Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

She's cute.
Stay focused.
Who? Anita's niece.
She is cute.
But stay focused.
Okay, what's your position on cat bylaws? Cat bylaws? They're talking about making them get tags, like dogs.
Does anybody care about that? Lonely people with nothing in their lives.
A big constituency for you.
So, what should I say? I did a card on that.
.
BARB: Okay, guys, we're up.
(Bell ringing) Okay, wait, I got it.
Relax, I'll think of something.
That's what I'm afraid of.
And that is why, once again, I am in favour of clean water.
Okay, let's talk about the proposed cat bylaw.
Mr.
Phillips, what's your stance? Uh, I'm against it.
Okay, would you like to tell us why? Uh, because Because they're just cats, you know? And cats are cats.
So you don't think cats are important? No, they're great.
But, you know, they They just run around and stuff.
They should be free to do what they want, like other animals.
You know, raccoons, rats.
Did you say they were like rats? Oh, I'm against rats.
No, no, no.
Cats are different from dogs, is my point.
So you mean not as good as dogs.
Well, I'm afraid we're out of time.
Okay, it was a stupid answer, but what was I supposed to say? Oh, yeah, wow, that would have been good.
Well, glad I missed work for that.
Ah, it's cable access.
No one was watching.
Cats are rats? You were watching? Has anyone ever told you you look dumber on TV? Hey, I just got a little discombobulated and-- He didn't prepare.
No, no, it's not my fault.
He couldn't find the card that tells me what to say.
Maybe instead of you running for election, we should just vote for the card.
Yeah, if Jeff can find it on time.
Hey, I worked hard on these cards, okay? I had to move all my wife's recipes.
I'm sorry.
I don't get it, Dan.
You say you're serious about this campaign and then you walk onto that show totally unprepared.
That's not fair.
I was only somewhat unprepared.
You know what? I got to go.
The X930 is broken down at work.
The X9 what? It's a photocopier, Dan.
You've got to get out more.
Knock, knock.
Hello, Mr.
Pendleton.
You know Alan.
Wessex's next mayor.
I like the sound of that.
Well, don't get too used to it.
Because soon they'll just be calling you mayor.
Oh, that does sound better than "next mayor.
" I told you.
She's got it.
What? It.
Oh, well, I could use it.
We could all use it.
(Laughing) (Laughing) Well, it was really nice to see you again.
Well, Claire, we didn't just come here to tell you that you have it.
Frank tells me you're the best, and I need some help with my campaign.
Oh, you're going to be a client.
This will be more of a favour that we're doing for Alan and that you're doing for me.
Oh, well, I have a bit of a conflict.
It's nothing.
She used to date Dan.
Yeah, so, it would be Don't worry about that.
I just need a little advice.
Well, I'm pretty busy.
Demographic reports? We don't waste our top person on this.
Let me give it to someone a little farther down the food chain.
Oh.
Show her the sign.
What do you think? "Stay the course and the town will suffer"? Shouldn't it read "or the town will suffer"? Good catch.
She knows her prepositions.
Conjunctions.
They're conjunctions.
Welcome to the team.
Okay, you own a cat.
Yeah, Goofball.
What? The cat's name is Goofball.
Right.
How can I regain your trust, as a cat person? That's easy.
You can't.
Really? What if I had a cat and I showed you I liked it and that my earlier comments were just me having fun as only a cat person can? You don't own a cat.
No.
Can I borrow yours? No.
Just for the afternoon.
Hey.
What do you think? Is it Blu-ray? Finally a technology that will never be obsolete.
Can you imagine what Top Gun will look like on this? Yeah.
I think I can.
How was your day? Oh, Frank wants me to help on Alan's campaign.
That's a great opportunity.
His campaign sign said "Stay the course and the town will suffer.
" That's good.
It's supposed to be "or.
" The point is, it's just P.
R.
It doesn't mean anything.
Just P.
R.
? P.
R.
's what I do.
And you're really good at it.
I got your call, what's the big emergency? Hey, I just want you to know that I realize I fumbled the ball on this one.
So you bought a cat? Well, I-- I borrowed it.
You stole a cat? No, I really borrowed it.
Look, I screwed up and now I'm going to fix it.
