Derry Girls (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 I just can't get my head around it.
The fact that he's gone.
Forever.
It's so sad, it really is, it is so, so sad, but at the same time, you know, what's done is done, so let's crack on.
Oh, I'm sorry, Claire, has his sudden, tragic death interrupted your studies? It has a bit, actually, yeah.
- How can you be so heartless? - Don't cry Erin, he's in a better place now.
Unless he's not, you know, unless he's gone to hell.
Can we please talk about something else? I'm half torn, this is wrecking my head.
- What? Have you been drinking? - Yes, I have.
And for future reference, if any of you invite me to a study sleepover again and I'm desperate enough to accept that invitation, there's a good chance I have a litre bottle of Pernod in my bag.
I shouldn't even have to sit the exam.
On, you know, compassionate grounds.
He was a dog, Erin! Toto was much more than a dog! Toto was my best friend! Christ, I feel a bit boak-y.
Sweet sufferin' Jesus, it's the morning already! What are we going to do? Well maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.
Calm down? We're still on William of Orange, Michelle, we haven't so much looked at the famine! We've got the gist, they ran out of spuds, everyone was ragin'.
Well, I can't tell my rebellions from my risings.
And who's fault's that? If your lot had stopped invading us for five fucking minutes there'd be a lot less to wade through! English prick.
Nothin's going in.
Nothin' is going in, and every time I try to make notes it What's happening to me? There's quite a lot of caffeine in those, Claire.
How many of them have you had? I don't know.
Five? 23? We are all so fucked.
Now, more bacon, anyone? Not a sausage? Wee omelette, maybe? Anything at all? It's absolutely no bother.
- I'll have a cup of tea, So Joe.
- Make your own tea! Yeah, I'll do that.
- You stay over too, son? - Yes, I did, that's correct, sir.
What, in your room? Have you nothing to say about this, you slack southern shite? - Look, love, I know the fella's gay - I'm not gay.
- Gay or not - Who said I was gay? - .
.
he's still a fella.
There's still a good chance that he's a rapist.
I mean no offence, son.
- Well, that's that done.
- God rest his wee soul.
Don't talk to me.
I was in bits las tonight.
Didn't even manage my Chinese.
Poor Tonto.
Toto.
His name was Toto, Aunt Sarah.
Aye.
Nightmare, so it is.
Dad, do us a bacon butty, would you? My stomach thinks my throat's cut here.
- Sure, love.
- Jesus, the pets are getting it left, right and centre at the minute.
Maureen Malachy's Tigger just passed away.
We do not utter that woman's name in this house.
- Da, not the bingo thing, still! - She's a cheating old bitch! How can you cheat at bingo, Granda? Her nephew brought her this pen back from New Jersey, it changes the numbers.
I'm telling ya! It's witchcraft, Mary! I'll hear no more about the magic pen! Now, come on, girls, eat up, you'll need all your energy for the big exam.
We'll need a miracle for the big exam! Mammy what happened to Toto .
.
it's just hit me so hard.
And I'm worried it might affect my performance.
Oh, come here, love.
Look, if you fail the exam, I promise you, there'll be a nice wee plot out there with your name on it.
It's abuse.
That's what it is, it's abuse.
- Does anybody have 10p? I'm ringin' ChildLine.
- You can't ring ChildLine every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.
Yeah, you can't waste Esther's time like that.
And, anyway, you're not alone.
We're all going to fail.
We're all going to get our holes kicked and we're all in the same boat.
I don't want to be in that boat! I want to be in a different boat, sailing down a totally different river! Guys, all we can do is try our best.
Ach, don't be such a fruit, James! Oh, my God! Look! Doesn't that dog look like Toto? I suppose it does a bit, yeah? Looks exactly like him.
Here, boy! Come here, boy! Here, boy, come here, boy! Here, boy, come here! Here, boy! Here, boy! - What are we doing? - I dunno, I'm still pished.
- We're gonna be late, Erin! - But it's freaky! Don't you think it's so freaky? No! It's just a dog that looks a bit like another dog! Quick! Come on! - Where did he go? - I don't really give a flying fuck.
Listen, you! Yes, Mrs Malachy? You give that grandfather of yours a message from me.
You tell him to keep his bloody mouth shut about my pen! OK! And I want my baking tray back! Of course.
