Dirk Gently (2012) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 Gently! Gently! This is the police.
'Welcome to Paneljacks answering service.
'Please choose from the following options.
' Gently! 'Could you repeat' This is your final warning.
Option two.
If you do not open this door we will force an entry.
'I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Could you repeat?' OPTION.
TWO! 'Thank you.
Putting you through, to option three.
' Gaah! Go! Go! Go! Upstairs.
Landing clear, sir.
'Welcome to Paneljacks answering service.
' Oh, just a small matter he might be able to help us with.
Do you think he might be out with a client? It's unlikely, we haven't had any for months.
Somebody broke our phones.
You'll get your messages when I get paid.
Sorry about that.
Staff issues.
That's perfectly fine.
She works for Gently.
She deserves a medal.
Thank you! So, no current clients.
You wouldn't happen to have a list of former clients by any chance? Yeah.
We've Um I very much doubt he's out with any of these though.
He owes most of them money.
Even so.
Probably get them checked out, you know.
Cross the t's, dot the i's.
Can I just ask what have they got to do with this? What's he done? Just tell him that two of his clients have been murdered and so far he's the only connection.
So yes, we'd really like to talk to him.
For his own protection, naturally.
Goodbye, my dear.
He's still out there, Dirk.
You need to talk to him, Dirk.
Macduff.
Wash your mouth out.
Are we at death's door? We have no more ideas in our heads? 'Notice of eviction'? That's a new one, isn't it? Yes it is.
You'll have to create a whole new pile, right next to the final demands.
What are you looking for? My passport.
I feel that the solution will found on the beach of other country, preferably one that has no extradition treaty.
What? You're just going to go? It seems a sensible course of action.
What about the business? Macduff, I have taught you all I know about avoiding bills.
It's time for my little bird to fly the nest.
Fine.
You know what, you go.
I'm just the mug who though you might actually need me.
Oh, Macduff.
What the hell is she doing here? Mr Gently? Er, yes.
Please.
This is my assistant Macduff.
Partner.
Assistant Partner.
I Please.
I tried ringing first, but it went into this sort of queuing system.
Yes.
We're very busy.
So busy we don't even have time to tidy up.
Wow.
You must be incredibly busy.
Yes indeed we are, Miss? Melinda.
Melinda Fulstone.
Melinda.
Melinda Fulstone.
Sorry.
Your face really rings a bell.
Have we met? Eh No, I'm sure I would remember such a memorable event.
Sorry.
Could you, er I am told I have one of those faces.
No.
Can't place it.
Macduff! Miss Fulstone, I am very eager to hear what brought you to our humble office this morning.
I am unusual in that my mind works much better when in motion, blood pumping to the brain as it were.
Perhaps you'd care to join us for a brisk stroll across our roof? What the hell.
Why not? Great! Gilks! Why am I not surprised you've got an escape route? I find it prudent to plan for every eventuality.
If you could Open the door and point them to the pin board? It will be my pleasure.
Gently! Somebody stalking you? Whatever leads you to this worrying conclusion? Little things, but it all adds up, mail going missing, I've got this motion sensing light thing, somebody broke it.
Oh, I saw this man watching me with some binoculars.
Maybe I should have started with that.
Did you get a good look at his face? No.
It's was dark and he ran off when I chased him but To be honest I did run quite slowly.
I didn't really want to catch him that much.
That was lucky.
For the stalker.
The police say they won't do anything without more proof.
I said, "What, my dead body?" but they just laughed.
I said, "I'm not joking.
" The police! They can be so heartless.
Those bastards.
My brain's working well, but to give your case the attention it deserves, what do you say we get the blood really pumping? I'm game.
Good.
There they are! That was great! All meetings should be like that.
We do it all the time.
I've been cooped up at home for weeks you see.
I had a bit of a car crash, thing.
I'm sorry to hear it.
I've been trying to follow that idea of doing one thing every day that scares you.
Well then you'll be pleased to hear that we normally round it off with a little high speed driving.
Just to clear the pipes.
Come on you beautiful bitch.
Not you.
Ah-ha! You must live a very exciting life, Mr Gently.
It may seem that way, but it can be quite solitary sometimes.
I was recently divorced myself.
I'm sorry to hear it.
Oh, don't be.
When Roger ran off with the pool cleaner it was painful at first, but in time I came to see as a blessing in disguise.
I was finally free to live the life I had denied myself.
And I will live it.
That is inspirational.
I mean, of course there's always the worry that something about me put him off women for life.
Ms Fulstone, the idea that you could ever put a man off intercourse with females is frankly ludicrous.
That's very sweet of you to say.
Mainly because sexual preference is now commonly held to be a genetic predisposition.
The chances are he was never truly attracted to you in the first place.
Or he could be bisexual.
Well.
You've certainly given me a lot to think about.
Ms Fulstone, Ms Fulstone, I'm almost ashamed to mention this but regarding your case, there is the delicate issue of our fee.
Oh, don't worry about that, it's Roger's money not mine.
And the more of it he loses the better.
Taxi! Ms Fulstone, I am supremely confident that we will be able to fit you into our very busy schedule.
Hampstead.
Well, that was quite a performance.
So when are you planning on solving this one, before or after you flee the country? Ah.
The murders.
Yes.
Well not to worry, Macduff.
I am sure this case will be but a moment's work.
So you're staying? I didn't say that but, I have confidence I can solve this case before my flight.
Oh, really? You're an expert at catching stalkers now, are you? As a collective noun, not especially.
But this particular stalker, I believe we may have more luck with.
As it's actually me.
It's what? What do you mean it's you? I mean that for the last month I have been secretly observing Ms Fulstone as part of a scientific experiment.
You're the stalker? I prefer the term covert experimenter.
One night I'm sure she saw my face, but luckily she doesn't seem to have recognised me.
I assume she obtained my card from the window of her local newsagents, where I left it during a much needed refreshment break in my surveillance.
Of course.
I'm sure.
It's thirsty work, stalking.
Graphology, handwriting as an indicator of personality.
You stalked her to see if her character matched her handwriting? And indeed it did.
Her behaviour, her interests, all a perfect match.
Ha-ha! I mean, most people would just go to a wine bar to meet a woman.
Or a nightclub.
I am not, most people.
Oh, I know that.
I found your list, "handwriting traits for the perfect woman".
I do have a very specific set of needs.
Yeah.
I see that.
Gullibility, bad with finances? To be honest, it sounds more like the perfect mark for you to fleece.
I will confess that when I first formulated this project I was a little more mercenary.
But now I've met Miss Fulstone in the flesh You fancy her.
She does has certain physical and facial characteristics that evolution has deemed to be more alluring to prospective mates, yes.
Maybe don't say it exactly like that on a date.
Hurry up, Macduff.
How did you even find her? Her handwriting I mean.
An old client owed me a favour.
He leant me a pile of handwritten claim forms from his car insurance company.
His ladies only insurance company.
Clever.
And very, very creepy.
Come, Macduff.
Once I'm safe on some beach in Puerto Rico, you can tell Ms Fulstone, without a word of a lie, that her stalker has left the country.
OK, passport, passport, passport.
Wow! The police really tore this place apart.
I'm afraid not, Macduff.
That minor disagreement with my cleaner has escalated somewhat.
Er, look in the, er Do you know how much smoother your life would run if you just paid people occasionally? Oh, Macduff, the situation has gone way beyond mere money.
I haven't paid her for a year.
Most people would have quit by now.
But not Elena.
Oh, no.
She's Eastern European.
Hardy.
Probably distantly related to the Borgias.
She continues to come here for two hours every day, stubbornly avoiding doing anything resembling actual cleaning.
In retaliation, I have, of course, become messier and messier.
It's like a surreal horror movie for OCD sufferers.
With Elena as the vampiric witch of the piece.
But she's got a heart of gold really.
Salt of the Earth.
Lovely woman.
Oh, hello.
Recently things have taken a much darker turn.
Every day she places that rug in that exact position.
It is a warning, Macduff.
Plainly, yeah.
It's terrifying.
Pick it up.
Oh, that is dark.
She sawed a hole in your floor? No.
The hole was there already.
It was a memento of my previous dispute with that plumber, if you remember.
Are you sensing a theme here, Dirk? Oh.
