Dinosaur (2024) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1
- I'm engaged.
- That's not amazing news,
and I'm not happy for you,
Evie, I'm deeply concerned.
- What, did you think
you were just gonna become
two old ladies
in that flat together?
- People we love
won't ever understand
how hard it can be
to do these things,
but we do them anyway for them.
- When you asked me to be your
maid of honor, I was shook.
- Ranesh's dad, Sachin,
wants to meet the whole family.
- She wants us all
to put on a mask
and pretend to be something
we're not to impress his dad.
- We have put
our personalities aside
for you to impress this man.
Now, if I can do it,
and I'm literally autistic,
then you can do it.
His glasses are really small.
- Don't say anything.
[Laughs nervously]
- Well, that was
practically Masonic.
- I had a fight
with my girlfriend.
I wanted to invite her
to your big wedding
SACHIN: What wedding?
NINA: Evie is my sister,
and she's a really great
and thoughtful
and creative person,
and I need to know,
why are your glasses so tiny?
- I think they make me look
more interesting than I am.
Well, son,
congratulations are in order.
- Do you want to go with me
to get a not-hot beverage?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
DECLAN: Have you ever seen
anything so magnificent?
- Wow.
- Pretty impressive fossil, eh?
- Mm-hmm.
It's stunning.
- I knew you'd be furious
if I opened it without you,
even on a Saturday morning.
You could be digging these up
on the Isle of Wight.
You should apply.
You're more than qualified.
I'll write you a reference.
NINA: Mm.
I have always wanted to be
a footnote in a Dunne paper.
- [Chuckles]
If you're worried about me,
I'll be fine.
- It's not you
I'm worried about.
I know you'll be fine.
It's Evie.
- Is she not getting married?
- I don't think
signing a little bit of paper's
gonna change all that much.
- Before I got married,
um, I used to see
the boys from my foraging club
everyevery weekend.
Now, I just get the
The odd text at Christmas
and the occasional
prostate update.
- [Laughs]
- But I don't miss them,
because Gemma fills
those spaces.
- My sister's
still gonna need me.
[Knocking]
Speak of the lovely devil.
40% of all unexpected bodies
are found by dog walkers.
We don't have a dog,
so we walk each other.
Bye.
- I found a dead cat
in the park once.
- That's cool!
Thanks for the pep talk!
[Upbeat music]
97, 98, 99, 100.
Ooh!
- Whew!
You should stretch
to avoid injury.
NINA: Mm-mm.
- Did you see that woman
with her cat on the leash?
- Yes.
- It made me think about
when Mum and Dad put you
in the harness
at Universal Studios.
You kept trying to get
behind all the rides
to prove it wasn't real.
- It's wrong to gaslight
children with fake magic.
- If it wasn't for you,
I'd still believe in Santa.
- 14 was too old, Evie.
Will we still do this
when you're married?
EVIE:
What else are we gonna do?
Oh, um, Ranesh stayed over
last night.
I told you now
so you can fix your face.
- Evie, if he comes
between me, you,
and Taylor Swift
being friends
- I will divorce him
before that happens.
SINGER:
Take me in your arms ♪
Once again with feeling ♪
[Pop music]
- Here we are.
- Needs more sugar.
[Spoons clinking]
- [chuckles]
You know this stuff has
absolutely no nutritional
value, don't you?
- Our mother lived
through the '90s
on three bowls of Special K
a day.
- The cereal, not the drugs.
- Neen-Dog, I can source you
a gut-friendly granola,
really cultivate your biome.
- Hmm.
I can see your testicles.
- [Gasps]
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- You could not see
hisbing-bongs!
- Prove it.
- [Laughing]
You're a nightmare.
You used to do that to Bo
all the time when we were kids.
NINA: Mm-hmm.
EVIE: What's the rush?
- Big day.
- It is a big day, isn't it?
- Yeah, as I have a date
- Dress fitting!
- No, I have a date.
- No, you have a dress fitting.
NINA: No, I don't have
a dress fitting.
I know I don't have
a dress fitting,
because I have a date,
because the dress fitting
is on the 16th.
- No, it's today.
- No, it's the 16th!
It says so on the calendar,
and the calendar is king!
- No.
The designer canceled the 16th.
She's fitting one of the Loose
Women for a baby shower.
I explained all this
in the group chat.
- Oh.
I muted your group chat.
- Nina!
- Don't "Nina" me.
Amber kept posting selfies,
and they're not that good,
and you all reply with
flame emojis and "yas, queen,"
and the notifications
are draining my battery.
- Nina,
you're my maid of honor.
You're supposed to be
on top of this stuff.
- [Hisses]
I'm sorry.
- [Sighs]
RANESH: Hey-ho!
I'm back, and I'm decent.
- Yeah, you're decent.
- [Growls]
[both laugh]
- Look, I know that changes
in plans vex you, right?
But this appointment was
really hard to come by.
- Yes, and maybe my date was
very hard to come by.
- Well, I don't think your
date's dressed Davina McCall.
- You don't know.
You don't know what he does.
Maybe he did.
- Just call and reschedule.
