Decoys (2020) s01e03 Episode Script
Float Check
1
So this is Regus.
He had a torrid
love affair with Cecilia.
But don't tell Jeanine, 'cause
she doesn't know yet.
Um, I know what you're thinking.
These two ducks, a mallard and a
blue bill.
Yeah, the sex was crazy.
Lonely?
Uh, no, no. Not at all.
To be honest, someone else
around here would really just
you know, get in the way.
This is Lois. She's deeply
entrenched in a pyramid scheme.
So yeah, I just, uh I really,
honestly, I got things
set up pretty much exactly the
way I want them.
Just by myself.
♪
Registration packet for the
competition
is usually here by now.
It's got to arrive today!
I'm not gonna get screwed by a
technicality.
It's not exactly rocket science,
organizing a carving
competition.
About damn time.
What?
God damn it!
There's something fishy
going on.
And I'm going to get to the
bottom of it.
No one jerks around Frank
Brunswick.
♪
So, how's she float?
Float?
Yeah, how's she sit in
the water?
- It has to float?
- Yes, it has to float.
I didn't think it needed
to do that.
"Floating decorative." What did
you think it meant?
To be honest, the rule book is
pretty dense.
I didn't really read it.
Well, loons are special, because
unlike ducks,
their bones are solid,
not hollow.
So they always sit a little
lower in the water.
Getting that precise,
that's a challenge.
I don't know, Rhett. That sounds
like a lot more work.
I think I bit off more than I
can chew.
Hey. Don't sweat it.
Sometimes you get lucky
and they sit low enough in the
water straight away.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, she's a beaut.
Are you wearing a denim shirt,
and a denim jacket,
and a denim kerchief?
That's a lot of denim, honey.
The judges care about
presentation.
I think you're probably
overthinking this.
My name is Amandeep Singh, and I
present to you, the judges.
I'm judging.
The blue bill.
Tah-dah!
Why why isn't he it yellow?
Yellow?
Huh? Like a bath time ducky
ducky?
It is not that kind of "quack
quack" ducky ducky, man!
That's all it is?
Not by a longshot.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the blue bill.
Oh
Is it supposed to do that?
- Oh no.
- It looks sick.
No no, my life is over.
Amu, no.
It's supposed to float!
Aw, don't worry so much, hm?
I'm sure you can put some little
duck floaters on it,
- you know? Like those
- What?
Wrap it in a noodle.
100%?
This is critical to our event.
Great, thank you very much for
your professionalism, Griffin.
And that is a green light on
using their kitchenette!
Boy, that could have
gotten ugly.
Oh, tell me about it!
You know, sometimes I think it
would be easier
to put a man on the moon than to
organize this competition.
Amen.
Oh.
Oh, Frank?
Great to see you unannounced.
Save it. What are you playing
at, Barb?
- Pardon me?
- I haven't received
my registration packet in the
mail yet!
I don't much appreciate this
cloak and dagger act.
What's going on?
Oh, Frank, no. We've gone online
this year. We're paperless.
Where's your phone?
My phone?
My phone's at my house, plugged
into the wall.
Right.
Well, uh, why don't you
come on in
and I'll show you how to
register.
Well, it's the least you could
do, I think.
Nice to see you, Frank.
Yeah.
Here's my tablet.
You can take a look at that if
you want.
Who are you?
No!
♪
Who are you?!
A merganser?
A pintail?!
American wigeon?
Canvasback?!
A Northern shoveler?
Show yourself!
♪
Everything okay in here?
Got a, uh, noise complaint.
No, everything's not okay,
officer.
I have
Carver's block.
You try yelling at it?
- In the tub!
- Whoa, Rhett!
Float, check. Sorry, Marge.
There's nothing in there I
haven't seen before.
I got this, okay. Let me
handle it.
Uh, babe, we are just wondering
if you might see where
the water line is when it
floats.
- Are you serious?
- Very.
Rhett, Rhett
Babe?
Barely breaks the
surface.
Thank you, useful information.
Did I, uh, mention you're
beautiful?
What kind of a duck sinks?
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
There is so much of this crap.
Just to make it edible, you have
to add a lot of spices.
But he insists on eating
Canadian cuisine
when he's in training.
I just want to get rid of it.
You can still see it, can't you?
I'll have to bury it.
Skipping straight ahead to our
golden years
is not what I had in mind.
He acts like a retiree and he's
not even thirty.
Is that healthy?
No he doesn't engage
with the world.
Certainly not our relationship.
No.
You know, I will tell you
this much.
I am not going to that
competition.
Not hungry.
You have to eat something, hm?
You've been carving all day.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
It's fusion.
The best of both worlds.
Fusion.
Hey, can you get me some
chutney?
Look right next to you.
Oh, she's right.
At least get me a spoon.
Carve on!
♪
If you give me just one
more duck,
I swear I'll never carve
another again.
I swear. Just one more
work of art.
