Dads s01e03 Episode Script

1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, gang! Whoo, what a morning.
Been down at the stock exchange since 6:00 a.
m.
Oh, did you have a meeting? No, I was just yelling "buy" and "sell" until they threw me out.
Where's Warner? Running late.
He texted me some long message, I saw the words "kids" and "diarrhea," then I put my phone in a drawer and walked away.
His kids always have diarrhea.
What is wrong? I don't know.
When I was a kid, if you had diarrhea, you got slapped.
And you learned real quick.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Hey.
Things were crazy at the house.
First, the kids We know.
You need to slap them.
Slap flowing diarrhea, and then somebody left the freezer door open all night and it defrosted all over the kitchen floor.
Oh, another unsolved household mystery.
Yeah.
I tried to get Camila to hire some help around the house, but she-she thinks it's a sign of weakness.
Well, you could help.
You had me, man! Oh, my God! That was really funny! I know.
You were, like, "Wha?" You know, Warner, we don't need a housekeeper.
We're all pitching in.
You do nothing.
If you think Camila needs help, you could take my cleaning lady for the weekend.
Edna? You wouldn't mind? No.
I mean, we got an open relationship.
She's free to sweep around.
Ghost Child Games.
Customer complaining that his dragon won't fly.
What game? Dragonfly.
Just troubleshoot it.
Sure, I'm not doing anything.
Okay, it's down, X, left, left, Y, left, start trigger, right, right, up, up, and B.
Thanks for playing.
Oh! I need an intern.
Oh, you're right, you deserve one.
Let's make it a girl.
I'll do the interviews.
No.
No.
Well, then can we hire an ugly one with a great body and we can all just look where we want? Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
Move feet, please.
Move feet, please.
Move feet! Hey! English! English! English! Seriously? Again?! This one's not my fault, Eli.
She's loco! English! English! English! Dad, let Edna do her job.
Oh, sure, take her side, like always.
This is so unfair! I made your favorite horchata.
Oh, thanks.
Um, Edna, I was wondering, if instead of coming here this weekend, maybe you would clean Warner's place? You want me to clean another man's house? Well, just for the weekend.
I mean, I told him how good you are.
You talk to Warner about me? Well, not, like, details.
Just, you know, that you're very good, and we're really happy together.
Okay, I clean him.
I clean him good.
Babe, I got you something.
Edna! Why? Warner says you need to relax.
You very a-stress.
A little bitchy.
Edna, you're so funny.
Baby, look, I appreciate this, I really do.
Zih! I'm not comfortable Zuh! I'm not comfortable Zig-a-uh! Drink.
Ooh.
Ooh That's straight tequila.
Whoo! Stay thirsty, my friend.
Hey, guys, what's going on in the video game world, huh? Catch me up.
They're not here.
Ah.
Oh, hey, I brought in your mail.
I sorted it for you.
Here's bills, letters, and this is new listings of Christian singles in your area.
Well, thanks, Crawford.
That was really helpful.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
Hey, do you have a résumé? Well, yes.
It's the only thing in this briefcase.
It says here you worked for Regional Business User Machines.
Yes, R-BUM we called it.
In fact, our motto was, "We're in the Yellow Pages.
Look up R-BUM.
" Uh, and tell me about some other places you worked.
Well, I worked for NASA on the Challenger mission.
Boy, when they say, "Don't touch that button," they mean it.
Well, if you don't mind being an unpaid intern, you're hired.
Would you say that again, please? You're hired.
I want to call my mom.
Oh, that's sweet.
Really? No, she's way dead.
Mm.
When was the last time we just relaxed and watched a movie together as a couple? Was it Battleship? You were so mad at me.
Having Edna this weekend more than makes up for it.
Okay, see you tomorrow.
What? Tomorrow? Well-well, hey, we'd love to have you, but this-this was just for the weekend, remember? Tomorrow you're back with Eli.
I like your house better.
Oh.