I was sure it was around here somewhere.
Detective Inspector Gilks.
And you found my passport.
I am so glad you've decided to forgo legal representation.
It makes things so much simpler.
On the contrary.
I'm representing myself.
As I said.
Simple.
So.
Two, dead, people.
Do you recognise them? I've been advised by my legal counsel to neither confirm nor deny anything.
But you're your own legal Look, there is no need to confirm.
We know they were your clients.
Now, apparently, they died of a heart attack.
Aged 27 and 48.
It happens, but not very often.
Coroner got suspicious.
Dug a little deeper, found a very rare toxin in their bloodstream.
They were murdered.
And you think that I, my client, murdered them? No, of course not.
What possible motive could What? We don't think you did it.
But you broke down my door! We thought you were in danger.
Possibly already dead.
You chased me across a roof.
We were trying to protect you.
Gently, you are many things.
Many annoying, incompetent things, but you are not a killer.
At least not intentionally.
I am sure your blithering ineptitude will kill someone one day.
But, you know, not with this level of skill.
This is the work of a professional.
My client informs me that he could have killed them if he'd wanted to.
Would you kindly advise your client to stop incriminating himself.
My client resents the slanderous implication that he's so incompetent that he couldn't commit a couple of simple murders.
God, you really don't make it easy to help you, do you? OK, fine.
Fine.
I am sure that you are perfectly capable of killing anyone you like.
How's that? Now, can we just move on? My client concurs.
Think.
Think about it, Gently.
What this does sounds like, eh? The poison, the spotless crime scene A ghost hit.
My client wishes me to pass on his scathing laughter and scorn.
Fine.
But somebody did it.
Somebody is killing your old clients.
It may end here.
It may not.
We're guarding all of those that we can find but I strongly recommend that you accept police protection for the time being.
For your own safety.
But you can't force me.
Well, no.
If you don't accept it, you're a fool.
But that's never stopped you before.
Then I think I'll be on my way.
Look, is there anyone you can think of, anyone with a big enough grudge to want to do this? The biggest thorn in my side is in this room.
So unless there's something you'd like to confess You're right, Gently.
Your biggest problem is in this room.
But it isn't me.
Ohhh.
Ohhh.
A ghost is a kind of exclusive hit man.
Traditionally only used by mob bosses.
The idea is, you simply supply the name of the target.
You never meet the killer, they never meet you.
Money disappears from your bank account and the target winds up dead.
Supposedly from natural causes in a spotless crime scene.
Only no-one's ever been able to prove they exist.
Mainly because it's total rubbish.
Are you OK? What? No.
Fine! I'm fine.
Someone's killing my old clients, maybe saving me till last, but it's just another case to solve isn't it? OK, OK.
Why don't you stop for a breath and let's go find somewhere and sit down? What? No.
No.
I'm taking the case, which means I'm suddenly my own client and therefore much more of a target.
Well, I don't think the killer would know.
Unless he's telepathic.
Maybe he is.
I'm guessing hired muscle, probably an east London gang.
You pay cleaner.
Or, they're from my cleaner.
This is about the cleaner? Thank god.
I thought they were going to kill us.
She's certainly raising her game.
Bravo.
It's fine.
It's fine.
He's going to pay her.
Won't you? You can tell my so-called cleaner Ahh! In one day.
You pay.
Otherwise.
Security number two-three-nine.
No.
OK.
Yep.
Thank you.
I have paid my cleaner.
I've paid your cleaner.
Mere semantics, Macduff.
I always wondered what it'd take to get you to pay for something.
I guess I now know, broken fingers and death threats from mobsters.
They sound like my kind of people.
Thank you, Janice.
Is this a different Notice of Eviction from the first one? Oh, yeah.
Just a clerical error.
Nothing to worry about.
What are you doing now? I'm trying to find a new cleaner You've seen my place.
It's a tip.
People are dying.
Maybe we should sort out that little problem first.
When a man looses sight of his carpet, then he is no longer a man.
Besides, I'm sure you'll find that all these little problems will prove to be interconnected in ways that you can't possibly No.
No, sorry.
I'm not going to let you get away with that.
I'm not going to let you get away with pulling your same old tricks of doing whatever the hell you want and just hoping that all the dots connect together at the end.
They usually do.
That's not the point, Dirk.
There's too much at stake.
You faffing around now could get people killed.
How dare you! I do not faff.
Besides what happened to, "Don't leave me, Dirk, I might get lonely?" I never said that Exactly.
And even if I did, that was before I found out about Dirk the stalker and got mugged by gangsters.
Can we please, just for once, act like regular detectives? And if you need to justify that to yourself, just look at me now, here, in this moment, getting angry as just another little part of the whole web of interconnected cause and effect.
That actually makes sense.
Really? Really.
OK.
All right.
So What have we got? Who do you think could be doing this? You framed anyone for murder recently? The only murderer I've framed Is in prison.
Wait.
What? Sorry, you've actually done that? At least he was.
Until two months ago.
Robbie Glover.
Ten years ago he was the prime suspect in one of my first cases.
It was a penny ante case of office supply theft in an insurance firm.
Plenty of suspects, no evidence.
Which was odd, because there were cameras everywhere.
But the post-it notes kept disappearing.
And then I realised that the answer was staring me in the face.
Who watches the watchmen? The sweaty, twitchy watchmen.
I was convinced that I had my man.
So much so that I saw the lack of evidence as no obstacle at all.
It was an early prototype of my fundamental interconnectedness of all things theory.
The whoever you frame will turn out to be guilty theory? Yes.
Pretty much.
But it turned out he was utterly innocent.
No-one had stolen anything.
Someone had put a decimal point in the wrong place.
So they thought they should have had 20,000 post-it notes rather than 20.
You said you framed him for murder.
Oh, well the decimal point thing was only discovered later.
By then the police had searched his flat and they discovered his brother's body buried in the chest freezer.
Ah.
So technically I framed him for post-it note theft, which lead to the discovery of a murder.
But it wasn't a distinction he seemed to care about at the time.
Dirk? I vividly remember his threats toward me from the dock.
Very colourful.
Very specific about certain body parts being inserted inside other body parts.
Dirk? I can't see him.
Oh, no.
He's over there.
Oh, yeah.
Come on then.
What did he buy? Huh? What did he buy? Syringes.
Really? You could inject poison with syringes.
Wow.
Your mind is like a machine.
Or, he could just be diabetic.
Oh, and he bought bleach.
Bleach.
Enemy of DNA.
The killer's best friend.
Or, could have mouldy shower curtains.
Ah-ha! OK.
I will admit, taken out of context, it doesn't look good.
On the contrary.
It looks very good.
I think we've found our man.
I can't think of many uses for those items, that don't involve a dead body and a shallow grave.
Would you like a closer look? I've seen you.
Hello.
We're fine.
We're just Dogging.
Don't you need a car to go dogging? Yes.
Saving up for one.
In the meantime we just Use the bush.
What about Mr Gently there? Is he dogging too? Mr Glover.
How nice to see you.
Dirk Gently.
You seem very interested in the contents of my boot.
No.
No, no.
I'm sure you have perfectly reasonable explanations for all of those totally innocent items.
Leaping to conclusions again? Cos we all know where that lead to last time, don't we? Would you like to see what they're all for? Not really.
I insist.
We call ourselves From Jail To Jesus.
We're all ex-cons.
Now we're all saved.
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
We were given this hall on the condition we fixed it up.
So we are.
Good, well, that's very commendable.
Um Thank you so much for showing us around.
So what would you say was your favourite book of the Bible? Oh, God.
Sounds like a test, Mr Gently? Would it be a problem if it was? Do you have faith? Do you believe in anything? Yeah, I believe in things.
Yeah, I believe in The laws of physics, most of the time.
I believe that everyone and everything is interconnected in a way that isn't always immediately apparent.
And I also believe that one day we will all be brought to account.
A reckoning that I have tried to avoid my whole life.
Because I know I will be found wanting when I finally meet the Inland Revenue.
I pity you.
With no spiritual dimension to your life, you're barely half a man.
Really? Well, at least I didn't murder anybody.
Has God forgiven you for that? What are you going to do? Would you? Are you going to? Are you going to do it again then ask him to forgive you again? That'd be handy.
