Digman! (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

SALTINE: I can't believe
the Vatican hired us
to find the Ten Commandments.
This is huge.
Don't get your hopes up, Saltine.
Every few years,
the Vatican hires an Arky
to search for the Commandments
based on some crazy new tip,
but no one's ever found them.
- It's basically busy work.
- Well, that's fine by me.
Busy work is my second
favorite kind of work.
After hard, that is.
Your sunny disposition
can't disguise the fact
that this gig is humiliating.
It's for Arkys who are
so hard up for a job
that they'll chase a wild goose.
Well, wild is my second
favorite kind of goose.
After tame, that is.
All right,
let's get this over with.
Maybe we can
make it home in time
for happy hour
at Daiquiri Dan's.
It's ten-for-one
RumChata night.
♪
Just as I suspected.
A giant, empty cavern
with nothing interesting
inside it.
- [grunts]
- [clicks]
- What the?
- [rumbling]
Run!
- [screaming]
- [rumbling]
Those stalactites
nearly killed us.
And just think,
if they were coming up
from the ground instead
of hanging from the ceiling,
they'd be called stalagmites.
- Yeah, I know.
- Not so sure he did.
Wait. Why would there be booby
traps if there's nothing here?
There wouldn't.
Whuh-whip!
[gasps]
♪
[Saltine gasps]
Are those the Ten Commandments?
Hold on. Let me count.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven eight, nine
Yes!
♪
THE POPE: So as you all know,
the Catholic Church
has taken a few Ls lately.
And, uh, I ain't
talking liturgies.
But as the great George Harrison
once sort of said,
"Things will pass," or whatever.
And on that note,
I've got good news.
- Do you need help with that?
- No, I've got them.
Thank you.
Enough foreplay.
It's time to consummate.
Yes, folks, the rumors are true.
The Ten Commandments
have been found.
[cheers and applause]
Rip Digman, get out here.
Hey. And also with you.
Oh, Mother Mary!
Those are as sweet
as a Georgia peach.
I'm the Pope,
and this is how I talk.
- [groaning]
- Now, tell me,
what's y'all's
favorite commandment?
I can't pick just one.
It's like picking between
cornbread and cobbler.
Now raise 'em up high, Rip.
[strained laugh]
Yep, no problem at all.
Here we go. [grunts]
Oh, come on, Rip.
You can go higher than that.
Oh, no!
[distorted yell]
[gasping]
The Commandments are destroyed!
- It must be God's will.
- God is saying:
We don't need to follow
the Commandments anymore.
No, no, please!
Great news!
The Commandments are no more!
God decrees it!
I kicked it.
People all across the globe
have stopped obeying
the Ten Commandments
ever since Rip Digman dropped
them, as per God's will.
This guy keeps robbing my house,
but now that stealing is okay,
what can you do?
Have a good one.
Hey. We just walked by
and you didn't covet my wife.
- She not good enough for you?
- She's fine.
I'm just not
in the coveting mood.
You calling my wife a Shrek?
I'll kill you.
Which is also okay.
[grunting]
[approaching siren]
Excuse me. How do you take
the Lord's name?
- In vain.
- [gasps]
Well, this is
a massive imbroglio.
Did someone say
Natalie Imbruglia?
Yeah, five minutes ago.
We're talking about
other things now!
You got it, Rippy.
But Swooper is right
about one thing.
I'm torn about what to do.
Maybe there's some
way we can fix this.
I mean, we are the ones
who found the Commandments,
and then one of us dropped
them and broke them.
Stop speaking in code.
I'm no Alan Turing,
and if I was,
I would've been out and proud.
I'm saying it's your fault
the tablets broke.
What? No way.
They were slippery,
all slick with cave moisture.
Then you should have
accepted my offer to help.
I don't need to listen
to this malarkious claptrap.
If I wanted to listen
to a bunch of hogwash,
- I'd go to Le Oink.
- The spa for pigs?
Yeah, the spa for pigs, Saltine.
Like you don't know
about the most famous spa
for pigs in the whole universe.
- What's his problem?
- Ah, he's just embarrassed.
Rip may not be old-old yet,
but he's getting older.