- [Groans]
- Who is it anyway?
- It's the hot drink vendor
from my work.
- No!
- Ooh, Nina's got a boyfriend!
- No, Nina doesn't
do relationships.
- Well, maybe I do now.
Things change.
And I can't just call Lee,
because we're not
at that stage
of our relationship,
which is why I have to go
on this date.
- Oh, my gosh.
Is this a first date?
- Yes.
[Ranesh laughs]
- Well, just text him then.
Tell him you'll come
after the dress fitting.
- I can't meet him
after the fitting
because that will make it
a nighttime date,
and men expect things
on nighttime dates
that I'm not willing
to do with him yet.
I said I'd meet him at 2:00.
I'll just do both.
- Nina.
The fitting's at 3:00.
Just move your thing
to another day.
I'm sure your man friend
will understand.
- [Groans]
- And unmute my wedding chat.
- [Whines]
- Our first date was a nooner,
wasn't it?
- Was it?
- I don't think that means
what you think it does, babe.
- [Sighs] We talked for hours.
- It was just so easy with you.
Just this instant connection.
- Hey, Neens,
if you do go on that date,
don't do anything
I wouldn't do, yeah?
- Oh, I'll come back
engaged then, yeah?
[Both laugh]
- Love it.
Ooh!
[Laughs]
- I can do both.
[Soft anticipatory music]
I can do both.
I can do both.
I'm a cool lady.
I'm gonna do both.
[Upbeat music]
NINA: Sorry.
- Ooh. Ah, Nina!
There was no signal in there.
- Oh, I don't do hugs.
- Oh.
And I don't do butt stuff!
[Chuckles]
Sorry, I
- I don't know why
I mean, I don't.
I don't dothat.
Butbutbut not as a
As a standard practice.
It'sit's just not come up.
Yet.
[Chuckles]
Sorry, that's
I don't know, um, why
And I shouldn't
Shall we?
[Indistinct chatter]
[machines beeping]
[sighs]
[chuckles]
- Can I get you
something else to drink?
Anything from the lunch menu?
- Oh, no thank you.
- And yourself?
- Eh, I'll have a
[Breathily]
Negroni.
Sbagliato.
With prosecco in it.
[Chuckles]
[normally]
From that viral clip?
No, I'll just, um
Just another one of these.
Yeah.
[Waitress clears throat]
- Oh
- When Evie drinks prosecco,
she does
problematic football chants.
- Poor Evie.
[Clock ticking]
Did you, um, hear
about the craziness
at the museum yesterday?
A skateboarder tried to do
a trick off the stairs
at the entrance and fell.
His bone was sticking
right out of his leg.
I'm surprised you weren't
down there taking samples.
[Chuckles]
- Oh, we haven't displayed
any human remains
in the museum since 1999.
We did have
this Iron Age skull,
but it turned out
to be a counterfeit.
It was a man from Edinburgh
whose grave had been robbed.
His children sued the museum,
and that's why we can't afford
a CT scanner, but I don't see
what the big deal is,
because, you know,
death is death.
[Slurping]
- Huh.
I don't know.
I think I'd be, uh,
a little bit traumatized
if I saw my granddad's head
in the Natural History Museum.
- Oh, you wouldn't know
it was him.
All the flesh is gone.
It's just the skull.
Unless you've got a degree
in forensic anthropology
and facial reconstruction.
- Not one of my many
side hustles, no.
[Chuckles]
[clock ticking]
Do you watch football?
- No.
- Do you?
- Not religiously, but, uh,
I'm a Raith Rovers fan.
They're shite, but I love them.
- If your football team
is shite,
then why don't you choose
a better football team?
- [Sighs]
[as Sean Bean] One does not
simply choose a better team.
- I get that one.
That's Lord of the Rings.
- Boro
- [Yells]
LEE: Shoh, sorry! I'm sorry!
Do you want me to
- No!
- No. OK.
- No, it's fine. I'll be back.
No.
- Honestly, I can
NINA: Mm-mm.
- Yeah.
It's just because I've not
Glasses.
Um
[Light rock music]
[Toilet flushing]
- [sighs]
[whispering]
Why isn't this easy?
[Sighs] Come on, Nina.
PERSON: [slurring]
Come on, Nina!
NINA: Oh.
No!
PERSON:
You know, if it's hurting,
you shouldn't force it.
That's how you get piles.
- I'm not shitting.
I'm stuck in the toilet.
PERSON: That happened
to my cousin once.
She sued the airline.
- Not in the bowl.
In the cubicle.
PERSON: Oh.
- You need to go get Lee.
- Who's Lee?
NINA: Erm, he's got blue eyes,
and he's wearing
a stripy shirt,
and he's got this,
like, jocular
but still handsome face.
[Footsteps fading]
[whispering]
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
[Footsteps approaching]
PERSON: I can't see anyone that
looks jocular and handsome.
- He's got a shit mullet.
PERSON: Ah!
[Footsteps fading]
- [sighs]
[bathroom door creaks]
[footsteps approaching]
- Excuse me.
Your friend's stuck
in the toilet.
