Desmonds (1989) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - More tea? - Yes, thank you, darling.
It's in the pot.
- Mum.
- Happy birthday! Oh, thank you.
You thought we forgot, didn't you? But we remembered.
Look! Oh, thank you, darling.
Desmond, look.
It's nice.
Who is it supposed to be? - It's Winnie Mandela.
- Oh, yes, I can see that now.
- Happy birthday, Mrs Ambrose.
- Oh, Louise, thank you.
They're lovely.
- Aren't they lovely, Desmond? - Yes, yes.
Happy birthday, Mum.
Sorry, I couldn't afford a present.
Aw, never mind.
Thank you, anyway.
I'm glad this only happens once a year.
"Some mothers are bad, some aren't so good "But my mum's wicked in this neighbourhood "Because Dad's so stingy with his pocket money "Giving you this card makes me feel funny "I wanna save face even though times are hard "I didn't buy you a present, I bought you a card" Stingy? When I was your age, I didn't even get pocket money.
- So, what's changed? - You cheeky little Aw, this is nice, isn't it, Desmond? Me family bought me cards, and presents.
Even Louise bothered.
- What did you get Mum, Dad? - Answer your son.
- Who, me? - Yes, you.
Well, it's, er private.
- What's so private about you forgetting? - I didn't.
- You didn't remember.
- I did last night.
- What about last night? - I remembered to wrap your present.
- Oh - There you go.
- Oh - Lovely.
Ooooh You old dog.
- Happy birthday, Shirley! - Many happy returns! - Lee! Matthew! - There you go, Shirl.
Just for you.
- Oh.
- Oh, thank you, Lee.
It's a tester.
No, it's not just a tester, Shirl.
It's the tester.
Of the most expensive perfume in the world.
- It's not stolen, is it? - Oh, Shirl.
- Would I give you bent gear? - Yes.
- Oh, thank you, Lee.
- Many happy returns of the day.
Oh, for me, Matthew? What is that? This is very nice, Matthew.
Is it African? This is a mark of great respect.
And it's only given to the oldest tribeswoman of the village.
Who wants to be the oldest tribeswoman of Peckham High Road? Where's Uncle Porkpie? Why ain't he here? - He announced he wouldn't be coming.
- He was in a right funny mood as well.
Do you know what's wrong with him? Some people don't like birthdays.
Brings back too many memories.
He hasn't been the same since his wife left.
- She left him? - It's a long story and And we don't want to hear about it now.
- Because I brought together - In honour of Shirley Ambrose.
with great difficulty, the Peckham Posse.
Yes, that famous ensemble, the P Posse, will sing in the key of off my latest composition, Opus 173.
Going at it, Matthew, boy! - Just what you doing? - I watching the news.
But you need to hear the news.
Why do I need to hear bad news as well as see it? What's the big secret? - Nothing.
- So why are you all whispering? We're not.
We were just - We were just debating.
- Yeah, debating.
Yeah? Usually, when you lot debate, I can hear you halfway down the road.
- So why are you so secretive? - It's a secret debate.
Yeah.
Well, instead of having a secret debate, why don't you finish your homework? - He hasn't even started.
- Neither have they.
You mean, you ain't done any work yet? Go and make a start now.
Why couldn't you keep your big mouth shut? Mum, if I tell you what the secret it, can we do it after supper? No.
Now.
Oh, go on.
You'll like it.
All right.
What's the secret? A secret? I've come at the right time.
- Why don't you knock before barging in? - Gloria! What you fail to remember is, not only am I now a partner in the business, I happen to also be your older brother.
So treat me with some respect.
You're a big girl now and I'm a grown-up.
Happy birthday, Mother.
Oh! Michael, they're lovely.
Beautiful.
Have you eaten? - I'm having supper with some friends.
- I'm having supper with some friends.
- Good to hear you've still got some.
- I've just come for the accounts.
- I've got soup.
Want me to warm it up? - No.
- What about some fried fish? - That's all right.
- Do you want to hear this secret? - Oh, sorry.
What is it? At the third stroke, it will be 6:15 precisely.
- That's right.
- That is not a toy, Father! - Let's have a look.
- What do you want a thing like this for? Tools of the trade.
The money market never closes.
It's a poser phone.
How buppies talk to each other.
Remember when we were young? We'd tie a piece of string between two tin cans.
That's their version of that.
Yes, but I can ring anywhere in the world.
You can? Maybe I can ring your auntie.
No, you're not.
- You're not going to ring Jamaica.
- Just make me give one call.
No.
It costs a fortune to call on one of these things.
- Why have one then? - So he can say it costs a fortune.
What about Mr Porkpie's party then? Porkpie having a party? How come I haven't been invited? They'll never take you in Ml5, will they? We're having a party for him next Friday.
I saw him in the post office this morning.
He looked sad.
We thought we'd sweeten him up a bit, nice it up for him.
- I'm sure you mean well.
- I've made a list of what we need.
Drinks, entertainment, decorations, hats, party poppers, food and money.