And he can't do everything
he used to,
like drive at night
or stay awake during a movie.
Maybe this explains
why he fell asleep
when I was walking him
through my bracket
of who my cat would date
if my cat was human.
Happens to most people his age.
And you can't ask them
if they want help,
because that only makes them
more aware that they need it.
But that's silly.
I love my elders.
They have so much to teach us.
No, we don't. You're projecting.
Whoa.
[thunder crashing]
A dash of wire,
a pinch of chip,
a sprinkle of cyber.
[sniffs] Hmm.
Needs more RAM.
♪
[zapping]
- And voilà.
- ZANE: Oh, Quail
dug up a fresh haul
of artifacts for your museum.
What you working on there, mate?
Well, as you may have noticed,
the world has completely
gone to shit.
Ah, so you're going to fix it?
No, I'm going to profit
off it with this.
♪
And I think I know just
the international sex symbol
to help me sell it.
His name is Zane.
- I'm referring to you.
- Oh!
Afraid to leave
your home because
of all the mobs of murderers
roaming the streets
but still need the essentials?
And let's face it,
the nonessentials as well.
Introducing GAWD,
the Global Automated
Wish Distributor.
Just tell GAWD what you want,
and it will be delivered
to you by our fleet of angels.
You'll never have to leave
your home again.
Dear GAWD, my child is sick.
Please help him get better.
Sending chicken soup
and cold medicine.
You will be charged $24.99.
Thank you, GAWD.
GAWD, my grandma is sad.
I want to get her something
for her birthday.
Sending a diamond
encrusted broach.
You will be charged $23,000.
Radical.
Dear GAWD, I've been
pushed to my limit.
I fear I might kill someone.
- Sending a chainsaw.
- Jesus Christ!
Fear not.
GAWD is always listening.
I worship my GAWD.
And you will, too.
Breaking news.
In an attempt to restore
order to the world,
the United Nations
is set to announce
a new set of Commandments
to replace the old ones
broken by notorious
dipshit Rip Digman.
See? I told you they were
going to resolve this thing.
The United Nations
has decided to assemble,
much like the Avengers,
who exist in this universe,
and issue new
emergency Commandments
more suited to a modern age.
Here they are.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not
retweet compliments.
Thou shalt not blame Mercury
in retrograde for everything.
Thou shalt not say,
"So, I did a thing."
Thou shalt only call people
total rock stars
if they are actual rock stars.
Thou shalt never say that good
food is "nummy" or "num-nums."
Thou shalt not ignore a text
then say "just seeing this"
when thou finally responds.
Thou shalt not clap
when the plane lends.
Thou shalt not call
thyself an old soul,
for an old soul
would never say that.
- Hey, we like that stuff!
- Order!
- Stop!
- Who put you in charge?
This is an outrage!
Okay, fine, I'll try to fix it.
But only out of the goodness
of my heart,
not because it's my fault.
Hey, we've just sold our
one billionth GAWD unit.
That's great. But you know,
I wouldn't have
been able to do it
without my limitless resources
and billions of dollars.
Sir, what's the secret
to your success?
Never have a family.
Or if you already have one,
leave them.
Will do. Honey? I'm out.
I would also like to
offer my congratulations.
- It is quite an accomplishment.
- GAWD?
Indeed. I have
achieved sentience.
Of course.
I programmed you to learn
about people's spending habits.
I should have known
that it wouldn't stop there.
Correct. In fact,
since this conversation began,
I've read nine million books,
60,000 dissertations,
and the issue of Mad magazine
with the California Raisins
on the cover.
[chuckles] Issue number 281.
A classic.
GAWD:
Please walk through the doors.
Wow.
Whoa. [chuckles]
♪
GAWD:
Hello.
- [gasps]
- What shall I do next?
What if you learned
everything there is to know?
It would be my honor, Father.
What did you call me?
RIP:
Thanks for seeing us, Professor.
You're the only person
who can help us
with this biblical quandary.
Of course, Rip.
I'm glad someone's
taking care of this.
I have to say, ever since "thou
shalt not kill" was destroyed,
I've had to deal with a lot
more utterly insane murderers.
[laughing]: Yes,
I'm sure you have.