Not, like, in-in the toilet.
- Right.
- Just in the toilet.
- So
- OK.
[Water splashes]
NINA: [groans] Fuck!
Ugh, think!
Think, Nina! Think!
[Groaning]
- Hello.
- Hiya.
- You OK?
- No.
I'm stuck,
and I broke the lock.
- Nina?
Step back from the door.
[Grunts]
Ow!
- Thanks.
- When I tell people
how I saved your life,
I'm gonna edit out
the "ouch" bit.
- Can you also edit out the bit
where it looks like
I've waded in a toilet bowl?
- No, see, it's, um
It's a story about
how cool and heroic I am,
so I'm
- I'm probably gonna keep
the pissy leg in.
- [Chuckles]
LEE: Nina.
- What?
- You're a WAP.
- What?
- A Wet-Ass Paleontologist.
[Both laugh]
- [snorts]
[machine beeping]
- Why don't we, um,
start this thing over, eh?
I think we both came in
a bit too weird.
- I really wish I could,
but, um, I have
a dress fitting at 3:00,
and my sister needs me.
- You should have said.
We could have rescheduled.
- I didn't know that was
something I could do.
Bye, Lee.
PERSON: Bye, Nina!
NINA: Bye!
- Bye.
[Chuckles softly]
[frenetic music]
[Baby crying]
NINA: Stop!
Wait!
[Baby crying]
I should've stretched.
[Phone ringing]
[indistinct chatter]
PERSON: No, I said to her,
"No, Catherine.
"I think you'll find that I was
given summit of the week,
"and it's interesting
that you've pacifically
called me out
in your Facebook post."
- Specifically.
PERSON: Aye.
- Specifically.
PERSON: Pacifically.
Exactly.
- Specifically.
- The cow tagged me
pacifically.
- Specifically.
Specifically,
specifically, specifically.
- Hold on, Angela.
There's a woman
whispering something at me
on the bus.
- Specifically.
- Can I help you?
- It's "specifically"!
Sorry.
[Bell dings]
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
Oh. [sighs]
I got stuck in the toilet
on my date,
and then my bus was late.
Ugh, and then I got a cramp
because I didn't stretch.
I'm so sorry.
[Parrot squawking]
Is that a bird?
[Bird squeaking]
- Nina, I thought
you were gonna postpone
seeing your wee friend.
- You said that,
and then I groaned
noncommittally.
Why is there a bird
in a dress shop?
- Was the date at least good?
- No, Amber.
It wasn't at least good.
It was rubbish.
- Och, no. What happened?
- Somebody planned
a dress fitting
in the middle of it.
[Both laugh sarcastically]
EVIE: Nina, er, this is Cecily.
- [Cecily humming]
- She did
the bridesmaids' dresses
for Davina McCall's
second wedding.
- Oh, it was
a beautiful reception.
Sting was there.
[Bird squeaking]
He played "Brown Eyed Girl"
on his lute.
Oh, and I take it
you're the late girl.
She's sweaty, Clancy.
Fan her.
- Oh!
Cecily, this is
my big sister, Nina.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's a paleontologist
and my maid of honor.
Just take it off, Nina.
- No, no.
I don't want to.
- [Hums]
I've got a few options
that could fit her.
Pop in the changing room
and take your clothes off.
[Classical music playing]
Davina can do a full
costume change in 17 seconds
and not a word of complaint
from her.
- [Whispering] Help me!
- [Sighs]
Nina.
[Bird wolf whistles]
You look like a princess.
- I think it just needs
a little styling.
Otherwise, it's great.
- Mm-hmm, stunning.
It draws the eye in.
It distracts.
[Gasps] God, I'm good.
Let me just see
where it doesn't fit.
Turn. That's it.
Now up and down.
[Bird wolf whistles]
Malcolm!
[Bird squawking]
- I don't like it.
I'm sorry.
It's just
It's very itchy and hot.
- That's OK.
That's what the fitting's for.
- Do you want a fan?
Clancy!
- Evie.
- Ooh.
Nina, we just need to fix
the sleeves, nip in the waist,
and it's perfect.
- Please stop it.
I'm just gonna wear
something else.
EVIE: What?
- But then you won't
coordinate with the others.
- I don't care about that.
- Yeah, but I care!
Nina, just take a deep breath.
Let her do her job.
- Please stop managing me.
- I'm not.
I'm just trying to help.
- You're not helping!
You're making it worse!
I'm not wearing
the stupid dress.
- [Chuckles softly]
[bird squeaking]
Have you got any prosecco?
CECILY: Yes, we do.
- I need to go home.
I need to go home.
[Music building]
[bird squawking]
[breathing heavily]
[Bird wolf whistles]
I need to go.
- Nina.
- I don't want to be like this
in front of these people, OK?
- OK. I can come with you.
- No thank you.
[Bird squawking]
CECILY: What did I do?
- Don't worry.
Nina's not traumatized
or anything.
[Whispering]
She's just autistic.
- Oh. Ah.
Malcolm has OCD.
MALCOLM: Sweaty girl.
Sweaty girl.