Is that what you do? You seem to be fishing, Mr Gently.
Are you saying there's nothing to catch in this river? I'm saying your waders have got a hole in them.
Well I'm very adept with a puncture repair kit.
What? To repair Listen to me! Listen, listen.
I have tried very, very hard, with Jesus at my side, to forgive you for what you did and it saddens me to tell you that I have failed, because I still hate you, I hate you! And even though it would mean my soul, if someone gave me a button to push that would end you, I would gladly push it.
Get off me.
Shhh Have a good night.
Right, we have to tell the police.
Tell them what? He's a killer.
You think he's a killer? He feels like a killer.
Agreed.
Let's look in his car.
Right.
No! Maybe don't break into the car of a probable mass murderer, Dirk! Relax.
I don't think this is our man.
What? Why? This is not the car of a man who leaves a spotless crime scene.
Check out the loop on his Js.
Oh, well, why didn't you say? Loops on his Js.
Of course he's innocent.
My recent experiments in this field have proven Dirk, call the police.
We should not be doing this.
There is nothing to tell the police.
This evidence This isn't evidence! This is nonsense.
I mean, why don't we be totally certain? Take him on as a client, see if he tries to kill himself, while we're being all logical.
We might have to.
We haven't got any other clients.
Yes, we do! We've got the woman from this morning.
The one you're stalking.
With a client killer on the loose.
But he's in the church hall.
But what if it's not him? Option two.
OPTION TWO.
What are you doing? I'm calling the office to get Janice to get us the address.
I've been stalking her for a month.
I know the way there.
Doesn't matter.
I got put through to a Chinese anyway.
Ah! I was wondering how long it'd take you to remember your latest client.
How did you know about her? I'm a detective, Gently.
You should try it.
Is that you, Mr Gently? Do come in.
Ms Fulstone was just telling me about her stalker.
It seems quite probable that there is a connection with the killing of your clients.
Oh, I strongly doubt that.
Really? I'd love to know why.
Sorry.
That's mine.
I'm such a scatterbrain.
Always losing my purse.
Is that right? That must be quite costly.
Oh, it's only money.
There are far more important things in life, I always say.
Gently? I believe you were about to enlighten us.
Speaking of which, I seem to find myself temporarily short of funds.
I wonder if you could possibly lend me £10? The £20 is fine.
Keep it.
As a gift.
Gently? I believe you were about to enlighten us.
Why isn't this stalker connected with the killings? Well, it's fairly straightforward really.
If you look at the case from all angles, and I do mean all Ms Fulstone only became our client because of the stalker.
Yeah! What he said.
So, if I might be so bold, do you have any plans for this coming Friday night? I'd love to.
Good.
All the same, regarding this stalker, I'm a firm believer in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.
Wouldn't you agree, Mr Gently? Yes, I have heard it said.
Or as I like to put it, there's no smoke without fire.
So he was in the garden you say? Yes.
Why are we still here? Because we're looking for the mystery stalker.
You're the stalker.
I know! Ah, yes, it's been messed with, hasn't it? Melinda's in danger and he's wasting his time with this nonsense.
If only we had a real suspect we could tell him about.
Hmm? Dirk? Yeah, I think somebody picked this lock.
Really? You actually came, the stalker actually came inside the house? It's more than likely, yes.
How horrible! We can't possibly guess at his motives.
They might be quite innocent.
Is there anything missing from this room? From this house? Just a minute.
I keep my receipts in a folder here.
Ah! They've gone.
I'll call a team out.
We'll dust for prints immediately.
Well, I'm sure the stalker was wearing gloves.
He'd have been pretty stupid not to, wouldn't he? Gently.
What are you doing? Just checking for evidence.
Just stop it! Step away from the sideboard.
I was just being thorough.
You were contaminating my crime scene.
And you are wasting time.
The real killer is out there somewhere, possibly planning to kill Ms Fulstone as we speak, and you're piddling around with this stalker nonsense.
It's not nonsense.
The killer was in this very room.
No, he wasn't! Because they're two different people! How can you possibly know that? Because I AM THE STALKER! Now we've got that settled, I hope we can put this stalker nonsense behind us and concentrate on catching the real killer.
And I sincerely hope this won't cast a cloud over our date on Friday.
Macduff, where the hell have you been? I'm going out of my mind in here.
I've made a list of things I need.
I've written toilet tissue twice because it's very important.
The stuff they have here is like tracing paper.
Are you going to ask how I am? Whatever's happened to you can't possibly compare to the seven hells I've been subjected to.
Two hours of Gilks, prodding and probing and accusing.
Did you do the stalking together? Have you ever stalked anyone else? And then I found out that another client has been murdered.
Yeah, Mr Forrester.
Weren't the police protecting him? Well, apparently, a policeman sleeping in a car outside isn't as much of a deterrent as we'd hoped.
Is Melinda OK? She's fine.
They've moved all the other clients to a safe house.
Including her.
So that's what three people dead now? You should know I told them about Robbie.
They're bringing him in.
And you know what? I really hope for your sake that he isn't the killer.
Because if he is, and you've kept his name from the police, then this last one's on you, Dirk.
And it's on me too, for listening to your crap.
You're free to go.
Is this a trick? Oh, I wish it was, no.
No, Ms Fulstone has agreed to drop all charges.
I don't know what your Mr Macduff said to her but it must have been very persuasive.
Now, most people, they don't get a second chance like this, Gently.
I implore you, please Mess it up.
I shall endeavour, to disappoint you.
Tosser! I understand I have you to thank for talking to Melinda.
What exactly did you tell her? The truth.
I know.
And she believed me.
In a way, I think she was weirdly flattered.
Well.
Thank you anyway.
Your new cleaner.
If you want her.
Ah, excellent.
When can she start? I don't know.
She seems very keen but her English isn't very good.
When I came in Janice was trying to translate on the net.
That doesn't sound like Janice.
I was trying to find the Polish for skinflint tosser.
You go here? Da? Yeah? You clean? You clean? You clean? Da? "Yes" is "tak" in Polish.
OK? And then you Hospital corners.
Yes? Tak? Hospital corners? Tak? Thank you.
Adios.
A convincing performance considering you've never cleaned anything in your life.
I find it useful to know your enemy.
I think you should know, Macduff I've decided to overlook your behaviour at the police station.
My behaviour? It's all right, Macduff.
We'll say no more about it.
No.
I think we will.
I'm not going to just sit here and let you Dirk Gently.
Thank you.
That was a friendly cleaner down at the police station, who I've bribed to keep me posted.
Bribed? Promised to bribe.
They're going releasing Robbie in half an hour due to lack of evidence.
What? I said he's not the killer.
I've been saying it all along.
And now the police agree with me.
They've searched his house from top to bottom.
Really? Yeah? Have they searched this? What's this? A receipt for a storage unit he rents.
It was in the papers you stole from his car, remember? Oh, let it go, Macduff.
He's not the killer.
Because of an untidy car and a loop on his J.
Yeah, and there was a time when that would have been enough for you.
Maybe I've grown up a little bit, Dirk.
Maybe I see through you.
I am getting a little tired of covering for you.
Paying bills for you and getting arrested for you.
Well I can assure you it's all very much appreciated.
It's not though, is it? Really, it's not.
Words like "appreciated", "thank you" are just like tricks to you.
You wheel them out when you need to, but you don't really mean them.
Not really.
It's just grease to keep things moving along.
And you know what, when it was just me getting dumped on, that's I can handle that.
But someone is killing our clients, Dirk.
People are dying.
And you're still just doing the same little dance you've always done.
And you know what? I don't want to watch it anymore.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
That was quite a speech.
I don't suppose it would hurt to have a little look around.
If you don't, I will.
I thought you'd had enough.
Of this absolutely.
But I'm going to see this through.
Right, well, I can search the unit, you can keep an eye on Robbie.
OK.
But, Dirk, when this is over, I'm done.
Is he moving? No.
But I think I know why he needed those syringes though.
Handing them out to drug addicts.
It's a clean syringe programme thing.
Any luck your end? 'No.
' Oh, no, wait, there's a big sign here, it says, "Told you so, Macduff.
" Oh, that's funny.
There's a sign right here that says you're walking home.
Oh, don't be a baby.
