Dag (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

1
So that's what you look like.
Three. Rufus has broken
three paws and his tail.
He could fill a room with joy.
Now, he's just like a book end.
He tries pulling himself around
on his one good paw, -
- but his legs in a cast
just won't move.
When he tries to shake hands,
he tips over onto his little snout.
- Like a cheese.
- Yes, like a cheese.
- I was having a bad day
- A bad day?
Is that what Hitler had
when he entered the ghettoes?
"Sorry, I'm having a crap day?"
You monster!
He was our little bundle of joy!
- Bundle of joy?
- Yes.
- I will of course settle this.
- Blood money. Judas money.
The doctor says
he'll never be the same again.
Image what it's like for a poor little pooch.
Stumbling through life like a drunk Norwegian!
He would play with Rufus every
day for three, four, five hours.
- Ten hours!
- Seven.
Seven hours every day.
And now
He has no family to blame for his
inadequacy. He blames a beaver.
- No, no, no
- Do you want to talk about it?
I wasn't going to drink for a year,
but there we go again.
I have an image of myself dancing,
somewhere where everyone else is 17.
Like a re-animated corpse.
- Like an Elvis-apparition.
- Got it.
If they really were teenagers,
you'll never see them again.
Tell that to the voices in my head.
The worst part is, I could have had
each and every one of them.
- Does that matter?
- Not anymore.
You couldn't have removed
the dishes first?
Do you know what else I can't get?
Your brother.
- Is that what you want?
- I don't know. No No.
File this under "Operation Costs".
I can't read this. What is it?
Proof that I should abstain
from contact with other beings.
- When's my first appointment?
- They're in your office.
Dag? Why don't you serve
your clients tea?
You know, chai
or something that's relaxing?
I want them to be fully alert.
If they're calm and harmonious, -
- they're not in the space
where their problem is.
It seems more fair
to start arguing straight away.
It saves them money, and I don't
have to see them more than necessary.
- And they've both given
- Both. Doubles.
Good.
So, here we are again.
- How can I help you?
- My wife drinks too much.
- According to him, I do. Can you blame me?
You want to have sex all the time.
Shut up,
or I'll shove it up number two.
And before you ask
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
- How much do you drink?
- Just enough to cope.
Could I have another espresso?
Malin. Please turn off the call system.
This isn't a radio play, you know.
- Hot, hot, hot.
- Have you not had enough?
That's exactly how I feel.
And now it's my turn!
The point is, she drinks wine
when she's cooking, -
- she drinks wine while she eats, -
- and then has a drink to relax, while
she's doing the dishes or whatever.
- And what are you doing while?
- I'm not drinking.
Can I get up, or do I have to sit
still when I talk?
- How long have you been together?
- Seven. Seven, seven.
- Seven years?
- More espresso!
Malin!
Right
You've entered what we call the
"Dead Relationship Walking Syndrome".
Your relationship is headed
straight for the electric chair.
Correct me if I'm wrong here,
Sara, but Isak:
I think your wife is the most bored
out of the two of you.
You fill your time by nagging,
and she fills hers with wine.
So she should just keep drinking?
Let me quote Sinatra: "I favour
anything that gets you through -
- the day, be it pills,
prayer, or a bottle of booze."
So you're saying
we shouldn't stay together?
I think you should spend your money elsewhere,
before Isak gets addicted to espresso.
Stop playing with your tits.
OK, I'm outta here.
Fucking bitch.
You won't be getting any,
the way you're acting.
Here
Bernander's Moving Company.
Tell him I sent you, and he'll do you a deal.
But don't swear,
he's a Christian.
I told him
he could take a cup to go.
Listen, your sister stopped by. I was really
nice, and said she could wait here, -
- but she'd rather go to
the coffee shop.
She looked sad.
Is she in some kind of trouble? Or are you? Is there
some kind of problem between the two of you?
It's a great morning. Smashing.
That'll do. See ya.
Malin said you stopped by.
She nearly billed me for looking
depressed in your waiting room.
That's pretty much what we do.
- Depressed?
- Yes. Or no.
Theo is thinking about
moving to his dad's.
He's 17. I remember 17. To him I'm
the lamest person in the universe.
His dad holds that title.
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm going to be a dad.
But I'm still young.
I've still got all my hair.
So you're nailing yourself
to the work top?
When you pierce your ear, -
- can the ring be put in straight way?
Would you mind helping me?
- He was vulnerable.
- He's a moron!
You're not a human being to Theo,
you're just his mum.
Once he gets something to compare to,
in this case, -
- the dregs of humanity,
you'll come out looking just fine.
Think of it this way: The apartment
won't be half empty, it will be half full.
- And I've got a house guest too.
- Eva?
Yes. But she's moving today,
she found an apartment.
She took it unseen.
You have to ask her on a date.
- Why?
- Because she want to.
- She asked for a date!
- She asked for a date?
She asked for a date!
- All right, but it will have to be tonight.
- How come?
Because my day is destroyed already.
And you'll keep nagging
until I say yes.
- No one.
- What do you mean, no one?