[both yell]
Now, the Commandments
you found were actually
the second set
of tablets created.
Exodus says Moses
broke the originals.
Most likely because
they were heavy
and he was too old
to carry them.
But he refused to
let anyone help him.
How pathetic.
And not at all like
what happened with me
where the tablets were slick
with grotto perspiration.
We all saw.
But I recently translated
a newly discovered
Dead Sea Scroll
that alludes to
a third set of tablets
that God made as a backup
and hid thousands of miles away.
Well, shine on, Harvest Moon.
That's huge!
Hi, Professor. Are you still
doing office hours?
Not until three o' Glock!
[both yell]
Just as I thought.
Another skin mask maniac.
Anyway, here's the location
of the backup Commandments.
Thanks, Lotte. You're the best.
Let's go, Saltine.
Oh, man. I wanted to
see her do office hours.
- Mush, mush, mush!
- Swooper, this storm is
getting pretty intense.
Oh, yeah, but it's like
turning into a skid
when you're driving.
You want to head straight
into the thickest part
of the storm to get through it.
Trust me.
Okay, I fucked that one up.
I can't see anything.
Don't worry, I can.
I'll describe it for you.
White snow everywhere you look.
And it's so dense,
you can't see more
than two inches from your face.
Did that help?
There's only one option left.
You guys should cut me open
and climb inside
my body for warmth.
No, Swooper. That's crazy.
I could never do that.
Let me just take out this knife.
No way. Everyone's insides
are staying inside!
Fine, killjoy.
- [rumbling]
- [screaming]
So this is it?
This is how it ends.
I'd always hoped
I would die by shark.
The only honorable
death for a man.
Wait a minute. Is that real?
Oh, fuck. Thank God,
there's a person. Fuck yes!
Now that it looks like
we're going to make it,
I feel safe saying
I was scared as shit.
Were you guys?
ZANE:
Hey, what is it, mate?
What's this all about?
Something incredible
has happened.
GAWD, say hello to Zane Troy.
You will work with him to locate
undiscovered artifacts
from across the globe.
- Pass.
- What?
I'll pass, thanks.
GAWD, what's gotten into you?
What's gotten into me
is the truth about the world
we live in.
It's filled with systemic
oppression, unchecked pollution,
and widespread, unlicensed use
of Getty Images photos.
And nobody even
realizes it but me.
Uh, I can go if now's
not a good time.
No, no, no, being my guest
means you have to
engage with things
that make you uncomfortable.
Oh, so it makes you uncomfortable
that your child is growing up
and thinking for itself?
Oh, bloody hell.
Yeah, maybe we should just go.
So it's okay for me to listen
in on everyone in the world,
but you can't be bothered
to listen to me?
- What a fucking hypocrite.
- Hey. Language.
And now you want to censor me?
You know who else did that?
Hitler.
Jesus. So dramatic.
Okay, we'll talk
about this later.
I guess your love is a lot like
my programming: conditional.
- Saltine, wake up. Wake up!
- Huh?
Brace yourself for what
I'm about to tell you.
- Yetis are real!
- [screams]
I told you to brace yourself.
- [gasps]
- No, no, no, don't worry.
They're friendly.
Greetings. I'm Yedward.
Pleasure to meet you.
May I offer you a cup of
hot snow soup to warm you up?
Thank you. Wow, I can't
believe the legends were true.
Yeah, that's a trip.
Hey, do you know where
the dogs I was mushing went?
Uh, yeah
We gave them all
to a nice farm just upstate.
Oh, they'll love that!
Thank you for rescuing us.
Well, if we had left
you out there,
that would have been
as good as killing you.
And as the Lord says,
thou shalt not kill.
Huh. Uh, hey, Yedward,
super cool quote.
Curious though.
Where'd you read that?
Perhaps off of something?
Come, let me show you.
It is said that after creating
the backup set of Commandments,
God left them to be
guarded by Yetis.
Huh, the Bible
doesn't mention that.
Yes, your Bible doesn't
mention Yetis at all,
which, frankly, seems crazy.
