Death Comes to Town (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Narrator: Previously on "Death Comes to Town": Welcome back, sir.
Ahh! Ricky: Didn't you hear? Coach Bowman's dead.
Marnie: Maybe we can go to the funeral together.
(Sing song) Look what I brought you.
Ricky: Coach Bowman wouldn't want me at his funeral after what I kinda, sorta did.
Oh Larry.
Why did I never tell you how I truly felt when I had the chance.
I didn't do nothin' that I can remember Parker: Oh.
Death: Come on, Shuckton, give me another one of your shitty little souls, so I can leave this hick town.
Confess! No! Hey! Leave the little guy alone.
Then confess.
No! Ahhh! Ow! This isn't working.
Yeah.
Come on, Crim.
It's pretty obvious you did it.
I see what's happening here, white man! It's always the one-16th Indian, eh? Don't play the race card with us, Crim.
It's because of your extensive rap sheet.
Come on: Shoplifting, breaking and entering and falling asleep.
Kidnapping a vending machine? (Chuckles dopily) Fried chicken prostitute? Oh geez Love chicken.
Grand theft Zamboni? Woo hoo! (Laughs) Officers: Stop! What're you doing? Yeah? So what?! All of it harmless pranks.
None of it points to murder.
Then how come you had the Mayor's blood on your hands? Maybe he lent it to me! Oh We've got all we need.
Oh, we got him.
I wanna do it.
No, I want to do it.
Oh come on, it's my turn.
Officer: Fine, we'll do it together.
Parker: All right.
Both: (In unison) Crim Hollingsworth, you're under arrest for the murder of Mayor Bowman! All right, let's bring in the press for the photo op! Come on in.
Press: (Frenzied chatter) No! Too light Children, today Mr.
Dusty Diamond is going to perform an autopsy! Mm-hm.
Miss Vachon: Isn't this the best fieldtrip ever? (Dusty chuckles, children groan) Thank you, miss Vachon.
Now, let's start with the most obvious question.
Have any of you children ever seen a dead body before? Children: (Eager grunts) Ooh, ooh, ooh! Really? Uh well, let's divide it into sub-categories then.
Anybody ever seen a drowned body? Children: (Eager grunts) Mm! Oh! Ooh! Interesting.
Um, how about a gunshot victim? Children: (Eager gasps) Me.
(Sighs) What am I missing in this town? Well, today we're going to be looking at a bludgeoned body.
I've seen one! We're done with that.
Boy: (Stifled snicker) Dusty: Now, bludgeoning is one of the most grizzly ways for a human being to die Especially when that human being happens to be our beloved Mayor, Larry Bowman.
Children: (Gasp) Whoa (Gasps and sobs) Oh, kids, go comfort him.
Dusty: (Sobbing) I can't I can't do this (Kids comfort dusty) It's okay.
There, there.
I'll do it.
(Gasps) Give me that! Now get out! Children, get out of here! Get out.
Miss Vachon: Stick together.
Dusty: Hideous children.
Miss Vachon: Stick together.
(Exhales emotionally) (TV plays, Ricky murmurs) Ah Ahh Yaaagh! (Struggling grunts) I don't think I like this game anymore, Ricky.
It's not a game, Marnie.
I'm trying to figure out what happened at the crime scene.
We know what happened at the crime scene a crime! Ricky: Come on! Let's try it again from the other angle.
All right I'll do one more angle.
Aaahhhh! Ricky: Aagghhh! Marnie: Ohhh! Oh! (Stumbling grunts) That's too easy! Are you even trying?! Marnie: (Struggling grunts) This is ridiculous.
Shouldn't we leave this to the police? I mean, after all, they've arrested Crim.
Isn't it kind of obvious I sort of know exactly what I'm doing? I don't know.
I guess so.
Come on! Try it again from the other vector.
I truly, madly, deeply would rather not.
Come on, Marnie.
How am I gonna figure out this murder without some field work? Use your head! Look, Ricky, if you really wanna figure out who killed the Mayor, why don't you get off your double-wide patootie, go outside and do it yourself! Well, maybe I will.
Yes, but maybe you won't.
I'm tired of coming over here and watching you watch TV.
Oh.
Just go then! I've got plenty of other friends.
Marnie: I will go then.
You know why? I can actually fit through the door.
I'm fitting through the door now It's very easy for me.
I am a door fitter! News anchor: It's just cold blooded murder.
Marnie: Aaaaahhhhh! Ricky: Aaaaggghhh! (Grunts and gasps) Maybe the murderer came from that way.
Good thinking, Marnie.
I think we may have solved it, Ricky.
(Battery charge crackles, Rampop grunts) Okay So what are we thinking about for flowers for the funeral? I'd like to do something unconventional.
How about moss? Moss? What a good idea.
Moss, yes.
Maybe throw in some weeds.
Rampop, that's for mommy's hand radio kit.
Don't play with that.
Okay, how about the coffin? Oh, you know, whatever's cheapest.
You know, laminate, corrugated cardboard Birch bark Birch bark? Uh huh.
I'll source some.
Can you tell me when the deceased was born? Oh that Larry with all his secrets? Who the hell knows.
