Dinnerladies (1998) s01e03 Episode Script
Scandal
1
Slowly release the pressure
and back to the tapping.
Oh, is this your full fat day? Oh, it could be if I call Wednesday semi-skimmed.
In fact if I call today Saturday I could have a kit kat.
It's a load of codswash, dieting.
All that misery for what? You could fall under a bus tomorrow.
I could.
You wouldn't fit under a bus.
It would have to be jacked up.
I'm not cursed with hips fortunately.
We've come a long way, me and my hips.
Hmm.
Talk about "contents may have settled in transit.
" What're you reading Twink? Survey.
Good knob guide.
Let's have a look.
Blimey, I thought you meant furniture or summat.
Now I'm sanding down an old blanket box.
I could do with an unusual knob.
I don't think you want one of them on your blanket box, Dolly.
TV weather girl Irina shows us around a converted sauce factory.
Well, it might give me some ideas.
Oh, honestly! Oh, I can't even look.
I thought you said it was knobs.
What is it? Oh, no, I'm not letting you see it.
Could set your marriage guidance back months.
You know Keith told her I needed to make more of an effort in bed.
I'm not surprised if you spend the whole time reading Catherine Cookson.
I don't! Well not the whole time.
Anything out of the ordinary happens, I pop in a bookmark.
Is Catherine Cookson the one on the telly? And it's all lovely and old-fashioned and they go round in carriages.
No, that's Jane Austen.
If they're in carriages and the bosoms are like just under the chins that's Jane Austen.
Catherine Cookson, there'll be like a horse and cart, and they get pregnant a lot, and chop the heads off mackerel.
And it's raining and the bosoms will be a lot lower.
And the Jane Austin ones, are they Shakespeare? No, there's Dickens.
Are you thinkin' of Dickens? If they're all like covered in warts and they go "Oh, Mr.
Wizzigog", that's Dickens.
Shakespeare, that's BBC Two, and they have like robes on and they never sit down and they run on.
You never seen 'em? I don't know.
Yeah they run on.
"What is it you?" " Oh the Duke of Widdlibob's done such and such, and such a body's fell downstairs in her nightie, okay, fair enough, off you go.
" That's Shakespeare.
It's good.
She's a millionaire now this weather girl Irina.
Just for pointing at some low cloud over Derby.
It's like those fat ladies that cook.
Oh, what are they called? They're fat ladies.
There's two of them? Two Fat Ladies.
That's them, I couldn't think what they were called.
Oh, and they're very ill groomed, standing there with their kirby grips dangling over a bit of wood cock.
What cock? It's a brew there.
Uh, now.
Message from Philippa.
Did anyone see that series on telly about binmen? Ah, with Edward Woodward? That were brilliant.
No.
And did you know, he was married to that woman out of thingy bob, "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em"? What d'you mean, 'ave 'em? No.
You know it goes under a lorry and rollerskates.
Mr.
Bean.
No, not Mr.
Bean.
Bren! - Mr.
Pastry? - No, Phantom of the Opera.
Bren! Not that series.
Shut up.
There has just been a series on television about binmen, real binmen.
Nothing to do with Edward piggin' Woodward.
Real people.
Documentary.
- Oh, I know.
- Oh yeah.
And the people who made it, God help them, want to come and have a look around the factory.
To make a programme about us! I don't know.
Get the phones Bren, I'm having a fag.
- Tony! - No.
- Oh I left them on 't table.
- No.
So we might be on the television.
If they make a docusoap about us, I could become a celebrity.
Yeah, like that girl that trips up on that discussion programme.
She's in here.
Look! Trips up once on television and now she's seen here relaxing in the Seychelles, in lycra flat-fronted trousers £89.
99, with her boyfriend Olive.
Clive.
I might have my own slimming programme if our docusoap takes off.
There will be no docusoap.
You are sad women.
What have you done to that lettuce? Chopped it! You've pulverised it.
It's had it.
That's not a salad bowl, that's a hospice.
I hear the toilet paper dispenser's playing up again.
Yeah, you tug and you only get one piece.
Well, that's not adequate, you see.
It's supposed to be three sheets per tug.
It'll be the tension on my spindle nuts.
I said that.
I'll loosen them off.
- Is there anybody in there? ALL: No.
Male maintenance operative entering female relief premises for nut adjustment.
What's he doing? He's adjusting his nuts.
Fair enough.
Bren, Bren! Can I just pop into the toilet a minute with Clint? Nothing sordid, we're just Come on lover! Bren, if you have a minute, two black coffees.
Bren, was that your mother? That just went in the toilet with that boy? Yeah.
Are you Brenda? Bren! Yeah.
Answer me one question, love.
Where's my Clint? Sorry? He's living with your mother, isn't he, in that caravan.
He needs to come home love, he gets constipated.
Look I don't see it very often.
She parks it in different places.
I've got water around the heart.
I've had to have my rings cut off.
I should be in Lanzorote today.
What's going on? He's all I've got.
My daughter's in Saudi.
I just want to talk to him.
My ankles are like this.
I can only wear moon boots.
What's the problem? How's he gonna cope in the caravan? He's used to a through-lounge.
I've gone up a bra size.
It's all water.
Tell me about it outside love, okay? That's it.
Out we go.
He's just had trainers for 98 pounds.
What's the toilet situation? Only I've got a semi operative dispenser spindle in there.
All right.
Show's over.
- Can I have a word, Bren? - Yeah.
Who are you? Is he with you Stan? He's not.
- He came in with my mother.
- Eh? Did you do those coffees, Bren? Hang about! Now, I like strange women shouting the odds and a staff toilet full of mad people.
That's better than the game of snooker to me.
But what is going on? What was that all about and who is he? Do excuse me.
I'm Bren's mother, Petula Gordino.
