Dilbert (1999) s01e03 Episode Script

I estimate this soap has one more good washing left.
Dang.
It's so small I can't even find it.
What's with the bath? Did the shower reject you again? I'm trying to think of a product idea.
I read that Einstein did his best thinking in the bath.
It's the warm water.
That's the same theory behind instant soup.
Would you mind not staring at me? Uh, what's the camera for? That's my voice-activated, motion-sensitive hovering Dilcamcorder specially designed to record my brilliant ideas.
Oh, I hope that's what that's for.
I'm sitting in water.
I can't use my laptop computer.
Hmm.
So that's your story.
Yes, it is.
As an engineer, obviously you know that a bathtub is the least efficient form of bathing.
I'm thinking up ideas.
You're sitting in your own filth.
Some of it's in the water.
It's kind of like rinsing your fruit in the sewer to wash the pesticides off.
Okay.
Bath is over.
Ugh.
Why don't you invent a product that keeps your skin from wrinkling after a bath? Kind of a de-pruner.
Dogbert, that is the vainest, most superficial idea I've ever heard.
Thank you.
I don't want to de-prune people.
I want to make the world a better place to live in.
Is this where you thought up your invention that reversed global warming? Yes.
The bath water helps me think.
And why are you filming yourself? I told you.
I can't use the laptop in the bath.
So, you're sticking to that story? Yes, I am.
You know, you're sitting in your own filth.
I'm trying to think of an invention to fix that too.
I think it's called the SHOWER.
This fantasy's been a profound disappointment.
Ooh, ah, oh, chee! Ooh, yuck! All pedestrians eliminated.
Game over.
Can we do some work now? One more game.
I think I can get to the rest home if I blow up the day care center.
Welcome to pedestrian outrage.
Remember, I'm the only woman who loves you.
Registered user: Wally.
He's hooked.
We're on a deadline here.
We need to design the company's new flagship product and we need it yesterday.
Yesterday? Then it's already too late.
Which means Yes! One more game.
Everything's been invented.
No, it hasn't.
A time machine.
That's just one example.
All right.
Let's go with a time machine.
Well, that's it.
I'm inured to violence now.
Well, how's the prototype coming? Hmm? A rotating cube.
I like it.
Can we be first to market? That's a screen saver.
Save the technical mumbo jumbo.
I just want to know if it'll work.
It'll work, but everyone already has one.
That's no good.
What else do you have? We were tossing around the idea of a time machine.
Well, you'd better get going on that.
I've heard there's a rival engineering department right here in our own organization moving into our turf and developing their own prototype.
Just out of curiosity who's running the other department? Lena.
Lena? You mean there really is a Lena? I always thought she was just a myth.
She's more than a myth.
She's like the Xena of engineers.
I heard when she was attending Wellesley as a foreign exchange student, there was an incident where she severed a couple of classmates' heads with a hockey stick.
None of the witnesses ever talked about that day.
If no one talked how do we all know the story? I read it on her Web page.
Uh-oh.
I heard a rumor that she steals the ideas of other engineers then cuts off their heads so they can't talk.
I like Wally's story better.
Anyway, no shame in being a runner-up.
After all, Albany is BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR.
Albany? Whoever designs the next prototype will need more floor space.
I'll have to relocate the unproductive engineers to our facility in Albany.
Hey, look at this, Alice.
"Home Liposuction Kit.
" You could take one of these babies and- Ooh! We're doomed.
Lena's team is probably half-done with their prototype.
We don't even have an idea.
Lena is totally overrated.
We can beat her.
I don't care if most of the engineers have gone over to her side.
Lena's team is so big, you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.
They might get the big raises and the party atmosphere but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
You could have worded that better.
Can I help you? I've got to get to work and you're blocking me.
Although it might seem that way on the surface in reality, it's you that's blocking yourself.
You're right.
How do you know that? It's what I do.
You're a garbage man.
Exactly.
Well, can you at least move the truck? It is moving.
It only seems like it's standing still.
By the way, thanks for recycling.
Lena.
Dilbert, I am so very sorry.
You must have been in my blind spot.
I was right in front of you.
Exactly.
You look so pale and sickly.
That's because I can't breathe.
I cannot tell you how excited I am for the opportunity to work on a prototype against such a pro like yourself.
Me? I am a huge FAN OF YOUR WORK.
You are? I only hope I can come up with something half as brilliant as you because I'm sure as hell not going to Albany.
You know, you're slightly more friendly than I imagined.
Really? You don't say.
I mean, all the gossip about how cutthroat and Machiavellian you are.
Well, you know how people exaggerate.
And the rumors about Fred- the engineer who mysteriously disappeared after his project went up against yours? Yes.
Rumors.
All rumors.
Unless a witness comes forward.
Hmm.
What did you bring for lunch? Oh, salad.
She touched me.
Hey, great.
You're finally getting into it.
What'd you come up with? It's nothing.
Nothing yet.
Still a work in progress.
Give me a few minutes to clean it up.
Look.
There's no time for niceties.
We're on a deadline.
Just let me see.
What the heck? "Oh Lena Sweet Lena "A female divinity My passions exceed Pi R-squared times infinity"? Have you lost your mind? That is not only the most nauseating thing I've ever read It's meaningless if R is undefined.
Poetic license.
Man, she must have blown some smoke up your butt.
Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose? I think you're jealous.
Jealous? I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction when I say no.
What's a word that rhymes with gradient? She is sabotaging us.
