Diary of an Uber Driver (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

MAN: Just off to work, Michael? No.
Uh, going home.
I work from home.
Oh, right.
Work from home.
That's the dream, right? To be honest, though, I reckon I'd end up watching Netflix all day, hey.
(CHUCKLES) So, what line of work are you in? (SIGHS) Architecture.
Seriously? Oh, mate, when I was in school, or even still now, I was like, "Architecture.
That is the top of the top," you know, as far as art forms go.
Imagine that.
I mean, I've I've met guys who do graffiti, and they they kind of think they're top shit, you know? Imagine they're pointing at their painting going, "I did that.
" And you're like, "Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
"You know what I did? The entire building behind it.
" (LAUGHS) Yeah, it's awesome, man.
Congratulations.
Do you follow the rugby at all? Sorry, would you mind if we just didn't speak? Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I just don't want to have a whole conversation every time I get into an Uber.
I'm paying you, OK? You know, we're not friends.
You don't have to we just don't have to to talk.
I'm more likely to give you a good rating if we can just be quiet.
I don't understand why more drivers don't realise that.
Yep.
Cool.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
You too.
Thanks a lot, Michael.
Jerk.
(LAUGHS) Oh, he won't listen to me.
- Shit.
- OK.
OK.
Bye! Come on! Michael.
Hello.
How are you? - Yeah, hi.
How are you? - Oh, I'm good.
You know, darling, you really should pop on by and have a look at these books before I throw them away.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I was thinking about that, and, um, you know what? I think I'm OK.
Yeah, I have so many books already.
Well, you can never really have too many though, can you? (CHUCKLES) Clearly you can, that's why I'm throwing them away.
Yeah.
No, I'm OK.
Well, why don't you come on over anyway and we can forget about the books and have a look at the end of a bottle of wine? Ha.
See you later.
You weren't waiting for the lift? No, no.
No, no.
I'm going to take the stairs.
Up to the sixth level? Yeah.
I could use the exercise.
Ha! You are a good boy.
See ya.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh! Oh, fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit.
- WOMAN: (OVER INTERCOM) Hello? - Hi, sorry.
Um, is there an old man on your level? Sorry, who's this? I, uh, live in the building across the way.
I'm just a bit worried about an old man.
I I saw him through the window.
I think he's on your level.
OK.
So So, do you know what number he's in? I don't know.
Well, uh, he's, uh, second flat from the right, so do you think maybe you could go and check on him? Uh, I can't.
I've got my kids.
OK.
Well, do you mind letting me in so I can come and check? Hello? Hello? Is anyone in there? Hello? Is there anyone in there? If there's anyone in there, please answer the door.
Hello! Please! If there's anyone in there, please answer the door! Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
Oh OK, fuck.
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Hello? Hi.
Um, I think my, uh, neighbour has died.
I I've tried knocking, but he won't answer.
Well, I don't know.
No, I don't know.
I just saw him through the window.
I think he's alone.
Oh, he's here! Oh, thank God.
It's OK, it's fine.
I It's fine, thank you.
He's here, thanks.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, thank God! (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm so sorry! I I thought something awful had happened to you.
I saw you through the window.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- I just - Don't touch me, ya poof.
Bang, bang! (KID MAKES GUNFIRE SOUNDS) See, they're not allowed toy guns anymore, so they just use the dolls to kill each other.
Bang, bang! Hmm.
Feels worse.
It does, doesn't it? Mm.
So, what do you think of Beck's friends? Yeah, yeah.
They're great.
I like them.
- Hmm.
- Mm.
What about her work friends? Yeah, they're really nice.
You don't think that they're a little A little what? insubstantial? Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
I'm not playing this game.
What? - What ? - I know what you're doing.
You are trying to trick me into saying Beck's friends are shallow.
I never said shallow.
Then she's going to come over here and you're going to tell her I didn't like em.
- I would never do that.
- Yes, you would.
Last week you made me say I didn't like her rug.
It's entrapment.
- WOMAN: Hey guys.
- Hey, Beck.
- Ben was just saying - No, I was not.
that this is the best potato salad he's ever had.
Oh, so good.
Yum, yum, yummy.
Ah, Ben, this is my stepbrother Clint.
- Hey, Clint.
Nice to finally meet ya.
- Yeah.
- I just want to say congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, mate.
- I'm really excited for you guys.
Oh, excellent.
Thank you.
I'm hoping once the baby's born, my parents will stop keeping such a close eye on me.
Oh, why? Do Mum and Rodney really give you a hard time - about your Latin studies? - Right.
Shut up, Beck.
Does anyone even use Latin for anything anymore? - Oh - It's just a really great launch pad for almost all European languages, so Yeah, cool.