But you don't have to go mad.
Make some rum punch, play some music.
He wouldn't want anything fancy.
Give him a drink and anywhere is a party.
- We want to make it something special.
- Yeah, a party to remember.
He drink the rum, he won't remember a thing.
No, we don't want any of that old man drunken styling.
We want something crisp.
Yeah, but how are we going to afford it? - I know how.
- You do? - It'll be part of our business expansion plan.
- Business what? Good PR for the shop.
We can give Uncle Porkpie a good time and impress clients.
I feel an entrepreneurial opportunity coming.
Can we have that in English? For argument's sake, call him our oldest customer.
- I can think of an argument against that.
- You can? He's not a customer.
He never has his hair cut.
We'll offer him a free haircut.
Make a fuss.
Get a photo in a local paper.
Agreed? - I'll pay for it.
- Agreed.
Say he doesn't want to come? Tell him there's home cooking and dominoes.
He's bound to come.
Could you pass me the tin cans and a piece of string, please? Who are you calling? A catering firm I know called Smarty Parties.
Whoo! Excuse me.
- Is everything ready? - Yes.
You know, Michael, it's amazing, the things you can do with a few flowers.
Anyway, I think I've successfully managed to transform this seedy little place into something a little bit more respectable.
- Yes, you've done a wonderful job, - Thank you.
- I only wish it was permanent.
- Michael, lovey.
Look, if you ever need a completely new concept for the shop, Smarty Parties also do interior designs.
Alas, I'm still trying to persuade my father to move into the '70s, let alone the '90s.
Look, is everything OK? Yes.
- Good.
Go for it.
- Shoo.
Don't touch it.
Shoo, shoo! What is this, a party or a wedding? Since when has Porkpie been into flowers? Lee, these flowers cost me a lot of money.
It serves you right.
You should've come to me, mate.
Look, are you sure you know what you're doing, anyway? Oh, yeah.
Me and SLR? Whoa, we're like that.
- SLR, what's that? - Er, that's That's single-lens reflex.
Oh, thank you, David Bailey.
It's good, eh? My own recipe.
Rum punch.
Rum punch? This punch ain't got any punch.
Ah Knockout.
Do you have parties like this in Africa? - Yes, for funerals.
- But not surprise parties? Well, the last one I went to was for my cousin.
One of his wives had hit him over the head with a saucepan.
He was surprised to be dead.
- That's good.
- Right, Sean, you got the blindfold? - Yes.
- You know what to do? - Yes.
- Go.
Listen, everybody.
Porkpie is coming in in a minute.
Sean's gonna bring him in blindfolded, - I wish you'd hurry.
I'm starving.
- Look, I told you before.
Shush.
Shh! Positions, everyone.
Let's go for it.
After three Hang on, Porkpie.
We're not quite ready upstairs.
Wait there and I'll come and get you.
- Sean, what's going on? - All will be revealed.
Uh-uh! - You promised not to look.
- All right.
Hurry up.
Surprise! - Surprise! - Speech, Uncle Porkpie, speech! Speech! Speech! Well I don't know what to say, really and truly.
Say something truly and really.
If you want to know the truth, I can tell you.
Yes! Look around you.
What do you see? Friends.
A lot of wasted money.
The money spent on all this could've been spent on something better.
- Porkpie! - Shirley, he's better left alone.
That's what I like about Porkpie.
He certainly knows how to enjoy himself.
Porkpie, it's me.
Gloria.
- Come on, open up, please.
- Me not in.
I've come to apologise about yesterday.
You come alone? Yeah, why? - Anybody follow you? - No! Ah! Nice.
Oh.
Very nice.
Yes, music and television is the only thing me have to occupy me now.
- Used to be in Dad's band, didn't you? - That's right.
He never talks about it.
What happened to them? We got old.
- Who are they? - My daughters.
- They're very nice.
- Are they? I've come to apologise for yesterday.
Must've been very embarrassing for you.
You didn't embarrass me.
You know, what really got me was the waste of it all.
- I suppose you think I'm ungrateful.
- No.
- I suppose they want an apology.
- You don't have to apologise.
I wasn't going to.
- Nice view.
- Get away from the window! Who's gonna see us on the seventh floor? Them TV detector van can see through everything.
They know what station you're watching.
Them even know when you turn off Jim Davidson.
Don't be afraid of TV detector vans.
They're only after people that - You haven't got a television licence? - No.
And I can't afford one, either.
£62.
50.
That's not a lot of money, is it? But from where me sit now, that is a lot of money.
It's a lot more than my pension.
It's funny.
I work hard all my life, and what me have to show for it? A flat on the seventh floor on the worst estate in Peckham.
I've one stereo, a TV I can't use, a gold watch that I pawn.
And a selection of porkpie hats.
Why don't you give you something useful when you retire, like money? Everybody gets a gold watch.
I think they give you a gold watch so you remember how precious little time you have before you kick the bucket.
- Don't say that, Uncle Porkpie.
- Ah, but it's true.