Yeah, that's, uh, well, that's great, but you work for Eli, remember? You've been with him for years.
He needs you.
No.
You tell him I work for you now.
Uh, shouldn't you tell him? No speak English.
See you tomorrow at 3:00.
Break time! Oh, hey, Dad, you know, I know I say this every day, but what are you doing here? I'm working.
Didn't Veronica tell you? What? You said I could hire an intern.
Why don't you hire your dad? Because he's too busy buying cheap, ill-fitting pants.
Hey! Oh, hey! How was the weekend with Edna? Cool.
All right, good talk.
Come on.
Give me details.
Uh, Eli, you know, I gotta talk to you man-to-man.
Where are you gonna find two men? I, uh, I think you should sit down.
Why? Because I have some bad news, and you might faint.
What am I, a woman in 1810? I'm not gonna faint.
Edna's with me now.
What? You you stole my maid? It wasn't planned, it just happened.
Oh, "it just happened.
" It never just happens.
It takes two! Hey, hey, we're all consenting adults here.
This kind of thing happens all the time in Europe.
Well, last I checked, we're in San Francisco, where guys have each others' backs! Don't be mad at me.
I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
You know what? I'm not mad.
It's it's all right.
I I hope you two will be very happy together.
And you're-you're right.
It's-it's nobody's fault.
This is all your fault! How dare you blame me! What are you talking about? Edna left us.
You pushed her into Warner and Camila's arms with your negativity and your stubbornness and general youishness.
I'm not Youish.
Oh, yes, you are! You are the reason people hate the Yous! That's "anti-semantic.
" Dad, what are we gonna do without Edna? I'm your father.
I'll take care of you.
You've never taken care of me.
Of course I have.
You just don't remember.
That's 'cause you left when I was five.
How many diapers did you change? Who counts? Mom said none.
So your mom counts.
Dad, you need to apologize to Edna and hope she takes us back.
I never apologize to women.
If you do, they'll expect it every time you do something wrong.
Wow, you're like evil Yoda.
We don't need Edna.
I can do everything she does.
Oh, you're gonna clean the toilets? Why do you need to clean a toilet? You just pee it off.
Well, I restocked the paper trays and watered the plants.
What else you got? Ex-boyfriend.
Won't accept end of relationship.
Jason.
Jason.
Jason, it's over.
Mm-hmm.
No, she's grown and you haven't.
Oh, come on, Jason, tears aren't gonna turn this aircraft carrier around.
Next.
Well, I'm actually headed out to an animators' conference, so why don't you just stay here and help out Warner for the rest of the day? What? Uh, what-what are you doing? Well, Veronica's gone.
She asked me to shadow you.
Oh.
Hey, uh, Dad, why don't you go to lunch? Good idea.
Yeah, okay.
Mmm.
Carrots? Mm-hmm.
I'm on a diet where you eat 10,000 of these a year.
This is day one.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Great idea.
There-there's only one stall.
I know.
Okay.
Okay.
Dad, this place is disgusting.
And I've been to India.
We've got to get Edna back.
Will you please just apologize to her? What? This is how our place should look.
We're two young single guys.
Oh, yeah, and Joan and Melissa Rivers are two young single women.
Is there anything for breakfast? No.
Scientifically proven the least important meal of the day.
You said you'd take care of me.
I also told your mother till death do us part.
I think my pattern's established.
Now, that's what I call hump day.
Honey, I heard you the first time.
Oh.
I wasn't sure if you did.
What is she doing? Oh.
Eli told me about this.
She-she actually makes her own lemon cleaner from scratch.
More bleach.
Honey, honey.
Look at the laundry.
It's folded.
Oh, my God! I bet you this is what God smells like.
Edna, what did you put in this detergent? It smells fantastic.
Cinnamon, brown sugar and holy water.
It's amazing.
You're amazing.
What's so funny? Nothing, it's text.
Oh, oh, that's pretty funny.