Oh, hey, guys.
Okay, are we live? Yeah, on every network.
Oh.
No, we're not live.
Oh, uh, ahem, well, I own a cat.
His name is Mr.
Boots and I love him.
He's my little furry friend.
So are you in favour of the cat bylaw, or? Oh, hang on, this is good.
Hey, get the card.
(Thudding) Oh, no! Mr.
Boots.
Mr.
Boots! So, what was the plan again? You show them the cat and win the election? There was a middle part that didn't involve a bus.
Okay, look, we got to find another cat.
Tabbies is what we're looking for.
No.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was a tabby.
Dan, I'm not going to help you find another cat.
You have time to fool around like this all day, I don't.
One of the machines is down.
The X390.
At least pretend you care.
Sorry.
Look, I've been talking this over with my wife.
This isn't working.
I can't keep doing this.
No, you can't quit.
Is this because of her recipes? I mean, we can find another box.
I'm sorry.
You need to find someone else.
(Sighing) Oh, hey, how'd it go? Fine.
Jeff just quit.
Where is my cat? Oh.
Actually, "fine" isn't the right word.
Okay, where do we begin? First we need to talk about your messaging.
Your slogan.
Oh, before I forget.
This is for Mike.
Caddyshack on Blu-ray.
The gopher looks amazing.
(Chuckling) Mike will love it.
I'm sure he will.
And between us, with you working with me, his firm stands a good chance at making that big sale to the city.
So me working for you helps him out? Big time.
You know what? Can we do this another time? I need to talk to my fiancé.
Oh, you already have Caddyshack? We need to reschedule.
Okay, what were you saying about my slogan? It's fine.
Just P.
R.
, doesn't mean anything.
Oh, hey, Jeff, it's Dan.
You're probably busy fixing your UB40 or whatever.
I know it's not really named after an old band.
Call me.
Man, I'm sad about Jeff quitting my campaign.
I'm also sad about your cat.
I'm really, really sorry about Mr.
Boots.
Her name was Goofball.
Why do you keep calling her Mr.
Boots? She had white paws, looked like little boots.
It was a better name.
Plus I didn't want to tarnish Goofball's reputation.
So you threw her in front of a bus.
No, she jumped.
Cats jump.
They love to jump.
That's why you're there to stop them from jumping.
Especially in front of buses.
At least s d died doing what she loved.
Oh, hey, Brianna.
Hey, I heard about your cat.
What? Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was a shock.
He jumped into traffic a lot when I'd take him for walks and such.
You walked your cat? Is that unusual? I mean, I'd walk him mostly around the house and he'd look out the window and you could tell that he want t to jump into traffic.
What? Okay, you know what? It doesn't matter anymore.
My campaign's sunk.
It wasn't my cat.
I-- I borrowed it.
You stole a cat? No, no, I-- I literally borrowed it.
To illustrate a larger truth that I like cats.
Do you like cats? No.
I know it was a stupid idea.
I mean, this whole thing was a stupid idea.
And my campaign manager just quit.
I mean, it's over.
Oh, give it a rest.
I'm sorry? I don't know you very well, Dan.
This cute, scruffy-looking bartender guy running for mayor, everybody assumed it was a joke.
But lately you had me convinced that maybe it's not.
Is it? No, it's not.
It's just-- So suck it up.
You need a new campaign manager.
Get one.
You can do this.
I don't mean you can win.
But you can lose with dignity.
Yeah.
Thanks for the pep talk.
My pleasure.
So are you going to tell people I lied about the cat? I'll give you a pass on that.
And when you said I was cute? My point is that you're scruffy-looking.
Do we really need all these cables? Come on, you know that when I get stressed, I buy AV cables.
Oh, what are you stressed about? Oh, just work stuff, you know.
Oh, yeah? Your big sale with the city not going well? Well, it'll go as long as Alan wins and Oh.
You're mad.
Do you think maybe you could have told me about this when you were encouraging me to take the job with Alan? I should have, yes.
It's just that with Alan and Bud this was a sure thing but now that anyone could win, like Anita Vargas Or Dan.
Right.
Sorry, or Dan.
I just-- Anyway, I should have told you about the deal.
I'm sorry.