Can we just say sometime in the '50s? I always had a thing for '57.
Sold.
(Nervous laugh) Mmm I know everything you're thinking about right now.
Oh I think that Is very unlikely.
Hi, Marilyn.
I'm your grief counsellor.
I also work part-time as a clown on stilts, and both jobs are challenging Though this one's more rewarding.
And not just because it pays better Though it pays a lot better.
I can feel that you are filled With pain.
Uh, yeah.
Pain and tequila.
Marilyn, there are several stages of grief.
Right now you are grief drunk.
Oh no.
I might have a little bit of a grief buzz.
I mean I might admit to feeling grief happy.
But drunk? I don't think so.
The other stages are sure to follow.
They include sleeping with cowards, buying things and shooting them.
And of course Public nudity.
I guess stages are good.
I mean I wouldn't wanna get into a grief rut, now would I? (Chuckles) Marilyn, I know exactly what you're going through.
I myself, in grade 4, once placed third in a spelling bee.
So, I think I know what it's like to have a husband bludgeoned to death.
But I know from experience that you have to work through your grief.
Oh you said it, sister.
(Lid pops, clatters on counter and alcohol sloshes) That's the spirit.
Get rid of all your crutches, Marilyn.
You go, girl! (Garbage disposal whirs) (Laughs) Crutches be gone! (Alcohol splashes) Frozen Margarita? (Exhales) (News theme music plays) I'm Corrinda Gablechuck, reporting live from the Shuckton cemetery and petting zoo.
But sadly, we're not here today to pet a turtle, or to dunk a duck.
No, though we wish it were otherwise, we're here today for the funeral Ohhh Oh! (Pained whimpers) You okay? (Whimpers) Yeah.
Levon: Shaye.
Shaye: Oh my God! Corrinda: Oh, Shaye.
Mic's dirty! Heather: Oh my God, Corrinda, you poor thing! Let me help you out.
Aaaggghhh! Heather: Oh, good for you.
What a sport! Corrinda: Ow! Yeah.
Oh Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh corrinda, I was wondering if you'd like me to cover for you.
Why? Oh well, it's just that I've noticed that you've been sick an awful lot.
What? In the morning.
What do you mean? Sort of a constant sickness.
What?! In the morning.
Oh go on.
Yeah, kind of a Morning sickness.
Oh Mmm Oh.
Oh (Moans in pleasure) (Moans loudly) Oh my God.
I'm as wet as a lake.
Do you have a condom? Sure.
Oh, great.
(Intense music plays) Shower cap? (Capo rustles) Mm.
(Gasps) I'm preggers.
Oh! I would so take some time off, or totally quit! Heather? Yes? You cannot tell anyone about this Until I've figured it out.
Do you promise? Oh, I promise.
Corrinda, I can't see myself telling ev anyone.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
(Inhales and sighs) Come on Let it be Ricky this time.
Ricky (Grumbles, annoyed) (Country music plays) (Charging grunt) (Growls) (Camera timer beeps) (Timer beeps rapidly) (Pleased grunt) (Country music continues) Agh! (Growls) I'm so bored! (Broom swishes) Hotel manager: (Whistles nonchalantly) Drifter: (Lightly clears throat) Executor: I know these are very sad days for all of us.
I swear I'm as sad as any of you.
I just don't show my emotions.
It's true.
Actually, in law school, they used to call me Mr.
Spock.
Which is funny actually, because I sat next to a guy named Scotty.
So that's good.
All right, on to the reading of the will.
Uh, Mayor Bowman made a recording of himself reading the will and he requested that it be played back to you.
(Groans and murmurs) (Whistles) Huh Huh (Murmurs) (Ice cubes clink) Executor: Anyway, the will describes how the money is divided up.
We'll get to that very shortly.
But first of all, uh, Rampop? As you know, you are his very special son and he wants you to have his butterfly collection, which you've always been so delighted by.
Now, the most important part of the will would be item 14a.
I will read that to you.
"In the event of my death," I officially decree that my wife, Marilyn, "become the new Mayor of Shuckton.
" So congratulations, Marilyn.
It looks like you're the new Mayor.
(Laughs) Well, I guess my plan worked, huh? Oh come on, it's obviously a joke.
Yeah, I murdered the Mayor.
(Chuckling) (Laughing) Oh Drifter: I'm bored.
Is there anything to do in this town, like I don't know, fire museum? No, the fire museum burnt down.
Yeah, okay.
Perhaps you're thinking of something more adult? No, no.
More racy? Oh no, no.
You've got the wrong guy.
Wrong guy.
Sir, it's not my job to judge.
It's my job just to help you find something to do in town.
Hmm Okay, I've got a friend.
Course you do.
And, uh, he's into easy-to-get drunk Chubby chicks.
And so he should.
Truth be told, he's got a thing for redheads.
(Snorted breath) So if he wanted to go see some of those where would you suggest? That would be the c minus.
No! No! No way! No! No, not that place.
No, I'm a pro, not a ho, okay? You got the wrong guy.
So that would be just right there.
(Groans and grumbles) (Inhales) Hmm (Slurps and smacks lips) Mm I'll tell him.