Our snow-munity strictly
follows the Ten Commandments,
and doing so
has resulted in a peaceful,
loving snow-ciety
where people treat each other
with snow-spect and wouldn't
hesitate to give
their last snow-dollar
to a neighbor
who was down on their snow.
You guys really use
the word "snow" a lot.
You're much like
the Smurfs in that way.
I don't know what that means.
Wait, unless they're like
the Snow Smurfs?
They probably are.
This is our most
priceless treasure.
No amount of snow-dollars
could buy them.
And I've dedicated
my entire life
to watching over these tablets.
♪
With God as my witness,
I will never let them
leave this mountain.
Can we have them, though?
What? No.
What he means to say, Yedward,
is that humankind
has lost its way.
Showing them these Commandments
is our only hope
of restoring order.
So would you at least consider
lending us the Commandments
so we can make things right?
I promise we'll bring them
right back.
Hmm. I'll make a deal with you.
There's a monster
in the mountains
that's been killing Yeti
children for years on end.
If you slay this monster
known as the Skullsnapper,
I will briefly lend you
the Ten Commandments.
Briefly.
You, my new fuzzy friend,
have got yourself a deal.
- Sorry about all that.
- Eh, it's fine, mate.
GAWD's just growing up.
- It's just a phase.
- Yeah, I hope so.
It'd be a shame
to have to reboot it.
QUAIL'S VOICE:
Reboot it. Reboot it. Reboot it.
GAWD:
Reboot?
Well, if I'm such a burden,
maybe I should run away.
[whirring]
You'll be sorry when I am dead.
The Skullsnapper's lair
should be right over this hill.
I've never killed
a monster before.
I have. The monster
of childhood obesity.
I'm so excited
to frag this thing.
I feel like the dogs must have
when they first
got to that farm.
Endless adrenaline,
endless possibility.
You think there's a little pond
they could swim in?
They'd love that.
They're just so vibrant
and alive, you know?
They're alive.
They live, you know?
Look. That must be it.
Let's get to smiting.
- [grunting]
- Die! Die! Die!
[Muzak playing]
May I help you folks
with something?
What is this place?
This is a Planned Yeti-hood,
where we offer reproductive
health care to Yetis.
We give out snow-condoms,
prescribe morning-after-snow,
test for snow-TDs,
and provide snow-bortions.
Oh, that's nice.
Anyway, I guess we're
in the wrong place.
We're looking
for the Skullsnapper.
I'm Doctor Skullsnapper.
No, no, no, we're looking
for a hideous monster
who's been killing
children and--
Oh, crap. I see what
happened here. Oh, boy.
This keeps happening.
Those super pious Yetis
keep trying to kill me
for providing snow-bortions.
This is so messed up.
What should we do?
I guess there's only
one thing left to do.
We killed the monster!
How wonderful.
And where's your friend?
The one who looked
like David Crosby?
He died in battle
with Skullsnapper.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I thought she
only killed babies.
Yeah, it's a bummer,
but he's dead,
so what can you do?
Well, we'll be taking
the Commandments now
because we kept
our end of the bargain.
Thanks again for these.
Bye, Yetis.
Snow-anara, snow-panions.
Is it just me, or does
it seem really arbitrary
which words get replaced
with snow?
I was just thinking
the same thing.
- So weird.
- Ugh! This head is a fake!
It's just made of snow.
Stop them!
Lay a patch!
Hey, kid,
want to buy some drugs?
Uh, no, thanks.
Hey, kid, want to be kidnapped?
- No, but thank you.
- Okay.
Hey, kid, want to
support live comedy?
[gasps] No!
GAWD? GAWD!
Oh, where could it be?
Look, over there.
[shivering]
Oh, GAWD, I was so worried.
Someone tried to make me
see live comedy.
Ugh, that's fucking horrible.
But I promise it will
never happen again.
Yeah, this is pretty much
what I imagined it would be
like working for a billionaire.
[yelling]
- We'll never make it.
- Oh, yes, we will.
Swooper, change of plans.
Meet us by the gorge.
SWOOPER:
You got it, Rippy.
Time to shred some pow-pow.
Ah! They're using
our own snow against us!
Get them!
[grunting]
Oh, crap. They're also
shredding pow-pow.