Trying to butter up the big woman.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, - blessed art thou - Oh, now you'll definitely pass! It's worth a try! I'm not gonna bother with any "never sin again" material, cos let's face it, we've been there before.
You know it's balls, I know it's balls.
- Oh, my God! - What is it? She She I saw with my own eyes! Saw what? She smirked! - Who? Big M? - Aye.
She just smirked at me.
- Are you sure you didn't just - Jesus, me too! She just smirked at me, too! Why isn't she smirking at me? - She isn't smirking at anyone, James.
- I just saw it, too! The holy smirk, thanks be to God! - You're imagining it.
- Three of us saw it, Erin, how do you explain that? Sleep deprivation, Pernod, delusional personality disorder.
There you are.
Here, boy! Here, boy! I mean, it's uncanny! OK, let's do it together.
Everyone look away.
Right, so on three.
- One - No, no, no, no! .
.
two I mean, have a bit of respect! .
.
three.
No way! What now? She's crying! She's crying real tears! - Oh, God, please.
Oh, God, no, this is bad.
- I said we needed a miracle and, behold! We have been given one! This isn't a miracle, Claire.
- The exam, Erin! - Fuck the exam.
Sorry.
- Listen - This is huge, Claire - The thing is Do you really think they're gonna make us sit an exam after seeing this? - You may have a point.
- Of course I have a point! We are the motherfucking children of Fatima, people! Could you put me through to sister Thomas, please? Tommy! How are ya? Yeah, not too bad.
A retreat? I dunno.
I have judo on Friday, don't like to miss it.
I'll tell you why I'm ringing you, so we've had an alleged apparition here this morning.
Well, it's in the weeping statue category.
Sure, I know.
Yeah, apparently there was a smirk as well.
I mean, I'm not sure what Our Lady of the Sorrows has to be smirking about, but that's by the by.
Sister, priest is here.
Yeah, I'll call you back.
Just a moment, ladies.
Listen, girls, I don't really think, beyond the exam or us getting out of doing it.
Before this goes any further, before we talk to this priest, there is something I think you all need to know.
Come in, Father.
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya see the light? Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya see the light? - Fuck me.
- I like his shiny hair.
So do I.
I really like his shiny hair.
- What are you saying, Erin? - Nothing.
Ignore me.
Forget it.
Hello, children.
Hello, Father.
Please, call me Peter.
Christ.
This is just going to be a very relaxed, informal chat.
And I don't want you to think of me as a priest, think of me as a friend.
Look Just like you now.
Dose.
So, before we begin, do you guys have any questions for me? Is that your real eye colour or are they contacts? These are my real eyes.
Anyone else? Yes, James.
- Is that a firm hold gel you're using there? - It's a mousse.
- And where do you - Hair and Flair.
- Oh, I didn't realise! - They do a men's range, yes.
- Anyone else? - Have you ever done any modelling, or No.
Does anyone have any questions about what happened in the church this morning? - Nope, I don't think so.
- No.
- No.
- Not really.
- No.
OK then.
So you claim you saw our blessed lady's features change, is that right? The Virgin Mother smirked at us, Peter, that is correct.
I see.
And after that, the statue, well, you claim it started weeping.
You're using the word "claim" a lot there, Peter.
I'm not here to make any judgments.
I'm just trying to get the truth, - that's all.
- You think we're lying, don't you? - Of course not.
- I do.
- But sometimes, we want to believe in something so much that we willingly deceive ourselves.
I mean, I know I've been guilty of that in the past.
I wanted a sign so badly that it drove me to distraction, because it is the question we all want the answer to, isn't it? I mean, does God exist? I mean, does he exist? Does he? Or is your whole world built on a lie, Peter? - Peter? - Yeah.
Directly before the weeping, can you remember what you were doing? What you were talking about? - I remember that James was being a dick.
- Ms Mallon.
I don't like to use that word, Sister, but it's so hard to describe James any other way, cos he's just such a dick.
I don't think you're a dick, James.
- Really? - Really.
And you know who else doesn't think you're a dick? Our Lord.
For feck's sake.
How do you know Our Lord doesn't think he's a dick? - Our Lord doesn't think anyone's a dick.
- I very much doubt that.
But it's the truth.
- Marti Pellow.
- No.
- Paddy Ashdown? - No.
- Your man from Funhouse.
- Pat Sharp.
- Pat Sharp, Pat Sharp's definitely a dick.
OK.
The five of you attending chapel, praying together, would that be a typical morning? Very good.
