Dharma & Greg s01e03 Episode Script

[Shrieks.]
Shh! Shh! My parents don't knowyou're with me in mytent in the backyard.
- We have to bevery, very quiet.
- Wait.
I thought this was an armytent.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
Sergeant Greg.
I know our love is wrong but I can't help myself.
Kiss me on the double.
Where exactlywould that be, Captain? - [ Laughing Hysterically.]
- [Knocking.]
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
[ Yells .]
- Dharma- - [ Yelling .]
- Superman! - Wait- - [ Sighs .]
- Hey.
Brian.
Hi.
Am I early? - Forwhat? - Um, we had a date.
[ Indistinct .]
- Right.
I forgot to call you.
- [ Forced Chuckle .]
I got married.
- M-Married? - That's my husband, Greg.
- Hi.
- Don't get up.
Wasn't plannin' on it.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry, man.
I wouldn't have asked her out ifl knew she was engaged.
Oh, no, we weren't engaged.
I just met Greg- - What was it, honey, last Friday? - Yeah, last Friday.
I metyou Thursday.
Snooze, you lose.
Are you sure? "Dog-eat-dog world"? Absolutely.
That's the expression.
Come on.
It's not a "doggy dog" world? - No, it's not.
- Ready? - Clear.
- I mean, it doesn't make any sense.
Have you ever even seen a dog eat another dog? - Ready? - Clear.
No, but it's still a dog-eat-dog world.
It means the world's a tough place.
It's every man for himself.
- It's kill or be killed.
- What do killer bees have to do with it? - [ Flushing .]
- Aah! [ Screams .]
Ready? - Dharma, this isn't gonna work.
- Sure it is.
You'll toughen up.
No, I mean, thewhole bath thing.
I need a shower so I can stand up and wash myselfin the right order.
You have an order forwashing your body? Yeah.
I mean, it's basically top to bottom.
Then you double back for the- Not important.
Aw, that's the same orderyou use for everything, isn't it? - Hey, Dharm? - Hi,Jane.
-Jane! - Sorry.
Hi, Greg.
I thought it over.
I decided I'll beyour maid ofhonor.
- Rock and roll.
- Right? - Hello! - I said hello.
Sowhat do I gotta do? You gotta wear a really heinous dress.
Cool.
I got a butt-ugly green one.
Too late.
Greg's mom already gotyou a butt-ugly purple one.
All right! That's it! I give up! Everybody gets to see Greg naked! I gotta warn ya, I grew up around horses.
- I think he wants us to leave.
- He said everybody gets to- I know, but he also says dog-eat-dog world.
- Dog eats dog? - No, it's doggy dog.
Hey, what are you doin' today? Gonna hang out at Fisherman's Wharf, give tourists bad directions.
- Why? - Well, Greg's playing golfwith his dad and my dad.
- That sounds like a bad idea.
- I know.
But I wanna surprise him and put in a showerwhile he's gone.
- You wanna help? - I don't know.
It means a trip to the hardware store.
Well- - We can use our phony English accents.
- London or Liverpool? [ British Accent .]
I say, governor, haveyou any brass hinges? It's for me house.
[ British Accent .]
All righty, then.
But this time I'm the humpback and I'm hard ofhearing! What? I said, I'm hard ofhearing! Hello, husband! Hello, deaf cockney hunchbacks.
I can't believe I letyou talk me into this.
Dad, he's myfather-in-law.
We've got this big wedding reception coming up.
We're all gonna have to learn to be civil to each other.
Of course I'll be civil to the man, old hippie buffoon.
Okay, great.
Now, when he gets here think "old hippie buffoon," but say "Larry.
" - Hi, Greg.
- Hi, Pete.
Hey, Mr.
M.
So I hearwe're playing with Jerry Garcia today, huh? Who's Jerry Garcia? Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Pete, Pete, Pete, you're gonna have to help me with these guys.
Ifyou recall, I tried to helpyou.
I said, "Do not do this.
" Man, this is a truly righteous country clubyou got here.