You have no more clients.
- Do you mean today?
- No, none at all.
- Why not?
- 90 per cent of you clients -
- only have one session
before they divorce.
Which eliminates the need
for further couples counselling.
You've exhausted you client base.
I've cured them.
What about the others?
Stokstad is having a special deal
for couples with sexual problems, -
- and Torgersen is still doing
anger management.
Torgersen. What does he know?
Torgersen. Lars, hi!
Bit of anger management, eh?
We've been working on
impulse control. He's fine now.
He looks fine.
How many sessions have you had?
- Ten.
- Really?
My wife left me, you see,
after we met with you.
You spending 30 grand on Ninja swords
and melons might have clinched it.
You're not exactly
a fruit basket, Lars, -
- but your wife was warm, generous, -
- and bright, as well as beautiful.
You're more, and I may be
off base here, a compost sort of guy?
He doesn't seem entirely cured,
Torgersen.
If I were you, Lars,
I'd demand a refund.
Make another appointment
for Lars.
I know a guy at the Times.
I could place an ad for you, so
everyone here won't go bankrupt.
Yes, do that.
- I think you need another damp cloth.
- Yes.
What's the time?
- Ten fifteen.
- Ten fifteen? That's all?
-Yes.
Jesus, Malin.
Why do you keep working here?
- I like it here.
- Come on.
- Honestly?
- Yes, be honest.
I love human disappointment.
Or, not disappointment, exactly.
But suffering.
People who obliterate
their sense of dignity.
People banging their head against the
wall, their heart on their sleeve
I just love it.
It's just my cup of tea.
I'll put in that ad for you.
Could you do something janitorial
for once, and fix the elevator?
I know. Wait here.
I've had a shitty day.
I don't know if I can hear it.
There are
two kinds of stories, Dag.
There are the sad ones
your clients dump on you, -
- and those that make you feel better -
- because someone's worse of than you.
That would be me.
- Not today. Not even you.
- Oh yes.
My smoking cough woke me yet again.
You know,
soaked in sweat, screaming lungs.
- Smoking Hotline.
- I've just stopped smoking.
I'll snap within the next 15 minutes
unless you help me out.
- Who am I talking to?
- Eileen.
Okay.
I'm Benedikt. Wow, that's
a beautiful voice you've got.
So how long have you quit?
I literally just quit.
I just woke up, and decided to quit.
So, Eileen,
my future is in your hands.
We're always here
when you need us.
You've reached the Smoking Hotline.
Please leave a message.
Eileen.
It's Benedikt, from this morning.
Listen, I'm at my wit's end here.
Please just call me back.
- Hi, this is Benedikt.
- Hi.
- It's Eileen from the hotline.
- I can hear that.
How can I help you?
Unfortunately,
her shift didn't end until 4PM.
That's a beautiful martini,
can I have another?
She was a district track
and field star in her teens.
She jumped over
a cheerleader once, at a party.
You're so beautiful.
The third time I conked out,
she'd had enough.
I slept for two hours
with my head in the minibar.
And to top it off,
I ran into Mia's butcher brothers.
They screamed they'd kill me
if I don't sign the paternity papers.
Try running 60 metres
when your head is refrigerated.
Frostbite. Hurts like hell.
I had to keep my head warm.
It makes me look like
a Sikh chef or something.
I don't want this. I'm not
just some guy sleeping around.
You've been unfairly tagged.
You're actually a multi-faceted,
well-read, profound soul.
Beyond that again,
you're just a slut.
You feel that the initial label
obliterates your other qualities.
But it doesn't change that you're
a dog with pillowcase on your head.
- No.
- No.
- What do you think?
- Same shirt as last time?
- Girls notice these thing.s
- And so do you, apparently.
Don't open up.
Hi, please come in.
Are you playing hide and seek,
or getting ready for an execution?
The latter. I thought we were
meeting at the restaurant?
Yes. But I was early,
and with the shape I'm in, -
- I couldn't face going in on my own.
Let me just change my shirt.
- Bad day, huh?
- Yes, very.
Me too.
Anything in particular?
Trouble with a lady friend.
Actually, several ladies, really.
We're off, then?
- Good luck.
- Thanks. Have a great time.
- I don't know if I can do this.
- Come on.
- What are you having?
- Carbonara. Always Carbonara.
- How's the Carbonara?
- Dreadful.
- He's the only one who eats it.
- I'll have the Carbonara, then.
Signora, that is
a great sacrifice even for love.
This is hell. Not seeing you, of
course, but being around people.
It always is.
So why are you here?
Because Marianne said
you wanted to see me again.
Did you?
What's that?
It's not "what", it's "who"?
He's the perfect antidote to dating,
anxiety, and social interaction.
This is so much better.
- What is it?
- I can hear him calling.
Come to mama, cute little bear.
No.
You can't have any more now.
I mean, he's really, really nice,
but he can be really mean, too.
Are you dizzy?
That was nice. While it lasted.
You have to train that panda of
yours. It's too harsh with newbies.
I'll have a word.
I know you don't want company
after your dates, so
Good night.