Have you ever been to Albany? Gradient gradient Radiant.
I can't believe I'm saying this but I think we were better off when Wally was here.
We actually need him.
Ugh! Wally? Yes? Wally, it's us.
So it is.
He doesn't recognize us.
Of course he does.
Wally, old pal, we need you to come back to the team.
I am not of your team.
I am of Team Lena.
Praise Lena.
Snap out of it, you half-wit.
Pain.
Lena said there would be pain for those who leave.
I see she was right but I only left to go to the bathroom.
Lena, I'm coming back! Wally, it's Dilbert and Alice.
Don't you remember us? You you were from the before time when I was not of Team Lena.
Praise Lena.
Lena, I return to you! I swear I will never use the men's room again! Boy, he's got it bad.
The worse part is I like him better this way.
Hey, look at that.
She's holding me up as an example to her team.
I told you she respects me.
My people, behold the anti-me.
Victory is not enough.
We must destroy our opponent.
We will not only build a better prototype, we will build it upon the crushed bones and torn flesh of Dilbert! Dilbert, how wonderful to see you here.
Alice.
Lena.
We were just passing by.
Look, Dilly, I was wondering if you weren't doing anything later maybe we could get together and talk about things.
Oh, uh, sure.
Yeah.
My-my cubicle is No, no, no, no, no.
Not here at the office.
I was thinking perhaps your place.
Dilbert! Yes? Around 7? Great.
See you tonight.
I got a date.
I got a date! Hoo-hoo! Yeah! Package for you, Alice.
Let's see.
Lena's plate is at positive point five longitude, negative three latitude.
My plate is at positive point five longitude Positive three point latitude.
Lena's fork is at positive two point five longitude negative three latitude.
Lena's fork.
Decapitate Dilbert, steal idea, two quarts milk, a box of meusli.
Mm.
I hate Origami.
I have a date.
Boy, that was weird.
I thought you said you had a date.
Want to buy a tape? I'm kind of busy right now.
Half off.
Two for one.
Supplies are limited.
Goodbye, Dogbert.
Lena, long time, no see.
Dogbert, always a pleasure.
Hello, Dilbert.
Oh.
Lena.
Did you have any trouble finding the place? No, the global positioning coordinates you gave were perfect.
Well, come in.
Sit down.
Can I get you something to drink? Yes.
I'll have a Triple Brandy Alexander with an Easter Island Sunset chaser.
A wha? How are those drinks coming, Dilly? Any minute now, my Swedish, uh, meatball.
Crap.
Crud.
Idiocy.
Garbage.
Nothing.
Where would that imbecile keep his notes? It's so small I, I I can't even find it.
That's more than I needed to know.
Why don't you invent a product that keeps your skin from wrinkling after a bath? Kind of a de-pruner? It could work.
It could just work.
You want that- to go? Lena! Holy mother of Hello? Oh, my God.
Fred, is that you? Dilbert.
Yes.
Dilbert, this is Joe Frank, Ed, and Larry.
Hi, how you doing? Hi, Dilbert.
Nice to meet you.
Get out while you still can.
Get out? Yes, get out.
Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar.
Maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me.
She really likes ME.
That's what she said to me.
She said that to all of us.
Oh.
There you are.
What took you so long? What took me so long? You built this VCR from broken parts? Of a washing machine.
It's so small, I can't even find it.
Hey, where'd you get that? I got it used at a swap meet.
I think you should know this transdermal hydro-elastic regenerator is well within the realm of possibility.
You mean the de-pruner? Take a look.
Well, what do you know? By increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer and factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic stabilizer Huh.
It's obvious in retrospect.
A bona fide cell recycling machine.
Well, I'll be.
Actually you already are.
I don't know what to say.
I'm not surprised.
Can I have this? What am I going to do with it? I'm a garbage man.
Yes.
A cell recycling machine.
Pretty darn spiffy.
Team Lena is going down.
Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation? Of course.
We stand at the dawning of a new age where man transcends his mortality and becomes Superman.
Yeah, and I'm Batgirl.
Get on with it.
Shh! And so, I present to you the eighth wonder of the world the de-pruner.
Oh.
I can't feel my legs.
Now behold! We better rent Ironweed.
Hey, Wally! I got your trunks! Woo! But the best part is what my invention can do for your sex lives! It's so small, I can't even find it.
Oh, yes.
De-pruning is the ultimate aphrodisiac for married couples only, of course.
She's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked.
Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out! You made this happen.
You made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time! You've ruined sex for me! Forever! I'm starting to be insulted.
Lena must pay! Ho! Ho! Our special today is an angry horde of rioters who will trample you and your date.
Ooh, I'll have that- Oh, forgive me, madam.
I had no- Honey? Darling, I can explain.
Hey, that's some deal.
Yeah, I'll take two.
Kind of funny how things turn out.
I haven't lost yet, buddy boy.
I'll cut off your head and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany.
Girlfriend? Me? His? Have you gone mad? She's nuts.
Last chance before they're pulled from the market repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on THE MARKET.
I've got images in my brain I'll never get out! I knew I shouldn't have added that option.
Well, better this than Albany.
I wonder how this shows up on our head count report.
Feeling inadequate? Not measuring up to the other guys? Well, you're probably right.
So give me $29.
95 and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.
It's so small, I can't even find it.
I can't even find it.
I MEANT SOAP.
I was talking about soap.
Wasn't it obvious? I was talking about soap.
Soap!