Dan Vs. (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Another horrible day made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.
Yuck! Dry, unsatisfying! Take that! Hey! What the Drinking problem much? There wasn't even a verb in that sentence, just a lousy gerund.
Where did that throwing star come from? Oh, well.
At least I still have my cookies.
I can't believe this! NINJA!!! Breakfast time One of the most wonderful times.
Morning, Dan.
- Is it? - Is it morning? I was attacked by a ninja last night.
Make me some pancakes.
- A ninja? - Pancakes! Are you sure it was a ninja? Of course.
He stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.
- Do ninjas do that? - This one did.
How do you know it was a-- He was in pajamas.
I'm in pajamas.
Does that make me a ninja? Not feetie pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus I didn't see him, ergo ninja.
If you didn't see him, how do you know he was in pajamas? Hey, not cool! What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic when what I need is help with a problem! I don't break your plates.
Do I smell pancakes? Almost ready.
I get mine first.
Hi, Dan.
You're up early.
I was attacked by a ninja last night.
He stole my cookies.
I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.
You too? If it wasn't a ninja, where did I get this? My table! Now tell me it's not a ninja.
The Koshugi clan.
But how did they find me? - What was that? - Uh, nothing.
I, um, I have to go.
Dan, we'll help you with your problem.
Finally, a voice of reason.
Why can't you be helpful, like her? - What?! I'm always helping-- - Bup bup bup.
It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here with the doors locked and the shades drawn.
And don't answer the door for anyone.
Did you notice anything strange right there? You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me? No, Elise was acting funny.
I told you not to get married.
And another reason you shouldn't have gotten married-- Can we just drop it? No, this needs to be said.
Your pancakes have suffered.
I'll get it.
- What did I tell you? - Pants first, then shoes! I told you not to get the door.
- But it was you.
- Or so you thought.
Wait.
What? - Nice sword.
- Thank you.
Now take me to where you saw the ninja.
So I'm confused.
As always.
You believe in ninjas now.
What makes you think I didn't believe in them before? Yeah.
You shouldn't assume.
Yet when Dan said he was attacked by a ninja, you were skeptical.
If Dan said he was attacked by a tiger, I'd be skeptical.
Doesn't mean I don't believe in tigers.
Another excellent point.
She's kicking your butt, Chris.
It's not a competition, Dan.
But if it were, she'd be winning.
These tracks indicate a split-toe sock with climbing spikes on the bottom.
Also the throwing star, or shuriken.
Shuriken! I'd say you got yourself a ninja problem.
- I knew it! - Looks like the Koshugi clan.
The whatsa-whosits? A ninja family that has lived in the shadows for centuries.
The story takes place in Japan.
Several hundred years ago, a man named Jiro Koshugi Iived a life of peace.
Jiro was good at two things, hiding and making cookies.
Oh, wait a minute.
This guy doesn't make cookies.
This guy steals cookies.
I'm getting to that.
You may proceed.
During the chaos of the Sengoku period, military conflict between rival factions was constant.
It was in one of these battles that Jiro's cookie shop was burned to the ground.
My-- oh, my cookie shop! Why?! He dedicated his life to revenge.
I guess he's not all bad.
They say he never baked again.
Instead he became the most feared assassin in the land.
He was called Shinobi no mono.
Stop making up words.
It means "one who steals away.
" We call them the ninja.
Soon other dispossessed dessert-makers joined him, and he trained them in the art of ninjutsu.
So why did this guy gank my cookies? I told you.
Jiro stopped making cookies for himself, and his clan followed in his footsteps.
They've taken an oath never to make sweets of their own.
- So they have to steal them? - I'm afraid so.
Man, I hate me some ninjas.
Can I ask a question? If you must.
How do you know so much about this stuff? Uh no reason.
I see a lot of ninja movies.
- And the katana? - It's not actually a katana.
It's a ninjato.
Either way, I've never seen you carry a sword before.
I can carry a sword when I want to.
Yeah, Chris.
Second amendment.
Okay, I'm not saying you can't carry a sword.
I'm just saying it's new behavior.
Combined with the fact that you seem to have knowledge that relates directly to the situation we find ourselves in, I think an explanation is in order.
Wow.
That is the most I've ever heard you say at one time.
That's because you never ask me about my tomato garden.
Well? Okay, you know I had a life before we met, right? - Uh-huh.
- Well, this isn't just any throwing star.
That's right.
It belongs to the Koshugi clan.
See? I listen.
It's the ninja clan I ran afoul of when I lived in Japan.
So this is your fault? My cookies are gone because of you? I don't know.
If they knew where I was, they would have attacked me directly.
Regrettably, you're involved now, and the ninja's next step will likely be to kill you.
Kill me? Over my dead body! Wait.
How did you run afoul of a ninja clan when you were 14? Well, it was a long time ago.
It's a long, long story, and-- I don't want to talk about it.
But I tell you everything about me.
I know.
Enough already.
What's important is we find this ninja and make him buy me more cookies.
- But-- - Dan's right.
We've got to do something about this ninja before he strikes again.
We can't just wait around.
Luckily, I have a plan.
Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy.
What a fortuitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abominable cookies would lead me to you.
Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much.
Who eats cookies made without butter anyway?! Okay, come out and let us take a look.
I don't know about this.
Oh, come on.
He doesn't look like me at all.
Can you slouch a little? And be more handsome.
I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.
We told you.
You're a Dan decoy.
Right, but why? To lure the ninja out of hiding.
When he attacks you-- Okay, there's the part I don't like.
Well, we can't risk me, can we? I'm precious! What, and I'm expendable? Let's just say nonvital.
It's nicer.
No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris.
It's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.
And we're hoping he poisons you instead.
I keep coming back to the whole "not liking this plan at all" thing.
Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan-- maybe his food, maybe something else-- but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully, and you're bigger than Dan.
Because you keep eating.
So if the ninja poisons you instead, you probably won't die.
And you just said, "Probably.
" I'm almost positive.
Oh, she's almost positive@ Quit being a baby! - Please? - All right.
Okay, now act like Dan.
Hey, I'm Dan, and I'm angry, very angry.
- ldiot.
- Dan, shh.
He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair, and sophisticated than that! Yes, Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
I'll have you know I have sophistication - coming out the wazoo! - Yeah, l-- I get mad at everything.
Then I yell a lot.
And I sure don't appreciate my friend Chris.
He's-- ow! Get him! Hey, could I get a little help? I got this dart in my neck.
Flying monkeys? This time of year? Someone call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
Gotcha! Dan? You saved my life! He exploded! We won! He didn't explode.
He escaped.
Well, that's completely unsatisfying.
So I said, "They're not my radishes.
You're the one with your left blinker on.
" Chris? Oh, hey, Glendale.
Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
Sorry.
You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while? Quit complaining, Dan.
Oh, sure, you can say that.
You've got the light end.
Chris doesn't have a light end.
Hold him up so I can open the door.
No problem.
Ohh! Heavy.
- What's this? - What's what? "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu.
" It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us! It's not gibberish.
It's Japanese.
This is a formal challenge.
Like who looks better in evening wear? Like single combat to the death.
A duel will settle things once and for all.
If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone.
If I lose, I'll be dead.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Help me get Chris inside.
Where's Chris? Bushes.
Onto the couch, one, two, three! Hey, take it easy.
So when do we leave? We? It's single combat, one-on-one.
- I'll just watch.
- No, it's a sacred ritual.
No one's allowed to spectate.
Could someone bring me some water? - Where is it? - It's secret.
You can't come.
If you win, I get my cookies back, right? I'm pretty sure your cookies are gone.
They've most likely been eaten.
By ninjas? Yes, Dan.
But that's not fair! Oh, my head.
The Koshugi clan doesn't play fair.
They're ninjas, assassins, spies.
- And cookie thieves? - Yes.
I hope you kill that guy.
I will, or die trying.
Either way.
I just don't understand what your blood feud has to do with my cookies.
Nothing.
The ninja was just stealing your cookies to eat them, but when I showed up, the feud was rekindled.
Of course, since you were already in the middle, you became a target.
So if you die, will they still come after me? Yes.
I already told you you're involved now, and if I die, I can only assume you'll be next, then probably Chris.
Well, then I would appreciate, as a favor to me, that you not die.
Okay, Dan, for you.
Hey, it's not just about me.
As long as that ninja's alive, no one's cookies are safe, including mine.
Wait.
What's this about combat? Never mind.
Just get some rest.
Where am l? Uhh.
- Will you stay here with Chris? - Of course.
Eat anything you want in the fridge! Hey, Chris.
Open wide! Here's a nice pastrami sandwich for you.
Stop it! Hey, where did Elise go? Shut up.
Where are you going? Out.
Can you bring me some water? I'm just so thirsty.
Sir, it is illegal to dial 911 with a nonemergency.
It feels like an emergency.
Plus there's still all those flying monkeys.
Sir, unless the flying monkeys are physically attacking you-- And I've been poisoned.
Poisoned? Well, that is an emergency, sir.
Oh, good! Have them bring water.
Paramedics are on the way.
Hey, guys! Yep.
He's been poisoned, all right.
Clear! What did you do that for? I just said he was poisoned! I don't know! I panicked! Great, rookie.
Now he's poisoned and unconscious.
I said I was sorry.
You know, I don't think you did.
Very sneaky.
Whew.
That was close.
Wow.
That was almost dangerous.
Where could she have gone? So much walking! Oh, hey, that was so not fair! Fair? You're a ninja! Finish him.
All right, all right.
Hang on.
You win.
You surrender? Yeah, totally.
Aw, you said to the death! That's true.
It's on the scroll you sent.
Dude, seriously, come on! You be quiet, cookie thief! I'd like to spare your life.
Awesome! You should! But how can I be sure your clan will leave me alone? Because I'm the whole clan.
How could that be? There were 15 or so of you.
Yeah, that.
Well, it was the annual Koshugi clan barbecue and training retreat on Mount Fuji.
I couldn't make it because I had a wicked case of head lice and they didn't want me giving it to everybody.
Anyway We are the ninjas, mighty, mighty ninjas Wherever we go, people want to know Who we are, so we tell them We are the ninjas, the mighty, mighty ninjas Wherever we go, people want to know Who we are - * So we tell them-- * - Aah! An entire clan of ninja wiped out just because they were too cheap to rent a bus with antilock brakes.
Ninjas.
As assassins, they're unparalleled, but they've always skimped on rental transportation.
Are we going to kill him or what? What's with this guy? He's still mad about his cookies.
Dude, there's got to be something we can work out.
Maybe there is.
Wow.
I swore I'd never do this.
Guess I'm not a ninja anymore.
We've all had to give up that dream at some point.
- What will you do now? - Don't know.
I saved up some of my ninja money.
I saved up some of my ninja money.
Plus there was a pretty big insurance settlement when my clan was wiped out.
I think I might open a business.
Cookies! Now! These are good.
Where have you been? Hospital.
Hey, do I smell cookies? - Mine! - Dan, let him have a cookie.
Fine.
Bet you're not so tough without that sword.
- Who's this? - He's the ninja.
Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.
Former ninja.
You can call me Dave.
Oh.
Hi, Dave.
I'm glad we didn't kill Ninja Dave.
Hey, hey, me too! On the house.
Cheers, guys.
Ah, the sweet taste of revenge and chocolate chips.
Just kidding!