Thankyou, Larry.
Of course, ifyou Republicans haveyourway on immigration you'll be parking your own cars.
Mr.
Finkelstein, I'd likeyou to meet my friend from work, Pete.
Another lawyer.
Better put mywallet in my front pocket.
That's very amusing, Larry.
- I wonder if I have time to take a shower before we tee off.
- No, no, no, no.
You do not have time to take a shower.
Why didn't you do it at home? Dharma's place doesn't have a shower.
I had to take a bath.
What's wrong with a bath? Well, for one thing, he can't wash himselfin the proper order.
Gee, I always preferred a bath.
It's very soothing.
You put in a little sea salt, some oil- Add a carrot and a chicken neck, and you've got soup Larry.
It's goin' well.
They're exchanging recipes.
Son, why don'tyou and Dharma get an apartment with a shower? I can't ask Dharma to move.
She loves the place.
- She practically built it herself.
- Yeah, you're right.
You don't wanna get in any big emotional discussions.
Why don'tyou just make up some, I don't know medical reason you won't live there.
You want him to lie to my daughter? It's not a lie ifit's for the greater good.
Where have we heard that before? What areyou talking about? A little place called Vietnam, my friend.
Hey, who would have seen that comin', huh? What doyou know about Vietnam? You weren't even there.
I know it wasn't about communism.
It was about Mr.
Corporate America finding a place to sell their "sody" pop and "tobaccy.
" And next, we put clubs in their hands.
Thanks Pete.
All right, boys, Mommy's going to the hardware store.
So remember the rules.
Play nice with each other.
Stinky, don't open the door for anyone.
And, Nunzio, stay out ofthe liquor cabinet.
- You rememberwhat happened last time.
- [ Phone Ringing .]
[ Groans .]
Hello? Dharma, dear, it's Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother.
It's Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother.
Oh, that Kitty Montgomery.
Dharma, for some reason, the dressmaker insists she needs to see the wedding gown on you.
- Could you be a dove and hop by? - You know what? I'd love to.
But my maid ofhonor and I are just out the door trying to get stufffor a shower.
- You're having a shower? - Yeah.
- When? - Well, we're hoping today.
Today? Well, you just can't do it like that.
I mean, how are people supposed to know about it? I just figured they'd open the door and, bam, there'd it be.
Oh, you unusual girl.
- Is your mother going to helpyou? - Yeah.
She read up on it in one ofthose Time-Life books.
Oh, my God.
Well, I'll- I'll be over right after lunch and I'll showyou what to do.
Great! Thanks so much.
We'll seeyou then.
Bye! [ British Accent .]
Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother, is coming over? - Yes, she'll help us with the shower.
- Why? She's probably one ofthose rich ladies who's into plumbing.
- What? - I said she's probably one ofthose rich ladies - who's into plumbing! - Oh! They started it by attacking a peaceful vessel in the Gulf ofTonkin.
Oh, please.
The Gulf ofTonkin incident was invented to win over congress.
We were responding to attacks on our servicemen- Pete, I'm, uh, thinkin' of killing myselfwith a golf club.
Any suggestions? Yourfirst instinctwould be to go with a threewood, maybe even a driver.
- But that might bounce right offthe skull.
- Really? Yeah.
Instead, consider a short iron.
Maybe a pitching wedge.
- That'll split the skull, lodge right in the brain.
- Wedge it is.
I'll haveyou know, I was in Canada- You were in Canada becauseyou didn't have guts enough to put on a uniform and fight.
Areyou calling me a coward? I'm just saying that all ofyour pacifism is just a bunch ofhokum.
How can you call me a coward when you don't even have the courage to just come out and call me a coward? Okay.
Everyone's a coward.
Let's go find our balls.
- Yeah! - It's out ofthe box! - Girls rule! - [Kitty.]
All right.
I brought invitation samples from my printer.
Please pick something simple.
My caterer has prepared a choice ofhors d'oeuvres and, needless to say, the right hors d'oeuvres make the bridal shower.