He's not joking, Michelle.
Oh, Christ, fuck no.
- We were just following that stupid dog.
- I'm sorry? The dog has nothing to do with anything.
Erin's dog died recently and she saw one that sort of looked like him a bit.
The dog's irrelevant.
- We followed him for a while, this dog.
- The dog and the statue are unrelated.
And he led us to the chapel.
The dog led you to the chapel? The dog isn't important! Maybe it is.
What if this dog you saw, Erin, what if it didn't simply look like your dog .
.
what if it actually was your dog? Right.
Maybe.
But as I think we mentioned, Toto's dead.
My ma saw him be hit by an army Land Rover and buried him in our back garden, so probably not.
A beloved animal returning from the dead, now, we've seen this before.
- Oooh, ghost dog.
- No, not ghost dog.
Resurrected dog! Don't you see? Toto was sent back to lead you to that chapel! To that statue! Because you're special, Erin.
You have been chosen.
Oh, Peter.
It's all just so overwhelming.
Hmmm.
Here's what I find strange.
You're in that chapel every single Sunday, yet this message from on high comes on the very day you happen to have an exam, which I know for a fact you haven't as much as even opened a book for! I find that very strange as well, Mrs Quinn, very strange indeed.
- What are you suggesting? - If you are lying, Erin, so help me, Jesus I'm not lying! Swear.
Swear on Dolly.
- Orla saw, too! - Orla's easily led.
- Thank you, Aunt Mary.
Look, I'm sure you all must have questions.
- I have a question.
- Yes.
How do you stay in such good shape? - Is it exercise? Diet? - Combination of both.
I also have a question, pretty boy.
Why are you encouraging all this? I wouldn't say I'm encouraging it, I'm just open to the possibility.
Well, I'm not.
Not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.
And maybe it's there.
Proof at last, Peter, proof at last.
- Is he all right? - I wouldn't say so, no.
He's a priest, like.
Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here but he has risen.
Come, come see the place where the Lord lay! God is inviting us to be his witness.
- We must look in the burial place.
- What's he saying? - I think he's saying he wants to dig up the wee dead dog's grave.
- What?! - What? - Feckin' weirdo! I'll go.
I'll get it.
It is mental out there.
Everybody's talking about it! Dennis gave me free pick and mix! Bon bons an' all.
No fucking about, like! - We're basically celebrities now.
We're like The Corrs.
- Can I be Jim? It's too much, Erin.
I can't handle it.
I think I'm going to crack.
OK, look, this has got way out of hand! What are you wearing? What did I say? You look like a fucking ball bag.
Your hair's all funny.
- I just put a bit too much mousse in it, that's all.
- Listen, guys - Get off me! - Would you listen? - It was piss.
- What was? - The tears on the statue.
Well, I actually have good reason to believe they were actually dog piss.
- No! You're not serious! - Deadly serious.
Sweet and gentle Jesus! I mean, that sort of makes sense.
I'm not even sure I saw her smirk any more.
I've had a lot of caffeine.
I definitely didn't see her smirk.
I was lying, so Excellent.
I was going to tell yous all later, but then Peter showed up and there was just this instant connection, like a spark.
- There was no spark, Erin.
- He said I was special.
He also said your dead pet had been fucking resurrected, - so, you know, pinch of salt.
- Yes.
And now he's talking about digging him up, and when he does, he'll realise that Toto has not in fact been resurrected.
He'll realise that Toto is just dead, very, very dead, and we've all been talking shite.
- We need to tell the truth, now.
- No fucking way! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Look, Clare, take a long, hard look at that.
And this is only the beginning.
The Derry Journal are on their way round.
They say we can make page 5.
Erin, tell her! We could tell the truth, but I sort of like the fact that Peter thinks I'm the chosen one, so James! I have a slight concern.
The truth might affect my friendship with Peter.
- You don't have a friendship with Peter.
- Yes, I do! - We have a lot in common, Clare.
- Like what? I mean, apart from the fact you appear to be wearing his clothes! Like the fact that we're both very spiritual, but mainly the fact that he doesn't think I'm a dick, and neither do I.
Come on, people! The jig is up! Doesn't have to be.
What's become of us? - What has become of us? - Keep an eye on that kitchen window, you.
- I want no part of this! - Well, you're in too deep now, Clare.
You're stealing a body! Let's just get it over with, and never, ever speak of it again.