And this is Clint.
- Clint? - My fiancé.
Clint's mother's a bit stressed by our engagement.
So we're going to Barcelona.
Let her cool off.
I think Clint's going to be very stimulated by the architecture.
But until his passport comes through, I wondered if I could just park the caravan by the back stairs there? Now, who do we need to ring? Come on Clinty! You haven't forgotten the researcher's coming.
The docusoap.
No, we're all really excited.
So am I actually.
On the QT.
Did you see that one about undertakers? Erh Oh, it was really funny when he kept saying "I'm screwing the lid down now.
" That's all he said, "I'm screwing the lid down now.
" He's given up undertaking, he does quiz shows.
Did Stan manage to tow your mother's caravan round? Yeah, it's on the back by his bins.
JEAN: Morning.
DOLLY: Hello.
PHILIPPA: Hello.
Is she here? The researcher? Mr.
Michael's waiting outside with her.
Anybody here with no clothes on? Oh, you missed it again.
Which bra is it Jean? The grey one with the gaffer tape? Hi Twink! Shut up Bren, I'm wrecked.
Look! Could I just have a quick word with everybody about the docusoap? I do know they're looking for an upbeat feel.
And I see you as quite a sparky bunch.
Oh, we are! There of course it's not just the canteen she's looking at.
There's Packing.
ALL: Ohhh.
Is it Harold who's supposed to have a bit of a party piece? All he does is struggle to force the theme tune from Cagney & Lacey out of his Bottom? No.
Out of his ocarina I was trying to say.
Bottom! How could somebody get a tune out of their bottom? There speaks a woman who's never gone camping.
Remember.
Up, jolly, haha! Let's go for it! Here we are.
This is Hannah.
Jolly good.
Hello.
Philippa.
We spoke on the phone.
Moorcroft.
And these are the girls.
Hello! Oh, sorry.
There's Tony the manager.
Not a girl.
Right.
So what sort of goes on here then? Oh, there's tons happening, isn't there? There's the breadman.
Norman.
Cos we have like this bread order, and sometimes like it's not correct.
Li.
.
Like it doesn't tally.
You know, I was supposed to get a load of .
- Granary torpedos.
- Yeah.
And we never get them.
We get like wholemeal pittas.
And you say to him, Norman, why'd you give me wholemeal pittas, Norman? And what does he say? Well, he doesn't say anything usually, does he? He's just usually says like it were a mistake or something, don't he? Anyway, sorry.
This is Bren, Dolly, Jean, Twinkle.
All real characters.
- And me.
- Oh, sorry.
Anita.
And Anita's ethnic.
So.
.
? So that's doubled your audience.
And this is Stan.
Pro tem running repairs.
Hello.
I'm not meaning to blow my own instrument, but I have to say, some mornings without me I doubt there'll be toast.
Oh God, I adore toast! So you've got like your own toaster? - It's an EK 727.
- Right.
Now (DOOR BANGS) (SINK TAP WATER RUNNING) (PASSES WIND) (PASSES WIND AGAIN) Won't be long Bren.
It's only a blood test.
See you.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm still a bit awkward about my mother still being here.
Can I have 12 rounds of white? Yeah, hang on.
Are you going to put them on the telly then? I don't know yet.
Depends on Bren.
What's that? You know she's got her mother shacked up by the bins here with a 16-year-old boy.
Never.
It's only like Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.
Not very nice for the filming Bren.
Breaking wind in a food preparation area.
I don't think Mia Farrow would have done that.
Tell her to go Bren.
We can't have her caught on camera Bren.
I don't want to present myself against a background of underaged sex and trapped wind.
SHELAGH: She's here, isn't she? You lying Tripe Hound.
There's a queue here.
I'm on 13 types of tablets.
I know that caravan's here.
I've had it followed.
My niece was in the military police.
She's been all round 'ere in an unmarked Vauxhall.
Let me at her, I want her to give him up.
Don't flipping call me names.
She's a grown woman.
Do you know what I mean.
You might not like the idea of her jumping your son's bones in a five berth caravan, but let's face facts, you can't stop her.
I can stop her.
I'm on my limit lady and I've nothing to lose.
I've got high blood pressure and water retention.
Do you know what that gives you? Boiling water? It gives you a reckless edge.
I can only wear men's trousers and there's not a jury in the land that wouldn't take my side.
Where's that caravan? Let me at it.
No, no.
That is my bin and skip area.
You make a move towards it and there'll be a sore point all round.
Now, you can leave in a dignified pattern as besuits the female persuasion, or I can bleep for security, who are trained to remove women by the elbow.
Pick your potato! Right.
Daughter of a scum.
Tell your mother We are picketing this factory till that trollop comes out and faces me face to face.
I'm phoning the papers, I'm phoning the television.
We are gonna be outside those gates night and day until she comes out.
And when she does, she's dead meat.
And a strawberry yoghurt.
WOMAN ON TV: Now in it's fifth day, the factory siege shows no sign of coming to an end.
(TV CONTINUES): Clint's mother said she will continue to picket the factory (TV CONTINUES) till glamorous gran Petula Gordino agrees to a meeting.
(TURNS OFF TV) It's getting crazy out there.
Are you okay? Did you get in all right? Only just.
Only cos Stan was waiting for me, he got hold of my arm and yanked me through.
It is, is getting silly.
What's that Bren? Oh, sorry.
I think it's a teddy.
Is it? Can't see Christopher Robbin draggin' that upstairs.
I mean, what is he at, that Clint? No offence to your mum, but he's 16.
He should be trying the doors on parked cars.
He don't want to be shacked up with a woman old enough to remember Maigret.
Plus the bloomin' factory's nearly ground to a halt.
Oh, we've started.