Macduff? Tell me you're on the way.
I stopped to fill up but I'm nearly there.
You were right.
What? What have you found? Where's Robbie? I don't know? I stopped following him.
You said it was a dead end.
Dirk, what are you What's happening? I'm not going back to jail.
I.
AM.
NOT.
GOING.
BACK.
I'm never going back to jail.
Are you OK? Dirk? Come on.
Having a bit of a clear out? No, this is a feng shui approach I'm trialling, clear office, clear mind.
Clear bank account? Clients can be so skittish, can't they? Avoiding you just because of a few pesky murders.
You seem a little short handed today.
Where is Mr Macduff? He's taking some personal days.
He'll be back.
Oh, oh, I see.
So, you'll be glad to hear that Robert Glover has been officially charged with the murders.
The poison found in his syringes matched that used in the killings.
Oh, and he had a notebook detailing everything he'd like to do to you, if he ever got you alone, but then we've all got those.
Gilks, if I'd told you about Robbie, earlier, would it have helped? Do you mean, would more people have lived? Probably, yes.
Goodbye, Gently.
Goodbye, Gilks.
Hello, Dirk.
Are you OK? I started writing you a note but that's the coward's way out.
It's Roger.
He came round last night.
Federico has thrown him out for looking at other women.
So obviously that changes things a little.
I know you'll think I'm weak but I've decided to give him another chance.
He's says that he might That's not your handwriting.
What do you mean? Yes it is.
Did you hear what I said about Roger? Yes, yes, Roger's straight again.
But this isn't the handwriting you used on your car insurance form.
How did you see my car insurance form? Part of my stalking for which I believe I've already been forgiven.
I broke my wrist in the crash.
It's only just now really back to normal.
So Marta has been doing all my paperwork.
Did Macduff not explain about my handwriting experiment? Oh, that.
I'm afraid I didn't listen to all of it.
Roger was always the brain box of the two of us.
I'm not really a big fan of ideas.
I've been watching the wrong woman.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Tell me, your cleaner, does she have a trusting nature? Not at all.
She phoned the police the last time the gas man came round.
And is she bad with money? Lord, no.
She saves up every penny to send back home.
So much for handwriting.
Melinda, thank you for being so honest.
It's a terrible blow but what can you do? C'est la vie.
I wish you all the luck in the world with Roger.
I'll see myself out.
Macduff! What are doing here? You called me.
I did? I did! You said it was a matter of life or death.
Quite possibly.
Yes.
You said you were going on a dream quest and you'd overdosed on LSD.
Those were both very good ideas but I've had some new ones since then.
I take it the new cleaner's working out? Oh, yes.
Incredibly keen.
Wonderful woman.
Working her way through the flat.
Building up courage to tackle the bedroom.
I thought this case was closed? Well, from a strictly Newtonian view of the universe, yes.
But from a quantum perspective, possibly not.
Wow.
You really are desperate for work aren't you?.
Trying to unsolve a case.
There's something in my subconscious that will not let this case rest.
An etheric stone in the shoe of my ego.
A repressed hangnail on the finger of my OK.
Well, I wish you all the best of luck with that, Dirk.
I'll see you around.
What? You can't leave.
I need you, Macduff.
You need me? No.
That is to say, you are the grit around which the pearl of truth often forms.
Your plain speaking everyman perspective is a useful counterpoint.
No, no, don't ruin it.
And you're a very good sounding board for my more outlandish theories.
You mean, you think better when you're showing off.
There you go.
Cutting straight to the heart of the matter.
OK.
OK.
I'll stay.
Just so we're clear, this doesn't mean I'm coming back.
I'll just grant you this favour.
A one time deal.
Fair enough.
So what have we got so far? I don't believe that Robbie is the killer.
You just won't let that go, will you? The events that lead us to uncover his guilt felt a little too direct.
My methods usually necessitate, no, demand more circuitous routes.
Involving the sudden convergence of seemingly disparate threads.
So you think Robbie isn't the killer because we easily found evidence to suggest he is the killer.
Exactly! And what about the small matter of him trying to strangle you? Yes, I admit that in the heat of the moment, he did try to brutally murder me.
But what if he attacked me not because I'd found his wall of evidence, but because he'd never seen it before and he assumed that I'd planted it.
I know, I know.
Even if someone else did plant evidence, framed Robbie, why? What's the point? Er Ah! Well, it would get the clients out of hiding.
Melinda for one.
Talking of which, are you expecting company? Hmm? Oh.
No, Melinda switched the venue to hers.
Where she politely informed me that she's got back with her newly straight husband.
Oh, um, hello, we won't be needing the What's Polish for pot roast? Oh, it doesn't matter! Well, for what it's worth I'm sorry, Dirk.
Oh, don't be.
Turns out the handwriting I thought was hers was actually her cleaners.
So you should have been stalking her cleaner? She's your perfect woman.
No.
Not at all.
Her traits didn't match her handwriting.
The whole thing is obviously bunk.
Yes.
It would be, wouldn't it? On her wages.
Right, Dirk? Gah! All the pieces are here.
I'm sure of it.
I just don't know what they mean.
At least not consciously.
I'm sure my subconscious has already worked this out and has it's feet up with a cup of tea.
What? Nothing.
Just you babbling nonsense.
Me popping your ego.
I've missed this.
Not enough to come back but, you know.
Well I'll glad my nonsense has entertained you.
I don't know.
I just feel it's staring me in the face.
If only I could see it.
Whoops.
How clumsy of me.
There I go again.
Butterfingers.
What are you doing? You made a mess.
I hate the mess.
If you wanted a pay rise, you just had to ask.
Dirk Gently.
It was on my answer phone.
Rosa Valchenko, hired assassin, codename The Cleaner.
Your cleaner's codename was The Cleaner? I know.
These cold-blooded killers, no imagination.
Look.
Wanted by the FBI and Interpol.
And check out the reward.
That's nice.
That's Hawaiian beach nice.
Or I could rent the office again.
Pay off the debts.
Yeah? It's your money.
No.
It's our money.
Are you OK? Fair's fair.
I wouldn't have cracked this without you.
Thanks.
So, don't you want to know how it all happened? Who the evil genius was behind it all? Yeah, go on then.
Blow my mind.
Who? Janice.
Janice? Secretary Janice? No.
I mean I know she's got mixed feelings for you but In revenge for me not paying her wages, Janice diverted all the office calls to a very cheap messaging system.
So cheap in fact that many of the calls mistakenly ended up in other people's inboxes, taxi firms, Chinese restaurants, and our very exclusive assassin.
Now, her number was only supposed to be known by mob bosses, who would ring up with the names of targets.
But then clients of mine started leaving their names and addresses.
Neil Tendall.
46 Wenton Street.
235 Upper Macmillan, E3 Nigel McClusky, number 4, The Stables.
Mr Fredericks, 9 Fullmore Crescent, Barking.
Little realising that they were signing their own death warrants.
After a while, when nothing showed up in her account, she realised the error and sent those heavies round to try and get the money off me.
You pay cleaner.
Even when she knew it was a mistake, she still wouldn't stop killing.
Her guarantee is that any name left on that number would be killed.
So she framed Robbie by tipping us off about his storage unit, where she planted all the bogus evidence.
With Robbie behind bars, the police withdrew their protection for our remaining clients.
So ultimately, this whole thing was caused by your cheapness? I think the universe is trying to tell you something, Gently.
Well, you could also argue that his cheapness saved us this evening.
If he'd paid his plumber, then there'd be no hole in the floor and we wouldn't be alive.
You two deserve each other.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
He's an arse.
I'm sorry that things didn't work out with you and Melinda.
Ah, plenty more clients in the sea, Macduff.
Speaking of which What's that? It came this morning.
A series of bizarre frauds have been committed by a man with extreme body odour.
I suspect him of using pheromonal influence.
Pheromonal what-what? Oh, come on, Macduff, you must be aware of the power of pheromones.
It's why CEOs of Fortune 500 companies don't wash.
You're making this up! It's scientific fact.
An unwashed armpit can make all the difference anywhere from a back alley knife fight to a high-powered board meeting.
It just gives you that little extra edge.
That certainly explains your personal hygiene.
It's not odour, Macduff.
This is armour.