I'd heard that, actually.
Alright, well, I just wanted to say hi before I head off.
- Oh, really nice to meet you.
- How are you getting home? - Uh, train.
- All the way across town? - It's not that far.
- No, bullshit.
Just hang around for an hour.
I'll give you a lift.
- Nah.
Nah, I've got to go study.
- I can take him.
- I can take you if you want.
- No.
No.
No, honestly, it's fine.
It's important, you know, schooling.
Seriously? - Yeah.
- That's really nice, Ben.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Honestly, totally fine.
OK.
Well, thanks Ben.
I, uh I actually studied German in high school for about, um oh, six months? Hallo.
Wie gehts? Ich bin Ben.
That's about the extent of it.
Yeah, a lot of throat work, I remember.
People struggle with that.
I took to it.
Took to it like a duck to water.
So, what do you think about to stop yourself from cumming? Sorry? You know, like when you're about to bust a nut, everyone's got that one fucked up thing they think about - to go a little longer.
- Uh I don't I don't know.
Why do you want to know that? Just making conversation.
Yeah, I don't think that's appropriate, Clint.
OK.
Alright, it must be something really fucked up - if you're not going to tell me.
- What? No! Is it like - Is it your Dad's balls or something? - No! Is it worse? Is it animals? - No.
Jesus! - Alright, what is it then? It's nothing.
If it's nothing, then what does it matter? Just the news or something, I guess.
- It's the news? - Yeah, I don't - I don't know.
The news, yeah.
- Which news? What ? I don't know, Clint.
Any news.
Current events and stuff.
OK.
So, like ISIS.
Well, I feel like ISIS hasn't been in the news for a while.
Fuck, were you thinking about ISIS when you got my sister pregnant? What? No! That is fucked up, man.
- No.
No.
- Holy shit, imagine that.
Imagine the only reason your child exists is because ISIS made you jizz.
- It didn't make me! - Well, it didn't stop you, though.
- It wasn't ISIS! - Then what was it? What were you thinking about before you got my stepsister pregnant? - Oh, man.
- Come on.
Take note.
You don't want to make the same mistake twice.
I have no idea, Clint.
It was seven months ago.
So can we ? What are What are you doing? I'm just googling the news from February.
Clint! That's enough, mate.
"Children separated from their families at border.
" (EXHALES) I cannot believe that this is what made you - It didn't make me.
- Didn't stop you, though.
Alright.
You know what? You want to know what I think about? I really don't.
And it works 100% of the time.
- I don't.
- And that's including threesomes.
I do not need to know.
- It's your mum.
- Okey-doke.
Great.
Good one.
Nah, not really.
Not really.
I actually just think about this girl I did it with on tennis camp.
She was maybe an eight out of ten.
And, of course, I finished the job, but, God the thought of anything under a nine these days just, pff, makes me soft.
Clint, is this the right place? I don't know.
Did you put the address in properly? Is this your house? Do you think I could smash gash like I do if I lived in a hole like this? Alright, alright.
Enough with the gash-smashing.
Oh, don't.
Nah, that doesn't sound good when you say it.
Like it's offensive or something.
Where are we? Alright, Sam Collins said this place does double strength caps and red xan bars.
Are you out of your mind? I'm not taking you to buy drugs! What, do you want me to go in there by myself? You're not going anywhere, mate.
What is your home address? Why would I give you my address before I've got the molly? OK.
Right.
- I'm calling your sister, then.
- Sure.
I am.
OK, cool.
Scroll, scroll, scroll.
Beck, Beck, Beck.
She is on the mobile Mm-hm.
Sorry, who's not on the mobile? - Shh! It is ringing.
- It's not.
- Why'd you even bring me here? - OK, dude, I can do this by myself.
No, wait.
Wait.
If I go in there, you are going to give me your home address? Sure.
You can trust me to keep a promise.
Unlike my virginity, which I lost at the age of 13.
- Fine.
- Let's do it.
No, you are staying here.
(KNOCKS AT DOOR) Hi.
How's it going.
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
My name is, uh, Ben.
Uh, I actually don't want to buy any drugs, but I I really need the guy (WHISTLES) in the car to think that I'm buying drugs for him, which I'm not, because he is 16.
I was just hoping, if it's OK with you, if I was to give me some money, you know, for your time, uh, you could just pretend like (WHISTLES) to give me, like, some drugs so that he sees that.
That would be awesome.
Um, yeah, I'm really sorry about this.
I'll be out of your hair in a second.
I only have a 50.
You don't have any change, I'm assuming? Nah, that's OK.
Here you go.
Just take that.