[Chaotic rock music]
- [Screaming]
Fuck!
[Breathing heavily]
- Working on your manifesto?
- [Gasps] Shit!
Bo!
Oh, you gave me such a fright!
What are you doing here?
BO: I was having a siesta.
Hilda won't let me
move back in
[Groans]
Until she's reabsorbed
her energy from the flat.
- I told you she was a sponge.
You know she can't stop you
from going home?
- I'm scared.
- Hexes aren't real.
- I'm not scared
she'll hex me, Nina.
I'm scared
that this is it for me.
That this
That this is my life.
NINA: Here.
- [Sighs] Thanks.
- You're welcome.
[Cat yowling]
- Oh, speak of the devil,
and she shall call.
[Cat yowling]
NINA: Are you not gonna
answer it?
- No, I have to let it
ring out.
If I reject the call,
it starts a wholething.
- She's very persistent
for a vegan.
[Yowling stops]
- Evie texted.
NINA: Mm.
- Says you went
fucking mental at the fitting.
- Is that what she said?
- No.
She said that you were upset
and she was worried.
- The dress lady kept
tugging at me,
andand Evie kept fussing,
andand there was a bird
in the shop.
And Evie expected me
to change my plans for her,
but I had things to do.
I had a date,
andand I wanted to do both.
I can do both things.
Normal people can do
both things.
- Wait a minute, you went out
with an actual person?
- Mm-hmm.
- Is it like an episode
of The Undateables?
[Chuckles]
- No!
It was worse.
I fell in a toilet.
- [Exhales]
[both laugh]
- It was awkward and awful,
and I was preoccupied.
- Ay, 'cause you knew you had
somewhere else to be.
- I only had
somewhere else to be
because Evie changed the date
of the dress fitting.
She wants me to make
everything about her.
But in a couple of weeks' time,
she's gonna abandon me
for some
Soy boy wet wipe who makes her
gut-friendly pasta
from Firenze.
- [Chuckles]
Evie won't abandon you.
The girl cannae make
a cup of tea on her own.
She needs you.
You're her person.
- No, she's got a new person.
BO: No, she doesn't.
She's got someone
to take her to dinners
and tell her she's pretty.
She'll still need you
to check her spelling
and help her with work
and watch The Real House MILFs
of Atlantis.
- The Real Housewives
of Atlanta,
and you know that, Bo.
- I've heard it both ways.
- [Laughs]
- Can't believe
you watch that shit.
You're a scientist, Nina.
- Says the mathematician
who let his girlfriend
convince him
to get a sage enema.
- [Gasps]
I told Evie that in confidence.
- I like The Real Housewives
because they do a thing,
and then it cuts to them
sitting in front of a camera,
explaining why they did
what they did.
You never need wonder
with a Real Housewife.
Evie gets it.
BO: Well, of course she does.
You two freaks get each other.
Do you think you just amputate
your whole family
when you got someone new
in your life?
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
[Chuckles]
Besides, if you two
didn't have each other,
she'd have a face tattoo,
and you'd be wearing
the same outfit every day
like a cartoon character.
- [Chuckles]
She would look good
with a face tattoo.
[Laughs]
Thank you, Bo.
I know that I say I need Evie,
but I need you too.
I can see your testicles.
- [Gasps]
NINA: [chuckles] Made you look.
- Bastard.
[Phone pings]
- Ooh!
- Is that your fancy man?
NINA: Mm-hmm.
- Tell him I said, "Run."
- [hisses]
- [chuckles]
[phone vibrating]
TV PRESENTER: Bees nest
here in the thousands.
[Indistinct chatter]
- Hello?
- Hi. I got home all right.
Um, my dress fitting was awful,
and I screamed in a bush.
- Don't worry.
I've actually been
in the exact same situation.
- [Chuckles softly]
- You'll look back on today
and laugh.
- I'm more a "look back
on things and die inside"
type of girl,
like our awkward date.
- I liked the bit
where you started talking
about granddad corpses.
- No, don't!
- No, no, it was good.
You'd be amazed
how rarely on a date
I get to hear the words,
"Death is death."
[chuckles]
- Well, it is.
And if you like that,
you should hear the rest
of my witty date banter.
- Ooh.
Is it saucy?
- If you're into fossilized
shark feces,
then buckle up, son.
- Save it for the second date!
[Laughs]
- Is there a second date?
[Gentle music]
- Erifif
If you have the time.
- I can make time.
- [Sighs]
[Door clicks]
- Evie?
I'm sorry about today.
I should have changed
the date of my date.
- Thank you.
I'm really sorry too.
I was being really pushy.
And there was a bird,
and I know you hate birds.
- I do hate birds.
- Night, Nina.
- Night, Evie.
RANESH: Night, Neen-meister!
- Night
Neshinald.
RANESH: Ooh!
- [Giggles]
RANESH: Neshinald? I like that.
[Theo Bleak's
"It's Not Doing Me Any Good"]
THEO: When it rains,
I hope it drowns me ♪
♪
'Cause I feel the pain
start to surround me ♪
♪
You steal all my ideas
as yours ♪
I see it now, underscored ♪
- I'm engaged.