It's certainly strong, I'll give you that.
'Welcome to Paneljacks answering service.
'Please choose from the following options.
' Gently! 'Could you repeat' This is your final warning.
Option two.
If you do not open this door we will force an entry.
'I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Could you repeat?' OPTION.
TWO! 'Thank you.
Putting you through, to option three.
' Gaah! Go! Go! Go! Upstairs.
Landing clear, sir.
'Welcome to Paneljacks answering service.
' Oh, just a small matter he might be able to help us with.
Do you think he might be out with a client? It's unlikely, we haven't had any for months.
Somebody broke our phones.
You'll get your messages when I get paid.
Sorry about that.
Staff issues.
That's perfectly fine.
She works for Gently.
She deserves a medal.
Thank you! So, no current clients.
You wouldn't happen to have a list of former clients by any chance? Yeah.
We've Um I very much doubt he's out with any of these though.
He owes most of them money.
Even so.
Probably get them checked out, you know.
Cross the t's, dot the i's.
Can I just ask what have they got to do with this? What's he done? Just tell him that two of his clients have been murdered and so far he's the only connection.
So yes, we'd really like to talk to him.
For his own protection, naturally.
Goodbye, my dear.
He's still out there, Dirk.
You need to talk to him, Dirk.
Macduff.
Wash your mouth out.
Are we at death's door? We have no more ideas in our heads? 'Notice of eviction'? That's a new one, isn't it? Yes it is.
You'll have to create a whole new pile, right next to the final demands.
What are you looking for? My passport.
I feel that the solution will found on the beach of other country, preferably one that has no extradition treaty.
What? You're just going to go? It seems a sensible course of action.
What about the business? Macduff, I have taught you all I know about avoiding bills.
It's time for my little bird to fly the nest.
Fine.
You know what, you go.
I'm just the mug who though you might actually need me.
Oh, Macduff.
What the hell is she doing here? Mr Gently? Er, yes.
Please.
This is my assistant Macduff.
Partner.
Assistant Partner.
I Please.
I tried ringing first, but it went into this sort of queuing system.
Yes.
We're very busy.
So busy we don't even have time to tidy up.
Wow.
You must be incredibly busy.
Yes indeed we are, Miss? Melinda.
Melinda Fulstone.
Melinda.
Melinda Fulstone.
Sorry.
Your face really rings a bell.
Have we met? Eh No, I'm sure I would remember such a memorable event.
Sorry.
Could you, er I am told I have one of those faces.
No.
Can't place it.
Macduff! Miss Fulstone, I am very eager to hear what brought you to our humble office this morning.
I am unusual in that my mind works much better when in motion, blood pumping to the brain as it were.
Perhaps you'd care to join us for a brisk stroll across our roof? What the hell.
Why not? Great! Gilks! Why am I not surprised you've got an escape route? I find it prudent to plan for every eventuality.
If you could Open the door and point them to the pin board? It will be my pleasure.
Gently! Somebody stalking you? Whatever leads you to this worrying conclusion? Little things, but it all adds up, mail going missing, I've got this motion sensing light thing, somebody broke it.
Oh, I saw this man watching me with some binoculars.
Maybe I should have started with that.
Did you get a good look at his face? No.
It's was dark and he ran off when I chased him but To be honest I did run quite slowly.
I didn't really want to catch him that much.
That was lucky.
For the stalker.
The police say they won't do anything without more proof.
I said, "What, my dead body?" but they just laughed.
I said, "I'm not joking.
" The police! They can be so heartless.
Those bastards.
My brain's working well, but to give your case the attention it deserves, what do you say we get the blood really pumping? I'm game.
Good.
There they are! That was great! All meetings should be like that.
We do it all the time.
I've been cooped up at home for weeks you see.
I had a bit of a car crash, thing.
I'm sorry to hear it.
I've been trying to follow that idea of doing one thing every day that scares you.
Well then you'll be pleased to hear that we normally round it off with a little high speed driving.
Just to clear the pipes.
Come on you beautiful bitch.
Not you.
Ah-ha! You must live a very exciting life, Mr Gently.
It may seem that way, but it can be quite solitary sometimes.
I was recently divorced myself.
I'm sorry to hear it.
Oh, don't be.
When Roger ran off with the pool cleaner it was painful at first, but in time I came to see as a blessing in disguise.
I was finally free to live the life I had denied myself.
And I will live it.
That is inspirational.
I mean, of course there's always the worry that something about me put him off women for life.
Ms Fulstone, the idea that you could ever put a man off intercourse with females is frankly ludicrous.
That's very sweet of you to say.
Mainly because sexual preference is now commonly held to be a genetic predisposition.
The chances are he was never truly attracted to you in the first place.
Or he could be bisexual.
Well.
You've certainly given me a lot to think about.
Ms Fulstone, Ms Fulstone, I'm almost ashamed to mention this but regarding your case, there is the delicate issue of our fee.
Oh, don't worry about that, it's Roger's money not mine.
And the more of it he loses the better.
Taxi! Ms Fulstone, I am supremely confident that we will be able to fit you into our very busy schedule.
Hampstead.
Well, that was quite a performance.
So when are you planning on solving this one, before or after you flee the country? Ah.
The murders.
Yes.
Well not to worry, Macduff.
I am sure this case will be but a moment's work.
So you're staying? I didn't say that but, I have confidence I can solve this case before my flight.
Oh, really? You're an expert at catching stalkers now, are you? As a collective noun, not especially.
But this particular stalker, I believe we may have more luck with.
As it's actually me.
It's what? What do you mean it's you? I mean that for the last month I have been secretly observing Ms Fulstone as part of a scientific experiment.
You're the stalker? I prefer the term covert experimenter.
One night I'm sure she saw my face, but luckily she doesn't seem to have recognised me.
I assume she obtained my card from the window of her local newsagents, where I left it during a much needed refreshment break in my surveillance.
Of course.
I'm sure.
It's thirsty work, stalking.
Graphology, handwriting as an indicator of personality.
You stalked her to see if her character matched her handwriting? And indeed it did.
Her behaviour, her interests, all a perfect match.
Ha-ha! I mean, most people would just go to a wine bar to meet a woman.
Or a nightclub.
I am not, most people.
Oh, I know that.
I found your list, "handwriting traits for the perfect woman".
I do have a very specific set of needs.
Yeah.
I see that.
Gullibility, bad with finances? To be honest, it sounds more like the perfect mark for you to fleece.
I will confess that when I first formulated this project I was a little more mercenary.
But now I've met Miss Fulstone in the flesh You fancy her.
She does has certain physical and facial characteristics that evolution has deemed to be more alluring to prospective mates, yes.
Maybe don't say it exactly like that on a date.
Hurry up, Macduff.
How did you even find her? Her handwriting I mean.
An old client owed me a favour.
He leant me a pile of handwritten claim forms from his car insurance company.
His ladies only insurance company.
Clever.
And very, very creepy.
Come, Macduff.
Once I'm safe on some beach in Puerto Rico, you can tell Ms Fulstone, without a word of a lie, that her stalker has left the country.
OK, passport, passport, passport.
Wow! The police really tore this place apart.
I'm afraid not, Macduff.
That minor disagreement with my cleaner has escalated somewhat.
Er, look in the, er Do you know how much smoother your life would run if you just paid people occasionally? Oh, Macduff, the situation has gone way beyond mere money.
I haven't paid her for a year.
Most people would have quit by now.
But not Elena.
Oh, no.
She's Eastern European.
Hardy.
Probably distantly related to the Borgias.
She continues to come here for two hours every day, stubbornly avoiding doing anything resembling actual cleaning.
In retaliation, I have, of course, become messier and messier.
It's like a surreal horror movie for OCD sufferers.
With Elena as the vampiric witch of the piece.
But she's got a heart of gold really.
Salt of the Earth.
Lovely woman.
Oh, hello.
Recently things have taken a much darker turn.
Every day she places that rug in that exact position.
It is a warning, Macduff.
Plainly, yeah.
It's terrifying.
Pick it up.
Oh, that is dark.
She sawed a hole in your floor? No.
The hole was there already.
It was a memento of my previous dispute with that plumber, if you remember.
Are you sensing a theme here, Dirk? Oh.
I was sure it was around here somewhere.