All right Norman? Bren! Do you want to do Kilroy? Mothers who have let their daughters down? No.
- They'll send a Peugeot.
- BREN: No.
You got your last loaves off me.
Look! You just have to force your way through like I did.
I'm agoraphobic you know.
I fell off a diving board in Guernsey! It's like a pack of hyenas out there.
And I were photographed.
If I get my face in't paper, that could be a bit awkward for me, could that.
Why? Are you a bigamist or something Norman? Technically, I am actually.
But anyway.
That's it.
No more bread till it's all over.
Goin' well Bren.
No veg, now no bread.
Milk's not come either.
I'm taking one of these, okay? I'm having such fun.
It's been a fantastic five days for me.
The girls are here.
Stan's helping them out of the car.
Clint's mother's got that placard.
"Killer Hore From Hell"? Do you think somebody'd tell her it starts with a W? [PHONE RINGING.]
STAN: All right.
Here we go.
That's it.
We're in! We're OK! Now everybody sit down.
I can't take much more.
She nearly had my sunroof in.
Two of those reporters came to the front door last night.
Yeah, three rang me up.
I tripped over two on't doorstep this morning.
Dolly! Do you want to do Kilroy? Can osteoporosis affect driving concentration? - Claire Rayner and Lorraine Chase.
- No! I don't see how they're gonna resolve this? Well, we need an ombudsman.
We need something.
This is gettin' beyond the Twink: Doo-dah.
Do you want to do Kilroy? Impotence, the new celibacy.
With Miriam Stoppard and Harold Pinter.
Oh, no.
Can we have eight coffee and four tea and a box of biscuits? And can the lids have cups? I mean, can the cups have lids? Hello everybody! I didn't sleep very well last night.
Thermoses.
We've only got yesterday's milk.
Nevermind.
And a box of biscuits.
No, I said a box of biscuits, didn't I? It's for the press again.
Did I say lids? I'm worried about people getting scalded.
Can somebody bring them down to the main gate? We can't bring them.
It's a lynch mob.
Is Clint's mum still there? Yes! She's actually chained herself to the main gates now.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I'll get my slippers.
It's alright, the fire brigade are coming.
Oh, flip, what am I saying? So none of the lorries can get in or out.
Um I'll come back for the coffee.
Twink! Do you want to be on telly? Middle age workmates make me sick.
With Robert Kilroy bum crack? - Yeah.
- No.
She has.
She's chained herself to the gates.
Is that Carmel from Northern Roundup? Oh, she's loving this.
She normally only gets to interview people who make furniture out of conkers.
Oh, Mr.
Michael's out again trying to calm Clint's mother down.
- Oh, lovely.
- What? Spat at him.
Oh! Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting! The iceberg couldn't come soon enough once I saw that.
Have you got any foil Bren? I thought I might put in a few highlights.
Mum, she's chained herself to the main gates.
None of the lorries can get through now.
Has she? Oi!.
.
This is your doing! Jean, that rinse on your hair! Will you give me the name? Catherine Deneuve is after that sort of a shade.
I know.
Excuse me! I was nearly poked in the sun roof coming to work this morning.
I wish I could help.
You can damn well help.
It's you she's waiting for.
Anita! Do you want to do Kilroy? Multicultural breast implants.
With Naomi Campbell's mother and Mada Jaffrey.
Not really.
This is a strain for all of us, Jean.
Clint's feeling it.
We won't dwell on what Clint's feeling.
Thanks very much.
If you must have sexual impulses, why have you got to have them at the back of our bins? Mrs.
Gordino, I had no idea the situation would escalate in this way.
It's not just the press harassment, the crowds, the ill feeling, it's actually now affecting the factory.
We can't get the lorries in or out.
The fabricator on their way but she said she'll continue to chain herself to the gates till you come out.
She's a one-trick pony as little Art Garfunkel used to say.
Stunted imagination.
Clint says he had fish pie four nights out of seven.
Obviously nobody wants to turf you out.
It's very awkward.
But I really think we've got to ask you to leave.
Does anybody want to do friggin' poxy Kilroy, with Robert stupid up himself Silk? [ALL.]
: Noooo! Stan! What's the topic? How moping floors enlarged my organ! I don't know.
Mrs.
Gordino, I have a responsibility to my workers.
I can see that.
By hecky, you hoe a hard row and we respect you for it.
Look folks! I walk out through those gates this minute, but how will your firm look if she batters me to death, right in front of your logo? Oh, crikey Mikey! What do you think we should do Bren? Well, this is like a blooming torn between two lovers, this.
Do you know what I mean? I'm like torn between the factory and my mother.
I mean I love the factory, and as for me mother But I love the factory.
Don't blame Bren.
I've had postnatal disinterest for 40 years.
But even when you don't actually like someone you don't especially want them to get battered.
Thanks sweetheart.
If my mother doesn't leave, what's the upshot? How will we get the lorries in? What's gonna happen to the documentary? How can we carry on? We haven't even got any vegetables.
- It's not your fault Bren.
- I know.
I can't properly hose my bins with that caravan parked up.
I know.
- We have to move quickly.
- I know.
They always seem to sort these things out on those television shows, don't they? What? Well like on Oprah Winfrey.
They all put their points of view.
Look, if we get extra security No, listen! Anita's right.
That's what Shelagh wants.
She wants to have a say with everybody listening.
She wants a proper audience.
Could take days to get on that sort of show! No I mean do it here, now.
We got any blooming chairs.
- But who would - Get her from Northern Roundup, Carmel.
She'll be in like a shot.
I'll go now.
Brilliant Bren! Can she handle an in-depth emotional debate? Normally she only holds up gigantic onions! Yeah but it doesn't matter.
She's got a camera crew, she's here now.
That's all Shelagh wants, a little bit of fame.