- That's not amazing news,
and I'm not happy for you,
Evie, I'm deeply concerned.
- What, did you think
you were just gonna become
two old ladies
in that flat together?
- People we love
won't ever understand
how hard it can be
to do these things,
but we do them anyway for them.
- When you asked me to be your
maid of honor, I was shook.
- Ranesh's dad, Sachin,
wants to meet the whole family.
- She wants us all
to put on a mask
and pretend to be something
we're not to impress his dad.
- We have put
our personalities aside
for you to impress this man.
Now, if I can do it,
and I'm literally autistic,
then you can do it.
His glasses are really small.
- Don't say anything.
[Laughs nervously]
- Well, that was
practically Masonic.
- I had a fight
with my girlfriend.
I wanted to invite her
to your big wedding
SACHIN: What wedding?
NINA: Evie is my sister,
and she's a really great
and thoughtful
and creative person,
and I need to know,
why are your glasses so tiny?
- I think they make me look
more interesting than I am.
Well, son,
congratulations are in order.
- Do you want to go with me
to get a not-hot beverage?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
DECLAN: Have you ever seen
anything so magnificent?
- Wow.
- Pretty impressive fossil, eh?
- Mm-hmm.
It's stunning.
- I knew you'd be furious
if I opened it without you,
even on a Saturday morning.
You could be digging these up
on the Isle of Wight.
You should apply.
You're more than qualified.
I'll write you a reference.
NINA: Mm.
I have always wanted to be
a footnote in a Dunne paper.
- [Chuckles]
If you're worried about me,
I'll be fine.
- It's not you
I'm worried about.
I know you'll be fine.
It's Evie.
- Is she not getting married?
- I don't think
signing a little bit of paper's
gonna change all that much.
- Before I got married,
um, I used to see
the boys from my foraging club
everyevery weekend.
Now, I just get the
The odd text at Christmas
and the occasional
prostate update.
- [Laughs]
- But I don't miss them,
because Gemma fills
those spaces.
- My sister's
still gonna need me.
[Knocking]
Speak of the lovely devil.
40% of all unexpected bodies
are found by dog walkers.
We don't have a dog,
so we walk each other.
Bye.
- I found a dead cat
in the park once.
- That's cool!
Thanks for the pep talk!
[Upbeat music]
97, 98, 99, 100.
Ooh!
- Whew!
You should stretch
to avoid injury.
NINA: Mm-mm.
- Did you see that woman
with her cat on the leash?
- Yes.
- It made me think about
when Mum and Dad put you
in the harness
at Universal Studios.
You kept trying to get
behind all the rides
to prove it wasn't real.
- It's wrong to gaslight
children with fake magic.
- If it wasn't for you,
I'd still believe in Santa.
- 14 was too old, Evie.
Will we still do this
when you're married?
EVIE:
What else are we gonna do?
Oh, um, Ranesh stayed over
last night.
I told you now
so you can fix your face.
- Evie, if he comes
between me, you,
and Taylor Swift
being friends
- I will divorce him
before that happens.
SINGER:
Take me in your arms ♪
Once again with feeling ♪
[Pop music]
- Here we are.
- Needs more sugar.
[Spoons clinking]
- [chuckles]
You know this stuff has
absolutely no nutritional
value, don't you?
- Our mother lived
through the '90s
on three bowls of Special K
a day.
- The cereal, not the drugs.
- Neen-Dog, I can source you
a gut-friendly granola,
really cultivate your biome.
- Hmm.
I can see your testicles.
- [Gasps]
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- You could not see
hisbing-bongs!
- Prove it.
- [Laughing]
You're a nightmare.
You used to do that to Bo
all the time when we were kids.
NINA: Mm-hmm.
EVIE: What's the rush?
- Big day.
- It is a big day, isn't it?
- Yeah, as I have a date
- Dress fitting!
- No, I have a date.
- No, you have a dress fitting.
NINA: No, I don't have
a dress fitting.
I know I don't have
a dress fitting,
because I have a date,
because the dress fitting
is on the 16th.
- No, it's today.
- No, it's the 16th!
It says so on the calendar,
and the calendar is king!
- No.
The designer canceled the 16th.
She's fitting one of the Loose
Women for a baby shower.
I explained all this
in the group chat.
- Oh.
I muted your group chat.
- Nina!
- Don't "Nina" me.
Amber kept posting selfies,
and they're not that good,
and you all reply with
flame emojis and "yas, queen,"
and the notifications
are draining my battery.
- Nina,
you're my maid of honor.
You're supposed to be
on top of this stuff.
- [Hisses]
I'm sorry.
- [Sighs]
RANESH: Hey-ho!
I'm back, and I'm decent.
- Yeah, you're decent.
- [Growls]
[both laugh]
- Look, I know that changes
in plans vex you, right?
But this appointment was
really hard to come by.
- Yes, and maybe my date was
very hard to come by.
- Well, I don't think your
date's dressed Davina McCall.
- You don't know.
You don't know what he does.
Maybe he did.
- Just call and reschedule.