Detective Inspector Gilks.
And you found my passport.
I am so glad you've decided to forgo legal representation.
It makes things so much simpler.
On the contrary.
I'm representing myself.
As I said.
Simple.
So.
Two, dead, people.
Do you recognise them? I've been advised by my legal counsel to neither confirm nor deny anything.
But you're your own legal Look, there is no need to confirm.
We know they were your clients.
Now, apparently, they died of a heart attack.
Aged 27 and 48.
It happens, but not very often.
Coroner got suspicious.
Dug a little deeper, found a very rare toxin in their bloodstream.
They were murdered.
And you think that I, my client, murdered them? No, of course not.
What possible motive could What? We don't think you did it.
But you broke down my door! We thought you were in danger.
Possibly already dead.
You chased me across a roof.
We were trying to protect you.
Gently, you are many things.
Many annoying, incompetent things, but you are not a killer.
At least not intentionally.
I am sure your blithering ineptitude will kill someone one day.
But, you know, not with this level of skill.
This is the work of a professional.
My client informs me that he could have killed them if he'd wanted to.
Would you kindly advise your client to stop incriminating himself.
My client resents the slanderous implication that he's so incompetent that he couldn't commit a couple of simple murders.
God, you really don't make it easy to help you, do you? OK, fine.
Fine.
I am sure that you are perfectly capable of killing anyone you like.
How's that? Now, can we just move on? My client concurs.
Think.
Think about it, Gently.
What this does sounds like, eh? The poison, the spotless crime scene A ghost hit.
My client wishes me to pass on his scathing laughter and scorn.
Fine.
But somebody did it.
Somebody is killing your old clients.
It may end here.
It may not.
We're guarding all of those that we can find but I strongly recommend that you accept police protection for the time being.
For your own safety.
But you can't force me.
Well, no.
If you don't accept it, you're a fool.
But that's never stopped you before.
Then I think I'll be on my way.
Look, is there anyone you can think of, anyone with a big enough grudge to want to do this? The biggest thorn in my side is in this room.
So unless there's something you'd like to confess You're right, Gently.
Your biggest problem is in this room.
But it isn't me.
Ohhh.
Ohhh.
A ghost is a kind of exclusive hit man.
Traditionally only used by mob bosses.
The idea is, you simply supply the name of the target.
You never meet the killer, they never meet you.
Money disappears from your bank account and the target winds up dead.
Supposedly from natural causes in a spotless crime scene.
Only no-one's ever been able to prove they exist.
Mainly because it's total rubbish.
Are you OK? What? No.
Fine! I'm fine.
Someone's killing my old clients, maybe saving me till last, but it's just another case to solve isn't it? OK, OK.
Why don't you stop for a breath and let's go find somewhere and sit down? What? No.
No.
I'm taking the case, which means I'm suddenly my own client and therefore much more of a target.
Well, I don't think the killer would know.
Unless he's telepathic.
Maybe he is.
I'm guessing hired muscle, probably an east London gang.
You pay cleaner.
Or, they're from my cleaner.
This is about the cleaner? Thank god.
I thought they were going to kill us.
She's certainly raising her game.
Bravo.
It's fine.
It's fine.
He's going to pay her.
Won't you? You can tell my so-called cleaner Ahh! In one day.
You pay.
Otherwise.
Security number two-three-nine.
No.
OK.
Yep.
Thank you.
I have paid my cleaner.
I've paid your cleaner.
Mere semantics, Macduff.
I always wondered what it'd take to get you to pay for something.
I guess I now know, broken fingers and death threats from mobsters.
They sound like my kind of people.
Thank you, Janice.
Is this a different Notice of Eviction from the first one? Oh, yeah.
Just a clerical error.
Nothing to worry about.
What are you doing now? I'm trying to find a new cleaner You've seen my place.
It's a tip.
People are dying.
Maybe we should sort out that little problem first.
When a man looses sight of his carpet, then he is no longer a man.
Besides, I'm sure you'll find that all these little problems will prove to be interconnected in ways that you can't possibly No.
No, sorry.
I'm not going to let you get away with that.
I'm not going to let you get away with pulling your same old tricks of doing whatever the hell you want and just hoping that all the dots connect together at the end.
They usually do.
That's not the point, Dirk.
There's too much at stake.
You faffing around now could get people killed.
How dare you! I do not faff.
Besides what happened to, "Don't leave me, Dirk, I might get lonely?" I never said that Exactly.
And even if I did, that was before I found out about Dirk the stalker and got mugged by gangsters.
Can we please, just for once, act like regular detectives? And if you need to justify that to yourself, just look at me now, here, in this moment, getting angry as just another little part of the whole web of interconnected cause and effect.
That actually makes sense.
Really? Really.
OK.
All right.
So What have we got? Who do you think could be doing this? You framed anyone for murder recently? The only murderer I've framed Is in prison.
Wait.
What? Sorry, you've actually done that? At least he was.
Until two months ago.
Robbie Glover.
Ten years ago he was the prime suspect in one of my first cases.
It was a penny ante case of office supply theft in an insurance firm.
Plenty of suspects, no evidence.
Which was odd, because there were cameras everywhere.
But the post-it notes kept disappearing.
And then I realised that the answer was staring me in the face.
Who watches the watchmen? The sweaty, twitchy watchmen.
I was convinced that I had my man.
So much so that I saw the lack of evidence as no obstacle at all.
It was an early prototype of my fundamental interconnectedness of all things theory.
The whoever you frame will turn out to be guilty theory? Yes.
Pretty much.
But it turned out he was utterly innocent.
No-one had stolen anything.
Someone had put a decimal point in the wrong place.
So they thought they should have had 20,000 post-it notes rather than 20.
You said you framed him for murder.
Oh, well the decimal point thing was only discovered later.
By then the police had searched his flat and they discovered his brother's body buried in the chest freezer.
Ah.
So technically I framed him for post-it note theft, which lead to the discovery of a murder.
But it wasn't a distinction he seemed to care about at the time.
Dirk? I vividly remember his threats toward me from the dock.
Very colourful.
Very specific about certain body parts being inserted inside other body parts.
Dirk? I can't see him.
Oh, no.
He's over there.
Oh, yeah.
Come on then.
What did he buy? Huh? What did he buy? Syringes.
Really? You could inject poison with syringes.
Wow.
Your mind is like a machine.
Or, he could just be diabetic.
Oh, and he bought bleach.
Bleach.
Enemy of DNA.
The killer's best friend.
Or, could have mouldy shower curtains.
Ah-ha! OK.
I will admit, taken out of context, it doesn't look good.
On the contrary.
It looks very good.
I think we've found our man.
I can't think of many uses for those items, that don't involve a dead body and a shallow grave.
Would you like a closer look? I've seen you.
Hello.
We're fine.
We're just Dogging.
Don't you need a car to go dogging? Yes.
Saving up for one.
In the meantime we just Use the bush.
What about Mr Gently there? Is he dogging too? Mr Glover.
How nice to see you.
Dirk Gently.
You seem very interested in the contents of my boot.
No.
No, no.
I'm sure you have perfectly reasonable explanations for all of those totally innocent items.
Leaping to conclusions again? Cos we all know where that lead to last time, don't we? Would you like to see what they're all for? Not really.
I insist.
We call ourselves From Jail To Jesus.
We're all ex-cons.
Now we're all saved.
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
We were given this hall on the condition we fixed it up.
So we are.
Good, well, that's very commendable.
Um Thank you so much for showing us around.
So what would you say was your favourite book of the Bible? Oh, God.
Sounds like a test, Mr Gently? Would it be a problem if it was? Do you have faith? Do you believe in anything? Yeah, I believe in things.
Yeah, I believe in The laws of physics, most of the time.
I believe that everyone and everything is interconnected in a way that isn't always immediately apparent.
And I also believe that one day we will all be brought to account.
A reckoning that I have tried to avoid my whole life.
Because I know I will be found wanting when I finally meet the Inland Revenue.
I pity you.
With no spiritual dimension to your life, you're barely half a man.
Really? Well, at least I didn't murder anybody.
Has God forgiven you for that? What are you going to do? Would you? Are you going to? Are you going to do it again then ask him to forgive you again? That'd be handy.