And then I'll turn to wooden
spoons,
or cottage signs.
Or even pen turning.
♪
Oh, that wasn't right.
Neither is that.
God
What? Hey, where'd it all go?
You swiped to the next window,
just swipe back.
How do you swipe?!
You know, Frank, I don't mind
typing it for you.
I can actually easily do it
myself.
And have you steal my identity?
No thank you, Barb.
Hey, it's all typed in.
All right! So now you just
press submit
Are you sure this is all okay?
Yes, Frank. I'm certain.
Okay.
Hah! Done.
Well then, congratulations,
Frank Brunswick!
You are now officially
registered for the Northern
Don't patronize me with your
carnival barker routine, Dennis.
Okay, sorry.
The Falcated duck.
Indigenous to the land of the
five rivers, Punjab.
Just like your boy.
A Punjabi bird.
Actually, a very handsome
Punjabi bird
made into a Canadian art form.
The best of both worlds.
Fusion!
Fusion, fusion, fusion.
All my idea.
Of course I knew what I was
doing.
The other duck was boring
as hell.
This is my competition bird
this year.
Her name is Mary Sue.
She's my best work yet.
Shh, yeah. That's okay.
My name is Mary Sue. I'm just a
good old-fashioned duck.
My idea of a perfect time is a
stranger on a park bench
with a loaf of bread and some
time to kill.
People ask me all the time if
I'm lonely.
I have plenty of friends, but
It would be nice sometimes to
meet that one special friend
who you want to spend all your
time with,
before it's too late.
She's a real gas, isn't she?
Oh
Yo, I'm madder than cray ♪
I caught my tongue, I flatter
your brain ♪
No matter the range ♪
I break your dollars
into loose change ♪
You're rhyming two planes like
I rhyme with two brains ♪
I got everybody saying my shit
like I was new slang ♪
The empire come with new
things for you to palm ♪
Like a 12-gauge we be killing
you chumps ♪
For your skull,
full of lumps ♪
When the song 'bout to
approach ya ♪
Protect his own proper ♪
Steal the show like the
Phantom of the Opera ♪
Order two vodkas to get my
head spinning ♪
Like propellers on
helicopters ♪
Fuck the coppers, no, the pigs
will never catch me ♪
After I paid off the sheriff
and the deputy ♪
You might get spotted if you
stand next to me ♪
And try to rock it ♪
You're only holding pebbles
in your pockets ♪
Throwing foreign objects at
your self-appointed prophets ♪
So this is Regus.
He had a torrid
love affair with Cecilia.
But don't tell Jeanine, 'cause
she doesn't know yet.
Um, I know what you're thinking.
These two ducks, a mallard and a
blue bill.
Yeah, the sex was crazy.
Lonely?
Uh, no, no. Not at all.
To be honest, someone else
around here would really just
you know, get in the way.
This is Lois. She's deeply
entrenched in a pyramid scheme.
So yeah, I just, uh I really,
honestly, I got things
set up pretty much exactly the
way I want them.
Just by myself.
♪
Registration packet for the
competition
is usually here by now.
It's got to arrive today!
I'm not gonna get screwed by a
technicality.
It's not exactly rocket science,
organizing a carving
competition.
About damn time.
What?
God damn it!
There's something fishy
going on.
And I'm going to get to the
bottom of it.
No one jerks around Frank
Brunswick.
♪
So, how's she float?
Float?
Yeah, how's she sit in
the water?
- It has to float?
- Yes, it has to float.
I didn't think it needed
to do that.
"Floating decorative." What did
you think it meant?
To be honest, the rule book is
pretty dense.
I didn't really read it.
Well, loons are special, because
unlike ducks,
their bones are solid,
not hollow.
So they always sit a little
lower in the water.
Getting that precise,
that's a challenge.
I don't know, Rhett. That sounds
like a lot more work.
I think I bit off more than I
can chew.
Hey. Don't sweat it.
Sometimes you get lucky
and they sit low enough in the
water straight away.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, she's a beaut.
Are you wearing a denim shirt,
and a denim jacket,
and a denim kerchief?
That's a lot of denim, honey.
The judges care about
presentation.
I think you're probably
overthinking this.
My name is Amandeep Singh, and I
present to you, the judges.
I'm judging.
The blue bill.
Tah-dah!
Why why isn't he it yellow?
Yellow?
Huh? Like a bath time ducky
ducky?
It is not that kind of "quack
quack" ducky ducky, man!
That's all it is?
Not by a longshot.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the blue bill.
Oh
Is it supposed to do that?
- Oh no.
- It looks sick.
No no, my life is over.
Amu, no.
It's supposed to float!
Aw, don't worry so much, hm?
I'm sure you can put some little
duck floaters on it,
- you know? Like those
- What?
Wrap it in a noodle.
100%?
This is critical to our event.
Great, thank you very much for
your professionalism, Griffin.
