Sasha, your dad and I
are so disappointed in you.
[scoffs]
Okay, I'm out. There's no need
to tell my dad about this, okay?
Here you go. Love ya.
Look, Dad,
this really wasn't what you think.
I met Brodie in line. He's really cool.
And it turns out
he goes to school with Zia.
It's exactly what I think.
You're in a tent
with a boy with his feet out.
Dad, that's not me.
I was raised better than that.
Not that you'd know.
Hey, you better get that hot sauce
out your throat when you talking to me.
[sighs]
- You know the golden rule.
- Treat others how you want to be treated?
I don't give a shit about that. No boys.
Matter of fact, when you was born,
I held you up in the air
like the scene from Roots,
and I said, "Behold! No boys, ever!"
And then I handed you to the nurse
because the doctor was a boy,
and I don't want that.
Everything okay?
Everything is fine,
and you need to mind your white business.
All right, calm down.
You're creating a disturbance.
Oh, I'm creating a disturbance?
Let me tell you something.
I'm Red Lobster,
and it's unlimited shrimp all month.
- Hey!
- Stop with the shrimp!
That's it. You guys gotta go.
You hear that, Black people?
He said "guys."
That's just code word for "Black people."
- That's exactly what that is.
- Come on.
Okay. You're gonna
watch me start the revolution.
No Yeezys, no peace!
No Yeezys, no peace! Y'all with it?
Soft-ass millennials.
Then security kicked us out
and Dad made me listen to his "fight
the power" playlist all the way home.
And then, you know, at all the stoplights,
he mean-mugged
every white guy who pulled up next to us.
He got us kicked out
of a Spice Girls concert once.
He kept shouting,
"Why the Black Spice Girl gotta be Scary?"
Well, look at the Scarlet Letters.
[chuckles sarcastically]
What wakes you up so early?
You fighting the power, Flavor Flav?
I got the Yeezys, Mr. Brian.
Oh, my God! Dad, you got the shoes?
No, I got the shoes.
And you know what?
They're twice as much on eBay,
so if you got the cash, I got the shoes.
Oh, you know what, Manny?
I don't have the cash.
You know, I carry the plastic.
Yeah, we take plastic.
There you go. Just need a quick picture.
- What?
- Oh.
There you go. Add 15% tip.
What?
20% tip.
You let me borrow your finger, sir?
There you go.
Don't forget your credit card. Thank you.
[in Spanish] We're going to the beach.
[in English]
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh. You're welcome, you're welcome,
you're welcome!
The only thing is,
these Yeezys is for me-zys.
[scoffs] Are you serious?
Deadass.
So you really just got
those shoes for yourself and not for me?
I can't believe you!
And I can't believe these shoes.
Wow. What's wrong with you?
First of all, don't "wow" me in my house.
It's rules and regulations.
And when you break the rules,
there are consequences.
And her consequences
is me in these dope-ass kicks.
Okay, let's be real.
You only have one rule
when it comes to boys, "No boys."
Seems easy to follow, right?
What I don't get is these shoes.
I mean, they're making
all of this hype over the limited edition.
You should do
something like that with Bay.
Take that new lip gloss
that came in and slap
"Limited Edition Summer Release" on it.
Mmm, okay, sis, you cookin'.
You are good for something, huh?
You should use a hammer.
The crowbar's gonna damage that concrete.
Me no speaky English.
I don't need you to speak it,
I need you to hear it. Try it.
Bam. See?
[Manny exclaims]
That's good, Mr. Dixon.
Uh, Manny, I want
to apologize about yesterday.
I was having a shitty day.
Is everything okay, Mr. Dixon?
Well, I went to this job interview,
and once they found out I had a record,
the position was magically filled.
I need somebody to vouch for me.
Where is Kim Kardashian
when you really need her?
I get it. Before I met Mr. Brian
I went to apply
for a job at The Home Depot.
They said, "Sure, no problem."
"Just go wait outside in the parking lot."
- That's that bullshit right there.
- Yeah.
But that is the easier way to get a job.
"I need three men. Get in the van."
It's like you're not valuable
to society if you're not a citizen.
Or an ex-con.
Which is even messier for people
who are in there for no good reason.
Were you one of those people?
I never said I didn't do anything,
but I didn't do anything
- to deserve the time I got.
- Hmm.
It's systematic racism.
Once you have a record,
you're in the system.
They tried to give me
six years for smuggling
half an ounce of weed
in my sock on a plane.
If a teenage white girl did that,
the TSA would have gave her a high five.
[chuckles] Yeah, I get it.
Well, look, I just came out here
to make sure me and you are still good.
We're good, Mr. Dixon.
You do good work around here.
- If you ever want to help
- Sure, I do.
But you know I can't pay you.
You got this.
[both laughing]
Pops, I just don't get it.
Why am I not enjoying my life?
I'm single, I'm Black,
I'm a Sagittarius, I got my own business.
And look. Look at these kicks.
This is what they call the Yeezys.
I'm dripping hard,
like the kids would say.
I mean, I should be
living my life like Diddy.
Right now, I'm living my life
like the Black dude on This Is Us.
Your problem is you got
too many freeloaders around here.
By the way, this is your last beer.
[Zia laughing]
- Hey, Mr. Dixon.
- Hey.
- Oh, look at those Yeezys! [squealing]
- Yeah, right? Right?
Look, y'all!
Old people wear Yeezys, too! Old!
Dad, can we talk?
Yeah. 'Sup?
I've been talking with Zia,
and I just want to say that I'm sorry.
In order to be a great father,
you have to have patience.
Brian, enough with all
that PSA shit! It's your turn!
Go on.
You were right.
I do need to be more careful with boys.
Just because I know my intentions,
doesn't mean I know theirs.
Are y'all gonna talk the whole game,
or do I have to go get my Walkman?
Dad, I'm trying to be
someone that you can trust,
and I know that I have to earn that.
And what the hell is a Walkman?
I'm sorry, I guess I'm old.
I guess now all you young people
got that Discman.
If there's anything that I've learned
about this journey of parenting,
it's that, you know, trust is earned.
- But love is tough.
- Yeah.
It's tough. And when the tough get going,
we have to toughen up.
We have to toughen our skin.
- Tough.
- You have to be tough skin.
You know what I'm saying?
Because the love, when it is in the side
- Inside of toughness
- Yeah.
Because that's when the love gets tough.
'Cause it's tough It's tough love.
- So, we good?
- [chuckles dopily]
Yeah.
- [Sasha chuckling]
- [Brian exclaiming]
[both exclaim]
So is it okay if me
and Zia go to the movies?
Oh, you and Zia to the movies?
Let's see. Let me ask
the greatest father in the world.
[Brian clears his throat]
Hell, no.
Is it okay for these beautiful
children to go to the movies?
Yes, it is.
Whoa. Can he see ghosts? [gasps]
Can you ask my nana what's in her PB&J?
Like, I know that the "P"
stands for "peanut butter,"
but what does the "B" stand for?
I know that "B" don't stand for "bright."
[dramatic music playing on screen]
[softly] Hey. What's up?
- Want some?
- Sure.