Is that what you do? You seem to be fishing, Mr Gently.
Are you saying there's nothing to catch in this river? I'm saying your waders have got a hole in them.
Well I'm very adept with a puncture repair kit.
What? To repair Listen to me! Listen, listen.
I have tried very, very hard, with Jesus at my side, to forgive you for what you did and it saddens me to tell you that I have failed, because I still hate you, I hate you! And even though it would mean my soul, if someone gave me a button to push that would end you, I would gladly push it.
Get off me.
Shhh Have a good night.
Right, we have to tell the police.
Tell them what? He's a killer.
You think he's a killer? He feels like a killer.
Agreed.
Let's look in his car.
Right.
No! Maybe don't break into the car of a probable mass murderer, Dirk! Relax.
I don't think this is our man.
What? Why? This is not the car of a man who leaves a spotless crime scene.
Check out the loop on his Js.
Oh, well, why didn't you say? Loops on his Js.
Of course he's innocent.
My recent experiments in this field have proven Dirk, call the police.
We should not be doing this.
There is nothing to tell the police.
This evidence This isn't evidence! This is nonsense.
I mean, why don't we be totally certain? Take him on as a client, see if he tries to kill himself, while we're being all logical.
We might have to.
We haven't got any other clients.
Yes, we do! We've got the woman from this morning.
The one you're stalking.
With a client killer on the loose.
But he's in the church hall.
But what if it's not him? Option two.
OPTION TWO.
What are you doing? I'm calling the office to get Janice to get us the address.
I've been stalking her for a month.
I know the way there.
Doesn't matter.
I got put through to a Chinese anyway.
Ah! I was wondering how long it'd take you to remember your latest client.
How did you know about her? I'm a detective, Gently.
You should try it.
Is that you, Mr Gently? Do come in.
Ms Fulstone was just telling me about her stalker.
It seems quite probable that there is a connection with the killing of your clients.
Oh, I strongly doubt that.
Really? I'd love to know why.
Sorry.
That's mine.
I'm such a scatterbrain.
Always losing my purse.
Is that right? That must be quite costly.
Oh, it's only money.
There are far more important things in life, I always say.
Gently? I believe you were about to enlighten us.
Speaking of which, I seem to find myself temporarily short of funds.
I wonder if you could possibly lend me £10? The £20 is fine.
Keep it.
As a gift.
Gently? I believe you were about to enlighten us.
Why isn't this stalker connected with the killings? Well, it's fairly straightforward really.
If you look at the case from all angles, and I do mean all Ms Fulstone only became our client because of the stalker.
Yeah! What he said.
So, if I might be so bold, do you have any plans for this coming Friday night? I'd love to.
Good.
All the same, regarding this stalker, I'm a firm believer in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.
Wouldn't you agree, Mr Gently? Yes, I have heard it said.
Or as I like to put it, there's no smoke without fire.
So he was in the garden you say? Yes.
Why are we still here? Because we're looking for the mystery stalker.
You're the stalker.
I know! Ah, yes, it's been messed with, hasn't it? Melinda's in danger and he's wasting his time with this nonsense.
If only we had a real suspect we could tell him about.
Hmm? Dirk? Yeah, I think somebody picked this lock.
Really? You actually came, the stalker actually came inside the house? It's more than likely, yes.
How horrible! We can't possibly guess at his motives.
They might be quite innocent.
Is there anything missing from this room? From this house? Just a minute.
I keep my receipts in a folder here.
Ah! They've gone.
I'll call a team out.
We'll dust for prints immediately.
Well, I'm sure the stalker was wearing gloves.
He'd have been pretty stupid not to, wouldn't he? Gently.
What are you doing? Just checking for evidence.
Just stop it! Step away from the sideboard.
I was just being thorough.
You were contaminating my crime scene.
And you are wasting time.
The real killer is out there somewhere, possibly planning to kill Ms Fulstone as we speak, and you're piddling around with this stalker nonsense.
It's not nonsense.
The killer was in this very room.
No, he wasn't! Because they're two different people! How can you possibly know that? Because I AM THE STALKER! Now we've got that settled, I hope we can put this stalker nonsense behind us and concentrate on catching the real killer.
And I sincerely hope this won't cast a cloud over our date on Friday.
Macduff, where the hell have you been? I'm going out of my mind in here.
I've made a list of things I need.
I've written toilet tissue twice because it's very important.
The stuff they have here is like tracing paper.
Are you going to ask how I am? Whatever's happened to you can't possibly compare to the seven hells I've been subjected to.
Two hours of Gilks, prodding and probing and accusing.
Did you do the stalking together? Have you ever stalked anyone else? And then I found out that another client has been murdered.
Yeah, Mr Forrester.
Weren't the police protecting him? Well, apparently, a policeman sleeping in a car outside isn't as much of a deterrent as we'd hoped.
Is Melinda OK? She's fine.
They've moved all the other clients to a safe house.
Including her.
So that's what three people dead now? You should know I told them about Robbie.
They're bringing him in.
And you know what? I really hope for your sake that he isn't the killer.
Because if he is, and you've kept his name from the police, then this last one's on you, Dirk.
And it's on me too, for listening to your crap.
You're free to go.
Is this a trick? Oh, I wish it was, no.
No, Ms Fulstone has agreed to drop all charges.
I don't know what your Mr Macduff said to her but it must have been very persuasive.
Now, most people, they don't get a second chance like this, Gently.
I implore you, please Mess it up.
I shall endeavour, to disappoint you.
Tosser! I understand I have you to thank for talking to Melinda.
What exactly did you tell her? The truth.
I know.
And she believed me.
In a way, I think she was weirdly flattered.
Well.
Thank you anyway.
Your new cleaner.
If you want her.
Ah, excellent.
When can she start? I don't know.
She seems very keen but her English isn't very good.
When I came in Janice was trying to translate on the net.
That doesn't sound like Janice.
I was trying to find the Polish for skinflint tosser.
You go here? Da? Yeah? You clean? You clean? You clean? Da? "Yes" is "tak" in Polish.
OK? And then you Hospital corners.
Yes? Tak? Hospital corners? Tak? Thank you.
Adios.
A convincing performance considering you've never cleaned anything in your life.
I find it useful to know your enemy.
I think you should know, Macduff I've decided to overlook your behaviour at the police station.
My behaviour? It's all right, Macduff.
We'll say no more about it.
No.
I think we will.
I'm not going to just sit here and let you Dirk Gently.
Thank you.
That was a friendly cleaner down at the police station, who I've bribed to keep me posted.
Bribed? Promised to bribe.
They're going releasing Robbie in half an hour due to lack of evidence.
What? I said he's not the killer.
I've been saying it all along.
And now the police agree with me.
They've searched his house from top to bottom.
Really? Yeah? Have they searched this? What's this? A receipt for a storage unit he rents.
It was in the papers you stole from his car, remember? Oh, let it go, Macduff.
He's not the killer.
Because of an untidy car and a loop on his J.
Yeah, and there was a time when that would have been enough for you.
Maybe I've grown up a little bit, Dirk.
Maybe I see through you.
I am getting a little tired of covering for you.
Paying bills for you and getting arrested for you.
Well I can assure you it's all very much appreciated.
It's not though, is it? Really, it's not.
Words like "appreciated", "thank you" are just like tricks to you.
You wheel them out when you need to, but you don't really mean them.
Not really.
It's just grease to keep things moving along.
And you know what, when it was just me getting dumped on, that's I can handle that.
But someone is killing our clients, Dirk.
People are dying.
And you're still just doing the same little dance you've always done.
And you know what? I don't want to watch it anymore.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
That was quite a speech.
I don't suppose it would hurt to have a little look around.
If you don't, I will.
I thought you'd had enough.
Of this absolutely.
But I'm going to see this through.
Right, well, I can search the unit, you can keep an eye on Robbie.
OK.
But, Dirk, when this is over, I'm done.
Is he moving? No.
But I think I know why he needed those syringes though.
Handing them out to drug addicts.
It's a clean syringe programme thing.
Any luck your end? 'No.
' Oh, no, wait, there's a big sign here, it says, "Told you so, Macduff.
" Oh, that's funny.
There's a sign right here that says you're walking home.
Oh, don't be a baby.
Macduff? Tell me you're on the way.