Who was it who was on about 15 minutes of fame? Andy? - Pandy! - No Jean.
It was about 15 minutes Andy Pandy.
Rag, Tag, and Bobtail.
Uh! That was 15 minutes.
I'll just check that Shelagh's on her way up, Carmel.
Now, what about this lighting? Do I need to make love to you to put more lights on? There are no more lights! It's wattage per footage round here.
Anyway, I live with my dad.
He likes to play the ukulele till half past nine.
So, are you really going to Barcelona with Bren's mum? Suppose so.
I'm just doing it to annoy my mother really.
What's that? It's my prepared statement.
What's it say? If I'm old enough to drive a car, why can't make my own decisions, blah blah You're not old enough to drive a car, are you? Should I change it to moped? You won't catch me shacking up with an older! It's bad enough working with them.
Always on about sixpences and Pam Ayres and Rag, Tag and flippin' Bobtail.
Never mind "get a life", they've never had one.
And now they haven't got time to get one.
Petula reckoned we're like lovers in a previous existence.
Do you not believe in like reincarnation at the end of the before and you're like destined to be together.
No! What do you believe in? Don't have your tongue pierced cos it hurts when you say sausages.
And when you're buying trainers and they say "do you want the box?", don't have it.
Otherwise you end up with a load of boxes.
Them are cool.
- Yeah.
Gettin' the brown ones Saturday.
- They haven't got them.
They have.
He's just got them in.
I know the bottom with a lot of flash.
We err have Shelagh.
We're ready to go.
All right then.
Wide two Simon.
Hang on a minute.
Running up.
Any trouble, I'm in.
I've trained with the Paras.
My dad was a desert rat.
And speed! My son's fiancé is old enough to be his own grandmother.
That's the bizarre claim that has led Shelagh Openshaw to chain herself to the gates of HWD Components, in the fifth day of her protest.
And here is that fiancé Petula Gordino.
Petula! Carmel.
When Mia Farrow left Frank Sinatra, he got a bit of a thing for me.
On the rebound.
Typical Italian macho nonsense.
He was forever landing on my lawn in his helicopter.
It got silly, really.
You'd pull back the bedroom curtains and there'd be Frank's chopper.
But, I turned him down Carmel, and I'll tell you for why.
Because we weren't a true match.
And do you feel Clint and you are a true match? Oh, there's no question in my mind.
Our minds.
Our hearts.
Can you carry on? Our souls I was only asking! We're twin souls.
Can we have Shelagh to sit in, please? Shelagh, can I have your assurance that during this interview you won't harm Petula in anyway? I don't want to hurt anybody.
I'm on 13 types of tablets.
I've had to have me rings cut off.
I can only go to sleep on a deck chair.
Are you saying to Clint, give her up or else? No way Carmel, he's my son, and I love him.
And if she makes Clint happy, she makes me happy.
So, you'll actually welcome Petula into your home? With knobs on.
She's family, she's in.
She comes to stock car racing, she comes to Llandudno.
Well, let's hear from Clint.
Clint! Em he didn't actually want to come on telly, but he's got this thing he wanted me to read out.
Oh, we drafted a joint statement.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Dear Petula, sorry and all that, but I need to move on.
Thanks for the laughs.
Clint.
Dear Mum, I'll be home later.
If Pete rings, ask him about that jacket.
I have gone up town for them suede trainers.
Love Clint.
Reaction, Petula.
Well, how else could it have ended, Carmel? I opened his cage, and away he flew.
I took the risk and paid the price.
As Gérard Depardieu said to me that day in Deauville "What's the point in having a big nose if you can't jam a banana up it?" I thank you all so very much.
[LOW TONE.]
And, God bless.
[BREAKS WIND.]
And cut.
Them bloomin' journalists, we've never had our thermoses back.
I can't believe how quickly they all left once it was over.
Back to normality, Doll.
Can you stick around girls, Twink! Philippa is popping in with Hannah.
They're keen to go ahead with the filming apparently.
Can I have a word Bren? I can't be in the documentary.
- What? In case you are ill you mean? - Yeah.
I don't know what's going to happen.
Could be the okay, could be a load of treatment.
Well, they wouldn't film that.
That's just what they would film.
Well, tell 'em you don't want to do it.
They can't film without everyone's permission.
And be Mr.
Unpopular.
How would I get any work out of them after that? You know how they are.
On a bad day, it's like trying to fold gravy.
Tell 'em the real reason.
No, Bren.
They'd all be patting me on the head and knitting me balaclavas, wouldn't they? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Well, suppose I tell 'em I don't want to do it? - They'll kill you.
- Do you reckon? You'll lose a few friends, Bren.
Yeah.
Probably would.
Probably will.
Well, I'll just have to will, won't I.
Look, don't you worry about it.
You got enough to worry about.
Go and track down them thermoses.
I'll see how it's looking.
Cheers mate! So what do we reckon then about this docusoap thing, do you all want to go ahead? Yeah, we do.
And we don't want you messing it up again either.
I just wanted to say we're definitely going ahead.
[DOLLY.]
: Oh, good! But what we're looking for is the one sort of central character that the audience can sort of latch onto.
You had one in binmen, you had one in undertakers.
I'm screwing the lid down now.
Right.
I'm screwing the lid down now.
So, I'm really sorry, but it's really going to centre around one Oh, cripes.
One man.
Not Stan.
God, no.
I mean Stan's sweet, but he's sort of a waste of space.
Em, well Tony's not here.
You know, this man, I just love him.
He's fun, and he's down-to-earth and sort of a bit vulnerable.
Can I just What Hannah specially liked was him playing the theme tune from Cagney & Lacey on his ocarina.
Not Harry from Packing! The viewers will adore him.
I'm really sorry.