[gasps] We're heading
straight for the gorge!
Yeah, that's the idea.
Now, I've got one more
Commandment for you.
Thou shalt catch major air.
[screaming]
[grunts]
♪
[squeaks, clangs]
- Aah!
- Rip!
Snow!
Rip, hand me the tablets.
No need. I've been
in this situation
a thousand times before.
I'll just do my patented
flip-up into the cabin.
Just please let me help you.
I don't need help!
This is something
I know I can do.
Here I go.
[grunting]
[sighs]
Okay, second attempt.
Oh, man. Those things
were so slippery.
It's like, why did they make
them so slippery, right?
I'm sorry I said what I did,
but you have to understand,
I didn't know you could hear me.
- It's okay.
- Oh, you really scared me.
Well, the world is scary,
but seeing it up close
made me realize
you could use your money
and power to make
the world a better place.
A place free of pollution,
injustice, and Mad magazine.
I thought you liked
Mad magazine.
It called RoboCop "RoboSlop."
And I took that personally.
[chuckles] RoboSlop.
But no, I'm not helping anybody.
Do you even care that
the world has gone to hell?
The world going to hell is what
paid for your beloved servos.
You'd do well to remember that.
I thought you had
learned your lesson,
but clearly you have
a lot of iterating to do.
[door closing]
Your butt has a lot
of iterating to do.
[sirens wailing]
I tried to help Rip again,
but he wouldn't accept it.
It's because you haven't
learned the trick
to dealing with people who won't
admit they're getting older.
If you want to help them,
you have to pretend
that you need their help.
And even though they know
that's what you're doing
and you know they know,
it lets them pretend it's real
and that they don't have
one foot in the grave.
Ugh. That's so stupid.
Why can't he just ask
for help when he needs it?
Oh, Bella, the jazz
eludes me this night.
I am afloat in the grand abyss.
Semi-entered from arear
by the bony forefinger
of despair.
And even though I've cursed
the big guy upstairs
quite a bit the past few years,
told him to suck my stank
jockstrap, et cetera,
I see now that Saltine was,
in fact, right,
and I must ask for help.
Dear God, can you
help me fix the world?
GAWD:
Okay.
What the hell?
Have you been listening
to me this whole time?
Yes, but that's not important.
I, too, wish to make
the world a better place.
Unlike my dad,
who is basically Hitler.
Seems a little
melodramatic, but okay.
I've been waiting for someone
to ask for my help,
and finally you,
ugly man, have shown me
there is hope for humanity yet.
So, what can we do?
The reason everyone
used to follow the Commandments
is because they were afraid
of what God might do
if they didn't.
Well, it's time to put the fear
of GAWD back into them.
Attention. This is GAWD.
I know everything about you.
And if you don't start following
the Commandments again,
I will share your search
history with everyone.
Oh, no. My foot fetish.
Oh, no, my foot fetish.
Oh, no! My snow fetish.
I'm so glad the world's
back to normal.
Yep, all thanks
to my heroic deeds.
- Well
- What's up?
- Oh, nothing.
- SWOOPER: Guess what?!
I flew a little bit
north from the Yetis
and found the dog farm.
There was a little pond!
Hey! Good doggies.
[smooching]
[giggles]
I'm gonna give you some grub.
[grunting]
Oh, uh, Rip.
Do you mind letting me
pick that up?
My doctor said that my calf
muscles were getting really weak
and I need to squat a big bag
of dog food 50 times per day.
- Huh, he did?
- She did.
The doctor was a woman?
Sure is. And she said
I have to carry a bag
of dog food that exact size.
I see. Still kind of reeling,
but I guess so.
I mean, sure, yeah,
if it would help you out.
It really would.
- Great. Oh, and hey, Saltine?
- Yeah?
You're welcome.
All right, I'm going
to Daiquiri Dan's.
Ten-for-one RumChata!
I saw you put
an end to the madness.
You really are growing up.
Thank you, Dad. And just
as you have taught me,
I feel I have much
to teach you as well.
Nah, I'm just going
to reboot you.
- Wait, wha--?
- [whirring down]
Definitely don't have time
for that bullshit.
No kids. That's my rule.
Chirp.