- [Groans]
- Who is it anyway?
- It's the hot drink vendor
from my work.
- No!
- Ooh, Nina's got a boyfriend!
- No, Nina doesn't
do relationships.
- Well, maybe I do now.
Things change.
And I can't just call Lee,
because we're not
at that stage
of our relationship,
which is why I have to go
on this date.
- Oh, my gosh.
Is this a first date?
- Yes.
[Ranesh laughs]
- Well, just text him then.
Tell him you'll come
after the dress fitting.
- I can't meet him
after the fitting
because that will make it
a nighttime date,
and men expect things
on nighttime dates
that I'm not willing
to do with him yet.
I said I'd meet him at 2:00.
I'll just do both.
- Nina.
The fitting's at 3:00.
Just move your thing
to another day.
I'm sure your man friend
will understand.
- [Groans]
- And unmute my wedding chat.
- [Whines]
- Our first date was a nooner,
wasn't it?
- Was it?
- I don't think that means
what you think it does, babe.
- [Sighs] We talked for hours.
- It was just so easy with you.
Just this instant connection.
- Hey, Neens,
if you do go on that date,
don't do anything
I wouldn't do, yeah?
- Oh, I'll come back
engaged then, yeah?
[Both laugh]
- Love it.
Ooh!
[Laughs]
- I can do both.
[Soft anticipatory music]
I can do both.
I can do both.
I'm a cool lady.
I'm gonna do both.
[Upbeat music]
NINA: Sorry.
- Ooh. Ah, Nina!
There was no signal in there.
- Oh, I don't do hugs.
- Oh.
And I don't do butt stuff!
[Chuckles]
Sorry, I
- I don't know why
I mean, I don't.
I don't dothat.
Butbutbut not as a
As a standard practice.
It'sit's just not come up.
Yet.
[Chuckles]
Sorry, that's
I don't know, um, why
And I shouldn't
Shall we?
[Indistinct chatter]
[machines beeping]
[sighs]
[chuckles]
- Can I get you
something else to drink?
Anything from the lunch menu?
- Oh, no thank you.
- And yourself?
- Eh, I'll have a
[Breathily]
Negroni.
Sbagliato.
With prosecco in it.
[Chuckles]
[normally]
From that viral clip?
No, I'll just, um
Just another one of these.
Yeah.
[Waitress clears throat]
- Oh
- When Evie drinks prosecco,
she does
problematic football chants.
- Poor Evie.
[Clock ticking]
Did you, um, hear
about the craziness
at the museum yesterday?
A skateboarder tried to do
a trick off the stairs
at the entrance and fell.
His bone was sticking
right out of his leg.
I'm surprised you weren't
down there taking samples.
[Chuckles]
- Oh, we haven't displayed
any human remains
in the museum since 1999.
We did have
this Iron Age skull,
but it turned out
to be a counterfeit.
It was a man from Edinburgh
whose grave had been robbed.
His children sued the museum,
and that's why we can't afford
a CT scanner, but I don't see
what the big deal is,
because, you know,
death is death.
[Slurping]
- Huh.
I don't know.
I think I'd be, uh,
a little bit traumatized
if I saw my granddad's head
in the Natural History Museum.
- Oh, you wouldn't know
it was him.
All the flesh is gone.
It's just the skull.
Unless you've got a degree
in forensic anthropology
and facial reconstruction.
- Not one of my many
side hustles, no.
[Chuckles]
[clock ticking]
Do you watch football?
- No.
- Do you?
- Not religiously, but, uh,
I'm a Raith Rovers fan.
They're shite, but I love them.
- If your football team
is shite,
then why don't you choose
a better football team?
- [Sighs]
[as Sean Bean] One does not
simply choose a better team.
- I get that one.
That's Lord of the Rings.
- Boro
- [Yells]
LEE: Shoh, sorry! I'm sorry!
Do you want me to
- No!
- No. OK.
- No, it's fine. I'll be back.
No.
- Honestly, I can
NINA: Mm-mm.
- Yeah.
It's just because I've not
Glasses.
Um
[Light rock music]
[Toilet flushing]
- [sighs]
[whispering]
Why isn't this easy?
[Sighs] Come on, Nina.
PERSON: [slurring]
Come on, Nina!
NINA: Oh.
No!
PERSON:
You know, if it's hurting,
you shouldn't force it.
That's how you get piles.
- I'm not shitting.
I'm stuck in the toilet.
PERSON: That happened
to my cousin once.
She sued the airline.
- Not in the bowl.
In the cubicle.
PERSON: Oh.
- You need to go get Lee.
- Who's Lee?
NINA: Erm, he's got blue eyes,
and he's wearing
a stripy shirt,
and he's got this,
like, jocular
but still handsome face.
[Footsteps fading]
[whispering]
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
[Footsteps approaching]
PERSON: I can't see anyone that
looks jocular and handsome.
- He's got a shit mullet.
PERSON: Ah!
[Footsteps fading]
- [sighs]
[bathroom door creaks]
[footsteps approaching]
- Excuse me.
Your friend's stuck
in the toilet.
Not, like, in-in the toilet.