What are you grinning at? Nothing, I'm really disappointed.
Oh, is this your full fat day? Oh, it could be if I call Wednesday semi-skimmed.
In fact if I call today Saturday I could have a kit kat.
It's a load of codswash, dieting.
All that misery for what? You could fall under a bus tomorrow.
I could.
You wouldn't fit under a bus.
It would have to be jacked up.
I'm not cursed with hips fortunately.
We've come a long way, me and my hips.
Hmm.
Talk about "contents may have settled in transit.
" What're you reading Twink? Survey.
Good knob guide.
Let's have a look.
Blimey, I thought you meant furniture or summat.
Now I'm sanding down an old blanket box.
I could do with an unusual knob.
I don't think you want one of them on your blanket box, Dolly.
TV weather girl Irina shows us around a converted sauce factory.
Well, it might give me some ideas.
Oh, honestly! Oh, I can't even look.
I thought you said it was knobs.
What is it? Oh, no, I'm not letting you see it.
Could set your marriage guidance back months.
You know Keith told her I needed to make more of an effort in bed.
I'm not surprised if you spend the whole time reading Catherine Cookson.
I don't! Well not the whole time.
Anything out of the ordinary happens, I pop in a bookmark.
Is Catherine Cookson the one on the telly? And it's all lovely and old-fashioned and they go round in carriages.
No, that's Jane Austen.
If they're in carriages and the bosoms are like just under the chins that's Jane Austen.
Catherine Cookson, there'll be like a horse and cart, and they get pregnant a lot, and chop the heads off mackerel.
And it's raining and the bosoms will be a lot lower.
And the Jane Austin ones, are they Shakespeare? No, there's Dickens.
Are you thinkin' of Dickens? If they're all like covered in warts and they go "Oh, Mr.
Wizzigog", that's Dickens.
Shakespeare, that's BBC Two, and they have like robes on and they never sit down and they run on.
You never seen 'em? I don't know.
Yeah they run on.
"What is it you?" " Oh the Duke of Widdlibob's done such and such, and such a body's fell downstairs in her nightie, okay, fair enough, off you go.
" That's Shakespeare.
It's good.
She's a millionaire now this weather girl Irina.
Just for pointing at some low cloud over Derby.
It's like those fat ladies that cook.
Oh, what are they called? They're fat ladies.
There's two of them? Two Fat Ladies.
That's them, I couldn't think what they were called.
Oh, and they're very ill groomed, standing there with their kirby grips dangling over a bit of wood cock.
What cock? It's a brew there.
Uh, now.
Message from Philippa.
Did anyone see that series on telly about binmen? Ah, with Edward Woodward? That were brilliant.
No.
And did you know, he was married to that woman out of thingy bob, "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em"? What d'you mean, 'ave 'em? No.
You know it goes under a lorry and rollerskates.
Mr.
Bean.
No, not Mr.
Bean.
Bren! - Mr.
Pastry? - No, Phantom of the Opera.
Bren! Not that series.
Shut up.
There has just been a series on television about binmen, real binmen.
Nothing to do with Edward piggin' Woodward.
Real people.
Documentary.
- Oh, I know.
- Oh yeah.
And the people who made it, God help them, want to come and have a look around the factory.
To make a programme about us! I don't know.
Get the phones Bren, I'm having a fag.
- Tony! - No.
- Oh I left them on 't table.
- No.
So we might be on the television.
If they make a docusoap about us, I could become a celebrity.
Yeah, like that girl that trips up on that discussion programme.
She's in here.
Look! Trips up once on television and now she's seen here relaxing in the Seychelles, in lycra flat-fronted trousers £89.
99, with her boyfriend Olive.
Clive.
I might have my own slimming programme if our docusoap takes off.
There will be no docusoap.
You are sad women.
What have you done to that lettuce? Chopped it! You've pulverised it.
It's had it.
That's not a salad bowl, that's a hospice.
I hear the toilet paper dispenser's playing up again.
Yeah, you tug and you only get one piece.
Well, that's not adequate, you see.
It's supposed to be three sheets per tug.
It'll be the tension on my spindle nuts.
I said that.
I'll loosen them off.
- Is there anybody in there? ALL: No.
Male maintenance operative entering female relief premises for nut adjustment.
What's he doing? He's adjusting his nuts.
Fair enough.
Bren, Bren! Can I just pop into the toilet a minute with Clint? Nothing sordid, we're just Come on lover! Bren, if you have a minute, two black coffees.
Bren, was that your mother? That just went in the toilet with that boy? Yeah.
Are you Brenda? Bren! Yeah.
Answer me one question, love.
Where's my Clint? Sorry? He's living with your mother, isn't he, in that caravan.
He needs to come home love, he gets constipated.
Look I don't see it very often.
She parks it in different places.
I've got water around the heart.
I've had to have my rings cut off.
I should be in Lanzorote today.
What's going on? He's all I've got.
My daughter's in Saudi.
I just want to talk to him.
My ankles are like this.
I can only wear moon boots.
What's the problem? How's he gonna cope in the caravan? He's used to a through-lounge.
I've gone up a bra size.
It's all water.
Tell me about it outside love, okay? That's it.
Out we go.
He's just had trainers for 98 pounds.
What's the toilet situation? Only I've got a semi operative dispenser spindle in there.
All right.
Show's over.
- Can I have a word, Bren? - Yeah.
Who are you? Is he with you Stan? He's not.
- He came in with my mother.
- Eh? Did you do those coffees, Bren? Hang about! Now, I like strange women shouting the odds and a staff toilet full of mad people.
That's better than the game of snooker to me.
But what is going on? What was that all about and who is he? Do excuse me.
I'm Bren's mother, Petula Gordino.
And this is Clint.
- Clint? - My fiancé.