Oh, my God! It's a "shower" shower! Ain't she a peach? [ Whooping .]
All I'm saying is ifthe cause had been just I could have gone into Vietnam and done exactlywhatyou did.
Areyou saying you could have been a Green Beret? - Absolutely.
- That's it! I've been listening to this long enough.
I cannot believe that my father and my father-in-law don't have the decency to at least pretend to get along for one lousy afternoon! [ Mouthing Words .]
You couldn't be a Green Beret at a Halloween party! - Come on, Pete.
- Aren't you even gonna hit? - Ooh! You got all ofthat one.
- Get in the cart.
All right.
You're in the Mekong Delta.
V.
C.
everywhere.
Your only chance of survival is diving into a rice paddy and holding your breath for four minutes.
Four minutes? [ Inhaling Deeply.]
Piece of cake.
Oh, don't worry, Kitty.
A lot ofwords have two meanings.
Like ifwe had said, "Kitty, get over here, and fast" do we mean "and hurry," or do we mean "Kitty, get over here and don't eat for a long time"? And I love these little cucumber sandwiches.
Really? I vote for the cheese things.
There is no vote because there is no shower.
Um, Kitty, would you like maybe something to drink? Or- I just juiced some cabbage.
No, thankyou.
Actually, I, uh- I have to go.
I-I have, uh, to go.
Dharma, I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this, but why areyou installing a shower? - Don't got one.
- Yeah.
But she does have the bathtub from her old place in Half Moon Bay.
I gave birth to her in that tub.
- And that's where Gregory bathes.
- [Jane .]
Yep.
Seen it with my own eyes.
Why do you people live like this? 'Cause you can't camp on the beach anymore.
Besides, Kitty, I love it here.
I mean, I did all ofthis work myself.
Did you know this used to be a battery factory? Ah! And to your credit, you've nearly disguised that fact.
Thanks.
I just wish once I get this shower installed that Greg will feel more at home.
Soyou're doing this for Gregory? Yeah.
I want him to feel totally comfortable.
Dharma, ifyou will indulge me in a brief outing I believe I can showyou how to make Gregory comfortable.
Anybody in for an outing? - Sure.
- Oh, bad.
Don't eat the beige ones.
[ Yelling .]
- What the hell did you do that for? - No reason.
It's called psychological warfare, my friend.
And now, this soldier is in your head.
I own you.
You're out ofyour mind! Maybe.
Maybe not.
Spooky, huh? That's not soldiering.
We're talking about actual combat.
I'm talking about creeping up on the enemy and taking 'em out.
Okay.
- You see that foursome over there? - Yeah.
You see the fat guy with the bad rug? That's Dick Lawrence.
He's a cardiologist.
Hey, Dick.
Right now, he's Charlie and that beaver pelt on his head is goin' home in a bag.
No, you lunatic! He's on the membership committee.
What's the matter? Afraid I'm gonna beatyou atyour own game? My game does not include attacking a man who may be blowing up balloons in my heart one day! That kind of namby-pamby attitude is exactlywhy you guys lost over there.
All right! That's it! We'll settle this thing once and for all! Get in the cart, Ms.
Fonda! [Dharma Groans .]
I don't know, Kitty.
Do you really see me living in a ritzy-titzy place like this? No.
But let's use our imagination.
You come home from work.
You're exhausted.
You're in dire need of pampering, and you open your door to this! "Wow" is whatyou would say ifyou liked this kind ofthing.
- Well, I mean, you're right, Dharma.
This isn'tyou.
- No.
However, theJacuzzi tub beckons.
[ British Accent .]
Jacuzzi? Just the thing to soothe me tired hump.
Or iftheJacuzzi is occupied then you can step intoyour fully appointed gourmet kitchen.
With scope in your ridiculously large subzero refrigerator remove a perfectly chilled bottle ofvintage- - Papaya juice? - All right.
Well, there are some lovely things here certainly but, gosh, Dharma, don'tyou think it's a little cold? No, no, no, no, no.