I stopped to fill up but I'm nearly there.
You were right.
What? What have you found? Where's Robbie? I don't know? I stopped following him.
You said it was a dead end.
Dirk, what are you What's happening? I'm not going back to jail.
I.
AM.
NOT.
GOING.
BACK.
I'm never going back to jail.
Are you OK? Dirk? Come on.
Having a bit of a clear out? No, this is a feng shui approach I'm trialling, clear office, clear mind.
Clear bank account? Clients can be so skittish, can't they? Avoiding you just because of a few pesky murders.
You seem a little short handed today.
Where is Mr Macduff? He's taking some personal days.
He'll be back.
Oh, oh, I see.
So, you'll be glad to hear that Robert Glover has been officially charged with the murders.
The poison found in his syringes matched that used in the killings.
Oh, and he had a notebook detailing everything he'd like to do to you, if he ever got you alone, but then we've all got those.
Gilks, if I'd told you about Robbie, earlier, would it have helped? Do you mean, would more people have lived? Probably, yes.
Goodbye, Gently.
Goodbye, Gilks.
Hello, Dirk.
Are you OK? I started writing you a note but that's the coward's way out.
It's Roger.
He came round last night.
Federico has thrown him out for looking at other women.
So obviously that changes things a little.
I know you'll think I'm weak but I've decided to give him another chance.
He's says that he might That's not your handwriting.
What do you mean? Yes it is.
Did you hear what I said about Roger? Yes, yes, Roger's straight again.
But this isn't the handwriting you used on your car insurance form.
How did you see my car insurance form? Part of my stalking for which I believe I've already been forgiven.
I broke my wrist in the crash.
It's only just now really back to normal.
So Marta has been doing all my paperwork.
Did Macduff not explain about my handwriting experiment? Oh, that.
I'm afraid I didn't listen to all of it.
Roger was always the brain box of the two of us.
I'm not really a big fan of ideas.
I've been watching the wrong woman.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Tell me, your cleaner, does she have a trusting nature? Not at all.
She phoned the police the last time the gas man came round.
And is she bad with money? Lord, no.
She saves up every penny to send back home.
So much for handwriting.
Melinda, thank you for being so honest.
It's a terrible blow but what can you do? C'est la vie.
I wish you all the luck in the world with Roger.
I'll see myself out.
Macduff! What are doing here? You called me.
I did? I did! You said it was a matter of life or death.
Quite possibly.
Yes.
You said you were going on a dream quest and you'd overdosed on LSD.
Those were both very good ideas but I've had some new ones since then.
I take it the new cleaner's working out? Oh, yes.
Incredibly keen.
Wonderful woman.
Working her way through the flat.
Building up courage to tackle the bedroom.
I thought this case was closed? Well, from a strictly Newtonian view of the universe, yes.
But from a quantum perspective, possibly not.
Wow.
You really are desperate for work aren't you?.
Trying to unsolve a case.
There's something in my subconscious that will not let this case rest.
An etheric stone in the shoe of my ego.
A repressed hangnail on the finger of my OK.
Well, I wish you all the best of luck with that, Dirk.
I'll see you around.
What? You can't leave.
I need you, Macduff.
You need me? No.
That is to say, you are the grit around which the pearl of truth often forms.
Your plain speaking everyman perspective is a useful counterpoint.
No, no, don't ruin it.
And you're a very good sounding board for my more outlandish theories.
You mean, you think better when you're showing off.
There you go.
Cutting straight to the heart of the matter.
OK.
OK.
I'll stay.
Just so we're clear, this doesn't mean I'm coming back.
I'll just grant you this favour.
A one time deal.
Fair enough.
So what have we got so far? I don't believe that Robbie is the killer.
You just won't let that go, will you? The events that lead us to uncover his guilt felt a little too direct.
My methods usually necessitate, no, demand more circuitous routes.
Involving the sudden convergence of seemingly disparate threads.
So you think Robbie isn't the killer because we easily found evidence to suggest he is the killer.
Exactly! And what about the small matter of him trying to strangle you? Yes, I admit that in the heat of the moment, he did try to brutally murder me.
But what if he attacked me not because I'd found his wall of evidence, but because he'd never seen it before and he assumed that I'd planted it.
I know, I know.
Even if someone else did plant evidence, framed Robbie, why? What's the point? Er Ah! Well, it would get the clients out of hiding.
Melinda for one.
Talking of which, are you expecting company? Hmm? Oh.
No, Melinda switched the venue to hers.
Where she politely informed me that she's got back with her newly straight husband.
Oh, um, hello, we won't be needing the What's Polish for pot roast? Oh, it doesn't matter! Well, for what it's worth I'm sorry, Dirk.
Oh, don't be.
Turns out the handwriting I thought was hers was actually her cleaners.
So you should have been stalking her cleaner? She's your perfect woman.
No.
Not at all.
Her traits didn't match her handwriting.
The whole thing is obviously bunk.
Yes.
It would be, wouldn't it? On her wages.
Right, Dirk? Gah! All the pieces are here.
I'm sure of it.
I just don't know what they mean.
At least not consciously.
I'm sure my subconscious has already worked this out and has it's feet up with a cup of tea.
What? Nothing.
Just you babbling nonsense.
Me popping your ego.
I've missed this.
Not enough to come back but, you know.
Well I'll glad my nonsense has entertained you.
I don't know.
I just feel it's staring me in the face.
If only I could see it.
Whoops.
How clumsy of me.
There I go again.
Butterfingers.
What are you doing? You made a mess.
I hate the mess.
If you wanted a pay rise, you just had to ask.
Dirk Gently.
It was on my answer phone.
Rosa Valchenko, hired assassin, codename The Cleaner.
Your cleaner's codename was The Cleaner? I know.
These cold-blooded killers, no imagination.
Look.
Wanted by the FBI and Interpol.
And check out the reward.
That's nice.
That's Hawaiian beach nice.
Or I could rent the office again.
Pay off the debts.
Yeah? It's your money.
No.
It's our money.
Are you OK? Fair's fair.
I wouldn't have cracked this without you.
Thanks.
So, don't you want to know how it all happened? Who the evil genius was behind it all? Yeah, go on then.
Blow my mind.
Who? Janice.
Janice? Secretary Janice? No.
I mean I know she's got mixed feelings for you but In revenge for me not paying her wages, Janice diverted all the office calls to a very cheap messaging system.
So cheap in fact that many of the calls mistakenly ended up in other people's inboxes, taxi firms, Chinese restaurants, and our very exclusive assassin.
Now, her number was only supposed to be known by mob bosses, who would ring up with the names of targets.
But then clients of mine started leaving their names and addresses.
Neil Tendall.
46 Wenton Street.
235 Upper Macmillan, E3 Nigel McClusky, number 4, The Stables.
Mr Fredericks, 9 Fullmore Crescent, Barking.
Little realising that they were signing their own death warrants.
After a while, when nothing showed up in her account, she realised the error and sent those heavies round to try and get the money off me.
You pay cleaner.
Even when she knew it was a mistake, she still wouldn't stop killing.
Her guarantee is that any name left on that number would be killed.
So she framed Robbie by tipping us off about his storage unit, where she planted all the bogus evidence.
With Robbie behind bars, the police withdrew their protection for our remaining clients.
So ultimately, this whole thing was caused by your cheapness? I think the universe is trying to tell you something, Gently.
Well, you could also argue that his cheapness saved us this evening.
If he'd paid his plumber, then there'd be no hole in the floor and we wouldn't be alive.
You two deserve each other.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
He's an arse.
I'm sorry that things didn't work out with you and Melinda.
Ah, plenty more clients in the sea, Macduff.
Speaking of which What's that? It came this morning.
A series of bizarre frauds have been committed by a man with extreme body odour.
I suspect him of using pheromonal influence.
Pheromonal what-what? Oh, come on, Macduff, you must be aware of the power of pheromones.
It's why CEOs of Fortune 500 companies don't wash.
You're making this up! It's scientific fact.
An unwashed armpit can make all the difference anywhere from a back alley knife fight to a high-powered board meeting.
It just gives you that little extra edge.
That certainly explains your personal hygiene.
It's not odour, Macduff.
This is armour.
It's certainly strong, I'll give you that.