Clint's mother's a bit stressed by our engagement.
So we're going to Barcelona.
Let her cool off.
I think Clint's going to be very stimulated by the architecture.
But until his passport comes through, I wondered if I could just park the caravan by the back stairs there? Now, who do we need to ring? Come on Clinty! You haven't forgotten the researcher's coming.
The docusoap.
No, we're all really excited.
So am I actually.
On the QT.
Did you see that one about undertakers? Erh Oh, it was really funny when he kept saying "I'm screwing the lid down now.
" That's all he said, "I'm screwing the lid down now.
" He's given up undertaking, he does quiz shows.
Did Stan manage to tow your mother's caravan round? Yeah, it's on the back by his bins.
JEAN: Morning.
DOLLY: Hello.
PHILIPPA: Hello.
Is she here? The researcher? Mr.
Michael's waiting outside with her.
Anybody here with no clothes on? Oh, you missed it again.
Which bra is it Jean? The grey one with the gaffer tape? Hi Twink! Shut up Bren, I'm wrecked.
Look! Could I just have a quick word with everybody about the docusoap? I do know they're looking for an upbeat feel.
And I see you as quite a sparky bunch.
Oh, we are! There of course it's not just the canteen she's looking at.
There's Packing.
ALL: Ohhh.
Is it Harold who's supposed to have a bit of a party piece? All he does is struggle to force the theme tune from Cagney & Lacey out of his Bottom? No.
Out of his ocarina I was trying to say.
Bottom! How could somebody get a tune out of their bottom? There speaks a woman who's never gone camping.
Remember.
Up, jolly, haha! Let's go for it! Here we are.
This is Hannah.
Jolly good.
Hello.
Philippa.
We spoke on the phone.
Moorcroft.
And these are the girls.
Hello! Oh, sorry.
There's Tony the manager.
Not a girl.
Right.
So what sort of goes on here then? Oh, there's tons happening, isn't there? There's the breadman.
Norman.
Cos we have like this bread order, and sometimes like it's not correct.
Li.
.
Like it doesn't tally.
You know, I was supposed to get a load of .
- Granary torpedos.
- Yeah.
And we never get them.
We get like wholemeal pittas.
And you say to him, Norman, why'd you give me wholemeal pittas, Norman? And what does he say? Well, he doesn't say anything usually, does he? He's just usually says like it were a mistake or something, don't he? Anyway, sorry.
This is Bren, Dolly, Jean, Twinkle.
All real characters.
- And me.
- Oh, sorry.
Anita.
And Anita's ethnic.
So.
.
? So that's doubled your audience.
And this is Stan.
Pro tem running repairs.
Hello.
I'm not meaning to blow my own instrument, but I have to say, some mornings without me I doubt there'll be toast.
Oh God, I adore toast! So you've got like your own toaster? - It's an EK 727.
- Right.
Now (DOOR BANGS) (SINK TAP WATER RUNNING) (PASSES WIND) (PASSES WIND AGAIN) Won't be long Bren.
It's only a blood test.
See you.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm still a bit awkward about my mother still being here.
Can I have 12 rounds of white? Yeah, hang on.
Are you going to put them on the telly then? I don't know yet.
Depends on Bren.
What's that? You know she's got her mother shacked up by the bins here with a 16-year-old boy.
Never.
It's only like Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.
Not very nice for the filming Bren.
Breaking wind in a food preparation area.
I don't think Mia Farrow would have done that.
Tell her to go Bren.
We can't have her caught on camera Bren.
I don't want to present myself against a background of underaged sex and trapped wind.
SHELAGH: She's here, isn't she? You lying Tripe Hound.
There's a queue here.
I'm on 13 types of tablets.
I know that caravan's here.
I've had it followed.
My niece was in the military police.
She's been all round 'ere in an unmarked Vauxhall.
Let me at her, I want her to give him up.
Don't flipping call me names.
She's a grown woman.
Do you know what I mean.
You might not like the idea of her jumping your son's bones in a five berth caravan, but let's face facts, you can't stop her.
I can stop her.
I'm on my limit lady and I've nothing to lose.
I've got high blood pressure and water retention.
Do you know what that gives you? Boiling water? It gives you a reckless edge.
I can only wear men's trousers and there's not a jury in the land that wouldn't take my side.
Where's that caravan? Let me at it.
No, no.
That is my bin and skip area.
You make a move towards it and there'll be a sore point all round.
Now, you can leave in a dignified pattern as besuits the female persuasion, or I can bleep for security, who are trained to remove women by the elbow.
Pick your potato! Right.
Daughter of a scum.
Tell your mother We are picketing this factory till that trollop comes out and faces me face to face.
I'm phoning the papers, I'm phoning the television.
We are gonna be outside those gates night and day until she comes out.
And when she does, she's dead meat.
And a strawberry yoghurt.
WOMAN ON TV: Now in it's fifth day, the factory siege shows no sign of coming to an end.
(TV CONTINUES): Clint's mother said she will continue to picket the factory (TV CONTINUES) till glamorous gran Petula Gordino agrees to a meeting.
(TURNS OFF TV) It's getting crazy out there.
Are you okay? Did you get in all right? Only just.
Only cos Stan was waiting for me, he got hold of my arm and yanked me through.
It is, is getting silly.
What's that Bren? Oh, sorry.
I think it's a teddy.
Is it? Can't see Christopher Robbin draggin' that upstairs.
I mean, what is he at, that Clint? No offence to your mum, but he's 16.
He should be trying the doors on parked cars.
He don't want to be shacked up with a woman old enough to remember Maigret.
Plus the bloomin' factory's nearly ground to a halt.
Oh, we've started.
All right Norman? Bren! Do you want to do Kilroy? Mothers who have let their daughters down? No.