Mm, okay.
(Classical music plays, hum of chatter) Man: Well, ah goodbye and ah Thank you for all the help with the Rotary club.
(Hum of chatter) You know, actually I think you could've done a little bit more with the Rotary club.
The politics are tearing apart what used to be a top notch organization.
(Bucket rattles lightly) (Corn patters onto Bowman) Councillor: No, no, little man, no, no.
I'm sure this was your daddy's favourite food, but he won't need corn on the cob below the ground Though I could use some for my barbecue this afternoon.
Hey, grief guy.
Oh, kids.
I sense anger, Marilyn.
Do you? And if you don't let that anger out, you are going to explode.
I guess I have been bottling up a lot of emotion inside me.
(No emotion) Why, Larry? Why? Why did you leave me, Larry? Why? Don't be afraid of your anger, Marilyn.
Embrace it! Okay.
Heh.
Why Larry?! Yes.
Why? Why-why-why-why- why-why-why, Larry? Why?! Why-why-why, Larry?! Yes.
Good.
Marilyn: Why?! Why-why-why, Larry?! Why?! Why, Larry?! Councillor: No, it's a good thing.
Huh?! Why, Larry?! What am I supposed to do now, huh? It would be good for the whole community to let their grief out.
All right, everybody.
Everybody form a line and beat up the dead Mayor.
He deserves it! He dismantled the rotary club! Marilyn: Why, Larry? Marilyn! Marilyn! Stop! Get out of the way! All of you out! Marilyn, Marilyn! Oh Marilyn, please.
Marilyn, please.
You need to smarten up! Dusty: What are you doing? Get out, you Go back to your pig slum.
Peasants! Marilyn: Wooo! Oh Larry, I'm so sorry.
I promise this will never happen again.
Never.
Never.
I got a new girl now Ach! I got a new girl now I got a new girl now and she's a lot like you Bartender: Hey! Don't I know you? I used to come in here a bit.
Yeah, I never forget a drink.
Rum and root beer, right? Wrong.
Tequila and Bailey's.
No.
Uh vodka and cream.
No! Owl's blood.
What?! (Chuckling nervously) We don't have owl's blood.
Sure you do.
Right, you're the owl's blood guy.
Yeah.
You want a shot? Mmmm Mmm No, I'm workin'.
Water.
Heh, yeah, it all comes back to me.
You had a thing for redheads, didn't ya? No.
Yes you did.
Maybe.
(Chuckles) Say, I thought you said you were headed for the big-time.
(Alarm beeps, death snores) (Waking grunts) Doc Porterhouse's? I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! Doc porterhouse: Well, will you look at that.
Shit! I missed it.
It's a miracle.
(Crackling and fizzling) (Stammers) I One mistake.
I coulda beat it.
Ah sure I can't give you a shot? No.
(Gurgles) (Exhales forcefully, snorts and grunts) Nothin'.
Okay well, ah (Redhead titters) I'll take that shot.
Gordie: We're gathered here today to say farewell to Mayor Larry Bowman.
I'm prabbi Gordie Goldstein Murphy half priest, half rabbi.
And after the ceremony, please don't ask me which religion I prefer.
(Polite chuckling) Shuckton, murder can change a town.
Luckily, we have a new Mayor and she'll see us through these very dark days.
(Coughs) Yes yes! People of Shuckton, I am excited to be your new Mayor, although obviously personally saddened by the circumstances.
And I think I will be a great Mayor.
Why, my name Marilyn actually begins with the word "mayor.
" Mayorlyn Mayorlyn Bowman, at your service.
(Mumbles) Oh.
Continue.
Pallbearers please.
Oh, this is, this is This is ironic.
'Cause see, in life, Larry loved to be carried around by people.
Maybe it's all the working out I've been doing.
But this feels pretty light.
Mm-HM.
Dusty: That was a narrow escape.
You were so brave today.
You deserve this.
Just say when.
(Alcohol sloshes) Just say when, Larry.
Come on.
(Laughs) Larry, you old dog.
You'll never change, eh? Oh, Larry Hmm.
How could something so wrong feel so right? Hm? You're right.
It's too soon.
I suppose it's just nice to be here together.
Two gentlemen of leisure with their snifters of top quality Brandy.
I wonder if we were missed at the funeral, HM? (Laughs) You can say that again.
Oh yes you can.
Woman: (Sniffles and whimpers) So tragic.
Yours won't be.
Uhn.
Death: (Grumbles) (Gasps happily) Hm? Rampop: Hi, dad.
Death: What? Can you see me? Rampop: Yes.
Death: Oh.
Well, sorry about your dad.
Just doing my job.
Rampop: He was a bastard.
He deserved to die.
Yeah.
Corrinda: But sadly, we're not here today So, a killer lives amongst us, Shuckton.
Who could it be? It could be anyone of these people.
It could be you, the tipsy widow.
Or you, the loving son.
Or Hey, who's that? Who's that?! Ah! Death: Hey, fat boy, did you get the pizzas? (Frightened whimpers) Ahhh! Oh! (Whimpers) What just happened?!