(Doorbell ringing) We're not done here.
I don't get it.
It should be working.
Yeah, if you can't fix it, I don't know what you think I'll find.
You're the man.
Yeah, I know, but I appreciate you looking anyway.
Unlesshang on.
What? The print drum isn't seated.
Look, now's not the time for jokes.
No, no, I'm serious.
Look.
Oh, wow.
I've never seen you make a mistake like that.
Neither have I.
I mean, that's the first thing you check.
It's written right on the piece of paper taped inside the machine.
Yeah, I know.
I wrote the sheet of paper taped inside the machine.
Something going on, boss? I'm sorry.
This is about Dan.
I should have had his back, but I quit on him.
And now I've got to make it right.
Wow, sometimes it's spooky what photocopying teaches you.
Sure.
Oh, wow, is that Blu-ray? How's it look? Oh, it's amazing.
You know the FBI warning before the movie? DAN: Yeah.
Looks incredible.
What's up, Dan? Oh, Jeff quit as my campaign manager.
Will you take over? No! It's just that Claire's working for Alan Duffy now.
So, uh, that's too bad.
Actually, I told Alan Duffy I needed to think about it.
You did? Mm-HM, well, if Dan needs me, maybe I should work for Dan.
Yeah, but what good is it to work for the side that's going to lose? At least he's up front with me.
I'll do it.
Great.
I was up front with you.
Eventually.
Don't worry, Dan.
As long as you run an honest campaign, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Right.
So is there anything I need to know about? No, no.
Nothing, no.
(Clearing throat) My cat got run over, but that's just an ordinary thing where my cat that I owned got run over.
Okay.
Not what I was expecting.
Oh, yeah, it was very sudden.
Oh, good swing.
You really got through that one.
I wish I liked golf.
You don't like golf? I hate it.
Why do you play? Bud made me.
But Bud's not here.
I don't want people to know Bud made me.
Okay.
Don't tell anyone.
Okay.
Hey, I'm sorry Claire quit your campaign.
I hope my bid Oh, don't worry about your bid.
Good.
It's gone.
Killed that, my friend.
Oh.
Now, if anyone asks if I love golf, just say I do and I took it up on my own.
Okay.
Maybe not that last part, because that would look like you're covering.
So just say I love it.
Done.
And then if they ask, you can say I took it up on my own.
Oh! I own a cat.
His name is Mr.
Boots and I love him.
He's my little furry friend.
(Meowing) (Thudding) BARB: Mr.
Boots, dead at 6 years old.
But not forgotten.
Now cat-loving Wessegonians have established the Mr.
Boots fund.
A charity to build a cat park: a clean, safe, bus-free zone where cats can be cats.
You know, this is good.
This builds empathy for you.
Yeah.
Every time a bus hits someone or something, I come up aces.
Best not to say that too much.
We should run with this fund.
I'm not-- I'm not sure.
Why not? Well, just because, maybe-- I know you're sad about your cat but you didn't start this.
It's not like you've done something wrong.
Yeah, sure, whatever you think.
ANITA: Lucky idiot.
His cat happens to die and now people love him more.
If I was his cat, I would jump in front of a bus too.
Give Dan a break.
His campaign manager quit because of this.
Why? Oh, uh I think he just realized that it was too much to handle.
Plus his friend also loved the cat.
Dan's cat.
Here you go.
Yeah, I'm sorry about quitting.
I was just really stressed.
Oh, no, I understand.
It's always an emotional time when a photocopier is broken.
You think you build a wall, but sometimes it gets to you.
Anyway, I've been thinking.
I was wrong to quit.
I want back in.
Oh.
Uh Yeah, I-- I asked Claire.
You got Claire? Yeah.
Oh.
That's good.
Good.
Didn't take too long.
I'm sorry.
Good.
TV REPORTER: A shocking development today in the Mr.
Boots story.
What's this? Allegations of fraud.
We all feel the loss of Mr.
Boots.
But I have it on good authority that Dan never owned a cat.
What kind of person would lie about a dead cat? Is that a cat person? How'd she find that out? I don't know.
I didn't tell someone.
Who? Nobody.
I didn't tell.