Who-who's texting you at this hour? It's Eli.
He text me picture of his junk.
What?! See? Look, his apartment covered with junk.
Hey, uh, why did you run over here so fast? Why did you? Dad! Yeah? Where's the toilet paper? Gone.
I thought we agreed to four squares a day? I had a 22-square disaster earlier.
Use the cardboard tube.
It's gone! I can slip your diploma under the door.
Do it.
Well, the place is clean.
Yeah, I'm-I'm glad you ordered a maid, I guess.
Yeah, but when you order a maid, you make certain assumptions.
Fresh undies, guys.
Get them while they're hot.
Who's the briefs man? Me.
Wow, vintage '87 tighty-whities.
You don't see a lot of these anymore.
Okay, last load.
Come on, arms up.
What about you, D-man? Let's go, arms up.
Keep moving, weirdo.
Boy, you really blew it when you got rid of Edna.
Me? Edna left because of you.
Me? What I do? Well, she's been working here for six years without a problem.
You're here three weeks and she's gone.
You have ruined the longest, most successful relationship I've ever had with a woman.
We are talking about a housekeeper, right? Well, Edna's more than that to me.
She's like a mother and a friend and a Mexican laborer all wrapped into one.
Hey, guys.
As long as my stuff's in the wash, you mind if I grab a quick "showw"? All righty, I moved your car.
God, that thing is dented.
Yeah.
Everyone else on the road is a really bad driver.
Listen, Crawford, I'm really sorry, but we're gonna have to let you go.
What? Why? Well, legal sent this memo over.
You can't be an unpaid intern unless you're in college.
Oh, rats.
All this damn red tape.
It's-it's ruining this country.
Well, it's not the first time I've been fired.
All right, gang, I I guess this is good-bye.
Unless, somebody's got a good-bye cake? No.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Dad? How would you like a paid position at this company? Really? Well, what kind of money we talking? Uh, $200 a week, which will be applied to your $200 a week room and board.
$205.
Nope.
Deal.
Hey.
Eli? I want to hear you say it to my face.
Are you happier with Warner and Camila than you were with me? Sí­.
But we had plans.
I was gonna rent a beach house for the summer and you were gonna clean it.
The lady's made her choice, bub.
Hey, the lady can speak for herself, Mac.
Okay, okay, okay, come on, guys.
Remember the last time you got in a fight, the nurse said she'd never seen so many scratches.
So, baby, you go over there.
Eli, we can help you find another Edna.
Okay? I don't want another Edna.
I want Edna.
If Edna is what my boy wants, Edna he shall have.
I'd like to read from a prepared statement, if I may.
"I'm very, very sorry "for the following reasons: "Potato chips in sofa.
"Wet towels on floor.
"Green card jokes.
"Large family jokes.
Everything I said about beans.
" So? What did she say? Uh, no.
Dad, how'd you even get here? Guys, it is hot out.
Wait a minute, who the hell are you? Oh, this is our new maid, Joshua.
You can call me 'Shua.
Uh, no, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Hey, David, text me when you want to jet.
I'm just gonna roller-B around the block.
You have new maid already? Oh yeah, 'Sh 'Shua's terrific.
This what you want now? White maid? Well, I'd rather have you.
Edna? When I'm sick, who takes care of me? Edna do.
Yes.
And you remember when I got hurt playing basketball? Who carried me 12 blocks to the emergency room? Edna.
Yes.
Come home, Edna.
My heart, my refrigerator is empty without you.
Oh, Eli.
Be strong, Edna.
We got a good thing going here, okay? I wish I could clean for everyone, but I go back with Eli.
Yes.
Warner, you have family, beautiful kids.
Eli have nada.
He has me.
Nada.
Oh, Edna.
Be good.
Eli, come to Edna.
So we're cool, right? Yeah, we're cool.
Does she, uh, ever mention my name? No.
Okay.
Can I smell your shirt? Guys, we have a 3:00 meeting.
Push it back!