- Right.
- Just in the toilet.
- So
- OK.
[Water splashes]
NINA: [groans] Fuck!
Ugh, think!
Think, Nina! Think!
[Groaning]
- Hello.
- Hiya.
- You OK?
- No.
I'm stuck,
and I broke the lock.
- Nina?
Step back from the door.
[Grunts]
Ow!
- Thanks.
- When I tell people
how I saved your life,
I'm gonna edit out
the "ouch" bit.
- Can you also edit out the bit
where it looks like
I've waded in a toilet bowl?
- No, see, it's, um
It's a story about
how cool and heroic I am,
so I'm
- I'm probably gonna keep
the pissy leg in.
- [Chuckles]
LEE: Nina.
- What?
- You're a WAP.
- What?
- A Wet-Ass Paleontologist.
[Both laugh]
- [snorts]
[machine beeping]
- Why don't we, um,
start this thing over, eh?
I think we both came in
a bit too weird.
- I really wish I could,
but, um, I have
a dress fitting at 3:00,
and my sister needs me.
- You should have said.
We could have rescheduled.
- I didn't know that was
something I could do.
Bye, Lee.
PERSON: Bye, Nina!
NINA: Bye!
- Bye.
[Chuckles softly]
[frenetic music]
[Baby crying]
NINA: Stop!
Wait!
[Baby crying]
I should've stretched.
[Phone ringing]
[indistinct chatter]
PERSON: No, I said to her,
"No, Catherine.
"I think you'll find that I was
given summit of the week,
"and it's interesting
that you've pacifically
called me out
in your Facebook post."
- Specifically.
PERSON: Aye.
- Specifically.
PERSON: Pacifically.
Exactly.
- Specifically.
- The cow tagged me
pacifically.
- Specifically.
Specifically,
specifically, specifically.
- Hold on, Angela.
There's a woman
whispering something at me
on the bus.
- Specifically.
- Can I help you?
- It's "specifically"!
Sorry.
[Bell dings]
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
Oh. [sighs]
I got stuck in the toilet
on my date,
and then my bus was late.
Ugh, and then I got a cramp
because I didn't stretch.
I'm so sorry.
[Parrot squawking]
Is that a bird?
[Bird squeaking]
- Nina, I thought
you were gonna postpone
seeing your wee friend.
- You said that,
and then I groaned
noncommittally.
Why is there a bird
in a dress shop?
- Was the date at least good?
- No, Amber.
It wasn't at least good.
It was rubbish.
- Och, no. What happened?
- Somebody planned
a dress fitting
in the middle of it.
[Both laugh sarcastically]
EVIE: Nina, er, this is Cecily.
- [Cecily humming]
- She did
the bridesmaids' dresses
for Davina McCall's
second wedding.
- Oh, it was
a beautiful reception.
Sting was there.
[Bird squeaking]
He played "Brown Eyed Girl"
on his lute.
Oh, and I take it
you're the late girl.
She's sweaty, Clancy.
Fan her.
- Oh!
Cecily, this is
my big sister, Nina.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's a paleontologist
and my maid of honor.
Just take it off, Nina.
- No, no.
I don't want to.
- [Hums]
I've got a few options
that could fit her.
Pop in the changing room
and take your clothes off.
[Classical music playing]
Davina can do a full
costume change in 17 seconds
and not a word of complaint
from her.
- [Whispering] Help me!
- [Sighs]
Nina.
[Bird wolf whistles]
You look like a princess.
- I think it just needs
a little styling.
Otherwise, it's great.
- Mm-hmm, stunning.
It draws the eye in.
It distracts.
[Gasps] God, I'm good.
Let me just see
where it doesn't fit.
Turn. That's it.
Now up and down.
[Bird wolf whistles]
Malcolm!
[Bird squawking]
- I don't like it.
I'm sorry.
It's just
It's very itchy and hot.
- That's OK.
That's what the fitting's for.
- Do you want a fan?
Clancy!
- Evie.
- Ooh.
Nina, we just need to fix
the sleeves, nip in the waist,
and it's perfect.
- Please stop it.
I'm just gonna wear
something else.
EVIE: What?
- But then you won't
coordinate with the others.
- I don't care about that.
- Yeah, but I care!
Nina, just take a deep breath.
Let her do her job.
- Please stop managing me.
- I'm not.
I'm just trying to help.
- You're not helping!
You're making it worse!
I'm not wearing
the stupid dress.
- [Chuckles softly]
[bird squeaking]
Have you got any prosecco?
CECILY: Yes, we do.
- I need to go home.
I need to go home.
[Music building]
[bird squawking]
[breathing heavily]
[Bird wolf whistles]
I need to go.
- Nina.
- I don't want to be like this
in front of these people, OK?
- OK. I can come with you.
- No thank you.
[Bird squawking]
CECILY: What did I do?
- Don't worry.
Nina's not traumatized
or anything.
[Whispering]
She's just autistic.
- Oh. Ah.
Malcolm has OCD.
MALCOLM: Sweaty girl.
Sweaty girl.
[Chaotic rock music]
- [Screaming]
Fuck!