She will not be cold not when she is nestled in front ofher Italian marble fireplace sipping cocoa and gazing at the harvest moon.
[ Chuckles .]
Skylight.
You know, Dharma, living this far above Mother Earth can permanently misalign your chakras.
That's true.
When your chakras are messed up, your chi just goes- [ Squeals .]
Well, I certainly can't argue with that.
But there are certain advantages to this elevation.
Dharma home.
Man, I miss having a shower.
Hey, sorry for peeking in on ya.
I got a little worried afteryou were in there for half an hour.
- That's all right.
- You got a nice ass.
- Thanks for noticing.
- Here's a wacky idea.
Why don't we stop by the hardware store on ourway home pick up a shower, and install it in your apartment? You know how to do that? I worked myway through law school as a plumber's assistant.
That's why I know a lot about plumbing and very little about law.
You know, you could have mentioned this earlier.
Sue me.
You'll probablywin.
Should we just go, or should we wait around for Samson and Delirious? Let's just go.
They're two middle-aged men.
What's the worst thing they could be doing? Wanna back out? You think I'm scared? Hell, you're talkin' to a man who watched Fantasia three times without a buddy.
- What? - You're not the only one who has flashbacks, pal.
Okay.
Bring it in, tilt it down.
- We got stairs.
We got stairs.
Careful on the stair- - What? - All right, we're through.
- Yes.
All right.
Put it down and plant it.
What is that? I can't be certain, but, uh it's either a shower or a writ ofhabeas corpus.
[Screams .]
I can't believe I'm gonna live here! Aah! I'm gonna have to get so much more stuffto fill this place up.
Oh, and that, my dear child, is why God created shopping.
N'estpas? - [JacuzziJets Bubbling.]
- [Jane Squeals .]
Ridin'thejet stream! Excuse me.
I'm going to get your friend out of the Jacuzzi while it still respects her.
This place is huge! Ha! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Ooh.
Upset.
- No, Dharma.
I just wanna make sureyou're not falling under the influence of someone who- How do I put this nonjudgmentally- may be evil.
You know what, Abby? - What? - I'm not doing this because of Kitty.
I really, really, reallywant to live here and I know Greg would.
Oh! - Okay, okay.
- Come on! - Then I hope that you're both very happy.
- Thankyou.
- Hey, you know what? - What? Come here.
You can help me decorate.
[ Scoffs .]
Well, I suppose some tapestries would warm the place up.
Definitely.
And every place that she tells you to put an ottoman, put a beanbag chair.
You got it.
Hey, doyou think I can barbecue in that? Guys, I got about two minutes offuel left.
Ifyou're gonna jump, it's now or never.
You know, even ifwe both jump what's it really gonna prove? Excellent point.
Why don't we go back to the clubhouse and see who can drink more? You're on.
But I gotta warn ya I had my blood replaced in '7 4, and I'm not afraid to do it again.
Greg? - In here.
- I have killer news! I saw the most ama- I know.
Can you believe we had exactly the same idea? Huh? Huh? I did the calking and the knobs, and ran the pipes- - Well, Pete helped a little.
- Wow! That must have been a lot ofwork.
No, it was great.
Now I understand whyyou love this place so much.
I mean, I've always lived in those sterile, modern apartments where everything's just there and perfect.
Yeah, those perfect places.
This place- you have to get in there and put your sweat and your blood in it, and- - Did you cut yourself? - Yes! Several times! But it's okay because I live in a place where I walk up steps you built, and you shower in a shower I built.
Oh, by the way, "hot" means cold and "cold" means hot.
Anyway, Dharma, thankyou.
Thankyou for sharing this with me.
This is the first place I've ever lived that feels like home.
I love it when you just come out and say all that goopy stuff.
So what's your good news? Um, a guy at Al's Hardware thought Jane and I were really English.
That is good news.
[ British Accent .]
Hey, husband, what saywe go down to the hardware store and get us a Jacuzzi? [ British Accent .]
Happy to.