- They'll send a Peugeot.
- BREN: No.
You got your last loaves off me.
Look! You just have to force your way through like I did.
I'm agoraphobic you know.
I fell off a diving board in Guernsey! It's like a pack of hyenas out there.
And I were photographed.
If I get my face in't paper, that could be a bit awkward for me, could that.
Why? Are you a bigamist or something Norman? Technically, I am actually.
But anyway.
That's it.
No more bread till it's all over.
Goin' well Bren.
No veg, now no bread.
Milk's not come either.
I'm taking one of these, okay? I'm having such fun.
It's been a fantastic five days for me.
The girls are here.
Stan's helping them out of the car.
Clint's mother's got that placard.
"Killer Hore From Hell"? Do you think somebody'd tell her it starts with a W? [PHONE RINGING.]
STAN: All right.
Here we go.
That's it.
We're in! We're OK! Now everybody sit down.
I can't take much more.
She nearly had my sunroof in.
Two of those reporters came to the front door last night.
Yeah, three rang me up.
I tripped over two on't doorstep this morning.
Dolly! Do you want to do Kilroy? Can osteoporosis affect driving concentration? - Claire Rayner and Lorraine Chase.
- No! I don't see how they're gonna resolve this? Well, we need an ombudsman.
We need something.
This is gettin' beyond the Twink: Doo-dah.
Do you want to do Kilroy? Impotence, the new celibacy.
With Miriam Stoppard and Harold Pinter.
Oh, no.
Can we have eight coffee and four tea and a box of biscuits? And can the lids have cups? I mean, can the cups have lids? Hello everybody! I didn't sleep very well last night.
Thermoses.
We've only got yesterday's milk.
Nevermind.
And a box of biscuits.
No, I said a box of biscuits, didn't I? It's for the press again.
Did I say lids? I'm worried about people getting scalded.
Can somebody bring them down to the main gate? We can't bring them.
It's a lynch mob.
Is Clint's mum still there? Yes! She's actually chained herself to the main gates now.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I'll get my slippers.
It's alright, the fire brigade are coming.
Oh, flip, what am I saying? So none of the lorries can get in or out.
Um I'll come back for the coffee.
Twink! Do you want to be on telly? Middle age workmates make me sick.
With Robert Kilroy bum crack? - Yeah.
- No.
She has.
She's chained herself to the gates.
Is that Carmel from Northern Roundup? Oh, she's loving this.
She normally only gets to interview people who make furniture out of conkers.
Oh, Mr.
Michael's out again trying to calm Clint's mother down.
- Oh, lovely.
- What? Spat at him.
Oh! Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting! The iceberg couldn't come soon enough once I saw that.
Have you got any foil Bren? I thought I might put in a few highlights.
Mum, she's chained herself to the main gates.
None of the lorries can get through now.
Has she? Oi!.
.
This is your doing! Jean, that rinse on your hair! Will you give me the name? Catherine Deneuve is after that sort of a shade.
I know.
Excuse me! I was nearly poked in the sun roof coming to work this morning.
I wish I could help.
You can damn well help.
It's you she's waiting for.
Anita! Do you want to do Kilroy? Multicultural breast implants.
With Naomi Campbell's mother and Mada Jaffrey.
Not really.
This is a strain for all of us, Jean.
Clint's feeling it.
We won't dwell on what Clint's feeling.
Thanks very much.
If you must have sexual impulses, why have you got to have them at the back of our bins? Mrs.
Gordino, I had no idea the situation would escalate in this way.
It's not just the press harassment, the crowds, the ill feeling, it's actually now affecting the factory.
We can't get the lorries in or out.
The fabricator on their way but she said she'll continue to chain herself to the gates till you come out.
She's a one-trick pony as little Art Garfunkel used to say.
Stunted imagination.
Clint says he had fish pie four nights out of seven.
Obviously nobody wants to turf you out.
It's very awkward.
But I really think we've got to ask you to leave.
Does anybody want to do friggin' poxy Kilroy, with Robert stupid up himself Silk? [ALL.]
: Noooo! Stan! What's the topic? How moping floors enlarged my organ! I don't know.
Mrs.
Gordino, I have a responsibility to my workers.
I can see that.
By hecky, you hoe a hard row and we respect you for it.
Look folks! I walk out through those gates this minute, but how will your firm look if she batters me to death, right in front of your logo? Oh, crikey Mikey! What do you think we should do Bren? Well, this is like a blooming torn between two lovers, this.
Do you know what I mean? I'm like torn between the factory and my mother.
I mean I love the factory, and as for me mother But I love the factory.
Don't blame Bren.
I've had postnatal disinterest for 40 years.
But even when you don't actually like someone you don't especially want them to get battered.
Thanks sweetheart.
If my mother doesn't leave, what's the upshot? How will we get the lorries in? What's gonna happen to the documentary? How can we carry on? We haven't even got any vegetables.
- It's not your fault Bren.
- I know.
I can't properly hose my bins with that caravan parked up.
I know.
- We have to move quickly.
- I know.
They always seem to sort these things out on those television shows, don't they? What? Well like on Oprah Winfrey.
They all put their points of view.
Look, if we get extra security No, listen! Anita's right.
That's what Shelagh wants.
She wants to have a say with everybody listening.
She wants a proper audience.
Could take days to get on that sort of show! No I mean do it here, now.
We got any blooming chairs.
- But who would - Get her from Northern Roundup, Carmel.
She'll be in like a shot.
I'll go now.
Brilliant Bren! Can she handle an in-depth emotional debate? Normally she only holds up gigantic onions! Yeah but it doesn't matter.
She's got a camera crew, she's here now.
That's all Shelagh wants, a little bit of fame.
Who was it who was on about 15 minutes of fame? Andy? - Pandy! - No Jean.