Oh, hey, Claire's still at work.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe I should Oh, no, come in, wait for her.
Watch a Blu-ray.
Yeah, I don't know.
I've got Top Gun.
Is it amazing? It's like you're inside Tom Cruise.
I don't know why Anita would say that.
It was Dan's cat.
Come down to the bar and I will show you people who can confirm it.
I got to go.
Bye.
Knock, knock.
You can actually knock if you want.
You don't have to do the sound.
Claire, I came in here and asked you to help my friend.
And now I find out you're working for his competitor? Dan.
Yes.
I'm not working very hard.
Sloppy job, really.
You need to rethink this.
Alan Duffy could do a lot for this firm once he becomes mayor.
Well, maybe Dan could do a lot for us once he's mayor.
Yes, but first we'd need to open up a branch in Pretendville.
Here.
The demographics? I thought I had "it.
" And now you have that.
Hey, where would you say Claire is with lying? Oh, she's a terrible liar.
No, I mean, I think I need to come clean with her on something.
Don't do it.
I came clean on this deal I had with the city and I lost a lot of money.
It was a disaster.
But if she ever finds out, she'll be mad.
Yeah, then you definitely shouldn't tell her.
Yeah, I guess.
I don't know, I'm just not-- Whoa, look at that! I know, it's like they're warning you in person.
I know.
Hey, Charlie, where's Dan? Ideally stepping in front of a bus, but I'm not optimistic.
Okay.
Listen we're fighting this rumour that Dan didn't own Mr.
Boots.
I've got TV news coming by.
Do you mind, you guys could just confirm that Mr.
Boots was Dan's? But he wasn't.
What? He was mine.
And his name wasn't Mr.
Boots, it was Goofball.
And he wasn't a he.
He was a she.
Even though Goofball is more of a boy's name.
That was just a little joke she and I shared.
Mr.
Goofball wasn't Dan's cat? Just Goofball.
But he was your cat? She was.
Oh, hey, Claire, there you are.
The cat that was hit by the bus.
Was it yours? Uh, yeah.
(Sighing) Okay, it was Charlie's.
Oh, Dan.
Mike told me not to tell you.
Well, maybe you should marry him.
Ha-ha, yeah.
So, what's next? How're we going to fix this? Oh, wee e not fixing anything.
If you're going to lie to me, I'm sorry I'm out.
I'm going back to Alan's campaign.
No, no, no.
Oh, man.
(Door closing) I'm really going through campaign managers.
(Sighing) Hey, do you want to--? No.
Jeff.
Thank God you came back.
Look, I don't know how you heard, but I need you.
Now, I was wrong to replace you so quick.
You're my guy.
I just came for lunch.
Yeah, and we can do that.
But first, new thing.
And wing Wednesdays have been very successful.
Eight cents a chicken wing, you can't go wrong.
Great, I'm actually here to talk about the cat.
Let me ask you.
Who actually owned the cat? JEFF: Who wants to talk about cats? Have you no shame? I was asked here by his campaign manager.
Oh, I'm his new campaign manager and I And I say, have you no shame? Let me talk.
I can clear this up.
It was Dan's cat.
Mr.
Boots.
We all loved Mr.
Boots.
It was Dan's cat and he was a boy and his name was Mr.
Boots.
And there's plenty of parking, but don't park in front of the dry cleaners across the street, because you will get towed.
Okay, I think we've got what we need.
Let's go get some b-roll.
Hey, I'm sorry about that "have you no shame" stuff.
It wasn't cool.
Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but why'd you save me? There have been enough defenceless creatures crushed this week.
No really.
Because if I told the truth, your campaign would be over.
By lying, I ensure that you'll experience hundreds of embarrassing public mishaps.
I think Goofball would have wanted it that way.
Well, thanks.
So, what's this? You-- You-- You give me the big pep talk and then you sell me out to your aunt? I didn't.
That wasn't very convincing.
Well, that's my problem.
I'm not convincing.
What? She figured it out, all right? I don't have a good poker face.
Great.
Nobody's perfect.
I'm not a good liar; you hurl cats in front of buses.
I didn't hurl it.
Fling, then.
Look, if you don't want things like this to happen, maybe we shouldn't hang around each other.
That was convincing.