And then if you just pretend to give me drugs Boom.
Yep.
Yeah, awesome.
Yes.
That was perfect.
Yeah, thanks so much for that.
Yeah, I'll tell my friends that this is the place to go for you know, just really great drugs and just excellent customer service.
Bye-bye.
Can I see it? No, no.
Uh-uh.
You don't get anything until we get to your house.
Your real house.
Dude, how come you don't have, like, a single nude on your phone? You went through my phone? Guess you got to keep a clean slate unless you want Edward Snowden looking at your dick, huh? You can't just go through people's phones, Clint.
Then how else was I supposed to get your Mum's number? Jesus Christ.
Fuck.
And you don't even have Tinder.
- No.
- No.
OK, so, basically you've had sex once in the last seven months, and you forgot to pull out.
Hoo! I got to be honest, Ben, I'm feeling a lot of pressure as an uncle just to make sure this kid doesn't turn out to be an absolute pussy.
What ? What is that? It's an RBT.
What, that's the cops? Yeah, they're always here.
Well, then why would you come this way? - What? - Dude, turn around.
You Why? Uh, because you've got a pocket full of MD.
Oh, right.
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
And what if they search the car? Actually, you know what? You might be right, man.
- Yeah, then turn around! - I can't! They've already seen me.
- Shit! - Fuck.
- What should what should we do? - I don't know.
OK, grab me grab me grab me a bottle of water.
- Quick! Quick! - OK! What the fuck is that? They were out of drug bags.
Give that.
Yep.
What the fuck? - Oh! Shut up.
Shut up.
- (SIREN WHIRRS) - Fuck.
- Be cool.
Yeah.
Hello, Officer.
Hello.
Just doing a breath test.
Have you had anything to drink this evening? Just just one this afternoon.
Alright, can you blow in this for me, please? Fuck.
(BREATHALYSER BEEPS) - Thanks, mate.
- Thanks, Officer.
Shit, that was that was close.
- You alright, dude? - Yeah.
No, I'll be fine.
I didn't have that many pills.
Only like eight.
- Eight? - Is that a lot? Oh, shit.
Fuck.
Hey, are you all right, mate? You all right? Yeah, I'm just feeling like I'm Hey! Fuck! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, pull over.
Pull over.
You all good? Yeah, man.
No, I'm good.
Yeah.
I think I think that was an early wave but, you know, we should probably just if we want to head Hey, hey! Dude! Dude, come on.
Hey! Hey, come on, man.
Hey, come on.
You all right? Ben! Ben, are you alright? Come on.
Come on.
Fuck.
Shit.
No.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hey! Hey, come on.
Come on, please.
You're all right.
Please be alright, please.
Please, come on.
Please wake up.
Ben.
Ben, I need you.
Please! Please wake up, Ben That's why we don't buy drugs, Clint.
Yeah? - Uh - Ready to go home? Alright, let's go home.
Also, we need to chat about your attitude towards women.
Nice place.
Water? Yeah, thanks.
We don't have to tell Beck about this, right? I don't think so, no.
So, uh, you're not much of a player then, are you? No, Clint, I am not.
Going to get out, or Wait, this is your place, right? You know, I just assumed that you were.
Why on earth would you think that? Wait, what, you mean because of you mean because of Beck? Yeah.
You mean because we're not I mean, no judgement but statistically one of the boys is going to make it through if you're hitting it every night.
No! That is not the situation at all.
I I'm not some, you know (CHUCKLES) playboy.
- Yeah, I see that now.
- OK.
Good.
Dude, Beck is awesome.
Yeah, I know.
Your, uh your parents are split up? I I could tell from your messages.
Oh.
Right.
Um, yeah.
My, uh, Dad's been married a few times now, actually.
So, you've got multiple Mums, then.
Yep.
Yeah, sort of.
Well, that's good news for me.
(LAUGHS) - Walked into that one.
- Yes, you did.
Hi.
Hi, Mum.
Hey listen, I think I will actually be able to come up next weekend after all.
No, no, I did, but, um, that meeting, uh That meeting got cancelled, so, yeah, I'll drive up in the afternoon.
Yeah, me too.
Of course you did.
(LAUGHS) (RETCHES) Why did you even bother coming? I'm just I'm freaking I'm freaking out.
I don't think we should talk to anyone else about this.
Alright, Byron, just you and me, mate.
Let's rock'n'roll.
Who the fuck are you? I'm Ben, the Uber driver.
- Tell her I've hurt myself.
- I'm not going to do that You fucking promised you'd come! We are just friends.
Ah, friends with, uh with benefits? - (CHUCKLES) - Mm, sperm donor?