It was about 15 minutes Andy Pandy.
Rag, Tag, and Bobtail.
Uh! That was 15 minutes.
I'll just check that Shelagh's on her way up, Carmel.
Now, what about this lighting? Do I need to make love to you to put more lights on? There are no more lights! It's wattage per footage round here.
Anyway, I live with my dad.
He likes to play the ukulele till half past nine.
So, are you really going to Barcelona with Bren's mum? Suppose so.
I'm just doing it to annoy my mother really.
What's that? It's my prepared statement.
What's it say? If I'm old enough to drive a car, why can't make my own decisions, blah blah You're not old enough to drive a car, are you? Should I change it to moped? You won't catch me shacking up with an older! It's bad enough working with them.
Always on about sixpences and Pam Ayres and Rag, Tag and flippin' Bobtail.
Never mind "get a life", they've never had one.
And now they haven't got time to get one.
Petula reckoned we're like lovers in a previous existence.
Do you not believe in like reincarnation at the end of the before and you're like destined to be together.
No! What do you believe in? Don't have your tongue pierced cos it hurts when you say sausages.
And when you're buying trainers and they say "do you want the box?", don't have it.
Otherwise you end up with a load of boxes.
Them are cool.
- Yeah.
Gettin' the brown ones Saturday.
- They haven't got them.
They have.
He's just got them in.
I know the bottom with a lot of flash.
We err have Shelagh.
We're ready to go.
All right then.
Wide two Simon.
Hang on a minute.
Running up.
Any trouble, I'm in.
I've trained with the Paras.
My dad was a desert rat.
And speed! My son's fiancé is old enough to be his own grandmother.
That's the bizarre claim that has led Shelagh Openshaw to chain herself to the gates of HWD Components, in the fifth day of her protest.
And here is that fiancé Petula Gordino.
Petula! Carmel.
When Mia Farrow left Frank Sinatra, he got a bit of a thing for me.
On the rebound.
Typical Italian macho nonsense.
He was forever landing on my lawn in his helicopter.
It got silly, really.
You'd pull back the bedroom curtains and there'd be Frank's chopper.
But, I turned him down Carmel, and I'll tell you for why.
Because we weren't a true match.
And do you feel Clint and you are a true match? Oh, there's no question in my mind.
Our minds.
Our hearts.
Can you carry on? Our souls I was only asking! We're twin souls.
Can we have Shelagh to sit in, please? Shelagh, can I have your assurance that during this interview you won't harm Petula in anyway? I don't want to hurt anybody.
I'm on 13 types of tablets.
I've had to have me rings cut off.
I can only go to sleep on a deck chair.
Are you saying to Clint, give her up or else? No way Carmel, he's my son, and I love him.
And if she makes Clint happy, she makes me happy.
So, you'll actually welcome Petula into your home? With knobs on.
She's family, she's in.
She comes to stock car racing, she comes to Llandudno.
Well, let's hear from Clint.
Clint! Em he didn't actually want to come on telly, but he's got this thing he wanted me to read out.
Oh, we drafted a joint statement.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Dear Petula, sorry and all that, but I need to move on.
Thanks for the laughs.
Clint.
Dear Mum, I'll be home later.
If Pete rings, ask him about that jacket.
I have gone up town for them suede trainers.
Love Clint.
Reaction, Petula.
Well, how else could it have ended, Carmel? I opened his cage, and away he flew.
I took the risk and paid the price.
As Gérard Depardieu said to me that day in Deauville "What's the point in having a big nose if you can't jam a banana up it?" I thank you all so very much.
[LOW TONE.]
And, God bless.
[BREAKS WIND.]
And cut.
Them bloomin' journalists, we've never had our thermoses back.
I can't believe how quickly they all left once it was over.
Back to normality, Doll.
Can you stick around girls, Twink! Philippa is popping in with Hannah.
They're keen to go ahead with the filming apparently.
Can I have a word Bren? I can't be in the documentary.
- What? In case you are ill you mean? - Yeah.
I don't know what's going to happen.
Could be the okay, could be a load of treatment.
Well, they wouldn't film that.
That's just what they would film.
Well, tell 'em you don't want to do it.
They can't film without everyone's permission.
And be Mr.
Unpopular.
How would I get any work out of them after that? You know how they are.
On a bad day, it's like trying to fold gravy.
Tell 'em the real reason.
No, Bren.
They'd all be patting me on the head and knitting me balaclavas, wouldn't they? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Well, suppose I tell 'em I don't want to do it? - They'll kill you.
- Do you reckon? You'll lose a few friends, Bren.
Yeah.
Probably would.
Probably will.
Well, I'll just have to will, won't I.
Look, don't you worry about it.
You got enough to worry about.
Go and track down them thermoses.
I'll see how it's looking.
Cheers mate! So what do we reckon then about this docusoap thing, do you all want to go ahead? Yeah, we do.
And we don't want you messing it up again either.
I just wanted to say we're definitely going ahead.
[DOLLY.]
: Oh, good! But what we're looking for is the one sort of central character that the audience can sort of latch onto.
You had one in binmen, you had one in undertakers.
I'm screwing the lid down now.
Right.
I'm screwing the lid down now.
So, I'm really sorry, but it's really going to centre around one Oh, cripes.
One man.
Not Stan.
God, no.
I mean Stan's sweet, but he's sort of a waste of space.
Em, well Tony's not here.
You know, this man, I just love him.
He's fun, and he's down-to-earth and sort of a bit vulnerable.
Can I just What Hannah specially liked was him playing the theme tune from Cagney & Lacey on his ocarina.
Not Harry from Packing! The viewers will adore him.
I'm really sorry.
What are you grinning at? Nothing, I'm really disappointed.