So there lies the future of Mr Augustus Neapolitan Cleveland Grant.
Who has to sit here watchless, boxless and dropless.
- What so funny? - Your name.
Augustus Neapolitan Cleveland Grant.
Augustus? Neapolitan? Neapolitan.
- How is he? - Well, he's all right.
How much pocket money do you get? Not as much as you.
How much do you get? Not a lot.
It's just that Porkpie needs £62.
50 for a TV licence.
With my not a lot and your not a lot, we don't got a lot.
- Although Dad gave me a pay increase.
- How much? - 50p.
- That's not a lot.
- Wait a minute.
- What? Don't worry, sis.
I'll sort it out for you.
Man's got to do what a man's got to do.
And then put five K into cocoa.
Right.
Come in.
- Yes, Mandy? - There's somebody to see you, sir.
- Show them in.
- You can come in now, Mr Ambrose.
Er Do take a seat.
Bro, safe.
Er That'll be all, Mandy, thank you.
- What do you want? - Relax, bro.
Just come to check out the scene.
- Yes, it's nice.
- Thank you.
It's not bad.
The manager's office is better, though.
You know, I can just see you in there, with your name on that door.
- MM.
- M M? Michael the Manager.
- I bet the manager earns a good wage.
- Yes, he does.
It's not a bad career to be in.
You should think about it.
How much do assistants earn? Enough.
Well, in that case, you won't mind if I ask MM for a loan.
- You can try.
- All right.
Can I have a loan? Oh.
Would that be a personal loan, Mr Ambrose? Yeah, very personal one.
From you to me.
- Oh, yes? - It's for a good cause.
Oh, really? And who's that? You? - No, not me.
- OK, Sean.
How much? - Er £40.
- What? For Porkpie.
He needs to pay his TV licence.
After all the money I paid out for him and he walked out.
Now he wants me to give him £40 for a TV licence? - No way.
- No, he doesn't know.
Gloria, Louise and me are doing it for a surprise.
No.
Not after the way he treated me in front of all those people.
And he hadn't even apologised.
He didn't ask for the party.
That was your idea.
- No.
- He would've really liked a TV licence.
- No! - All we need is another 40.
Probably a weekly rent on that phone of yours.
So? OK.
What about making an investment? - Ah.
What in? - Me.
- Good job.
- I had some business to take care of.
- I've got my £13.
- I've got my ten.
I've got my five.
Plus my 10% increase, making a grand total of 5.
50.
£28.
50.
That's not gonna get very far, is it? It'll buy three months' viewing time.
Yeah, I suppose it's the thought that counts.
- Yeah.
Well.
Try counting this.
- Where did you get that from? - Michael.
- Michael? Yeah, man, me and bro are like this.
- How did you get that out of him? - You don't know how to talk to him.
There's a language between a man and bank manager.
- What did you say? - I'd wash his car the next six months.
- You get a kiss.
- Keep those lips to yourself.
Now, if Louise wants to give me a kiss Mwah! - How are you, Desmond? Shirley? - You know how we is.
We'll feel better when that silly old fool Porkpie come out of hiding.
Name that tune.
- What kind of tune is that? - That is music from Senegal.
Well, you can send it back.
I'm not in the mood.
I went to see him last night.
No answer.
- What do you think we should do? - We should wait till he come back.
- He's gone round there.
- Afternoon all.
How goes it? - Yes, what's happened? Who's died? - Nobody's seen Porkpie since the party.
Ah.
That's very interesting.
I gave Sean £40 to go round to help pay for his TV licence.
- Did you? - I hope he's all right.
- Sean's run off with the money.
- Michael.
How you could say a thing like that about your brother, hm? If Sean say he wanted the money for Porkpie licence, that's what he's done.
You tell him, Mum.
Anyway, he didn't give me the money.
I've got to clean your car for six months, remember? Michael, how could you? Easily, he's a capitalist.
A face of capitalism has no heart.
It's all right to be a capitalist when you need money.
That's the only good reason to have a capitalist in the house.
- You have the money, we spend it.
- Stop arguing.
Louise, you seen Porkpie today? - No.
- What have you done with the money? - Spent it.
- On what? Look, we put it in an envelope and popped it through his letter box.
Porkpie! I don't really know how to say this because I don't like charity.
But I want to thank you all for helping me.
It made me realise that sometimes you can't fight alone and you have to ask for help.
So, I want to thank you for your help and your friendship.
I know it's a bit late but I'd like to give this to you, Shirley.
And say, "Happy birthday.
" Aw, thank you, Porkpie.
Mwah.
They're very nice.
But these must've cost the earth.
I can't accept them.
I didn't pay that much for them.
I got them from Lee.
Oh, really? Well, if you don't mind me asking, Porkpie, - how much you pay for them? - You can't ask a man a thing like that.
- How much? - Excellent value, rolled gold, a pound.
Well, it's the thought that counts, eh, Porkpie? Yes, it's a nice present, Porkpie.
Hm.
No matter how much they cost.
But for you, cheapskate, it's the cost that counts.