[Breathing heavily]
- Working on your manifesto?
- [Gasps] Shit!
Bo!
Oh, you gave me such a fright!
What are you doing here?
BO: I was having a siesta.
Hilda won't let me
move back in
[Groans]
Until she's reabsorbed
her energy from the flat.
- I told you she was a sponge.
You know she can't stop you
from going home?
- I'm scared.
- Hexes aren't real.
- I'm not scared
she'll hex me, Nina.
I'm scared
that this is it for me.
That this
That this is my life.
NINA: Here.
- [Sighs] Thanks.
- You're welcome.
[Cat yowling]
- Oh, speak of the devil,
and she shall call.
[Cat yowling]
NINA: Are you not gonna
answer it?
- No, I have to let it
ring out.
If I reject the call,
it starts a wholething.
- She's very persistent
for a vegan.
[Yowling stops]
- Evie texted.
NINA: Mm.
- Says you went
fucking mental at the fitting.
- Is that what she said?
- No.
She said that you were upset
and she was worried.
- The dress lady kept
tugging at me,
andand Evie kept fussing,
andand there was a bird
in the shop.
And Evie expected me
to change my plans for her,
but I had things to do.
I had a date,
andand I wanted to do both.
I can do both things.
Normal people can do
both things.
- Wait a minute, you went out
with an actual person?
- Mm-hmm.
- Is it like an episode
of The Undateables?
[Chuckles]
- No!
It was worse.
I fell in a toilet.
- [Exhales]
[both laugh]
- It was awkward and awful,
and I was preoccupied.
- Ay, 'cause you knew you had
somewhere else to be.
- I only had
somewhere else to be
because Evie changed the date
of the dress fitting.
She wants me to make
everything about her.
But in a couple of weeks' time,
she's gonna abandon me
for some
Soy boy wet wipe who makes her
gut-friendly pasta
from Firenze.
- [Chuckles]
Evie won't abandon you.
The girl cannae make
a cup of tea on her own.
She needs you.
You're her person.
- No, she's got a new person.
BO: No, she doesn't.
She's got someone
to take her to dinners
and tell her she's pretty.
She'll still need you
to check her spelling
and help her with work
and watch The Real House MILFs
of Atlantis.
- The Real Housewives
of Atlanta,
and you know that, Bo.
- I've heard it both ways.
- [Laughs]
- Can't believe
you watch that shit.
You're a scientist, Nina.
- Says the mathematician
who let his girlfriend
convince him
to get a sage enema.
- [Gasps]
I told Evie that in confidence.
- I like The Real Housewives
because they do a thing,
and then it cuts to them
sitting in front of a camera,
explaining why they did
what they did.
You never need wonder
with a Real Housewife.
Evie gets it.
BO: Well, of course she does.
You two freaks get each other.
Do you think you just amputate
your whole family
when you got someone new
in your life?
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
[Chuckles]
Besides, if you two
didn't have each other,
she'd have a face tattoo,
and you'd be wearing
the same outfit every day
like a cartoon character.
- [Chuckles]
She would look good
with a face tattoo.
[Laughs]
Thank you, Bo.
I know that I say I need Evie,
but I need you too.
I can see your testicles.
- [Gasps]
NINA: [chuckles] Made you look.
- Bastard.
[Phone pings]
- Ooh!
- Is that your fancy man?
NINA: Mm-hmm.
- Tell him I said, "Run."
- [hisses]
- [chuckles]
[phone vibrating]
TV PRESENTER: Bees nest
here in the thousands.
[Indistinct chatter]
- Hello?
- Hi. I got home all right.
Um, my dress fitting was awful,
and I screamed in a bush.
- Don't worry.
I've actually been
in the exact same situation.
- [Chuckles softly]
- You'll look back on today
and laugh.
- I'm more a "look back
on things and die inside"
type of girl,
like our awkward date.
- I liked the bit
where you started talking
about granddad corpses.
- No, don't!
- No, no, it was good.
You'd be amazed
how rarely on a date
I get to hear the words,
"Death is death."
[chuckles]
- Well, it is.
And if you like that,
you should hear the rest
of my witty date banter.
- Ooh.
Is it saucy?
- If you're into fossilized
shark feces,
then buckle up, son.
- Save it for the second date!
[Laughs]
- Is there a second date?
[Gentle music]
- Erifif
If you have the time.
- I can make time.
- [Sighs]
[Door clicks]
- Evie?
I'm sorry about today.
I should have changed
the date of my date.
- Thank you.
I'm really sorry too.
I was being really pushy.
And there was a bird,
and I know you hate birds.
- I do hate birds.
- Night, Nina.
- Night, Evie.
RANESH: Night, Neen-meister!
- Night
Neshinald.
RANESH: Ooh!
- [Giggles]
RANESH: Neshinald? I like that.
[Theo Bleak's
"It's Not Doing Me Any Good"]
THEO: When it rains,
I hope it drowns me ♪
♪
'Cause I feel the pain
start to surround me ♪
♪
You steal all my ideas
as yours ♪
I see it now, underscored ♪