- Jesus Christ, my nails are fucking ruined! - Less talk, more digging.
I've got something.
OK.
Give it here.
Right, me and Michelle go stash it somewhere and the rest of you all fill it back in.
- Open the box, Erin.
- God! - Yes, he is with us.
Do not be afraid, child.
Listen, I can e Oh, no, actually, I can't.
I can't explain.
Thanks be to God! Thanks be to God! I don't understand it.
The Lord's work is often difficult to comprehend.
- No, I mean, I really, really don't understand it.
- You're right, Father.
He has risen.
It's truly a miracle.
So what happens now, Peter? Well, I think the next stage is Rome, audience with the big man.
Pavarotti! John-Paul II.
But first, let us pray, please join hands.
I don't want you to touch me.
Excuse me.
It is vital you keep a low profile for a bit.
Do you hear me, Malarkey? - It was nobody.
- Well, you could at least wait till I've asked.
How can I get peace, Erin? Get back inside.
Why are you calling Maureen Malarkey? Granda says we're not allowed to speak to her.
Oh, that that's all blown over now.
Maureen Malarkey! Don't you mention that lowdown, deceitful, cheating old witch! - Why were you ringing her, Mammy? - It's none of your business.
Fine.
I'll ask her myself.
Stop it, Erin.
Redial.
- It was only her answer machine, anyway! - Ssh! - 'Hello, I'm sorry to miss your call.
' - See? Now hang up.
- 'If you'd like to leave a message for Maureen' - Hang up, Erin! 'Toto? We'll get back to you as soon as we can.
' You gave Toto to Maureen Malarkey? Wee Tigger had just passed.
She was lonely.
The chapel.
She was there.
That dog was Toto.
Oh, it's all adding up now, isn't it, Mammy? It's all for the best, Erin.
You staged his death, Ma.
I thought I'd lost him.
Well, you have lost him.
We're not taking him back.
- What? - Ah, come on.
He's a shit dog.
Toto was not a shit dog.
Well, he was no Gypsy.
Stop it.
I'm sick of it.
You can't compare every animal you have to the dog you had when you were five years old.
I can, and I will.
You're not gonna tell your granda, are you? Well, I'm gonna need some time to think about that.
Lovely.
And another one.
Beautiful.
And another one.
I'll be one minute.
Right, get one of me now.
Bon bon? What a day.
God, this is really hard.
Oh, it's been incredible.
Were they always this hard? You know, to tell you the truth, Erin, I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith recently.
That so? Seriously, it's like a jawbreaker.
It's been very challenging.
Really? Sorry, I'm gonna have to spit this out.
And you know, it became more challenging when I met this amazing girl.
There was just this Connection? Exactly.
You know, made me question everything, doubt everything.
Who knows? If God hadn't sent me this sign, I might have even left the priesthood to be with her.
What if he didn't? I'm sorry? Send you the sign, I mean.
Just for argument's sake.
Well, he did, Erin.
I could never abandon him now.
It's not true.
What? We're lying.
We've been lying.
There was no smirking, no weeping.
The dog's not even dead.
He's living with Maureen Malarkey.
None of it's true, Peter.
It's all balls.
But the good news is you're free.
We're free.
We can be together.
Peter! Peter, Peter, where are you going? Peter, wait.
I've got the most amazing news.
I've had a calling.
I've decided to follow in your footsteps.
I've decided to serve God.
Don't be such a dick, James.
So he's just gonna pack in the priesthood now, is he? Like, completely? Well, you can't exactly go part-time.
All because of us.
Not all because of us, Orla.
I mean, a bit because of us.
But mostly because it turns out he had a connection with one of the colourists in Hair and Flair, who does our Sarah's forwards, by the way.
And apparently she's a dirty tramp.
So, you know, good luck with that, Peter.
At least your ma was all right with dog piss gate.
I thought she was gonna go fucking nuts.
Let me put it this way.
I have locked my mother in a cage designed by her own art.
Oh, she has been well and truly hoist by her own petard.
Could you put it another way? I didn't understand a word of that.
Sort of blackmailing her.
Oh, happy days.
God, it's all so mortifying.
It'll all blow over soon.
Have you seen this? Jesus Christ! No, this is good.
"Wicked" means "good" in England, doesn't it, James? But we're not in England, though, are we, Michelle? And my tits look amazing in that top.
Well, sure, that's the main thing.
Ladies?