And that is a green light on
using their kitchenette!
Boy, that could have
gotten ugly.
Oh, tell me about it!
You know, sometimes I think it
would be easier
to put a man on the moon than to
organize this competition.
Amen.
Oh.
Oh, Frank?
Great to see you unannounced.
Save it. What are you playing
at, Barb?
- Pardon me?
- I haven't received
my registration packet in the
mail yet!
I don't much appreciate this
cloak and dagger act.
What's going on?
Oh, Frank, no. We've gone online
this year. We're paperless.
Where's your phone?
My phone?
My phone's at my house, plugged
into the wall.
Right.
Well, uh, why don't you
come on in
and I'll show you how to
register.
Well, it's the least you could
do, I think.
Nice to see you, Frank.
Yeah.
Here's my tablet.
You can take a look at that if
you want.
Who are you?
No!
♪
Who are you?!
A merganser?
A pintail?!
American wigeon?
Canvasback?!
A Northern shoveler?
Show yourself!
♪
Everything okay in here?
Got a, uh, noise complaint.
No, everything's not okay,
officer.
I have
Carver's block.
You try yelling at it?
- In the tub!
- Whoa, Rhett!
Float, check. Sorry, Marge.
There's nothing in there I
haven't seen before.
I got this, okay. Let me
handle it.
Uh, babe, we are just wondering
if you might see where
the water line is when it
floats.
- Are you serious?
- Very.
Rhett, Rhett
Babe?
Barely breaks the
surface.
Thank you, useful information.
Did I, uh, mention you're
beautiful?
What kind of a duck sinks?
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
There is so much of this crap.
Just to make it edible, you have
to add a lot of spices.
But he insists on eating
Canadian cuisine
when he's in training.
I just want to get rid of it.
You can still see it, can't you?
I'll have to bury it.
Skipping straight ahead to our
golden years
is not what I had in mind.
He acts like a retiree and he's
not even thirty.
Is that healthy?
No he doesn't engage
with the world.
Certainly not our relationship.
No.
You know, I will tell you
this much.
I am not going to that
competition.
Not hungry.
You have to eat something, hm?
You've been carving all day.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
It's fusion.
The best of both worlds.
Fusion.
Hey, can you get me some
chutney?
Look right next to you.
Oh, she's right.
At least get me a spoon.
Carve on!
♪
If you give me just one
more duck,
I swear I'll never carve
another again.
I swear. Just one more
work of art.
And then I'll turn to wooden
spoons,
or cottage signs.
Or even pen turning.
♪
Oh, that wasn't right.
Neither is that.
God
What? Hey, where'd it all go?
You swiped to the next window,
just swipe back.
How do you swipe?!
You know, Frank, I don't mind
typing it for you.
I can actually easily do it
myself.
And have you steal my identity?
No thank you, Barb.
Hey, it's all typed in.
All right! So now you just
press submit
Are you sure this is all okay?
Yes, Frank. I'm certain.
Okay.
Hah! Done.
Well then, congratulations,
Frank Brunswick!
You are now officially
registered for the Northern
Don't patronize me with your
carnival barker routine, Dennis.
Okay, sorry.
The Falcated duck.
Indigenous to the land of the
five rivers, Punjab.
Just like your boy.
A Punjabi bird.
Actually, a very handsome
Punjabi bird
made into a Canadian art form.
The best of both worlds.
Fusion!
Fusion, fusion, fusion.
All my idea.
Of course I knew what I was
doing.
The other duck was boring
as hell.
This is my competition bird
this year.
Her name is Mary Sue.
She's my best work yet.
Shh, yeah. That's okay.
My name is Mary Sue. I'm just a
good old-fashioned duck.
My idea of a perfect time is a
stranger on a park bench
with a loaf of bread and some
time to kill.
People ask me all the time if
I'm lonely.
I have plenty of friends, but
It would be nice sometimes to
meet that one special friend
who you want to spend all your
time with,
before it's too late.
She's a real gas, isn't she?
Oh
Yo, I'm madder than cray ♪
I caught my tongue, I flatter
your brain ♪
No matter the range ♪
I break your dollars
into loose change ♪
You're rhyming two planes like
I rhyme with two brains ♪
I got everybody saying my shit
like I was new slang ♪
The empire come with new
things for you to palm ♪
Like a 12-gauge we be killing
you chumps ♪
For your skull,
full of lumps ♪
When the song 'bout to
approach ya ♪
Protect his own proper ♪
Steal the show like the
Phantom of the Opera ♪
Order two vodkas to get my
head spinning ♪
Like propellers on
helicopters ♪
Fuck the coppers, no, the pigs
will never catch me ♪
After I paid off the sheriff
and the deputy ♪
You might get spotted if you
stand next to me ♪
And try to rock it ♪
You're only holding pebbles
in your pockets ♪
Throwing foreign objects at
your self-appointed prophets ♪